THE  UNIVERSITY 
OF  ILLINOIS 
LIBRARY 

From  the  Library 
of  the 

Diocese  of  Springfield 
Protestant  Episcopal 
Church 

Presented  1917 

173 

F82f 


UNIVERSITY  OF 
ILLINOIS  LIBRARY 

AT  URBANA-CHAMPAIGN 
STACKS 

OAK  ST.  && 


Return  this  book  on  or  before  the 
Latest  Date  stamped  below. 


University  of  Illinois  Library 


‘'•  I* 


lr,  r-  / 


t/f 


on  Hr 
HuH  ^ ^ 


1.161  — 1141 


o 


fS- 


& 


& 


THE  UNIVERSITY 
OF  ILLINOIS 
LIBRARY 

Prom  the  Library 
of  the 

Diocese  of  Springfield 
Protestant  Episcopal 
Church 

Presented  1917 

173 

F82f 


UNIVERSITY  OF 
ILLINOIS  LIBRARY 
AT  URBANA-CHAMPAJGN 
STACKS 

OAK  ST. 


I 


THE  FAMILY 

$n  %\ttt  ifllwmH. 

VOLUME  I. 

MATRIMONY: 

OR,  LOVE,  SELECTION,  COURTSHIP,  AND  MARRIED  LIFE. 


VOLUME  II. 

PARENTAGE: 

OE,  A PERFECT  PATERNITY,  MATERNITY,  SEXUALITY,  AND  INFANCY 


VOLUME  III. 

CHILDREN  AND  HOME: 

AS  EXPOUNDED  BY 

PHYSIOLOGY  AND  PHRENOLOGY. 


By  PROF.  O.  S.  FOWLER, 

PRACTICAL  PHRENOLOGIST,  LECTURER,  FORMER  EDITOR  “AMERICAN  PHRENOLOGICAL 
JOURNAL,”  AND  AUTHOR  OF  “FOWLER’S  PHRENOLOGY,”  “PHYSIOLOGY,”  “ SELF- 
CULTURE,” “ MEMORY,”  “ LOVE  AND  PARENTAGE,”  “ HEREDITARY 
DESCENT,”  “MATERNITY,”  “HOME  FOR  ALL,”  ETC.,  ETC. 


The  Family  is  the  foundation  of  all  governments ; the  vestibule  of  all  religions  ; the 
instructor  of  all  nations ; and  the  perpetuator  and  very  heart’s  core  of  humanity  itself. 
— Preface. 


NEW  YORK : 

O.  S.  FOWLER,  PUBLISHER 

1859. 


ADVERTISEMENT. 


Be  it  nereby  known,  that  I,  O.  S.  Fowler,  alone  assume  the  entire  responsibility  of 
the  authorship  and  publication  of  these  three  volumes.  All  their  faults  are  mine ; so  are 
all  their  excellences.  Of  course,  since  “ many  men  have  many  minds,”  they  will  be  a 
“ divider  among  the  people.”  Yet  I glory  in  necessary  “ persecution  for  righteousness 
sake.”  Let  me  “ expound  nature,”  and  ask  only  “ What  is  truth  ?”  Let  others  help  the 
“ bears”  of  conservatism  keep  “ all  things  as  they  were  from  the  beginning,”  but  let  me 
help  the  “ bulls”  of  progress  lift  my  race  out  of  that  “ old-fogy”  slough  in  which  they  have 
been  mired  for  ages.  I would  elevate  the  massive  “ millions.”  Of  me  it  has  been  said, 
“The  common  people’  read  and  “hear  him  gladly.”  Not  that  I would  not  also  im- 
prove patrician  as  well  as  plebeian,  but  only  that  I would  proclaim  Nature's  eternal 
edicts , whoever  “ will  hear  or  forbear .”  I would  support  the  “ Excelsior ” flag,  and 
“ strike  for”  the  highest  personal  and  human  development,  by  teaching  and  inspiring 
all  to  study  and  follow  Nature.  She  is  infinitely  sacred.  Her  requirements  are  G-od’s 
will.  Allowed  to  choose  my  own  name,  and  have  it  true,  it  would  be, Nature's  Apostle. 
Yet  to  investigate  and  obey  her  laws  constitute  my  “ chief  delight,”  and  to  induce  high 
and  low,  one  and  all  to  “ do  likewise,”  engross  my  whole  being  by  night  and  day,  alone 
and  abroad,  and  to  expound  them,  employ  my  tongue  and  pen,  in  study  and  lecture- 
room — always,  everywhere.  Thus  saith  God  in  Nature , is  the  pole-star  of  my  pen,  and 
desire  to  do  good  prompts  earnest  efforts  to  disseminate  these  natural  truths.  Will  not 
a noble  band  of  co-workers  help  on  this,  the  heart's  core  of  all  human  elevation— family 
improvement.  Those  who  would  possess  or  present  either  or  all  these  volumes,  or 
“ Religion,”*  can  have  them  mailed,  prepaid , by  remitting,  in  accordance  with  the  fol- 
lowing table,  to 

0.  S.  FOWLER,  New  York. 


“ Matrimony,”  or  “ Religion.” 


1 copy  of  either  . . 

$1  00 

3 copies  do.  . . . 

2 50 

8.  copies  do.  . . . 

5 Ol) 

Parentage,”*  or 

“ Children  and 

Home.’  * 

1 copy  of  either... 

$0  75 

3 copies  do.  . . . 

2 00 

10  copies  of  either 

All  three  vols.,  or  “ The  Family.” 

1 copy 

3 copies 

7 copies 

“ The  Family”  and  “ Religion.”* 

1 copy. 

6 copies 


No  deviation. 


Per  25  copies  of  either  or  all,  “ expressed,”  half  that  by  mail. 


$5  00 

2 00 
5 00 
10  00 

2 50 
10  00 


* To  be  revised  in  1860.  The  remaining  parts  will  be  issued  soon. 


Cdoi 

r 6^ 

PREFACE  TO  THE  THREE  BOOKS. 


Domestic  felicity  constitutes  the  great  problem  of  the 
age.  None  is  more  important.  None  more  discussed,  or 
less  understood.  Nor  is  any  desideratum  as  pressing  as 
a thorough,  reliable,  scientific  solution  of  this  problem. 
This,  these  Books  attempt.  Their  Author  has  heretofore 
published  detached  volumes  on  separate  departments  of 
this  general  theme,  and  attempted  their  revision,  but 
found  it  difficult,  without  either  imperfection  or  repeti- 
tion, because  the  same  fundamental  principles  ramify 
throughout  all  the  several  departments  of  this  great  sub- 
ject. He  has  therefore  chosen  to  make  “ The  Family” 
the  great  trunk-subject,  and  treat  its  several  departments 
like  limbs  and  roots  branching  out  therefrom.  And  in 
their  natural  order.  He  claims  both  a scientific  accuracy, 
and  a system  and  thoroughness  hitherto  unattained. 

To  treat  any  subject  practically,  it  must  first  be  treated 
philosophically  ; for  practicality  not  based  in  philosophy 
is  empirical.  Nor  has  he  minced  matters ; for  mincing 
would  spoil.  Instead,  he  has  chosen  to  walk  right  through 
his  subject. 

He  has  adopted  a style  more  elliptical  than  diffuse, 
more  scientific  than  ornate,  more  direct  than  figurative  ; 
and  labored  much  more  on  his  subject-matter  than  man- 
ner— aiming  rather  to  present  important  truths  in  clear 
and  familiar  language,  than  to  trifle  with  rhetorical 
flourishes.  He  indeed  wishes  he  could  have  spared  more 
time  from  his  professional  labors  to  perfect  the  authorship 


601526 


iv 


PREFACE  TO  THE  THREE  BOOKS. 


of  these  Books,  but  sends  them  forth  as  they  are,  and 
leaves  his  readers  to  talk  or  write  them  up  or  down, 
according  to  their  own  sovereign  will  and  pleasure — 
asking,  and  with  emphasis,  these  questions : Are  these 
doctrines  true  ? Are  they  important?  Are  they  calcu- 
lated to  improve  individuals  and  the  race  ? Let  your 
own  inherent  convictions  of  truth  and  interior  conscious- 
ness, and,  above  all,  experience , answer.  At  all  events, 
if  they  carry  do  the  family  of  each  reader  a tithe  of  the 
happiness  they  have  created  in  that  of  their  Author,  they 
will  completely  regenerate  every  family  into  which  they 
go,  and  thereby  incalculably  promote  human  happiness, 
virtue,  and  progress,  as  well  as  fulfill  their  true  mission 
and  the  highest  wish  of  their  Author. 

N.  B. — Those  small  raised  figures  found  throughout 
the  text,  called  superiors,  refer  to  those  numbered  head- 
ings of  subjects  found  throughout  the  three  Books; 
thus  referring  the  reader  to  doctrines  and  ideas  previously 
presented.  Thereby  saving  all  need  of  repetition,  yet 
referring  from  all  parts  of  each  Book  to  all  parts  of  all 
the  others. 

jjglf"  They  will  be  bound  sometimes  in  separate  parts, 
sometimes  all  parts  together.  Hence  those  who,  having 
either,  may  wish  to  obtain  the  others  also,  can  do  so  by 
addressing  the  publisher. 


INTRODUCTION  TO  THE  THREE  BOOKS. 


1 . THE  FAMILY 

Is  the  foundation  of  all  governments,  the  vestibule  of  all 
religions,  the  instructor  of  all  nations,  and  the  perpetu- 
ator  and  very  heart’s  core  of  humanity  itself.  It  is, 
moreover,  the  corner-stone  of  all  society,  the  great  motor- 
wheel  of  all  industry  and  business,  the  sanctum  sanc- 
torum of  the  human  soul,  a d the  main  instrumentality 
of  all  the  talents  and  powers,  all  the  joys  and  hopes,  all 
the  virtues  and  interests  of  man,  as  well  as  the  means 
of  the  existence  even  of  the  very  race  itself.  Show  me 
a right  or  wrong  family  among  any  nation  or  people, 
and  I will  show  you  a right  or  wrong  nation  or  people. 
Of  this,  Scotland  and  France  furnish  contrasted  examples. 
Scotland,  a range  of  cold,  bleak  Highlands,  but  her  family 
institutes  are  among  the  best  on  earth.  And  behold  her 
sons  and  daughters ! Is  hard  work  anywhere  to  be  done 
and  rewarded,  a Scotchman  is  there  to  do  and  get.  Is  a 
fat  office  to  be  enjoyed,  be  supple,  or  a shrewd  Scotch- 
man will  snatch  it  from  your  grasp.  Are  martial  strength 
and  prowess  required,  what  brawn  equals  that  of  Scot- 
tish braves?  Is  anything  to  be  written,  or  studied,  or 
investigated,  or  done,  who  better  than  the  Scotch  ? Is 
piety  to  be  found  anywhere  on  earth,  and  does  it  not 
glow  on  her  Highland  heathers,  and  in  her  Lowland 
homes  ? Where  is  human  nature  more  perfect,  and  less 
faulty  ? 

“ In  Hew  England.” 


vi 


INTRODUCTION  TO  THE  THREE  BOOKS, 


Perhaps  so.  But  is  there  any  other  place  where  hu- 
manity and  the  family  relations  are  more  perfect  ? And 
whence  New  England’s  mighty  power  throughout  our 
nation  ? From  her  firesides . Go  wThere  she  will,  she 
carries  her  family  institutions  with  her,  and  these  carry 
along  her  moral  power.  Thank  God  for  Puritanical 
family  habits  ! They  have  done  for  New  England,  and 
all  the  regions  she  has  peopled — for  our  whole  country — • 
what  Puritanism  has  done.  And  all.  Her  very  religion 
is  due  to  her  family*  Break  up  that,  and  -where  her 
temples  of  worship,  her  institutions  of  learning,  her 
energy,  talents,  virtues,  everything  good  ? But  for  her 
family  altar,  how  long  would  her  churches  stand,  except 
as  mementoes  of  the  past  ? And  few  human  virtues 
would  long  survive  their  fall. 

Blot  out  the  family,  and  what  becomes  of  the  school, 
the  academy,  the  college  ? And  they  gone,  how  great 
the  hiatus  ! 

Blot  out  the  family,  and  what  becomes  of  the  State? 
The  great  trunk  of  our  Government,  with  all  its  branches, 
foliage,  and  fruit,  growth  included,  is  sustained  from  and 
by  the  rootlets  of  the  family.  Strengthen  it,  and  you 
build  up  all.  Destroy  it,  and  you  destroy  all — fruit, 
branches,  trunk,  its  very  being,  even. 

England,  proud,  strong  Old  England,  wherein  consists 
thy  great  strength,  perpetuity,  glory,  and  vitality  ? In 
thy  family.  It  blighted,  they  all  perish. 

And  did  not  the  strength,  perpetuity,  and  piety  of  the 
Jewish  nation  grow  mainly  out  of  its  excellent  patri- 
archal and  family  customs  ? 

And  frivolous,  downtrodden  France,  tyrannized  over 
by  one  man,  ruled  by  a more  cruel  rod  than  any  other 
European  nation,  and  that  by  a late  citizen — become  a 
despotism  the  most  despotic,  and  from  a republic  the 
very  best  there  was — wherein  lies  thy  weakness,  that  all 
this  can  be  heaped  upon  thee  ? 


INTRODUCTION  TO  THE  THREE  BOOKS. 


vii 


Thou  hast  no  family  ! Thy  parents  hardly  know 
their  own  children ! A tender  youth,  neither  purified 
nor  molded  by  maternal  love  or  counsel,  takes  lodgings 
abroad,  where,  unrestrained,  he  riots  in  vice,  which  right 
family  associations  would  interdict.  Turkey,  every 
heathen  land,  every  nation  and  people  on  earth,  but 
illustrate  this  principle  on  a still  larger  scale.  And 
savage  life  most — Indian  included. 

But,  “ odious  comparisons55  aside,  are  these  things  so  ? 
Are  we  evolving  a fundamental  truth  in  the  natural 
history  of  man  ! Read  the  answer  in  the  entire  history 
of  the  whole  race,  and  learn  wisdom.  Learn  that  a 
nation’s  and  an  individual’s  happiness,  health,  talents, 
purity,  vice,  everything,  depend  on  the  family. 

And,  O my  country  1 stop  and  learn  at  least  this  one 
lesson.  As  a right  family  bequeathed  to  us  all  the  bless- 
ings in  which  we  now  luxuriate,  almost  revel,  so  the 
greatness,  glory,  and  perpetuity  of  our  republic  depend 
mainly  on  the  domestic  education  our  sons  and  daughters 
receive.  Preserve  our  family,  and  you  preserve  our 
nation.  Deteriorate  the  family,  and  you  deteriorate  all* 
Improve  the  family,  and  you  improve  alb  And  if  it 
dies,  all  dies — -joys,  hopes,  church,  State,  college  ; all  our 
institutions,  civil  and  religious  ! Is  this  picture  ? or  is  it 
fact  ? And,  O my  dear  country,  but  perfect  this  one  hey - 
stone  of  thy  colossal  arch,  and  the  towering  grandeur  of 
thy  majestic  superstructure  will  become  boundless  and 
endless.  Like  yon  whirlwind,  its  base  small  and  swift, 
but  it  enlarges,  rises,  spreads  into  boundless,  endless 
space  ! There  are  no  limits  to  our  prospective  greatness 
and  power,  provided  we  but  keep  our  domestic  core  right* 
We  shall  then  soon  govern  the  whole  world  politically, 
pecuniarily,  by  sea,  on  land,  in  ethics,  in  morals — defy 
the  whole  world  in  war,  in  peace — surpass  the  whole 
world  in  arts,  in  literature,  in  religion,  in  progress,  and 
cover  the  whole  world  by  our  people  and  our  institu- 


viii 


INTRODUCTION  TO  THE  THREE  BOOKS. 


tions ! No  imagination  can  stretch  far  or  high  enough  to 
equal  our  prospective  elevation,  provided  we  but  keep 
good  the  cause  of  our  national  wealth,  energy,  prosperity, 
and  power — the  family . But  should  it  ever  decline — " 
which  God  forbid! — like  the  heart  of  that  great  oak 
rotten,  all  must  rot.  And  should  not  patriots  really 
tremble  for  their  country,  for  obviously  the  family  is  on 
the  wane  throughout  her  borders.  And  these  and  all 
other  national  interests  must  needs  also  decline,  unless 
until  this  is  rectified.  I would  not  turn  alarmist ; but  I 
would  warn  and  direct.  Be  not  intoxicated  with  thy 
greatness,  power,  and  glory,  but  mark  well  wherein  lies 
thy  great  strength,  and  improve  that  by  perfecting  thy 
family  relations. 

And  what  is  true  of  the  nation  is  true  of  the  race.  All 
human  interests,  in  all  their  phases  and  aspects,  de- 
pend on  the  family.  Missionaries  and  savans,  philan- 
thropists and  philosophers,  fogies  and  progressives,  men 
and  women,  young  and  old,  one  and  all,  any  way  inter- 
ested to  improve  man,  turn  too  and  improve  the  family , 
as  the  single  means  of  restoring  the  whole  race  to  its 
pristine  and  destined  exaltation. 

Ye  seekers  after  even  millennial  glory,  look  ye  for  it 
in  the  family ! Give  me  one  generation  of  happy  mar- 
riages and  families,  and  I will  give  you  back  a millen- 
nium! And  in  greater  glory  and  power  than  king  or 
prophet  ever  dreamed!  For  a happy  family  will  fore- 
stall and  prevent  all  the  human  vices,  and,  instead,  plant 
and  nurture  all  the  human  virtues  in  parents,  besides 
rendering  their  children  constitutionally  better  than  those 
parents. 

And  what  sentiment  of  the  human  soul  as  potential,  as 
sacred,  what  feelings  as  strong,  what  emotions  as  all- 
absorbing,  as  those  appertaining  to  the  family  ? Let  this 
fact  reinforce  its  importance. 

A perfect  family,  then,  is  the  problem  of  a perfect 


INTRODUCTION  TO  THE  THREE  BOOKS. 


ix 


religion,  government,  education,  society,  individuality, 
humanity,  all.  And  all  the  rights  and  wrongs,  goods 
and  evils,  inherent  in  the  family,  work  themselves  out, 
in,  and  throughout  all  the  other  departments  of  human 
life.  Equally  so  with  all  its  improvements.  Allow  me, 
then,  my  country,  to  be  a true  patriot,  my  race,  a true 
philanthropist,  in  and  by  holding  up  nature’s  mirror  of  a 
perfect  family  before  thy  face. 

And  these  Books  do  it.  They  teach  nature’s  family 
mandates,  laws,  and  institutes.  They  go  to  the  very  core 
of  their  subject.  They  give  its  principles , its  laws , its 
philosophies , as  well  as  details. 

THE  CONSTITUENT  ELEMENTS  OF  THE  FAMILY. 

The  family  being,  then,  a creation,  an  entity,  and  thus 
important,  it  must  needs  have  its  constituents . Of  what 
is  it  composed  ? What  are  its  integral  parts  or  elements  ? 

Man  and  woman.  Husband  and  wife.  Father  and 
mother.  Parents  and  children.  Brothers  and  sisters. 
House  and  land.  Appurtenances  and  productions.  All 
cemented  together  by  the  affections.  And  governed  by 
nature’s  family  institutes.  7 

And  these  family  relations  must  needs  have  some  one 
cardinal  condition.  They  have  it  in  a right  marriage. 
Matrimony  is  not  merely  an  integral  part  and  parcel  of 
the  family,  but  its  very  backbone.  As  it  is,  all  are.  Let 
all  its  other  portions  be  right,  but  this  wrong,  all  is 
wrong,  like  a superb  body  with  a poor  heart ; whereas  a 
right  marriage  goes  far  to  render  all  the  other  portions 
right.  And  as  it  constitutes  the  very  focal  center  of  all, 
it  will  accordingly  constitute  the  first  as  well  as  the 
heart’s  core  of  these  Books. 

i* 


> : 


* 


•r 


- 


THE  FAMILY-VOLUME  I. 


MATRIMONY, 

AS  TAUGHT  BY 

PHRENOLOGY  AND  PHYSIOLOGY, 

in  %\xn  farts. 

Part  I.-L0VE: 

ITS  NATURE,  LAWS,  AND  ALL-CONTROLLING  POWER  OVER  HUMAN  DESTINY. 

Part  II.— SELECTION: 

OR,  MUTUAL  ADAPTATION. 

Part  III— COURTSHIP  AND  MARRIED  LIFE  s 

THEIR  FATAL  ERRORS,  AND  HOW  TO  RENDER  ALL  MARRIAGES  HAPPY. 


By  PROF.  O.  S.  FOWLER, 


PRACTICAL  PHRENOLOGIST,  LECTURER,  FORMER  EDITOR  “AMERICAN  PHRENOLOGICAL 
JOURNAL,”  AND  AUTHOR  OF  “FOWLER’S  PHRENOLOGY,”  “PHYSIOLOGY,”  “ SELF- 
CULTURE,” “ MEMORY,”  “ LOYE  AND  PARENTAGE,”  “ HEREDITARY 
DESCENT,”  “MATERNITY,”  “HOME  FOR  ALL,”  ETC.,  ETC. 


NEW  YORK : 

O.  S.  FOWLER.  PUBLISHER. 
1S59. 


Entered,  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1859,  by 
LOTTIE  H.  FOWLER, 

In  the  Clerk’s  Office  of  the  District  Court  of  the  United  States  for  the  Southern  District 

of  New  York. 


Jthudion 


TO  MY  YOUNGEST  DAUGHTER,  LOTTIE. 

Your  doting  father’s  greatest  desire  is  to  see  you  so  conduct  that  life  conferred  on 
you  as  to  render  it  and  you  perfectly  happy.  To-day  you  are  eighteen.  You  are  there- 
fore approaching  that  life-period  consecrated  by  Nature  to  the  consummation  of  the 
affectional  relations.39  On  them  your  life-interests  mainly  depend.  You,  in  common 
with  all  of  a like  age,  need  knowledge  to  enable  you  to  form  and  conduct  them  aright. 
This  required  instruction  this  volume  imparts.  It  expounds  Nature’s  primal  matri- 
monial doctrines  and  practices,  and  shows  each  and  all  how  to  become  true  men  and 
women,  husbands  and  wives,  fathers  and  mothers,  parents  and  children. 

I therefore  dedicate  it  to  you  and  your  companions  in  age,  hoping  it  may  guide 
your  and  their  feet  into  floral  and  fruitful  paths  of  domestic  felicity ; and  as  a keepsake 
token  of  my  undying  parental  love  for  you,  I hereby  bequeath  to  you  its  copyright,  as 
your  eighteenth  birthday  present.  Your  loving  father, 


Veiroratioii 


lev°Ien( 


Alimentive- 

ne*s. 


Amatireness 


ni-InteUectuaV 

Sentiment*. 


PREFACE  TO  MATRIMONY. 


Suppose  a well-intentioned  youth,  arrived  at  a mar- 
riageable age,  should  soliloquize  thus  : 

u It  is  high  time  for  me  to  marry.  Marriage  is  indeed 
an  eventful  step.  I would  fain  begin  and  conduct  it  just 
right.  Where  can  I find  reliable  directions,  by  following 
which  I can  not  err  ? I find  instruction  in  grammar,  in 
arithmetic,  in  surveying,  in  agriculture,  in  the  arts  and 
sciences,  but  nowhere  a line  touching  a right  marriage . 
No  school,  no  book,  no  anything ! Must  I,  then,  leap  in 
the  dark  ? And  in  a matter  thus  infinitely  important  ?” 
No,  O youth  ! This  Book  is  your  certain  guide.  It 
both  declares  and  proves.  It  generalizes  and  specifies. 
It  shows  both  what  and  why . Whoever  follows  it  will 
be  happy.  And  the  more,  the  more  closely.  It  also 
shows  those  happy  or  miserable  in  wedlock,  wherein  and 
viherefore  so. 

Ye  unmarried,  before  taking  this  eventful  life-step,  not 
merely  read  these  pages  as  you  would  a novel,  but  study 
and  ponder  them  thoroughly.  Half  through,  turn  back 
and  re-peruse,  till  you  fully  understand  its  principles  / 
for  no  single  reading  can  ever  fully  impress  them.  Effect- 
ually re-read,  and  inwardly  digest.  Incorporate  its  theory 
and  practice  into  both  selection  and  courtship,  as  well  as 
married  life ; and  then  bear  testimony. 

Young  lovers.,  read  it  over  and  over  again,  and  treat 
each  other  in  accordance  with  its  requisitions,  and  attest 


xvi 


PREFACE  TO  MATRIMONY. 


in  after-life  whether  it  has  not  immeasurably  enhanced 
your  heart’s  felicity.  And  note  this : whenever  you  de- 
part from  its  teachings,  unhappiness  will  follow. 

Ye  married  who  love  some,  but  not  all  you  feel  that 
you  could  or  would,  read  and  practice,  and  you  will  love 
more  and  jar  less.  If  your  love  is  not  perfect,  and  you 
would  render  it  so,  it  will  teach  you  how.  Nor  can  the 
married  read  it  attentively  without  becoming  assimilated 
thereby.  And  the  more  so,  the  more  they  read  and  ap- 
preciate. For  it  really  does  show  them  how  to  draw  out 
their  own  and  each  other’s  affections. 

And  ye  disconsolate — ye  who  are  married,  but  not 
mated ; who  pine  for  congeniality,  but  are  only  tantalized 
by  vain  efforts  and  regrets  ; who  love  some,  but  wrangle 
more ; who  both  feel  hard  and  waken  hard  feelings  ; who 
have  enjoyed  however  little,  and  suffered  however  much ; 
whose  alienation  is  even  complete,  and  who  loathe  where 
you  should  love — do  you  really  desire  to  become  recon- 
ciled, united  ? If  so,  each  read  these  pages  separately. 
Then  both  together.  Then  re-read  them  alone,  and  then 
together,  with  comments  by  each  as  you  proceed,  both 
grasping  its  teachings  and  putting  them  into  practice, 
and  see  if  it  does  not  regenerate  both — does  not  gradu- 
ally melt  down  your  asperities  and  dissolve  your  discord. 
And  if  it  does  not  rekindle  first  love  in  all  its  fervor 
. — which  it  doubtless  will — it  will  at  least  enable  you  to 
live  together  peaceably.  Try  the  experiment,  and  pro- 
claim the  result. 

And  ye  who  feel  your  love  enhanced  by  this  Book, 
turn  “ home  missionaries.”  Carry  to  other  firesides  what 
has  warmed  your  own.  Self-sacrificing  promoters  of 
fireside  affections  are  needed  at  home  quite  as  much  as 
foreign  missionaries  in  heathen  lands.  Indeed,  such  bar- 
barities as  are  here  often  unconsciously  perpetrated  by 
husbands  and  wives  upon  each  other  have  no  parallel  in 
savage  life.  Family  reform  and  happiness  is  the  one 


PREFACE  TO  MATRIMONY. 


xvii 


great  desideratum  of  the  age,  of  man.  And  this  work 
attempts  it.  In  the  name  of  suffering  humanity,  then, 
give  it  a fair  trial,  and  a broadcast  circulation. 

Our  task  is  indeed  difficult,  not  so  much  on  its  own 
account,  or  on  anything  inherent  in  our  subject  itself, 
as  because  of  that  fastidiousness  with  which  it  is  too  often 
regarded.  But,  presupposing  that  the  handwriting  of 
the  Almighty  on  human  nature  is  ipso  facto  in  good 
taste,  and  pure  to  the  pure,  and  that  no  middle  ground 
remained,  we  have  treated  our  subject  in  a plain,  straight- 
forward manner,  and  appeal  to  time  and  a discerning 
public,  and  especially  to  woman — not  so  much  to  girls, 
appropriately  more  nice  than  wise,  nor  to  those  so  easily 
tempted  that  they  must  needs  be  or  appear  extra 
guarded — but  more  particularly  to  mature  matrons,  whose 
naturally  elevated  feminine  tastes  have  been  corrected 
and  ripened  by  conjugal  experience,  whether  these  pages 
are  in  good  taste.  What  paragraph  would  you  erase 
before  handing  to  your  sons  and  daughters?  Is  it  not 
your  solemn  duty  to  teach  them  all  their  good  requires 
them  to  know  ? And  does  it  not  require  them  to  know 
the  truths  contained  in  this  Book  ? And  can  you  not 
teach  them  these  lessons  in  and  by  putting  it  into  their 
hands  better  than  orally  ? 

And,  ye  fathers,  uncles,  and  men  of  experience  and 
business,  desirous  of  enforcing  on  your  young  nephews, 
nieces,  and  acquaintances  many  a lesson  here  taught, 
which  your  own  experience  tells  you  they  ought  to  know 
at  or  before  their  marriage,  can  you  not  convey  this 
needed  knowledge  better  by  putting  this  book  into  their 
hands  than  verbally  ? Myself  a gray-haired,  aged 
father,  with  children  married,  and  having  had  thirty 
years  of  just  that  kind  of  professional  experience  requi- 
site for  this  very  task,  I claim  to  have  embodied  a vast 
amount  of  truths  and  suggestions  of  the  utmost  practical 
importance  to  both  the  young  and  the  married.  And  in 


xviii 


PREFACE  TO  MATRIMONY. 


a manner  at  least  -unexceptionable,  if  not  the  very  best. 
And  also  to  stand  alone  in  the  scientific  exposition  of  this 
subject.  Say  one,  say  all,  whether  or  not  this  work  is 
entitled  to  the  approbation — -thank-offering,  even — of  an 
appreciating  public  ? And  whether,  if  you  had  read  it 
earlier  in  life,  it  would  not  have  rendered  that  life  better, 
happier,  higher  ? 


INTRODUCTION  TO  MATRIMONY. 


2.  FIRST  LAWS  GOVERN  MARRIAGE, 

Marriage  is  life’s  casting  die.  No  event  from  birth 
to  death  equally  affects  human  weal  or  woe.  Partly 
because  its  per  se  action  is  so  potential.  More  because 
ramified  throughout  all  life’s  other  joys  and  sorrows.  It 
equally  affects  human  morals,  spirits,  tone  of  mind,  every- 
thing.1 This  happy,  all  is  happy,  and  life  as  serene  and 
balmy  as  a bright  spring  morning— temper  sweet,  intel- 
lect clear,  hopes  bright,  spirits  buoyant,  virtues  enhanced, 
health  good,  and  life  one  long,  happy  gala-day.  But,  this 
unhappy,  all,  like  autumnal  storms,  is  dark  and  dreary, 
cold  and  cheerless — temper  soured,  intellect  deadened, 
hopes  blighted,  health  drooping,  children  cross-grained, 
and  life  a failure  and  a burden  ! 

“ Then,  can  marriage  be  so  formed  and  conducted  as  to 
render  its  participants  always  perfectly  happy  ?” 

Undoubtedly.  Always . And  easily. 

“ Exists  there,  then,  a certain  preventive  and  cure  of 
all  matrimonial  ills?  Can  each  and  all  be  perfectly 
happy  in  wedlock  ?” 

Yes.  All . And  perfctly. 

“ Then,  how  ? By  what  means  ? 

By  observing  nature’s  matrimonial  ordinances . Cause 
and  effect  reign  supreme.  First  laws  govern  every 
department  of  nature  every  atom  of  matter,  every  func- 
tion of  universal  life  and  being,  from  the  beginning  of 
time  to  its  end.  Whatever  is,  is  governed  thereby. 
Anything  not  thus  governed  would  be  chaotic.  Thus 
governed,  all  nature  becomes  scientific  and  absolutely 


XX 


INTRODUCTION  TO  MATRIMONY. 


certain  in  all  her  operations.  Of  course,  all  human  func- 
tions, marriage  included,  are  thus  governed. 

Moreover,  these  laws,  obeyed,  always  and  necessarily 
yield  happiness  ; but,  violated,  inflict  pain.  And  these 
conditions  are  as  universal  and  absolute  as  causation 
itself ; of  which  they  form  an  integral  part  and  parcel. 

Still  further:  these  pleasures  and  pains  follow  in  the 
direct  line  of  the  specific  law  obeyed  or  broken.  To  obey 
a physical  but  break  a mental  law,  is  to  enjoy  physically, 
but  suffer  mentally.  And  to  fulfill  the  social  but  violate 
a physical,  is  to  enjoy  socially,  but  suffer  physically.  And 
thus  of  all  other  laws. 

Human  nature  has  its  social  department.  All  human 
beings  are  created  with  certain  domestic  instincts  and 
faculties.1  This,  Phrenology  demonstrates  by  pointing  out 
a group  of  cerebral  organs,  the  sole  office  of  whose  men- 
tal faculties  is  to  carry  forward  these  functions.  These 
predispose  to  marriage  as  much  as  appetite  to  eating. 
And  this  both  presupposes  and  proves  the  existence  in 
man  of  a conjugal  entity,  which  forms  as  constituent  a 
department  of  human  nature  as  reason  or  memory.  Of 
course  this  department  has,  must  have,  its  governing  laws 
equally  with  all  else  in  nature.  These  laws  establish  a 
science  over  this  nuptial  department.  There  is,  therefore, 
as  much  a matrimonial  science  as  a mathematical,  be- 
cause each  is  equally  a part  and  parcel  of  nature  in 
general,  and  human  nature  in  particular.  And  as  such  is 
governed  by  its  own  specific  first  laws.  These  laws  re- 
duce both  equally  to  certainty,  and  thereby  render  each 
equally  scientific.  Hot  a inay-be  so  and  may-be  not,  but 
a must-be — a necessity  ; because  each  is  equally  governed 
by  inflexible  causation. 

These  laws  impart  a right  and  a wrong  to  marriage,  in 
both  its  general  principles,  and  in  all  its  details.  This 
right,  these  law's  obeyed,  render  this  marriage  happy 
therein  and  thereby.  This  wrong  perpetrated,  these  law's 


INTRODUCTION  TO  MATRIMONY. 


xxi 


violated,  render  it  miserable.  That  is,  since  conjugality 
is  an  entity  in  man,  and  therefore  has  its  laws,  of  course 
to  obey  them  is  to  be  happy,  and  to  break  them  is  to  be 
miserable,  in  and  by  wedlock.  Whoever  obey  them  are 
guaranteed  domestic  felicity.  But  whoever  suffer  in  and 
by  conjugality,  do  so  because  they  violate  them.  Every 
item  of  discord  is  consequent  on  their  infringement.  Nor 
can  any  obey  without  being  happy  in  marriage.  Nor  be 
happy  without  obeying.  Nor  any  be  miserable  without 
violating  them.  Nor  violate  without  being  miserable. 
And  in  exact  proportion  thereto.  Of  course,  perfect 
obedience  renders  perfect  conjugal  felicity  as  absolutely 
certain  as  causation  itself. 

A knowledge  of  these  laws,  moreover,  naturally  pro- 
motes their  observance.  By  a law  of  mind,  belief 
governs  conduct.  Men  naturally  act  as  they  feel,  and 
feel  as  they  think . Conduct  not  governed  by  first  prin- 
ciples is  empirical  and  fitful — gropes  in  the  dark — a 
ship  without  a compass,  a life  without  helm  or  haven. 
Whereas  a life  governed  by  right  first  principles  is  there- 
fore correct  and  happy. 

This  is  doubly  true  of  marriage.  As  those  who  be- 
lieve in  pagan  or  Christian  doctrine,  in  one  love  or  free 
love,  naturally  live  accordingly,  of  course,  to  live  a 
happy  conjugal  life,  men  must  have  a right  matrimonial 
doctrine — must  understand , in  order  to  fulfill  the  laws 
that  govern  wedlock. 

A knowledge  of  these  laws,  then,  becomes  a great 
public  desideratum.  The  existing  amount  of  matrimonial 
misery  is  almost  infinite.  How  great,  will  be  shown 
hereafter.  Therefore  the  breaches  of  these  laws  are 
equally  great.  Yet  men  do  about  as  well  as  they  know 
how.  They  do  not  mean  wrong.  Ignorance , not  evil 
intentions,  causes  most  of  this  misery.  Men  and  women, 
husbands  and  wives,  engender  mutual  hatred  by  mutually 
wronging  each  other,  while  each  is  as  innocent  of  any 


xxii 


INTRODUCTION  TO  MATRIMONY. 


intended  wrong  as  the  infant  that  burns  its  fingers  in  the 
candle.  They  know  no  better.  Only  teach  them  the 
right,  and  they  will  follow  it.  Of  correct  conjugal 
knowledge  there  is  almost  a total  dearth  and  barrenness. 
Nowhere  are  its  principles  or  details  expounded.  The 
press  promulgates  family  quarrels,  elopements,  crim. 
cons.,  and  all  that.  But  do  these  either  teach,  guide,  or 
save  ?2  The  bar  arraigns,  the  bench  condemns,  and  civil 
laws  punish,  matrimonial  offenders ; but  neither  point 
out  the  causes  of  these  errors,  or  prescribe  preventives. 
The  very  lecture-room  is  silent.  Even  the  pulpit  enjoins : 
“ Husbands,  love  your  wives ; and  wives,  obey but 
stops  there.  Does  mental  philosophy  even  attempt  its 
scientific  exposition  ? It  does  not.  In  this  whole  de- 
partment of  human  life  man  is  in  total  darkness  and 
ignorance  concerning  both  its  principles  and  detailed 
workings.  Humanity  needs  many  things  much.  Many 
would  prove  useful.  But  none  more  so  than  this  species 
of  knowledge. 

“ Where,  then,  can  it  be  found  ?” 

Here. 

“ In  what  Book  is  it  expounded  !” 

In  this. 

“ What  evolves  its  first  principles 

Phrenology.  And  in  its  analysis  of  man’s  social  facul- 
ties. And  thus : As  the  phrenological  faculty  of  color 
both  puts  us  in  relation  with  colors  and  intuitively 
teaches  us  all  about  them,  and  so  of  all  its  other  faculties, 
so  the  social  faculties  bear  an  absolute  relation  to  these 
natural  social  institutes,  and  teach  them  by  intuition 
. — their  laws  and  functions,  their  right  and  wrong  action, 
and  whatever  appertains  to  them,  and,  thereby,  the 
causes , and  the  remedies , of  all  nuptial  evils. 

In  short,  man  is  rendered  a marrying  being  by  having 
been  created  with  certain  conjugal  elements  of  mind. 
These  are  governed  by  certain  matrimonial  laws,  which, 


INTRODUCTION  TO  MATRIMONY. 


xxiii 


obeyed,  guarantee  perfect  conjugal  felicity,  but,  violated, 
inflict  discord  and  misery.  And  Phrenology,  in  its 
analysis  of  these  faculties,  teaches  these  laws,  and  thereby 
shows  individuals  and  communities  wherein  they  have 
diverged  therefrom — what  broken  law  causes  every  item 
of  conjugal  pain,  every  discordant  note — as  well  as  the 
pathway  to  their  return.  And  this  Book  claims  to  ex- 
pound that  teaching.  To  be  strictly  scientific . To  point 
out  the  laws  that  govern  this  whole  subject.  To  go  right 
home  to  its  very  hearts  core.  To  show  just  wThat  is 
right,  and  what  wrong.  And  why.  Both  as  regards 
marriage  itself,  and  all  the  relations  of  the  sexes  to  each 
other.  To  group  its  facts  around  their  governing  prin- 
ciples, and  thus  become  a reliable  guide  to  perfect  matri- 
monial felicity.  To  analyze  the  causes  of  all  discord, 
and  prescribe  preventives.  And  that  so  plainly,  prac- 
tically, fully,  that  even  the  unlettered  need  not  commit 
error.  And  thoroughly  to  cultivate  this  entire  human 
field.  Great  pretensions  these.  No  volume  ever  made 
greater.  But  see  whether  it  does  not  fulfill  them.  And 
more,  even. 

But  as  every  structure  has,  must  have,  its  foundation, 
every  creation  its  end  or  object,  every  truth  its  rationale, 
marriage  must  likewise  have  its  rationale — its  why , its 
wherefore.  And  that  rationale  will  expound  its  object. 
And  thereby  develop  its  laws.  And  these  laws  its  right 
and  wrong , in  general,  in  detail.  Then,  what  is  the 
rationale  of  marriage  ? 

The  multiplication  of  human  beings.  The  perpetuity 
and  increase  of  the  race.  And  this  alone.  Proved  by 
every  tendency,  every  desire,  everything  in  any  way 
appertaining  to  it. 

3.  nature’s  creative  institutes  paramount. 

Some  functions  in  nature  are  relatively  more  important 
than  others.  Thus,  the  office  of  sun  is  more  eventful 


xxiv 


INTRODUCTION  TO  MATRIMONY. 


than  that  of  glow-worm — of  head  than  little  finger-nail 
— of  heart  than  spleen. 

Then,  pray,  O man ! what  one  function  stands  right  out 
in  front  of  all  her  operations  as  her  very  most  practically 
important  ? 

Or  thus  : All  worship — ought  to — God.  But,  suppose 
required  to  select  his  most  adorable  attribute  as  the 
object  of  special  reverence,  what  would  it  be  but  his 
creative  ? Does  not  this  entitle  him  to  our  highest  love 
and  worship  ? For  unless  he  first  put  forth  his  creative, 
how  could  he  put  forth  any  other  ? Is  not  this  both  the 
instrumentality  and  embodiment  of  all  ? But  for  it  there 
could  be  no  life,  no  function,  no  anything.  Unless  beings 
were  first  created , how  could  they  put  forth  any  of  their 
functions  ? And  exactly  in  proportion  as  nature’s  cre- 
ative economies  multiply  the  various  forms  of  life,  vege- 
table, animal,  and  human,  does  the  office  even  of  sun 
become  the  more  glorious,  because  the  more  are  warmed 
and  lighted  by  his  rays.  And  thus  of  all  her  other  pro- 
visions for  the  happiness  of  sentient  beings.  She  will 
have  her  domains,  air,  earth,  water,  universal  space,  filled 
with  life,  being.  Our  earth  was  created  simply  for  an 
abode  of  boundless  life,  and  the  production  of  infinite 
happiness.  Nor  created  yesterday.  Nor  to  be  destroyed 
to-morrow.  Geology  proclaims  her  past  age  as  almost  in- 
finite. And  astronomy  shows  that  she  is  to-day  perform- 
ing a cycle  which  it  will  require  two  and  a half  millions 
of  years  to  complete  ! And  whatever  nature  begins,  she 
finishes.  Therefore  our  earth  is  destined  to  stand  two 
and  a half  millions  of  years  at  least.  And  no  telling 
how  many  additional  cycles.  And  all  this  infinite  period 
of  time  she  is  destined  to  be  filled  full  of  life  in  all  its 
forms,  and  kept  crowded,  clear  up  to  the  top  of  every 
mountain,  and  down  to  the  water’s  edge  of  every  conti- 
nent, island,  shore,  and  river ! And  of  beings  of  a far 
higher  intellectual  and  moral  grade,  and  correspondingly 


INTRODUCTION  TO  MATRIMONY. 


XXV 


happier,  than  any  which  now  inhabit  her  ! And,  since 
Death,  inexorable,  “ cuts  down  all,  both  great  and  small,” 
procreation  must  needs  outstrip  him  in  swiftness,  and  rise 
above  him  in  might,  or  the  universe  itself  would  soon 
become  tenantless  ! And  hence  nature’s  creative  insti- 
tutes take  precedence  over  all  else.  Her  reproducing  work 
is  her  greatest,  her  most  important  labor. 

And,  how  infinitely  great  that  work  ! Behold  yon  su- 
perior human  being ! Consider  him  as  a commodity,  as  a 
production,  an  invention,  a structure  ! What  on  earth  at  all 
compares  with  him?  Examine  his  bones,  joints,  muscles, 
organs,  eye,  lungs,  heart,  nerves,  as  machines  merely. 
How  perfect  each  ! How  perfectly  adapted  to  each  other ! 
And  each  to  all ! And  all  to  the  required  ends  of  life  ! 
His  functions  how  varied,  how  perfect ! His  mental  c 
pacities  how  wonderful,  how  almost  infinite ! How  divine 
a single  good  act ! What  moral  sublimity  in  a long  life 
of  the  human  virtues ! In  the  person,  the  being,  of  a 
Washington,  considered  as  an  entity!  In  human  mem- 
ory, speech,  thought,  talents ! Great  God ! how  infinitely 
exalted  a being  is  man  ! A tree,  an  insect,  a dog,  a monkey 
— what  a complication  of  wondrous  workings  ! But  man, 
how  much  more  astounding  to  contemplate  ! And  the 
race  so  much  the  more  so  by  every  one  of  its  infinitude  of 
members,  from  first  to  last!  And  who  can  number  its 
countless  myriads  in  the  present  and  past  ? Then  how  in- 
finitely more  in  the  eternal  future  of  the  race ! And  all 
these  immortal  ! O the  boundless,  the  endless,  the  in- 
finite greatness  and  glory  of  the  whole  human  family ! 
By  the  greatness  of  God  himself  is  the  greatness  of  this  his 
master- work — man.  For  all  that  even  a God  could  do  to 
perfect  man’s  perfections  and  enhance  his  superlative 
powers  and  excellences,  a God  has  done ! Nor  do  any 
now,  even  the  most  exalted  individuals  of  the  race,  at  all 
compare  with  their  ultimate  destined  greatness  ! Infi- 
nitely above  their  present  estate  is  their  future  to  become  ! 

2 


INTRODUCTION  TO  MATRIMONY. 


xxvi 

Human  reason,  imagination,  even,  pall  in  contemplating 
the  greatness  and  glory  of  God’s  greatest  production — 
humanity ! And  by  all  this  greatness  is  the  greatness 
inherent  in  nature’s  greatest  production,  man ! And  in 
those  laws  which  govern  this  department  of  her  works ! 

Hence,  “ Be  fruitful,  and  multiply,  and  replenish 
the  earth” — fill  it  up,  and  keep  it  full — was  the  Creator’s 
first  command  to  man.  And  written  deepest  into  the 
human  constitution,  and  universal  life.  Therefore  it  is  that 
her  multiplying  instrumentalities  ramify  themselves  upon 
and  throughout  all  forms  of  life,  and  all  their  functions. 

Of  course  those  laws  which  govern  their  multiplication 
must  needs  be  correspondingly  important,  all-controlling. 
Hence  their  observance  must  yield  the  highest  order  of 
happiness  known  to  man — whatever  enjoys — while  their 
infraction  must  needs  bring  down  on  their  devoted  per- 
petrators the  most  terrible  retributions  man,  thing,  can 
experience. 

Or  thus  : Nature  has  her  creative  department,  insti- 
tutes, functions.  Of  these,  marriage  is  the  means  and 
ultimate.  This,  in  common  with  universal  entity,  has  its 
own  specific  first  laws.2  These  laws  reduce  its  operations 
to  certainty.  Being  paramount  themselves,  they  therefore 
control  all  her  other  departments  equally  with  their  own. 
Of  course,  then,  these  laws  obeyed,  yield  the  highest 
order  and  largest  range  of  happiness  provided  for  in 
nature.  And  the  reverse  of  their  every  infraction.  And 
their  study  is  both  the  most  delightful,  and  the  order  of 
truth  they  evolve  the  most  useful  to  man,  of  all  others. 
Our  subject-matter , therefore — the  exposition  of  these 
creative  laws  and  economies — stands,  par  excellence , 
primus  inter  pares. 

All  nature’s  institutes  have  their  ways  and  means.  By 
what  means , then,  are  these  creative  institutes  carried 
forward?  By  gender. 


PART  I 


LOVE. 

All  thoughts,  all  passions,  all  delights 
Whatever  stirs  this  mortal  frame — 
All  are  hut  ministers  of  Love, 

And  feed  his  sacred  flame. 


Coleridge. 


MATRIMONY. 


PART  I.-LOYE. 


SECTION  I. 

ANALYSIS  OF  THE  LOVE  ELEMENT. 

4.  SEXUALITY. A UNIVERSAL,  INHERENT  ELEMENT. 

Sexuality  is  conferred  on  every  recipient  of  life.  u Male  and 
female  created  he  them,,?  not  merely  in  the  world  of  animals  and 
man,  but  equally  even  throughout  the  entire  floral  and  cereal,  sylvan 
and  pomal,  tuberal  and  vegetable,  as  well  as  all  her  other  kingdoms. 
Indeed,  every  living  thing  is  either  masculine  or  feminine,  or  else 
embodies  the  elements  of  both. 

Nor  would  nature  have  taken  all  this  pains  to  impart  gender  to 
every  production  of  her  hands  unless  it  had  been  commensurately 
important.  It  is  important.  Infinitely  so. 

Important  on  account  of  that  greatest  of  ends  it  is  ordained  to  carry 
forward.  This  is  none  other  than  the  creative — that  very  most  import- 
ant end  carried  forward  in  the  universe.3  For  let  this  sexual  institute 
be  suspended  but  a single  generation  only,  and  insatiable  death  would 
soon  sweep  every  vestige  of  life  from  the  face  of  nature — leaving 
instead  one  dreary,  barren  waste  * and  thereby  forestalling  and  pre- 
venting all  that  happiness  which,  throughout  all  time  to  come,  is  now 
provided  for  in  and  by  this  sexual  instrumentality.3  Nor  is  any  form 
or  degree  of  life  ever  or  anywhere  established,  except  in  and  by 
gender.  Even  the  very  floral  process  itself  is  but  that  sexual  func- 
tion which  alone  imparts  germination  to  every  seed  and  thing  that 
grows.  Hence,  Hovey’s  strawberry,  a female  plant,  remains  barren 
unless  planted  in  close  proximity  to  some  staminate  or  masculine 


30 


MATRIMONY. 


variety.  Even  the  same  general  organic  forms  are  employed  in  vege- 
tative, animal,  and  human  multiplication. 

More  yet : what  is  electricity  itself,  that  great  motive  principle  of 
universal  nature,  in  its  positive  and  negative  force,  but  a modification 
and  extension  of  this  same  sexual  entity  ? its  positive  force  corre- 
sponding with  the  masculine,  and  negative  with  the  feminine.  And 
the  mutual  attraction  of  its  opposite,  but  repulsion  of  similar  poles 
are  exactly  analogous  to  the  mutual  affinity  of  opposite,  and  aversion 
of  similar  sexes.  And  why  not  these  two  creative  forces  generating, 
throughout  infinite  time  and  space,  materials  for  the  formation  of 
other  worlds,  to  be  gathered  and  embodied  by  comets,  just  as  these 
elements,  in  the  sexual  form  proper,  are  peopling  those  already 
formed  with  all  their  phases  and  infinitude  of  life  ? 

And,  pray,  what  is  even  causation  itself,  with  all  its  sweep  and 
power,2  but  another  form  of  this  very  sexuality  ? On  scanning, 
analyzing  any  cause,  it  will  be  found  to  consist  in  the  confluence — 
sexual  conjunction — of  twro  conditions,  the  product,  progeny  of  which 
is  the  effect.  May  not  this  be  found,  after  all,  to  explain  this  hitherto 
inexplicable  problem,  namely,  in  what  do  cause  and  effect  consist  ? 

At  all  events,  every  possible  form  of  terrestrial  life  is  originated  in 
and  by  this  sexual  institute.  And  you  and  I,  0 man,  woman,  child, 
thing,  with  all  our  powers  and  faculties,  physical  and  mental,  immor- 
tality even  superadded,  are  but  its  triumphant  achievements  ! As  are 
likewise  all  the  beings  and  things  that  throng  the  universe  ! Even 
all  spiritual  myriads  included  ! A work  how  infinitely  great  and 
glorious  !3  And  effected  by  a means  how  simple,  yet  infinitely  po- 
tential ! 

Life  ! What  a complication  of  functions  and  wonders  ! And  how 
infinitely  precious  ! To  ourselves,  to  others  ! Thou  life  itself,  with 
even  all  thy  wondrous  workings,  but  the  product  of  this  very  sexuality  ! 

Important  to  the  individual.  Its  office  being  to  transmit  all  parts 
of  the  parentage  to  the  progeny,  it  must  needs  pervade  all.  Else 
how  could  it  transmit  ? It  pervades,  sexes,  even  every  function, 
every  emanation  of  every  being  and  thing. 

Pervades,  sexes  the  vocal  ity.  Is  not  every  vocal  utterance,  every 
lisp  even,  of  every  man  and  woman,  boy  and  girl,  animal  and  thing, 
sexed  ? Are  not  thunder,  earthquake,  cataract,  locomotive,  mascu- 
line? And  can  not  it  be  told,  just  by  the  intonations  of  every  singer, 
speaker,  whisperer  even,  whether  a male  or  female  sings,  speaks, 
whispers  ? And  thus  down  to  every  animal,  bird,  insect  ? Do  they 
not  even  make  their  loves  mainly  by  their  voices  ? What  are  the 
creakings  of  cricket  and  katydid,  the  piping  of  frog  and  toad,  the 


THE  LOVE  ELEMENT. 


81 


croaking  of  raven  and  crowing  of  rooster,  the  wrarbling  of  feathered 
songster  and  scream  of  eagle,  the  bellowing  of  bovines  and  neighing 
of  equities,  the  roaring  of  lion  and  yelling  of  tiger,  as  well  as  all 
human  vocal  utterances,  but  sexed  and  sexual  expressions  ? And  the 
more  highly  sexed  man,  woman,  animal,  thing,  the  more  does  this 
entity  impress  and  perfect  their  every  vocal  utterance. 

Impresses,  sexes  the  chirography.  Can  it  not  be  told,  just  by  the 
superscription  on  a letter,  whether  a man  or  woman  superscribed  ? 
And  the  more  a man,  the  more,  like  that  of  John  Hancock,  twill  the 
bold,  masculine  hand-writing  appertain  to  every  stroke  of  his  emphatic 
pen.  And  the  more  feminine  or  highly  sexed  any  female,  the  more 
beautiful  all  the  strokes  and  touches  of  her  delicate  hand. 

Even  the  very  rap  at  the  door  has  gender.  For  can  not  a man’s  be 
contra-distinguished  from  a woman’s  ? And  the  more  a man  or 
woman,  the  more  easily,  because  the  better  sexed.  So  of  walk, 
motion,  etc.,  down  to  every  single  action  and  emanation  of  every 
single  individual,  person,  animal,  and  thing  ! 

The  manners,  too,  are  sexed.  Is  not  the  tone  of  man’s  comport- 
ment to  woman,  and  of  woman’s  to  man,  far  above  that  of  either  sex 
to  its  own?  And  the  more  a man  or  woman,  the  more  high-toned, 
gentlemanly,  ladylike,  the  behavior  of  each  sex  to  the  other. 

Is  not  the  form,  also,  sexed  ? Is  there  not  a male  and  female  shape 
of  face,  of  person  ? Applicable  to  insect  and  batracian,  fish  and 
fowl,  plumage  included,  lion  and  lioness  : and  thus  of  everything 
else  appertaining  to  their  entire  physical  structures,8  and  all  its  mani- 
festations. 

Equally  so,  too,  their  mentalities.  Is  there  not  a masculine  and 
a feminine  style  of  expression  and  cast  of  thought?  Can  it  not  be 
told,  just  by  the  very  wording  of  any  paragraph  or  page,  whether 
penned  by  a man  or  woman?  And  the  more  a man,  the  more,  as  in 
Webster,  will  the  bold,  potential,  original,  and  masculine  cast  of 
thought  and  expression  characterize  his  every  oration,  paragraph, 
sentiment,  and  construction  of  sentence.  Equally  so  of  feminine 
composition,  letters  especially. 

In  short,  gender  is  a necessary  entity.  As  much  so  as  form  or  mag- 
nitude. And  as  much  a universal  appurtenance  of  life  throughout 
all  its  phases,  functions,  and  emanations.  And  precisely  the  same 
characteristics,  physical  included,  appertain  to  the  male  sex  through- 
out all  its  varieties.  And  the  same,  too,  of  the  female.  Of  what 
they  are,  their  signs,  effects,  etc.,  in  our  second  Book.  Suffice  it 
here  that  we  have  pointed  out  the  existence  of  sex  as  a constituent 
element  of  things,  along  with  its  universality,  and  practical  importance. 


82 


MATRIMONY. 


5.  AMATIVENESS  AS  EMBODYING  THIS  SEXUAL  ELEMENT. 

A natural  entity  thus  absolutely  indispensable  must  needs  have 
some  corresponding  mental  faculty  in  the  human  mind.  Else  how 
could  it  be  exercised  ? It  is  in  the  economy  of  the  human  mind  that 
no  class  of  functions,  mental  or  physical,  can  ever  be  carried  forward 
except  in  and  by  a special  power  or  faculty  forming  a constituent  part 
of  that  mind.  This  faculty  is  to  its  functions  what  the  tool  is  to  the 
work  done,  or  the  machine  to  its  product.  Man  must  then  have  some 
primitive  mental  faculty  set  apart  to  carry  on  this  destined  work  of 
reproduction.  Such  a faculty  is  as  necessary  to  insure  such  function 
as  heart  circulation,  or  muscles,  motion.  By  thus  incorporating  this 
faculty  into  humanity  as  forming  a constituent  part  of  it,  nature  ren- 
ders its  actign^as  absolutely  certain  as  eating,  or  reasoning,  or  any 
other  functioji.  Hence  the  action  of  sexuality  in  all  its  varieties  of 
function  is  thus^guaranteed  forever,  by  its  being  incorporated  into  the 
very  constitutiorfof  man’s  mind. 

And  into  thathfF  all  human  beings.  As  air  can  not  be  without  the 
presence  of  all  its  5$>nstituent  elements,  or  body  without  heart,  stomach, 
bones,  each  and  al^its  parts,  so  no  human  being  can  be  human  with- 
out possessing  both  This  inherent  sexual  entity  itself,4  and  its  corre- 
sponding mental  faculty  to  secure  its  outworkings,  and  render  that 
action  absolutely  universal  and  certain. 

It  is,  moreover,  an  organic  law,  that  every  mental  faculty  has,  must 
have,  its  cerebral  organ.  The  brain  is  the  general  organ  of  the  mind. 
All  mental  function  is  carried  on  by  cerebral  action.  This  brain  is 
subdivided  into  organs,  each  of  which  carries  forward  the  special 
functions  of  its  particular  mental  faculty.  As  the  primitive  power 
to  see  can  manifest  itself  only  by  and  through  the  eye,  and  thus  of 
all  the  other  physical  functions  ; so  every  mental  faculty  can  act  only 
by  means  of  its  specific  organ  or  compartment  of  the  brain.  This, 
Phrenology  fully  demonstrates  as  a universal  ordinance  of  nature. 

Of  course,  then,  this  sexual  mental  faculty  or  power  of  mind  must 
have  its  special  cerebral  organ.  It  has  it.  And  Phrenology  has  discover- 
ed this  organ  to  be  located  in  the  back  and  lower  portion  of  the  brain, 
and  christened  it  Amativeness.  See  No.  1,  Amativeness,  in  the 
map  of  the  head.  It  is  located  just  above  the  nape  of  the  neck, 
*nd  is  the  organ  farthest  back  and  lowest  down  in  the  brain.  In  pro- 
p;  ion  as  it  is  large,  it  fills  out  the  back  and  lower  portion  of  the 
head,  just  at  its  junction  with  the  neck,  rendering  the  two  compara- 
tively straight  at  their  meeting.  But  when  it  is  small,  both  head 
and  neck  slope  inwardly  where  they  meet,  thus  making  a deep  curve 


AMATIVENESS. 


33 


at  their  junction.  It  is  very  small  in  the  following  engraving  of  an 
infant,  as  it  is  in  all  infantile  heads;  and  in  them  this  faculty  is  cor- 
respondingly weak.  It  is  also  small  in  the  accompanying  engraving 
of  a regular  man-hater. 


Infant.  Skull  of  an  Old  Maid  at  Sixty. 


But  when  large  it  fills  out  the  head  at  its  posterior  junction  with 
the  neck,  as  in  the  accompanying  engrav- 
ing of  Aaron  Burr,  than  whom,  probably, 
no  man  of  his  time,  if  of  any  other,  evinc- 
ed as  great  a degree  of  its  sentiment.  It 
was  so  large,  that  when  his  bust  was 
taken  after  death — and  the  original  is 
now  in  Fowler  and  Wells*  collection,  308 
Broadway,  New  York — the  artist  took  his 
drawing-knife  to  cut  off  what  he  supposed 
to  be  two  enormous  wens,  but  which  were 
in  reality  the  cerebral  organs  of  Amative- 
ness. His  son  standing  by,  from  whom 
the  author  had  the  anecdote,  persuaded 
him  to  let  it  remain  just  as  it  was.  And  the  mark  of  the  knife  just 
beginning  to  cut  is  found  on  the  bust.  The  correspondence,  then,  be- 
tween the  size  of  this  organ  and  power  of  this  passion  in  him  was 
perfect.  And  the  phrenological  records  are  full  and  most  conclusive 
on  this  point.  Baron  Leary,  chief  surgeon  of  Bonaparte’s  army,  than 
whom  few  had  equal  opportunities  for  observation,  says  that  those 
soldiers  shot  in  the  cerebellum  ever  afterward  remained  impotent. 
See  Boardman’s  array  of  this  class  of  facts  in  his  u Defense  of  Phre-  ■ 
nology.”  But  this  work  assumes  that  Phrenology  is  true,  and  refers, 
for  further  information,  to  works  on  this  science. 

The  special  office  of  this  faculty  is  to  transmit.  For  this  alone 


34 


MATRIMONY. 


was  it  created.  To  this  alone  is  it  devoted  and  adapted.  It  creates 
both  the  desire  and  power  to  transfer  the  entities  of  parents  to  their 
progeny.  This  transfer,  or  rather  parental  re-creation,  is  wonderfully 
minute,  as  our  second  Book  will  show.  And  this  organ  and  faculty 
embody  nature’s  instrumentalities  for  effecting  this  reproduction.  It 
is  like  the  daguerreian  process,  save  that  the  product  of  that  is  but 
an  exact  picture,  while  that  of  this  is  a reproduction  along  with  an 
amalgamation — is  an  embodiment  of  all  the  entities  of  both  the  pa- 
rents in  their  mutual  children.  And  of  all  the  phenomena,  all  the 
wonders  of  the  whole  universe  itself,  this  is  incomparably  the  most 
wonderful  in  its  certainty,  its  minuteness,  its  means,  its  philosophies, 
everything  connected  therewith.  Well  might  angels  ponder  over  its 
mysteries,  and  exult  in  view  of  its  beauties  forever  ! 

And  this  parental  embodiment  is  in  proportion,  other  things  being 
the  same,  to  the  strength  of  this  faculty,  and  this  to  the  size  of  its 
organ.  That  is,  those  who  have  a given  amount  of  physical  or  men- 
tal capacity,  with  but  weak  sexuality,  or  small  Amativeness,  will 
transfer  but  little  to  their  progeny,  as  compared  with  the  amount  they 
possess  ; whereas,  those  having  a vigorous  sexuality,  or  large  Ama- 
tiveness, though  they  may  have  less  to  transmit,  will  nevertheless 
impart  much  more  of  their  qualities  to  their  children  in  proportion  to 
the  amount  possessed.  Or  thus  : those  who  have  Amativeness  only  3 
in  a scale  of  7,  with  the  intellectual,  or  moral,  or  other  endowments  6 
or  7,  will  transmit  only  4 or  5 of  their  other  endowments;  whereas, 
if  they  had  Amativeness  6 or  7.  they  would  transmit  6 or  7 of  their 
other  endowments — would  transmit  in  even  a greater  degree  than  they 
themselves  possessed  them.  Or,  if  Amativeness  is  6 or  7,  and  their 
other  endowments  only  3 or  4,  they  will  transmit  5 or  6 of  these  en- 
dowments— in  short,  will  render  their  children  better  endowed  than 
themselves. 

In  addition  to  this  its  transmitting  office,  it  also  confers  what  might 
properly  be  called  matrimonial  talent.  It  both  predisposes  to  mar- 
riage, and  likewise  bestows  the  intuition  requisite  for  fulfilling  its  rela- 
tions. As  large  Causality  both  predisposes  to  reason  and  also  confers 
the  reasoning  gift ; as  large  Order  both  loves  method  and  instincively 
takes  the  best  course  to  secure  it ; as  large  Ideality  both  loves  beauty 
and  imparts  it  to  every  act,  look,  and  expression;  as  large  Construct- 
iveness both  loves  mechanism  and  confers  a manufacturing  and  invent- 
ive capacity,  so  large  Amativeness  not>only  loves  the  opposite  sex  and 
desires  to  unite  in  marriage  and  the  creative  institutes,  but  also  confers 
on  its  possessor  a matrimonial  capacity , talent,  gift,  instinct.  And  as 
some  are  gifted  in  one  direction,  such  as  mathematics  or  mechanics, 


AMATIVENESS,  ITS  TRUE  FUNCTION. 


35 


and  others  in  others,  as  poetry,  music,  reason,  painting,  etc.,  according 
as  their  corresponding  mental  faculties  are  strong  or  weak  and  phre- 
nological organs  large  or  small — as  reckoning  figures  naturally  comes 
easy  to  some  and  hard  to  others ; and  thus  of  traffic,  oratory,  and  all 
the  other  human  gifts — so  of  the  matrimonial.  The  difference  between 
different  persons  in  this  respect  is  indeed  heaven- wide.  Some  involun- 
tarily become  good  husbands  and  wives,  even  without  effort.  Others 
are  poor,  though  they  try  their  very  best.  The  former  have  large, 
vigorous,  and  normal  Amativeness.  In  the  latter  it  is  small  or  per- 
verted. Though  Conjugality  also  assists,  of  which  in  its  place. 

Sexuality  is  therefore  the  great  base  of  all  matrimonial  and  family 
excellence.  On  it  rests  the  entire  superstructure  of  wedlock.  Out 
of  it,  like  limbs  from  their  trunk,  grow  all  the  conjugal  relations.  Its 
full  and  right  exercise  perfectly  fulfills  them  all.  They  are  complete 
when  its  action  is  perfect.  But  they  are  incomplete  when  its  action  is 
imperfect.  It  is  hardly  possible  for  those  in  whom  it  is  large  and  nor- 
mal, however  faulty  in  other  respects,  to  make  poor  husbands  or  wives, 
any  more  than  those  poor  mechanics  or  reasoners  in  whom  Construct- 
iveness or  Causality  is  powerful.  Nor  those  good  ones  per  se  in  whom 
it  is  small,  be  their  other  excellences  however  many  or  great.  Be 
it  that  a man  is  ever  so  sober,  steady,  industrious,  provident,  libe- 
ral, religious,  moral,  intelligent,  and  all  that  ; yet  if  he  is  but 
poorly  sexed  he  is  only  a poor  commonplace  man,  and  therefore  both 
unloving  and  unlovable.  A coldness,  a hardness,  a roughness,  an  un- 
couthness, a rigidity,  a leathern  deadness,  a flatness,  a tame  passivity 
incrusts  and  smothers  all  he  says,  does,  and  is.  He  is  no  man , and 
therefore  barren  of  emotion ; is  soulless,  a mere  dried-up  thing.  And 
cares  little  for  women  in  general,  or  wife  in  particular.  And  is  cared 
little  for  by  either.  In  short,  he  is  a virtual  eunuch,  in  especir 
mind  and  heart,  as  well  as  person,  and  comparatively  worthies*.  „ 
Whereas,  he  in  whom  it  is  hearty  and  normal,  is  like  an  overflowing 
fountain,  perpetually  bubbling  up  and  ever  running  over  with  the 
fresh  and  sparkling  waters  of  our  common  humanity.  He  loves 
woman  in  general,  and  wife  in  special,  with  a fervor  which  both  re- 
awakens love  in  return,  and  teaches  him  by  intuition  just  how  to  com- 
port himself  toward  both  wife  and  the  sex.  There  is  something  so 
warm,  so  gushing,  so  glowing,  so  rich,  so  true  to  humanity  in  all  he  says  „ 
and  does,  because  he  loves  the  sex,  and  the  sex  him.  And  yon  poorly  ^ 
sexed  woman  is  so  cold,  so  spiritless,  so  half  dead  and  alive,  so  passive, 
so  tame,  so  barren  in  all  the  female  attractions  and  virtues — like 
leather  as  compared  with  skin — the  female  structure,  to  be  sure,  but 
its  life  and’ soul  weak.  She  may,  indeed,  be  a great  worker  and  a good 


36 


THE  LOVE  ELEMENT. 


housekeeper,  the  best  of  nurses  and  the  very  kindest  of  neighbors,  as 
"well  as  extra  proper,  refined,  and  all  that,  and  however  much  more 
besides,  but  she  lacks  the  very  heart’s  core  of  the  true  female.  Bar- 
ren in  womanliness,  she  lacks  the  one  thing  needful  in  both  female 
character  in  general,  and  the  uxorious  wife  in  particular.  Be  she 
however  good  in  all  other  respects,  she  is  neither  loving  nor  lovely, 
nor  satisfactory  as  a wife  proper. 

An  anecdote.  A well-sexed  husband,  hearing  these  views,  said, 
u Mr.  F.,  you  really  must  apply  your  professional  skill  to  see  why 
and  wherein  I and  my  wife  differ.  I lived  happily  with  my  first  wife, 
and  came  to  my  second  marriage  with  the  very  best  of  intentions — 
planted,  builded,  and  did  everything  just  as  my  wife  desired,  but  all 
to  no  purpose.  Please  her  I really  can  not.  We  live  together  on  toler- 
ance only.  Now  I just  want  you  to  say,  phrenologically,  what  and 
where  the  trouble  is.77 

I found  Amativeness  small  in  her.  This  was  the  whole  trouble. 
Her  sexual  poverty  rendered  her  incapable  of  appreciating  masculine 
character,  or  manifesting  feminine — of  either  loving  or  awakening 
love.  And  I advised  her  sister,  who  was  similarly  constituted,  never 
to  marry,  because  incapable  of  either  being  or  making  happy  in  wed- 
lock. To  which  she  replied,  and  with  more  truthfulness,  I trust,  than 
many  who  make  a like  declaration,  that  she  u never  wanted  to.77 
Show  me  those  who  do  not  desire  to  marry,  and  I will  show  you 
“ neuter  genders,77  mere  unsexed  things  ) whereas,  exactly  in  propor- 
tion as  this  element  is  developed,  will  it  both  create  conjugal  appetite, 
and  confer  that  intuition  which  instinctively  fulfills  its  relations. 
True,  the  pairing  instinct  comes  into  the  matrimonial  account:  but 
as  it  forms  a part  of  the  sexuality,  to  save  amplification,  we  use  Ama- 
tiveness as  embracing  both. 

True,  like  stomach,  or  memory,  though  naturally  strong,  it  may 
have  been  weakened  by  early  errors,  or  impaired  by  declining  health 
— in  which  case,  restoring  health  will  restore  it — or  it  may  be  weak- 
ened by  its  preternatural  excitement — and  false  excitement  always  and 
necessarily  weakens — or  reversed  by  disappointed  love,  Sec.  II.,  or  per- 
verted— in  which  case  the  larger  it  is  the  poorer  the  companionship — 
or  it  may  be  married  uncongenially,  and  so  lie  dormant,  or  other 
causes  may  have  impaired  or  destroyed  its  primal  action — of  which 
hereafter.  Yet,  notwithstanding  all,  in  the  aggregate,  those  in  whom 
• it  is  normal  and  vigorous  are  naturally  adapted  to  become  good 
conjugal  partners — it  hiding  a multitude  of  faults.  But  those  in 
whom  it  is  weak  or  perverted,  though  endowed  with  many  excellent 
characteristics,  are  poor  husbands  or  wives  as  such.  u I would  as 


UTILITY  OF  AMATIVENESS. 


37 


soon  marry  a man  as  her.  or  a bar-post,  for  that  matter,”  said  a well- 
sexed  man  of  an  unmarried  female  of  thirty,  who,  though  eminently 
refined,  intellectual,  moral,  and  conversational,  had  but  a small  en- 
dowment of  this  faculty,  and  extra  squeamishness.  And  he  was  right. 

Beware,  then,  how  you  marry  one  in  whom  it  is  small,  unless  it  is 
weak  in  yourself,  in  which  case  your  marriage  will  be  but  a common- 
place affair.  True,  if  you  marry  for  station,  fortune,  talents,  or  any 
other  than  strictly  matrimonial  objects  as  such,  its  strength  or  weakness 
is  less  important.  As  also  if  it  is  deficient  in  yourself.  Notwithstand- 
ing, as  a per  se  matrimonial  qualification,  it  stands  head  and  shoulders 
above  all  others — is,  indeed,  the  very  marrying  and  marriageable  entity 
itself  ; all  other  things  being  but  addendas,  postscripts. 

Most  dignified  and  exalted,  then,  is  its  office.  Is  life  the  wonder  of 
wonders,  and  is  not  that  amatory  instrumentality  by  which  it  is  orig- 
inated equally  wonderful  ? Is  life  the  one  great  staple  production  of 
earth  and  all  its  contrivances,  and  is  not  its  means  equally  great  ? 
Are  the  gifts  and  powers  of  life  everywhere  to  be  honored,  and  is  not 
that  sexual  sentiment  which  confers  them  equally  so  ? Is  life  the 
embodiment  and  summum  bonum  of  all  that  is,  and  is  not  that  gene- 
rative capacity  which  establishes  it  equally  so  ? Do  we  praise  that 
in  man  or  woman  which  does  any  great  work,  originates  any  great 
invention,  writes  a great  poem,  evolves  great  ideas,  does  anything  ex- 
traordinary, and  shall  we  not  also  praise  that  sexual  entity  in  humanity 
which  brings  these  highly  endowed  human  beings  on  the  stage  of 
action  ? Is  an  intuitive  talent  for  mechanism,  or  money-making,  or 
poetry,  or  eloquence,  or  logic,  honorable  in  its  possessor  and  useful  to 
mankind,  and  is  not  this  parental  and  conjugal  gift  quite  as  much  so? 
As  we  honor  other  capacities,  why  not  equally  this  ? As  a superior 
workman  in  any  art  awakens  admiration  for  his  skill,  why  not  one 
who  is  superior  as  a progenitor  quite  as  much  ? As  we  praise  a gifted 
orator,  why  not  equally  a superior  wfife  or  husband  ? As  statesman- 
like capacities  receive  public  ovations,  and  thus  of  other  natural 
capacities,  why  not  equally  superiority  in  life’s  conjugal  relations  ? 
In  phrenological  language,  do  we  not  honor  powerful  Combativeness, 
Acquisitiveness,  Constructiveness,  Ideality,  Conscientiousness,  Tune, 
Language,  Causality,  etc.  ? Then  why  not  also  large  and  normal 
Amativeness?  Is  it  not  as  much  a human  endowment  as  Causality 
or  Benevolence  ? Then  shall  not  excellence  therein  be  as  much  hon- 
ored ? And  cultivated,  too  ? For  is  it  not  as  honorable  ? And  as 
useful ? 

As  much  ? Why  not  more  ? As  nature’s  creative  institutes  are 
paramount,3  and  as  this  is  its  instrumentality,4  5 shall  not  this  be  even 


38 


THE  LOVE  ELEMENT. 


the  more  honored  than  they  ? If  not,  why  not  ? Shall  we  venerate 
Washington,  and  not  likewise  his  parents  ? Could  he  have  been  but 
for  them  ? And  did  he  not  inherit  from  them  the  talents  we  praise  in 
him  ? His  mother  was  one  of  nature’s  noblest  of  women.  That  is, 
she  was  admirably  sexed.  Hence  her  son’s  genius.5  All  honor,  then, 
to  her  as  well  as  him.  All  honor  to  every  true  husband  and  wife, 
father  and  mother.  Does  not  she  who  has  ever  been  a perfect  wife 
and  mother,  and  reared  a large  family  of  superior  sons  and  daughters 
to  be  and  to  make  happy,  deserve  as  much  honor  as  he  who  has  built 
a splendid  steamboat,  or  achieved  any  other  great  or  good  work  ? 

This  amatory  sentiment,  then,  is  not  that  mean,  low-lived,  brute 
passion  generally  supposed.  Instead,  it  takes  a dignified  rank  among 
the  human  powers.  It  is  not  only  an  indispensability  to  every  indi- 
vidual and  the  very  race,  but  likewise  a gift,  a talent.  Its  perversion 
alone  is  despicable.  And  that  is.  But  is  not  also  that  of  all  the 
other  faculties  ? As  Secretiveness  is  despicable,  not  in  and  of  itself, 
but  only  when  perverted  to  lying  and  trickery ; as  Acquisitiveness  is 
honorable  when  applied  to  industry,  and  becomes  low-lived  only  when 
perverted  to  cheatery  ; as  even  Veneration  when  perverted  to  heathen 
worship  is  degrading;  as  is  even  Conscientiousness  when  it  impels  to 
wrong  under  the  erroneous  supposition  that  it  is  right — Saul  when 
persecuting  the  Church — so  Amativeness  when,  and  because,  perverted 
becomes  one  of  the  vilest  of  the  human  vices  ; but  properly  exercised, 
none  of  the  human  powers  or  virtues  are  more  honorable  or  praisewor- 
thy, or  to  be  cultivated.4 

6.  ANALYSIS  OF  LOVE,  OR  MUTUAL  ATTRACTION  OF  THE  SEXES. 

But  this  creative  institute  would  remain  forever  inert,  dead,  but  for 
some  motive  principle , some  inherent  executive  force,  to  perpetually  in- 
cite it  to  carry  forward  its  great  reproducing  work.  Of  what  use 
gender  without  some  absolute  provision  for  its  exercise  ? But  that 
exercise,  like  its  work,  must  needs  be  all-potential.3  And  as  universal 
as  potential — co-equal  and  co-extensive  with  the  element  itself.4 

By  what  means , then,  is  it  set  and  kept  in  motion  ? That  is,  in 
what  does  its  exercise  consist  ? 

In  the  mutual  attraction  and  affinity  of  each  sex  for  the  other.  Always 
and  everywhere  the  male  inclines  to,  associates  and  assimilates  with, 
attracts  and  is  attracted  by,  the  female.  And  the  female  to  and  by 
the  male.  Suppose  they  mutually  repelled  each  other,  could  they 
unite  in  the  creative  economies  ?3  Or  if  merely  indifferent  ? Nor  * 
would  they,  if  possessing  only  the  common  attractiveness  of  life  and 
humanity.  All  matter  has  a certain  attraction  to  all.  Universal  life 


ITS  ANALYSIS. 


39 


is  attracted  to  and  by  all  life.  ci  Birds  of  a feather’’  and  beasts  of  kin 
u flock  together.”  Man  feels  an  attraction  to  and  for  inert  matter 
even.  More  for  vegetative  life.  More  yet  for  animal.  Still  more 
for  our  common  humanity.  But  most  of  all  for  the  opposite  sex.  In- 
deed, this  mutual  attraction  and  attractiveness  of  every  male  to  and 
by  every  female,  and  female,  male,  is  a universal  concomitant,  a con- 
stituent even,  of  gender  itself.  Is,  in  short,  its  one  specific  function. 
Men  treat  men  and  women  women  upon  the  common  plane  of  our 
common  humanity  merely.  But  every  male  feels,  acts,  toward  every 
female  upon  another,  a sexual  base — a plane  superadded  to  and  higher 
than  the  human  merely.  If  each  sex  felt  toward  the  other  as  toward 
its  own,  pray  how  could  that  great  creative  work  they  were  sexed  to 
execute  be  carried  on  ? The  perfection  of  their  mutual  children  re- 
quires the  complete  blending  and  union  of  all  the  respective  entities 
of  both  parents  in  their  production.  This  requires  perfect  mutual 
affinity.  This  affinity  must  needs  inhere  in  the  sexual  element  itself. 
Else  it  must  remain  inert.  It  does  thus  inhere.  And  its  special  office 
is  to  attract  and  affiance  each  sex  to  the  other,  in  order  to  their  com- 
plete assimilation  and  blending  in  the  parental  relations. 

This  mutual  attraction  is  called  love.  It  loves  the  society  of  the 
opposite  sex.  Man  loves  to  talk,  communicate,  interchange  thoughts 
and  feelings  with  man.  But  much  more  with  woman.  And  the  more, 
the  more  a man  he  is.  Woman,  too.  loves  to  talk.  And  so  well  that 
she  loves  to  talk  even  with  woman.  But  how  much  more  with  man  ! 
Loves  also  to  listen  as  well  as  talk.  Loves  his  deep-toned  bass  voice, 
powerful,  impressive  tones,  and  especially  overpowering  ideas,  his 
copious,  well-begotten  thoughts,  his  boldness  and  originality  of  argu- 
ment and  expression,  his  cast  of  intellect,  character,  everything 
appertaining  to  him  as  a masculine.  A well-sexed  woman  drinks 
them  in  as  appreciatingly  as  a wine  connoisseur  his  delicious  viands. 
She  feasts  thereon  as  the  epicure  on  his  delicacies.  She  is  elevated, 
elated,  inspired,  almost  intoxicated,  mentally  and  physically,  as  only 
man  can  incite  and  inspirit  woman.  Her  whole  being  becomes 
infused,  magnetized  thereby.  In  short,  she  loves  him. 

And  not  the  male,  too,  equally  attracted  to,  incited  by,  the 
female  ? “ It  is  not  meet  for  man  to  be  alone.”  This  masculine 

entity  in  him, seeks  the  feminine  in  her,  as  eyes  light,  ideality  beauty, 
intellect  knowledge.  It  inspirits,  elates  him,  as  he  her.  He  seeks 
her  society,  as  she  his.  He  loves  to  listen  to  the  soft  warblings  of  her 
sweet  feminine  voice,  in  conversation,  in  music,  and  is  enchanted, 
captivated  thereby.  In  fine,  he  loves  her,  as  she  him. 

What  loves  ? And  loves  what  ? 


40 


THE  LOVE  ELEMENT. 


The  sexuality.  It  is  this  sexual  element  in  him  which  loves  this 
same  entity  in  her.  And  in  all  its  various  manifestations,  mental 
and  physical.  Masculinity  expresses  this  element  in  man.  No 
English  word  exactly  expresses  it  in  woman.  Our  language  needs, 
must  yet  have,  some  word  expressing  that  in  woman  which  mascu 
linity  expresses  in  man.  Femininity  can  be  used  to  express  it.  We 
shall  use  it,  then,  to  signify  the  feminine  entity  and  its  manifesta- 
tions. This  masculinity  and  femininity,  then,  are  what  both  love 
and  awaken  love. 

This  love  appertains  to  each  other’s  forms.  There  being  a mascu- 
line and  a feminine  configuration,4  masculinity  loves  the  feminine 
form,  and  femininity  the  masculine.  All  beauty  of  form  is  beautiful 
to  all.  But  the  feminine  form  is  far  more  beautiful  to  man  than 
woman.  As  is  also  the  masculine  to  woman  than  man.  A woman 
admires  a beautiful  woman  much.  Man  how  much  more  ! And 
vice  versa.  And  the  more,  the  more  a man  or  woman. 

There  being  a masculine  and  a feminine  vocality,4  he  naturally 
appreciates  and  loves  this  her  vocality,  and  she  his,  more  than  either 
sex  that  of  its  own.  And  as  this  sexuality  appertains  equally  to 
mind  as  body,  and  to  mind  most,3  therefore  each  sex  loves  the  men- 
tality of  the  other  more  than  their  physiologies.  It  appertains  to 
style  of  conversation  and  composition.4  And  hence  the  style  of  each 
captivates  the  other.  It  appertains  to  their  respective  mentalities. 
Hence  woman  admires  the  masculine  mind,  and  man  the  feminine. 
Since  gender  inheres  in  all  either  sex  does  and  is,  pervading  their 
entire  being,4  therefore  this  love  element  in  each  attracts  the  whole 
being  of  the  other,  besides  being  attracted  throughout  thereby.  The 
love  element  in  each  feasts  on  all  the  other  says,  does,  is.  In  short, 
the  entire  being  of  each  attracts  and  is  attracted  by,  both  loves  and 
is  beloved  by,  the  whole  being  of  the  other.  And  their  minds  most, 
because  most  sexed. 

But  in  order  fully  to  expound  the  nature  of  this  love  element,  we 
must  first  show  its  rationale.  Must  show  its  effects  by  first  showing 
its  object.  Its  what  by  its  what  for.  Its  nature  by  its  office.  Then, 
for  what  was  it  created?  What  end  does  it  subserve?  The  creative. 
And  no  other.  It  was  not  instituted  merely  to  render  its  participants 
happy,  any  more  than  appetite  to  give  pleasure  in  eating,  or  lan- 
guage in  talking.  But,  as  eating  was  instituted  to  feed  the  system, 
and  the  pleasures  incidental’  thereto  are  secondary  and  incentive 
merely,  instituted  to  render  its  action  the  more  certain — and*  this  is 
true  of  all  man’s  other  functions— so  love  yields  to  the  loving  a world 
of  pleasure,  in  order  that  this  pleasure  may  promote  and  further  this 


ITS  ANALYSIS. 


41 


its  creative  end.  But  the  pleasure  itself  is  secondary.  The  end  only  is 
primal.  Offspring  is  nature’s  only  end  and  rationale  of  love.  And 
all  its  phases  and  degrees  naturally  tend  to  promote  and  eventuate  in 
their  production  and  improvement.  This  is  too  obvious  to  need  proof, 
or  even  illustration.  As  obvious  as  that  two  and  two  make  four. 

Of  course,  then,  all  the  conditions  of  offspring  must  needs  be  em- 
bodied in  this  love  element  and  its  conditions.  Not  of  their  number 
merely,  but  quality  also.  Nature  wants  many  much,  but  good  more. 
Thus,  as  it  is  a natural  ordinance  that  superior  beings  should  take 
precedence  over  inferior,  animal  over  vegetable,  man  over  animal, 
and  the  higher  races  and  individuals  over  the  lower ) so  nature  would 
produce  the  greatest  number,  along  with  the  highest  order  of  human 
beings.  And  the  conditions  of  the  highest  order  are  obviously  wrought 
into  her  love  or  creative  economies.  The  perfection  of  offspring  re- 
quires the  perfect  blending  and  embodiment  of  all  the  elements  of  both 
their  parents.  And  the  rationale  and  ultimate  of  this  mutual  attrac- 
tion is  that  parental  blending  and  embodiment  which  both  establishes 
life  and  transmits  hereditarily  to  their  progeny  the  entire  entities  of 
both  parents.  Hence,  whenever  this  love  or  affinity  is  incomplete,  their 
mutual  blending  is  correspondingly  so,  and  equally  so  their  offspring. 
Both  parental  entities  require  to  become  perfectly  amalgamated  into 
a one,  in  order  that  they  may  be  thus  embodied  and  transmitted. 
This  embodiment  it  is  the  office  of  love  to  effect.  It  thus  mutually 
unites  as  well  as  attracts.  And  attracts  in  order  to  unite.  It  blends 
the  two  parents  into  a one,  li  so  that  they  are  no  longer  twain  but  one 
flesh”  in  themselves  and  children.  They  are  to  enter  conjointly  upon 
their  creative  mission,  and  therefore  require  that  this  flowing  together 
arrangement  appertain  to  all  their  other  functions,  in  order  that  it 
may  thereby  appertain  the  more  perfectly  to  this  likewise.  And  this 
in-common  arrangement  must  be  perfect  in  everything  else,  in  order 
that  it  may  be  perfect  in  this.  Their  very  thoughts  and  feelings  must 
needs  vibrate  in  unison  in  all  other  respects,  in  order  that  the  vibra- 
tion may  be  complete  here.  All  the  notes  throughout  their  entire 
nature  must  accord,  so  that  the  concord  may  be  the  more  perfect  in 
this,  its  key-note.  Discord  anywhere  else  also  enters  into  this.  And 
therefore,  preventing  it  elsewhere  prevents  it  here.  And  the  more 
perfect  in  the  others,  the  more  perfect  here.  And  the  more  perfect 
here,  the  more  perfect  the  transmission.  And  the  more  highly  en- 
dowed their  mutual  children.  And  those  who  love  thereby  naturally 
do  become  one.  Indeed,  unity  is  the  very  function  of  love.  Let  those 
who  have  ever  loved,  but  analyze  this  sentiment.  Did  it  not  produce, 
consist  in,  a flowing  together  of  thought,  feeling,  everything?  As 


42 


THE  LOVE  ELEMENT. 


u straws  show  which  way  the  wind  blows/’  so  little  things,  the  walk, 
will  show  the  workings  of  love.  Let  a tall  man  who  naturally  takes 
long  steps  come  to  love  a woman  who  takes  short  ones,  and  he  will 
involuntarily  step  the  shorter,  and  she  the  longer,  till  both  come  to 
step  exactly  alike — Their  motions  faying  into  each  other  as  if  one 
common  spirit  actuated  those  of  both.  Coming  even  to  the  curb, 
where  it  is  doubtful  whether  one  long  or  two  short  steps  shall  measure 
the  distance,  both  seem  instinctively  to  judge  and  step  alike.  They 
may  be  aptly  compared  to  two  goblets,  each  half  full,  one  with  one 
colored  liquid,  and  another  with  another,  poured  together,  so  that 
there  are  no  longer  two  colors,  hut  the  two  unitedly  forming  a new 
single  color,  a perfect  amalgam  of  both,  every  particle  of  each  inter- 
mingling freely  with  every  particle  of  the  other.  They  actually 
often  find  themselves  thinking  together  on  the  same  subjects,  and 
even  speaking  the  very  same  words  at  one  and  the  same  time.  They 
desire  to  be  always  together;  and,  when  apart,  feel  restless  and  lost, 
as  if  a part  of  their  own  being  had  been  torn  from  them,  while  a 
part  of  that  of  their  loved  one  remained  ever  present  with  them.  And 
how  delightful  their  reunion  ! But  be  their  bodies  wherever  they 
may,  their  spirits  are  in  sympathy.  Let  her  be  on  the  Western 
prairie,  but  he  busy  in  bustling  New  York ; if  she  fall  sick  so  as 
really  to  need  his  presence,  her  spirit  holds  that  perfect  intercom- 
munion with  his,  which  draws  on  his,  till,  feeling  as  if  he  must  go 
home,  he  breaks  from  business,  hastens  to  the  lightning  train,  and 
rushes  home,  as  if  crazy  to  be  at  her  side.  Goethe  incidentally  de- 
scribes the  workings  of  love  in  his  allegory  of  the  two  philosophers 
who  had  two  dials,  the  hands  on  which  moved  together.  Going  into 
distant  lands,  they  agreed  at  stated  times  to  commune  with  each 
other  by  means  of  these  dials.  So,  when  love  has  its  perfect,  its 
highest  work — and  this  phenomenon  appertains  to  no  other  phase  of 
it — no  matter  where  their  bodies  are,  their  spirits  are  in  sympathy. 
Or  let  either  at  a given  hour  fall  into  a love  revery,  musing  on  the 
other,  the  other  also,  however  far  away,  will  be  thrown  thereby  into 
a like  revery.  Let  true  lovers  compare  notes,  and  they  will  find 
both  are  meditating  on  each  other  at  the  same  hour  and  minute.  Of 
course,  these  illustrations  apply  only  to  the  highest  phase  of  love ; 
but  to  them  they  do  apply.  They  expound  the  love  element.  This 
is  but  the  product  of  that  blending,  that  perfect  reciprocity  in  which 
love  consists.  And  it  is  this  oneness  which  unites  both  their  entities 
ill  their  children. 

Accordingly,  the  children  of  affectionate  wedlock  are  much  more 
highly  endowed  by  nature  as  compared  with  the  talents  and  virtues 


ITS  ANALYSIS. 


43 


of  their  parents,  than  those  of  discordant.  Those  of  the  former  are 
smarter  and  better,  those  of  the  latter  less  intelligent  and  good,  than 
their  respective  parents — taking,  of  course,  their  health  and  other 
conditions  into  due  account.  In  1840,  two  most  beautiful,  even 
angelic,  children,  came  under  my  hands  professionally — so  far  more 
highly  endowed  every  way  than  their  parents,  that  I wondered  to  see 
such  extra  fine  children  from  such  common  parentage.  They  were 
so  very  fine,  that  my  wife,  carried  away  with  their  beauty  and  sweet- 
ness, took  down  their  address,  that  she  might  re-feast  her  eyes  on 
their  superior  loveliness.  She  then  learned  its  obvious  cause,  namely, 
that  both  parents  had  married  their  first  and  only  love  ) that  never 
one  unkind  or  discordant  word  had  ever  passed  between  them  • that 
their  conjugal  union  was  indeed  perfect. 

But  mark,  imperfection  always  characterizes  the  children  of  dis- 
cordant wedlock.  They  have  glaring  defects,  or  excesses,  or  both. 
They  lack  homogeneousness  and  consistency  of  character.  If  the 
father  is  dictatorial  and  mother  submissive,  or  mother  a shrew  and 
father  henpecked,  their  children  may  be  merely  good,  like  the  subdued 
parent,  but  will  lack  force.  And  thus  of  other  points.  And  the 
faults  of  both  will  be  aggravated,  but  virtues  diminished,  in  their 
children,  who  will  show  rather  a marked  resemblance  to  one  than  the 
blending  and  assimilation  of  both. 

Thus,  suppose  a son  of  discordant  wedlock  to  be  a preacher.  He 
must  needs  take  after  one  parent  or  the  other,  for  he  can  not  after  both. 
Their  discord  prevents.  If  after  father,  he  is  perhaps  talented  and 
powerful,  but  not  emotional.  Is  rather  gifted  than  good.  May 
preach  to  the  heads  of  his  hearers,  but  will  not  reach  their  hearts. 
Or,  if  he  takes  more  after  his  mother,  he  is  all  fervor,  glow,  emotion, 
and  pathos,  but  lacks  depth  and  power.  He  may  indeed  carry  tfieir 
hearts,  but  can  not  reach  their  heads. 

But  the  son  of  affectionate  wedlock  will  unite  the  talents  of  the  male 
with  the  virtues  of  the  female,  and  therefore  be  both  intellectual  and 
emotional,  talented  and  good.  And  carry  head  along  with  heart.  In 
other  words,  is  the  perfect  man. 

Love  between  the  parents  also  entails  a calm,  quiet,  even,  har- 
monious character,  which  renders  life  smoother  and  happier,  while 
parental  discord  engenders  a harsh,  rough,  irritable,  restless,  feverish 
sta'te,  inimical  to  both  virtue  and  enjoyment. 

But  the  full  power  of  this  point  can  not  be  made  apparent  here. 
It  will  come  up  again  from  another  stand-point,  when  both  its  extent 
and  importance  will  be  rendered  far  more  emphatic  than  now. 
Indeed,  this  whole  work  will  apply,  and  thereby  reinforce  both  the 


44 


THE  LOVE  ELEMENT. 


effect  and  necessity  of  perfect  parental  oneness  as  a means  of  progenal 
endowment.  The  point  now  especially  under  consideration  is,  that 
this  love  element,  this  power  to  attract  and  be  attracted,  this  fusing, 
blending  entity,  are  all  one — are  the  product  of  this  sexuality,  and 
the  instrumentality  of  that  perfect  oneness  which  combines  the  entire 
being  of  both  parents  in  the  characteristics  of  their  children. 

Now,  this  fusing  principle  is  a hundred-fold  stronger  in  some  than 
others.  Nor  does  it  bear  any  proportion  to  the  other  faculties  of  the 
same  individual.  It  may  be  weak  or  strong  in  combination  with 
either  weak  or  strong  passions,  moral  sentiments,  intellect,  or  any  of 
the  other  faculties.  Some  seem  naturally  to  blend  and  affiliate  with, 
become  one,  amalgamate,  interfuse,  lose  their  identity,  by  merging  it 
in  with  that  of  their  loved  one.  In  others,  this  welding  of  spirit  is 
imperfect  and  difficult.  They  might  aptly  be  compared  to  the  weld- 
ing of  irons — those  red-hot  welding  completely,  but  the  cooler  the  less 
completely.  To  the  melting  together  of  different  metals,  as  in  Ger- 
man silver,  all  the  particles  of  which  flow  and  pack  together  in  a 
perfect  amalgam.  Some  maintain  their  identity  almost  as  much  after 
love  as  before*  while  others  lose  it  completely.  Some  enjoy  things — 
eating,  walking,  life’s  various  pleasures — about  as  much  alone  as 
with  the  one  they  love.  Others,  again,  can  do  nothing,  enjoy  nothing, 
except  with  their  conjugal  mate.  Some  can  love  heartily,  even  if  the 
object  is  not  to  their  liking;  while  the  love  of  others  is  easily  chilled 
by  any  dissimilarities.  Some  cling  to  their  loved  one,  even  though 
abused  and  deeply  wronged,  like  the  spaniel,  who  loves  though 
beaten  ; while  minor  wrongs  completely  alienate  the  affections  of 
others.  And  thus  throughout  the  entire  chapter  of  the  blending  in- 
fluences of  love. 

Now,  this  difference  is  fundamental.  Like  differences  in  talents, 
music,  figures,  poetry,  etc.  And  has  its  cause . And  that  cause  the 
different  degrees  or  proportions  of  this  sexual  element.  It  is  the 
sexuality  which  loves,  blends,  and  awakens  love.  Which  both  attracts 
and  then  is  attracted  by.  And  blends  in  order  to  transmit.  And  the 
fuller  this  sexuality,  the  more  perfect  this  blending,  and  the  progeny. 

To  sum  up  : Amativeness  is  adapted,  and  adapts  man  to  nature’s 
sexual  institutes.  It  is  that  mental  element  in  which  gender  inheres, 
and  through  which  it  expresses  itself.  It  embodies  the  marrying  and 
marriageable,  as  well  as  the  parental  entity.  Amativeness,  sexuality, 
parentage,  conjugality,  and  the  love  element,  therefore,  are  convertible 
terms,  and  but  different  expressions  for  the  same  common  section  of 
humanity,  and  hence  will  be  used  indiscriminately  in  this  work.  And 
the  measure  of  either  is  also  that  of  each,  as  well  as  of  all  the  others. 


POWER  OF  THE  LOVE  ELEMENT. 


45 


SECTION  H. 

POWER  OF  THE  LOVE  ELEMENT  OVER  HUMAN  HAPPINESS 

AND  DESTINY. 


7.  RATIONALE  OF  THE  POWER  OF  LOVE. 

But,  as  every  statue  must  needs  have  its  pedestal,  every  structure 
its  foundation,  every  natural  creation  its  end  or  object,  and  every 
truth  its  rationale,  so  this  love  or  blending  element  must  likewise 
have  its  rationale.  And  that  rationale  must  needs  disclose  its  object. 
And  this  object  its  first  laics.  And  these  laws  its  details , modus 
operandi , and  power.  Then,  what  is  the  rationale  of  love  ? The 
creation,  endowment,  and  perfection  of  human  beings.  The  perpe- 
tuity, multiplication,  and  improvement  of  mankind.  Nature  must 
not  only  reproduce,  but,  likewise,  u each  after  its  kind P Else  the 
various  races  and  species  would  lose  their  distinctive  characteristics. 
Apples  would  cease  to  be  apples,  wheat  wheat,  man  man,  and  so  on 
throughout  all  that  reproduces.  But  this  would  render  our  whole 
earth  one  complete  Babel.  To  prevent  this,  the  resemblance  of 
progeny  to  parents  must  needs  be  most  minute.  It  is  so.  How 
minute,  words  can  hardly  describe.  Of  this  in  our  second  Volume. 
Suffice  it  here,  that  all  who  have  any  African  or  Indian  blood  run- 
ning in  their  veins  show  its  marks,  physically  and  mentally,  in  walk, 
in  color,  in  tone,  in  everything.  Specialties  can  be  traced  in  animals 
and  man  for  thousands  of  years — as  far  as  any  accounts  are  given. 
Now,  this  wonderful  minuteness  of  transfer  must  have  its  cause. 
Nature  always  works  by  means , never  without  them.  By  what 
instrumentalities , then,  does  she  transmit  the  entire  entity  of  parentage, 
down  to  its  minutest  shadings  and  phases,  to  her  progeny  ? 

In  and  by  ramifying  this  love  or  transmitting  element  upon  and 
throughout  the  entire  entities  of  the  parents,  down  even  to  the 
minutest  shadings  of  character  and  manifestations  of  body  and  mind. 
To  render  this  transfer  complete,  this  permeation  must  needs  be  cor- 
respondingly complete.  Else,  how  could  it  transmit  ? And  its  power 
over  the  entire  being  must  needs  be  equally  perfect  and  absolute. 
And  so  it  is.  It  holds  in  its  hands  the  destinies  of  all  its  possessors, 
to  build  up  when  in  a right  state,  to  break  down  when  in  a wTong. 
And  the  more  so,  the  more  potential  this  faculty.  No  one  portion, 


46 


POWER  OF  THE  LOVE  ELEMENT 


not  even  a single  function,  of  human  nature  can  ever  escape  its 
power.  It  has  just  been  shown  to  be  basilar  in  its  position,  and  its 
influence  must  therefore  be  correspondingly  eventful. 

8.  INFLUENCE  OF  LOVE  OVER  THE  BODY,  AND  ITS  FUNCTIONS. 

The  following  engraving  and  explanation  of  a section  made  through 
the  middle  of  the  brain,  from  the  nose  over  the  median  line  to  the 
spine,  shows  the  position  of  the  cerebellum,  and  also  its  structure,  as 
seen  in  the  u arbor  vitae,”  that  branch-like  formation  in  which  Amative- 
ness resides.  The  name,  11  arbor  vitae,”  tree  of  life,  was  given  it  from 
its  resemblance  to  a bough  or  tree  with  branches,  and  that  long  before 
Phrenology  discovered  it  to  be  the  tree  or  origin  of  life  in  very  deed — 
that  all  life  is  originated  in,  and  conferred  by,  its  promptings.  And 


A PERPENDICULAR  SECTION  OF  THE  BRAIN  AND  SKULL. 


how  impressive  the  anatomical  fact,  that  the  structure  of  this  very 
cerebellum,  or  phrenological  organ  of  Amativeness,  shows  it  to  be  the 
great  human  and  animal  sensorium  ! 

The  following  engraving  still  further  shows  what  a vast  amount 
of  nerves  center  in  and  ramify  over  this  very  cerebellum,  and.  of 


OVER  THE  BODILY  FUNCTIONS. 


47 


course,  amatory  organ.  All  portions  of  the  body  are  connected  with 
the  brain — that  great  organ  of  life.  And  every  bodily  organ — heart, 


THE  NERVES  OP  TIIE  BRAIN. 


lungs,  stomach — has  its  cerebral  organs  in  the  base  of  the  brain ; of 
which  Alimentiveness  and  muscular  motion  furnish  examples.  And 
these  cerebral  organs  are  either  in  or  right  close  around  this  cere- 
bellum in  which  Amativeness  is  located.  Now,  since  organs  located 
together  naturally  act  together,  and  react  to  quicken  each  other,  we 
might  naturally  expect  the  state  of  Amativeness  to  modify  all  the 
physical  functions,  because  it  is  located  in  such  close  proximity  to  all. 
Or  thus  : all  portions  of  the  body  communicate  with  the  brain,  that 
great  organ  of  all  life  and  function,  by  means  of  the  spinal  column. 
The  little  finger  nail  lives  by  means  of  its  nervous  communication 
with  the  brain.  Sever  that,  and  it  dies.  So  of  all  the  other  bodily 
organs.  Nerve  is  the  great  instrumentality  of  life.  Every  part  has, 
must  have,  its  nerve,  and  that  nerve  must  communicate  with  both  its 
organ  and  the  brain.  And  most  of  these  nerves  of  the  bodily  organs 
connect  with  the  brain  through  the  spinal  column,  and  terminate  at 
the  cerebellum.  And  are  thus  anatomically  connected  with  Amative- 
ness just  as  closely  as  possible.  This  engraving  further  shows  that 
the  nerves  from  the  eye  terminate,  are  ramified,  just  as  near  Amative- 
ness as  may  be.  Behold  this  concentration  of  the  bodily  nerves  in 
this  cerebellum  ! That  is,  at  the  cerebral  organ  of  love.5  This  shows 


48 


POWER  OF  THE  LOVE  ELEMENT 


why  and  how  all  the  states  of  love  must  necessarily  modify  and  affect 
all  the  physical  functions.  And  so  they  do. 

POWER  OF  LOVE  OVER  THE  MUSCULAR  SYSTEM. 

Love  exercised  normally  redoubles  muscular  activity  and  power. 
Let  a man  pat  a little  girl’s  cheek  pleasantly,  and  she  bounds  off  as 
sprightly  and  as  briskly  as  a lark.  Those  well-sexed  walk  with  an 
elastic  grace  unattainable  by  others,  every  movement  being  full  of 
snap,  and  peculiarly  attractive.  Hence  the  very  walk  of  either  sex 
does  much  to  captivate  the  other.  This  is  consequent  on  a pecu- 
liarity of  movement  given  by  Amativeness  to  the  loins  and  hips  by 
means  of  these  nerves.  This  embodies  the  natural  language  of  Ama- 
tiveness, as  will  be  shown  hereafter,  which  proclaims  itself  unmistak- 
ably in  not  merely  the  walk,  but  in  every  single  motion.  It  imparts 
something  so  beautiful,  so  taking,  so  queenly,  to  the  motion  of  all 
well-sexed  women — so  dignified,  noble,  proud,  and  manly  to  that  of 
man.  And  doubly  so  when  they  are  heartily  in  love  ! 

An  illustrative  anecdote.  A letter  of  introduction  from  an  intimate 
male  friend  to  his  betrothed  in  Bridgeport,  gave  me  an  excellent 
opportunity  often  to  observe  and  admire  her  graceful  manners  and 
feminine  motions.  Meeting  him  at  the  wharf  when  he  landed,  I 
accompanied  him  to  her  father’s  house  the  day  before  their  intended 
marriage,  and  though  I had  previously  admired  her  beauty  and  grace 
of  motion  much,  for  she  was  both  well  sexed  and  in  love,  yet  the 
moment  she  set  eyes  on  him  a new  electric  love-flash  lightened  up  her 
entire  being.  Her  countenance  glowed  with  this  seraphic  emotion 
intensified.  Her  eyes  sparkled,  her  lips  quivered,  her  beauty  of  mo- 
tion became  re-enchanting,  and  every  function  of  mind  and  body 
seemed  electrified,  reinspired  by  awakened  love.  I walked  behind 
them  the  next  day  to  church  on  their  way  to  the  hymeneal  altar, 
reading  her  walk,  so  queenly,  and  every  motion  so  surpassingly  per- 
fect, as  only  intense  love  fully  elicited  could  have  perfected  it.  And 
how  much,  think  you,  of  that  poetic  grace  of  manners,  beauty  of 
looks,  perfection  of  walk,  and  all  that  we  admire  in  the  blushing 
bride,  is  due  to  awakened  love  ? 

By  virtue  of  this  law  it  is,  that  wThen  two  walk  together  that  love 
each  other  there  is  no  describing  this  perfecting  influence  of  love  on 
their  motive  organs.  If  they  start  out  on  a pic-nic  or  excursion,  even 
if  either  or  both  are  weakly,  they  walk  on,  on,  on,  for  miles,  so  gayly, 
so  lively,  so  easily,  wholly  unconscious  of  time,  distance,  fatigue,  or 
weather.  But  let  them  come  afterward  to  dislike  each  other,  and 
though  just  as  strong  now  as  before,  the  road,  distance,  weather,  all 


OVER  THE  BODILY  FUNCTIONS. 


49 


the  same,  how  great  the  contrast ! What  was  then  so  short  has  now 
become  so  long.  What  was  then  so  charming  is  now  so  dull  ] then 
so  pleasant,  now  so  irksome,  that  they  return  soured,  fatigued,  and 
utterly  disappointed.  Tiresome  indeed  is  all  muscular  exertion  when 
love  is  reversed. 

This  principle  applies  to  work.  Let  men  be  employed  in  labor  or 
muscular  exertion  of  any  kind,  or  trials  of  strength,  whenever  ladies 
stop  to  look  on,  how  much  spryer,  stronger,  smarter  they  become, 
more  agile,  less  fatigued,  more  enduring,  and  less  indolent.  But 
when  woman  looks  on  with  a disdainful  or  evil  eye,  how  that  look 
palsies  ! 

And  how  irksome,  how  tiresome,  how  wearisome  beyond  measure 
that  wife’s  toil  for  her  family  who  finds  that  she  is  neither  appre- 
ciated nor  loved  ! Perhaps  weakly  at  best,  or  even  sickly,  and  in 
pain,  she  toils  on  unrequited,  unsustained  by  one  approving  smile, 
one  cheering  affectionate  word,  for  months  and  years,  trying  her  best 
to  please  and  win,  but  in  vain.  Give  me  rather  the  treadmill  than 
her  jaded,  spiritless  berth.  What  task  as  great  as  hers?  What  toil 
as  toilsome  ? Oh,  I pity  her  from  the  bottom  of  my  very  soul.  And 
there  are  many  such.  Ah  ! how  many  ! Nor  do  even  themselves 
realize  all  they  suffer. 

And  how  much  affection  would  lighten  their  burden  ! Would 
strengthen  their  muscles  by  strengthening  their  resolution.  The 
same  woman,  sick  or  well  at  heart,  can  do  or  endure  twice  as  much 
when  loved  as  unloved.  A weakly  but  loving  and  beloved  woman 
can  do,  endure  and  accomplish  more  than  a strong  one  unloving  and 
unloved.  What  wonders  that  delicate  wife  nursing  her  sick  husband 
can  go  through  for  love  ! How  much  more  do  and  endure  from  love 
than  duty  merely  ! Would  that  husbands  duly  appreciated  this  prin- 
ciple. Their  wives  could  and  would  do  and  endure  twice  the  labor 
they  now  do,  and  with  half  the  wear  and  tear  of  constitution. 

And  apply  not  these  principles  equally  to  masculine  toil  ? 

THE  MERRY  DANCE 

Furnishes  the  very  best  illustration  of  this  point.  Females  dancing 
alone  with  only  feminine  spectators,  dance  with  nothing  like  the  grace 
or  motive  perfection  they  naturally  assume  when  dancing  with  and  be- 
fore gentlemen.  The  more  so  when  in  love.  This  renders  their 
motion  peculiarly  beautiful,  almost  angelic.  To  be  appreciated  it 
must  be  seen  or  felt.  It  can  never  be  described.  And  irksome  beyond 
expression  this  same  dance  to  those  whose  love  has  been  blasted. 
Docs  awakened  love  stimulate,  disappointed  deadens,  the  whole  mus- 

3 


50 


POWER  OF  THE  LOVE  ELEMENT 


cular  system.  Few  seem  conscious  of  its  power.  Yet  probably  the 
memory  of  most  readers  will  attest  the  fact,  if  not  the  extent,  of  this 
power. 

CIRCULATION  AS  AFFECTED  BY  LOYE. 

Does  not  the  heart  throb  and  leap,  and  the  warm  blood  rush  bound- 
ing and  foaming  through  every  artery  and  vein,  bearing  new  life  and 
animation  into  and  throughout  every  organ  and  fiber  of  those  that 
love,  clear  out  to  the  very  ends  of  their  little  finger-nails  even?  In- 
deed, knowing  ones  can  tell,  just  by  feeling  the  pulse,  who  are  and 
are  not  in  love.  And  who  have  been  disappointed.  The  pulsations  of 
love  are  hearty  and  vigorous  • whereas  those  in  disappointment  are 
either  few,  faint,  and  languid,  or  else  fast  and  fluttering  but  weak. 
Or  both  by  turns,  now  so  slow  and  weak,  the  inert  life-current  crawl- 
ing snail-like  through  the  relaxed  veins,  but  anon  crowding  them 
almost  to  bursting  with  its  excited  palpitations. 

In  love,  how  warm  and  glowing  hands,  feet,  flesh,  entire  person  ! 
But,  in  disappointment,  how  cold  the  hands  ! How  cold  the  feet ! 
How  cold  the  flesh  ! How  cold  the  heart  ! And  hence  those  figura- 
tive expressions,  broken-hearted,  tender-hearted,  etc.,  thus  associating 
love  so  intimately  with  the  heart. 

Nor  does  anything  occasion  as  many  colds  as  disappointment.  Nor 
as  many  diseases  as  colds.  The  paiuful  excitement  consequent  on 
love  withdraws  the  blood  from  the  limbs  and  surface,  and  concen- 
trates it  in  the  head,  induces  colds,  lung  diseases,  especially  consump- 
tion, and  occasions  a world  of  disease  and  premature  deaths,  which  a 
hearty  state  of  love  would  have  prevented.  And  a revival  of  love 
would  rebuild  dilapidated  constitutions  by  untold  thousands,  which 
broken  hearts  have  broken  down. 

Behold  the  cheek  of  that  blushing  maiden  in  the  full  tide  of  re- 
ciprocated love  ! How  full  of  blood  ! And  that  how  flush  and 
warm  ! In  disappointment,  that  same  cheek  how  pale,  bloodless,  and 
flabby  ! 

The  full  lips  quiver  in  love,  and  are  warm  and  expressive.  In 
disappointment,  are  parched  and  bloodless,  wrinkled  and  inexpressive  ! 

And  as  of  heart  so  of  stomach,  liver,  viscera,  all  the  other  organs 
and  functions  of  the  body  proper. 

SLEEP  AS  AFFECTED  BY  LOVE. 

And  is  not  the  sleep  of  affection  so  inexpressibly  sweet  and  refresh- 
ing? But  that  of  disappointment  how  restless,  how  tiresome  even  ! 
And  do  not  those  disappointed  lie  awake  hour  after  hour,  rolling  and 
tossing  from  side  to  side  upon  their  heated  couch,  in  a wild  delirium  of 


OVER  THE  PHYSICAL  FUNCTIONS. 


61 


painful,  aggravating  reminiscences  and  emotions,  till  perhaps  just  at 
dawn  imperfect  sleep,  mingled  with  fitful  dreams  that' render  sleep 
more  painful  than  wakefulness,  supervenes  to  relieve,  but  not 
refresh. 

The  eye  is  peculiarly  expressive  of  the  state  of  love.  In  love  it 
becomes  so  large,  glowing,  open,  radiant,  and  brilliant,  so  full  of  soul, 
so  luscious  to  behold  ! As  just  seen,  the  optic  nerve  enters  the  brain 
close  to  Amativeness,  and  it  is  this  anatomical  relation  which  throws 
so  much  love  into  the  eye.  Lovers  look  their  love  more  pathetically, 
more  emphatically  than  talk  it  even.  But  how  dead,  leaden,  down- 
cast, and  shame-faced,  how  hardened,  and  defiant  the  look  of  disappoint- 
ment ! The  eye  so  vacant,  so  glaring,  so  bewildered,  as  if  looking 
listless  into  space ! Or,  maybe,  fiendish  ! 

THE  LAUGH  OF  LQVE  AND  DISAPPOINTMENT. 

The  laugh,  too,  is  both  sexed,  and  rendered  inexpressibly  delightful 
to  laugher  and  hearer  by  a state  of  love.  Awakened  love  renders  it 
so  full,  so  hearty,  so  merry,  so  ecstatic,  as  if  the  whole  soul  went 
with  it;  both  bursting  right  straight  up  from  the  full  heart  of  the 
laugher,  and  going  down  deep  into  that  of  hearer.  And  those  in 
love  laugh  so  much , as  well  as  joyously.  Only  just  analyze  the  laugh 
of  that  well-sexed  maiden  in  love.  Well  may  it  intoxicate  her  lover’s 
heart,  and  even  turn  his  head  ! 

But  the  laugh  of  disappointed  love  is  so  tame,  as  well  as  rare,  as 
if  forced  and  affrighted  at  itself. 

LOVE  BEAUTIFIES  ; DISAPPOINTMENT  RENDERS  HOMELY. 

All  beauty  is  but  the  vivid  expression  of  human  nature.  Physical 
beauty  consists  in  expressing  the  physical  functions,  and  mental 
beauty  in  a normal  expression  of  the  mental  faculties,  but  homeli- 
ness in  their  abnormal  expression.  We  are  now  showing  how  won- 
derfully love  heightens  all  the  physical  functions.  Of  course  it 
thereby  re-increases  the  beauty  inherent  in  their  hearty  expression. 
We  shall  presently  show  that  it  likewise  redoubles  the  action  of  all 
the  mental  faculties,  and  of  course  the  beauty  concomitant  on  their 
expression.  It  also  augments  beauty,  partly  by  rendering  those  in- 
trinsically beautiful  the  more  so,  in  that  it  causes  those  who  love  to 
look  upon  those  beloved  as  more  charming  and  captivating  than  they 
really  are.  That  is,  it  both  beautifies  all  by  redoubling  alf  their  func- 
tions, and  by  love  becoming  a magnifying  glass  to  the  eye  of  the  lover. 
Those  beloved  are  always  good-looking  in  the  eyes  of  their  lovers,  no 
matter  how  unmistakably  homely  to  others.  While  those  who  are 


62 


POWER  OF  THE  LOVE  ELEMENT 


hated  are  homely  to  the  hater,  no  matter  how  handsome  to  others. 
How  beautifully,  how  perfectly,  our  subject  accounts  for  the  workings 
of  the  human  soul  ! 

LOVE  HEIGHTENS  THE  EXPRESSIONS  OF  THE  COUNTENANCE. 

In  love  the  eye  is  lit  up  with  a brilliant  glow,  the  lips  quiver  with 
the  playful  smile,  the  mouth  shows  intense  emotion,  the  cheeks  are 
adorned  with  a flush  more  captivating  than  earthly  pencilings  can 
imitate.  All  the  facial  lines  are  drawn  upward , and  the  whole  soul 
— and  that  soul  is  rendered  angelic  by  love — struggles  for  facial  ex- 
pression. But  in  disappointment,  all  the  lines  are  drawn  downward. 
A sad,  melancholy  look  has  superseded  that  animated  smile,  and  ren- 
dered the  face  a comparative  blank.  All  is  now  so  ashy  pale,  so 
careworn,  so  leaden,  so  disconsolate,  as  if  every  friend  were  dead,  and 
death  a boon  ! Look  on  this  face,  and  then  on  that ! 

10.  LOVE  EQUALLY  AFFECTS  THE  INTONATIONS. 

Not  only  is  every  vocal  utterance  sexed,4  but  inexpressibly  improved 
by  a state  of  love,  and  deteriorated  by  a state  of  disappointment. 
Each  mental  faculty  has  its  special  vocal  expression.  But  love  most 
of  all.  Thus,  as  if  there  were  praying  in  a room  on#  the  right, 
and  swearing  in  one  on  the  left,  it  might  be  told  which  company 
swore  and  which  worshiped,  just  from  their  intonations  merely  ; so 
let  animated  conversation  be  transpiring  in  another,  so  that  I may 
hear  their  intonations  plainly,  though  I may  not  hear  one  word  said, 
I will  predicate  correctly  the  existing  states  of  the  affections  of  each. 
As  Combativeness  chops  its  words  off  short,  and  leaves  them  rough 
and  ragged  * as  Veneration  prolongs  and  solemnizes,  so  Amativeness 
softens  and  sweetens  the  intonations,  and  renders  them  inexpressibly 
tender  and  touching,  emotional  and  thrilling.  As  the  love  laugh  is 
merry  and  most  ecstatic,  so  the  love  tones  are  most  charming  and 
inviting.  Nor  is  any  speaker  fit  to  address  an  audience  till  his  voice 
has  been  attuned  by  love.  Nor  unless  happy  in  that  love.  In  an  af- 
fectionate mood,  his  voice  becomes  so  soothing  and  melodious  that  it 
wins  its  way  at  once  to  the  hearts  of  his  hearers,  and  thereby  pene- 
trates their  heads.  But  in  disappointment,  it  grates  harshly,  and 
repels  both  head  and  heart.  His  style  and  manner  indicate  hate. 
He  seems  as  if  pounding  his  ideas  into  his  hearers,  whang  bang,  as 
with  a sledge-hammer.  Bat  the  voice  of  those  that  break  down  under 
disappointment  is  most  plaintive  and  woe-begone,  as  if  it  came  from 
nowhere,  and  meant  nothing,  and  the  whole  being  were  crushed.  But 
that  of  those  who  fight  against  this  crushing  influence  is  sharp  and 


AS  AFFECTING  THE  INTONATIONS. 


53 


shrill,  husky,  grating,  startling,  and  full  of  twang  and  bitterness — the 
twang  of  the  scold — -grating  harshly  on  ears  polite. 

An  anecdote  : A gentleman  in  the  cars  one  morning  remarked,  that 
day  had  dawned — a remark  no  way  calculated  to  proclaim  his  disap- 
pointment. But  catching  the  fact  from  his  tones,  I inquired — 

“ Pray,  sir,  will  you  allow  a stranger  to  ask  rather  a strange  ques- 
tion ?77 

“ Oh,  no  harm  in  the  asking,  surely,77  he  politely  replied. 

“ Then,  sir,  have  you  not  recently  been  sadly  disappointed  in  love  ?77 

“Why,  who  told  you,  sir?77  he  answered,  startled  and  surprised, 
“for  here  I am  right  through  on  the  cars  from  the  South,  where, 
teaching,  I formed  a strong  attachment  to  a young  lady  whose  social 
position  precludes  all  possibility  of  our  marriage.  But,  who  did  tell 
you  ? — for  I was  not  aware  that  any  other  live  mortal  knew  it  but 
her  and  myself.77 

“ Your  vocal  intonations  told  me,77  I replied  ) and  proceeded  to  show 
from  his  last  tones,  the  softness  and  sweetness  of  elicited  love,  along 
with  shadings  of  sadness,  which  signified  its  recent  disappointment. 

“ Then  can  not  I learn  to  read  these  love  tones  ?77 

“ To  be  sure,  you  can.77 

“ Then  how:  pray?77 

First  go  back  to  those  halcyon  days  of  your  own  ardent,  tender 
love.  Recall  those  thoughts  that  breathed  and  words  that  burned 
with  love.  Were  they  not  low  and  soft?  And  how  melting  and 
tender  ! You  listened,  spell-bound.  As  love  rises,  the  voice  falls. 
Who  talks  loudly,  does  not  love.  For  the  more  intense  the  love,  the 
lower  its  vocal  utterance.  So  that  poets  use  the  figure  “ whispering,77 
as  expressive  of  the  most  intense  affection.  But  as  this  sentiment 
rises  still  higher,  words  beggar  description,  and  the  voice  falls  so  far 
below  its  full  expression  as  to  cease  altogether,  while  lovers  breath 
out  their  mutual  affections  by  a peculiarity  of  exhalation  better  ob- 
served than  described,  so  utterly  insignificant  is  the  voice  to  express 
the  deepest,  tenderest  emotions  of  love. 

But  the  voice  of  wrell-sexed  woman — the  highest  terrestrial  example 
of  these  love  tones — was  it  not  pitched  on  a key  an  octave  higher  than 
man’s  for  the  very  purpose  of  expressing  this  love  the  better?  Her 
vocal  expression  is  far  more  charming  than  that  of  man,  bcause  she  is 
more  loving  than  he.  And  if  her  affections  were  fully  called  out  and 
perfected  from  the  cradle  onward,  our  whole  air  would  reverberate 
"with  intonations,  in  conversation,  in  song,  infinitely  sweet  and  touch- 
ing, and  far  above  anything  we  now  witness.  Would  that  husbands 
and  fathers  but  understood  this  point,  and  would  develop  this  perfect- 


54 


POWER  OF  THE  LOVE  ELEMENT. 


ing  feature  in  their  wives  and  daughters,  by  rendering  them  perfectly 
happy  in  love.  Let  another  anecdote  both  re-enforce  this  point,  and 
add  another. 

11.  FATHERS  AND  DAUGHTERS  LOVING  EACH  OTHER. 

A couple  of  ladies  calling  on  me  professionally,  I observed  in  one 
of  them  just  one  of  the  very  finest  love  intonations  1 had  ever  listened 
to — and  my  ear  is  quick  to  catch  and  analyze  these  notes.  Finding 
Amativeness  large,  and  all  the  indices  of  sexuality  unusually  appa- 
rent, I described  her  as  passionately  fond  of  her  father,  and,  if  mar- 
ried, of  her  husband,  using  those  very  strong  expressions  I sometimes 
employ.  On  receiving  her  description,  she  remarked  with  peculiar 
emphasis — 

“ In  one  part  of  your  description  you  were  singularly  felicitous — 
my  devotion  to  my  father.  For  I do  not  believe  daughter  ever  lived 
that  loved  father  as  I love  mine.  And  always  have.  Nor  would  any- 
thing have  tempted  me  to  leave  him,  but  that  1 love  my  husband  still 
more.  And  now  my  whole  soul  is  perfectly  wrapped  up  in  devoted 
affection  for  both.” 

This  affection  was  one  cause  of  her  fine  feminine  voice,  and  also 
form,  manners,  everything.  The  love  element  is  born  in  us  and  with 
us,  and  forms  as  integral  a part  of  our  being  as  appetite  or  reason.4 
And  must  therefore  be  exercised  as  much  as  they.  Or  else  starve.  All 
functions  must  either  act  or  die.  Nor  is  anything  as  fatal  to  any  phys- 
ical or  mental  function  as  inertia.  Let  a hand  be  slung  up  for  a year, 
and  how  dwarfed  and  enfeebled  it  becomes  ! All  for  want  of  action. 
Much  more  if  this  inaction  continues  from  the  cradle.  And  perfectly 
illustrated  in  every  unused  limb.  So  the  love  element,  unexercised, 
must  die  out  of  mere  inanition.  Action  is  a law  of  organism,  of  na- 
ture. And  this  love  faculty  being  born  in  us,  and  forming  an  integral 
part  and  parcel  of  us,4  must  either  be  exercised,  or  starve.  And  a prac- 
tical unsexing  ensue. 

And  exercised  toward  the  other  sex.  As  Alimentiveness  can  be 
exercised  only  in  reference  to  food  : Causality,  to  causes  ; Ideality,  to 
beauty ; and  thus  of  all  the  other  faculties,  so  Amativeness  has  its 
express  object.  And  that  object  is  the  opposite  sex.  And  nothing 
else.  Of  course  every  female  in  exercising  it  must  love  some  mascu- 
line. And  all  masculines  some  feminine.  And  what  masculine  can 
a daughter  love  as  appropriately  as  her  father  ? Between  them  there 
is  hardly  a possibility  of  its  -wrong  exercise.  No  matter  how  great 
its  right  exercise.  She  needs  some  one  to  love  all  the  way  along  up 
from  infancy,  through  childhood  and  womanhood,  down  to  her  grave. 


FATHERS  AND  DAUGHTERS. 


65 


Her  father  should  be  her  first  love — should  awaken  and  nurture  this 
love  element  till  old  enough  to  be  transferred  to  a husband.  Nor  will 
any  girl  who  loves  and  is  beloved  by  her  father  elope,  or  form  a 
premature  attachment,  or  indiscreet  marriage.  Give  this  faculty  r? 
food,  and  it  must  either  starve,  or  burst  forth  on  some,  any,  objec 
Likely  the  first  that  ofiers.  And  hence  such  a daughter  is  far  more 
exposed  to  both  temptation,  and  to  runaway  matches,  as  well  as  to 
li  fall  in  love”  far  younger,  than  if  this  element  but  had  a permanent 
resting-place. 

And  is  far  more  likely  to  be  hearty  when  settled.  A girl  who  loves 
her  father,  comes  to  love  the  masculine.  She  looks  up  to  him,  confides 
in  him,  idolizes  him,  considers  him  infallible,  and  hence  comes  to 
place  the  highest  estimate  on  the  male  sex.  And  is  therefore  prepared 
to  become  thoroughly  enamored,  and  completely  devoted  to  husband. 
And  this  is  a right  exercise  of  the  sexuality,  which  always,  and  in 
the  very  nature  of  things,  improves. 

We  talk  about  mental  discipline — the  necessity  of  disciplining  the 
intellect  and  memory,  etc.,  while  young.  All  right.  But  pray,  does 
not  the  love  element  need  discipline  as  much  as  Causality?  And  as 
the  mind  would  become  dull,  memory  blunt,  and  intellect  obtuse,  by 
their  inert,  undisciplined  state  during  growth,  why  not  the  sexuality 
equally  ? As  studying  strengthens,  improves  the  mind,  so  loving 
strengthens,  improves  this  love  element.  And  fits  it  for  a higher 
grade  of  matrimonial  action  throughout  life.5  Whereas  its  dormancy 
during  girlhood  induces  still  greater  sluggishness  through  life.  And 
this  renders  her  a poor  wife.5  The  mistake  is  great,  is  even  fatal — * 
that  this  element  must  remain  dormant  till  elicited  by  marriage. 
Could  the  body  allow  the  heart  to  lie  inert  till  twenty,  or  endure  a 
like  inertia  of  lungs  or  muscles  ? Is  not  action  necessary  to  their 
strength  ? And  that  of  each  necessary  to  that  of  all  ? And  does  not 
this  law  apply  equally  to  mind?  It  does.  Leave  Causality,  Lan- 
guage, Conscience,  unexercised  up  to  twenty,  and  how  much  think 
you  they  would  evince  after  ? And  does  not  this  law  apply  equally 
to  all  the  mental  faculties  ? And,  of  course,  to  Amativeness  ? If 
not,  why  not?  It  does.  Nor  is  any  error  in  society  greater  than  its 
attempted  suppression  in  our  girls.  For  it  leaves  them  barren  of  this 
element — barren  in  the  sexuality,  and  all  the  human  virtues  love  en- 
hances, all  the  powers  it  wields  over  human  life.  3 4 5 — Section  II. 
And  this  accounts  in  a great  degree  for  our  having  so  many  poor 
wives,  and  homely  women.  What  but  masculine  character  gives  mas- 
culine form  ? And  what  but  feminine  soul  occasions  feminine  con- 
figuration?4 And  loving  the  opposite  sex  develops  the  figure  peculiar 


56 


POWER  OF  THE  LOVE  ELEMENT. 


to  each  sex.4  The  more  a man  exercises  the  masculine  qualities,  the 
more  they  mold  and  fashion  him  after  the  manly  model.  The  mental 
obviously  controls  the  physical,  not  the  physical  the  mental — the 
sexuality  included.  Hence,  in  proportion  as  a female  is  well  sexed, 
will  she  be  beautiful  as  a female.  Nothing  but  her  sex  confers  this 
beauty.  And  so  of  mind.  Of  course,  if  a girl  grows  up  in  a hearty 
exercise  of  this  sentiment,  she  becomes  the  more  beautiful,  because 
the  more  a woman.  Stifle,  starve  this  faculty  by  denying  it  its  food, 
and  you  spoil  the  figure.  But  feeding  this  sentiment  by  its  proper 
exercise,  develops  both  it,  and  its  corroborating  signs,  shape  included, 
as  well  as  the  mental  characteristics  of  the  feminine.  Or  thus  : 
Womanly  character  gives  womanly  form.  This  character,  and  there- 
fore form,  are  increased  by  exercise.  On  what  can  it  be  exercised  but 
in  loving  some  masculine  ? In  what  else  does  it  consist  ? Of  course, 
the  more  it  loves  properly,  the  more  it  grows.  And  evinces  this 
growth  in  feminine  figure.  The  woman  above  described  was  a beau 
ideal  of  her  sex  in  manners,  vocality,  form,  and  spirit.  How  came  she 
thus?  Doubtless  well  sexed  by  hereditary  endowment — a most  im- 
portant prerequisite — she  had  added  thereto  by  having  loved  her  father 
all  the  way  along  up  from  girlhood  to  womanhood.  And  with  pas- 
sionate, doting  fondness.  Between  the  two  the  most  perfect  affection 
had  existed  uninterruptedly  from  the  cradle.  Loving  him  thus  enthu- 
siastically had  developed  her  womanly  sentiment.  And  this  her 
physical  form,  and  female  charms.  Nor  can  any  girl  grow  up  to 
beauty  or  loveliness  without  loving,  and  being  beloved.  Please, 
reader,  duly  consider  the  principle  which  underlies  this  doctrine, 
namely,  that  all  masculine  and  feminine  forms,  and  bodily  and  mental 
qualities,  grow  out  of,  are  consequent  on.  consist  in,  this  sexuality. 
That  this  element  is  born  in,  and  forms  an  integral  part  of,  every  living 
soul.4  That  it  strong  or  weak,  all  these  qualities — manners,  voice, 
form,  etc. — are  correspondingly  strong  or  weak.  That  increasing  this 
element  by  exercise,  increases  all.  That  therefore  every  boy,  in  order 
to  become  a man,  must  have  this  faculty  fed  by  its  appropriate  aliment 
all  the  way  along  up  from  boyhood  to  manhood — the  grave.  And 
thus  of  every  girl.  And  that  aliment  is  the  other  sex.  And  her  father 
its  best  object.  Her  love  for  him  is  naturally  pure  and  deep,  inex- 
pressibly so.  And  its  exercise  adorns  her.  And  infinitely  the  most 
beautiful  ornaments  in  which  it  is  given  to  her  to  array  herself,  are 
these  wreaths  of  love.  And  the  jewels  of  atfection  shine  how  far 
more  beautifully  than  burnished  gold  ! How  her  eyes  glow  and 
sparkle,  more  brilliantly  than  diamonds,  when  lit  up  by  affection  ! 
And  how  incongruous  to  attempt  to  array  girls  in  gaudy  or  costly  silks 


FATHERS  AND  DAUGHTERS. 


57 


or  embroidery,  as  a means  of  rendering  them  taking,  attractive,  and  yet 
at  the  same  time  deform  them,  by  choking  out  their  womanly  affec- 
tions. Less  ribbons  and  more  love  would  render  them  inexpressibly 
the  more  captivating  and  lovely.  And  cost  far  less.  But  be  far  better. 
Would  that  all  fathers  but  adorned  their  daughters  far  more  with 
love,  and  far  less  with  dry-goods  ! 

Once  more.  And  almost  appalling.  Nearly  all  girls  show  more 
and  more  of  these  feminine  charms,  grow  more  and  more  beautiful, 
all  along  up  to  “ sweet  sixteen57  or  nineteen  * when  they  begin  to  fail, 
fade  in  color  and  expression,  lose  their  beauty  of  form,  and  especially 
winning  motion  and  grace,  and  settle  back  into  a sort  of  neuter 
gender  state.  They  may  indeed  have  enough  femininity  remaining 
to  gain  the  love  of  a future  companion,  but  not  sufficient  to  retain 
it.  Minor  things,  which  would  not  shake  their  love  if  it  were 
hearty,  now  come  in  to  breed  alienations.  When  this  element  is 
weak  it  is  easily  alienated.  Not  so  when  strong.5  Hence  its  exercise 
during  girlhood  renders  them  every  way  better  wives,  and  promotes 
subsequent  conjugal  affection,  besides  forestalling  those  discords  for 
which  not  loving  their  father  now  paves  the  way.  1 pity  our  girls. 
Kept  at  arm’s-length  from  their  father,  shut  up  within  heated  boarding- 
school  walls,  denied  masculine  society  and  correspondence,  unless 
supervised,  their  sexuality  weakened  by  inertia,  and  their  constitu- 
tions also  impaired  by  fashionable  usages,  they  become  almost  things. 
This  feminine  withering  between  sixteen  and  twenty  is  really  appall- 
ing ! And  should  be  arrested,  by  ascertaining  and  obviating  its 
causes . I have  pointed  out  its  chief  cause — the  starvation  of  the  love 
element.  And  point  out  the  remedy — its  proper  exercise  in  and  by 
right  attachment  between  father  and  daughter.  Fathers,  are  you 
ever  severe  toward  your  daughters?  Never  allow  another  sharp 
word  to  pass  from  your  henceforth  hallowed  lips  to  their  sensitive  ears. 
Let  only  tones,  looks,  and  actions,  as  well  as  words  of  affection , be 
interchanged  between  you.  Say  to  yourself  : u I have  scolded  my 
daughters  for  the  last  time.  God  seal  my  lips  if  I ever  utter  another 
rebuke  ! Would  to  God  I never  had  rebuked,  chastised  !;?  And  sur- 
prising indeed,  as  most  delightful,  will  be  the  change  wrought  by  this 
change  of  tactics.  Be  it  that  they  have  faults,  however  many  or 
great.  Blaming  them  only  and  always  necessarily  hardens,  aggra- 
vates, and  renders  worse.  Never  better.  This  is  not  the  way  to 
obviate  their  faults.  But  once  try  this  love  experiment.  Just  o ce 
enkindle  within  your  own  soul  that  doting  fondness  wiih  which  every 
father  should  regard  his  daughters  as  they  grow  along  up  from  child- 
hood, and  especially  blossom  out  into  womanhood,  and  you  will 

3* 


58 


POWER  OF  THE  LOVE  ELEMENT. 


il  bless  the  Lord,J  for  this  book.  So  will  your  daughters.  In  durance 
vile,  under  orders,  restive,  with  none  to  sympathize  in  their  joys  and 
sorrows,  unloving,  unloved,  they  grow  up  comparatively  awkward, 
ungenteel,  uninteresting,  perhaps  repulsive,  because  unsexed,  instead 
of  charming.  And  peevish,  instead  of  lively.  And  unloving,  because 
unloved.  And  comparatively  neuter  gender,  instead  of  well-sexed 
women.  Revolutionize  your  manners  toward  them.  As  soon  as  tall 
enough  to  reach  your  arm,  gallant  them  wherever  they  wish  to  go. 
And  do  it  up  in  real  genteel  masculine  style.  So  tenderly,  con- 
siderately, lovingly  ! And  how  their  bright  eyes  will  glisten  ! And 
warm  hearts  glow  ! And  light  steps  lighten  ! And  bounding  pulse 
rebound  ! And  enraptured  souls  literally  leap  for  joy,  by  virtue  of 
that  vivifying  power  wielded  by  active  love  ! Sec.  II.  Reciprocate 
the  affectionate  kiss  when  they  or  you  retire  or  rise,  go  out  or  come 
in — from  the  cradle  all  the  way  up  to  marriage.  After  marriage, 
even.  Think  you  this  freedom  improper  ? Then,  you  are  improper. 
In  nothing  else  consists  its  impropriety.  If  you  think  it  improper,  it 
is  so  to  you.  Yet  not  at  all  because  of  any  inherent  impropriety,  but 
solely  because  your  feelings  are  improper. 

We  occasionally  see  a little  girl  so  very  fond  of  father — waiting, 
watchful  at  the  window,  wistful  for  his  return.  How  she  dances 
and  claps  her  hands,  shouts  even,  when  he  appears  in  sight,  exclaim- 
ing, u Oh,  there  comes  my  pa  V7  She  springs  to  the  door.  It  bursts 
open  as  by  magic  ! She  bounds  to  the  gate.  It  flies  back  at  the 
first  quick  touch.  Up  go  her  clasping  hands.  Arms  outstretched. 
Face  all  in  a glow.  Eyes  on  fire.  Burning  kisses  on  her  warm  lips. 
He  tosses  her  into  his  arms.  Convulsively  she  clasps  his  willing 
neck.  And  kiss  follows  kiss  in  quick,  sharp  succession — so  loud,  so 
hearty,  so  free.  Impurity  there  ? Then  are  angels  impure.  He  doffs 
his  sedate  business  dignity,  plays  as  child  with  child,  as  boy  with 
girl,  till  he,  well  exhausted,  she  tired.  They  sit.  She  clambers  on 
his  lap,  pats  his  cheek — real  love-pats,  too.  Runs  her  fingers  through 
his  hair.  Real  love-touches  these.  Twists  his  vhiskers,  hair,  into 
scores  of  fantastic  forms.  Look  at  the  two  as  lovers,  besides  as  parent 
and  child,  and  you  will  see  our  meaning  lived  out.  Would  to  God 
every  father  and  daughter  lived  thus  ! How  relaxing  and  healthful 
to  him  ! And  how  much  more  business  he  can  transact  in  conse- 
quence ! How  developing  to  her  ! For  every  exercise  of  love  to 
u her  pa‘?  develops  the  woman  in  her.  Paints  her  rosy  cheek  in  more 
than  rosy  redness.  Animates  her  muscles,  and  improves  them.  Pro- 
motes digestion,  sleep — and  she  can  sleep  well  only  with  her  arms 
round  his  neck.  Bedecks  her  with  the  natural  language  of  love,  that 


FATHERS  AND  DAUGHTERS. 


59 


is,  with  womanliness — both  one.  And  perfects  her  female  form. 
Beautifies  her  neck  and  arms.  Expands  her  chest.  In  short,  ripens 
her  gradually  but  surely  into  perfect  womanhood.  Nor  can  she  be 
ripened  except  by  loving  some  masculine.  Nor  love  any  as  well,  as 
properly,  as  him.  It  is  as  necessary  to  womanly  development  as  food 
to  muscular,  as  study  to  intellectual — a sine  qua  non. 

And  shall  these  reciprocities  diminish  as  she  approaches,  enters 
womanhood  ? Shall  they  not  increase , rather  ? If  not,  why  not  ? 
As  she  becomes  the  more  attractive,  why  not  also  he  the  more  admir- 
ing, doting?  This  sentiment  is  natural.  Right.  God-ordained. 
Then  why  not  mutually  express  this  true  human  instinct  ? It  was 
not  created  to  u waste  its  sweetness  on  the  desert  air,5J  but  to  be 
manifested  between  each  other. 

Instead,  how  many  fathers  draw  the  curb  bit  on  the  tender  mouths 
of  their  daughters,  and  check,  spoil  all  youthful  exuberance  ! Long- 
faced and  stern  when  they  come  in.  Fault-finding  all  the  time  they 
are  in.  Every  word  harsh  and  grating.  Every  sentence  an  an  g w 
chide.  Positive,  authoritative,  imperative  edicts  and  continual  blam 
make  up  their  sum  total  of  intercourse  with  each  other.  They  rejoice 
at  his  exit.  They  dread  his  return.  Their  only  peace  in  his  absence  ! 
Poor,  wretched  girls  ! Almost  better  without  a father  ! The  cold 
charities  of  a heartless  world  and  fierce  struggles  for  self-support, 
were  preferable  ! Their  whole  after-life  so  soured,  so  deadened,  by 
this  mode  of  family  government.  Poor  wives  at  best.  Their  hus- 
bands unhappy,  of  course.  Their  uncultivated,  and  therefore  weak, 
affections  fasten  but  lightly,  tamely,  so  that  little  things  now  alienate. 
And  their  life  worse  than  a blank.  Whereas,  had  he  enlisted  this 
love  element,  it  would  have  fastened  so  much  more  heartily  as  to 
have  precluded  alienation.5  And  every  girl  proclaims,  always  and 
everywhere,  by  her  awkward  or  graceful  manners,  her  inviting  or 
repelling  style,  her  gentility,  or  the  want  of  it,  whether  thus  brought 
up  to  love  father  or  not. 

Years  ago,  examining  a really  superior  female  head,  very  high  and 
long  on  top,  as  well  as  large  at  Ideality,  and  describing  her  accord- 
ingly, she  replied  : 

u I am  conscious  of  possessing,  by  nature , all  the  excellences  you 
ascribe  to  me.  But  why  do  not  gentlemen  discern  them,  and  take  to 
me?  They  do  not.  Instead,  they  soon  tire  in  conversation,  and 
neglect  me  for  other  ladies.  Of  beaux  I have  next  to  none.  Nor  any 
long.  Other  ladies,  far  less  talented  and  educated  than  I,  and  with 
features  far  less  classical  than  mine,  awaken  a real  enthusiasm  in 
gentlemen,  whereas  I seem  to  chill  them.  And  often  unconsciously 


60 


POWER  OF  THE  LOVE  ELEMENT. 


to  disgust.  And  sometimes  even  to  offend.  But  can  not  help  it.  I 
like  gentlemen’s  society,  and  should  like  to  marry.  Why  do  I always 
unwittingly  repel,  hut  never  attract  ? And  fail  most  when  I try 
hardest  ?” 

u You  were  brought  up,  madam,  at  arm’s-length  from  your  father, 
and  deprived  of  the  society  of  gentlemen.  Your  love  sentiment  has 
thus  become,  from  pure  starvation,  quite  like  a dyspeptic’s  stomach — 
craving,  yet  qualmish.  It  both  sickens  of,  and  is  sickened  by,  wrhat 
it  hankers  after.  Sour  itself,  it  turns  its  natural  aliment  into  a sour 
state.  You  resemble  a hungry  child,  fretful  because  hungry,  yet,  on 
sitting  down  to  the  table,  finds  fault  with  its  food,  not  because  not 
good  enough,  but  because  of  its  sickening  mood.” 

u Then — and  this  is  the  most  important — must  I always  remain 
thus  ? Is  there  any  remedy  ?” 

11  There  is.  It  was  induced  by  the  starved,  and  thereby  inverted,  state 
of  the  love  element.  And  can  be  obviated  by  its  proper  exercise, 
just  as  the  daintiness  of  the  hungry  child  by  eating.  Your  mode  of 
approaching  gentlemen,  and  your  forlorn,  w’oe-begone,  sorrowful  cast 
of  manners  to  them,  partly  reproves  them  for  not  paying  you  more 
attention,  and  partly  implies,  and  confesses  practically,  that  you  are 
not  worthy  of  it  • wrhile  you  wither  and  pine  under  the  hungerings 
of  one  of  the  human  elements.” 
l:  Then  what  shall  I do  ?” 

u Sweeten  up.  Make  love  to  your  father.  Turn  coquette.  Espe- 
cially as  there  is  little  danger  of  your  breaking  any  hearts.” 

12.  MOTHERS  LOVING  THEIR  SONS,  AND  SONS  MOTHERS. 

And  apply  not  these  principles  equally  between  mother  and  son  ? 
Matrons,  read  over  all  thus  far  said  about  fathers  and  daughters, 
changing  mother  for  father,  and  son  for  daughter,  and  you  both  have 
the  principles  involved,  and  are  told  how  to  comport  yourselves 
toward  your  sons.  This  love  element  is  born  as  much  in  sons  as 
daughters.4  And  requires  exercise  as  much.11  And  exercise  towTard 
the  female  sex.  And  on  what  female  as  appropriately  as  his  mother  ? 
Her  love  to  him  is  naturally  pure  and  deep.  Inexpressibly  so.  What 
true  mother  can  depict  the  intensity  of  her  love  for  her  son  ? And 
his  being  loved  by  a female  naturally  calls  out  his  love  in  response. 
And  this  enhances  his  manliness  of  body,  of  mind.  Nor  can  any  boy 
become  a fully  developed  man  wfithout  love  for  his  morher,  or  some 
female  who  fills  her  place.  It  is  a first  ordinance  of  nature  that  both 
mother  and  sons  should  love  each  other.  And  beneficial  to  both.  Say, 
ye  mature  matrons,  blessed  with  sons  of  different  ages  growing  up  to 


MOTHERS  AND  SONS. 


61 


manhood,  how  feel  ye  toward  them  ? Do  ye  not  exult  in  view  of  their 
developing  manliness  ? Feel  ye  no  love  analogous  to  that  you  once 
felt  toward  their  father,  if  you  loved  him  truly,  rising  up  and  swelling 
within  your  maternal  bosom  ? Besides  loving  them  as  your  children, 
do  ye  not  also  love  them  as  masculines  ? And  with  a cast  of  love 
very  different  from  the  love  felt  toward  your  daughters  ? Young 
men,  old  men,  feel  ye  no  sentiment  of  love  toward  your  mother  as  a 
woman  ? And  very  different  from  that  felt  toward  your  father  ? 
Most  powerful,  even  magical,  the  influence  wielded  by  mothers,  dead 
or  alive,  over  sons.  The  religious  world  properly  acknowledges, 
describes  this  maternal  influence.  Yet,  understand  they  its  base, 
namely,  that  he  is  a male  and  she  a female , and  that  they  love  each 
other  as  such?  Various  conditions  prevent  its  taking  on  a wrong  form 
in  either.  It  assumes  that  highly  elevated  tone  which  should  actuate 
all  males  and  females  toward  each  other,  and  especially  husbands 
and  wives.  But  it  has  the  sexuality,  and  of  course  Amativeness,  for 
its  base,  as  much  as  reason  Causality.  Else,  only  the  same  feeling 
could  exist  between  mother  and  sons  as  between  mother  and  daughters, 
namely,  merely  parental.  Whereas  not  only  does  this  parental 
feeling  exist,  but  another  is  superadded — that  of  the  male  and  female 
toward  each  other ) both  feeling  towrard  each  a cast  of  emotion 
which  can  exist  only  between  those  of  opposite  sexes.  Say,  ye 
mothers  who  love  your  sons,  have  I struck  a chord  which  vibrates 
throughout  your  own  souls?  And  away  down  deeper  than  all 
others  ? Would  to  God  it  were  deeper  yet  ! Nature  implanted  it. 
It  is  pure  as  the  love  of  angels.  It  is  an  indispensable  food  of  the 
human  soul.  No  son  without  it  can  possibly  become  as  complete  a 
man  as  with  it.  He  who  has  it,  besides  growing  up  the  more  manly 
in  spirit  and  form,  is  thereby  spell-bound  from  evil  and  to  good. 
Especially  if  his  mother  is  a good  woman.  She  magnetizes  him. 
Her  spirit  infuses  itself  through  his,  and  sanctifies  and  controls  it. 
Especially  when  he  would  do  evil,  her  good  spirit  is  ever  present  with 
him.  Be  he  tossing  on  the  briny  deep,  or  cast  on  savage  shores  ; 
be  he  even  in  Californian  gambling-hells — the  very  most  damnable 
pests  on  earth — be  he  exposed  to  temptations  however  enticing,  the 
ever-present  spirit  of  his  mother — the  more  so  if  she  is  sainted, 
whispers  to  his  heart,  " No,  my  loved  son/7  and  he  refrains.  And 
whoever  yields  himself  to  vice  in  any  of  its  forms  did  not  rightly 
love  his  mother  when  growing  up.  If  mothers  but  wielded  all  the 
powers  vested  in  them  by  this  mother-and-son  sentiment,  not  a youth 
would  stray  from  the  paths  of  virtue  anywiiere,  or  at  any  time.  Nor  a 
middle-aged  man  give  himself  up  to  iniquity.  Nor  a hoary-headed 


62 


POWER  OF  THE  LOVE  ELEMENT. 


reprobate  disgrace  humanity.  It  is  for  woman , by  virtue  of  this  love 
element,  to  win  all  masculine  hearts  to  virtue  and  purity.  The 
mother  her  boy  and  grown-up  son,  till  he  is  old  enough  to  trans- 
fer his  love  to  wife,  actual  or  prospective,  who  then  becomes  his 
guardian  angel.  Transfer,  did  I say  ? Never.  If  he  had  loved  u seven 
wives, could  he  not  love  mother  also  ? And  the  more  wife  because 
mother.  And  mother  because  wife.  For  loving  her  only  develops  this 
love  element,  so  that  he  appreciates — the  first  stepping-stone  of  love — 
the  female  character.  And  loves  wife  the  better  for  loving  mother. 

Hence,  show  me  the  son  who  loves  or  provides  for  mother,  and  I 
will  show  you  the  husband  who  loves  and  provides  for  wife  and 
children.  This  sign  is  infallible.  It  has  its  cause,  namely,  loving 
mother  develops  that  sexuality  from  which  love  of  wife  emanates.6 
Such  a man  can  and  will  live  peaceably  with  almost  any  wife,  how- 
ever poor  or  cross-grained.  Whereas,  if  he  has  not  loved  his  mother, 
he  will  not  have  had  his  love  sentiment,  appetite,  relish , for  female 
characteristics  developed,  and  be  liable  to  make  a poor  husband.  He 
will,  too,  grow  up  uncouth,  distant,  old-bachelorish,  cold-hearted. 
And  his  love  element  vulgarized , sensualized.  Not  so  he  who  loves 
his  mother.  In  him  it  will  be  pure,  because  directed  toward  the 
female  mentality . And  this  will  restrain  him  from  both  sensuality, 
and  all  other  forms  of  vice,  by  planting  at  the  very  rootlets  of  his 
being,  and  developing  along  pari  passu  with  it,  the  sentiment  of  love 
in  purity.  The  power  mothers  can  thus  wield  over  their  sons  is 
boundless,  is  absolute.  And  lasts  till  that  of  the  wife  is  superadded 
to  that  of  the  mother.  And  both  combined  can  be  wielded  so  effec- 
tually as  to  resist,  in  any  and  every  man,  any  and  all  forms  of  vice  and 
grossness — drinking,  swearing,  gambling,  licentiousness  in  all  its 
forms,  personal  as  well  as  conjugal — smoking  and  chewing  included. 
And  restrain,  by  putting  them  on  a plane  too  pure,  too  high  to  de- 
scend to  either  vices  or  improprieties.  That  some  mothers  wield  all 
this  power,  is  a matter  of  experiment  and  observation.  Then,  could 
not  all  ? And  as  those  who  wield  even  the  most  of  it  hardly  begin  to 
wield  a tithe  as  much  as  this  element  is  capable  of:  all  mothers 
could  wield  more  than  any  mothers  now  do.  As  a moral  power,  but 
a mere  moiety  of  the  amount  possible  to  be  wielded  is  actually 
exerted.  If  mothers  but  felt  all  the  love  for  their  sons  of  which 
their  own  souls  are  capable— and  it  is  inexpressibly  great — and  then  so 
manifested  it  as  to  take  hold  of  and  rouse  this  love  sentiment  in  their 
sons,  they  could  thereby  sanctify  every  boy,  yonth,  man,  to  virtue, 
purity,  truth.  And  these  virtues  would  grow  with  their  growth,  so 
that  all  men  would  become  good. 


MOTHERS  AND  SONS. 


G3 


Come,  mothers,  sons,  consider,  answer — am  I overdrawing  the 
power  of  this  element,  provided  all  its  natural  power  were  exercised  ? 
Is  it  not  absolute,  boundless  ? 

But  our  mothers  come  infinitely  short  of  this  exalted  standard. 
Let  our  fast  American  youth  attest  how  far.  We  will  not  soil  these 
pages  by  depicting  the  grossness,  sensualities,  and  desperate  wicked- 
ness of  too  many  11  Young  Americas,”  especially  in  our  cities.  And 
how  very  fast  a boy  this  u Young  America”  is  ! How  many  maternal 
hearts,  blind  to  half  their  faults,  and  most  of  the  others  half  con- 
cealed, yet  sigh  and  break  over  even  the  moiety  they  do  see  ! And 
how  many  others,  treated  contemptuously,  called  u old  'women,”  or 
names  much  worse,  humbled,  heart-broken,  ashamed  to  own  their 
own  sons,  are  eking  out  a miserable  existence,  pining  over  their  lost, 
ruined  sons,  and  glad  to  follow  them  to  their  graves  ! 

Yet  deserved  all.  Such  punishment — no  punishment — is  meted 
out,  except  when,  and  to  whom , deserved.  For  nature  is  infinitely 
just.  Yet  infinitely  retributory.  Who  sins  shall  suffer.  And  suffer 
in  the  direct  line  of  the  sin.2  She  •who  suffers  in  and  on  account  of 
a son,  does  so  only  because  she  has  sinned  in  and  by  that  son.  The 
sufferer  is  always  the  sinner.  And  sinner  sufferer.  Nature  is  not  so 
unjust  as  to  call  those  to  suffer  who  have  not  sinned.  Nor  in  any 
other  form  than  that  consequent  on  the  sin.  This  truth  is  universal — 
is  but  a self-evident  inference  from  nature’s  laws  of  cause  and  effect.2 

“ But,  what  have  I done,  or  left  undone,  that  this  my  son  thus 
crushes  his  poor  mother’s  heart  ?” 

You  have  not  duly  loved  him. 

u But  indeed  I have.  How  I watched  round  his  sick  bed  ! How 
fervently  I prayed  for  and  with  him  by  night,  and  chided  him  by  day  ! 
How  I punished  him  !” 

Ah  ! there  it  is.  You  “ chided,”  and  this  alienated  him,  and  broke 
the  maternal  spell.  You  “ punished,”  and  this  embittered.  His 
proud  spirit  revolted  from  the  disgrace  of  chastisement.  This  steeled 
him  against  you  and  your  prayers.  He  pants  for  the  time  to  come 
'when  he  can  break  away,  a,t  one  tear,  and  rid  himself  forever  of  your 
eternal  checking,  chiding,  whipping.  No  mother  who  ever  chides,  or 
scolds,  or  chastises  a son,  can  ever  expect  to  gain  or  retain  his  love. 
Blame  is  a fatal  antidote  to  love.20  No  mother  ought  ever  to  breathe 
one  word  of  censure  or  even  blame  to  her  son. 

Nor  any  male  to  female.  Nor  female  to  male.  This  is  not  the 
way,  the  means,  by  which  the  sexes  should  influence  each  other. 
That  way  is  by  love  only.  Pure,  simple,  gushing  love.  This  alone 
begets  love  in  return.  And  this  love  gives  you  that  power  you 


64 


POWER  OF  TI1E  LOVE  ELEMENT. 


desire,  require.  And  all  chiding  weakens  it.  Reproof  is  a fatal 
error  of  mothers.  They  love,  yet  chide.  Often  chastising.  Indeed, 
chide,  chastise  because  they  love.  Yet  it  hardens  and  snaps  asunder 
those  silken  cords  of  affection  by  which  alone  it  is  given  to  the  female 
to  influence  the  male.  He  hates  in  place  of  loving.  And  rebels 
because  he  hates. 

u Then,  what  shall  I do  ?77 

Love  him  from  the  cradle.  And  naught  but  love.  And  he  will  grow 
up  in  love  with  and  for  you.  And  this  will  render  your  power  over 
him  complete,  ubiquitous,  eternal.  Every  mother,  at  the  birth  of 
every  son,  should  literally  exult  as  did  Eve:  “ Behold,  I have  gotten 
me  a man-child  from  the  Lord/7  Her  full  soul  should  overflow  with 
love  every  time  she  thinks  of  her  boy  babe.  Every  time  she  looks 
into  his  innocent  face.  Every  time  he  draws  life  material  from  her 
lacteal  fountains.  Every  time  she  bestows  on  him  even  the  least 
care,  kindness.  Holy,  angelic,  should  he  be  in  her  eyes.  Soft  should 
be  her  every  touch,  and  winning  every  accent.  And  if  she  feels  thus, 
he  will  draw  from  her  along  with  his  nutrition  a spiritual  lactation  and 
a magnetic  current  which  will  bind  him  indissolubly  to  her  with 
bonds  which  only  maternal*  unkindness  can  sever.  And  as,  day  by 
day,  he  grows  up  more  and  more  a little  man,  she  should  exult  more 
and  more.  Love  more  and  more.  Hold  him  in  her  lap,  and  fold  him 
to  her  heaving  bosom  till  he  becomes  a great,  strapping  boy.  Should 
often  run  her  fond  fingers  through  his  willing  locks.  Should  smooth 
his  hair,  not  pull  it.  Should  pat  his  cheek,  not  box  his  ears.  Should 
say  soft  and  loving  things,  not  reproach,  much  less  scold.  Should 
wait  on  him  at  table,  so  tenderly  : “ My  son,  dear,  to  what  can  your 
mother  help  you  ? Oh  ! here  is  a dainty  bit  of  what  I know  you 
love.  Let  me  give  it  you.77  Should  cook  what  she  knows  he  likes. 
Should  pamper  his  appetite.*  And  pursue  the  indulgent  course,  from 
the  cradle  upward. 

u But  this  is  in  direct  collision  with  my  ideas  of  education  and 
government.  I thought  children  should  b e,  restrained,  not  indulged; 
made  to  mind , not  encouraged  to  rule,  especially  mothers ,77 

We  will  not  here  discuss  this  question.  It  will  take  us  from  our 
direct  subject — how  a mother  should  treat  her  sons.  Our  third  Book 
will  treat  thoroughly  the  true  mode  of  governing  children.  And  on 
first  principles.  This  mother-and-son  and  father-and-daughter  doc- 

* This  might  seem  to  clash  with  dietetic  rules  and  restraining  Alimentiveness  ; but  it 
does  not.  If  appetite  is  unperverted— and  it  will  be  if  she  feeds  them  right — it  will 
love  best  that  which  is  best.  But,  if  perverted,  this  pampering  involves  the  true  mode 
of  cure.  See  Book  III.,  the  Section  on  the  Feeding  of  Children. 


MOTHERS  AND  SONS. 


65 


trine  strengthening  that,  and  that  this.  Meanwhile,  I appeal  to  the 
innermost  recesses  of  your  being  if  it  is  not  the  true  maternal  senti- 
ment and  treatment.  I appeal  whether  the  feelings  between  mothers 
and  sons  should  not  be  on  a plane  infinitely  above  chastisement,  or 
even  chiding.  Affection  and  chastisement  are  incompatible  with,  and 
fatal  to,  each  other.  Natural  antagonisms.  Only  affection  can  ever 
beget  affection.  And  thus  secure  obedience.  Goodness  can  never 
be  beaten  into,  nor  badness  out  of,  humanity.  They  must  be  molded 
in  and  out.  Not  driven.  Mothers,  just  try  this  pure  love  principle. 

“But  Mrs.  A.  and  B.  have  tried  it  to  perfection.  They  indulged 
their  children  in  every  little  whim,  and  thereby  spoiled  them.  In- 
dulgence has  only  made  them  still  more  impudent,  imperious.  They 
order  her  about  as  if  their  lackey.  Facts,  especially  in  high  life, 
refute  your  argument.57 

Mark  this  difference  : A son  desires  to  eat,  do,  hear,  wrhat  is  mani- 
festly injurious.  Let  his  mother  show  him  that , and  why  it  is  in- 
jurious, and  thus  change  his  will , so  that  he  ivonH  want  it.  This  is 
the  mothers  art  of  art,  and  son7s  great  salvation.  By  showing  him 
that  it  will  sicken  or  injure  him,  she  arrays  his  self-love  against 
desire,  and  kills  it.  These  indulgent  mothers  have  loved  and  indulged 
blindly , without  commingling  intellect,  justice,  or  firmness  with  love. 
Such  indulgence  curses  both. 

“ My  son,  this,  that  will  injure  you;  because  of  this,  that.  Your 
mother  loves  you  dearly — too  well  to  hurt  you,  or  let  you  hurt 
yourself,77  is  the  true  governmental  spirit. 

When  son  duly  loves  mother,  he  does  all  she  wishes.  She  becomes 
his  light,  his  gospel.  She  is  infallible.  “ She  always  knows  and  does 
just  right P Love  gushes  in  his  confiding  eyes.  He  obeys  from  love 
mingled  with  confidence  “ Mother  knows,  of  course  she  does.  What 
she  says  must  be  so.77  This  feeling  established,  and  it  is  easy  to 
establish  yourself  perfectly  in  his  confidence,  and  never  one  occasion 
for  chiding,  or  even  authority,  will  ever  arise.  Few  mothers  know  how, 
or  even  try,  to  establish  themselves  thus  in  their  sons7  confidence.  Yet 
this  is  the  very  art  of  all  arts  in  governing  children — especially  sons 
by  mother.  This  is  the  alpha  and  omega — the  middle  and  both  ends 
— the  body  and  soul  of  all  parental  management  of  children — espe- 
cially of  mothers  and  sons,  of  fathers  and  daughters.  This  alone  is 
what  restrains  tempted  youth,  as  shown  above.  Yet  how  few  mothers 
ever  try  it  ! First,  because  their  nerves  are  disordered,  or  their  love 
toward  husband  reversed,  or  a thousand  other  causes,  they  chide  their 
innocent  sons  for  things  perfectly  innocent,  perfectly  right,  thereby 
hardening  and  alienating  them.  Compelled  thus  to  see  that  mother 


66 


POWER  OF  THE  LOVE  ELEMENT. 


is  wrong,  they  thereby  become  hardened  and  alienated.  And  now  all 
power  over  them  is  lost.  The  rampant  horse  on  the  run,  but  the 
Lines  broken  ! Only  love  him  as  you  once  loved — should  have 
loved — his  father,  and  draw  out  his  love  on  you.  As  a sweetheart 
mother  wait  on  him.  Tell  him  how  to  wait  on  you  as  your  beau. 
Elicit  his  affections  as  the  true  female  will  involuntarily  know  how 
to  awaken  masculine  affection,  and  all  the  molding  power  I have 
ascribed  to  mother,  and  even  far  more,  is  in  your  hands.  Kiss  and 
caress  him  often,  when  he  retires  and  rises,  goes  out  and  comes  in, 
and  receive  his  affectionate  embraces  in  return.  And  allow  him  to 
fondle  you,  and  throw  his  convulsed  arms  around  your  willing  neck. 
In  his  absence  write  real  love-letters  to  him — you  ought  to  know  how 
— and  thereby  draw  forth  long,  loving  epistles  in  response.  In  short, 
follow  your  natural  instincts.  They  are  right.  Or  thus  : 

Mr.  S.  said  to  me  : u Professor,  you  really  must  visit  my  family 
professionally  before  leaving  town.” 

“Sir,  I never  leave  my  office.  Then  people  know  just  where  to  find 
me.” 

“ But  you  can  leave  half  an  hour  before  car  time,  the  day  of  your 
departure.” 

“ I can  and  will  do  that,  sir.” 

While  delineating  his  character,  his  wife,  one  of  her  eleven-year- 
old  sons  coming  in,  patted  the  sofa  coquettishly,  saying,  in  action  : 

“ Come,  my  son,  take  this  seat  by  your  fond  mother.” 

He  gladly  accepted  the  love  proffer,  and  slipped,  bashfully,  yet 
smilingly,  into  the  proffered  seat. 

Presently,  another  nine-year-old  son  coming  in,  she  patted  the  sofa 
on  the  other  side,  winningly  inviting  him  also  to  sit  by  his  mother’s 
side.  He  too  accepted.  Presently,  she  had  thrown  one  arm  around 
one  son,  and  the  other  arm  around  the  other  son,  and  snugged  each 
by  turns  close  to  her,  thus  hugging  them  fondly.  Presently,  one  hand 
had  found  its  way  to  the  golden  locks  of  one  son,  and  the  other  to  the 
curly  ringlets  of  the  other,  running  her  magnetic  fingers  through  their 
silken  hair.  And  now  she  bends  her  warm  lips  down  to  the  one,  then 
* to  the  other,  impressing  the  fond  kiss  of  a mother’s  doting  love  now 
on  this,  then  on  that,  and  in  like  ways  courting  up  the  affections  of 
her  boys  by  freely  expressing  her  own.  These  boys  ever  sin  ? Never. 
Neither  in  this  world,  nor  the  next.  This  mother  impure,  too  free  ? 
Then  are  angels’  loves  impure.  The  holiest  emotions  known  on 
earth  thus  nurtured. 

Of  my  own  sainted  mother  I remember  distinctly  but  two  things — 
laying  my  head  back  in  her  open  lap  while  she  kissed,  caressed,  and 


MOTHERS  AND  SONS. 


67 


fondled  me  * the  other  her  death.  Both  indelible.  And  the  magic 
power  of  that  fondling  remains  with  me  to-day.  It  has  acted  as  a 
spell  all  the  way  along  up  through  life,  growing  with  my  growth, 
and  strengthening  by  time.  Thank  God  for  that  love  play-spell  ! 
Nor  is  there  any  telling  what  it  did  by  way  of  molding  and  restrain- 
ing me.  Even  now  I feel  its  sacred  spell. 

And  sons,  write  every  week  to  your  mother,  as  long  as  she  lives. 
And  if  dead,  consecrate  one  hour  every  week  to  contemplating  her 
sainted  memory,  in  reflecting  on  her  virtues  and  counsels,  and  re- 
resolving to  practice  them.  If  you  have  not  time  week-days,  take 
some  evening  now  devoted  to  other  pleasures  or  affections.  No  meet- 
ing, no  society  will  be  equally  serviceable.  Or  if  you  really  do  not 
consecrate  a particular  hour  of  a particular  day  or  evening,  consecrate 
a given  Sabbath  hour,  say  after  dinner,  before  breakfast  or  tea.  To  a 
holier  work  you  can  never  devote  even  a Sabbath  hour.  And  communi- 
cate freely.  Tell  her  all  about  yourself.  Ask  her  advice.  And  when 
you  feel  that  you  must  have  a wife  as  well  as  mother  to  love,  consult 
her  first.  And  ponder  well  all  the  advice  she  gives  you.  For  her 
experience  will  be  of  inestimable  service.  Nor  shun,  but  court  the 
society  of  lady-like,  matronly  women — as  it  were  aunts.  Talk  with 
them  freely  on  all  subjects.  Elicit  their  counsels,  and  conform  to 
them.  Nor  should  they  be  too  extra  prudish,  nor  their  husbands  too 
jealous,  to  give  these  counsels  or  wield  this  influence. 

But  most  matrons  are  too  squeamish  to  express  what  they  feel. 
Say,  is  to  experience  these  maternal  yearnings  right  ? What 
mother  but  feels  them?  And  those  most  who  are  best,  purest, 
highest. 

It  is  right.  Is  an  eternal  ordinance  of  nature.  Then,  is  it  not 
right  to  express  what  it  is  right  to  feel?  And  express,  not  coyly,  nor 
shamefacedly,  nor  half-suppressed — the  very  suppression  implying 
self-rebuke — but  right  out,  freely,  fully,  frankly,  naturally,  whole- 
heartedly. Imagine  how  the  purest,  highest  order  of  mothers  should 
feel  and  act  toward  their  sons,  and  feel  and  act  accordingly. 

The  plain  fact  is  this:  It  is  sheer  prudery,  squeamishness,  which 
interdicts  the  expression  of  this  maternal  sentiment,  as  if  it  were 
improper.  This  suppresses  the  manifestation  of  maternal  love,  and 
thereby  prevents  the  mother  from  drawing  out  this  masculo-filial 
sentiment  of  her  son.  Hence,  when  old  enough  not  to  fear  her,  he 
is  left  absolutely  unrestrained.  And  at  the  very  time  when  he  needs 
this  restraint  the  most. 

Fathers,  parents,  especially  those  above  forty — and  do  the  old  or 
the  young  know  most,  feel  truest,  respecting  these  things? — are  these 


68 


POWER  OF  THE  LOVE  ELEMENT. 


things  so  ? If  so,  are  they  not  fundamental,  and  most  momentous  ? 
Please  consider,  and  act  accordingly. 

13.  BROTHERS  AND  SISTERS,  BOYS  AND  GIRLS,  AND  YOUNG  PEOPLE. 

These  principles  apply  equally  to  brothers  and  sisters.  Beautiful 
indeed  is  that  hereditary  law  by  which  their  number  is  about  equal 
in  most  families.  A blessing  to  both  parents,  because  it  gives  fathers 
daughters  to  love,  and  mothers  sons.  A blessing  also  to  their  chil- 
dren, because  it  furnishes  brothers  sisters  to  love,  and  sisters  brothers. 
And  they  need  it,  each  for  his,  her,  own  sake.  As  every  adult  re- 
quires to  love  some  female  mate,  every  son  his  mother,  and  daughter 
father,  etc.,  so  every  boy  must  needs  have  some  girl-mate  of  about  his 
own  age.  And  every  girl  her  boy.  And  who  as  proper  as  young 
brother  and  sister?  Eating  together  at  the  same  table,  loving  the 
same  parents,  engaged  in  the  same  sports  and  labors,  sitting  round  the 
same  fireside,  and  naturally  coming  in  constant  contact,  they  thus 
naturally  come  to  love  each  other.  The  more  so,  because  hereditarily 
so  much  alike — both  resembling  the  same  common  parents.  And  that 
brother  who  grows  up  to  love  his  sister  is  sure  to  become  a good  hus- 
band. So  that  sister  who  loves,  cares  for,  her  brother,  will  most 
assuredly  make  a good  wife.  Because  the  love  element  is  strength- 
ened by  use.  And  every  sister  needs  a brother  to  wait  on  her  to 
church,  singing-school,  party,  amusements — to  protect  and  advise,  to 
talk  and  sympathize  with  her.  Every  boy,  too,  needs  a sister,  with 
whom  to  practice  gallantry,  that  he  may  know  how  to  treat  a pro- 
spective wife.  To  be  pitied,  that  girl  who  has  no  brother,  that  boy 
who  has  no  sister.  They  can  never  grow  up  to  be  as  perfect  men  and 
women  without  mingling  with  the  other  sex  of  about  their  own  age, 
as  with.  And  brother  and  sister  are  so  infinitely  better  adapted  to 
companionship  than  others.  If  a boy  grows  up  to  love  a girl  as  he 
may  and  should  his  sister,  he  comes  to  love  too  well  for  this  love  to 
be  interrupted  without  injury.  (Sec.  II.)  Yet  he  may  continue  to  love 
this  sister  always  and  everywhere.  And  to  see  brother  and  sister 
growing  up  in  affectionate  fondness — gentle,  considerate,  each  vying 
in  kindness — what  sight  more  lovely,  more  promising  ! How  could 
he  possibly  become  bad  ? Or  could  she  fall  ? No.  Neither.  A 
sister’s  love,  next  to  his  mother’s,  is  his  salvation.  And  both  united, 
guarantee  his  growing  up  virtuous  and  good. 

And  his  influence  over  sister  is  quite  as  beneficial  and  necessary  to 
her  as  hers  to  him.  Both  indispensable  to  each  other.  Both  guardians 
over  each  other.  Naturally  mutual  beneficiaries. 

Sitting  one  day  at  dinner,  as  the  waiter  was  passing  some  colored 


BOYS,  GIRLS,  AND  YOUNG  PEOPLE. 


69 


confectionery  along  down  the  table  on  a flat  glass  server,  the  eye 
of  a bright,  happy,  rosy-cheeked  boy  of  four  summers,  sitting  on 
my  left,  caught  a glimpse  of  a colored  candy  heart.  I saw  his  bright 
eye  glisten,  his  whole  frame  wrought  up  by  emotion,  till,  rising  in 
his  chair,  with  one  hand  balancing  him  on  the  table,  and  the  other 
raised,  no  sooner  did  the  confectionery  come  within  reach,  than  grasp- 
ing this  colored  heart,  and  holding  it  aloft,  he  exclaimed,  in  exulting 
triumph,  u I am  going  to  carry  this  to  my  little  sister.”  Why,  it 
seemed  as  if  every  drop  of  blood  in  my  veins  leaped  for  joy,  to  see 
this  little  boy  so  true  to  primeval  human  nature.  And  to  so  glowing 
an  extent.  And  I had  observed,  the  day  before,  as  they  were  playing 
together  lovingly  in  the  hall,  a great  Newfoundland  dog  coming  in, 
she  caught  up  her  brother,  being  two  years  older,  and  hurrying  him 
into  the  corner,  stood  crouching  between  him  and  the  dog,  his  protector, 
as  well  as  nurse  and  playmate.  Let  but  this  spirit  obtain  between 
brothers  and  sisters,  and  they  will  grow  up  always  virtuous,  and  per- 
fectly happy  in  wedlock.  Parents,  will  you  not  do  your  utmost  to 
establish  this  true  brotherly  and  sisterly  feeling  and  treatment  be- 
tween your  children  ? 

To  boys  and  girls  in  general  these  same  principles  apply  with 
equal  force.  A boy  brought  up  without  the  society  of  girls  is  so  gruff 
and  coarse,  so  gross  and  rude.  And  girls  brought  up  without  boys  are 
so  unbecoming,  verdant.  Girls  polish  boys.  Boys  beautify  girls.  Let 
them  meet  as  perfect  strangers,  and  how  soon  they  involuntarily  ap- 
proach each  other,  bashfully,  but  wistfully,  smile  pleasantly,  become 
acquainted,  persuaded  at  once  to  play,  and  that  so  prettily,  because 
lovingly — another  phase  of  this  sexuality.  Not  so  boy  with  boys. 
The  latter  fall  out,  the  former  harmonize.  And  how  many,  indeed, 
do  not  all.  boys  prefer  girl-playmates  ? And  girls  boys  ? This  is 
their  nature.  And  it  is  right.  Is  but  the  normal,  proper  manifesta- 
tion of  Amativeness.  And  how  often,  too,  they  talk  of  their  sweet- 
hearts ! And  how  bashfully,  yet  proudly,  they  appear,  when  joked 
about  each  other  ! A six-year-old  boy,  in  Quincy,  Illinois,  when  he 
meets  a right  pretty  girl,  steps  directly  in  front  of  her,  makes  a pleas- 
ant, genteel  bow,  kisses  her,  and  passes  on. 

But  when  boys  and  girls  get  to  be  about  eight  or  ten  years  old, 
they  are  laughed  out  of  this,  the  natural  exercise  of  Amativeness. 
And  this  damming  it  up  in  its  right  flow,  turns  it  into  wrong  chan- 
nels, which  causes  all  sensuality,  personal  and  promiscuous,  the  over- 
flowings of  which  do  irreparable  damage  to  humanity,  carrying 
away  the  very  land-marks  and  flood-gates  of  virtue  and  moral- 
ity ; whereas,  if  allowed  to  flow  on  in  this,  its  normal  channel,  it 


70 


POWER  OF  THE  LOVE  ELEMENT. 


would  irrigate,  purify,  and  bless  every  function  of  humanity  through 
life. 

And  since  they  should  play  together,  should  they  not  also  study 
together?  What  says  this  law  of  mind  and  human  nature  to  boys’ 
schools,  and  colleges  for  young  men  alone,  and  to  female  seminaries  ? 
That  all  are  wrong.  That  the  sexes  should  not  be  separated  in 
education  any  more  than  in  the  family.  The  presence  of  boys  won- 
derfully inspirits  girls  to  study  and  behave  in  their  very  best  style. 
Nor  can  any  other  incentive  supply  its  place.  Away  with  these 
educational  nunneries  ! They  stifle  and  pervert.  And  their  gradu- 
ates— almost  convicts — are  awkward,  rude,  trifling,  unfeminine ) 
twitter  and  snicker  when  they  see  a young  masculine,  as  if  there 
were  something  wrong  in  the  very  fact  of  boys  and  girls.  Incapable 
of  behaving  themselves  properly  to  the  other  sex,  and  anything  but 
ladies.  And  how  proverbially  mischievous,  how  full  of  all  sorts  of 
roguery,  trickery,  and  practical  falsification,  as  well  as  misdemeanors, 
are  girls,  especially  smart  ones,  in  schools  of  girls  ! 

Equally  so  boys  in  a school  of  boys,  and  young  men  at  college. 
And  some  habits,  too,  generally  formed  at  school,  and  by  college  stu- 
dents, are  infinitely  more  deleterious  than  their  studies  are  beneficial. 
And  this  habit  is  propagated  at  these  exclusive  schools  more  than 
elsewhere,  by  virtue  of  the  very  principle  now  under  consideration. 
And  young  males  will  study  so  much  faster,  behave  so  much  better, 
in  the  presence  of  girls,  and  girls  of  boys,  than  either  with  their  own 
sex  alone.  And  the  higher  the  institution  of  learning,  the  more 
should  both  sexes  partake  together  of  its  benefits,  as  the  best  means  of 
improving  its  educational  facilities. 

As  I made  this  point  in  Springfield,  Illinois,  a large-bodied,  large- 
headed, large-minded,  elderly,  eloquent  divine  arose,  and  begging 
pardon  with  a dignified  yet  courteous  bow,  inquired  : 

u Sir,  will  you  not  enforce  these  educational  views  more  at  length 
in  a separate  lecture  ?57 

“ I will,  sir,  cheerfully,  effectually.  You  get  up  an  audience,  I 
will  get  up  the  lecture.  Only  begging  to  enlarge  this  subject,  so  as 
to  embrace  the  general  intercourse  and  relations  of  the  sexes  to  each 
other.  That  is,  I would  simply  enlarge  the  boy-and-girl  view  of  this 
matter  so  as  also  to  include  the  man  and  woman.” 

Ci  I gladly  accept  the  amendment.57 

The  lecture  announced.  The  largest  place  in  town  crowded, 
packed.  A most  enthusiastic  lecture,  for  it  seemed  to  touch  the  con- 
sciences of  all.  After  which,  rising  in  majesty,  and  proceeding  with 
power,  he  said  : 


EDUCATING  THE  SEXES  TOGETHER. 


71 


u I have  long,  and,  I believe,  successfully,  presided  over  institutions 
of  learning.  Am  the  president  of  a Christian  college.  Have  taught 
that  college  when  admitting  only  males.  Persuaded  its  trustees  to 
change,  so  as  to  admit  females.  Have  presided  four  years  over  the 
same  institution,  since  its  feminine  enlargement.  Have  managed  it 
with  much  less  than  half  the  trouble.  Have  seen  the  rowdyish, 
rampant  spirit  of  Young  America  give  place  to  manliness  of  deport- 
ment and  expression  among  the  masculines.  Have  found  that  the 
girls  and  young  ladies  progress  much  faster,  and  behave  very  much 
better,  than  those  in  a female  seminary  over  which  I long  presided. 
Can  hardly  express  the  all-importance  of  the  principle  involved  in 
Professor  Fowler’s  lecture.  Unwilling  to  let  a lecturer  who  takes 
right  ground  on  this  important  subject  leave  our  city  without  a full 
hearing,  therefore  moved  to  appoint  this  meeting.  And  am  de- 
lighted that  my  views,  gleaned  from  experience,  should  be  thus  philo- 
sophically and  ably  expounded  from  a scientific  stand-point.77 

And  I believe  all  teachers,  male  or  female,  ’who  have  ever  taught 
either  sex  exclusively,  and  both  together,  will  most  heartily  second 
the  doctrines  here  presented.  They  are  true,  and  ought  to  be  uni- 
versally adopted.  In  this  respect  our  common  schools  are  superior  to 
our  higher. 

The  plain  fact  is,  and  this  truth  is  universal,  that  the  male  sex 
is  a necessity  to  the  female,  and  the  female  to  the  male,  from  the  very 
cradle  to  the  grave — as  much  so  as  food  * for  both  grow  alike  out  of 
primitive  faculties  which  absolutely  must  be  fed,  and  which  their 
mutual  presence  feeds,  but  absence  starves.  Why  should  the  sexes  be 
separated  in  education  more  than  elsewhere  ? The  presence  of  boys 
wonderfully  inspirits  girls  to  study,  and  behave  their  very  best.  Nor 
can  any  other  incentive  supply  its  place.  A boy  at  school,  a young 
man  at  college,  studies  all  the  faster,  behaves  all  the  better,  if  loved 
mother,  sister,  sweetheart,  have  an  eye  on  his  success,  rejoice  over  his 
attainments  and  “ appointments,77  and  encourage  his  efforts.  So  of 
girls,  and  young  ladies.  Separate  them,  as  in  boys’  schools,  and  how 
slow  in  progress  in  study,  manners,  everything  good  ! Separated,  as 
in  most  colleges,  and  how  many  college  vices — one  most  fatal  to  man- 
hood— supply  their  place  with  morbid  cravings,  alike  destructive  of 
health,  moral  purity,  and  intellectual  progress  ! Unless,  perchance, 
as  in  Amherst  College,  the  students  associate  with  the  ladies  of  the 
village — a decided  recommendation  of  that  institution  over  most 
others.  In  this  respect  Methodist  institutions  far  surpass  most  others  * 
and  Oberlin,  and  Antioch  College,  at  Yellow  Springs,  and  the  Uni- 
versity at  Galesburg,  Illinois,  where  young  ladies  and  gentlemen  re- 


72 


POWER  OF  THE  LOVE  ELEMENT. 


cite  the  same  lessons  in  the  same  classes,  and  mutually  emulate  and 
stimulate  each  other  in  good  manners  as  well  as  intellectual  attain- 
ments, far  surpass  Yale  and  Cambridge,  where  students  are  proverbi- 
ally rude. 

And,  in  general,  college  students  behave  worse  at  public  gatherings 
than  any  other  class.  Nor  have  I,  in  ten  years’  lecturing,  been  inter- 
rupted by  as  much  rowdyism,  or  treated  as  rudely,  as  by  students 

belonging  to  that  one-horse,  old-fogy  college  at  C , N.  Y.  And 

the  worst  of  it  was,  that  they  justified  their  rowdyism.  What  have 
students,  deprived  of  right  female  influence,  to  either  restrain  their 
rampant  passions,  or  polish  off  their  rude  manners  ? 

The  fact  is,  no  girl  can  ever  learn  good  manners,  or  clothe  herself 
with  feminine  politeness,  except  in  and  by  contact  with  the  other  sex 
of  her  own  age.  And  the  same  is  true  of  boys  and  young  men.  To 
separate  them  makes  them  just  so  far  old  bachelors  and  old  maids — 
loose  stones  in  the  great  temple  of  society — unplaced,  unfit  to  place. 

That  abuses  sometimes  creep  into  promiscuous  schools  — billet- 
doux  are  interchanged,  etc. — is  not  denied.  But  it  is  denied  that  they 
are  either  inherent  or  unavoidable.  Horace  Mann,  than  whom  no 
man  of  this  age  is  better  qualified,  either  by  the  largest  educational 
views  and  experience,  or  by  the  highest  order  of  moral  purity,  to  pass 
an  intelligent  judgment,  assured  me,  that  at  Antioch  College  the  be- 
havior of  the  young  gentlemen  and  ladies  to  each  other  was  almost 
unexceptionable,  and  that  he  found  it  easy  to  regulate  their  conduct 
toward  each  other,  by  putting  it  on  their  natural  feelings  of  propriety, 
and  their  gentlemanly  and  lady-like  pride  of  character,  and  natural 
good  taste.  And  when  these  abuses  do  exist,  they  are  due  rather  to 
bad  management  than  any  inherent  difficulty. 

Young  gentlemen  and  ladies,  too,  should  be  allowed  to  associate 
freely  in  each  other’s  society.  Parents  should  make  parties  to  their 
children,  and  youth  of  different  ages,  and  encourage  sleigh-rides,  pic- 
nics, and  the  like. 

But,  mark,  the  old  folks  should  participate  and  preside.  Not  to 
restrain,  but  direct , youthful  exuberance.  Associating  with  the  young 
improves,  re-invigorates  the  old,  while  the  old  rightfully  soften  down 
and  properly  direct  the  sportiveness  of  youth.  No  young  man  will 
ever  behave  rudely  in  company  when  his  mother  forms  one  of  the 
party.  Nor  will  girls  be  too  free  or  forward  in  the  company  of  their 
elders.  Would  that,  a thousand  to  one  of  such  parties  were  made,  and 
attended  no  matter  how  extensively. 

Instead  of  this,  girls  are  often  put  under  the  most  rigid  surveillance, 
watched  every  hour,  as  if  unfit  for  a moment  to  be  trusted  out  of 


WATCHING  GIRLS. 


«3 


sight.  Thus  hemmed  in,  they  are  far  more  liable  to  break  away  from 
all  restraint,  fall  in  love,  or  be  ruined,  than  if  allowed  full  liberty. 
And  less  to  blame  than  those  who,  by  imposing  these  restraints,  starve 
this  first  natural  element  of  humanity.  One  no  more  to  be  suppressed 
than  appetite,  or  speech,  but  simply  to  be  cultivated,  and  rightly 
directed.  Is  your  girl  indeed  so  very  frail  or  ignorant,  that  she  is 
kept  virtuous  only  by  being  watched  ? And  is  watched  virtue  worth 
its  sentinel  ? Only  voluntary  goodness  is  good,  or  virtue  virtuous. 
I repel  such  a practical  slander  on  young  ladies.  And  those  who  err, 
do  so  more  from  kindness  or  novelty  than  natural  frailty;  whereas, 
proper  instruction  and  judicious  advice,  superadded  to  this  commin- 
gling in  the  society  of  young  gentlemen,  would  soon  put  all  on  their 
guard,  and  enable  them  to  repel  with  the  utmost  scorn  and  indigna- 
tion any  and  all  undue  liberties.  Unless  a girl’s  virtue  is  safe  in  her 
own  keeping,  it  will  not  long  be  kept. 

I know  that  these  doctrines  differ  fundamentally  from  the  common 
doctrines  and  customs  of  society.  But,  for  the  life  of  me,  I can  look 
at  this  subject  in  no  other  light.  And  I have  looked  at  it  long  and 
carefully,  and  withal,  practically ; and  say,  emphatically,  if  I had  a 
thousand  daughters  to  educate,  and  every  one  as  dear  as  an  only 
daughter  of  the  highest  womanly  endowments  could  be,  I would  edu- 
cate them  all  in  accordance  with  t*hese  principles.  Should  say  prac- 
tically to  all,  “ Choose  your  own  society  and  correspondence.  But  I 
hold  you  responsible  for  their  propriety.  Write  to,  and  receive  letters 
from,  whomever  you  please  ; but  I trust  to  you  not  to  allow  any  man  to 
send  you  a second  improper  letter,  and  to  repel  the  first  impropriety. 
Nor  ever  expose  yourself  to  a second.  I hold  you  responsible  for 
conducting  yourself  always  and  everywhere  in  true,  high,  womanly 
style.  And  further  beg  that  you  will  never  behave  rudely  to,  or 
wrong,  any  young  man  in  any  respect  whatever ; but  be  the  perfect 
lady  in  everything  appertaining  to  gentlemen  in  general,  and  young 
gentlemen  in  particular.”  Nor  are  the  young  or  single  half  as  sensual 
as  those  older  or  married. 

And  I must  shake  the  head  at  those  young  gentlemen  who  exclude 
themselves  from  female  society.  Many  excellent  young  men  go  from 
their  room  to  their  business,  and  business  to  their  room,  without 
spending  an  hour  a week  in  female  society,  living  meanwhile  in  a 
boarding-house,  so  that  none  of  their  family  feelings  are  cultivated. 
Perhaps,  equally  excluding  themselves  from  masculine  society  also. 
Devoting  their  leisure  hours  to  books.  Now,  all  this  seems  very  well. 
“ What  a proper,  nice  young  man  he  must  be  !”  is  the  general  remark. 
Not  so.  He  is  starving  a first  element  of  the  human  soul — the  sexual 

4 


74 


POWER  OF  THE  LOVE  ELEMENT. 


and  social.  “ And  when  one  member  suffers,  all  the  members  suffer 
with  it  ; as  when  one  member  rejoices,  all  the  other  members  also 
rejoice.”  Our  Bible  very  properly  says,  it  “ is  not  good  for  man  to 
be  alone  ” He  must  live  with  woman.  And  woman  with  him. 
Doubtless,  no  female  society  at  all  is  better  than  that  of  courtesans7,  to 
which  many  are  often  driven  by  want  of  associating  with  the  virtuous. 
But  how  infinitely  better  that  of  the  virtuous,  than  either  practical 
emasculation,  or  else  that  of  depraved  females  ! for  one  of  the  three 
is  a necessity. 

On  going  home  from  the  lecture  above-mentioned,  an  elderly,  ma- 
tronly, lady-like,  excellent  woman,  walking  home  with  the  reverend 
president  above  alluded  to,  who  got  up  the  lecture  by  way  of  confirm- 
ing its  views,  that  the  sexes  should  associate  freely  together,  narrated 
to  him  the  case  of  a young  man  in  that  very  city,  who  till  lately  had 
been  one  of  the  most  promising  youths  in  the  city,  was  a clerk  in  a 
large  business  establishment,  was  their  smartest,  best  young  man, 
perfectly  honest,  unusually  polite,  and  attentive  to  business,  but  had 
what  his  employers  considered  a grave  fault,  namely,  after  his  day’s 
work  was  done,  he  usually  went  to  some  previously-appointed  party, 
spending  his  evenings  in  the  society  of  young  ladies  and  gentlemen. 
His  character  was  above  suspicion.  Not  one  word  of  fault.  On  the 
contrary,  the  highest  praise  was  bestowed  on  his  fidelity,  integrity, 
business  capacities,  everything.  But  his  old-fogy  employers  said  to 
him:  u George,  one  of  two  things.  You  must  give  up  your  evening 
parties,  or  your  prospects  of  becoming  a member  of  our  firm.”  George, 
quivering,  replied  : “ Am  I not  honest,  faithful,  and  attentive  to  busi- 
ness ? Do  I not  do  more  than  any  other  two  in  the  store  ? What 
more  do  you  want  ? What  concern  of  yours  how  I spend  my  even- 
ings, so  that  I do  my  duty  to  you  7”  Their  very  laconic  reply  was : 
u Admitted  : but  abandon  either  your  parties,  or  your  hopes  of  prefer- 
ment. We  give  you  till to  choose.”  Ambitious,  acquisitive, 

he  chose  business  before  parties.  But  society  he  must  have.  Did 
have.  Exchanging  that  of  young  ladies  and  gentlemen  for  that  of 
his  own  sex,  he  fell,  was  thereby  led  into  drinking,  gambling,  and 
other  Concomitant  and  nameless  vices,  which  ruined  his  health,  his 
character,  his  fitness  for  business,  his  integrity;  and  at  the  time  of  the 
narration  he  was  an  outcast  ! A noble  youth  spoiled  by  the  interdict- 
ing of  aright  sexuality.  And  his  story  is  but  that  of  untold  thousands. 
Indeed,  these  vices  to  which  £i  Young  America”  is  subject — and 
“ Young  America”  is  a very  fast  boy — are  consequent  more  on  this 
exclusion  from  the  society  of  refined,  genteel  young  ladies,  than  by 
any  other  cause  whatsoever.  Society  in  this  respect  is  fundamentally 


LOVE  IMPROVES  THE  MANNERS. 


75 


wrong.  No  young  gentleman  can  now  call  or  wait  on  a young  lady 
more  than  twice,  but  every  tattling  old  maid  in  town  has  them  mar- 
ried. This,  along  with  the  watchfulness  and  exclusiveness  of  par- 
ticular mamma  and  careful  papa,  literally  banishes  them  from  right 
female  society.  The  place  of  which  they  supply  by  wrong.  And 
the  sensuality  of  our  cities  and  towns  is  due  mainly  to  this  starvation 
of  this  natural  element  in  this  its  right  form,  by  which  it  is  driven 
to  take  on  the  wrong. 

The  fact  is,  the  society  of  the  other  sex  is  a necessary  requisition 
to  each.  Is  a first  natural  law.  And  whoever  violates  it  is  punished 
in,  and  fry,  and  for , its  infringement.  While  all  who  obey  are  blessed 
in  and  by  means  of  that  fulfillment. 

These  are  plain  truths,  but  truths  for  all.  And  most  appalling  in 
their  import.  Please  give  them  mature  reflection  and  extensive  prac- 
tical observation. 

And  every  young  man  ought  always  to  live  in  some  family.  Does 
not  this  absence  of  family  influences  show  why  nine  in  every  ten  of  all 
the  young  men  who  go  into  business  in  our  cities  and  villages  lose 
their  virtue  and  moral  tone  ? And,  in  consequence,  fail  in  business  ? 

Or  thus  : It  either  is  a natural  institute  law,  that  young  gentlemen 
and  ladies  associate,  intermingle  with  each  other  in  the  various  walks 
of  life,  or  it  is  not.  That  their  association  is  a first  natural  law  is 
attested  by  the  universal  instincts  of  both  sexes,  and  all  ages,  as  well 
as  by  every  philosophical  principle  that  bears  on  this  subject.  Then, 
obeying  this  law  by  each  sex  seeking  the  society  of  the  other,  brings 
its  own  legitimate  reward  to  every  obedient  youth.  Whereas,  break- 
ing it,  as  in  exclusive  schools,  seminaries,  and  colleges,  brings  down 
its  merited  punishment  upon  the  head  of  every  delinquent.  Nor  will 
these  natural  laws  receive  any  excuses.  “ Obey  and  be  happy, 
violate  and  suffer, are  fixed  decrees.  Then,  be  a little  careful,  boy, 
girl,  young  man,  young  woman,  married,  single,  parents,  and  society, 
how  you  ignore  or  break  this  first  natural  law. 

14.  LOVE  IMPROVES  THE  MANNERS  ) OR,  SEXUAL  ETIQUETTE. 

Though  all  human  beings,  by  virtue  of  our  common  humanity,  owe 
to  all  a certain  cast  of  deportment — savage  to  civilized,  and  civilized 
to  savage,  juniors  to  seniors,  and  adults  to  children  (one  parental  and 
encouraging)  and  all  to  all,  and  that  in  which  the  mental  and  moral 
predominate — yet  there  is  another,  and  that  a far  higher,  due  between 
the  sexes.  As  that  same  treatment,  proper  enough  from  man  to  man, 
or  boy  to  boy,  would  be  rude  from  boy  to  man,  or  man  to  boy,  so  that 
style  of  manners  proper  enough  from  man  to  man  or  woman  to  woman, 


76 


POWER,  OF  THE  LOVE  ELEMENT. 


would  be  highly  improper,  rude  even,  from  male  to  female,  or  female 
to  male.  And  the  very  highest  style  of  human  manners,  and  that  most 
beautiful  and  perfect,  is  that  due  between  the  sexes,  and  prompted  by 
love  ; for  it  embraces  all  true  human  manners,  with  the  sexual  super- 
added . 

Then,  how  should  the  most  perfect  man  bear  himself  toward  the 
most  perfect  woman  ? And  woman  to  man  ? That  is,  in  what  does 
a perfect  sexual  etiquette  consist  ? 

And  since  preparation  is  the  first  step  in  every  great  work,  in  what 
does  that  preparation  consist  ? 

In  proper  feelings.  Our  manners  are  but  the  natural  language  of 
our  mental  faculties.  As,  to  treat  our  fellow-men  properly  we  must 
first  feel  rightly  toward  them,  so  he  who  would  treat  woman  appro- 
priately must  first  feel  the  true  manly  sentiment  towTard  the  sex  in 
general,  and  the  particular  woman  in  whose  company  he  may  find 
himself.  The  quintessence  of  all  good  manners  consists,  not  at  all  in 
having  been  to  the  daneing-school,  or  traveled  in  foreign  lands,  or 
studied  books  on  good  behavior,  nor  even  in  mingling  in  genteel  so- 
ciety, but  in  possessing  right  human  sentiments.  Who  feels  right,  will 
behave  right,  while  a boor  at  heart  will  be  boorish  in  all  his  manners, 
though  all  his  life  in  polite  circles.  Nor  is  any  rudeness  as  rude  as 
that  which  ensconces  itself  behind  fashionable  usages.  Enshroud  the 
' ass  in  the  lion’s  skin,  and  his  ears  will  stick  out  for  all.  And  if  he 
tries  to  roar,  he  can  only  bray.  Begin,  then,  with  the  interior , ye  men 
who  would  cultivate  a right  behavior  toward  females.  Then  alone  can 
the  out-workings  be  right.  “ First  make  the  tree  good.  Then  will  its 
fruit  be  good  also.”  A weak  sexuality  in  man  treats  woman  on  the 
plane  of  our  common  humanity  merely.  But  something  more  is  due. 
He  must  treat  her  on  that  plane,  to  be  sure,  but  superadd  thereto  that 
treatment  due  from  the  male  to  the  female.  And  a hearty  sexuality 
furnishes  both  this  right  estimation,  and  thereby  right  treatment.4  6 

But  perverted  sexuality  perverts  the  manners.  Weak  Amativeness 
treats  her  with  neglect  merely,  but  perverted  Amativeness  always 
maZ-treats  her.  The  errors  of  the  former  are  those  of  omission  merely. 
Those  of  the  latter,  of  commission.  Sensual  feeling  in  him  behaves 
sensually  toward  her,  and  thereby  virtually  insults  every  woman  he 
talks  with,  or  even  looks  at,  and  this  disgusts  and  repels  her. 
Vulgar  at  heart,  his  entire  natural  language  proclaims  his  sensuality, 
and  implies  her  degradation,  from  which,  if  pure,  she  instinctively 
recoils,  perhaps  without  knowing  why.  But  reads  and  reciprocates, 
if  impure.  Hence,  he  who  has  debased  his  sensuality  by  impure 
practices,  proclaims  his  own  shame  in  and  by  his  very  tone  of  manners 


SEXUAL  ETIQUETTE. 


t * 


to  woman,  which  her  purity  naturally  rebukes,  and  this  causes  him  to 
shrink  from  her  society.  Nor  can  anything  render  the  manners  of  a 
man  as  utterly  odious  as  corrupt  Amativeness.  Show  me  one  who 
considers  woman  faithless  or  devilish,  and  I will  show  you  a faithless 
devil. 

Of  course,  to  reform  their  manners,  such  must  reform  their  spirit , 
feelings — the  great  fountain-head  of  actions. 

And,  apply  not  these  doctrines  to  females  ? Show  me  her  who  has 
come  to  regard  all  masculines  as  bad,  and  I will  show  you  one,  all  of 
whose  actions  and  looks  toward  men  are  hateful,  and  practically  in- 
sulting to  them.  Let  her  wear  whatever  of  silks  and  diamonds  she 
may,  let  her  attempt  to  say  and  do  whatever  agreeable  things  she 
pleases,  all  hut  proclaim  her  practical  hypocrisy,  and  engender  his 
hate  instead  of  love.  But,  let  her  only  feel  the  true  sentiment  of 
woman  to  man,  and  she  acts  the  lady  * so  that  true  gentility— ladyism 
— is  of  the  heart , not  of  dry-goods. 

Then,  how  should  ladies  and  gentlemen  feel  toward  each  other  ? 

Behold  that  hoy  and  girl.  In  parlor,  in  play-ground,  he  edges  wist- 
fully toward  her,  and  treats  her,  never  rudely,  but  blandly  and  con- 
siderately. If  they  snow-ball,  he  tries  to  miss,  not  hit.  Or  hits 
softly,  merely  to  show  what  he  could  do.  If  they  scuffle,  it  is  not  as 
rude  boy  with  equal,  but  with  some  delicate  object  he  must  be  careful 
not  to  hurt.  If  they  slide  down  hill,  he  volunteers  to  draw  the  sled 
up  again.  And  on  level  ground,  he  draws  her,  not  she  him.  And  the 
older  they  grow,  that  is,  the  more  highly  sexed  they  become,  the  more 
considerately  he  treats  her.  And  the  more  pleasantly  she  behaves 
toward  him.  This  is  nature,  and  the  type  of  the  way  each  sex  should 
treat  the  other — the  same,  only  more  so. 

As  good  manners  between  human  beings  depend  on  each  manifest- 
ing toward  the  other  true  human  sentiments , so  all  right  treatment  of 
the  opposite  sex  springs  from  an  exalted  regard  for  it. 

Man  ought,  by  virtue  of  his  masculinity,  to  regard  woman  as  his 
choicest  terrestrial  treasure.  She  is  specifically  and  every  way  adapted 
to  render  him  happy.  And  should  be  held  the  more  choice  and  pre- 
cious by  all  the  happiness  it  is  possible  for  him*  to  experience  in  her. 
That  is  precious  which  confers  happiness.  And  the  more  happiness, 
the  more  precious.  All  preciousness  consists  in  this  means  of  happi- 
ness. Woman  is  adapted  to  render  man  happier — almost  infinitely — 
than  any  other  terrestrial  creation.  Man  is  adapted  to  derive  pleasure 
from  the  luscious  peach,  the  melting  pear,  the  “ almighty  dollar,”  and 
a thousand  other  natural  productions  ; but,  of  all  the  possessions  and 
commodities  of  this  whole  earth,  it  is  ordained  that  the  female  shall 


78 


POWER  OF  THE  LOVE  ELEMENT. 


render  the  male  almost  infinitely  the  happiest.  And  that  man  knows 
little  of  happiness,  is  poverty-stricken  indeed,  be  his  social  position 
however  high  or  honorable,  and  his  possession  of  lands,  of  dollars,  of 
treasures,  however  great,  who  has  little  or  no  happiness  in  the  female. 
Comparatively  barren,  indeed,  is  he  of  human  ecstasy,  of  enjoyment. 
And  that  woman,  be  it  that  she  spreads  herself  in  silks  and  jewelry, 
be  it  that  she  is  waited  upon  by  scores  of  liveried  attendants,  and 
rolls  in  affluence,  having  all  else  that  heart  can  wish,  yet,  notwith- 
standing all,  in  spite  of  all,  is  a poor,  miserable  wretch — none  so  poor 
but  need  to  pity  her — who  is  not  happy  in,  is  rendered  miserable 
by,  man  in  general,  or  her  own  husband  in  particular.  And  there  are 
many  such.  But,  superlatively  happy  beyond  all  conception — in 
heaven,  though  on  earth — she  whom  man  makes  happy.  And  where 
a perfect  sexual  relation  exists  between  the  male  and  female,  how 
inexpressibly,  how  exultingly,  how  even  infinitely  happy  each  is 
adapted  to  become  in  and  by  the  other ! Description  utterly  fails  ! 
Words  are  but  mockery.  Only  experience,  and  that  of  very  few,  can 
ever  attest  either  the  variety  or  the  extent  of  that  happiness.  And 
throughout  the  entire  beings  of  both.  And  from  the  first  dawn- 
ing of  this  sexual  relation,  more  and  more,  till  they  close  their  eyes 
in  death.  And  even  throughout  eternity  itself ! All  that  even  a 
God  could  do,  God  has  done  to  adapt  each  sex  to  promote  the  happi- 
ness of  the  other.  And  this  adaptation  is  surpassingly  full  and  per- 
fect. Of  all  the  beautiful  workmanship  of  the  Divine  hand,  this  is 
the  most  beautiful.  Of  all  His  perfections,  this  is  the  most  perfect. 
Of  all  His  benevolent  devices,  this  is  the  most  benevolent.  All  the 
Divine  attributes,  all  the  human  enjoyments,  seem  to  be  concentrated 
in  these  adaptations  and  relations  of  each  sex  to  the  other.3 

Then,  shall  not  each  be  correspondingly  precious  in  the  eyes  of  the 
other  ? Man  should  esteem,  prize,  many  things  in  this  world.  But 
woman  is  his  pearl  of  greatest  price.  Man  should  preserve,  cherish, 
husband  many  of  life’s  acquisitions,  possessions,  but  prize  woman 
most  of  all.  Man  has  many  jewels  in  his  crown  of  glory,  but  what 
at  all  compare  with  woman  ? She  is  his  gem  jewel,  his  diadem , even. 

Then,  shall  he  not  'treat  her  accordingly  ? Since  she  can  contribute 
thus  to  his  happiness,  shall  he  not  also  to  hers  ? Is  it  not  meet  and 
fit  that  he  should  ? And  what  should  give  him  more  happiness  than 
to  promote  hers  ? Indeed,  what  does  ? His  highest  earthly  luxury, 
this  contributing  to  female  comfort.  And  the  better  sexed,  the  more 
a man  he  is,  the  more.  But,  in  proportion  as  he  is  barren  of  the  mas- 
culine element,  does  he  fail  to  derive  pleasure  from  woman,  and  she 
fail  in  being  precious  in  his  eyes.6  And  also  does  his  deportment 


INFLUENCE  ON  MANNERS. 


79 


toward  her  become  commonplace — merely  human,  but  not  sexed. 
Yet,  exactly  in  proportion  as  he  is  more  and  more  masculine,  more 
highly  sexed,  will  the  feminine  give  him  the  more  pleasure.  And  he 
seek  her  comfort. 

And  she  his.  This  rule  works  both  ways.  In  proportion  as  she  is 
sexed,  is  feminine,  does  she  seek  to  render  the  masculine  happy,  be- 
cause it  renders  her  so.  But,  if  she  is  poorly  sexed,  she  cares  little 
for  the  masculine,5  and  is  tame — merely  human,  instead  of  womanly — 
in  her  treatment  of  man.  And  how  infinitely  beneficent  and  perfect 
this  action  and  reaction  of  the  sexes  upon  each  other’s  happiness, 
manners,  character,  everything  ! 

And  what  human  perfection  is  as  perfect  as  a right  treatment  of 
the  other  sex  ? And  what  defects  in  behavior  as  defective,  what  vul- 
garities as  vulgar,  what  wrong  conduct  as  wrong,  as  improper  treat- 
ment of  woman  by  man,  or  man  by  woman  ? Let  my  treatment  of 
men  be  what  it  may — and  I mean  it  shall  be  right — but  0,  give  it  to 
me,  always  and  everywhere,  to  treat  all  females — in  rags  or  velvets, 
in  palace  or  hovel — with  the  utmost  propriety  and  good-breeding  ! 
Just  as  the  most  perfect  male  should  always  and  everywhere  treat 
the  female.  And  that  wholly  irrespective  of  her  social  position, 
apparel,  or  accomplishments,  but  solely  by  virtue  of  her  sex:  which  is 
infinitely  above  these  external  trappings.  And  let  me  be  so  treated 
by  her  ! 

u Then,  how  should  the  most  exalted  masculine  treat  the  most  per- 
fect feminine,  and  the  highest  feminine  the  most  perfect  masculine 

In  strict  accordance  with  the  nature  of  the  sex  treated , not  those  who 
treat.  That  is,  the  natural  character  of  woman  should  dictate  man’s 
conduct  toward  her,  while  his  natural  character  should  prompt  her 
treatment  of  him. 

Then,  since  woman  is  most  delicately  organized,  fine-grained,  sensi- 
tive, and  susceptible,  his  treatment  of  her  should  be,  and  in  all  whose 
sexuality  is  hearty  and  normal,  is  exceedingly  tender,  considerate, 
comforting,  refined,  and  kind.  As  in  handling  cannon  balls  or  pig- 
iron,  we  may  pitch  and  pound,  for,  hard  themselves,  they  can  bear  it : 
but,  in  handling  fine  watches,  we  must  handle  them  lightly;  so 
man  may,  if  he  likes,  bang  his  fellow-men  about  as  he  would  rough 
boxes — though,  as  those  that  use  the  sword  must  expect  some  time  to 
perish  by  the  sword,  so  those  that  bang  must  expect  to  be  banged — so 
woman,  being  delicate  of  structure,  must  be  treated  delicately.  Being 
exquisitely  susceptible  alike  to  pain  and  pleasure,  shall  not  man 
avoid  whatever  can  give  her  pain,  and  do  whatever  can  contribute  to 
her  happiness  ? Himself  strong  and  hardy,  able  to  endure  rough 


80 


POWER  OF  THE  LOVE  ELEMENT. 


treatment  and  unkind  remarks,  he  must  not  judge  her  by  himself. 
Such  treatment  as  his  more  hardened  feelings  would  not  mind,  cuts 
her  more  tender  soul  to  the  very  quick.  Let  exactly  the  same  things  be 
said  against  a man  and  woman,  while  he  would  rise  above,  or  harden 
himself  against  them,  and  not  feel  hurt  in  the  least,  she  would  take 
them  sorely  to  heart,  and  writhe  in  mental  agony,  and  wither  beneath 
them. 

Speak  gently,  then,  O man,  to  woman  ! Speak  to  man  in  tones  of 
sternness,  if  you  will,  but  to  woman  let  every  tone  be  softer  than  that 
of  the  cooing  dove  to  his  love-mate.  Your  every  harsh  intonation 
grates  so  terribly  on  her  delicate  ear.  Oh,  never  pain  it  thereby  ! 
When  you  address  the  sex,  let  your  voice  fall  upon  a lower,  gentler 
key  than  that  employed  to  man,  and  be  winning.10  Let  your  every 
look  be  one  of  consideration  and  regard,  as  though  beholding  a being 
highly  organized  and  ethereal.  As  she  is  naturally  refined,  so  let  not 
one  coarse  look,  or  vulgar  expression,  or  improper  act,  transpire  in  her 
presence.  Instead,  drink  in  her  refinements,  and  incorporate  them 
into  your  own  character,  rather  than  offend  in  word  or  deed  her  nice 
sense  of  propriety  and  good  taste.  And  as  cautiousness  is  due  to 
whatever  is  delicate,  so  be  careful  of  her.  Stand  sentry  around  her, 
to  see  that  no  evil  overtakes  her.  Much  less  inflict  evil  on  her.  You 
are  her  natural  protector.  See  that  you  ward  off*  all  harm,  not  in- 
duce it.  The  more  so,  as  the  true  woman  naturally  looks  to  the  mas- 
culine for  protection.  And  the  true  man  always  delights  to  give  it. 
And  under  the  guardianship  of  the  true  male  the  female  is  just  as 
safe,  even  if  he  can  impose  on  her  with  impunity,  as  his  strength  and 
prowess  can  render  her.  And,  when  danger  threatens,  he  looks  out 
for  her  safety,  even  to  the  neglect  of  his  own.  Of  this,  Captain 
Herndon,  at  the  wrecking  of  the  Central  America,  furnished  a true 
masculine  example.  He  saves  every  woman  and  child  first , even  though 
in  so  doing  he  imperils  and  loses  his  own  life.  Eternal  honor  to  his 
manly  head  and  heart  ! Let  woman  raise  a worthy  monument  to  his 
undying  memory.  He  was  the  true  man.  Let  every  woman  acknowl- 
edge and  repay  the  debt  of  eternal  gratitude  and  love  she — the  whole 
sex — owes  to  his  memory  ! And  how  proud,  in  the  midst  of  her 
grief,  his  bereaved  widow  should  be,  that  he  was  so  nobly  true  to 
manliness  ! Let  it  dry  up  her  tears.  She  had  the  very  best  of  hus- 
bands. A martyr  to  true  sexuality ! Man,  always,  everywhere, 
pattern  after  his  most  noble  example.  In  danger,  save  woman  first. 
Nor  ever  in  the  least  expose  her  to  any  possibility  of  evil.  It  is  utterly 
unmanly,  even  despicable. 

And  keep  a sharp  eye  ever  on  the  alert  to  descry  some  new, 


SEXUAL  ETIQUETTE. 


81 


some  other,  and  yet  another,  means  of  promoting  her  comfort.  Not 
merely  pick  up  her  glove,  and  manifest  Frenchified  etiquette,  but,  in 
parlor,  in  omnibus,  in  crowded  assembly,  everywhere,  yield  her  your 
comfortable  seat,  though  obliged  yourself  to  stand.  And  keep  both 
eyes  always  wfide  open,  to  perceive  her  wants  the  moment  they  arise, 
and  proffer  their  supply.  And  the  more  so,  the  more  substantial 
these  wants.  Let  her  happiness  be  your  constant  care.  In  it  consists 
your  own. 

And  these  gallant  attentions  to  her  comfort  are  so  peculiarly  beau- 
tiful in  man — are  worthy  of  all  praise.  A thousand  times,  in  my 
crowded  lecture-room  or  office,  a lady  entering,  have  I admired,  felt 
proud  that  I was  a man,  to  see  half-a-score  of  gentlemen  spring  from 
and  proffer  their  seats,  each  anxious  to  martyrize  himself  on  the  altar 
of  her  happiness.  And  this  gallantry  is  both  a sure  sign  and  a correct 
measure  of  the  refinement  and  human  elevation  of  both  individuals 
and  communities.  Nor  is  there  any  one  point  of  the  perfect  gentle- 
man as  gentlemanly  as  these  polite  attentions  to  female  comfort.  In 
fact,  they  constitute  the  very  heart’s  core  of  all  gentlemanliness.  To 
see  a stalwart,  brawny  man,  whose  strength  could  command  the 
lion’s  share,  yield  his  seat  to  weaker  woman  in  the  crowded  con- 
course, preferring  to  stand  by  the  hour,  in  order  to  render  her  com- 
fortable, whereas  he  would  hardly  yield  it  even  to  a king,  is  a beauti- 
ful trait  so  beautiful,  a generous  act  so  generous,  an  oasis  on  the 
barren  desert  of  the  human  virtues  so  green,  so  refreshing,  that  it 
ought  to  be  more  prized  and  praised  than  it  now  is.  All  honor  to  him, 
in  rags  or  broadcloths,  in  honor  or  shame,  who  manifests  this  first  of 
masculine  virtues — attention  to  woman’s  comforts.  And  that  so 
cordially  as  not  to  oppress  her  with  a feeling  of  obligation.  As  if, 
instead,  she  placed  him  under  the  obligation,  by  allowing  him  the 
favor  of  bestowfing  the  favor. 

And,  gentlemen,  ye  who  would  perfect  yourselves  as  men,  in  man- 
ners, in  character,  have  here  the  very  heart’s  core  of  all  good-breed- 
ing. He  is  in  very  deed  well-bred,  and  he  alone,  whether  courtier  or 
ciod-’nopper,  who  does  behave  thus  to  woman.  Nor  need  he  read 
Chesterfield,  for  his  good-breeding  is  indigenous — is  felt , not  assumed. 
But  this  requires,  and  is  prompted  by,  a high  appreciation  of  female 
character. 

Just  how  far  a man  should  carry  these  gallant  attentions  depends 
on  two  things — how  much  of  a man  he  who  bestows,  and  how  much 
of  a woman  she  to  whom  they  are  tendered.  If  their  sexuality  is  low, 
and  they  are  accordingly  indifferent  to  each  other,  they  may,  should, 
will,  treat  each  other  simply  on  the  human  plane,  instead  of  the 

4* 


82 


POWER  OF  THE  LOVE  ELEMENT. 


sexual.  Nor  could  they,  if  they  would,  treat  each  other  on  any 
other.  He  in  whom  Amativeness  is  weak  or  perverted  will  either  not 
try,  or  else  break  down  in  the  attempt.  And  his  consciousness  of 
awkwardness  will  hold  him  back. 

Yet  how  many  more  are  restrained  by  custom,  by  a fear  that  they 
may  be  thought  unduly  forward,  and  accused  of  taking  unjustifiable 
liberties  ! Not  at  all.  Nature  should  overrule  custom.  And  she 
who  thus  misconstrues  only  shows  what  a suspicious  prude  she  her- 
self is.  Those  who  see  so  much  wrong  in  others  do  so  because 
themselves  in  a like  wrong.  No  true  woman  would  think  of  implying 
such  a charge.  And  her  ideas  must  be  very  impure  who  does.  She 
judges  others  by  herself.  An  anecdote  in  point : 

A Miss  Nancy  Nippy,  of  Hartford,  Ct.,  all  freshly  primped  up  by 
and  from  the  young  ladies7  seminary,  went  to  Virginia  in  the  capacity 
of  a governess  of  a planter’s  family.  Her  room  door  had  no  lock, 
and  her  ladyship  made  a great  ado  because  she  could  not  lock  out  all 
attempted  intruders.  “ It  was  so  very  improper  for  a young  lady  to 
occupy  apartments  that  could  not  be  locked:’ 

Her  employer  reassured  her  that  she  was  just  as  safe  in  his  house, 
with  door  unlocked,  as  barred  and  bolted — that  no  one  ever  came 
there  who  would  obtrude  upon  her  retirement — that,  proper  or  im- 
proper, she  need  give  herself  no  more  concern  about  the  lock. 

But,  no,  her  fussy  ladyship  “ could  not,  would  not,  stay,  because  it 
was  so  improper,  out  of  all  character,  for  a young  lady  to  sleep  with 
unlocked  doors  !” 

Her  generous  host  accordingly  took  her  to  Ballard’s,  in  Rich- 
mond, and  put  her  in  his  charge,  to  be  escorted  home  by  some,  any 
gentleman  of  his  acquaintance  going  North.  Ballard  said  to  a friend 
of  mine:  “As  you  are  going  on  North,  and  I have  a young  lady 
bound  North  'whom  I am  to  furnish  a gentleman  escort,  will  you  look 
after  her  baggage,  and  play  the  agreeable  ?” 

“With  all  my  heart.  My  handsomest  attentions  are  at  her  ser- 
vice. And  with  the  greatest  pleasure.” 

Introduced.  Took  charge  of  her  baggage.  Paid  her  fare.  Looked 
after  her  comfort  in  every  possible  way.  Escorted  to,  waited  upon  at, 
from,  table.  And  he  was  a natural  gentleman.  He  knew  just  how 
to  wait  on  woman.  And  his  age,  sixty,  just  fitted  him  to  intermingle 
the  fatherly  with  the  gallant.  And,  after  all,  it  takes  giay  hairs  to 
wait  on  young  women  in  the  very  tip- top  style  of  true  gallantry. 
Becoming  late,  when  car  passengers  were  composing  themselves  to 
rest  as  best  they  could,  our  fatherly  beau,  with  a sort  of  nursing 
attention  to  her  little  wants,  made  her  a pillow  out  of  over-coat 


MISS  NANCY  NIPPY. 


83 


and  mult,  when,  seating  himself  by  her  side,  all  at  once,  cat-like,  she 
squalled  out : 

“ Mr.  Conductor  ! Mr.  Conductor  ! come  here  right  off.  This  man 
is  taking  liberties  with  me  !” 

Of  course,  ail  eyes  were  now  opened,  and  turned  on  our  hero. 
Though  conscious  of  his  innocence,  he  felt  streaked- — white  about  the 
gills. 

The  conductor  answered : “ When  I’m  through  examining  the 
tickets,  I will  give  you  attention.  Till  then  you  are  now  safe.77 

As  he  reappeared,  our  Nancy  Nippy  squalled  out  again  for  imme- 
diate protection,  reasserting  that  our  hero  was  taking  undue  liberties 
with  her.  This  brought  him  to  his  feet.  All  eyes  staring  at  him 
putting  himself  at  the  end  of  the  slip,  he  said,  with  dignified  em- 
phasis : 

“ You  cannot  leave  this  slip,  ma7am,  until  you  tell  these  people, 
before  whom  you  have  accused  me,  exactly  what  liberties  I have 
taken.  Say  definitely,  have  I touched  your  person  anywhere  ? li 
so,  say  w’here.” 

She  answered  : u I don’t  know  as  you  have.” 

Have  I taken,  even  touched,  your  hand  ?” 

“ I don’t  know  as  you  have.” 

u Then,  have  I attempted  to  kiss  you  ? Have  not  all  who  chose  to 
look  seen  all  I have  done  or  attempted  ? Have  I done  any  one  thing 
that  a gentleman  should  not  do  to  a lady  ? If  so,  say  exactly  what 
Substantiate  your  charge,  by  stating  to  those  before  whom  you  have- 
accused  me  just  what  particular  things  I have  done.” 

u I don’t  know  as  you  have  done  anything  in  particular,  only  l 
thought  you  made  very  free  with  me  in  a general  way.  But  I don’t 
know  as  you  have  done  anything  in  particular. ” 

u Humph  ! Only  a Miss  Prude.  She  don’t  know  what  polite 
treatment  is  from  gentlemen,”  roared  out  a gallant  Southron,  who 
saw  that  all  the  trouble  lay  in  her  prurient  imagination. 

11  Miss  N.,”  our  hero  continued,  u Mr.  Ballard  put  you  under  my 
escort,  giving  me  special  charge  to  promote  your  comfort.  I have 
done  my  very  best  to  redeem  that  charge — have  done  all,  and  omitted 
nothing  in  my  power  to  promote  your  happiness.  If  I wanted  to  take 
liberties,  I should  surely  not  have  selected  you.  But  I have  taken 
charge  of  your  baggage,  waited  on  you  as  handsomely  as  I knew  how, 
made  you  the  best  pillow  I could,  and  even  paid  your  fare  and  supper, 
without  thinking  to  ask  you  to  reimburse  even  that;  and  this  fa!so 
and  utterly  groundless  accusation  is  the  thanks  I get.  Fortunately,  i 
am  too  well  known  to  have  this  aspersion  injure  me.  1 attribute  you* 


84 


POWER  OF  THE  LOVE  ELEMENT. 


conduct  more  to  inexperience  and  false  notions,  than  wrong  motives. 
I should  be  justified  in  returning  your  checks,  and  letting  the  ‘ con- 
ductor’ protect  you,  and  see  to  your  baggage.  But  I will  not.  J 
will  see  you  safely  in  Washington,  and  your  baggage  re-checked,  and 
you  re-seateu,  but  no  farther.  Meanwhile,  I will  thank  you  to  pay 
me  your  fare,  as  I have  already  paid  for  your  ticket.” 

A fellow-passenger  in  the  cars,  buying  a dozen  apples,  offered 
some  to  a lady  sitting  near.  She  accepted.  This  started  the  inquiry: 
u This  is  not  customary,  but  is  it , per  se , proper  ?”  Was  his  proffer 
manly?  Was  her  acceptance  'womanly?  He  offered  some  also  to 
me,  and  I accepted.  Was  it  right  or  wrong  to  extend  a like  courtesy 
to  her  ? 

A gentleman  seeing  a lady  in  the  cars  with  a child  trying  to  find  a 
resting-place  for  her  weary  head,  proffered  his  shoulder,  and  amused 
her  child.  She  accepted,  and  slept  for  hours.  Were  his  proffer  and 
her  acceptance  in  accordance  with  true,  right,  high-toned  manliness 
and  womanliness?  What  says  true  human  nature,  irrespective  of 
custom  ? 

In  the  name  of  these  facts,  and  of  all  candor  and  truthfulness,  we 
repeat,  do  not  the  very  customs  and  tone  of  society  both  often  put  evil 
constructions  on  purely  gallant  attentions,  and  choke  down  much  of 
that  bubbling  gallantry  which  would  otherwise  manifest  itself?  Is 
not  American  society  over-strict,  even  prudish,  in  this  respect  ? This 
originates  in  jealousy,  or,  rather,  in  perverted  Amativeness.  Normal 
Amativeness,  feeling  no  wrong,  suspects  none ; whereas  morbid 
Amativeness,  itself  unclean,  is  always  accusing  others  of  its  own 
conscious  pruriency.  Who  charge  others  with  corruption,  thereby 
proclaim  their  own.  Gentlemen  would  be  much  more  polite  in  car, 
in  omnibus,  in  public,  if  they  dared  to — if  they  could  calculate  on 
their  gallant  proffers  being  received  in  the  same  spirit  in  which  they 
are  made.  I do  not  believe  the  sun  shines  upon  more  or  truer  gallants 
than  those  over  whose  proud  heads  floats  our  star-spangled  banner. 
Frenchmen  may  be  more  showy  • hut  are  they  more  cordial  and  sin- 
cere ? I have  been  particularly  struck  with  the  polished  gallantries 
of  Southerners.  And  equally  so  with  the  truly  lady-like  manner  of 
their  reception.  And  with  the  polished  and  high-toned  comportment 
of  ladies  and  gentlemen  toward  each  other.  Much  more  freedom, 
much  l(ess  restraint,  than  at  the  North,  As  if  proffered  and  accepted 
in  the  true  masculine  and  feminine  spirit,  And  how  much  more 
beautifql  it  renders  their  manners  ! 

But,  men  not  a few — I opine  the  great  majority  of  the  industrious, 
young  apd  pld — while  they  fed  all  the  gallant  sentiments  of  a true. 


BASHFUL  MEN. 


85 


hearty  manliness,  and  even  literally  burn  to  express  them,  some  from 
bashfulness,  more  from  that  exalted  respect  for  the  female  sex  which 
even  oppresses,  and  suppresses  instead  of  prompting  courtesies,  some 
from  a consciousness  of  awkwardness,  but  most  from  want  of  practice, 
fail  sadly  in  expressing  to  the  other  sex  the  gentlemanly  considerations 
they  feel.  Let  such  remember  two  things  : first,  that  u a faint  heart 
never  wins  that  woman  is  not  superior  to  man — then  why  be 
abashed  by  her? — that  woman  infinitely  prefers  well-meant  forward- 
ness to  shrinking  diffidence.  So,  courage,  for  women  love  forwardness 
more  than  backwardness,  in  men.  And,  secondly,  that  first  feeling  right 
toward  woman,  you  act  as  you  feel.  Actions  follow’  feelings,  and  take 
their  cast  therefrom.  Than  right  sentiments  toward  the  female  sex,  no 
feature  of  character  is  more  beautiful.3  And  their  natural  manifesta- 
tions are  correspondingly  so.  If  your  heart’s  core  is  right,  you  need 
not  fear  to  trust  its  out-workings.  And  remember  that,  to  do  nothing, 
is  wrorse  than  to  do  poorly.  Sins  of  omission  often  exceed  those  of 
commission.  Neglect  of  woman  is  often  worse  than  awkwardness. 
Just  think  how  the  perfect  masculine  ought  to  treat  the  perfect 
feminine,  and  treat  all  females  as  near  this  ideal  standard  as  you  well 
can. 

Bashfulness  is  not  manliness.  Break  the  icc.  Do  the  best  you 
can,  but  do  something , if  only  to  learn  the  art.  the  knack,”  for  next 
time,  and  all  times  to  come.  Evince  no  hesitation.  Diffidence  never 
takes.  Diffidence  spoils.  Try  your  pinions,  if  you  would  soar. 
And  all  true  women  will  accept  the  proffered  kindness,  and  overlook 
any  accompanying  imperfections.  And  help  you  through  besides. 

And  wffiy  shall  not  gallantry  be  taught  ? Even  form  a constituent 
part  of  a boy’s  education  ? Why  not  as  much  as  Latin,  or  chirog- 
raphy  ? Is  it  not  quite  as  great  an  accomplishment  ? Greater,  even  ?3 
How  much  is  a literary  boor  above  a gentlemanly  ignoramus  ? And, 
does  not  gallantry  sharpen  up  the  intellect,  as  w~ell  as  improve  the 
heart,  and  refine  the  soul  ? A talented  clowrn  would  gain  by  ex- 
changing some  of  his  abundant  talents  for  more  of  gentlemanly 
politeness  to  the  other  sex.  Perhaps,  if  only  one,  better  talent  than 
gallantry,  but  how  much  better  both  united!  Come,  every  young 
man  of  you,  all  ye  men  of  all  ages,  study  and  practice  the  art  of 
behaving  properly  to  ladies.  What  human  art  or  accomplishment 
equals  it?  You  should  make  it  as  much  an  acquirement  as  gram- 
mar. Nothing  taught  at  school,  academy,  or  college  even,  is  as  im- 
portant. As  intimately  concerns  your  w’ell-being  all  through  life. 
And  really,  to  be  skilled  intuitively  and  practically  in  natural  gal- 
lantry— to  be  able  always  and  everywhere  to  w’ait  upon  the  ladies,  in 


86 


POWER  OF  THE  LOVE  ELEMENT. 


a real,  finished,  elegant,  appropriate  style — is  a valuable  gift,  as  orna- 
mental, as  self-perfecting,  as  any  other  manly  gift,  attainment,  or 
capacity.  My  fellow-men,  vie  with  me  in  its  cultivation.  Let  us 
strive  together  as  to  who  will  do  up  the  agreeable  to  the  gentler  sex 
in  the  most  perfect  masculine  style. 

Not  that  woman  should  be  too  dependent  and  helpless.  Some 
women  act  as  if  too  passive,  too  inert,  almost  to  walk  or  breathe, 
without  a man  to  lean  on,  and  practically  say  all  the  time,  u Do  help 
me,  sir.”  Too  much  helplessness  spoils.  Both  men  and  the  gods 
love  to  help  those  that  help  themselves.  True,  a woman  may  be  too 
independent  to  be  lady-like,  yet  every  woman  should  act  as  if  able 
and  willing  to  help  herself,  yet  thankfully  receive  all  needed  atten- 
tions. 

But  how  shall  a lady  receive  these  gallant  attentions  ? Never  as  did 
Miss  Nancy  Nippy.  Perfectly  outrageous.  But,  per  contra , always, 
and  everywhere,  with  a cordial,  grateful  acknowledgment . The  least 
she  can  any  way  do  is  to  smile  pleasantly  on  him,  and  thank  him 
sweetly.  Shall  not  every  human  being  pay  for  all  received  from 
others  ? Why  not  ? And  wTiat  real  claim  has  she  on  him  ? He  is 
under  no  obligations  to  her  further  than  those  he  chooses  voluntarily 
to  assume.  She  ought,  therefore — it  is  but  due  from  her  to  him — to 
pay  him  somehow.  And  her  grateful  acknowledgment  is  ample  pay- 
ment. Her  sweet,  feminine  u Thank  you,  sir,”  u This  is  very  kind  in 
you,”  “I  am  much  obliged,”  far  more  than  repays  him.  His  heart 
bounds,  it  leaps  to  his  throat,  that  he  has  been  privileged  to  proffer 
the  kindness  and  obtain  the  reward.  A woman’s  thanks  are  so  very 
grateful  to  a true  man.  Nor  is  any  woman  entitled  to  any  more 
attention  from  man  than  she,  by  her  superior  loveliness,  can  make  it 
a free-will  offering  in  him  to  bestow.  And  those  who  deserve  the 
most  will  receive  the  most.  And  she  who  is  neglected,  is  so  because 
she  ought  to  be.  She  should  extort,  rather  prompt,  them  by  her  love- 
liness. Men  have  gallantry  enough.  All  they  require  is  that  it  be 
elicited.  And  female  loveliness  alone  can  elicit  it.  And  this  can. 
And  always  does.  An  uninteresting  woman  is,  ought  to  be.  neglected, 
because  uninteresting — that  is,  poorly  sexed — unwomanly.  It  is  wo- 
manliness, sexuality,4  5 that  calls  out  and  bestows  these  gallantries. 
And  they  abound  or  decline  in  proportion  to  this  sexuality.  Cultivate 
that,  and  you  increase  them.  Lose  that,  and  you  lose  them. 

“ But,  I am  uninteresting.  I w*as  born  so.  I can  not  help  myself. 
Then,  what  am  I to  do  ?” 

Do  without,  or  else  cultivate  loveliness.  One  or  the  other  you  must 
do.  Take  your  choice.  All  women  have  enough  to  secure  passable 


THE  TRUE  LADY. 


87 


attentions,  if  they  will  but  u let  their’5  sexual  u light  shine,”  instead 
of  u hiding  it  under  a bushel.”  (See  Advice  to  Old  Maids.)  To  call 
out  more  attentions,  woman  has  only  to  be  thankful  for  those  she  does 
receive. 

But  if  she  receives  in  cold,  thankless  indifference,  he  feels  sorry 
that  he  made  the  proffer.  Not  for  his  loss  of  comfort,  but  her  non- 
appreciation. His  generous  efforts  fall  back  dead  upon  him,  and  this 
palls  future  attempts. 

Another  anecdote  : A couple  of — I will  hardly  say  ladies — females 
entering  a full  car,  between  Columbus  and  Cincinnati,  a Judge,  com- 
fortably seated,  rose,  beckoned  out  his  friend,  and  politely  seated 
them  in  his  seat,  into  which  they  slid  without  acknowledgment.  Still 
standing  at  the  mouth  of  the  slip,  till  his  presence  became  oppressive, 
his  friend  said  : 

u Judge,  what  are  you  standing  there  for  ?” 

u Waiting  for  these  ladies  to  thank  me,”  was  the  reply. 

No  point  in  female  gentility  at  all  compares  with  this  pleasant 
11  Thank  you,  sir.”  Talk  about  boarding-school  accomplishments  ! 
They  are  as  trash  in  comparison.  Even  music  is  its  inferior.  Nor  is 
any  want  of  it  equal  to  its  withholding.  She  is  no  lady  who  does, 
be  she  dressed  in  embroideries  however  rich,  and  accomplished  in  all 
the  boarding-school  simperings.  While  she  who  returns  them  hand- 
somely is  a true  lady,  though  dressed  in  ragged  calico,  and  scrubbing 
board  floors. 

Sometimes  a bashful  girl,  perhaps  confused,  omits  to  say,  but  looks) 
her  thanks.  Yet  this  confusion  is  their  highest  expression.  Her 
grateful  recognition  chokes  its  verbal,  but  not  real  expression. 

And  yet,  are  there  no  women,  like  a child  spoiled  by  pampering, 
who  act — and  actions  sometimes  speak  louder  than  words — 

“ Well,  but  you  ought  to  take  me  to  concert  and  saloon,  and  glad  of 
the  chance,  because  Pm  a woman  and  you’re  a man.  And  no  thanks 
to  you  either.” 

But,  if  there  is  anything  perfectly  hateful  in  female  manners,  it  is 
this  impertinent  demand  on  men  for  service,  along  with  their  thank- 
less reception. 

Nor  will  any  one  thankless  woman  long  be  a recipient  of  these 
attentions  from  any  one  man.  He  will  soon  tire  of  them.  And  ought 
to.  It  is  the  thanks  he  gets  which  repays  the  service,  and  prompts  a 
repetition. 

But,  are  American  women  as  particular  to  return  thanks  as  they 
should  be  ? Is  not  here  a marked  defect  in  the  manners  of  American 
ladies  ? Another  anecdote  : 


88 


POWER  OF  THE  LOVE  ELEMENT. 


I usually,  tit  myself  for  the  lecture-room  by  a brisk  run.  On  a run 
in  Walnut  Street,  Philadelphia,  winding  my  way  one  dark  evening  to 
the  lecture-room,  a lady  said  : 

u Please,  sir,  stop  that  omnibus.77 

I turned,  hailed,  helped  in,  when  she  said,  Thank  you,  sir,77  in  a 
manner  so  pleasant,  so  lady-like,  that  I doubted  her  being  American. 
Not  that  I would  thus  disparage  my  countrywomen,  or  lower  their 
estimate,  but  that  I would  put  them  upon  the  truest,  highest  etiquette 
of  their  sex.  I would  expose  their  faults  only  to  obviate  them.  And 
because  I would  not  that  my  countrywomen  should  be  behind  those 
of  any  other.  Pray,  my  countrywomen,  rely  for  praise  less  on  rib- 
bons and  jewelry,  and  more  on  an  appropriate,  a true  style  of  man- 
ners toward  men. 

But,  shall  man  bestow  all  on  woman,  and  receive  none  in  return  ? 
That  man  should  look  more  after  woman’s  comfort  than  woman  after 
man’s,  has  been  already  virtually  proved  by  implication  in  the 
rationale  of  their  attentions,  namely,  that  she  is  so  sensitive  and  de- 
pendent, and  he  so  strong.  But,  shall  she  have  no  eye  to  his  happi- 
ness ? 

And  when  a woman  wrho  can  sing  or  play  is  requested  to  entertain 
the  company,  what  affected  nonsense,  how  ungenteel,  to  decline  and 
re-decline — all  the  time  wTanting  to  show'  her  skill — till  impatience 
annuls  expectation  ! When  ladies  can  thus  contribute  to  the  pleasure 
of  the  company,  gentlemen  especially,  is  it  lady-like  to  refuse  till 
urging  becomes  unpleasant  ? Does  not  true  gentility  require  her  to 
step  right  forward  on  the  first  asking,  as  if  it  were  a pleasure,  not  a 
task  ? As  if  it  made  her  happy  to  render  them  so  ? As  if  she  wrould 
do  the  best  she  could  cheerfully,  instead  of  being  or  making  believe 
ashamed  that  she  can  not  do  better  ? And  whenever,  wherever  she 
can  contribute  in  any  way  to  man’s  comfort  or  enjoyment,  ought  she 
not  to  do  so  as  gladly  as  man  to  hers  ? 

Or  shall  she  in  crowded  omnibus  receive  seat  after  seat  from  his 
generous  hand,  till  all  are  full — half  with  her  crinoline — wtiiile  she 
spreads  herself  over  twice  the  space  she  needs  to  occupy,  and  Lets  him 
stand  ? Shall  she  not,  at  least,  crowd  her  hoops  and  dry-goods  into 
the  smallest  compass,  so  as  to  compel  him  to  stand  just  as  little  as 
possible  ! Yet,  does  she  alw'ays  ? I will  hardly  say  all  I might, 
perhaps  ought  to,  on  this  point.  But  do  we  not  too  often  see  a selfish- 
ness in  her,  a neglect  of  his  comfort,  an  assumption  of  more  than  she 
really  needs,  thereby  compelling  him  to  go  without,  which  betokens 
less  regard  in  her  for  his  comfort  than  he  manifests  for  hers  ? Is  this 
just  right  ? Is  it  not  unlady-like  ? Is  it  not  unjustifiable  selfishness^ 


HOW  LADIES  SHOULD  TREAT  GENTLEMEN. 


89 


even  ? More.  Is  it  not  far  more  reprehensible  than  the  same  self- 
ishness evinced  toward  her  own  sex  ? My  countrywomen,  please 
consider,  and,  if  needs  be,  reform. 

Nor  should  women  always  take  all  these  kindly  tenders  of  man. 
Not  for  Miss  Nancy  Nippy’s  reason,  but  because  she  should  not  always 
rob  him.  It  is  not  womanly  to  refuse,  yet  not  always  lady-like  to 
accept  all.  Thus,  he  offers  her  the  only  peach,  or  anything  else 
there  is.  To  refuse  it  is  to  reprove  his  offer.  This  will  not  do.  She 
should  presuppose  he  offers  in  good  faith,  desiring  her  to  accept,  and 
not  refuse  for  fear  she  may  rob  him.  She  should  presuppose  that 
her  acceptance  will  please  him.  But,  accepting,  may  she  not  return 
a part  ? This  is  the  highest  point  of  true  gentility.  And  he  should 
accept  the  return.  And  they  share  it  together . 

Or  if  he  yields  her  his  seat,  she  should  accept.  But,  after  he  has 
stood  awhile,  she  should  proffer  its  return.  And  he,  if  fatigued, 
accept,  rest  a bit,  and  re-proffer  it. 

Nor  should  a young  woman  receive  the  seat  of  an  old  man.  Ker 
practical  language  should  be,  ” No,  father,  I am  younger  than  you, 
and  can  stand  better.  Please,  give  me  the  pleasure  of  seeing  you 
enjoy  it.”  Nor  is  a middle-aged  man  required  to  yield  his  seat  to 
girls,  ’who  are  yet  but  little  sexed.  He  may  let  them  lean  against 
his  brawny  chest ' but  their  relations  are  now  more  those  of  the 
junior  and  senior  than  male  and  female.  Or,  if  they  sit,  let  them, 
let  woman  alw’ays,  in  the  crowded  assembly,  stow  herself  and  crino- 
line away  in  the  smallest  compass  possible,  in  order  to  make  all  the 
room  she  can  for  him.  And  when  she  descends  the  stairway  in  a 
crowd,  take  up  her  dress — bring  it  forward,  so  that  those  behind  need 
not  step  on  it. 

Still,  no  definite  rules  of  universal  applicability  can  ever  be  given 
her,  because  u circumstances  alter  cases.”  Yes,  there  is  this  one 
universal  rule:  Let  men  and  women  always  feel  and  express  toward 
each  other  that  exalted  regard  ordained  to  obtain  between  the  sexes. 
Let  both  put  themselves  on  their  masculine  and  feminine  intuitions , 
and  their  mutual  manners  and  treatment  will  be  perfect.  And  let 
this  chapter  thus  put  all  who  read  it  on  this  exalted  sexual  platform. 
Let  it  teach  every  man  just  how  to  treat  the  female  sex,  and  every 
woman  just  how  to  treat  the  masculine,  and  it  will  incomparably 
adorn  the  manners  of  both.  Will  make  both  happy  in  each  other, 
and  mutually  develop  each  other’s  sexuality  and  humanity. 

Now,  since  the  mere  fact  of  sex  thus  beautifies  the  manners  of  each 
sex  toward  the  other,  how  much  more  love  ? Since  men  and  women 
treat  each  other  thus  beautifully  in  the  ordinary  walks  and  thorough- 


90 


POWER  OF  THE  LOVE  ELEMENT 


fares  of  life,  how  much  more  charming  the  mutual  manners  of  those 
truly  in  love  with  each  other  ! If  humanity  is  beautiful  anywhere, 
or  in  anything,  it  is  when  in  love.  The  sun  shines  out  on  nothing  as 
perfect,  or  perfectly  angelic,  as  on  the  proper  comportment  of  lovers 
toward  each  other,  excepting,  of  course,  that  of  husbands  and  wives 
to  each  other,  which  is  the  most  perfect  of  all,  because  prompted  by 
the  very  highest  phase  of  this  sexual  element.  Of  which,  however, 
conjugal  etiquette  included,  in  subsequent  pages — that  of  lovers, 
under  u Courtship,”  and  of  the  married,  under  u Married  Life.77 

15.  LOVE  AS  INFLUENCING  THE  MENTAL  FACULTIES. 

And  does  love  thus  re-quicken  the  action  of  all  the  physical  func- 
tions, and  shall  it  not  also  of  each  and  all  the  mental  faculties  ? Does 
not  the  sexuality  appertain  quite  as  much  to  the  mental  as  the  phys- 
ical of  humanity  ? As  much  ? Does  it  not  as  much  more,  as  mind 
is  a higher  entity  than  body?  Its  sacred  mission  is  to  transmit  the 
whole  being.  Then,  must  it  not  pervade  this  whole  ? And  is  not  the 
transmission  of  the  mental  being  even  more  important  than  that  of  the 
physical  ? As  much  more  as  mind  is  superior  to  body  ? Those  who 
suppose  this  sexual  institute  is  confined  to  body,  fall  infinitely  short 
of  a just  appreciation  of  both  this  element  itself  and  its  breadth  and 
scope.  As  mind  is  the  paramount  entity  to  be  transmitted  by  love, 
therefore  love  must  needs  pervade,  and  its  various  states  affect  th© 
mental  faculties  as  much  more  than  the  physical  functions  as  the 
mentality  is  superior  to  the  physiology.  And  both  the  mind  as  a 
whole,  and  each  of  its  faculties  to  build  them  up  when  love  is  happily 
placed,  but  to  break  them  down  when  it  suffers  disappointment. 

Does  not  love  re-enkindle  friendship  ? Show  me  an  unloving,  un- 
loved maid  or  bachelor,  and  I will  show  you  one  who  is  cold,  cheerless, 
and  unsocial.  But  a hearty  love  affair  will  throw  them  out,  and 
render  them  far  more  warm,  cosy,  and  genial  than  before. 

And  the  first  natural  concomitant  of  love  is  friendship.  Tell  me, 
ye  who  have  loved,  if  your  loved  one  was  not  also  your  best  and 
dearest  friend , as  well  as  lover  ? Indeed,  did  you  not  mistake  the 
dawnings  of  love  for  friendship  merely  ? And  all  who  truly  love 
each  other  are  friends  as  well  as  lovers,  and  friends  because  lovers — 
because  Adhesiveness  co-operates  so  effectually  with  Amativeness. 

Love  of  children  is  also  enkindled  by  love  of  the  sex.  Mark 
that  young  man,  when  courting  his  lady-love,  pat  that  rosy  boy’s 
cheek,  and  draw  that  girl  to  him,  and  play  with  all  the  younger  chil- 
dren while  waiting  to  see  their  elder  sister. 

And  does  not  she,  too,  show  more  fondness  for  children  since  she 


OVER  THE  MENTAL  FACULTIES. 


91 


began  to  be  courted,  than  before?  And  those  parents  who  love  each 
other  at  all,  love  all  the  better  from  loving  their  mutual  children. 
And  love  their  mutual  children  all  the  better  on  account  of  loving 
each  other.  Indeed,  how  many  love  each  other  quite  well  because 
they  love  and  live  in  and  for  the  same  dear  children,  who  would  not 
love  each  other  at  all  but  for  their  children  ! All  because  Amative- 
ness elicits  parental  love. 

Love  of  home,  too,  is  intensified  by  conjugal  love.  As  birds  set 
about  building  their  domicil  immediately  after  they  mate,  but  build 
none  before,  so  home,  with  all  its  joys,  all  its  vi  rtues,1  is  due  to 
Amativeness.  A home,  temporary  or  permanent,  becomes  a necessity 
immediately  after  marriage,  and  in  consequence  of  it,  and  is  rendered 
how  much  more  cheerful,  too,  by  children.  And  how  cheerless  that 
fireside  not  enlivened  and  adorned  by  some  cherub  child  ! But  how 
happy  that  home  full  of  them  ! For  which  thank  the  love  element. 

Love  also  prompts  continuity  to  pore,  think,  muse,  by  day,  by 
night,  on  those  we  love,  as  if  nothing  could  ever  divert  the  mind  from 
the  object  ever  present  of  our  affections. 

16.  INFLUENCE  OF  LOVE  ON  COMBATIVENESS  AND  DESTRUCTIVENESS. 

The  love  element,  happily  placed,  incites  Combativeness  and  De- 
structiveness to  their  highest  possible  pitch  of  normal  action.  Not  in 
fierce  conflict  or  ungovernable  temper,  but  in  determined  energy  and 
unflinching  valor.  Not  only  do  the  masculines  of  all  pugnacious 
animals  fight  mainly,  and  in  most  deadly  conflict,  during  their  love 
seasons  • but  a man  heartily  in  love  will  do  and  dare,  endure  and 
encounter,  attempt  and  execute,  to  a degree  which  nothing  else  could 
prompt.  While  the  hands  of  the  unloving  and  unloved  hang  listlessly, 
inertly  at  their  sides,  those  of  the  loving  and  loved  are  taxed  to  their 
utmost.  No  stone  is  left  unturned,  no  efforts  are  too  great,  no  obstacles 
too  gigantic,  for  them  not  to  attempt.  While  the  former  do  nothing, 
care  for  nothing,  but  laxly  let  time  hang  heavily  on  their  hands,  and 
slide  carelessly  through  them,  living  merely  a vacuitive,  objectless, 
inane  life,  or  if  they  essay  to  do  at  all,  do  it  tamely,  as  if  they 
neither  expected  nor  desired  success,  the  latter  take  right  hold  writh 
both  hands,  rush  right  on,  on,  with  might  and  main,  defying  dangers, 
grappling  right  in  with  difficulties,  as  if  to  do,  dare,  and  suffer  for 
love’s  sake  were  a real  luxury,  and  throw  a zest  and  power  into  effoil 
which  accomplish  their  ends.  Nor  can  any  man  ever  become  a hero, 
morally  or  physically,  except  under  the  inspiration  of  love.  Let  those 
who  would  ever  do  or  become  anything  in  this  world  worthy  the  doing 
or  becoming,  learn  this  practical  lesson  from  the  records  of  chivalry, 


92 


POWER  OF  THE  LOVE  ELEMENT 


that  as  no  knight-errant  ever  did  or  could  do  any  bold,  heroic  deed  of 
valor  or  humanity,  unless  inspired  thereto  by  love,  and  incited  by 
desire  to  gain  her  affections  in  and  for  whom  he  lived,  so  no  man, 
from  the  beginning  of  time  to  the  end  of  it,  ever  has  done,  ever  can 
do,  anything  great,  noble,  humane,  or  worthy,  unless  inspired  by  love, 
and  to  gain  or  re-awaken  her  affections.  What  stimulates  the  young 
Indian  to  his  loftiest  deeds  of  warlike  valor,  but  to  enkindle  the  ten- 
der passion  in  his  idolized  squaw?  And  is  not  this  principle  quite 
as  applicable  to  intellectual  attainments  and  moral  excellence  as  to 
martial  exploits?  Applicable  everywhere,  and  in  everything?  Ye 
men,  then,  who  ever  wish  to  attain  or  maintain  any  honorable  position 
among  men,  must  first,  love.  And  the  more  intensely  and  longer,  the 
more  a hero  you  will  become  in  whatever  sphere  or  pursuit  you 
may  enlist.  All  are  but  tame  poltroons  who  do  not.  All  heroes 
who  do. 

But,  let  this  love  be  reversed,  and  nothing  will  sour  the  temper  as 
effectually  as  disappointed  love.  It  will  render  the  most  amiable 
irritable  and  cross-grained,  and  those  naturally  cross,  actually  hateful. 
Show  me  a coarse,  rough,  blustering,  threatening  churl,  and  I will  show 
you  one  who  does  not  duly  love  * for,  if  he  did,  he  v/ould  look  at  every- 
thing through  different  glasses,  make  the  best  of  what  transpires,  enjoy 
what  he  can,  but  bear  patiently  what  he  must,  and  always  wear  a 
smile.  And  let  a woman,  ever  so  sweet-tempered  by  nature,  be  disap- 
pointed in  her  affections,  and  she  becomes  soured  in  disposition,  looks 
cross-grained  at  everybody  and  thing,  and  is  both  hating  and  hateful; 
while  those  not  naturally  the  best  tempered  become  real  Zantippes — 
fretting  at  every  little  thing,  and  storming  at  every  mishap,  unless, 
perchance,  disappointed  love  overcomes  Combativeness,  when  they 
break  down  under  it,  and  merely  live  out  a mechanical,  slipshod  life, 
trying,  indeed,  to  bless  others,  while  desolate  and  collapsed  within 
their  own  souls.  Are  not  u old  bachelors’’  proverbially  notional  and 
cross,  hard  to  please,  and  peevish  as  a sick  child,  and  old  maids  often 
real  vixens  ? True,  there  are  exceptions,  consequent  on  another  law, 
to  be  explained  hereafter ; but,  have  we  misrepresented  the  majority 
of  cases  ? 

But  this  point  will  be  the  more  fully  seen  if  we  give  its  reason — 
that  the  blasted  state  of  the  love  organs  throws  all  the  surrounding 
organs  into  a like  state,  while  their  reversed  action  reverses  all  the 
other  animal  faculties.  Let  those  men,  then,  who  have  cross  wives, 
know  that  they  have  failed  to  satisfy  their  love,  and  try  to  obviate 
their  crossness  by  re-awakening  their  love  : and  let  women  who  have 
churlish  husbands  apply  love  as  the  great  panacea  for  their  irritability. 


OVER  APPETITE. 


93 


17.  LOVE  PROLONGS,  BUT  DISAPPOINTMENT  SHORTENS,  LIFE. 

A happy  state  of  love  rekindles  desire  to  live.  Yitativeness,  or 
determination  to  live  on  in  spite  of  sickness  and  threatening  death,  is 
by  far  the  most  efficient  of  all  means  of  prolonging  life  and  reinvigor- 
ating all  its  functions.  Testify,  then,  all  ye  who  have  ever  loved,  if 
this  love  did  not  intensify  your  desire  to  live,  both  for  its  own  sake, 
and  for  the  sake  of  him,  her,  beloved.  This  is  its  legitimate,  its  uni- 
versal effect.  But  let  this  love  be  disappointed,  and  the  poor  sufferer 
cares  little  for  life  or  its  pleasures,  perhaps  even  craves  death  or  com- 
mits suicide,  as  a deliverance  from  the  agonies  of  despair.  And  this 
state  of  mind  both  produces  disease  and  hastens  death  * while  satis- 
fied love  repels  disease  and  lengthens  life  by  mere  force  of  will. 
And  how  many  invalid  women,  so  weakly  that  every  day  would  seem 
to  be  their  last,  live  on  surprisingly  and  unaccountably,  but  that  they 
cling  to  life  that  they  may  do  and  live  for  loved  husbands  and  chil- 
dren ! A happy  state  of  the  affections  will  add  many  years,  while  an 
unhappy  state  will  detract  many,  from  every  human  life,  besides 
having  a like  effect  on  the  states  of  health  while  they  do  live. 

18.  LOVE  PROMOTES,  DISAPPOINTMENT  IMPAIRS,  DIGESTION. 

Of  those  unloving  and  unloved  young  gents  who,  having  always 
boarded,  have  never  eaten  with  a loved  one,  little  need  be  said;  for 
they  are  boys  yet,  to  all  practical  intents  and  purposes.  They  may, 
indeed,  relish  food,  as  regards  its  quantity,  but  not  flavor,  and  eat 
voraciously,  like  the  gourmand,  but  not  with  the  delightful  relish  of 
the  epicure.  Only  those  can  fully  know  how  good  a good  thing  does 
taste  who  eat  along  with  one  beloved,  and  in  the  spirit  of  affection. 
And  the  more  of  that  spirit,  the  better  this  flavor.  Thus  eaten, 
everything  relishes.  A dry  crust  shared  in  fondness  with  a loved  one 
is  delicious,  whereas  a stalled  ox,  eaten  in  contention,  fails  to  relish. 
Affection  is  the  best  and  cheapest— and  is  it  not  also  the  scarcest  ? — 
table-sauce  on  earth.  And  often  renders  the  poor  man’s  scanty  fare 
more  luxurious  to  him  than  their  dainty  dishes  and  viands  to  wealthy 
discordants,  not  thus  seasoned.  But,  good  food  and  appetite  inter- 
mingled with  love  alone  can  give  to  food  that  highest  zest  and  epi- 
curean relish  of  which  it  is  capable.  Ye,  then,  who  would  regale 
Ali’mentiveness  with  the  highest  earthly  dainties,  go  with  him,  her, 
you  love  into  orchard  or  garden,  pluck  the  choicest  fruits,  share  every 
peach,  pear,  with  each  other,  interchange  looks,  words,  of  mutual 
affection,  and  a sharpened  appetite  returns  its  finest,  highest  gratifi- 
cation, besides  anabling  you  to  eat  twice  as  much  with  impunity  as 


94 


POWER  OF  THE  LOVE  ELEMENT. 


if  in  a discordant  state.  And  to  be  pitied  he,  she,  who  has  no  loved 
one  with  whom  to  share  a choice  dainty.  Those  men  who  board  at 
the  best  hotels,  or  visit  the  ice-cream  saloons  without  a woman,  or 
with  one  they  dislike,  may  call  on  their  dainty  and  fine  fruit  and 
game,  but  can  not  begin  to  enjoy  it  as  they  would,  if  eaten  in  fond- 
ness with  their  sexual  mate.  And  if  a husband  finds  fault  with  or  at 
his  meals,  ten  chances  to  one  but  dissatisfied  love  causes  this  dis- 
satisfaction at  meals.  How  often  do  wives  exemplify  this  law  by 
waiting  till  their  dinner  is  cold,  and  appetite  reversed  by  hunger, 
instinctively  preferring  to  wait  for  a loved  husband  to  eat  with  them, 
because  they  take  so  much  more  pleasure  in  eating  a cold  dinner  with 
him  than  a warm  one  without  ! 

And  this  is  reciprocal  on  his  part.  That  man  who  gets  his  dinner 
u down  town/’  besides  forming  a habit  of  getting  other  things  there 
also,  but  feeds  himself  poorly.  Let  him  hurry  through  his  work,  and 
postpone  his  dinner  till  after  his  labor  is  done.  Then  he  can  enjoy 
both  labor  and  dinner.  Then  alone  will  his  dinner  nourish  as  well  as 
relish.  One  may  eat  without  injury  twice  as  much  in  affection  as  in 
anger.  Nothing  is  as  promotive  of  dyspepsia  as  eating  in  anger, 
or  as  specific  a panacea  for  dyspepsia  as  the  pleasant  chit-chat  of  a 
loving  family.  Most  business  men  suffer  more  than  they  know  for, 
by  rushing  from  business  to  a restaurant,  and  guttling  down,  as  with 
might  and  main,  and  rushing  back  to  business,  thereby  soon  becoming 
too  enfeebled  to  manage  their  business  well.  Whereas,  let  them  cat 
a good  breakfast  leisurely  before  business  hours,  and  not  eat  again  till 
in  the  bosom  of  their  family,  after  they  have  dismissed  all  business 
care,  all  false  excitement,  they  can  eat  quietly,  as  well  as  allow 
energy  to  go  to  the  stomach  afterward,  while  they  relax  in  family 
amusements  ; and  they  will  rarely  contract  dyspepsia,  or  if  dyspeptics, 
this  course  will  soon  cure  them.  And  those  who.  get  their  meals 
down  town  soon  come  to  care  less  for  family,  and  to  relish  other  down 
or  up  town  repasts  * while  their  families  anxiously  and  painfully  pine 
over  the  absence  of  both  their  husband’s  and  father’s  presence  and 
affection. 

Nor  is  a table  fit  to  sit  down  at,  unless  surrounded  by  a child  or 
two.  Children  are  as  indispensable  to  a meal  as  bread  itself.  And 
instead  of  telling  your  children,  “ Let  your  victuals  stop  your  mouths,” 
I tell  mine  to  let  theirs  open  theirs.  “ Never  a cross  word  or  look  at 
table,”  should  be  a family  motto.  And  where  families  are  discordant, 
each  eats  separately  and  by  snatches.  And  if  loved  wife  or  child 
pluck  and  serve  up  a plate  of  delicious  berries,  or  prepare  some  other 
choice  palatial  luxury,  such  as  they  know  husband  and  father  likes, 


INDUSTRY  AND  ECONOMY. 


95 


or  he  send  home  some  favorite  family  dish  and  she  serves  it  as  only 
affection  can  serve,  how  doubly  delicious  ! 

19  ACQUISITIVENESS  ENKINDLED  BY  LOVE. 

Nor  can  any  motive  as  effectually  rouse  love  of  money,  to  earn 
all  R can,  and  keep  all  it  gets,  as  conjugal  love.  Those  who  are 
happily  married,  or  contemplate  marriage,  will  work  better  than  the 
unmarried,  and  command  better  wages,  besides  being  more  frugal,  and 
laying  up  faster.  Considered  even  as  a pecuniary  investment,  a 
happy  marriage  is  the  best  incentive  to  get  a home,  and  facilitate  per- 
sonal comforts  at  a trifling  cost  • while  the  bachelor  must  pay  higher  for 
poorer  fare,  and  live  from  hand  to  mouth.  And  good  enough  for  him. 

Come,  bachelors,  own  up  handsomely.  Tell  us  truly  how  much 
you  spend  per  week  for  cigars  and  brandy,  for  u good  cheer”  with 
cronies,  for  bachelor’s  club  bills  of  one  kind  and  another,  for  wines,  etc., 
at  this  meeting  and  that,  and  other  like  expenses  you  can  not  well  avoid 
without  appearing  mean.  Own  up  what  percentage  of  your  income. 
Less  than  half?  Is  it  not  usually  more?  Your  being  unmarried 
obliges  you  to  have  some  society.  This  throws  you  among  Romans, 
and  obliges  you  to  do  about  as  your  Roman  associates  do.  They  spend, 
and  you  must  foot  your  part  of  the  bill,  or  spunge.  I speak  not  now 
of  the  bad  habits  there  formed.  And  nothing  is  more  promotive  of 
bad  habits  and  late  hours  than  bachelorism  * or  of  good  ones,  and 
early  hours,  than  a happy  family.  Nor  will  anything  as  effectually 
wean  from  bad  ones.  But  I speak  of  the  inherent  expensiveness  neces- 
sarily attendant  on  the  unmarried  state.  It  takes  away  all  valid 
excuse  for  parsimony,  whereas  marriage  furnishes  that  excuse  as  well 
as  incentive.  Nor  can  you  well  help  escorting  the  ladies”  hither 
and  yon  j and  this  costs  nearly  as  much  as  to  support  an  industrious 
wife. 

And  those  not  married  are  expected  to  pay  threes  here  and  fives 
there,  twos  for  this  ride,  and  tens  for  that  ball,  which  is  not  expected 
of  the  married,  because  their  families  need  their  earnings.  And  how 
much  more  they  enjoy  it,  too  ! Hence  it  is  far  more  difficult  for  a 
young  man  to  lay  up  than  for  the  married,  both  earning  the  same 
amounts. 

And  what  holds  the  plow,  swings  the  hammer,  drives  bargains, 
sails  ships,  works  machinery,  and  does  up  the  industry  of  civilization 
in  all  its  ramifications,  but  the  love  sentiment,  in  common  with  the 
family  relations.  See  that  toiling  laborer  work  from  sun  to  sun, 
winter  and  summer,  year  in  and  year  out,  and  throw  every  dollar  as 
fast  as  earned  into  the  family  treasury,  saying,  u There,  wife,  get 


96 


POWER  OF  THE  LOVE  ELEMENT 


something  for  yourself  and  the  children.”  Let  love  be  struck  to-day 
from  the  soul  of  man,  and  to-morrow  hardly  a plow  would  disturb  the 
overgrown  earth,  or  tool  or  machinery  manufacture  comforts  for  the 
race,  or  store  open,  or  hum  of  human  industry  break  in  on  that  uni- 
versal stagnation,  industrial  and  mental,  which  must  infallibly  ensue. 
We  little  realize  how  much  of  our  national  prosperity  is  promoted  by 
love  and  its  requirements. 

Yet,  he  who  loves  will  spend  lavishly  on  his  loved  one — will  work 
even  his  fingers’  ends  off  to  obviate  the  need  of  her  doing.  Hence, 
how  many  fond  husbands  support  their  wives  in  a style  of  living 
quite  above  their  means,  and  of  course  fail.  And  how  easily  loved 
wife  and  daughters  can  coax  indulgent  husband  and  father  to  spend 
more  on  dresses,  parties,  and  “style”  than  can  be  afforded?  And 
how  many  work  like  slaves  at  counter  in  business,  to  indulge  their 
families,  yet  keep  from  failing  ? 

Woman,  too,  is  rendered  both  industrious  and  frugal  by  love.  How 
many  extravagant  girls  become  economical  housekeepers?  Before 
they  love  they  refuse  to  do  the  least  work;  whereas,  prompted  and 
instructed  by  love,  they  easily  learn  to  cook  and  sew,  even  to  wash 
and  bake,  and  do  gladly  ten  thousand  things  which  nothing  but  love 
could  induce  them  to  attempt ; while  industrious  girls,  by  overwork 
and  pinching  economy,  often  gather  together  articles  required  for 
housekeeping.  Yet  let  even  an  economical  woman  be  unhappily 
married,  and  she  cares  not  for  her  husband’s  property,  except  as  far 
as  it  enables  her  to  dress  splendidly  and  live  in  style.  Nor  is  there 
any  accounting  for  the  lavish,  almost  culpable,  wastefulness  of  many 
women,  but  in  and  by  their  heartlessness.  Their  affections  starved, 
their  whole  being  must  starve,  unless,  perchance,  they  can  find  a poor 
substitute  in  the  gaudy  trappings  of  fashionable  life.  Neither  man 
nor  woman  “can  serve  two  masters” — husband  and  fashion;  “'for 
either  they  will  hate  the  one  and  neglect  the  other,”  or  “ cleave  to  the 
one  and  forsake  the  other.”  And  rest  assured  that  she  who  is  devoted 
to  fashion  is  not,  can  not  be,  to  family.  Her  heart  is  not  in  the  right 
place.  Behold  in  this,  in  a thousand  other  ways,  how  much  the  love 
sentiment  incites  both  Acquisitiveness  and  intellect  to  industry  and 
material  prosperity  ! 

Said  a woman,  on  deciding  not  to  marry  the  man  she  loved:  “I 
mean  now  just  to  set  my  cap  for  some  rich  fellow,  merely  to  get  the 
means  of  living  in  splendor.  I must  have  some  life-motive,  or  die. 
If  I could  live  in  love  with  the  man  I loved,  I would  not  care  how 
humble  the  style;  but,  denied  that,  I will  captivate  and  marry  the 
means  of  gayety  and  display.” 


OVER  8EC  RE riYENESS  AND  CAUTIOUSNESS. 


97 


Describing  a woman  who  had  large  Acquisitiveness  as  economical 
and  industrious,  her  husband  responded  : u Perfectly  correct  in  all 
but  her  economy.  Instead,  she  is  really  extravagant  and  wasteful.77 
She  did  not  love  him.  His  money  was  nothing  to  her,  except  to 
spend.  What  incentive  to  economy  had  she  ? “ Support  me,”  is 

the  practical  language  of  discordant  wedlock  • whereas,  u Let  us  lay 
up  something  to  enjoy  hereafter,77  is  that  of  affection.  The  differ- 
ence is  amazing. 

Young  men,  one  special  word  with  you.  Many  think  to  work  and 
save  on,  postponing  marriage  till  they  have  acquired  enough  property 
to  support  a wife  in  style.  This  is  a fatal  error.  In  order  to  enjoy  a 
fortune  with  a wife,  it  is  absolutely  necessary  that  she  help  earn  it. 
It  is  not  the  ordinance  of  nature  that  young  persons  should  start  life 
rich,  but  that  they  earn  what  they  have.  And  both  husband  and 
wife  should  share  together  any  mutual  plans  and  efforts  to  acquire 
them  property.  This  alone  can  give  full  zest  to  the  mutual  luxuries 
purchased  by  their  mutual  earnings. 

20.  LOVE  ENHANCES  OR  DEADENS  SECRETIVENESS  AND  CAUTIOUSNESS. 

Does  not  love  naturally  render  its  subjects  reserved?  How  recluse 
young,  lovers  ? Struggling  with  intense  emotion,  they  yet  struggle  to 
hide  their  passion.  Especially  does  woman  often  conceal,  sometimes 
even  deny,  her  rising  attachment,  and  say  and  do  what  would  indicate 
aversion  instead  of  preference.  And  how  often  is  a bashful  beau 
utterly  unable  to  express  or  show  what  he  feels  ? And,  when  lovers 
come  to  understand  and  begin  to  reciprocate  love,  do  they  not  desire 
to  be  together  alone  in  groves  or  by-paths  ? And,  if  they  tell  their 
love  to  outsiders,  is  it  not  always  with  an  injunction  of  secresy  ? 
Who  ever  popped  the  question77  before  folks  ? 

Nor  does  or  can  anything  awaken  cautiousness  to  as  high  a pitch  as 
love.  How  intensely  anxious  each  loving  party  to  please  and  gain 
the  other’s  love?  How  fearful,  even  agonizingly  so,  lest  they  dis- 
please their  loved  one,  and  how  intense  the  anxieties  consequent  on 
making  a final  choice  ? You,  adult  reader,  have  had  many  anxious 
thoughts  and  hours ; but  what  solicitude  as  deep  as  that  to  awaken 
love  in  return,  or  decide  whether  you  would  chose  this  one  or  that  as 
a life-partner  ? And  if  a young  woman  ever  needs  advice  and  wis- 
dom, it  is  in  deciding  as  to  the  best  resting-place  for  her  affections. 
Get  it,  damsel,  from  the  lips  of  father  and  mother.  Add  parental 
■wisdom  and  counsel  to  youthful  affection.  And,  parents,  see  that 
you  advise  in  wisdom,  not  in  prejudice. 

And  how  choice,  precious,  to  be  protected  as  our  richest  treasure, 

5 


98 


POWER  OF  THE  LOVE  ELEMENT 


the  one  we  love  ? u Dear  girl,  you  will  get  wet,  and  catch  cold ; let 
me  throw  my  coat  around  you,”  says  the  young  lover,  as  he,  exposing 
himself  to  the  pelting  storm,  would  throw  his  coat  around  her  delicate 
form.  “ No,  dear ) you  need  it  more  than  I ; your  health  is  the  most 
important,”  is  her  cautionary  reply.  How  tender,  careful,  watchful, 
and  solicitous  are  men  of  the  female  they  love  ? And  women  of  their 
idolized  lord  ? Always  giving  him  advice,  counsel,  cautionary  sug- 
gestions, which  should  be  received  as  marks  of  affection,  not  as  dis- 
trusting his  judgment.  Caution  is  a natural  concomitant  of  love. 
None  can  love  without  it. 

And  how  most  agonizing  the  fear  that  loved  one  may  die,  or  is  in 
danger  of  life  or  limb?  How  much  more  so  the  fear  of  disappointing 
affection  once  gained  ? And  how  many  young  wives,  their  own  love 
most  intense,  literally  quake  with  fear  from  day  to  day,  and  month  to 
month,  lest  unintentionally  they  might  do  something  to  lessen  his  love 
or  unconsciously  offend — a fear  which  often  even  causes  offenses 
which  would  not  otherwise  have  transpired.  Young  wives,  do  not 
allow  these  fears.  They  only  increase  the  danger. 

21.  APPROBATIVENESS  QUICKENED  BY  LOVE. 

Are  not  insect  and  bird,  turkey  and  peacock,  chattering  goose  and 
crowing  rooster,  arrayed  in  their  most  gorgeous  robes  when  making 
love  ? And  what  is  the  whole  floral  process,  so  exquisitely  beauti- 
ful, but  a celebration  of  their  nuptials  ? All  floral  beauty,  then,  is 
but  the  offspring  of  love. 

So  with  man,  only  more  so.  Of  all  the  things  in  all  this  world  of 
' ch  any  human  being  can  ever  be  proud,  we  are  by  far  the  most  so 
«.n  him  or  her  beloved. 

See  that  young  miss,  tickled  to  death  that  she  has  a beau,  take  him 
s.11  round,  introducing  him  to  every  acquaintance  she  has,  and  some 
bao  has  not,  so  proud  to  show  how  praiseworthy  a conquest  she  has 
made.  And  of  all  the  things  under  the  sun  of  which  a woman  can 
possibly  be  proud,  she  is  by  far  the  most  so  of  gallant  attentions  be- 
stowed on  her  by  him  she  loves,  because  they  are  public  testimonials 
of  bis  esteem  for  her.  They  please  her  Approbativeness.  Let  that 
haughty  fashionable  be  proud  of  her  rich  dress,  her  flowing  robes, 
her  brilliant  diamonds,  her  handsome  figure,  or  even  her  feminine 
graces  and  accomplishments,  she  hardly  knows  what  pride  means, 
in  comparison  with  her  who  is  proud  of  the  man  she  loves,  and 
who  loves  her — of  his  portly  figure,  his  polished  manners,  his 
nobleness  of  spirit,  his  moral  tone  or  unflinching  integrity  in  times 
of  trial,  or  of  his  commanding  talents.  Wife,  have  you  such  a hus- 


OVER  PRIDE  OF  CHARACTER. 


99 


band,  you  do  not  need  gaudy  attire  to  swell  your  approbative  senti- 
ment to  its  utmost  proper  bounds.  Ye  only  need  to  flaunt  in  fashion- 
able attire  who  have  not  such  masculine  object  of  pride.  By  as  much 
as  a noble  man  excels  gaudy  trappings,  by  so  much  does  her  pride 
who  loves  and  is  beloved  excel  hers  who  dresses  genteelly,  but  is  not 
beloved.  Pitiable  woman,  she  who  is  proud  only  of  her  dress  ! Her 
pride  is  barrenness.  She  feeds  only  on  husks.  The  peacock  has 
more  to  be  proud  of,  for  his  beauties  are  natural  ] hers  only  bought. 
And  if  women  were  but  proud  of  affectionate  consorts,  would  they  thus 
run  tandem  after  these  foolish  milliner  fixings  ? Nor  is  there  any 
greater  sign  that  a woman  is  not  proud  of  his  love,  than  that  she  is 
proud  of  her  dress.  Dressy  women  little  realize  what  a practical  tale 
of  affectional  barrenness  their  devotion  to  dress  proclaims,  namely, 
that  they  havemothing  else  to  be  proud  of. 

In  fact,  the  very  end  and  object  of  this  dress  is  to  elicit  the  admira- 
tion and  affection  of  men.  What  other  do  they,  can  they  have  ? 
Every  woman  whose  love  is  completely  satisfied,  is  satisfied  in  her 
pride.  Her  loved  husband  praises  her,  and  that  suffices.  She  wants 
no  other,  no  more.  And  if  she  dresses,  it  is  to  gratify  his  pride,  not 
hers.  But  suspect  that  woman  of  unsatisfied  love  who  is  all  devotion 
to  fashion.  The  heart’s  core  of  her  pride  is  dissatisfied,  and  hence 
her  restless  craving  after  praise  from  others,  which  she  seeks  to  gain 
by  gaudy  furbelows.  And  this  stuck-up  aristocracy — this  codfish, 
cotton,  mushroom  aristocracy — this  Nippy,  Miss  Nancy,  aristocracy — 
this  dirty  dollar  aristocracy — this  Miss  Flora  McFlimsy  of  Madison 
Square  aristocracy,  which  is  the  great  rage  and  ruin  of  society — is  it 
not  consequent  mainly  on  unsatisfied  love  ? Deprived  of  the  higher, 
legitimate,  pure  objects  of  pride,  they  take  up  with  sensuous,  material 
objects.  Or,  reduced  to  syllogism,  is  stated  thus  : 1st.  Woman  is  con- 
fessedly the  chief  center  of  aristocracy  in  all  its  forms,  phases,  and 
follies.  2d.  Woman  desires  first  and  most  to  elicit  the  praise  and  ad- 
miration of  men,  as  a means  of  gaining  their  affections.  3d.  There- 
fore those  who  already  have  the  masculine  affection  they  desire,  do  not 
resort  to  fashionable  dress  in  order  to  awaken  more  and  other  affec- 
tions, because  both  pride  and  affection  are  already  perfectly  at  rest. 
And  we  defy  the  world  to  invalidate  this  syllogism  in  fact  or  theory. 

Man,  too,  is  equally  proud  of  the  woman  he  loves.  Walking  arm 
in  arm,  her  womanly  face  and  figure,  her  charms,  and  the  admiration 
they  awaken,  are  but  feathers  in  his  cap — he  practically  saying, 
*c  Just  see  what  a fine  woman  I have  selected,  and  been  able  to  win  !” 
And  how  he  exults  when  she  commends  him  ! Nothing  can  begin  to 
feast  a man’s  Approbativeness  as  can  and  do  marks  of  regard,  com- 


100 


POWER  OF  THE  LOVE  ELEMENT 


pliments,  commendations  from  the  woman  he  loves.  For  nothing 
else  will  an  ambitious  man  work  as  for  this.  And  why  do  lovers, 
one  and  all,  involuntarily  compliment  each  other  ? Why  beaux  al- 
ways praising,  often  actually  flattering,  the  ladies,  but  because  love 
naturally  elicits  Approbativeness  — both  praises  and  loves  to  be 
praised  by  ? But,  does  love  ever  mention  a fault  to  the  one  loved,  or 
to  others?  She  who  loves  is  always  hiding,  extenuating,  excusing 
foibles,  even  vices.  And  he  who  unmasks  his  wife’s  delinquencies, 
shortcomings,  in  company,  does  not  love  her.  Nor  does  anything 
kill  love  stone  dead  as  quickly,  as  effectually  as  blame.  Appro- 
bativeness reversed  by  Combativeness,  reverses  love.  No  husband 
should  ever  try  to  obviate  a wife’s  fault,  or  wife  a husband’s,  by  cen- 
sure, for  this  always  invariably,  by  virtue  of  the  very  constitution  of 
the  human  mind,  alienates.  It  is  to  love  what  frost  is  to  the  tender 
vine.  It  palsies,  it  wilts,  it  kills.  Hence,  all  scolding,  all  fault- 
finding even,  is  absolutely  incompatible  with  affection.  As  much  so 
as  cold  with  heat.  Those  who  love  instinctively  avoid  it  as  fire. 
This  is  not  the  way  the  sexes  should  obviate  each  other’s  faults. 
And  ye  alienated,  go  back  to  the  first  hard  feeling  engendered  between 
you,  the  first  thorn  in  your  side.  Was  it  not  thrust  in  by  some  fault 
found  by  one  or  the  other,  or  both  ? And  ye  who  would  re-enkindle 
lost  affection,  seal  your  lips  forever  against  censure.  No  blame  ad- 
ministered by  either  sex  ever  made  the  other  one  iota  better.  But 
always  only  worse.  Man  and  woman  were  ordained  in  the  nature  of 
things  to  improve  each  other  by  praise , not  blame.  And  what  is 
scolding  but  blame  ? Woman,  anxious  to  secure  your  husband’s  love, 
never  allow  one  sentence  of  censure  to  escape  your  lips.  Praise 
where  you  can,  but  leave  the  rest  unsaid.  And  blame  in  and  by  act 
is  quite  as  deadening  to  love  as  by  word.  All  conduct  which  implies 
censure  necessarily  and  always  alienates.  Lead  by  praise,  not  drive 
by  whip  ; coax  as  a shepherd  his  herd.  But,  more  of  this  hereafter. 
Till  then  remember  the  mental  law  in  which  this  advice  is  based. 

And,  of  all  the  things  which  humble  a man,  render  him  downcast, 
spiritless,  crestfallen,  mortified,  and  unable  to  hold  up  his  head  among 
men  at  home  or  abroad,  that  inflicted  by  the  disreputable  conduct  of 
his  wife  is  the  most  intolerable.  A man  may  indeed  bear  reproach 
for  his  own  wrong-doings,  but  not  on  account  of  his  wife’s.  Reproach 
his  wife  even  justly,  and  if  he  has  one  remaining  spark  of  love  for 
her,  his  wrath  will  boil  up  and  boil  over.  Nothing  equally  provokes. 
And  a loving  wife,  too,  becomes  almost  a maniac  in  view  of  any  dis- 
grace heaped  on  her  husband.  And,  if  she  finds  it  deserved,  she  gives 
up  more  humbled  than  anything  else  could  humble  her. 


OVER-SELF-RESPECT. 


101 


A dentist  near  New  Bedford,  twenty  years  ago,  wrote  me  thus: 
“You  are  now  boarding  where  my  wife  also  boards.  I would  give 
the  world  to  regain  her  lost  affection.  Will  you  do  me  this  greatest 
of  favors — ascertain  from  her  what  I have  done  to  alienate  her  love  ? 
And  what  I can  do  or  suffer,  for  I will  do  and  suffer  anything,  to 
regain  it.”  On  catechising  her,  she  answered : u He  lacks  sense,  yet 
is  very  forward  in  company,  and  says  many  ridiculous  things,  which 
raise  a laugh  at  his  expense,  but  which  he  ascribes  to  his  smartness. 
And  I never  can  or  will  appear  in  society,  or  live  as  a wife  with  a laugh- 
ing-stock.” I made  no  reconciliatory  effort.  It  was  a gone  case.  In 
short,  all  women  seek,  live  in,  live  for,  the  approbation  of  man.  And 
men  in  and  for  the  favorable  estimation  of  woman.  And  each  does, 
becomes  what  awakens  it.  Its  power  is  absolute — so  powerfully 
does  Amativeness  elicit  or  wither  Approbativeness — does  a right  state 
of  the  affections  elate,  a wrong,  crush. 

22.  LOVE  INCREASES  SELF-ESTEEM. 

So,  too,  self-respect,  the  natural  product  of  Self-Esteem,  is  en- 
hanced immeasurably  by  a right  state  of  love.  Let  a man  but  feel 
that  he  is  loved  by  a woman  he  loves,  and  he  estimates  himself  the 
higher  because  she  esteems  him.  She  tells  him  he  is  adequate  to 
begin  undertakings,  and  he  believes  her.  She  values  him — this  makes 
him  value  himself.  He  offers  his  arm — she  confidingly  accepts.  Does 
he  not  step  off  with  more  masculine  dignity  and  power  after  than 
before  ? And  why  ? Because,  has  he  not  a valued  woman  under  his 
protection,  bearing  practical  testimony  to  his  martial  power  by  plac- 
ing herself  under  his  wing  ? 

Nor  is  any  man  duly  esteemed  in  society  till  he  is  married.  At 
least,  engaged.  The  “ old  bachelor”  is  deservedly  a by- word,  because 
it  implies  masculine  inferiority  or  inertia.  And  most  wonderfully, 
more  than  by  anything  else,  is  a man  really  and  truly  elevated  in  his 
manners,  style,  morals,  everything,  by  the  commendation  of  his  sexual 
mate.  Yet  nothing  will  awake  a feeling  of  self-degradation — as  if  he 
were  good  for  nothing,  and  cared  naught  what  became  of  himself,  a 
willingness  even  to  fairly  throw  himself  away  on  any  sensuous  plea- 
sures, and  the  more  the  better — equally  with  disappointed  love.  And 
the  recklessness  of  many  a disappointed  youth  and  married  man  will 
be  found  consequent  on  blasted  love  blasting  all  self-valuation.  A 
woman  on  whose  favor  he  doted  casts  him  off,  and  he  now  casts  oft 
himself.  Woman,  you  little  realize  the  absolute  power  you  wield 
over  man,  to  build  up  or  break  down  his  self-respect,  that  basis  of  all 
respect.  And  no  small  part  of  the  low-lived  sensuality,  the  -self- 


102 


POWER  OF  THE  LOVE  ELEMENT 


abasement  of  our  men  and  women,  married  and  single,  is  consequent 
on  a prior  blight  to  their  affections.  Nor  would  or  could  anything  on 
earth  do  as  much  incalculably  to  elevate  individuals  and  society,  and 
raise  humanity  upon  a higher,  loftier  ascending  moral  and  intellectual 
plane,  as  a right  state  of  the  affections. 

I 23.  LOVE  INCREASES  OR  DEADENS  FIRMNESS. 

I 

To  gain  the  affections  of  a woman  he  idolizes,  a man  will  persevere 
more  untiringly,  surmount  obstacles  with  more  fortitude,  and  labor 
more  assiduously  than  to  attain  any  other  end  or  object  of  life.  Yet 
there  is  a point  beyond  which  he  may  not  properly  press  his  suit — 
when  Firmness  must  yield.  Let  those  who  have  defied  the  difficulties 
and  dangers  of  the  briny  deep,  who  have  gone  South  to  make  their 
fortunes,  in  the  face  of  all  the  diseases  and  prostrations  of  climate, 
who  have  dug  California  gold  by  the  year,  half  starved,  half  clothed, 
bereft  of  most  civilized  comforts  and  all  luxuries,  who  by  a thousand 
like  ways  have  attested  their  love  in  most  superhuman  determination 
and  sacrifice,  that  they  might  marry  and  bless  the  object  of  their  love, 
but  attest  how  potent  the  stimulant  Amativeness  furnishes  to  Firm- 
ness. 

But,  love  reversed,  Firmness  is  unstrung.  The  broken-hearted  can 
be  led  anywhere,  tempted  every  way,  with  unresisting  compliance. 

24.  CONSCIENTIOUSNESS  ENLIVENED  BY  LOVE. 

Reader,  have  you  ever  loved  ? Then  bear  this  sacred  witness,  that 
in  and  by  the  very  act  and  fact  of  loving,  you  were  elevated  morally, 
and  your  disposition  to  do  right  vastly  increased  thereby.  Did  not 
this  sacred  sentiment  place  you  upon  a higher  moral  platform  than 
you  occupied  before  ? Did  it  not  assuage  your  groveling  passions, 
purify  your  desires,  and  enkindle  aspirations  for  a higher  moral  life  ? 
And  have  you  never  seen  even  bad  men  reformed  by  its  power,  so  as 
to  become  good,  and  good  made  better  ? We  will  not  attempt  to  com- 
pare the  moralizing  power  of  love  with  religion — to  say  which  is  most 
efficient  in  rendering  the  bad  good,  and  good  better;  but  this  we  do 
say,  that  no  bad  man  can  be  found  who  is  in  a happy  state  of  the 
affections,  for  that  state  would  render  the  very  worst  of  men  good,  and 
the  very  brigand  an  excellent  citizen.  It  will  reform  and  moralize 
one  and  all.  I never  knew  but  one  criminal  who  loved  his  wife,  and 
he  robbed  the  post-office  that  he  might  gratify  her  love  of  display. 
Most  criminals  are  badly  married,  or  not  married  at  all.  If  all  were 
happily  mated,  to  the  full  satisfaction  of  the  love  element,  not  one 
criminal  lawyer,  judge,  jury,  jailer,  State’s  prison,  or  gallows  would 


OVER  CONSCIENCE  AND  HOPE. 


10S 


ever  be  required,  for  scarcely  a crime  would  be  perpetrated.  And 
what  cause  of  drinking  as  potent  as  unsettled  love?  For  it  throws 
all  the  faculties  into  a craving,  hankering,  voracious,  half-crazed  state, 
of  which  alcohol  is  the  expression  and  natural  food.  Those  who  love 
trip  lightly  homeward  the  moment  their  day’s  task  is  done  • and  their 
tempter — hideous  monster — if  he  dare  look  in,  dares  not  enter.  But, 
let  ever  so  good  men  and  women  be  unhappy  in  their  affections,  and 
even  if  they  do  not  stray,  they  are  desperately  tempted.  And  all 
honor  if  they  resist.  To  be  pitied  more  than  blamed  for  their  sins 
those  whose  love  is  suffering  a blight,  for  that  fact  deteriorates  this 
moral  tone  and  reinflames  their  animal  passions,  besides  irritating 
the  nervous  system,  and  thus  begets  passional  cravings.  Behold 
the  mighty  moral  influence  of  the  family  over  the  morals  of  both 
parents  and  children  ! Is  it  not  all  due  to  the  love  element  ? Has  it 
not  sexuality  as  its  base?  For  how  could  we  have  the  family  with- 
out sex,  any  more  than  sight  without  eyes  ? And  the  stronger  this 
sexuality,  the  more  potent  the  moral  power  it  wields.  Blot  it  out, 
and  little  would  remain  of  the  power  even  of  religion  as  a moralizing 
agent.  While  this  doctrine  does  not  underrate  religion,  it  does  not, 
can  not,  overrate  the  virtue-promoting  powers  of  love.  Would  that 
even  the  religious  minister  appreciated  it  as  a moral  lever,  and  taught 
its  promotion  in  order  to  promote  righteousness. 

25.  INFLUENCE  OF  LOVE  ON  HOPE  AND  DESPAIR. 

“Man  never  is , but  always  to  be  blessed.”— Pope. 

To  the  youthful  mind,  just  opening  out  upon  life,  and  quaffing  iis 
variegated  pleasures,  what  one  surpasses,  at  all  equals,  that  of  hope  ! 
But  hope  of  what  renders  the  expectant  youth  as  really  ecstatic,  wb  ^ 
literally  transports  as  does  the  expectation  of  gaining  the  heart  and 
hand  of  one  beloved  ? And  to  what  other  kind  of  future  pleasure  does 
humanity  look  forward  with  a tithe  as  much  anticipation  as  to  the 
joys  expected  in  their  prospective  union  ? “ Now,  if  I can  only 

succeed  in  winning  the  affections  of  that  dear  girl,  my  fortune  is 
made  in  very  deed,”  thinks  a tender-hearted  swain.  How  bliss- 
ful ! Our  future  union  will  render  me  so  inexpressibly  happy  !” 
And  so  it  does,  till  love  is  chilled.  Said  a young  lady,  talking 
of  a former  lover  : u I can  not  help  hoping  I shall  yet  marry  my 
George;  and  if  I should,  oh  how  superlatively  happy  I shall  be! 
— so  happy,  that  I shall  not  want  even  to  go  to  heaven,  because  happy 
enough  on  earth,  but  want  to  live  always.”  Hope  of  neither  prop- 
erty nor  fame,  of  neither  attainments  nor  possessions,  of  nothing  else 
whatever  elates  the  human  soul  as  does  an  anticipated  marriage  with 


104 


POWER  OF  THE  LOVE  ELEMENT 


one  beloved.  Testify,  ye  who  have  loved,  was  not  this  description 
more  than  verified  in  your  own  delightful  experience? 

And  ye  who  have  been  disappointed  as  to  speculations,  property,  or 
any  other  cherished  hopes,  and  likewise  in  love,  did  not  your  love 
disappointment  fall  on  you  with  a far  more  crushing  weight  than  all 
others  united  ? Would  you  not  prefer  success  here  with  disappoint- 
ment everywhere  else,  to  disappointment  here  with  success  everywhere 
else  ? Let  loss  follow  loss  in  quick  succession,  till  all  other  hopes 
are  stricken  down,  and  lovers  will  console  each  other  with,  “ Well, 
since  our  love  remains,  since  we  are  spared  to  each  other,  and  can 
love  on,  struggle  on  together,  what  matters  it?”  Adversity  with  love 
is  better  than  prosperity  with  hatred. 

But  let  the  love  hopes  perish,  and  what  else  remains?  Let  a 
woman  live  in  every  assurance  of  a prospective  fortune,  with  all  its 
honors  and  luxuries — of  anything,  of  everything  else  whatsoever — 
but  let  the  frosts  of  disappointment  nip  the  opening  buds  of  her  affec- 
tions, and  she  yields  to  unmitigated  despair.  This  gone,  all  is  gone. 
And  oh,  how  cheerless  and  hopeless,  how  utterly  crushed  out,  that 
wife  who,  married  unhappily,  looks  forward  only  to  a life  of  unre- 
quited love  ! She  feels  as  if  the  last  bud  were  plucked  from  the  rose- 
bush of  her  future  anticipation,  there  remaining  only  the  sere  and 
yellow  leaf  of  autumn,  and  the  leaflessness  and  dreariness  of  winter. 

A man  of  splendid  natural  talents,  having  a magnificent  head,  one 
of  nature’s  noblemen,  said  : u Let  me  accompany  you  to  the  cars. 
Ride  there  with  me.”  We  started.  Opening  his  large  but  moist 
eyes,  he  began  : u You  have  just  described  myself,  wife,  and  children 
phrenologically.  You  touched  off  graphically  those  traits  which  ren- 
dered it  impossible  for  me  to  live  affectionately  with  her.  I married 
in  the  highest  hopes  and  utmost  assurance  of  a happy  life.  Ten  days 
after,  I woke  as  from  a dream — to  the  terrible  consciousness  that  there 
existed  between  us  no  mutual  affinity,  only  mutual  disgust.^  My 
life  was  spoiled.  I have  been  good  for  nothing  ever  since.  Before,  I 
was  rising  in  the  world  * since,  I have  been  sinking.  Before,  life  was 
all  buoyancy ; since,  it  has  been  all  one  sullen  calm.  Before,  I 
longed  to  live  ; since,  I have  craved  to  die.  I am  undone  !”  And 
fear  and  despair  blurred  his  vision  as  he  continued  : c*  Before,  my 
hopes,  plans,  prospects  were  bright,  exhilarating.  This  blight  blasted 
all.  I had  no  heart  even  to  try.  Could  not  go  into  company,  because 
I could  neither  play  the  hypocrite  nor  bear  to  expose  my  misfortune 

* She  was  miserably  sexed.  Amativeness  was  small,  and  that  assimilating,  blending 
element  it  creates,  weak.  She  could  neither  love  nor  elicit  love,  because  barren  in 
the  love  element.4  5 He  had  married  a cold,  heartless  thing 


TO  QUICKEN  AND  CRUSH  HOPE. 


105 


to  others.  I had  labored  with  might  and  main  for  house,  furniture, 
and  creature-comforts  before  marriage,  in  the  highest  expectations  of 
domestic  happiness.  All  now  suddenly  fled.  A cold  chill  and  mental 
numb-palsy  supervened.  I have  since  done  barely  business  enough 
to  live  along.  I care  to  do  no  more.  Ambition  fled  with  hope.  My 
most  burning  intensity  for  this,  that,  the  other,  was  suddenly  quenched. 
Intensely  desirous  of  having  a growing  group  of  happy  children  I 
could  call  mine,  yet  religiously  believing  the  great  majority  of  human 
souls  were  pre-ordained  to  suffer  eternal  torment,  I could  neither  run 
so  great  a risk,  nor  call  children  mine  by  so  poor  a mother.  Thus 
perished  ten  tedious  years  of  life’s  parental  heyday.  My  Calvinistic 
doctrines  changed.  But  I could  hope  for  only  poor,  miserable  chil- 
dren by  such  a mother.  You  have  examined  all  three.  Your  ex- 
amination did  not  encourage  me.  It  could  not.  You  said  they  were 
inferior.  They  are  so.  I own  it.  Such  a nfo-union  could  produce 
nothing  better.  They  promise  hardly  mediocrity  * Conscious  of 
superior  natural  endowments,  I have  let  my  hands  hang  down  in 
listless  indifference,  merely  drifting  with  the  current.  I have  tried 
my  best,  but  all  in  vain,  to  awaken  in  her  something,  if  only  a straw, 
to  save  my  drowning  hopes.  For  instance:  Lately  my  children  had 
been  fired  up  with  the  idea  of  taking  part  in  a public  exhibition  of 
their  school.  They  teased  pa  to  go.  I said,  ‘ Yes,  we  will  take 
mother,  and  have  a happy  jubilee.’  I proposed  it  in  my  handsomest 
manner  to  her.  Children,  delighted,  chimed  in  with  their  persuasions. 
Wife  consented,  and  seemed  pleased.  %w,’  said  I to  myself.  £ we 
will  have  at  least  one  happy  family  amusement.’  But  she  soon 
began  to  object.  At  last,  refused  to  go.  This  broke  the  spell.  I 
went  with  children.  They  enjoyed  it,  but  kept  saying,  ‘ Wish  mother 
was  here.  Pa,  why  didn’t  she  come  too  ?’  Thus  far,  since  marriage, 
my  life  has  been  a perfect  blank.  I expect  nothing  in  the  future. 
You  ascribed  to  me  great  energy,  ambition,  and  power  to  plan  and 
think.  I am  conscious  of  possessing  all  that  you  ascribed  to  me  by 
nature,  but  not  in  practice.  Now,  what  shall  I,  can  I do  ? Try  on, 
of  give  up,  and  lie  down  and  wait  to  die  ? I would  commit  suicide 
to-day— would  throw  myself  on  the  railroad  track,  just  before  that 
rushing  engine,  but  that  I will  not  entail  on  my  children  and  friends 
the  disgrace  that  their  father  and  relative  committed  suicide.” 

Poor  man  ! A noble  ship  without  her  masts  ! A soaring  eagle 
with  clipped  wings  ! And  lead  tied  to  his  claws  ! A proud  stag 
without  antlers  or  feet  ! A noble  man  wrecked  ! In  very  deed, 

* During  the  examination  1 had  expressed  astonishment  that  they  fell  so  far  below 
their  r 'ar^i-dly  father,  ascribing  the  cause  to  maternal  inanity  and  depression. 


106 


POWER  OF  THE  LOVE  ELEMENT 


“ good  for  nothing”  to  himself  or  the  world  ! Are  there  no  others  ? Has 
he  no  brothers  and  sisters  in  sorrow  and  disappointment  ? The  woe- 
begone facial  expression  of  oh  ! how  many,  perhaps  of  your  own,  too, 
and  especially  of  married  women,  proclaim  a life  blighting  of  hope, 
of  spirit — a vacuity,  an  inanity,  such  only  as  blighted  love  can  in- 
duce. Few  realize  from  what  fountain  run  their  own,  much  less 
others’,  crushing  discouragement.  It  is  from  disappointed  love. 

u But  why  tantalize  us  by  depicting  our  hopeless  wretchedness  ?” 
say  some. 

Wait  a little.  A brighter  page  will  soon  unfold.  Fortunately,  how- 
ever, the  majority  at  least  of  men  drown  their  connubial  disappoint- 
ments in  business,  which  accounts  for  that  incessant  drive,  drive, 
drive,  early  and  late,  year  in  and  year  out,  which  many  men  evince. 
If  happy  at  home,  they  would  spend  fewer  hours  in  the  counting- 
house — would  not  have  so  much  business  out  evenings.  Yet,  better 
business  than  nothing.  But  they  must  do  something,  or  die  of  sheer 
inanity.  And  better  business  than  nothing.  Or  vicious  amusements. 
And  this  social  desperation  rouses  Combativeness,  and  renders  them 
all  the  more  indomitable  and  grasping — anything  to  fill  the  vacuity 
of  disappointment.  But  it  also  renders  them  stern,  rough,  obstinate, 
cold,  and  selfish,  and,  while  it  increases  their  power,  it  diminishes 
that  softness  necessary  to  sanctify  it. 

And  are  there  no  women  who,  desolate  at  heart,  attempt  to  supply  the 
place  of  blighted  love-hopes  by  the  frivolities  and  splendors  of  fashion  ? 
But,  how  futile  the  effort  ! Still,  better  this  than  despairing  inanity. 

But,  if  business  or  fashion  were  all,  the  evil  would  be  slight  as 
compared  with  what  it  now  is.  How  many,  oh  ! how  many  mascu- 
line vices  and  feminine  frailties  result  from  this  very  social  despair  ! 
Finding  no  heart-rest  at  home,  they  seek  in  grop-shop  and  gambling- 
saloon,  and  other  haunts  of  infamy,  carnal  gratifications  they  would 
never  crave,  would  even  shrink  from,  if  happy  in  love. 


26.  SPIRITUALITY  ENKINDLED  BY  LOVE. 

Does  not  love  create  a certain  ethereal,  elated,  ecstatic  feeling — a 
feeling  not  of  this  world,  but  of  another?  As  if  we  hardly  knew 
whether  we  were  in  the  body  or  out  of  the  body.  Testify,  ye  who 
have  ever  loved,  whether  it  did  not  spiritualize  every  exercise  of  all 
your  faculties  ? A very  highly  organized  woman  becomes,  as  it 
were,  a prophetess  to  him  she  loves.  Is  any  course  likely  to  prove 
disastrous,  she  foresees  the  disaster  by,  as  it  were,  a spiritual  intuition, 
and  sounds  her  note  of  alarm.  Or,  if  she,  guided  by  internal  pre- 
sentiments, feels  that  a given  course  is  best,  best  it  is.  So  that  he 


OVER  THE  RELIGIOUS  SENTIMENTS. 


10T 


who  has  a fine-grained  and  loving  wife  has  a sure  guide  in  all  the 
little,  in  all  the  great  affairs  of  life.  A sort  of  guardian-angel,  to  fore- 
warn of  danger,  and  point  out  the  path  of  safety — a possession  truly 
invaluable.  But  those  who  hate,  never  experience  either  these  ecstatic 
feelings  or  internal  premonitions.  This  same  spirituality  is  also  a 
natural  guide  in  making  a right  selection — of  which  in  its  place. 
And  that  union  of  spirit,  though  separated  in  body,  already  described, 
is  due  mainly  to  spirituality  being  re-increased  by  love. 

27*  VENERATION  ENKINDLED  OR  DEADENED  BY  LOVE. 

Even  the  atheist  who  truly  loves  will  involuntarily  invoke  Divine 
guardianship  in  behalf  of  her  he  loves.  And  it  is  when  the  devout 
worshiper  bows  before  the  family  altar,  thanking  God  for  past  bless- 
ings, and  supplicating  their  continuance,  that  his  veneration  raises  its 
highest  orisons  of  gratitude,  of  prayer,  of  praise.  Phrenology  sanc- 
tions family  worship.  It  is  but  the  confluent  action  of  Veneration  and 
the  loves.  And  no  small  part  of  the  church-going  of  mankind  is  due 
to  the  family.  Men  would  not  contribute  a tithe  as  much  to  religion 
as  now,  but  that  they  would  fain  provide  a place  where  they  can  go  to 
meeting  with  their  families.  Ye  who  have  ever  loved,  testify,  did 
not  love  infinitely  intensify  worship  ? And  despair  in  love  breed  in- 
fidel feelings  ? Make  you  almost  feel  to  “ curse  God  and  die  ?” 


28.  BENEVOLENCE  ENHANCED  BY  LOVE,  BUT  HARDENED  BY 
DISAPPOINTMENT. 

Are  not  those  who  love  each  other  ever  and  forever  offering  them- 
selves up  upon  the  altar  of  each  other’s  happiness  ? And  so  far  from 
feeling  it  a task  to  do  for  each  other,  it  is  but  their  highest  pleasure. 
Nothing  yields  the  human  soul  greater  happiness  than  contributing 
to  the  happiness  of  one  beloved.  All  mating  animals  are  one  round 
of  mutual  kindness.  And  what  superhuman  endurance  of  fatigue,  of 
sleeplessness,  of  privation  and  suffering,  such  as  human  nature  could 
not  possibly  endure  but  for  the  inspirations  of  love,  do  fond  wives 
evince  around  the  sick  beds  of  their  husbands  ! It  is  but  love’s 
natural  free-will  offering.  Does  his  loved  one  express  a want,  cost  it 
what  it  may  in  exertion,  in  dollars,  is  he  not  but  too  happy  to  procure 
it  ? Is  not  indulgence  but  the  natural  language  of  love  ? And  that 
churl  who  begrudges  his  wife  this  or  that  luxury,  be  it  even  a whi 
does  not  love,  for  love  would  say,  11  Wife,  I am  so  glad  that  v 
And  that  it  is  in  my  power  to  gratify  that  wish. 
e I can  do  for  you.”  If  she  must  bake  or  wash, 
l and  water  ? 


108 


POWER  OE  THE  LOVE  ELEMENT 


fined  all  day — come,  let  me  mind  our  child  while  you  recreate  a bit  at 
concert  or  lecture.5*  Next  day,  will  she  not  say,  in  return,  u Hus- 
band, can  I provide  any  little  table  luxury  for  you  to-day  ?55  Is  not 
kindness  the  natural  offering  of  affection  ? Can  love  exist  unattended 
by  sympathy  ? Especially  how  natural  for  man  to  supply  every 
possible  little  comfort  to  woman  ! How  much  he  enjoys  bringing 
home  some  dainty  luxury  for  her  palate  ! Some  nice  acquisition  to 
her  wardrobe  ! Some  article  needed  about  the  house  ! Thus  con- 
tinually pouring  forth  his  benevolence  at  her  feet.  And  he  who  does 
not,  does  not  love.  And  she  who  loves  will  reciprocate.13  Will 
strive  to  give  more  than  receive.  And  each  be  so  very  careful  not  to 
wound  the  other’s  feelings.  Nor  does  true  love  ever  tease  or  hector. 

Yet  there  are  husbands  who  furnish  plenty  of  money  and  every 
possible  creature-comfort,  but  omit  affection.  Are  kind,  but  not  fond. 
And  there  are  also  many  wives  who  work  early  and  late,  and  are  the 
kindest  possible,  who  endeavour  to  do  their  whole  duty,  yet  omit 
that  greatest  right  and  kindness  of  all — affection.  Kindness  is  the 
smallest  half.  They  do,  yet  hate.  Far  better  to  love  more,  even 
though  you  do  less. 

And  what  a world  of  unkindness  obtains  between  discordant  hus- 
bands and  wives  ! Husbands  will  often  see  their  wives  struggle  to 
their  very  utmost,  and  slowly  sink  as  they  struggle,  under  burdens 
which  benevolence  could  and  would  lighten  or  wholly  relieve.  And 
the  most  cold-blooded  cruelties  ever  inflicted  by  human  being  on 
humanity,  torturing  out  their  very  life  by  slow  but  agonizing  inches, 
are  often  inflicted  by  hating  husbands  on  hated  wives,  or  hating 
wives  on  hated  husbands. 


“ Earth  hath  no  fiend  like  love  to  hatred  turned, 

Nor  hell  a fury  like  a woman  scorned.” 

When  hatred  supervenes  on  love,  a calloused  spirit  supervenes  on 
tenderness.  Ye  married,  were  ye  not  somewhat  more  obliging  and 
tender  before  marriage  than  since  ? Love  has  declined.  And  with  it 
tenderness.  Rebuild  it,  and  you  restore  kindness.  While  kindness, 
in  like  manner,  rekindles  love.  And,  per  contra,  the  best  way  to  re- 
enkindle love  is  by  kindness  ; for,  by  a law  of  mind  we  come  to  love 
both  those  on  whom  we  bestow,  and  from  whom  we  receive,  kindly 
offices. 

And  does  not  neglect  of  those  we  pretend  to  love  both  prove  our 
hypocrisy  and  kill  their  love  ? Said  a stricken  woman  : “ I loved  my 
husband  with  my  whole  soul.  All  my  interests  were  to  promote  hi 
To  him  I consecrated  every  particle  of  my  strength,  m 
He  fell  sick.  I nursed  him  till  he  began  to  re 


TO  ENHANCE  LOVE  OF  NATURE. 


109 


sick,  consequent  on  over-devotion  to  him.  But.  how  great  the  change  ! 
I could  not  tear  myself  from  his  sick-bed  night  or  day.  He  could  not 
stay  an  hour  by  mine.  His  work  must  needs  be  done,  though  I suffered 
of  neglect.  Now  flashed  the  truth  across  my  mind,  that  he  did  not  love 
me.  Could  not,  or  he  would  not  thus  sacrifice  my  relief  to  his  work. 
My  love  perished.  My  heart  became  hardened.  Desolate,  all  alone 
in  the  world,  another  man,  who  was  kind  to  me,  involuntarily  re- 
awakened my  love.  I tried  to  reinstate  my  love,  hut  in  vain.  I told 
my — to  me — dead  husband  all,  and  confessed,  but  could  not  return. 
And  here  I am,  estranged  by  unkindness.  I would  help  myself,  but 
can  not.  Is  he,  or  am  I,  most  to  blame  ?” 

29.  CONSTRUCTIVENESS,  IDEALITY,  AND  SUBLIMITY  ENHANCED  BY 

LOVE 

And  is  not  Constructiveness  enkindled  by  love  ? Do  not  mated 
birds  build  their  pretty  nests  during  their  honeymoon  ? Or,  could 
they  build  thus  beautifully  or  artistically  unless  inspired  by  love  ? 
Or  how  many  domicils  do  old  bachelors  or  old  maids  build  ? Blot 
out  love,  and  only  rookeries  would  be  built  at  all.  Nor  many 
even  of  these.  But,  no  sooner  do  two  settle  their  love,  than,  if  any 
way  able,  they  together  plan  and  build  their  future  home,  which  they 
consecrate  by  love.  And  often  spend  on  it  more  than  they  can  well 
afford.  And  does  not  love  incite  as  well  as  increase  his  mechanical 
skill  ? And  does  not  her  hand,  prompted  and  guided  by  love,  execute 
many  articles  of  ornament  or  use  which  only  love  would  have  con- 
ceived or  attempted  ? Unloving,  unloved,  she  will  not  work.  Will 
neither  make  nor  repair  garments.  Whereas,  loving,  beloved,  she 
becomes  both  able  and  willing  to  cut  and  make,  to  work  and  mend,  to 
draw  and  paint — anything  to  help  along. 

And  are  not  lovers  proverbially  sentimental  ? Is  not  love  always 
poetical  ? And  poetry  the  most  natural  expression  of  love  ? When- 
ever a youth  attempts  to  versify,  rest  assured  he  is  beginning  to  love. 
Nor  can  gifted  minds  write  poetry  fit  to  read,  unless  inspired  by  love. 
Are  not  Byron’s  love  effusions  his  most  poetic?  And  Burns’  even 
more?  And  Sappho’s  most  ? 


And  does  not  love  polish  the  manners  ? That  awkward  country 
lass,  as  long  as  she  remains  unloving,  unloved,  cares  little  how  she 


110 


POWER  OF  THE  LOVE  ELEMENT 


becomes.  If  naturally  attractive,  love  renders  her  far  more  so. 
Every  action  seems  inspired.  Every  motion  becomes  classical,  ele- 
gant,8 and  everything  about  her  the  personification  of  neatness. 

But  in  disappointment,  her  finest  attire  lacks  a certain  finish,  style, 
which  nothing  but  love  can  give  it.  More  so  at  home  in  dishabille. 
Her  hair,  combed  perhaps,  but  not  neat.  Her  dress,  perhaps  not  rag- 
ged or  filthy,  but  evincing  neglect,  as  if  she  did  not  care  to  look  tidy. 
Her  room  in  glorious  confusion.  A disheveled  aspect  throughout. 
What  else  renders  so  many  tidy  girls  such  slatternly  housekeepers  ? 

See,  too,  that  disappointed  swain.  Hat  slouched.  Boots  old. 
Stockings  and  linen  unwashed.  Pins  and  sticks  instead  of  buttons. 
Beard  long,  if  he  pretends  to  shave  at  all  • disheveled,  if  he  does  not. 
Hair  uncombed.  Clothes  seedy.  Shabby-looking  throughout.  Only 
love,  or  the  hope  of  it,  can  ever  keep  a man  neat  in  person. 

And  the  fond  wife  makes  and  mends,  washes  and  irons,  combs  and 
brushes,  till  she  keeps  her  loved  one  looking  nicely. 

Further:  Does  not  female  society  polish  men?  What  would  even 
genteel  men  be  without  it  ! Coarse  boors.  Every  man  proclaims, 
in  and  by  his  manners  and  appearance,  how  much  he  has,  or  has  not, 
mingled  in  female  society.  And  the  same  men  are  much  more 
cleanly  and  mannerly  in  female  society  than  out  of  it.  And  woman’s 
manners  are  equally  refined  by  mingling  with  men.13  Plow  wonder- 
fully the  sexes  are  refined  and  polished  in  feeling,  in  manners,  in 
spirit,  by  each  other  ! All  by  the  working  of  this  law — Amativeness 
as  enkindling  Ideality. 

And  do  not  lovers  likewise  love  dearly  to  hold  sweet  communion 
together  by  rippling  stream  and  in  fairy  pathways  ? In  shady  grove 
and  by  silvery  moonlight  ? By  admiring  together  beautiful  landscape 
and  sunset  ? By  plucking  together  pretty  flowers,  and  weaving  them 
into  ornamental  bouquets  ? Does  not  love  render  them  even  too 
dreamy  and  unreal  for  this  gross  earth  and  its  material  relations  ? 

And  the  very  best  way  to  live  in  affection,  and  to  re-enlist  drooping 
love,  is  thus  to  adore  God  in  the  beautiful,  in  nature  and  art.  If  the 
married  would  but  establish  a habit  of  mutually  enjoying  together  the 
pure  and  beautiful,  they  would  thereby  both  assimilate  and  intensify 
their  love.  Try  the  experiment,  ye  dissatisfied. 

If  you  can  and  will  admire  bird,  tree,  flower,  mature,  and  art  to- 


ON  POETRY  AND  MIRTH. 


Ill 


formities.  Her  flowers  now  seem  dingy.  Her  charming  prospects 
have  lost  their  charm.  Her  gayly-plushed  songsters  have  lost  their 
thrilling  notes.  The  plumage  of  her  gay  warblers  is  unheeded,  or 
retrovert  the  dissatisfied  eye.  Her  very  sun  rises  and  sets  in  odium. 


“ Thou  glorious  orb,  supremely  bright, 

Just  rising  from  the  sea, 

To  cheer  all  nature  with  thy  light, 

What  are  thy  beams  to  me  ? 

“ In  vain  thy  glories  bid  me  rise 
To  hail  the  new-born  day  ; 

But  ah ! my  morning  sacrifice 
Is  but  to  weep  and  pray. 

u But  what  hath  nature’s  charms  combined, 

To  one  whose  weary  breast 
Can  neither  peace  nor  comfort  find, 

Nor  friend  whereon  to  rest  ? 

“ Oh ! never,  never,  while  I live, 

Shall  my  heart’s  anguish  cease ! 

Come,  friendly  Death,  thy  mandate  give, 

And  let  me  be  at  peace.” 

And  those  who  write  and  love  sad  poetry  and  minor  moods  thereby 
proclaim  their  affectional  disappointment.  And  also  reincrease  it. 
Nor  should  that  class  of  literature  be  encouraged.  Its  entire  effect  is 
injurious  on  health,  mind,  energy,  happiness,  humanity. 

Love  eclipsed,  all  beauty  suffers  a like  eclipse.  Nature  loses  her 
wonted  loveliness.  Her  bloom  is  effaced.  Her  glory  departed.  And 
even  life  itself  has  lost  its  young  zest,  its  sparkling  freshness,  and 
fallen  back  in  mere  vegetative  monotony  upon  those  disappointed  in 
love. 

30.  IMITATION  AND  MIRTH  INCREASED  BY  LOVE. 


By  a first  law  of  mind  we  pattern  after,  make  examples  of,  those 
we  like,  but  absolutely  refuse  to  conform  to  those  we  dislike.  Chil- 
dren never  mimic,  except  in  ridicule,  those  they  hate.  But  that  boy 
that  likes  his  pa,  or  uncle,  or  teacher,  is  forever  doing  what  they  do. 


Now,  is,  or  is  not  this  a natural  human  instinct? 


Animal. 


even  f 


And  how  forcibly  it  appertains  to  love  ! How  involuntarily  those 
that  love  fall  in  with  each  other’s  habits,  idiosyncrasies  even  ! And 
how  naturally,  how  perfectly  they  conform  to  and  assimilate  with 
each  other  ! The  reason  for  this  conformity  has  already  been  given.0 
And  a most  beautiful  provision  it  is,  too.  Nor  should  any  dispute 
arise  as  to  which  shall  set  and  which,  fcll&s:  ’ ^le. 

that  loves  most  will  4hr  ~f 


112 


POWER  OF  THE  LOVE  ELEMENT 


MIRTH  AWAKENED  BY  LOVE. 


Was  not  Cupid  called  the  laughing  god  ? Does  not  love  bedeck  the 
countenance  with  its  sweetest,  loveliest  smiles  ? How  natural  to 
joke  those  just  beginning  to  love  ! And  they  love  to  be  joked.  And 
what  starts  the  risibles  of  all,  coarse  and  refined,  as  quickly  as  allu- 
sions to  love-matters  ? How  merry,  how  light-hearted,  how  sportive 
and  gay,  how  lively  and  frolicsome  all  who  are  in  love  ! 

But,  disappointed,  how  very  sad  ! How  solemn,  serious,  woe- 
begone, and  loth  to  smile,  as  though  bereft  of  every  friend  on  earth, 
every  dollar,  every  terrestrial  good  ! How  spiritless  and  deadened, 
like  fallen  dough,  those  whose  love  has  failed  to  find  congeniality  or 
gratification  ! How  strangely,  sadly,  that  once  lovely  woman  has 
altered  since  her  marriage  ! Before,  so  blithe  and  full  of  fun.  Before, 
the  fiddle  of  the  company.  After,  how  chopfallen  ! A smile  rarely 
enlivens  her  sunken  cheek.  Only  a bastard  laugh — a half  grin,  half 
glare.  And  when  occasion  forces  a laugh,  she  chokes  it  down,  as  if  it 
were  out  of  place.  At  least  incongruous.  And  so  it  is.  Incongruous, 
because  disappointment  has  stereotyped  sadness  upon  her  entire  being, 
till  mirth  has  become  sacrilegious.  Melancholy  is  the  rule,  joy  the 
exception.  u Gambol  on,  merry  lamb.  Sing  away,  lively  bird. 
Laugh  on,  sportive  child.  You  can  be  happy,  I never.  But  must 
remain  forever  bowed  down  with  sadness,77  is  her  response  to  all  life 
and  cheerfulness.  Why  are  children  and  youth  universally  so  much 
more  vivacious  than  their  elders  ? Disappointment  in  love  furnishes 
the  main  answer. 

Amusements,  too,  participated  in  along  with  the  family,  are  much 
more  beneficial  than  solitary  recreation.  And  how  much  more  gross 
and  sensual  those  amusements  in  which  men  participate  without  than 
with  their  families  ! And  how  foolish  and  frivolous,  too,  female 
conversation  and  sports  unattended  by  children  and  husband  ! Not  so 
when  love  sanctifies  them  and  their  pleasures.  / 

31.  LOVE  PROMOTES  OBSERVATION,  FORM,  SIZE,  WEIGHT,  AND 


Does  not  love  sharpen  the  eye  of  every  lover  to  scan  every  motion, 
every  look  of  the  opposite  sex  in  general,  and  loved  one  in  particular? 
Do  not  women  observe  men  much  more  closely  than  women  ? And 

,1  o k lii  ■ i tit.  i o t\ 


COLOR. 


OVER  ORDER,  TIME,  AND  TUNE. 


113 


bouquet,  the  ornamental  dress,  the  handwriting  of  the  billet-doux — 
everything?  Does  it  not  improve  weight,  by  increasing  the  spright- 
liness, briskness,  of  the  walk,  dance,  every  movement  of  the  lover  and 
the  loved?89  And  is  not  color  heightened  by  love?  Behold  that 
beautiful  glow  on  the  maiden’s  cheek,  that  modest  blush,  that  ruby 
lip  ! And  all  painted  as  none  but  love  can  paint.  But  an  ashy 
pallor  supervenes  when  love  dies.  And  are  not  all  lovers,  even  the 
plain  clodhopper,  passionately  fond  of  flowers  when  in  love? 

Love  also  paints  all  objects  in  most  glowing  colors.  Landscape  is 
more  rich  and  varied  in  hue.  Peach  more  finely  painted.  Flowers 
tinted  with  more  gorgeous  hues.  And  green  all  the  greener.  Yellow 
all  the  yellower.  And  everything  more  beautifully  colored  when 
viewed  through  eyes  of  love.  The  reverse  when  love  is  reversed. 

32.  ORDER,  TIME,  AND  TUNE  REINCREASED  BY  LOVE. 

Let  even  a sloven  come  to  love  a methodical  woman,  and  he  soon 
becomes  spruce  and  painstaking.  Let  a slattern  become  enamored, 
and  she  naturally  learns  to  keep  her  house,  clothes,  etc.,  in  perfe  t 
order.  How  many  women  marry  without  the  first  idea  of  method  or 
housekeeping,  whom  no  motive  but  to  please  those  they  love  could 
induce  to  touch  household  matters,  become  first-rate  housekeepers  ! 
But  what  disorder  and  confusion  worse  confounded — no  time,  no  place 
for  anything,  meals  out  of  season,  everything  out  of  joint — is  the 
natural  consequence  of  discord  ! Love  and  order  naturally  enkindle 
each  other. 

Still,  disappointment  sometimes  increases  order.  A married  woman, 
unloving,  unloved,  sometimes  turns  to  method  and  neatness  as  a 
diversion  or  hobby,  because  she  has  nothing  else  on  which  to  expend 
her  energies,  and  as  a relief  from  the  ennui  of  disappointment.  And 
such  become  excessively  particular.  And  are  not  unmarried  ladies 
of  questionable  age  proverbially  old-maidish  as  to  order  ? And 
advancing  bachelors  bachelorish  as  to  the  fit  and  cleanliness  of  their 
apparel  ? And  how  many  husbands,  disappointed  in  their  wives, 
perhaps  dissatisfied  with  their  marriage,  make  up  in  extra  devotion  to 
business  what  they  lack  in  devotion  to  wife?  And  that  we  do  some- 
times find  excellent  bachelor  scholars  is  undeniable — better,  possibly, 
than  if  in  imperfect  love.  And  it  is  further  admitted  that  conjugal 
discord  often  so  irritates  them,  as  to  cause  a pushing  out  into  more 
energetic  efforts  than  if  in  a passable  state  of  love.  But  to  a life- 
long application  of  either  or  all  the  mental  faculties  a love  mood  is 
an  indispensability  of  fact  and  philosophy. 

Time,  too,  is  promoted  by  love.  Does  not  the  dance  owe  its  chief 


114 


POWER  OF  THE  LOVE  ELEMENT 


attraction  to  perfection  in  time  ? But  does  it  not  require  both  sexes 
to  dance  well  ?9  How  spiritless,  inappropriate,  the  dance  of  either 
sex  alone  ! And  does  not  that  brisk,  lively,  genteel,  gallant  style  of 
manners,  promoted  by  Amativeness,14  also  promote  the  merry  dance  ? 
And  those  who  have  lost  their  love  care  little  for  the  merry  ball. 
Their  dancing  days  are  over.  Love  begets,  crushed  love  crushes,  both 
desire  and  ability  to  shake  gayly  the  light,  fantastic  toe.  And  do  not 
those  who  have  loved  each  other  keep  step  in  walking,  while  those 
who  do  not  love  can  not,  will  not  step  together  ? 

That  family  regularity  in  our  every-day  habits,  eating,  retiring, 
rising,  everything,  both  prolongs  life  and  renders  it  by  far  happier, 
Phrenology  demonstrates.  As  also  that  irregularity  is  practical  suicide. 
Now,  love  promotes  the  former,  disappointed  love,  the  latter.  And 
those  who  truly  love  will  be  at  home  in  good  time,  keep  good  hours, 
and  be  regular  in  all  the  duties  of  life.  In  short,  what  one  thing 
promotes  health,  longevity,  scholarship,  morals,  happiness,  and  prog- 
ress as  effectually  as  periodicity,  or  periodicity  as  conjugal  affection  ? 

And  does  not  love  naturally  promote  song?  And  do  not  all  sing 
ing  birds  sing  most,  and  most  sweetly,  in  their  mating  season  ? And 
is  not  the  human  voice  rendered  far  more  sweet  and  soft,  more  melo- 
dious and  impassioned  by  love  ?10  Does  not  love  beget  that  exhila- 
ration of  spirit  which  naturally  expresses  itself  in  lively  music?  Nor 
is  a girl’s  music  worth  the  hearing.  It  lacks  richness  and  sexuality. 
Only  the  music  of  those  that  love  is  music.  All  else  is  trash.  None 
can  sing  or  play  charmingly  till  they  have  loved.  None  in  disappoint- 
ment. And  why  is  so  much  pains  taken  to  render  girls  accomplished 
in  music,  but  because,  it  awakens  love,  and  expresses  love  ? Because 
Amativeness  and  Tune  are  twins?  Not  only  does  sexuality  give  that 
deep  bass  voice  to  the  man,  and  fine  tenor  voice  to  the  woman,  but 
the  love  state  softens,  sweetens,  and  enriches  the  faculties  of  both.10 
How  superlatively  enchanting  the  music  of  fully-matured  women 
would  be,  if  brought  up  and  kept  in  an  affectionate  mood  from  child- 
hood, can  not  be  imagined  ! Yet,  alas  ! very  rarely  indeed  is  the  love 
of  woman  completely  developed,  while  the  great  majority  of  females 
have  either  that  mongrel  voice,  or  that  tameness  and  goneness,  which 
disappointment  always  causes.10 

33.  MEMORY  INTENSIFIED  BY  LOVE. 

Memory,  too,  is  intensified  by  love.  Cast  the  optics  of  memory, 
mature  reader,  over  the  vista  of  your  own  past.  Some  scenes  strike 
on  your  retrospective  vision  in  bolder  prominence,  in  clearer  outline, 
than  other  reminiscences,  like  mountain  peaks  along  a day’s  journey. 


OVER  LANGUAGE  AND  REASON. 


115 


How  bounds,  how  throbs  the  old  heart  as  memory  lights  on  this,  that, 
the  other  young  love  season  ! Age  remembers  nothing  as  vividly  as 
its  young  love.  Nor  does  middle  age,  any  age. 

How  vividly  Locality  recalls  the  winding  pathway,  the  rippling 
stream,  the  little  mound,  the  green-leaved  tree,  the  exact  place  and 
looks  of  every  object  associated  with  love  ! Lovers  remember  even 
the  very  conversation,  words,  which  passed  between  them.  Every 
look  and  act  is  written  imperishably,  as  with  the  point  of  a diamond, 
upon  the  tablet  of  memory.  And  if  husbands  and  wives,  through 
life,  but  duly  loved  each  other,  that  love  would  consecrate  every  walk 
and  ride  they  take  together.  Every  peach  they  pluck  and  share. 
Every  delicious  morsel  eaten  in  common.  Every  kind  office,  how- 
ever trifling,  throughout  their  entire  lives.  In  short,  love  hallows, 
sanctifies,  consecrates,  and  embalms  whatever  scenes  transpire  in  its 
sphere.  Especially  that  proudest  of  all  seasons,  proposal  and  accept- 
ance. 

But,  upon  what  dwells  memory  with  as  painful  pangs  as  on  love 
broken?  The  first  love-spat  never  is,  never  can  be  forgotten.  Con- 
tention hardens,  frenzies  even,  and  all  the  incidents  with  which  they 
are  connected  sink  right  into  the  very  disc  of  memory  with  an  im- 
perishable brand,  there  to  stand,  hideous,  glaring,  painful  to  behold, 
yet  forever  before  the  eye  of  memory,  undying,  though  dying  to  die. 

34.  LOVE  AWAKENS  LANGUAGE  AND  REASON. 

Lovers  always  have  a world  to  say  to  each  other,  And  say  it 
always  eloquently.  On  beginning  their  evening’s  chit-chat,  they 
know  not  what  they  can  find  to  talk  about,  hour  after  hour.  But  love 
furnishes  both  matter  and  manner.  It  talks,  talks,  talks,  on,  on, 
on,  incessantly.  And  beautifully.  It  chooses  acceptable  words.  It 
even  waxes  eloquent.  It  furnishes  classical  matter  and  manner  to 
those  whom  nothing  else  could  raise  above  mediocrity.  They  tell 
each  other  all.  They  magnify  all.  And  when  separate,  they  must 
write.  Can  not  live  without  it.  Write  every  week.  And  attentive 
husbands,  away  from  home,  often  daily.  And  write  long  letters. 
And  beautifully  composed.  Sheet  after  sheet,  margins  included. 
And  written  criss-cross  at  that.  Indeed,  they  never  know  when  to 
stop : but  the  more  they  love  and  write,  the  more  they  want  to.  And 
such  a words  that  breathe,  and  thoughts  that  burn  !”  And  so  much 
meaning  condensed  into  such  intense  expressions.  Compliments  so 
feelingly,  delicately,  touchingly  expressed.  Descriptions  how  descrip- 
tive ! Sentiments  how  sentimentally  expressed  ! And  all  so  full  of 
thought  ! Nothing  awakens  reflection,  forethought,  ratiocination, 


116 


POWER  OF  THE  LOVE  ELEMENT 


contemplation,  discrimination,  and  sense,  as  does  love.  It  also  quickens 
Causality  to  advise  the  very  best  ways  and  means  of  accomplishing 
ends  or  escaping  danger  in  emergencies.  How  much  richer,  deeper,  the 
flow  of  ideas  in  those  who  love  than  in  the  same  person  unloving  and  un- 
loved ! Let  those  who  love  and  have  been  loved  but  recall  to  mind  how 
full  of  something  to  say  they  were  when  in  love.  Are  not  love-letters, 
besides  being  so  long,  so  beautifully  composed  and  written,  so  glowing, 
so  descriptive,  so  full  of  elevated  sentiments,  better  in  every  single 
characteristic  of  fine  composition  than  writings  prompted  by  any  other 
mental  stimulus?  And  would  not  a volume  of  the  love-letters  of 
gifted  minds  be  the  most  readable,  instructive,  poetical,  philosophical, 
and  really  brilliant  book  ever  penned  ? See  u Loves  of  the  Poets.” 
Reader,  re-read  your  own  love-letters.  Was  not  every  sentence  lit- 
erally inspired?  Could  you  ever  have  thought  it  in  you  to  write 
thus  well  ? Yet,  if  you  had  continued  to  love,  you  would  have  con- 
tinued to  write  better  and  better. 

The  conjugal  correspondence  of  both  the  Adamses  illustrates  our 
point.  And  the  love-letters  written  to  Aaron  Burr  are  said  to  surpass 
anything  ever  written  for  intensity  and  beauty  of  expression.  And 
what  imparts  to  novels  their  chief  attraction  but  the  love-mood  in 
which  they  are  generally  composed  ? 

But,  let  love  be  blasted,  and  oh,  what  dull  stupor  comes  over  in- 
tellect ! A numbness,  a palsy  of  thought  and  expression  ! So 
unsocial.  Answers  few.  And  monosyllables  mainly.  Averse  to 
conversation  on  any  subject.  Face  turned  from , not  to,  at  table, 
walking,  riding.  Those  married  who  do  not  love  say  nothing,  have 
nothing  to  say,  think  nothing.  A vacuity  of  intellect,  of  expression. 
An  absent-mindedness  as  if  the  entire  intellect  were  deadened.  And 
if  there  is  any  weariness  most  weary,  any  monotony  most  monotonous, 
any  repugnance  most  repugnant,  it  is  being  tied  for  life  to  one  loathed, 
not  loved.  The  tread-mill,  the  dungeon,  anything^ ather.  Most  pitiable 
such.  Yet  are  there  not  many  such  ? Do  not  these  doctrines  agree 
with  the  observation,  experience  of  all  who  have  had  either  ? 

And  are  not,  also, 

35.  AGREEABLENESS  AND  HUMAN  NATURE  ENHANCED  BY  LOVE? 

See  how  much  more  complimentary,  taking,  charming,  more  courte- 
ous and  bland  those  become  who  are  in  love.  And  the  more  in  love, 
the  more  pleasing  and  winning.  And  if  all  were  in  a love-mood, 
none  would  ever  be  in  a cross,  repellant  one,  but  always  only  in  a 
fascinating  one. 

Those  in  love  have  a peculiarly  attractive  way  of  saying  and 


OVER  AGREEABLENESS  AND  HUMAN  NATURE. 


117 


doing  things  which  invariably  draw  others  around  them  ; while  those 
in  disappointment  involuntarily  repel.  The  former  are  lovely,  the 
latter  hateful,  to  all.  One  feels,  as  it  were,  drawn  to  the  former,  but 
driven  from  the  latter.  Love  throws  its  votaries  into  the  honey  mood , 
from  its  first  dawn,  as  long  as  it  continues.  Indeed,  what  but  this 
very  principle  gives  to  the  coquette  her  coquettishness  ? And  to  young 
women  their  loveliness  ? All  the  faculties  seem  to  take  on  an  insin- 
uating action,  which  throws  an  indescribable  charm,  a sacred  halo 
around  whatever  emanates  from  them. 

This  being  thus  as  to  its  outside  observers,  how  much  more  so  to  its 
participants  ? How  spell-bound,  fascinated,  each  lover  by  the  one  be- 
loved ! But  words  only  mock  our  subject.  Let  the  actions  of  lovers,  let 
the  memories  of  those  who  have  loved,  bear  witness,  not  merely  to 
the  truthfulness  of  this  principle,  but  to  the  extent  of  that  truthfulness. 

Yet,  in  disappointment,  how  changed  all  ! The  whole  cast  of  action, 
then  so  attractive,  has  now  become  so  repulsive.  Those  very  faculties 
which  then  took  on  a complexion  so  lovely,  now  take  on  one  so  hate- 
ful. Those  fascinating  little  sayings  and  doings  then  so  smooth,  now 
so  rough.  Then  so  soft,  now  so  harsh.  Then  so  sweet,  now  so  sour 
and  bitter.  Not  to  each  other  merely,  but  to  all — the  very  cat  and  dog 
included.  What  demon  has  plucked  that  wheat,  and  sown  these 
tares  ? Disappointment. 

Many  a time,  while  describing  character  phrenologically,  have  I felt 
the  need  of  two  charts  and  descriptions  for  the  very  same  persons, 
faculties,  and  combinations — the  one  for  those  in  love,  the  other  for 
those  in  disippointment,  so  effectually  does  reversed  love  reverse  the 
entire  tone,  cast,  and  practical  workings  of  the  phrenological  faculties, 
throughout  all  their  every-day  manifestations. 

And  doubly  hateful  to  the  other  party.  Both  being  in  a hateful 
mood  in  general,  they  become  doubly  repugnant  to  each  other.  While 
those  in  disappointment  repel  all,  they  doubly  repel  the  party  in  and 
by  whom  they  have  been  disappointed.  Indeed,  actions  tolerably 
agreeable  to  others,  now  become  most  odious  to  those  offended  ; partly 
because  of  the  disagreeable  mood  of  the  acting  party,  but  more  so  be- 
cause of  the  jaundiced  eyes  of  the  hating  observer.  Ye  who  are 
unhappily  married,  please  recall  the  heaven- wide  difference  between 
your  feelings  then  and  now,  and  appreciate  the  double  cause;  first, 
the  different  moods  of  each,  and  especially  the  optics  through  which 
each  looks,  and  try  to  restore  your  former  charms  by  restoring  your 
former  affectional,  and  therefore  captivating  mood.  Those  in  disap- 
pointment little  realize  how  perfectly  repugnant  that  mood  renders 
them.  Nor  those  in  love  how  inexpressibly  fascinating. 


118 


POWER  OF  THE  LOVE  ELEMENT 


Human  Nature,  or  perception  of  character,  is  also  quickened  by 
love.  Do  not  men  instinctively  discern  the  beauties  and  deformities 
of  female  character,  and  women  those  of  men,  sooner  than  either  sex 
those  of  its  own?  Cannot  knowing  women  read  men  through  and 
through  much  quicker  and  better  than  women  women,  or  men  men  ? 
And  do  not  men  scrutinize,  as  it  were  feel , or  scent  out  the  character- 
istics of  women  with  more  instinctive  correctness  than  those  of  men  ? 

Hence,  when  a wife,  loving  and  beloved,  warns  husband  against 
certain  masculine  acquaintances  or  customers,  he  had  better  heed  her 
warning  : and  wife  those  of  husband.  A beautiful  and  useful  fact  in 
the  natural  history  of  love.  Yet  disappointment  blinds  this  discern- 
ment, at  least  of  the  excellences  of  the  opposite  sex,  while  it  sees  only 
their  deformities. 

36.  LOVE  BUILDS  UP  OR  BREAKS  DOWN  THE  ENTIRE  BEING. 

In  fine,  nature  has  placed  the  destinies  of  the  entire  being  on  the 
altar  of  love.  Its  normal  exercise  enkindles  a new  flame  throughout 
the  whole  being,  to  light,  warm,  intensify,  exhilarate,  and  intoxicate, 
almost  to  delirium,  not  only  each  individual  faculty  separately,  but 
also  all  combined.  Beyond  all  computation  does  a right  state  of  the 
affections  exalt,  ennoble,  and  electrify  the  entire  man.  And  doubly 
co,  woman.  Words  are  powerless  to  portray  its  beneficial  influences. 
Imagination,  even,  can  not  measure  them.  No  condition,  no  stimulant, 
no  other  faculty,  no  other  motive  whatever,  at  all  begins  to  wield 
over  human  life  and  destiny,  over  the  entire  being,  as  a whole,  and 
every  integral  part  and  parcel  of  it,  down  throughout  all  its  minutest 
organs  and  functions,  anything  like  the  quickening,  elating,  even 
ecstatic  influence  wielded  by  reciprocated  affection.  It  even  effects 
a complete  physical  and  mental  regeneration.  Its  subjects  seem  to 
themselves  as  though  new  beings.  As  though  a new  world  had  opened 
upon  their  enlarged  vision,  so  wonderfully  does  it  quicken  and  intensify 
every  life-function.  Hence,  since  by  a well-known  law,  exercise 
strengthens  and  develops  every  physical,  every  mental  faculty,  and 
since  love  warms,  elicits,  excites  every  mental,  every  physical  func- 
tion, of  course  love  cultivates , expands,  improves  each  singly,  and  all 
collectively.  And  the  more  and  longer  one  loves,  the  more  does  this 
sentiment  discipline  and  develop  the  whole  being  : physical,  social, 
passional,  aspiring,  intellectual,  and  moral.  Nothing  improves  our 
entire  humanity  in  comparison  with  love. 

It  moreover  evolves  a thousand  virtues  and  powers,  which  other- 
wise must  lie  dormant.  It  does  for  humanity  what  good  farming  does 
for  rich  lands— crowns  it  with  magnificent  crops  of  grains  and  fruits. 


TO  BUILD  UP  OR  BREAK  DOWN. 


119 


Of  course  it  improves  those  most  who  are  best  sexed,  but  the  less,  the 
weaker  this  element.  And  our  description  pre-supposes  not  mere 
spiritless  things,  but  love  subjects,  fully  endowed  with  this  element. 
And,  likewise,  its  bestowment  upon  one  calculated  to  call  out  its 
latent  powers. 

But  does  not  disappointment  exactly  reverse  this  gl owning  picture  ? 
Does  it  not  depress  all  the  human  functions  as  far  below  their  natural 
plane,  as  a perfect  love-state  rises  them  ? Testify,  ye  who  have  expe- 
rienced both.  Bear  faithful  witness,  even  though  against  your  own 
selves,  ye  who  to-day  lie  prostrate,  withering  in  its  scorching  rays,  or 
seething  in  its  boiling  cauldron.  Go  back — shrink  not  from  the  pain- 
ful reminiscence,  it  may  yet  save  you — first  to  those  boyish  or  girlish 
light-hearted  seasons  you  experienced  before  you  loved.  Compare 
what  you  then  were  with  what  you  now  are.  Then  re-read,  in  memo- 
ry'^ hallowed  page,  that  delightful  bloom  your  first  young  love  spread 
throughout  your  entire  being.  How  beautiful,  how  glowing  the  1 am- 
bient flame  and  new  life  it  created  ! This  sacred  life-spell,  this  new 
sanctification  of  your  being,  re-increased  with  and  by  love. 

But,  alas  ! your  bright  love-morning  became  first  clouded,  then 
darkened.  Then  passion’s  winds  began  to  blow.  Then  arose  the  bil- 
lows of  sensuality.45  Then  first  raged  the  tempest  of  carnality.  The 
roaring  waves  rose  mountain  high.  The  tempest  blew  a perfect  hurri- 
cane. The  pouring  deluge  soiled  and  drenched  your  before  spotless 
moral  habiliments.  Did  you  walk  as  proudly,  or  feel  as  purely,  or 
care  as  much  for  yourself,  after,  as  before?  Well  done  if  you  so 
steered  your  shattered  bark  before  the  howling  winds  as  to  escape  a 
complete  wreckr physical  and  moral.  But  was  not  every  seam  in  that 
noble  vessel — and  God,  who  built  it,  only  knows  how  noble — strained  ? 
And  has  she  not  sailed  poorly,  and  leaked  badly,  ever  since,  and  been 
in  imminent  danger  of  foundering?  Possibly  a patched-up  love  saved 
you  from  a final  wreck  ; stopped  some  of  the  largest  leaks  of  passion; 
re-set  some  of  the  flapping  sails  of  good  resolutions  ; supplied  a tem- 
porary mast  of  determination — better  this  than  nothing — and  saved 
the  fag  ends  of  the  rudder  of  will.  But,  after  all,  just  compare  your- 
self before  with  since.  The  ideal  bloom  of  life  effaced  ; its  glowing 
colors  faded  ; its  exalted  aims  lowered  ; your  entire  being  partly  be- 
numbed, partly  corrupted.  Nothing  like  the  same  person.  Your  life, 
if  not  a failure,  effectually  crippled  throughout. 

But  I leave  the  details  of  this  painful  picture  to  your  own  reminis- 
cences and  consciousness,  ye  men  now  living  a slip-shod,  so-so,  drift- 
wood kind  of  life,  doing  just  tolerably  well,  whereas  you  once  aspired 
so  high.  Then  your  ambition  was  boundless,  now  it  is  inert.2’  Then 


120 


POWER  OF  THE  LOVE  ELEMENT 


you  aspired  to  do  great  things ; now  you  are  content  with  mediocrity.29 
Then  you  were  all  strung  up  for  herculean  effort;  now  you  barely  jog 
on.  Then  you  were  for  stemming  wind  and  tide;  now  you  paddle 
along  just  enough  to  keep  from  sinking.25  Then  you  loved,  and  aspired 
to  moral  purity  and  excellence  of  character,  and  shrank  from  vulgarity 
and  sensuality;  now,  though  you  mean  to  live  a medium  kind  of  life, 
you  experience  nothing  like  your  former  abhorrence  of  the  very  appear- 
ance of  evil.24  And  your  intellect,  your  love  of  knowledge,  and  your 
capacity  to  acquire  it,  have  correspondingly  declined.31  32  33  34  A 
marked  deterioration  throughout  ! 

But  what  has  caused  this  mental  and  physical  declension  ? Declin- 
ing love . You  may  not  fully  realize  this  decline,  much  less  either  its 
extent  or  cause.  But  there  it  is  for  all.  While  those  who  have  never 
loved  are  yet  in  a chrysalis  state  of  humanity — are  apples  in  June, 
green  yet,  not  even  grown,  are  but  as  the  worm  compared  with  the 
butterfly,  are  on  a low  human  plane — those  in  disappointment  have 
been  lifted  above,  only  to  be  dashed  below,  their  normal  state.  And 
the  longer  and  deeper  their  love,  the  more  destructive  their  fall — bones 
broken,  spirits  crushed,  mind  benumbed,  moral  tone  blunted,  and  the 
whole  being  almost  a wreck. 

I have  long  been  scanning  humanity  through  the  optics  of  Phrenology. 
By  its  truthful  lenses  I am  doubtless  enabled  to  see  more  of  its  pristine 
beauties  and  capacities  than  strike  the  visions  of  most  of  its  inspectors. 
But  these  same  optics  disclose  everywhere,  and  in  all  its  aspects,  a 
most  lamentable  deterioration.  How  great,  only  the  phrenologist  can 
begin  to  measure.  Nor  he  only  begin.  Through  these  same  man-dis- 
cerning optics  I likewise  discover  its  greatest  single  cause.  That 
cause  is  not  alcoholic.  Not  that  alcohol  does  not  waste,  pervert,  and 
even  ravage  the  entire  texture  of  humanity.  Nor  is  that  cause  nar- 
cotic. Not  but  that  tobacco  is  even  a greater  deteriorator  and  often  de- 
stroyer of  this  humanity  than  alcohol.  Nor  is  it  in  many  of  those  other 
causes  easily  named  and  unquestionably  destructive  to  humanity. 
But  it  is  in  disappointed , deteriorated  love.ib  Even  that  physical  degen- 
eracy, so  universal  and  appalling,  is  due  more  to  disappointed  love 
than  to  any  other  single  cause.  And  I proclaim  it  deliberately — I 
would  be  heard  throughout  Christendom  and  Heathendom,  by  philoso 
pher  and  poet,  by  the  learned  and  the  laborer,  especially  by  the 
ordained  moralist — as  a conclusion  forced  upon  me  by  the  largest, 
most  varied,  most  scrutinizing  observation,  aided  by-  the  best  of  . all 
faculties  for  examination,  that  a large  proportion  of  human  misery  and 
deterioration,  of  enfeebled  bodies  and  wrecked  minds,  of  depressed 
morals  and  palsied  intellects,  in  short,  of  the  fallen  state  of  man  in 


TO  BUILD  UP  OR  BREAK  DOWN. 


12.1 


every  aspect  of  his  being,  is  consequent  on  disappointed  love.  Few 
escape  shipwreck  on  this  deadly  shoal. 

Occasionally  a happy  pair— -angels’  visits — evince  perfect  love.  The 
woman,  how  lady-like?  Not  the  ladyism  of  yon  fashionable  Miss 
Flora  McFlimsy  school,  but  the  outgushings  of  high,  perfect  humanity, 
beautifully,  even  angelically,  expressed.  Every  word  fitly  spoken. 
Every  action  and  motion  classical.  Every  intonation  the  music  of 
the  spheres.  Every  sentence,  every  emanation  of  her  moral  and  social 
being,  angelic.  Thus  perfect,  not  because  so  highly  constituted  by 
nature,  but  because  inspired  and  perfected  by  love. 

And  that  ripe  old  man,  whose  life  of  conjugal  affection  has  elimina- 
ted every  virtuous,  and  smothered  every  vicious  prodlivity — whose 
wisdom  and  goodness  shine  throughout  every  act,  every  look,  every 
expression,  but  shows  how  almost  superhuqian  one  and  all  might  and 
would  become  if,  from  the  first  dawning  of  childhood,11 12  all  the  loves 
were  perfect,  and  all  acting  and  reacting,  from  the  first  smile  to  the 
last  breath — if  the  course  of  true  love  had  begun  smoothly,  and  run 
more  and  more  smoothly  down  the  stream  of  life  until  it  emptied  into 
the  ocean  of  eternity. 

To  love  a little,  a little  while,  improves  a little.  To  love  intensely 
a little  while,  improves  proportionably.  And  the  more,  the  more  and 
longer.  Nor  is  it  possible  for  human  beings  to  attain  the  full  stature 
of  humanity,  to  reach  the  full  human  standard,  except  in  and  by  loving 
long  and  heartily.  Behold  that  venerable  man  ! Mature  in  judgment. 
Every  motion  and  expression  appropriate.  A saint  in  goodness.  A per- 
fect man ! You  admire  as  you  behold.  But  how  became  he  thus  perfect? 
In  and  by  love  mainly.  What  rounded  off  his  natural  asperities  ? 
Love  mainly.  It  has  permeated  every  pore  and  fiber  of  his  very  being, 
and  seasoned  and  perfected  all.  And  as  nothing  else  could  have  done. 

Behold,  again,  that  matronly  woman  ! A queen  among  her  sons  and 
daughters.  A goddess  in  the  family  ! How  self-sacrificing  ! Every 
word,  look,  and  action  the  expression  of  one  and  all  of  the  human  vir- 
tues ! The  outgushing  of  disinterested  goodness  ! To  know  her  is  to 
love.  She  did  not  become  thus  perfect  in  a day  • but  by  a long  con- 
tinued series  of  instrumentalities.  Then  by  what?  In  and  by  love. 
For  is  it  not  adapted  to  effect  this  maturity?  What  but  love  could 
attain  it  ? Then  go  thou  and  do  likewise.  Apply  it,  gentle  reader, 
to  thine  own  self-perfection,  by  cultivating  a perfect  love-state. 

But  disappointed  love  sours  all,  as  well  as  curses  all.  And  all 
women,  no  matter  how  good  their  heads,  hearts,  or  temperaments,  are 
repellant  when,  and  because,  their  love  is  reversed . They  feel  awfully, 
and  this  diffuses  this  awful  feelingover  all  around.  They  dislike,  and 

6 


122 


POWER  OF  THE  LOVE  ELEMENT. 


this  renders  them  disliked.25  Those  who  hate  are  hateful.  Those 
who  love,  always  lovely.  Those  who  fight  oil  the  crushing  effects  of 
this  disappointment,  become  Xantippes;  repulsive  to,  and  repulsed  by 
all.  Some  break  down  under  it.  Such  take  on  the  air  and  natural 
language  of  ci  injured  innocence,77  and  become  so  melancholy  as  to 
throw  all  around  them  into  mourning.  They  speak  sadly,  as  if  heart- 
broken and  abused,  thereby  practically  telling  observers  how  shame- 
fully they  have  been  imposed  upon.  And  this  implied  and  therefore 
the  deepest  of  all  condemnation  to  husband,  of  course  provokes  him, 
and  sours  his  temper.  Nothing  is  the  matter  in  reality,  save  that 
both  have  been  thrown  into  a hateful  mood  by  the  reversed  state  of 
Amativeness.  And  this  reverses  every  other  faculty,  and  renders  their 
every  action  and  expression  toward  each  other  repellant.  Give  me 
purgatory  rather. 

Our  proposition,  stated  phrenologieally,  then  amounts  to  this : Dis- 
appointed love  throws  Amativeness  into  a reversed  or  abnormal  state. 
Indeed,  it  is  in  this  state  that  disappointment  consists.  And  this 
thereby  throws  all  the  other  faculties — especially  the  surrounding 
propensities — into  a like  reversed,  perverted  state,  which  withers  all, 
spoils  all.  It  renders  the  lovely,  hateful  ; the  lively,  sad;  the  bright, 
dull ; the  smart,  inert;  the  careful,  careless  ; the  good,  good  for  nothing, 
even  bad  ; and  the  virtuous,  wicked.  Or  thus  : All  virtue,  happiness, 
morality,  goodness  consist  in  the  normal  or  right  exercise,  and  all 
badness  in  the  reverse  or  abnormal  exercise  of  the  human  faculties. 
And  the  right  state  of  love  both  intensifies  and  normalizes  every  other 
human  function.  While  its  wrong  state  both  withers,  sours,  perverts, 
abnormalizes,  and  vitiates  one  and  all  the  other  functions. 

And  now,  ye  human  beings,  are  these  things  so?  Wields  love  this 
power  over  human  nature  ? Are  these  delineations  too  intensified  or 
sweeping  ? No,  verily.  Even  half  has  not  been,  can  not  be  told.  Only 
the  largest  observation  and  experience  can  duly  impress  these  truths. 
And  the  more  one  observes  and  experiences,  the  more  powerfully  will 
these  things  sink  down  into  the  innermost  recesses  of  the  soul,  as  the 
deepest,  most  eventful  realities  of  human  life.  And  the  more  perceive 
than  ten  thousand  virtues  and  vices,  beauties  and  deformities,  talents 
and  inanities,  are  traceable  directly  back  to  the  states  of  the  affections. 
How  great  the  number  of  those  naturally  excellent  and  lovely,  now 
rendered  bad  and  hateful  by  a desolate  heart ! And  easily  restorable. 
Their  good  qualities  yet  there,  though  eclipsed.  They  need  only  a 
true  love  conversion. 

These  things  being  thus,  how  incalculably  would  a right  state  of 
love  change  the  entire  aspect  of  human  life,  individually  and  collect- 


LOVE  CONTROLS  THE  DESTINIES  OF  THE  RACE 


123 


tively  ! It  would  re- convert  our  now  arid  moral  desert  into  one  great 
garden  of  Eden,  inexpressibly  beautiful  and  perfect ! 

The  plain  fact  is,  humanity  would  be  but  little  lower  than  the 
angels  if  their  affections  were  but  perfectly  developed  from  the  first  to 
the  last.  All  criminals  were  conceived  in  hate  and  born  in  hate,  live 
in  hate,  and  die  hating  and  hateful.  And  are  fitted  by  a hateful  life 
for  a hateful  eternity.  Do  devils  ever  love  ? Could  they  even  ? Or 
would  they,  if  they  could  ? But  if  they  did,  would  they  be  devils  still  ? 
Would  not  perfect  low,  convert  even  them  ? Love  is  the  perfection  of 
the  law  of  humanity,  of  goodness  and  happiness,  as  disappointment  is 
of  sin  and  misery. 

And  that  great  u social  evil,”  in  all  its  forms  and  phases,  public 
and  private,  of  which  the  Sickles  tragedy  is  but  one  of  millions,  has 
disappointed,  and  therefore  perverted,  love  for  its  main  cause.  This 
inflames  Amativeness,  and  thereby  its  surrounding  organs,  which  pro- 
vokes those  drinking,  swearing,  gambling,  rowdy  habits  which  natu- 
rally affiliate  with  the  amatory  vices.  Nor  can  they  be  materially 
lessened,  except  by  going  to  their  rootlets — disappointed  love  Who, 
in  a right  state  of  their  affections,  perpetrates  any  of  these  vices? 
But  of  this,  more  fully  in  its  proper  place.45  46 

LOVE  CONTROLS  THE  DESTINIES  OF  THE  RACE. 

But  does  not  love  do  for  the  entire  race  what  it  has  just  been  shown 
to  do  for  the  individual  ? Since  true  love  thus  moralizes,  and  dis- 
cord vitiates,  the  discordant,  does  not  this  love  element  build  up  or 
break  down  the  human  family  as  a whole  ? If,  commissioned  from  the. 
court  of  Heaven  to  accomplish  for  man  the  greatest  possible  good,  even 
to  usher  in  the  latter-day  glory,  I were  allowed  to  choose  but  one  single 
instrumentality,  that  one  would  be  perfect  conjugal  love.  Give  to 
man  but  one  generation  of  happy  marriages,  and  you  give  him  a millen- 
nium, and  in  greater  glory  and  perfection  than  king  or  prophet  ever 
dreamed.  You  take  off  the  raw  edge  from  all  his  passions,  and,  be- 
sides forestalling  all  public  crimes  and  vices,  so  purify  the  individual 
that  all  will  flee  from  sin,  besides  peopling  the  earth  with  a race  far 
superior  to  those  who  now  inhabit  it.  For  the  fact  is  unmistakable, 
that  the  children  of  affectionate  wedlock  are  higher,  purer,  more  amia- 
ble and  affectionate,  more  intellectual  and  moral,  than  those  of  dis- 
cordant wedlock.6 

The  rationale  of  this  law  is  more  fully  set  forth  in  Volume  II.,  and 
is  measurably  disclosed  in  “ Love  and  Parentage,’7  and  Maternity.” 
Perfect  love  and  a right  physical  state  will  usher  in  and  constitute  a 
millennium.  Nor  can  this  long-expected,  this  glorious  era  transpire 


124 


POWER  OF  TEE  LOVE  ELEMENT. 


without  both.  Hence,  whatever  is  calculated  to  promote  conjugal  love, 
therein  and  thereby  ushers  in  this  long-looked-for  glory  of  glories.  God 
works  by  means.  Even  the  millennium  is  to  be  brought  about  by  instru- 
mentalities. And  they  must  be  proportionate  and  adapted  to  the  work 
to  be  accomplished.  And  what  as  perfectly  adapted  as  love  ? In  fact, 
are  not  those  in  love  actually  in  a millennium  ? and  those  in  disap- 
pointment equally  in  purgatory  ? Is  not  love  commensurate  with,  as 
well  as  adapted  to,  that  greatest  of  all  works,  human  perfection  ? 

To  the  promotion,  then,  of  this  love  sentiment,  this  volume  now 
addresses  itself.  Scan  its  truths  well,  and  especially  practice  its  prin- 
ciples, and  then  say  whether  it  is  not  a veritable  specific.  Having 
re-read  and  scanned  what  has  already  been  written  touching  the  all- 
powerful  influence  of  love  over  human  destiny,  and  compared  it  with 
your  own  experience,  you  will  be  better  prepared  to  enter  upon  the 
proposed  inquiry  with  both  earnestness  and  confidence  : — 

Then  how'  can  so  great  a human  good  be  promoted  ? The  answer 

is,  BY  FULFILLING  THE  LAWS  AND  CONDITIONS  of  love.2  As  fulfilling 
the  laws  of  vegetation  promotes  its  growth,  but  violating  them  stints 

it.  so  of  love.  To  secure  great  love-crops,  it  requires  only  to  have  a 
right  love  husbandry . To  this  most  eventful  subject  we  therefore 
next  address  ourselves. 


LOVE  UNIVERSAL  AND  IMPERIOUS. 


125 


SECTION  III. 

THE  LAWS  AND  CONDITIONS  OF  LOVE 

37.  LOVE  UNIVERSAL  AND  IMPERIOUS. 

That  love  constitutes  an  integral  part  and  parcel  of  humanity  it- 
self, has  already  been  demonstrated.4  5 

Every  human  being  in  the  past,  present,  and  future  of  the  entire 
race — even  every  animal,  fish,  fowl,  vegetable,  and  thing — has,  must 
have,  more  or  less  of  this  element.  It  forms  as  necessary  a portion 
of  humanity  as  bones  and  reason.  As  air  can  not  be  air  without  oxy- 
gen, or  man  man  without  lungs,  so  the  human  mind  can  not  be,  with- 
out having  this  love  element.  All  are  born  sexed.  “ Male  and 
female  created  he  them.”  And  mental  sexuality  always  accompanies 
physical.  And  their  action  constitute  quite  as  necessary  a function  of 
humanity  as  breathing  or  eating.4  5 

And  whatever  exists,  must  be  exercised.  Action  is  the  end  of  being. 
As  well  not  be  as  remain  inert.  Why  were  eye,  stomach,  Ideality, 
Reason,  created  but  to  be  used?  Every  department  of  humanity  was 
created  solely  to  be  exercised.  And  for  nothing  else. 

And  this  exercise  should  be  coequal  with  their  creation.  Then, 
since  all  are  horn  with  this  love  element,  all  are  therefore  bound,  by 
the  very  tenor  of  their  being,  to  exercise  it.  From  this  exercise  no 
man,  woman,  child,  or  even  animal  or  vegetable,  is,  can  be  exempt. 
If  Nature  had  intended  to  excuse  any  therefrom,  she  would  have  cre- 
ated them  neuter  genders  • whereas,  in  and  by  creating  one  and  all 
male  or  female,  she  renders  it  imperious,  obligatory  on  all  to  love 
the  opposite  sex.  As  all  are  solemnly  bound  to  exercise  Benevolence, 
Conscientiousness,  Reason,  etc.,  so,  and  for  precisely  the  same  rea- 
sons, all  are  placed  under  the  bonds  of  their  primitive  constitution  to 
exercise  Amativeness.  If  not,  why  not  ? In  this  war,  as  in  that  with 
death,  u there  is  no  discharge.”  All  are  impelled  and  compelled 
thereto.  And  by  the  very  tenor  of  their  existence. 

Nor  merely  for  its  own  sake,  but  on  account  also  of  its  influence  over 
all  the  other  human  functions.8  For  here,  as  elsewhere,  u whether 
one  member  suffers  or  rejoices,  all  suffer  or  rejoice  with  it.”  Its  dor- 
mancy, besides  leaving  the  entire  system  a barren  heath — like  leather 


126 


THE  LAWS  AND  CONDITIONS  OF  LOVE. 


as  compared  with  skin,  the  texture  there  to  be  sure,  but  bereft  of  its 
life-forces — also  benumbs  the  whole  being,  while  its  right  exercise 
most  wonderfully  warms  and  tones  up  the  entire  system.15  36 

Nor  is  anything  so  promotive  of  disease  as  inaction — disease  of  lungs 
and  stomach,  as  their  dormancy.  Hence  love’s  dormancy  also  breeds 
its  disease  * and  disease  spreads.  So  that  dormancy  here  breeds  and 
spreads  disease  throughout  the  entire  body  and  mind.  Whereas  its 
right  exercise  builds  up  both.  Is  it  not  the  sacred,  paramount  duty 
of  all  human  beings  to  carry  their  personal  perfection  clear  up  to  just 
as  high  a point  as  lies  in  their  power?  Then,  since  perfect  love  is 
the  great  developer  of  the  human  being,  and  depraved  love  its  great 
deteriorator,36  therefore,  by  the  duty  of  self-development,  is  the  prior 
duty  of  a right  love,  as  its  greatest  means.  There  is,  can  be,  no  full 
human  development  without  it.36  Nor,  if  there  could  be,  would  it  be 
worth  having  ; for  what  is  life  without  love  ? A barren  sand-bank — 
an  arid  desert — a stupendous  failure.  And  ye  wTio  can  look  back  upon 
but  a single  short  love-season,  can  see  only  a sandy  desert,  relieved  by 
but  one  single  smiling  oasis.  While  ye  who  have  loved  long  and 
fully,  can  look  back  upon  a life-long  pathwray,  strewed  with  varie- 
gated flowers  and  fruits  * the  richer  and  more  abundant  in  proportion 
to  the  completeness  of  love.  None  can  have  any  perfect  exercise  of 
their  other  faculties  without  that  of  love  • nor  can  any  build  them- 
selves up  into  complete  manhood  or  womanhood  without  basing  the 
temple  of  self-culture  in  a perfect  love.  None  can  discipline  their 
minds,  rectify  or  intensify  their  feelings,  bring  out  their  moral  vir- 
tues,24 develop  intellect,34  improve  memory33  or  reason,  or  perfect  by 
culture  those  Godlike  faculties  conferred  upon  them  by  nature  as 
effectually  as  by  love.  As,  in  the  language  of  Demosthenes,  oratory 
consists  in  il  action,  action , action,”  and  as  love  promotes,  even 
compels  this  action,  and  in  its  most  intense  and  prolonged  form,36  there- 
fore, a perfect  love  constitutes  the  highest  known  instrumentality  of 
self-improvement.  Whereas,  not  to  love  is  gradual  but  virtual  sui- 
cide, and  renders  one  like  a hybernating  animal,  barely  alive. 

Nature’s  wants  are  fewT  but  loud.  To  love,  is  the  first  requisition 
of  nature;3  and  he  who  breaks  her  requirements  she  wrill  punish. 
And  her  chastisements  are  indeed  terrible.  None  can  at  all  afford 
to  incur  them.2  3 To  starve  this  element  is  virtually  to  emasculate 
one’s  whole  nature. 

But  her  rewards  are  glorious.  And  she  rewrards  the  exercise  of  this 
faculty  more  liberally  than  that  of  any  other.3  None  can  afford  to  de- 
prive themselves  of  these  rewards.  To  cultivate  this  faculty  by  exer- 
cise is  quite  as  important  as  to  cultivate  memory,  or  reason,  or  poetry, 


LOVE  AND  MARRIAGE  OBLIGATORY  ON  ALL. 


127 


or  painting,  or  any  of  the  other  human  capacities  or  virtues.  And 
exercise  is  its  great  cultivator. 

Nor  is  it  enough  that  it  be  exercised  merely;  but,  instead,  it  re- 
quires to  be  exercised  vigorously . Though  a tame  action  is  better 
than  none — a crumb  better  than  starvation — yet  it  becomes  the  better 
in  proportion  as  it  is  exercised  the  more.  Its  hearty  life-long  exercise 
can  alone  fulfill  nature’s  love  requirements.35  To  love  a little  a little 
while,  is  to  superinduce  a few  of  its  benefits  ; whereas,  to  love  thor- 
oughly and  throughout  one’s  whole  life,  can  alone  crown  humanity 
with  its  choicest  flowers  and  richest  fruits.  No  portion  of  life  not 
lighted  up  by  this  sun  of  the  human  soul,  but  is  shrouded  in  more 
than  Egyptian  darkness — and  on  a sandy  desert — a darkness  felt , even. 
Whereas,  its  perpetual  and  vigorous  exercise  is  perennial  spring,  sum- 
mer, and  autumn  intercommingled.  Then,  0 man,  woman,  cultivate 
love:  and  as  assiduously  as  intellect,  devotion,  or  any  other  human 
endowment.  As  not  a day  should  pass  without  exercising  reason, 
language,  etc.,  so  let  no  sun  set  on  love  unexercised.  And  that  exer- 
cise should  be  hearty , and  perfectly  satisfactory.  Nor  a tame,  listless 
love,  but  whole-souled — all  you  are  capable  of  bestowing  and  receiv- 
ing. Nor  a few  days  of  courtship  and  honeymoon  love,  but  one  life- 
long}  and  perpetually  reincreasing  with  age.  And  hereafter  as  well  as 
here. 

38.  LOVE  AND  MARRIAGE  OBLIGATORY  ON  ALL. 

Then,  since  to  love  is  a first  human  duty , of  course  to  provide  a love 
object  is  equally  incumbent  on  each  and  all.  Every  human  being  is 
sacredly  bound  to  supply  all  their  natural  wants.  Self-protection  is 
universally  acknowledged  to  be  the  first  law  of  nature.  ' Why?  Be- 
cause those  are  poorly  protected  who  do  not  protect  themselves.  And 
is  not  self -provision  quite  as  imperious  a duty  ? If  not,  why  not  ? 
The  fact  is,  each  and  every  human  being,  animal,  thing  even,  is  a 
kingdom  to  self  By  the  sacredness  of  being  even,  is  the  sacredness 
of  our  own  selfhood.  To  nothing  else  do  we  owe  allegiance  as  oblig- 
atory as  to  our  own  sacred  selves,  because  all  our  other  relations  grow 
out  of  this  tap-root  of  self  God  in  nature  looks  to  us  not  merely  to 
protect,  but  to  care  for  our  ownselves , and  to  furnish  ourselves  with 
whatever  is  necessary  for  our  development  and  perfection.  She  fur- 
nishes abundant  material  for  supplying  all  the  wants  of  all  her  creat- 
ures, but  they  must  search  for  and  partake  thereof.  She  furnishes  ma- 
terial for  building  houses,  making  garments,  manufacturing  useful 
implements,  keeping  ourselves  warm,  etc.,  but  requires  that  we  find 
and  appropriate  these  materials.  Wood  grows,  but  we  must  convert 
it  into  the  articles  desired.  Ores  and  coal  abound,  but  must  bo 


128 


THE  LAWS  AND  CONDITIONS  OF  LOVE. 


mined , smelted,  and  fashioned.  Nature  supplies  only  the  raw  mate- 
rial, leaving  us  to  do  the  balance. 

Therefore,  since  love  is  a natural  institute,4  5 want,  we  might  infer, 
d priori , that  nature  would  supply  ample  material  for  this  love  re- 
quisition. And  she  has  supplied  it  by  creating  just  about  an  equal 
number  of  males  and  females  throughout  all  her  domains.  And  how 
inexpressibly  beautiful  this  equality  ! Suppose  either  sex  greatly  pre- 
dominated over  the  other — males  over  females — what  mighty  efforts 
would  the  destitute  put  forth — what  bloodshed,  what  desperation^, 
even — to  obtain  by  force,  by  stratagem,  by  persuasion,  by  any  and 
every  device  and  exertion,  some,  even  any  female,  to  love,  and  by 
whom  to  be  loved  ! And  vice  versa,  if  females  predominated.  Then, 
as  when  Benjamin’s  men  were  nearly  all  slaughtered,  would  ten 
women  lay  hold  of  the  skirts  of  one  man’s  coat,  crying,  “ We  will  eat 
our  own  bread,  but  only  let  us  be  called  by  thy  name.” 

Indeed,  what  feeds  Mormonism  but  a local  disproportion  of  females 
to  males  ? And  better  two  loving  one,  than  one  wholly  bereft.  Nor 
do  any  duly  realize  how  infinitely  precious  to  each  sex  a congenial 
spirit  of  the  opposite.14  Gold  is  indeed  precious,  because  it  supplies 
wants.  But  a true  lover,  how  much  more  so,  because  it  supplies  a 
want  still  more  imperious.37  However  precious  to  a woman  is  a choice 
wardrobe,  costly  jewelry,  or  sparkling  diamonds,  how  infinitely  more 
so  a right  resting-place  for  her  love  ? And  how  infinitely  thankful 
one  and  all  should  be  that  our  bountiful  heavenly  Father  has  created 
both  these  sexual  demands  and  supplies  ? And  about  an  equal  num- 
ber of  each  sex  ? That  each  can  find  a lover? 

Then  shall  we  not  improve  this  provision  ? God  provides  food  by 
causing  it  to  grow  when  we  fulfill  the  requisite  conditions.  Then  is 
it  not  our  duty  thus  to  fulfill  them  ? And  is  it  not  equally  our  duty 
to  provide  a supply  for  our  sexual  nature  as  for  our  alimentary  ? 

How  wrong  to  make  no  provision  for  raiment,  for  shelter,  for  intel- 
lectual culture  ! Then  is  it  not  equally  so  to  provide  a right  love 
object?  And  those  who  do  not,  do  deep,  palpable  injustice  to  their 
own  sacred  entity.  As  deep  as  to  rob  any  of  their  other  faculties  of 
their  natural  aliment. 

MARRIAGE  THE  NATURAL  SPHERE  OF  LOVE. 

And  marriage  alone  furnishes  this  supply.  And  that  supply  is 
complete.  Is  every  way  perfectly  satisfactory.  Is  all  that  can  be 
desired.  All  that  is  required.  Is  perfection  perfected.  Is  an  ordi- 
nance of  nature.  And,  like  all  of  nature’s  other  ordinances,  abso- 
lutely perfect  in  and  of  itself,  and  perfectly  adapted,  in  every  con- 


MARRIAGE  THE  NATURAL  SPHERE  OF  LOVE. 


129 


ceivable  aspect,  to  fill  this  love  element.  And  this  matrimonial  ali- 
ment is  as  perfect  as  the  love  element  it  was  created  to  fill.  Is  na- 
ture’s infinitely  perfect  supply  of  love’s  imperious  requisition.  Is  the 
natural  home  and  ultimate  of  human  sexuality.  And  absolutely  ob- 
ligatory on  all  who  are  sexed.  As  much  so  as  eating,  on  all  who 
have  stomachs. 

Not  that  a partial  supply  of  this  sexual  element  can  not  be  had  out- 
side of  wedlock.  It  can.  But  that  supply  is  of  necessity  both  par- 
tial and  fitful,  and  utterly  inadequate  to  fulfill  nature’s  love  requisi- 
tions. It  is  irregular ) whereas  nature  requires  a c:  day-by-day” 
supply.  Is  crude  and  irritating  ; whereas  nature  requires  that  it 
shall  be  what  a true  marriage  really  is,  soothing  and  balmy.  Is  like 
feeding  on  husks.  Is  more  sensualizing  than  moralizing.  Is  like 
feeding  on  hard,  sour,  bitter  crab-apples,  when  one  can  have  luscious 
Baldwin  and  noble  King  apples  instead,  just  for  the  asking.  Is  like 
feeding  on  shucks,  every  way  unsatisfactory  and  void.  And  those  who 
rely  on  it  know  little  of  either  the  sweets  or  the  advantages  of  love. 
While  a right  marriage  fills  its  participants  clear  up  to  the  brim, 
throughout  every  part  of  their  whole  being,  with  just  the  most 
healthful  aliment  and  delicious  viands  it  is  permitted  to  mortals  to 
enjoy. 

It  is  not  for  us  to  pronounce  a eulogy  on  marriage.  As  well 

eulogize  the  god  of  day,  or  the  fruitfulness  of  the  earth,  or  the  ben- 
efits conferred  by  air.  It  is  enough  to  declare,  what  will  be  demon- 
strated in  our  next  Section,  that  it  is  an  ordinance  of  nature , and  there- 
fore both  absolutely  perfect  in  and  of  itself,  and  absolutely  obligatory 
on  every  one  of  her  children — as  much  so  as  participancy  in  any  of 
her  other  provisions  for  the  happiness  and  perfection  of  her  children.37 

And  those  who  will  not,  do  not  marry,  are  like  those  who  live 
from  hand  to  mouth,  eating  roots  to-day  and  bark  to-morrow,  and  but 
little  ever;  while  those  who  marry  right  are  like  those  who  fill  their 
store-houses  in  due  season  with  all  the  best  eatables  and  fruits  needed 
throughout  the  year.  Those  unmarried,  are  like  those  who  build  no 
habitation — have  no  shelter  from  the  burning  sun  or  freezing  blasts— 
no  place  whereon  to  lay  their  doomed  head,  but  sleep  in  storm,  in 
mud,  in  summer,  in  winter,  just  where  night  overtakes  them.  And 
are  naked  and  destitute  besides.  Whereas  those  who  marry  well,  are 
like  those  who  build  themselves  perfect  homes,  supply  themselves 
with  needed  food  and  raiment,  and  fulfill  the  other  demands  of  their 
nature.  Come,  say,  one  and  all,  is  not  marriage  a natural  institute  ? 
The  legitimate  food  of  love?  And  is  it  not  absolutely  complete? 
Then  is  it  not  the  sacred,  bounden  duty  of  one  and  all  to  marry  ? 

6* 


130 


THE  LAWS  AND  CONDITIONS  OF  LOVE. 


And  because,  to  love?  Those  who  do  not,  starve  and  maltreat  their 
own  sacred  selves.  As  self-protection  is  a first  duty,  and  so  of  self- 
provision, therefore  love  provision,  and  therefore  marriage,  is  equally 
so.  And  for  precisely  the  same  reasons. 

Yet  it  is  not  enough  to  marry  merely,  any  more  than  merely  to  love. 
The  mere  act  of  marrying  amounts  to  nothing.  To  marry  without 
loving  is  but  the  solemn  mockery  of  love,  along  with  its  barrenness. 
Only  that  marriage  which  fully  meets  the  natural  wants  of  love  can 
suffice.  And  those  who  marry  but  do  not  love,  are  just  as  guilty  of 
self-starvation  as  those  who  do  not  marry  at  all.  Guilty,  because 
they  do  not  love.  For  love  is  the  main  thing,  and  marriage  only  its 
instrumentality. 

Indeed,  better  neither  love  nor  marry,  than  marry  to  hate  * on  the 
principle  that  starvation  is  better  than  poison.  For  this  is  both 
starvation  and  poisoning.  Few  things  can  do  humanity  equal  dam- 
age. Like  stoning  the  wasp’s  nest,  it  gives  only  stings  instead  of 
honey.  It  reverses  all,  corrupts  all,  more  than  anything  else  can  do. 
To  all  the  evils  of  disappointments36  it  superadds  those  of  the  most 
vitiated  perversion.  As  nothing  promotes  virtue  equally  with  a right 
marriage,  so  nothing  breeds  vice  equally  with  a wrong.36  Such  per- 
version is  not  an  absolute  necessity,  yet  it  is  a general  accompani- 
ment.45 The  marriage  of  hands  with  a reversion  of  hearts  is  a living 
death.  Is  being  chained  to  a putrefying  carcass.  From  its  loathsome 
sight  and  stench,  the  Lord  deliver  us.  Like  hugging  a viper.  From 
its  deadly  folds  and  fangs  run  for  dear  life.  If  there  is  any  one 
human  catastrophe  to  be  watched  against,  striven  against,  provided 
against,  by  every  possible  means,  it  is  an  uncongenial  marriage.  But 
if  there  is  any  one  good  to  be  prayed  for,  labored  for,  planned  for — if 
there  is  any  one  highest  human  good,  it  is  a right  marriage.3  If  al- 
lowed to  approach  the  Dispenser  of  all  good  with  but  one  single  peti- 
tion, assured  that  it  would  be  granted,  that  one  would  be  for  a perfect 
conjugal  mate.  And  those  who  give  thanks  at  all  should  offer  up 
their  highest,  holiest  orisons  of  thanksgiving  and  praise  for  the  insti- 
tution of  this  divine  ordinance  of  love  and  marriage.  That  it  has 
been  engrafted  on  human  nature.  And  those  who  pray  at  all  should 
pray  most  fervently  for  its  bestowment.  And  whoever  curses  at  all, 
may  most  justly  curse  their  stars,  their  blindness,  or  whatever  else 
has  been  instrumental  in  causing  a union  of  hands  along  with  aver- 
sion of  hearts.  But  since  such  wrong  alliance  is  never  necessary, 
and  since  nat  ure  has  provided  that  all  can  contract  a perfect  love,  one 
every  way  exactly  adapted  to  their  especial  case,  therefore  all  are 
solemnly  bound  not  only  to  contract  this  sacred  alliance,  but  a right: 


NATURE'S  TRUE  TIME  TO  LOVE  AND  MARRY. 


131 


true , genuine , heart-union.  And  blest  throughout  their  entire  being 
those  who  do.  But  punished  without  mercy  those  who  do  not. 

39.  nature’s  true  time  to  love,  and  marry. 

Periodicity  is  a universal  institute  of  nature.  It  controls  every 
function,  every  operation  of  the  whole  universe.  It  governs  all  the 
motions  of  all  the  heavenly  bodies,  and  all  the  functions  of  all  that 
lives  on  earth.  Sun,  moon,  stars,  seasons,  days,  nights  come,  go,  at 
their  appointed  periods.  There  it  a natural  u time  for  everything 
under  the  sun.”  All  plants,  animals,  human  beings,  have  their  in- 
fancy, adolescence,  maturity,  decline,  and  death.  These  periods  are 
inherent  in  the  very  constitution  of  all  things,  and  inwrought  through- 
out all  their  respective  functions. 

Nor  is  there  merely  a time  to  sow  and  reap,  be  born  and  die,  grow 
and  decay  ; but  what  is  planted,  done  in  its  natural  season,  prospers 
far  better  than  out. 

Of  course  love,  being  one  of  nature’s  operations,  must  also  needs 
have  its  own  natural  period,  and  prosper  better  when  it  is  observed. 
Nor  but  one  right  time.  And  that  one  just  exactly  right.  And  because 
appointed  by  nature.  She  is  perfect.  And  so  are  all  her  works  ] her 
love-works  included.  And  to  a complete  love  this  observance  of  her 
natural  times  and  seasons  is  indispensable.  True,  though  one  may 
make  an  excellent  crop  of  cotton  or  corn,  even  if  planted  out  of  time, 
yet  how  much  better  that  same  crop  planted  when  nature  ordains? 
Then  when  is  nature’s  period  for  planting  the  seeds  of  love  ? 

Some  physical  organs  and  mental  faculties  develop  earlier,  some 
later  than  others.  Thus  the  vital  organs  establish  themselves  earlier 
and  faster  than  the  muscular  and  cerebral,  memory  than  reason,  and 
the  propensities  than  moral  faculties.  Just  as  the  stalk  before  the 
ear.  And  love  is  the  last  to  develop  of  all  the  human  functions. 
Amativeness  at  birth  is  smaller,  as  compared  with  its  adult  size,  than 
any  other  organ. 

True,  boys  and  girls  do,  should  have  a sort  of  love  for  each  other, 
yet  how  insignificant  as  compared  with  appetite  or  hunger  ! And  espe- 
cially with  this  same  love  passion  after  they  become  grown  ! Child- 
hood’s love  is  ephemeral : formed,  forgotten,  and  re-formed  in  a day — 
is  dike  ante-natal  exercise,  useless  in  itself,  - but  instituted  only  fo 
strengthen  those  muscles  for  post-natal  activity  and  power. 

And  thus  it  slumbers  on,  gaining  giant  strength  by  its  merely  partial 
action,  till  puberty  gives  it  additional  stimulus  and  force.  But  even 
yet  it  fails  to  assert  its  full  power,  taking  on  barely  sufficient  action 
to  develop  itself.  And  that  action  more  personal  than  mental,  till  the. 


132 


THE  LAWS  AND  CONDITIONS  OF  LOVE 


entire  body,  now  formed  and  consolidated— b6nes  dense,  joints  perfect, 
muscles  full  sized  and  tort,  the  whole  being  aching  with  strength,  and 
the  mind,  even  reason  fairly  established,  in  short,  the  whole  system 
formed,  the  brain  full,  even  overflowing  in  all  its  functions — now 
comes,  last  and  most  powerful  of  all,  the  period  of  love.  Reference 
is  now  had,  not  to  boy-and-girl  love,  nor  to  puppet  love,  not  even  to 
the  fancies  of  youth,  but  to  that  perfect  meeting  and  inter-commingling 
of  two  congenial  spirits,  which  electrifies  all,  improves  all.  That 
which  after  the  building  has  been  framed,  raises,  incloses,  furnishes, 
and  inhabits  it.  That  which  establishes  a new  era  throughout  the 
entire  being — which  constitutes  the  first  great  life-motive,  and  now 
becomes  the  helm  of  that  life. 

But  the  true  period  of  love  can  be  inferred  only  from  its  natural 
end.  That  end  is  offspring.  And  as  children  inherit  the  conditions 
of  their  parents,  those  born  during  parental  immaturity  are  of  neces- 
sity but  poorly  constituted.  Nature,  therefore,  wisely  postpones  this 
fullness  of  love  until  after  the  constitution  has  attained  both  its 
growth  and  solidity. 

This  occurs  about  the  twentieth  year  in  human  life.  Earlier  in 
those  shorter  lived  • latest  in  those  who  mature  late,  and  hence  live 
the  longer ; but  a year  or  two  later  in  the  male  than  female,  because 
it  takes  him  longer  to  mature  than  her.  Later  in  country  than  in 
city ; north  than  south ; on  mountains  than  in  valleys  • latterly  than 
formerly;  in  the  uncultivated  than  in  our  fast,  hot-house  prematures 
of  fashionable  life.  And  the  earlier,  the  more  nervous  and  excitable 
the  subject.  But  twenty  is  about  the  average  natural  period  in  females  ) 
and  twenty-one  or  two  for  males.  Yet,  observe,  it  is  the  maturity  of 
constitution  that  determines  this  point,  rather  than  the  age  by  years. 
Hence,  we  say  twenty  or  twenty-two  as  signifying  that  stage  in 
human  life  reached  at  about  this  age,  or  when  the  human  constitution 
becomes  fairly  developed. 

But  as  society  now  is,  this  period  usually  arrives  long  before  twenty. 
Not  that  they  are  matured ; but  that  bad  physical  habits,  a sedentary 
life,  tea,  coffee,  condiments,  tobacco,  and  spirituous  liquors,  excessive 
cerebral  as  compared  to  muscular  exercise,  our  hot-house  school  sys- 
tem— which  usually  kills  while  it  educates,  and  kills  to  educate,  and 
educates  to  kill — our  accursed  fashionable  usages,  novel  reading  in- 
cluded, thus  making  our  youth  petit  men  and  women  while  only  yet 
boys  and  girls,  have  prematurely  lighted  and  fanned  the  fires  of  false 
excitement  throughout  their  whole  beings,  and  produced  a half  wild 
delirium,  a feverish  hankering,  a craving  for  something  new,  something 
more,  expressly  calculated  to  fire  up  all  the  impulses,  love  included, 


NATURE'S  TRUE  TIME  TO  LOVE  AND  MARRY. 


133 


to  a fever  heat,  thereby  not  only  inducing  that  premature  and  per- 
verted action  which  *’  marries  in  haste  only  to  repent  at  leisure,77  but 
both  perverts  and  burns  out  this  very  love  element  itself,  rendering  it 
ever  afterward  well-nigh  impotent,  yet  ever  craving  in  its  weakness.47 
And  many  a discordant  marriage  has  eventuated  in  this  premature, 
and  therefore  perverted  action.  When  will  our  youth  learn  wisdom  ? 

On  account  of  this  prematurity  it  may  be,  probably  is,  the  least 
evil,  that  at  least  a majority  of  our  city  and  village  youth  form  their 
love-alliances  before  twenty.  Especially  girls.  The  more  so  because 
these  hygienic  errors  diminish,  and  often  obliterate,  their  charms  be- 
fore twenty.  u Sweet  sixteen7*  means  that  the  female  loveliness 
begins  then  to  fade,  which  is  generally  the  case.  But  never  need  to, 
never  should.  A girl  at  sixteen,  as  far  as  her  charms  are  concerned, 
is  what  the  bud  just  beginning  to  open  is  to  the  full-blown  rose.  She 
might,  ought  to,  would,  if  she  lived  a true  physiological  life,  grow 
more  and  more  charming,  until  at  least  twenty-three,  and  retain  her 
bloom  until  past  forty.  And  if  there  is  any  one  evil  over  which  pa- 
rents and  patriots,  philanthropists,  and  even  stoics,  should  mourn,  it 
is  over  this  premature  feminine  development  and  decline.  And  our 
mammas  aggravate  this  evil  by  hurrying  their  daughters  into  and 
through  schools  and  society,  and  into  and  through  love,  and  marriage 
even,  in  order  that  they  may  make  their  matches  before  the  beauties 
of  sweet  sixteen77  have  wilted  in  faded  eighteen,  or  died  out  in  old- 
maidish  twenty.  Senseless  girls  ! Idiotic  mothers  ! Why  not  rather, 
by  right  health-habits,  prolong,  only  to  re-increase,  the  budding  attrac- 
tions of  sixteen  into  the  full-bloom  beauties  of  twenty,  and  the  pro- 
longed glories  of  twenty-four?  It  is  the  world-wide  reproach  of 
American  females  that  they  fade  before  twenty,  and  become  shriveled, 
withered  grannies  before  thirty.  Come,  my  countrywomen,  wipe  out 
this  stigma  by  so  obeying  the  laws  of  life  as  to  protract  your  captivat- 
ing period,  and  re-increase  your  charms  until  at  least  twenty-four,  so 
as  to  give  you  ample  time  to  plant  the  seeds  of  love  aright. 

One  of  the  evils  of  premature  parentage  is  its  exhausting  overdraft 
on  the  constitution.  And  this  is  doubly  great  in  young  mothers.  They 
often,  by  bestowing  more  energy  upon  their  children  than  they  have 
to  spare,  break  themselves  down  for  life.  Too  often  perish  from 
among  mortals.  Whereas,  had  they  waited  until  nature  gave  them  a 
surplus  of  vitality,  these  maternal  relations  would  have  built  them,  up 
and  saved  their  children  too,  instead  of,  as  now,  breaking  them  down. 
No  female  is  at  all  fit  to  marry  until  past  eighteen  • nor  any  young  man 
to  fulfill  the  dignified  relation  of  father  until  past  twenty.  Wait  till 
nature’s  period  arrives,  and  reap  your  reward.  And  the  more  because 


134 


THE  LAWS  AND  CONDITIONS  OF  LOVE. 


Miss  Young  America  is  so  very  small,  slim,  poor,  delicate,  fragile,  and 
nervous.  If  she  were  a great,  strong,  robust  romp,  it  might  do  better. 

Besides,  the  tastes  of  a man  do  not  mature  till  at  least  nineteen, 
nor  of  a girl  till  seventeen.  They  may  have  their  fancies  before,  but 
not  genuine  love  tastes.  Yet  these  tastes  mature  in  her  about  nine- 
teen, in  him  about  twenty,  so  that  a girl  that  might  tickle  his  fancy 
at  eighteen,  might  not  at  all  suit  his  more  mature  tastes  after  twenty ; 
whereas  one  that  truly  harmonizes  with  them  at  twenty,  is  almost 
certain  to  do  so  ever  afterwards,  because  the  base  of  their  likes  is 
now  established  for  life,  but  were  not  before.  And  the  same  as  to 
girls  before  eighteen. 

Besides,  hearken  to  this  plea  for  girls.  Let  them  remain  girls  till 
nature  makes  them  women.  Girlhood  is  quite  as  essential  a priority 
to  womahood  as  the  growth  of  fruits  is  to  their  ripening.  Spoil  that 
colt  if  you  will  by  premature  overwork,  but  be  persuaded  to  let  that 
girl  live  omt  her  girlhood,  before  imposing  on  her  all  the  cares,  re- 
sponsibilities, and  exhaustions  of  the  wife  and  mother.  Nature  ma- 
tures her  seeds  before  requiring  them  to  germinate.  And  all  great  men 
are  from  meridian  mothers,  not  one  from  mothers  under  twenty-three. 

“ But,  what  is  everything,  girls  are  at  least  innocent  and  virtuous.” 

If  you  could  postpone  marriage  till  she  became  full  grown,  this 
might  answer.  But  the  trouble  lies  in  waiting.  Love  is  impatient. 

And  above  all  remember  that  her  love  sentiment  is  much  more  easily 
reversed  while  so  young  than  it  will  be  after  more  age  has  strength- 
ened it ; and  hence  those  very  same  discordant  conditions,  which  at 
sixteen  would  first  disgust,  then  alienate,  would  be  tolerated,  perhaps 
even  liked,  by  the  ripened  instincts  of  twenty.  And  much  more  liable 
to  contract  ailments,  if  married  too  young  than  when  full  grown. 
There  are  also  some  other  weighty  reasons  of  a physiological  bearing, 
too  important  to  be  ignored.  She  is  also  much  more  shy  and  bashful 
than  when  older,  and  this  feeling  much  more  liable  to  be  abraded. 

Our  young  men,  too,  must  needs  become  gentlemen  the  day  they 
cease  to  be  babes.  Must  hurry  into  and  through  college.  Must 
smoke,  chew,  drink,  swear,  and  carouse  before  puberty.  Must  make 
and  lose  a fortune  while  yet  in  their  teens.  Must  have  a love  affair, 
and  practice  at  least  all  the  masculine  vices,  while  yet  only  boys. 
They  know  more  of  vice  now  at  thirteen  than  their  fathers  at  thirty. 
“ Early  ripe,”  inbahoy’s  habits,  they  may  require  to  marry  too  young, 
in  order  to  save  them  from  “early  rotten.”  Indeed,  mushroom  pre- 
cocity is  par  excellence  an  American  commodity,  and  superabounds. 
And  applies  to  the  love  sentiments  more  than  to  any  other;  and  most 
fatal,  too,  are  its  consequences. 


NATURE’S  TRUE  TIME  TO  LOVE  AND  MARRY. 


135 


Moreover,  a true  marriage  implies  a right  selection.  And  this  re- 
quires mature  judgment.  Human  life  never  needs  the  guidance  of 
reason  more  than  when  scanning  prospective  matrimonial  results, 
weighing  the  consequences  of  this,  that  course,  before  making  a mat- 
rimonial selection.  Thoughtlessness,  a want  of  forecast,  is  one  great 
means  of  ill-assorted  marriages.  Many  married,  but  disappointed, 
might,  on  looking  back,  say  to  themselves  : — ^ 1 Thoughtless  ! I might 
have  known  better.  Why  did  I not  see  this  and  that  sooner  ? It 
was  just  as  plainly  perceptible  as  the  nose  on  a man’s  face.  . If 
I had  only  stopped  to  think,  how  differently  I should  have  done  and 
been  !” 

By  a first  law  of  mind,  intellect  is  required  to  guide  all  our  actions. 
And  in  nothing  more  than  marriage.  Giddy  youth  should  not  take 
so  eventful  a step.  Females  just  begin  to  come  to  their  senses  ” 
about  sixteen j males,  at  seventeen  or  eighteen.  Yet  it  even  then 
takes  a couple  of  years  before  reason  becomes  sufficiently  developed 
to  be  trusted  in  matters  thus  important. 

And  then  what  silly,  awkward  work  boys  and  girls  do  make  of 
love  and  courtship  ! Why  should  they  not  ? This  sentiment  is 
green  yet : how  can  its  manifestations  be  otherwise  ? And  those  who 
wish  merely  to  enjoy — to  derive  the  most  happiness  practicable  from 
courtship — must  wait  nature’s  season. 

If  all  of  nature’s  laws  were  fully  observed,  she  would  doubtlessly 
extend  her  love-establishing  period  till  twenty-three  or  four  in  a 
woman,  and  twenty-four  or  five  in  a man.  But  no  longer.  She  is  a 
great  economist.  She  provides  that  nothing  be  lost.  Every  plant, 
tree,  animal,  has  its  particular  age  during  its  lifetime  dedicated 
expressly  to  its  reproduction.  This  is  equally  true  of  man.  It  is 
permitted  to  nothing  to  u multiply”  during  either  juvenility  or  old 
age.  This  great  work  is  assigned  exclusively  to  the  most  vigorous 
period  of  life,  in  order  that  the  utmost  of  parental  vigor  may  be  con- 
ferred on  their  issue.  Hence,  just  as  fast  as  she  matures  any  of  her 
works,  she  sets  them  to  executing  her  greatest  w~ork — reproduction.8 
She  wastes  no  time  after  the  growth  of  corn-stalk  before  commanding 
it  to  “ multiply”  its  kind,  and  obliges  it  to  obey.  So  of  all  that 
grows.  So  of  humanity  in  general,  and  every  individual  in  particular. 
So  of  you,  0 young  man  and  woman.  And  you  neglect  her  work  only 
at  your  cost.  You  both  forego  her  reward  of  labor,  and  incur  her  pen- 
alties of  inertia.  And  they  are  great,  indeed.  Then,  form  your  love 
alliance  just  as  soon  as  you  find  yourself  fully,  fairly  matured. 

Not  that  one  must  needs  marry  at  these  seasons,  but  select,  mate, 
and  cherish  affection.  This  selection  requires  time  to  deliberate. 


136 


THE  LAWS  AND  CONDITIONS  OF  LOVE. 


Girls  well  constituted  are  always  too  bashful  to  decide  wisely  off- 
hand. One  may  decide  to  reject  sooner,  but  not  to  accept. 

Courtship  should  also  occupy  some  time.  Love  rarely  springs  up 
in  a day.  Of  sudden  love  we  shall  speak  elsewhere.  Suffice  it  here 
to  advise — 

First.  That  you  be  mated  by  twenty-one. 

Secondly.  That  you  court  a full  year. 

Thirdly.  That  being  now  fully  matured,  you  marry  within  two 
years  after  mating.  Only  extra  circumstances  should  postpone  it 
longer.  Still,  those  who  postpone  their  decision  later,  may  consum- 
mate their  union  the  sooner. 

But  as  nature  curbs,  and  with  double  check,  those  who  precede  her 
order  of  march,  so  she  lashes  up,  and  that  with  terrible  severity,  those 
who  lag  far  behind.  On  time , is  her  universal  motto.  Her  true  pa- 
rental period  fairly  commences  about  twenty,  but  begins  to  wind  off 
soon  after  forty.  Especially  the  maternal.  During  that  hey-day  of 
female  life,  her  system  furnishes  a much  greater  supply  of  life-mate- 
rial and  spirit-force  than  can  be  consumed  upon  itself.  This  surplus 
must  be  worked  off  somehow,  or  plethora,  false  excitement,  inertia, 
necessarily  supervene.  Her  own  seff-preservation  and  protection 
require  maternity  for  this  consumption.  And  her  whole  being  craves, 
pmes,  and  wrastes  if  she  neglects  this  mandate  of  nature.  il  Old  maid”- 
ishness  becomes  both  her  inevitable  doom  and  punishment  if  she 
declines.  An  aching  void,  a practical  starvation  of  her  entire  sexual- 
ity, mental  and  physical,  together  with  the  negation  of  love  and  all 
its  rewards,11  a void  nothing  else  can  fill,  now  supervenes.  This  ele- 
ment either  wanes  or  becomes  perverted.  Must. 

She  may,  indeed,  partially  save  herself  by  loving,  without  marriage 
or  maternity — better,  possibly,  than  no  love  at  all — but  is  feeding  this 
element  only  on  the  husks,  instead  of  on  the  bread  and  fruits  of  true 
love.  It  is  written  by  the  hand  of  nature  into  the  feminine  consti- 
tution, thatpfrom  maturity  to  decrepitude,  she  must  live  in  and  for  her 
lover  and  their  young.  Every  feminine  is  constituted  to  live  in  and 
for,  not  herself,  iror  other  human  ends,  but  for  some  masculine , and 
their  mutual  children ; and  she  who  declines,  ignores  Heaven’s  highest, 
most  sacred3  mandate,  and  thereby  incurs  the  penalties  of  disobedience. 
Not  the  penalties  of  an  ordinary  law  broken,  but  one  superlative } And 
suffers  proportionately. 

Scarcely  less  a sinner,  sufferer,  man.  What  is  God’s  first  command 
to  plant,  tree,  river,  animal,  man,  as  an  individual,  a race?  Develop 
thyself.  Excelsior.  Make  of  thyself  just  as  complete  a sample  of  thy 
kind  as  it  lies  in  thy  power  to  make. 


NATURE’S  TRUE  TIME  TO  LOVE  AND  MARRY. 


137 


But  what  next  ? u Connect  thyself  parentally  with  posterity,  as 
thou  thyself  hast  been  connected  with  thy  ancestry.77  And  Nature  will 
have  her  laws  fulfilled,  or  refractories  punished.  And  the  mandate 
of  Nature  is  the  will  of  God.  To  ignore  her  love  mandate,  then,  is  to 
disobey  and  offend  Divinity  : whereas,  obedience  is  worship , and  u bet- 
ter than  sacrifice.77 

God  in  nature  never  takes  excuses.  Never  grants  furloughs. 
11  Obey  and  enjoy.  Violate  and  suffer,77  is  her  laconic  edict,  her  only 
alternative. 

And  in  refusing,  you  not  only  rob  your  own  soul,  curse  your  own 
self,  but  rob  and  curse  another.  And  that  a female.  The  last  being 
a man  ever  should,  ought  to,  will  wrong.14  If  nature  produced  more 
males  than  females,  the  surplus  would  be  excused,  provided  pairing  is 
a natural  institute — a problem  soon  to  be  discussed.  But  since  their 
number  is  about  equal,  every  man  who  omits  to  take  some  woman, 
thereby  does  the  female  sex  in  general,  and  some  one  in  particular, 
the  greatest  wrong  she  can  suffer.  And  vice  versa  of  those  women  who 
refuse  to  love  and  be  loved. 

So  does  he  who  emigrates  before  he  chooses  his  loved  one.  And 
Mormonism  is  fed  by  this  local  disproportion  of  females  to  males,  of 
which  it  is  a partial  relief.  Nor  is  any  man  old  enough  to  emigrate 
unless  old  enough  to  mate.  If  he  is  loth  to  expose  her  to  all  the 
privations  he  himself  proposes  to  encounter,  let  him  vow  or  wred  first, 
and  go  indeed,  but  stay  only  just  long  enough  to  cut  down,  roughs 
hew,  and  prepare  the  way  for  her  advent.  Look  at  Nantucket  and 
New  Bedford — at  most  of  New  England,  for  that  matter,  on  the  one 
hand,  and  the  great  South  and  West,  California  included,  on  the  other  : 
the  former  superabounds  with  highly  educated  females,  rich  in  all  the 
wealth  of  a superior  woman’s  love,  literally  starving  to  death  by*slow 
but  agonizing  inches,  in  vain  efforts  to  find  some  one  to  live  foil  One 
on  whom  to  bestow  that  most  precious  of  all  treasures,  a woman’s 
whole-souled  affection.  But  seeking  in  vain.  And  perishing  in  the 
search. 

But,  per  contra , throughout  the  great  South  and  AJTest,  most  on  the 
Rocky  Mountain  vesper  slope,  are  men  of  all  ages  and  nations,  per- 
ishing without  a feminine  companion  in  their  labors  and  acquisitions, 
becoming  more  and  more  corrupt  simply  for  want  of  that  female  in- 
fluence which  a true  wife  alone  can  exert  over  man — and  as  neces- 
sary to  every  masculine  as  food  or  money — seeking  in  the  lower  forms 
of  vice  what  a true  woman  would  supply  in  the  higher  forms  of  vir- 
tue. Rich  perhaps  in  dollars,  yet  valueless  unless  shared  with, 
showered  on,  woman.  Talented  indeed,  but  their  talent,  like  Cali- 


138 


THE  LAWS  AND  CONDITIONS  OF  LOVE. 


fornia  gold  twenty  years  ago.  there,  but  imbedded  in  dirt  and  stones — 
undiscovered  yet,  of  course  uncultivated.  Full  by  nature  of  noble 
masculine  traits,  but  they  are  either  perverted  or  lie  dormant,  just  for 
want  of  that  stimulant  to  self-improvement  which  the  feminine  alone 
can  supply,  yet  as  necessary  to  every  masculine  as  bread  to  body. 
And  so  eager  is  this  demand,  that  any  respectable  young  woman  who 
goes  there  to  teach,  or  even  to  sew,  is  snatched  right  up.  And  so 
speedily,  that  the  school  committees  of  New  Orleans,  and  other  South- 
ern and  Western  towns,  require  every  unmarried  female  teacher — 
those  quite  advanced  included — to  sign  a contract  not  to  marry  for  a 
year  after  opening  their  schools.  And  even  then  lose  many  of  their 
te'achers.  And  how  many  rich  old  bachelors  come  North  in  summer 
merely  to  find  wives  ? And  ladies  go  South  or  West  mainly  to  find 
husbands  ? And  ought  to.  And  such  prospectors  are  worth  having, 
too.  They  recognize  this  natural  want,  and  have  the  energy  to  at- 
tempt its  supply.  Bravo  ! u More  !”  is  still  the  cry,  and  “yet  they 
come,”  should  be  the  answer. 

But,  young  man,  remember  your  true  course  is  not  to  hurry  into 
the  world  till  you  have  planted  your  affections.  This  gives  you  a 
sheet-anchor  to  prevent  your  surging  and  lurching  hither  and  yon. 
A pole-star  to  guide  your  journeying,  and  invite  your  return.  A life- 
motive  to  work  to.  A sweet  remembrance  in  privation,  in  place  of 
luxurious  dissatisfaction.  An  object  to  live  for  in  place  of  an  object- 
less drift-wood  kind  of  life.  And  if  suffer  or  die  you  must,  the  great- 
est consolation  earth  can  afford  in  trials.  And  you  make  a loved  one 
happy  besides. 

The  fact  is,  this  help-meet  institute  is  one  of  nature’s  requisitions, 
bin’ding  upon  every  man,  from  at  least  twenty-four,  if  not  earlier. 
And  woman  from  and  after  twenty-three.  And  those  who  ignore  it 
do  so  at  their  peril. 

“ Then  how  shall  I know  -when  my  time  to  love  has  come  ?” 

By  these  two  infallible  signs  : First,  that  you  have  become  a fully 
and  fairly  developed  man  or  woman.  Secondly,  the  monitions  of  your 
own  being.  Nature  proclaims  her  wants  by  her  appetites.  Her  need 
of  food  by  hunger.  Of  sleep,  by  weariness.  Of  warmth,  by  chilli- 
ness. Of  intellectual  culture,  by  desire  for  it.  And  so  of  love.  Its 
monitions  lag  behind  all  nature’s  other  cravings  in  order  that,  once 
developed,  it  may  surpass  them  all.  But  come  it  must,  come  it  does, 
to  each  and  all  who  are  sexed.  Nor  can  it  any  more  be  postponed  or 
ignored  than  birth,  or  death.  No  one  can  ^ay,  “ I will  neither  love 
nor  care  for  the  other  sex,”  any  more  than  say,  “ I will  neither  eat 
nor  hunger.”  But  as  all  must  either  eat  or  crave  food  unless  their 


NATURE’S  TRUE  TIME  TO  LOVE  AND  MARRY. 


139 


stomachs  are  destroyed,  so  all  must  either  love,  or  endure  the  long- 
ings, pinings,  gnawings  of  unplaced  love,  unless  and  until  their  sex- 
uality has  become  obsolete,  and  they  thereby  rendered  neuter  gender 
things.  This  is  nature’s  fiat. 

Of  course,  these  cravings  are  the  more  passive  in  some  and  vigor- 
ous in  others,  in  proportion  as  their  sexuality  is  stronger  or  wTeaker. 
But  as  all  are  sexed,  therefore  all  must  love,  do  love,  more  or  less, 
sooner  or  later.  And  to  deny  it  after  maturity  is  either  thereby  to 
proclaim  impoverished  sexuality,  or  falsify  their  own  experience. 
Proclaim  that  they  are  girls  and  boys  yet.  For  it  is  this  very  love 
alone  which  converts  the  boy  into  the  man,  and  the  girl  into  the 
woman.  Be  it  that  a given  masculine  is  even  forty,  and  weighs  two 
hundred,  he  is  nevertheless,  to  all  practical  intents  and  purposes,  a 
mere  boy  yet,  until  love  comes  to  render  him  a man.  And  the  more 
and  longer  he  loves,  the  more  and  still  more  he  becomes  masculinized. 
The  simple,  sole  office  of  the  male,  per  se:  is  to  love  the  female.  It  is 
in  this  very  love  that  manhood  consists.  And  the  two  are  in  propor- 
tion to  each  other.  Nor,  till  he  loves,  does  or  can  any  masculine  feel 
his  manly  spirit  awakened  within  him.  Loving  but  a little  will  ren- 
der a man,  even  superior  by  nature,  practically  deficient  in  masculin- 
ity. While  loving  long,  truly,  and  much  will  render  even  a poorly 
sexed  masculine  very  much  of  a man,  because  it  natually  develops  his 
manliness.11 32  Nor  is  there  any  telling  how  great,  how  almost  uni- 
versal this  decline  of  the  very  heart’s  core  of  masculine  character  con- 
sequent on  imperfect  or  reversed  love.  Such  emasculated  wrecks 
stare  the  practiced  eye  everywhere  full  in  its  orbit.  They  have  dis- 
obeyed nature’s  love-summons,  and  this  impaired  masculinity  is  their 
consequent  doom.  And  just. 

And  vice  versa  woman.  Love  alone  changes,  can  change,  her  from 
the  girl  to  the  woman.  Be  she  however  learned,  good,  intelligent, 
even  pious,  till  she  loves,  she  is,  can  be,  “ only  a girl.”  Her  actions, 
conversations,  feelings,  objects,  interests,  spirit,  everything,  are  green,” 
girlish  yet.  Nor  can  anything  but  love  remove  the  garments  of  girl- 
hood, or  array  her  in  the  magnificent  robes  of  the  woman.  And  the 
more,  the  more  she  loves.  A little  love  works  a great  change.  A 
great  deal,  one  how  marvelous  ! She  is  anything  but  the  same  being. 
The  fountain-head  of  all  her  actions  and  feelings  has  become  feminine, 
and  this  imparts  a true  feminine  touch  to  whatever  emanates  from  her. 
Pteader,  this  is  more  true  than  appears  at  first  sight.  Reflect.  Ob- 
serve not  merely  that  it  is  true,  but  how  true  it  is.  And  behold  un- 
told feminine  skeletons  wrecked  simply  by  the  starvation  of  their  love. 
When  nature  ushered  in  their  love  season,  they  thoughtlessly  sported 


140 


THE  LAWS  AND  CONDITIONS  OF  LOVE. 


with  it  or  else  neglected  it.  Or  allowed  one  or  many  of  a thousand 
causes  to  give  it  the  go-by.  Or  perhaps  the  fault  lay  partly  on  the 
other  side.  At  all  events,  it  failed.  Their  love-season  passes,  and 
love-summer  ends  * but  their  love  is  not  planted.  Perhaps  married, 
even,  yet  unloving,  unloved,  unlovely,  unwomanly.  Because  sapped 
at  the  very  core  of  their  feminine  constitution.6  35  Yet  how  many, 
and  oh  ! how  wretched,  too,  these  mongrel  specimens  of  humanity. 
Accustomed  to  their  fate,  they  little  realize  how  much  they  sutler — 
and  ignorance  here  is  bliss — much  less  the  cause.  Their  God,  in  the 
mandate  of  their  nature,  called  them  to  the  banquet  of  love,  but  they 
disobeyed.  And  a life-long  famine  of  love  is  their  consequent  dread- 
ful doom.  Nor  is  their  punishment  greater  than  their  sin.  For  the 
very  power  of  these  monitions  should  have  taught  them  tho  corre- 
sponding importance  of  giving  heed  thereto. 

This  love  season  is  sacred.  It  forms  an  epoch  in  every  human  life. 
It  causes  old  things  to  pass  away,  and  renders  all  things  new.  It 
opens  up  a bright,  a glorious  life-sun.  It  thoroughly  revolutionizes 
the  entire  being.  Boys  and  girls  before,  they  have  now  become  fully 
developed  men  or  women.  Go  back,  ye  who  have  ever  loved,  to  your 
own  experiences.  Let  your  own  halcyon  consciousness  attest — and 
its  attestation  is  true,  only  that  it  does  not,  can  not,  attest  the  half — 
how  fundamentally  the  transformation.  And  let  this  duly  impress  the 
practical  importance  of  this  sacred  life-period.  It  is  no  trifling  era; 
but  big  with  tremendous  consequences. 

It  is  not  a u mountain  laboring  to  bring  forth  a mouse, ” but  to  life’s 
entire  garner  what  seed-time  is  to  harvest.  It  strikes  upon  your 
inner  consciousness  as  the  eventful  period  of  your  being. 

Then  heed,  ye  who  would  perfect,  would  not  even  spoil,  that  life. 
No  sacrilege  is,  can  be,  greater  than  trifling  therewith.  God  forbid 
that  any  reader  should  thus  sin,  thus  suffer.  Instead,  God  grant  that 
ye  all  may  hearken  to  these  demands  of  love. 

Yet  this  sacred  season  too  often  opens  out  on  its  unconscious  subjeot 
alt  at  once.  It  takes  them  by  surprise,  and  all  unprepared.  They  nei- 
ther know  what  it  is,  or  what  it  means.  How  should  they?  What 
little  they  have  ever  heard  of  love  was  said  in  jest.  Never  one  sol- 
itary word  respecting  even  the  period  itself.  Much  less  either  a prep- 
aration for  it,  or  a right  management  of  it.  We  send  our  children  to 
school  to  learn  arithmetic  in  order  to  prepare  them  against  occasions 
requiring  its  use.  Then  why  not  also  prepare  them  for  the  advent  of 
this  loi je-season,  by  teaching  them  both  its  prospective  coming  and 
requisitions,  and  the  evil  consequences  of  its  ebuse?  Modern  school- 
ing is  indeed  important,  but  teaches  things  that  bear  no  comparison  in 


NATURE’S  TRUE  TIME  TO  LOVE  AND  MARRY. 


141 


practical  importance  with  those  remaining  untaught.  Of  which  the 
philosophy  and  right  management  of  this  love  element  furnishes  a 
striking  example.  And  which  must  yet  he  taught . Only  once  let 
Phrenology  come  to  be  introduced  into  our  schools — and  I mean  to 
live  and  labor  till  this  is  done — and  it  will  effectually  inculcate  these 
now  overlooked,  but  vitally  important  lessons. 

One  other  reason  why  this  love-season  creeps,  cat-like,  slowly,  only 
to  spring  suddenly  upon  its  victims,  is  found  in  the  previous  starvation 
of  this  element.  If  boys  were  fondled  by  their  mothers  and  aunts,12 
and  girls  by  their  fathers  and  uncles if  children  and  youth  exer- 
cised this  faculty  aright,13  it  would  never,  as  now,  open  upon  them 
almost  instantly.  As  the  river,  dammed  up  in  its  natural  channel, 
rises  and  keeps  rising,  flooding  above,  until,  finally  bursting  through 
all  obstructions,  it  sweeps  all  before  it;  so  the  undue  juvenile  re- 
straint and  starvation  of  love,  when  they  do  not  dry  up  its  waters  by 
unsexing  them,  renders  this  sudden  love  almost  a necessity,  and  so  vio- 
lent as  to  defy  reason,  parental  counsel,  often  moral  sentiment  even, 
rendering  them  actually  mad  and  blind ; whereas  its  natural  and 
therefore  proper  juvenile  exercise  would  have  brought  it  on  much 
later  and  more  gradually,  and  likewise  so  disciplined  it  that  it  would 
have  been  held  in  reserve  until  it  found  a proper  object.  But  its 
starvation  renders  it  so  ravenous  that  it  greedily  devours  whatever 
food  offers.  Parents  and  guardians,  please  duly  consider  this  point, 
and  ye  who  have  experience,  compare  it  therewith. 

Moreover,  a full  understanding  of  this  matter,  its  demands  and 
laws,  would  naturally  both  prepare  its  subjects  for  its  advent,  put 
them  on  the  watch-tower  of  observation  for  a suitable  object,  and 
enable  them  to  hold  it  in  abeyance  for  years,  if  needs  be,  till  they 
have  found  a congenial  spirit ; whereas,  not  being  thus  on  the  qui  vive, 
they  are  seized  unawares  and  doomed. 

Then,  0 thoughtless  youth,  “ get  thy  house  in  order”  by  or  before 
twenty-two — yet  hold  love  back  till  at  least  eighteen — that  you  may 
welcome  this  sacred  guest  of  thy  nature,  and  treat  it  hospitably,  and 
in  accordance  with  nature’s  requisitions.  And  this  you  will  certainly 
do.  if  and  as  far  as  you  fulfill  nature’s  instincts.  It  is  an  advent  too 
important  to  be  either  unduly  hastened  or  postponed,  much  less  treat- 
ed rudely — as  0 ho\y  many  do  treat  it.  and  spoil  themselves  thereby. 
When  it  raps  at  the  door  of  your  affections,  when  it  speaks,  here,  an- 
swer and  obey.  And  let  every  young  man  and  woman  see  to  it  that 
they  provide  this  sacred  demand  of  their  being  its  life-home,  its  other 
self,  by  or  before  its  twenty-fourth  year.  Not  that  they  must  neces- 
sarily marry,  but  locate  their  affections.  That  done,  the  period  of 


142 


THE  LAWS  AND  CONDITIONS  OF  LOVE. 


their  legal  consummation  is  less  important,  and  may  be  postponed  a 
short  time  with  comparative  impunity.  Up  to  twenty-four,  or  even 
longer,  young  persons  may  content  themselves  with  knocking  or  being 
knocked  about  * seeing  the  world,  and  sowing  wild  oats — the  less  the 
better.  But  after  twenty-six  at  farthest,  they  require  settled  homes, 
domestic  comforts,  and  those  dignities  conferred  by  the  family  rela- 
tions. Indeed,  a family  to  nurse,  and  to  be  nursed  by.  Need  those 
little  helps  which  a companion  and  children  can  render,  and  the  in- 
centives to  effort  they  furnish,  as  well  as  that  position  in  society  they 
help  to  confer.  Nor  can  any  human  being  be  fairly  developed  or  ma- 
tured without  this  discipline  and  incentive.35  They  warm  the  heart 
and  awaken  and  keep  up  glowing  sympathies.  Provoke  gratitude  to 
God,  and  love  to  man.  Try  the  patience,  even,  and  tax  the  intellect 
quite  as  effectually  as  does  any  other  human  motive. 

The  plain  fact  is,  children  are  a necessity  to  a complete  human 
life,  and  doubly  so  to  feminine.  They  mature  it.  Nor  can  it  be 
fully  developed  without  them.  They  elicit  its  virtues,  inspire  its  ef- 
forts, sweeten  all  its  pleasures,  tax  and  sustain  its  intellectual  pow- 
ers to  devise  and  execute,  furnish  its  great  central  motive  to  effort, 
and  rouse,  electrify,  and  perfect  the  whole  being. 

This  is  especially  true  of  the  female.  Her  life  becomes  tame  and 
objectless  indeed,  without  children  to  live  for  and  love.  And  those 
her  own.  But  most  spirited  and  self-improving  with.  I said  to  a 
friend  of  mine,  advancing  in  years — 

“ Come,  it  is  high  time  you  were  married. 77 
11  But  you  don’t  catch  this  child.” 
u Yet  you  will  feel  the  need  of  a family  at  forty.77 
u Then  I will  marry  at  forty.77 
“ But  that  will  be  like  planting  corn  in  August” 

The  fact  is — and  is  a universal  natural  institute — that  those  who 
would  reap , must  sow.  That  seed-time  must  precede  harvest.  That 
he  who  will  not  plant , shall  not  gather.  A truth  pre-eminently  appli- 
cable to  each  and  all  the  family  relations.  To  be  pitied  those  who, 
during  their  palmy  days,  have  made  no  provision  for  a family  to  love 
and  live  for.  And  the  more  pitiable  the  older  they  grow.  Yet  is 
pitied  just  the  word  V Should  not  blamed  be  added  ? Their  sin  of 
omission  “has  found  them  out,77  and  summoned  them  to  judgment. 
And  that  judgment  reincreases  as  life  advances. 

Nor  ends  with  this  life.  God  has  conferred  immortality  on  human- 
ity. And  relates  this  life  to  that  to  come.  So  that  the  childless  here 
must  remain  childless  there.  No  own  children  there  to  call  them 
blessed.  No  legitimate  food  or  resting-place  for  that  large  organ, 


OLD-BACHELORISM  AND  OLD-MAIDISM. 


143 


Parental  Love.  Let  those  who  choose,  thus  neglect  nature’s  family 
requirements  ) but  let  me  fulfill  them.  Let  me  have  wife  and  chil- 
dren, here  and  hereafter,  to  love  and  live  for,  and  by  whom  to  be  be- 
loved and  lived  for.  Even  if  they  must  die  at  birth,  yet  they  exist, 
which  is  everything.  And  I can  u go  to  them,”  even  if  they  can 
not  come  to  me. 


40.  OLD-BACHELORISM  AND  OLD-MAIDISM. 


This  principle  naturally,  necessarily  arrays  old  bachelors  and  old 
maids  before  this  tribunal  of  love  for  adjudication,  seeming  condem- 
nation, on  the  charge  of  delinquency.  Not  that  we  array  them,  as  is 
too  often  done,  just  to  raise  a laugh  at  their  expense.  Nor  yet  to  sym- 
pathize with,  or  stigmatize  them.  Still,  we  would  kindly  scan  their 
excuses.  Nor  yet  be  personal,  and  hence  array  old  bachelor  and  old 
maid  •ism  as  an  institution , and  aver,  in  the  broadest,  most  unqualified 
terms,  let  it  be  abolished.  Let  not  one  old  bachelor  or  old  maid  be 
found  in  all  our  borders.  All  are  sexed  ; therefore  all  are  created  to 
marry,  as  much  as  to  eat.  And  those  who  refuse  are  just  as  guilty  as 
those  who  will  not  talk  or  think.  And  the  more  any  are  masculinized 
or  femininized,  the  more  they  are  cursed  in  and  by  celibacy,  but 
blessed  in  a true  marriage.  Those  but  poorly  sexed  are  less  “ draft- 
ed” into  the  matrimonial  service  than  those  well  sexed.  Nor  as  much 
pre-inclined.  Such  enjoy  less  in  marriage,  suffer  less  in  celibacy. 
And  are  perhaps  the  more  excusable.  Yet  as  swinging  up  a weak 
hand  only  renders  it  the  weaker  ; so  the  dormancy  of  the  love  element 
both  diminishes  desire  to  marry,  and  forestalls  its  beneficent  influ- 
ences.35 38  If  he  who  has  deficient  conscientiousness,  or  worship,  or 
memory,  etc.,  is  therefore  excusable  for  rendering  them  still  weaker 
by  disuse,  then  are  those  poorly  sexed  and  disinclined  to  love  excusa- 
ble for  not  loving.  But  as  it  is  their  undoubted  duty  to  cultivate  all 
the  more  assiduously  what  little  remains,  so  a weak  matrimonial  in- 
clination should  be  a stimulant  to  its  exercise,  instead  of  excuse  for 
additional  dormancy  and  decline.  As  those  endowed  by  nature  with 
but  little  sense  are  not  to  blame  for  not  having  it,  but  only  for  not  ex- 
ercising what  little  they  do  have,  so  those  little  inclined  to  woo,  be 
wooed,  or  wed,  are  therefore  the  more  blamable  and  punishable  for 
not  occupying  the  single  matrimonial  talent  they  do  have.  Hence 
they  who  desire  to  marry  least,  usually  need  to  most. 

Yet  there  are  undoubtedly  cases  of  justifiable  nominal  celibacy. 
The  following  anecdote  will  indicate  such  : My  wife  had  a dear  maid- 


i 


en  friend  of  fifty,  to  whom  I one  day  said — 
il  Eliza,  why  did  you  not  marry  when  young  ? 


Being  so  well  cal- 


144 


THE  LAWS  AND  CONDITIONS  OP  LOVE. 


culated  to  be  and  to  make  happy  in  the  family,  you  should  have  had  a 
family  of  your  own” 

u Mr.  Fowler,5’  she  said,  “ the  real  reason  never  yet  passed  my 
sealed  lips.  Bat  I will  tell  you.  At  twenty,  I loved  with  my  whole 
being.  But  my  lover  was  bashful.  He  never  told  his  love.  Nor  I 
mine.  I thought  it  not  my  place.  But  both  looked  and  acted  it.  Our 
love  was  ardent  but  taciturn.  His  looks,  by  implication,  said,  c I long 
to  propose,  but  am  poor,  and  would  not  place  you  upon  a lower  plane 
in  society  than  you  now  occupy.5  But  he  was  educated,  and  I thought 
his  education  more  than  made  up  for  my  dollars.  He  went  South  to 
teach — I know  it  was  in  order  to  make  a competence  that  he  might 
marry  me — but  died  of  yellow  fever.  And  for  thirty  years  I have  felt 
myself  just  as  much  his  wife  as  if  married  by  law.  And  intend  to 
keep  myself  pure  and  holy  to  him  alone,  in  order  to  our  reunion  beyond 
the  grave,  where  I know  he  awaits  me.55 

Were  not  these  wedded  in  spirit  and  in  truth  ?55  As  much  mar- 
ried as  if  E.  H.  Chapin  had  eloquently  and  legally  pronounced  them 
husband  and  wife  ? They  were  married  in  spirit , if  not  in  letter. 
And  her  cherishing  his  memory,  yielded  her  all  the  advantages  of 
love.35  And  was  as  virtually  marriage  as  if  she  had  been  married  to 
him  by  law,  borne  children  by  him,  and  been  left  a widow.  Those 
thus  spiritually  married,  are  anything  but  old  bachelors  or  old  maids. 
Nor  had  Eliza  the  least  taint  of  old-maidishness  about  her.  All  her 
actions,  her  very  spirit,  were  those  of  the  fully  developed  woman,  not  the 
shriveled  up,  cross-grained  old  maid.  And  she  was  an  angel  of  mercy 
wherever  she  went.  Motherly  to  children,  a nurse  of  the  sick,  most 
benevolent,  and  a pattern-sample  to  her  sex.  There  are  doubtless 
many  such.  Horace  Mann  describes  one.  Indeed,  I incline  to  class 
many  under  this  head. 

Still,  celibacy  affects  the  majority  very  differently.  Their  having 
been  crossed  in  love,  has  rendered  them  sour  in  temper,  and  cross- 
grained  throughout.35  When  in  love,  they  allowed  some  minor  mat- 
ter to  breed  alienation,  and  have  taken  things  the  wrong  way.  Have 
turned  misanthrope.  Become  literally  man-haters.  Find  perpetual 
fault  with  the  masculine  gender.  Especially  with  young  men.  Blow 
all  their  little  faults  into  a blaze  of  scandal.  Attribute  the  worst  of 
motives  to  young  people.  Half  crazed  with  wrath,  and  shocked  with 
mock-modesty(?),  if  they  see  any  signs  of  love  between  young  people, 
and  create  and  spread  scandal  about  both.  Make  mischief  between 
man  and  wife.  Generally  side  with  their  own,  against  the  opposite 
sex.  Let  a blighting  sirocco  sweep  over  a neighborhood — let  a terrific 
hurricane  spread  devastation  and  death — but  in  mercy  deliver  it  from 


OLD- BACHELORISM  AND  OLD-MAIDISM. 


145 


such  a pest.  A poison  tree  to  any  young  man  whose  path  she  may 
cross.  Be  he  even  immaculate,  she  makes  him  out  a sensualist. 
u Her  tongue  is  the  tongue  of  a serpent.  The  poison  of  asps  is  under 
her  lips.”  And  let  that  neighborhood  cursed  with  such  a nuisance 
abate  it  by  u severely  letting  her  aloneP  Not  to  heed  her,  renders  her 
powerless. 

And  many  naturally  very  excellent  women,  who  have  good  heads, 
hearts,  and  temperaments,  and  are  well  intentioned,  and  w’ho,  if  hap- 
pily married,  would  have  made  excellent  wives,  mothers,  and  cit- 
izens, have  become  thus  perverted  by  disappointment.  And  after  all, 
are  more  to  be  pitied  than  blamed.  It  is  more  their  misfortune  than 
fault.  They  neglected  to  sow  in  the  spring-time  of  love,38  and  must 
now  famish  on  through  a cold,  dreary  fall,  and  perish  in  the  winter 
of  discontent.  Both  hateful  and  pitiable.  A just  reward  for  neglect- 
ing that  first  duty  of  all — to  make  due  provision  a-t  nature’s  appointed 
time  for  this  love  element.  This  punishment  for  this  sin  of  omission 
is  indeed  terrible.  And  increases  with  age.  One  may,  indeed,  stifle 
a love  affair  at  eighteen,  survive,  and  pass  on  tolerably  comfortably 
till  toward  thirty,  but  by  this  time  Nature  begins  to  rebel  and  chas- 
tise. Life  becomes  either  objectless  or  distracted.  Patient  endurance 
begins  to  crush  out,  or  becomes  like  a perpetually  irritating  corn — 
most  painful.  And  the  hiatus  widens,  and  gulf  yawns  as  old  age  ad- 
vances. None  to  love  as  such,  nor  be  loved  by.  Only  friends,  and 
they  married,  or  dying  off,  so  that  she  may  not  express  even  friend- 
ship. Especially  to  the  other  sex.  Possibly  an  occasional  matrimo- 
nial offer,  but  she  is  so  difficult  to  please.  Nor  particularly  pleasing, 
withal.  Years  pass.  Youthful  attire  and  appearances  are  kept  up, 
but  both  put  on.  All  allusions  to  age  avoided.  Would  make  believe 
much  younger  than  is.  The  marriageable  period  passing.  Finally 
past.  No  children  to  inherit  her  affections  or  fortune.  A withering 
sense  of  loneliness  and  desolation  gathers  apace.  A settled  decline 
supervenes.  No  fond  partner  with  whom  to  while  away  life’s  passing 
hours.  None  with  whom  to  walk  or  talk,  ride  or  visit.  On  whom  to 
lean,  with  whom  to  be.  No  children  with  ruddy  cheek  to  gladden  her 
heart,  do  a thousand  little  errands,  or  on  whom  parental  fondness  can 
dote  and  cling.  A vine  trailing  on  the  ground,  neglected  and  friend- 
less, instead  of  encircling  some  branching  oak.  No  link  to  bind  to 
posterity.  A dreary,  spiritless  life  indeed.  And  a death  still  more 
dreary.  But  more  to  be  pitied  and  forgotten  than  remembered.  u Ver- 
ily they  that  sleep  in  seed-time  shall  want  in  harvest,  and  perish  in 
winter.” 

But,  however  deserving  old  bachelors  may  be  of  these  strictures— 

7 


146 


THE  LAWS  AND  CONDITIONS  OF  LOVE. 


give  ’em  fits  : they  deserve  it — we  old  maids  are  certainly  excusable, 
on  the  ground  that,  forbidden  by  society  to  make  selections,  we  are 
not  to  blame  for  not  being  selected.” 

44  Yes  you  are,  though.  Make  yourselves  selectable.  If  you  have  not 
had  offers,  it  is  because  you  deserve  none.  For  if  you  had  but  de- 
served, you  would  have  had.14  You  have  retired,  turtle  like,  head 
and  feet  included,  within  your  shell.  Whereas,  you  should  have 
manifested  your  attractions.  The  glow-worm  exhibits  her  glow,  else 
she  too  would  remain  undiscovered  in  the  dark.  When  woman  ren- 
ders herself  lovely , she  will  be  courted  and  loved.  And  it  is  the  loving 
who  are  loved.  The  unloving  only  who  are  neglected,  because  neg- 
lecting. Like  attracts  like.  And  the  indifferent  woman  receives  but 
indifference.  And  deserves  it.  Because  she  either  hides  her  light 
under  a bushel,  or  else  has  no  light  to  hide.  Which?  If  you  are 
womanly  you  will  show  it,  and  man  is  not  so  blind  as  not  to  discern 
female  charms.” 

44  But  I have  no  beauty  to  plead  for  me,  yet  age  against  me.” 

Do,  then,  the  charms  of  women  necessarily  vanish  with  age?  I 
tell  you  nay.  Let  any  woman  live  up  to  the  true  womanly  spirit, 
and  she  will  grow  more  lovely  and  loved  as  age  advances.39 

No,  elderly  maiden,  the  trouble  is,  your  love  element  is  either 
sickly  or  dormant.  Probably  sickly.  As,  by  a law  of  eating,  hunger 
often  turns  the  stomach,  so  as  to  beget  nausea  and  daintiness,  so  love 
suppres-sed  often  becomes  reversed.  It  looks  upon  marriage  and  the 
other  sex  as  a poor  affair — sour  grapes — and  hence  repels,  instead  of 
attracting.  And  this  causes  charm  after  charm  to  wane.  And  chance 
after  chance — at  least  a chance  to  make  a chance — to  pass  unim- 
proved. Themselves  wholly  to  blame,  they  yet  pine  on  over  their 
supposed  misfortune,  yet  deserve  their  fate.  And  this  pining  dimin- 
ishes their  charms  by  mildewing  the  sexual  element,  and  reincreasing 
their  daintiness.  That  is,  it  mars  their  sexuality.4  5 6 

44  But  should  a maiden  lady  of  forty  marry  ?” 

44  4 Better  late  than  never.’  That  you  have  postponed  thus  long, 
only  renders  it  re-important  that  you  delay  no  longer.  Now,  if  ever. 
Really,  you  have  wasted  your  precious  time,  and  more  precious  self 
long  enough  already.” 

44  But  how  shall  I begin  7” 

By  cultivating  a warm,  cordial,  conjugal  spirit , or  cast  of  feeling , 
that  is,  the  domestic  qualities , you  will  elicit  proposals.  There  are 
plenty  of  men  of  all  ages  dying  for  want  of  good  wives.  All  the 
promptings  they  require  to  induce  them  to  select  you,  is  to  perceive 
that  you  possess  the  love  element  requisite  for  rendering  you  a good  wife. 


FEMALES  LEADING  OFF  IN  COURTSHIP. 


147 


Bat  many  old  maids  too  often  deserve  little  sympathy.  Many  of 
them  have  brought  on  their  fate  by  excessive  modesty — even  prudery. 
Perhaps  for  not  having  courted  when  they  should  have  done.  Per- 
haps by  allowing  themselves  to  fall  back  into  a moody,  or  misan- 
thropic, or  cold,  or  distant  state  of  feeling,  they  are  too  extra  particular 
or  modest  to  allow  any  man  to  place  himself  upon  a base  sufficiently 
friendly  or  familiar  to  even  judge  of  their  merits  or  fitness  for  com- 
panionship. As  the  pent-up  spring  bursts  out  and  bubbles  up  some - 
where ; as  the  beautiful  flower  opens  out  its  young  petals  to  admira- 
tion, and  gives  off  its  fragrance  • as  the  ripening  fruit  proclaims  its 
ripeness  by  its  color  and  odor  ; as  all  the  human  faculties  ought  ever 
to  be  on  exhibition , so  you  too  must  show  your  excellences.  Else  how 
can  you  expect  them  to  be  appreciated  ? And  appreciated,  in  order  to 
be  selected.  Come,  no  more  of  this  downcast,  sober-sided,  extra-partic- 
ular, feezy,  fussy,  nippy,  prudish,  old-maidism.  Take  lessons  of  girls. 
Be  more  girlish  and  spark- ling.  And  surely  a woman  may  be  more 
frank  and  free  than  a girl.  Smile  often,  and  sweetly.  Laugh,  and 
provoke  laughter.  And  note  and  admire  the  excellences  of  gen- 
tlemen. Even  compliment  them.  This  will  bring  return  compli- 
ments. Talk.  This  will  excite  conversation,  and  exhibit  your  own 
character,  besides  ascertaining  that  of  gentlemen.  Rely  less  on  dress 
and  ceremonious  appearances,  but  more  on  your  womanly  nature. 

Nor  reject  an  offer  because  not  just  exactly  in  accordance  with  your 
fastidious  taste.  But  calculate  first  upon  the  main  chances  ; and  sec- 
ondly, on  molding  the  balance  after  marriage — of  which,  hereafter. 
Nor  do  I object  to 

FEMALES  LEADING  OFF  IN  COURTSHIP. 

LTp  to  twenty,  it  may  be  more  proper  for  girls  to  be  courted  than  to 
court ; but  after  that,  certainly  at  twenty-five,  it  is  no  more  improper 
for  woman  to  make  the  first  advances  than  man,  so  that  she  makes 
them  properly.  And  she  certainly  knows  just  how  to  express  love 
preferences  with  quite  as  much  propriety  as  man.  More.  And  there 
are  plenty  of  men  unmarried  just  because  uncourted — plenty  who 
need  a wife  more  forward  than  themselves,75  and  of  course  one  who 
will  both  begin,  and  take  the  lead  in,  courtship.  B-ut  as  custom  pre- 
vents this,  they  live  on  unmarried. 

Many  other,  especially  youngerly  men,  are  too  modest,  backward, 
bashful  to  express  the  preference  they  feel,  lest  they  be  declined. 
They  underrate  themselves,  yet  overrate  the  female  they  prefer;  and 
hence,  though  dying  with  pent-up  love,  yet  its  very  intensity  silences  its 
expression.19  They  only  require  that  the  ice  be  broken  by  some  lady- 


148 


THE  LAWS  AND  CONDITIONS  OF  LOVE. 


like  compliment  from  her — some  leading  off,  courteous,  kindly,  friendly 
expression,  sufficient  at  least  to  signify  that  their  affection  would  be  re- 
ciprocated, to  express  their  love  frankly,  and  become  most  excellent 
conjugal  partners.  Their  worshipful  adoration  of  the  sex — the  very 
element  best  calculated  to  make  them  good  companions,  prevents  their 
taking  the  first  step. 

But  after  all,  is  not  woman  in  reality  the  very  one  to  initiate  love  ? 
The  principle  which  underlies  this  subject  will  be  found  in  Vol.  II. 
That  woman  is  the  angel  of  love  on  earth,  is  unquestionable.  There- 
fore, having  more  of  this  love  element,  appetite,  intuition,  she  can 
judge  better  than  man  whom  she  can  love,  and  who  can  love  her. 
And  those  matches  initiated  by  the  female,  always  eventuate  happi- 
ly ; except  where  she  courts  for  a home,  or  from  rivalry,  or  some 
other  motive  than  that  of  genuine  love.  But  show  me  a match  where 
a true  woman  was  the  first  to  feel  and  express  love,  and  I will  show 
you  parties  that  have  been  happy  together,  because  adapted  to  each 
other;  and  still  are,  unless  drink,  or  some  other  varying  cause,  comes 
in  to  prevent. 

Leap  Year  should  be  practically  observed,  or,  rather,  reversed. 
Three  years  for  the  ladies  to  make  advances,  to  one  for  gentlemen. 

This  view,  indeed,  differs  from  the  practice  of  Anglo-Saxon  so- 
ciety, yet  is  practiced  by  many  other  portions  of  the  human  family. 
And  it  is  correct,  because  scientific. 

OLD  BACHELORS. 

But  if  old  maids  are  not  excusable,  much  less  old  bachelors  ? If 
woman  should  make  sure  of  marriage,  how  much  more  so  man  ? If 
unmarried  females  past  twenty-four  are  without  excuse,  old  bach- 
elors must  surely  be  most  reprehensible.  And  they  are  so.  Nor  has 
any  one  of  them  a single  valid  excuse.  Scarcely  a shadow  even.  Let 
us  canvass  some  of  their  objections. 

u But  I would  discipline  my  mind.  Attain  this  or  that  intellectual 
end.  Go  to  college,  etc.,  from  which  marriage  will  divert  me” 

But  would  not  this  be  like  starving  the  stomach,  in  order  to  improve 
the  muscles  ? Like  dwarfing  feet,  to  render  hands  over- grown  ? This 
you  do  not  want.  Proportion  is  nature’s  universal  law. 

Besides,  in  the  mental  as  physical  man,  observing  the  law  of  any 
one  portion,  promotes  the  vigor  of  all  portions.  The  noblest,  highest 
advancement  in  intellect  can  be  secured  only  in  and  by  all  the  other 
faculties.  And  starving  the  social  in  order  to  develop  the  intellectual, 
is  like  stifling  the  heart  in  order  to  improve  the  Lead. 

u But  our  author  forgets  that  the  loss  of  one  sense  sharpens  up  all 


OLD  BACHELORS. 


149 


the  other  senses ; as,  blindness,  touch.  The  palpable  inference  from 
which  is,  that  the  dormancy  of  the  social  faculties  would  increase  the 
intellectual.” 

Your  fact  is  admitted,  but  not  your  reasoning.  Blindness  does  in- 
crease feeling,  but  because  it  compels  its  increased  action . Yet  what 
prevents  touch  from  being  increased  as  much  with  sight  as  without  ? 
Does  sight  hinder  touch  ? Why  can  not  touch  be  exercised  even  bet- 
ter with  sight  than  without,  provided  the  same  pains  were  taken  ? It 
is  the  increased  exercise  of  the  one,  not  the  loss  of  the  other,  which 
confers  this  increased  power.  And  this  wonderful  increase  of  the 
others  but  shows  to  what  an  extraordinary  extent  all  might  be  carried, 
if  all  were  fully  cultivated. 

So  of  the  exercise  of  the  intellectual  faculties  as  regards  the  social. 
Intellect  can  be  exercised  all  the  more  in  combination  with  active 
social  than  dormant  affections.35  38  By  a law  of  mind,  all  exercise  of 
any  one  faculty  naturally  promotes  that  of  all  the  others. 

Admitted,  that  an  unhappy  marriage  hinders  literary  pursuits — 
though  no  marriage  ever  need  be  unhappy2 — yet  love  helps,  not  hinders, 
intellectual  culture.25  10  39 

Nature’s  help-meet  law  is  a universal  institute.  True,  a literary 
man  should  have  a literary  wife.  Yet  such  will  help,  and  in  a 
thousand  ways,  not  hinder.  Indeed,  as  the  sexes  study  much  bet- 
ter together  than  apart,13  doubly  so  husband  and  wife.  Can  not  a 
minister  preach  better  with  than  without  a wife?  Then  why 
not  lecturers  lecture,  authors  write,  and  naturalists  study  better 
with  than  without  a help-meet  ? But  as  we  shall  discuss  the 
principle  which  underlies  this  whole  subject  in  Part  III.,  we  dismiss 
this  excuse  as  based  on  wrong  premises.  And  this  answer  holds 
clearly  good  when  applied  to  each  and  every  other  human  pursuit 
and  end. 

“ But  taking  a wife  is  an  eventful  step.  The  responsibilities  of  the 
male  are  much  greater  than  those  of  the  female.  He  is  expected  to 
support,  she  to  be  supported.  And  to  have  a clinging  wife  and  help- 
less children  dependent  on,  looking  up  to  one,  and  all  the  cares  and 
responsibilities  of  the  family  resting  on  one’s  shoulders,  is  no 
trifle.” 

Really,  then,  are  you  so  very  a poltroon  as  to  let  such  prospective 
obligations  oppress  you  ? Have  you  no  more  stamina  than  this  ? 
Suppose  a young  lion,  shaking  his  head  moodily,  should  be  overheard 
by  other  lions  to  say,  u I don’t  know  about  this  getting  a lioness  and 
a parcel  of  little,  blind,  howling  whelps  to  hunt  for.  I can  hardly 
hunt  for  myself,  much  less  be  obliged  to  hunt  for  them  also,  lest  they 


150 


THE  LAWS  AND  CONDITIONS  OF  LOVE. 


or  i should  come  to  want.55  Wouldn’t  tne  other  lions  say,  “Why, 
you  flunky  ! You  pretend  to  roar,  hey  ! yet  can  not  catch  extra  game 
enough  to  feed  half  a dozen  little  ones  ? Why,  you  are  dull  as  well 
as  lazy ; for,  see  here,  you  have  got  to  catch  a fresh  beef  every  night 
for  yourself,  or  starve,  or  else  eat  carrion,  and  can  not  eat  the  half  of 
it  before  it  spoils,  and  may  just  as  well  carry  the  surplus  home  to 
your  folks  as  not.  And  then  how  grateful  to  see  them  clutch  and 
devour  it  so  greedily,  and  then  look  up  with  satisfied  eyes  into  your 
face  ! Have  you  no  more  pluck  than  this  ? You  are  no  genuine  lion, 
but  only  a counterfeit.  Mate,  or  we  will  turn  you  out  of  our  fra- 
ternity.55 

To  support  a family  in  a plain  way  costs  but  little  if  any  more  than 
to  support  one’s  self.19  Your  fundamental  error  consists  in  basing 
your  calculations  upon  a stylish  support.  You  start  with  this  false 
premise,  “ Better  no  family  than  one  not  supported  in  style.” 
Whereas,  the  true  family  base  is,  “ Better  a family  supported  in  a plain 
way  than  no  family.”  The  necessities  of  life  cost  but  little.  Plain 
food — much  more  healthy  for  a family  than  expensive  dishes,  as  our 
Third  Volume  will  show — is  cheap;  so  of  raiment,  furniture,  house-rent, 
everything.  It  is  other  people’s  eyes  that  cost  so  much.  The  error  lies 
in  your  ambition.  You  incur  the  terrible  doom  of  a barren  heart,38 
which  you  also  fasten  on  some  female,  besides  robbing  your  race  of 
the  children  you  might  and  ought  to  rear  it,  because,  forsooth,  you 
can  not  support  as  costly  an  establishment,  buy  as  many  fine  dresses 
and  diamonds,  and  dash  out  in  as  splendid  style  as  this  or  that 
acquaintance.  And  our  race  is  to-day  minus  hundreds  of  thousands 
of  its  best  specimens ; minus  all  their  happiness  and  productions,  just 
on  account  of  these  fashionable  ideas.  That  is,  you  place  fashion 
above  nature.  But,  mark,  you  are  preparing  your  back  for  nature’s 
lash.38 

“ But  young  men  rarely  rise  above  the  sphere  in  which  they  marry, 
and  hence  should  postpone  marriage  till  wealthy  enough  to  marry 
into  some  F.  F.  V.  family.” 

Your  premises  are  wrong.  Families  are  constantly  rising  and  sink- 
ing, according  to  their  means  and  merits — though  more  means  than 
merits.  If  a family  but  has  the  u rocks”  it  matters  not  a straw 
whether  it  acquired  them  before  marriage  or  after.  You  will  be 
respected  in  proportion  to  your  dollars , irrespective  of  when  you  got 
them ; or  even  how , for  that  matter. 

In  one  financial  aspect,  however,  your  excuse  is  valid.  Your  hav- 
ing five  thousand  dollars  might  enable  you  to  marry,  perhaps,  twenty 
or  fifty,  while  having  but  one  thousand  might  prevent  your  marrying 


OLD  BACHELORS 


161 


more  than  one  or  two.  But  this  virtually  puts  your  marriage  on  a 
merely  monetary  base,  of  which  hereafter. 

u But  all  our  refined,  educated  girls — and  I want  only  such — are 
brought  up  in  a style  of  luxury  far  above  my  means.  And  to  place 
one  such  in  a common  house,  with  common  surroundings,  is  to  wrong 
her.77 

Not  if  she  prefers  plainness  with  you  to  celibacy  without.  If  she 
is  willing,  on  learning  your  circumstances,  to  conform  to  them,  you 
do  her  one  of  the  greatest  favors  by  marrying  her,  but  of  wrongs  if 
you  do  not.  If  she  is  content,  surely  you  should  be.  If  you  love  her, 
and  she  loves  you,  it  is  your  duty  to  take  her,  whatever  your  or  her 
circumstances  may  be.  But  if  she  prefers  style  to  you,  you  do  not 
want  her,  however  rich  you  or  she  may  be. 

Yet,  would  that  our  stylish  females  could  but  see  that  their  ex- 
pensiveness, by  furnishing  a plausible  excuse  to  many  men  either  not 
to  marry  at  all,  or  else  to  postpone  until  quite  advanced,  thereby 
obliges  them  either  to  remain  unmarried,  or  to  take  up  with  old 
bachelors.  And  good  enough  for  them.  They  placed  style  above 
nature,  and  deserve  the  consequences. 

Ci  But  as  there  are  so  many  more  unhappy  than  happy  marriages,  my 
chances  are  so  small  that  really  it  is  not  prudent  to  venture.  In 
business,  in  other  chances,  I am  not  afraid  to  run  risks ; but  in  this, 
fear  overcomes  desire.77 

But  will  you  live  on  wages,  because  nine  young  men  in  every  ten 
who  set  up  in  business  fail  ? 

Yet  in  marriage  none  need  ever  fail.  Only  those  are  unhappy  wrho, 
by  chance  or  mismanagement,  break  some  love  law.  Your  happiness 
or  misery  depends  almost  wholly  on  yourself,  not  at  all  on  others. 
Fulfill  nature’s  love  institutes — follow  out  the  doctrine  of  this  book — 
and  you  may  rest  assured  of  a happy  conjugal  state,  though  all  others 
are  unhappy. 

“ But  I am  loth  to  marry,  lest  I entail  my  own  faults,  physical  or 
mental,  on  posterity.77 

This  excuse,  urged  by  both  sexes,  is  so  general  and  plausible  as  to 
deserve  a final  answer.  It  is  this : Those  who  are  too  weakly,  im- 
perfect, or  diseased  to  parent  children  sufficiently  strong,  if  brought 
up  physiologically,  to  live  and  grow  up,  attain  and  fulfill  a fair  hu- 
man life,  and  become  useful  members  of  society,  nature  will  not  per- 
mit to  become  parents.  She  will  not  begin  any  work  she  can  not  com- 
plete. No  disease,  not  even  consumption,  is  ever  transmitted,  but 
only  weakness  of  organs.  Observe  Nature7s  health  laws,  and  she  will 
gradually  and  surely  increase  the  relative  strength  of  those  weak 


152 


THE  LAWS  AND  CONDITIONS  OF  LOVE. 


organs  until  they  become  nearly  as  strong  as  the  others.  It  is  abuse 
of  the  life  laws  which,  by  filling  the  system  with  disease,  causes  it  to 
settle  on  these  organs,  which  induces  consumption  and  other  so-called 
hereditary  complaints  ; whereas,  if  this  disease  had  not  been  aug- 
mented in  the  system,  these  organs  would  have  escaped.  All  heredi- 
tary disease  can  both  be  kept  at  bay  and  outgrown  by  a right 
physiological  life.  A point,  however,  to  be  more  fully  discussed 
hereafter. 

Besides,  till  our  world  is  full,  better  poor  children  than  none  at  all. 
And  doubly  better  for  you.  By  all  the  prospective  happiness  even  in- 
ferior ones  might  enjoy  through  life,  and  you  in  them;  by  all  the 
variegated  labors  they  would  be  able  to  effect,  business  create,  ideas 
originate,  and  projects  execute,  from  birth  to  death ; by  even  all  the 
hopes  and  happiness  of  immortality  itself,  is  the  birth  of  even  weakly 
children  better  than  none.  Infinitely  better  that  they  be  born,  even 
though  they  die ; for  their  happy  spirits  will  await  your  coming,  to 
call  you  father,  mother,  in  another  world.  Then  those  who  can  be- 
come parents  should.  And  will  have  their  reward. 

u But  I can  adopt  children.” 

Not  your  own.  Own  children  constitute  nature’s  only  object  for 
parental  love.41  Yet,  of  course,  better  adopted  ones  than  none.  But, 
best  of  all,  to  provide  yourself  with  a goodly  number  of  your  own,  and 
those  healthy,  and  talented,  and  good,  to  love,  care  for,  play  with, 
die  with,  and  be  buried  by.  Nor  is  there  any  getting  around  or  by  this 
point.  Ask  any  parent,  especially  mother,  to  describe  the  thrill  felt 
on  first  hearing  their  first-born’s  voice.  Yet  the  full  power  of  this 
point  will  be  seen  better  from  another  stand-point. 

u But  I can  not  get  any  one  I am  willing  to  have” 

The  more’s  the  pity.  Are  you,  then,  so  very  ordinary  yourself  that 
you  can  not  get  any  one  worthy  your  having  ? Poor  coote,  indeed  ! 
And  own  it  at  that.  And  crave  our  sympathies  besides.  But  are 
you  so  very  perfect  yourself  that  yon  can  find  no  one  equally  so  ? Or 
would  you,  yourself  faulty,  insist  on  marrying  only  those  who  are 
perfect  ? Enough  if  you  obtain  one  as  good  as  yourself.  Only  those 
who  are  perfection  themselves  should  insist  on  perfection  in  a 
partner. 

But  fie  for  these,  for  all  other  like  excuses.  When  weighed  in  the 
scale  against  nature’s  imperious  matrimonial  requisitions,38  they 
amount  to  nothing.  Having  weighed  the  most  important,  and  found 
them  mere  gas,  why  weigh  more?  “ Not  worth  shucks,”  either 
singly,  or  all  combined.  They  leave  each  and  all  wholly  without  a 
valid  excuse,  and  speechless.  At  war  with  nature  and  with  nature’s 


OLD  BACHELORS. 


153 


God,  and,  of  course,  “ gathering  up  wrath  against  the  day  of  wrath.” 
Not  one  of  them,  applied  to  any  other  human  requisition,  such  as  for 
food,  breath,  exercise,  books,  worship,  etc.,  would  stand  one  moment. 
Nor  will  they  here.  The  trouble  lies  within , not  without.  In  their 
own  inherent  defectiveness,  not  in  these  flimsy  excuses.  They  almost 
always  have  small  Hope  with  excessive  Cautiousness.  They  fear  to 
jump  out  of  the  frying-pan  of  celibacy,  lest  they  land  in  the  fire  of 
discord,  and  so  fry  on.  In  cautiously  avoiding  Scylla,  they  wreck 
themselves  on  Charybdis.  They  wait  till  all  the  golden  fruits  are 
plucked  from  among  their  acquaintances,  and  go  farther  only  to  fare 
worse,  emerging  from  the  other  side  of  the  wood  with  its  crookedest 
stick. 

At  last  age  and  delay  make  against  them  in  every  aspect.  Many, 
extra-fastidious  and  over-dainty,  not  finding  exactly  the  matrimonial 
element  they  fancy,  starve  on — starve  to  death.  Yet  are  the  last  ones 
to  put  up  with  a like  fastidiousness  in  old  maids.  Poor,  dainty  old 
bachelors  ! Leafless,  branchless,  fruitless,  barkless,  heartless,  root- 
less, shriveled-up  trunks,38  smoldering  out  by  slow  inches.  Some 
crusty,  others  lively.  Some  always  in  love,  but  never  enough20  to 
propose,  flitting  from  flower  to  flower,  but  never  lighting  ; often  woo- 
ing, but  never  mating ; others  cold  as  an  iceberg,  and  always  in  the 
sulks.  Some  talkative,  others  demure.  Some  heart-broken,  others 
heartless  and  without  sweethearts.  But  all  untrue  to  nature.  Shall 
we  pity  or  despise  most?  Neither;  for  both  imply  inferiority; 
whereas  they  often  have  many  most  excellent  traits.  Then  shall  we 
chide?  No;  for  that  always  makes  worse.  Array  them  in  their 
best,  and  send  to  bail  and  party?  No;  for  this  does  not  favor  indi- 
vidual admiration  or  selection.  They  have  become  congealed,  and 
only  need  thawing  out.  Read  them  this  book,  and  then  assault  them 
with  the  natural  language  of  love.  Or  else  send  them  to  us,  and  we 
will  suit  them  with  this  one  or  that,  despite  their  fastidiousness,  and 
pull  them  out  of  their  u slough  of  despond.” 

But  as  {:  who  would  be  free,  himself  must  strike  the  blow,”  so  they 
themselves , doffing  their  bachelorism,  should  cultivate  this  love  ele- 
ment.63847 Should  cherish  that  female  appreciation  which  once 
rendered  them  so  admired  and  loving.  Should  note  the  good  in 
female  character,  not  the  defects.  Should  go  with,  wait  on  this 
or  that  female,  to  picnic  or  sleigh-ride,  party  or  lecture,  Mav-day 
excursion  or  watering  place.  Should  exchange  masculine  associates 
for  feminine.  Especially  should  read  this  section  ; and  if  it  does  not 
induce  a matrimonial  mood,  then  they  must  indeed  be  joined  to 
their  idols.  Let  them  alone”  to  die.  Are  now  almost  dead. 


154 


THE  LAWS  AND  CONDITIONS  OF  LOVE. 


Then  say  not  you  never  intend  to  marry.  You  talk  like  a child. 
As  well  say  you  never  intend  to  eat,  or  talk,  or  think.  It  is  excus- 
able as  a make-believe,  and  to  call  out  additional  persuasions,  just  as 
it  is  excusable  in  a musician  to  half  decline  to  perform,  only  to  re- 
increase  invitation.  But  as  concerns  an  honest  declaration  of  a pur- 
pose, every  man  and  woman  should  say,  u I want  and  mean  to  love 
and  marry.  And  as  soon  as  I can  find  a right  subject.  And  I shall 
look  right  assiduously,  too.” 


EXCLUSIVE  LOVE  VS.  PROMISCUOUS. 


165 


SECTION  IY. 

PAIRING  A NATURAL  INSTITUTE:  OR  EXCLUSIVE  LOVE  VS 

PROMISCUOUS. 

Love  being  thus  a primitive  human  element,  and  its  exercise  an 
imperious  human  necessity,38  of  course  Nature  expressly  provides  its 
specific , legitimate  object.  Else  it  would  be  like  creating  appetite 
without  food,  eyes  without  light,  etc.  Then,  is  that  object  single  or 
plural  ? Does  Nature  restrict  love  to  one  of  the  opposite  sex.  or  allow 
and  require  its  promiscuous  indulgence  ? Or  does  she  leave  so  im- 
portant a matter  at  loose  ends  ? Or  require  exclusiveness  of  one,  and 
promiscuosity  of  another?  Does  she  not  regulate  all  her  works,  down 
even  to  their  minutest  details,  by  immutable  laws  ? And  is  not  love 
Nature’s  work  ?4  Then  is  not  it  also  thus  regulated?  She  has  her 
governing  love  laws.  Must  have.  And  they  are  as  imperious  as  the 
love  element  they  govern.38  And  they  regulate  this  matter  of  one 
love  or  many  loves.2  And  rewards  their  observances,  but  punishes 
their  infractions.2  She  therefore  either  requires  or  prohibits  promis- 
cuosity. If  requires,  let  all  the  world  know  and  practice  it.  For 
being  her  law,  it  is  both  right,  and  sacredly  obligatory  on  all.38  But 
if  she  requires  but  one  love,  let  all  the  world  know  that.  She  is  right. 
Her  requirements  are  God’s  eternal  laws.  Let  us  then  inquire  at  her 
shrine  what  first  principles  underlie  this  whole  subject,  and  make 
their  observation  a matter  of  conscience , as  it  is  of  self-interest. 

All  problems,  legal,  ethical,  and  philosophical,  are  solved  by  their 
bearing  on  some  generic  principle.  So  is  this.  Then  by  what  ? That 
of  progeny.  Since  sexuality,  love,  and  whatever  appertains  to  either, 
both  centers  in  and  is  adapted  to  promote  the  greatest  number  and 
highest  order  of  progeny,  of  course  as  far  as  exclusive  or  promiscuous 
love  is  adapted  to  promote  this  greatest  of  all  ends,  so  far,  but  no  far- 
ther, is  it  the  law  of  love.  Then  which  is  thus  best  adapted,  and 
how  far  is  either  ? is  the  practical  determining  question.  Individual 
cases  such  as  whether  Ruth  was  true  or  false  to  the  highest  human 
and  feminine  type  in  seeking  and  Boaz  in  granting  her  maternity  out 
of  wedlock  * nor  whether  the  general  admiration  she  receives  should 
not  be  reversed  ; nor  whether  Abram  was  right  or  wrong  in  securing 


156 


PAIRING  A NATURAL  INSTITUTE. 


issue  by  Hagar;  nor  whether  the  women  of  Benjamin  did  right  to  re- 
plenish their  tribe;  nor  whether  the  race  is  the  better  or  the  worse 
for  those  born  of  illicit  love  ; nor  whether,  if  there  were  no  matri- 
mony, it  would  be  better  for  the  race  to  cease  than  perpetuate  itself 
without  matrimony ; nor  what  shall  be  done  when  one  conjugal  part- 
ner desires  and  is  capacitated  for  issue,  and  the  other  not;  nor 
whether  our  laws  and  customs  should  or  should  not  be  so  changed  as 
to  relieve  those  who  thus  suffer — but  only  whether  those  thus  capac- 
itated, in  the  great  aggregate,  are  naturally  adapted  to  produce  and 
rear  the  most  and  the  best  children  by  promiscuous  love,  or  by  confining 
themselves  to  but  one  parental  partner.  That  is,  whether  promiscu- 
osity  is  Nature’s  law,  and  exclusiveness  sheer  prudery ; or  whether  it 
is  best  that  all  the  offspring  of  either  parent  shall  be  by  the  other. 
That  is,  will  many  loves,  or  one  love,  people  the  earth  with  the  most 
or  best  inhabitants  ? Nature  has  answered,  One  love,  incompara- 
bly,” by  her7 phrenological  organ  and  faculty  of 

41.  conjugality;  or  the  pairing  instinct. 

This  organ,  discovered  among  the  last,  is  located  on  the  two  sides 
of  Parental  Love,  and  between  Amativeness  and  Adhesiveness — a lo- 
cation peculiarly  adapted  to  its  otfice,  which  is  to  unite  all  the  domes- 
tic faculties  in  one  congregated  unity. 

Its  real  office  centers  in  and  provides  for  and  rearing  of  children,  in 
and  by  uniting  their  parents  in  dual  affection  for  life.  If,  like  the 
fabled  Minerva  from  the  brain  of  Jupiter,  man  had  been  brought  forth 
in  the  full  perfection  of  all  his  faculties,  capable,  from  the  first,  of 
taking  all  needed  care  of  himself,  there  would  have  been  no  requisi- 
tion for  parental  affection  or  nursing.  Whereas,  instead,  every  infant 
is  born  perfectly  idiotic,  not  knowing  even  that  fire  will  burn  ; and  so 
helpless  that,  but  for  great  and  long-continued  provisions  for  its  wants, 
every  one  must  inevitably  die,  and  the  very  race  itself,  notwithstand- 
ing all  its  powTers,  perish. 

For  this  supply  of  infantile  necessities,  Nature  must  need  make  some 
ample  provision.  One  every  way  abundant  and  absolute.  She  has 
seen  fit  to  make  it  by  ordaining  that  adults,  having  surplus  strength, 
shall  care  for  infants — a contrivance  of  infinite  wisdom. 

But  she  must  need  specify  what  particular  adult  shall  care  for  each 
individual  infant.  Else,  as,  what  is  everybody’s  business  is  nobody’s, 
many,  if  not  most  infants,  would  even  yet  be  neglected.  She  makes 
this  specification  in  and  by  Parental  Love — that  instinctive  feeling 
which  prompts  every  parent  to  care  for  his  or  hor  own  young.  This 
brings  another  powerful  faculty,  namely,  my  own.  into  requisition.  As 


CONJUGALITY;  OR  THE  PAIRING  INSTINCT. 


157 


if  Nature  had  left  all  the  hens  in  general  to  brood  over  and  scratch  for 
all  the  chickens  in  general,  little  brooding  or  scratching  would  have 
been  done — one  old  hen  saying,  u I scratch,  scratch,  scratch  for  all 
these  chickens,  while  you  sit  there  doing  nothing — no,  indeed57 — and 
as,  when  another  chick  enters  her  brood,  she  peels  its  pate  right 
quickly,  and  because  not  hers,  though  having  but  a single  one  of  her 
own,  and  every  way  able  to  scratch  for  and  brood  over  both,  so  if 
Nature  had  left  all  the  adults  in  general  to  care  for  all  children  in 
general,  few  would  have  been  cared  for,  because  not  their  own. 
Whereas,  instead,  she  allots  every  infant  to  some  one  adult,  by  or- 
daining that  each  parent  shall  love  and  care  for  his,  her  own  young. 
And  how  infinitely  beautiful  and  perfect  this  natural  provision  for 
parents  as  well  as  children  ! These  parents,  having  surplus  time, 
money,  and  energy,  must  expend  it  on  something,  or  die  of  plethora. 
Upon  what,  then,  could  parents  expend  their  surplus  as  pleasurably 
or  profitably  as  on  their  children 1 And  Nature  pays  them  therefor, 
in  and  by  this  very  caring  itself.  For  it  is  quite  as  great  a luxury 
for  parents  to  have  children  to  inherit  their  name,  affections,  property, 
and  characteristics,  as  for  children  to  inherit.  And  the  race  is  multi- 
plied besides. 

Another  beautiful  provision  in  this  loving  and  rearing  own  young 
is  found  in  the  hereditary  law  of  resemblances  between  children  and 
their  parents.  As  parent  elephant  is  much  better  adapted  to  rear 
young  elephants  than  young  chickens,  and  parent  turkeys  young  tur- 
keys than  young  lions  or  eagles,  so  not  only  are  human  parents  much 
better  adapted  to  rear  human  than  animal  young,  but  also  each 
particular  human  being  is  expressly  adapted  to  rear  own  children, 
because  both  have  the  same  peculiarities.  The  %more  so,  because 
parental  self-love  likes  their  own  traits  in  their  children,  even  their 
actual  faults  included. 

Moreover,  in  order  to  its  complete  rearing  and  fitting  for  the  great 
stage  of  human  life,  every  child  requires  a father  to  help  provide  for, 
educate,  and  mold,  almost  as  much  as  produce.  Though  the  mother 
can,  indeed,  preserve  its  life,  and  supply  its  cardinal  wants,  yet  it 
imperiously  requires  a father  to  provide  food,  raiment,  domicile,  etc., 
and  a mother  to  serve  them  up;  him  to  judge  and  counsel,  her  to  per- 
suade and  stimulate  ; him  to  guide  the  head  and  hands,  her  to  mold 
the  heart  and  manners  ; and  both  to  round  up  and  perfect  the  charac- 
ter.13 14  And  I pity  that  child  brought  up  by  its  mother  only,  because 
consequently  imperfect. 

But,  in  order  that  the  father  may  thus  help  rear  his  children,  it 
becomes  first  necessary  that  he  knows  for  certain  whichhis  are.  He  ob 


158 


PAIRING  A NATURAL  INSTITUTE. 


viously  can  not  rely  on  physiognomical  and  other  resemblances, 
because  the  children  of  father,  brother,  cousin,  etc.,  are  likely  to  be  so 
near  like  his  own  as  to  preclude  their  certain  identification.  By  the 
importance,  therefore,  of  paternal  aid  in  rearing  children,  is  it  im- 
portant that  each  father  shall  know,  not  guess,  that  this  is  in  very  deed 
my  own  lineal  child. 

Nature  guarantees  this  knowledge  in  and  by  her  pairing  ordinances, 
and  has  interwoven  fidelity  therein  into  that  very  love  element  which 
produces.  That  is,  those  very  conditions  which  prompt  parents  to  the 
production  of  their  young,  also  prompt  them  to  that  very  exclusive- 
ness of  love  which  renders  him  certain  that  his  children  are  indeed 
“ bone  of  his  bone,  and  flesh  of  his  flesh.” 

Confirmatory  of  this  institute  and  its  rationale  is  the  fact,  that,  in 
all  those  tribes  of  animals  where  the  male  can  contribute  to  the  rear- 
ing of  his  young,  we  find  both  this  pairing  and  fidelity.  Yet  in  none 
where  he  can  not.  because  it  is  not  especially  needed.  Thus,  lion 
and  tiger  can  hunt  for  their  young  quite  as  well  as,  even  better  than, 
lioness  and  tigress.  So  of  birds.  Yet  in  the  bovine,  equine,  susine, 
and  other  like  tribes,  where  the  father  can  not  thus  contribute,  no 
such  pairing  exists.  This  is  both  a universal  fact,  and  based  in  a 
philosophical  necessity. 

Can,  then,  the  human  father  contribute  to  the  rearing  of  his  young? 
Can  he  not  ? And  since  he  can,  why  shouldn’t  he  ? Why  not  help 
rear  what  he  helped  to  produce  ? Some  argue  that  u the  mother  can 
and  should  take  all  necessary  care  of  her  children  till  they  are  seven, 
after  which  they  should  care  for  themselves,  thereby  developing  self- 
reliance  and  support,  so  necessary  through  life.57  And  the  great 
American  apostle  of  this  doctrine  has  literally  practiced  it,  by  allow- 
ing his  little  babe,  after  its  mother’s  death,  to  be  cared  for  by  another, 
who,  on  requesting  a childless  pair  to  adopt  it,  they  replied,  objecting- 
ly,  “ That  they  did  not  wish,  after  they  had  trained  it  to  their  liking, 
to  have  its  father  influence  it,”  were  answered,  u Never  fear;  he  will 
never  look  after  it.”  Abominable  ! Deliver  me  from  such  a father. 
And  would  it  not  be  too  much  to  impose  on  the  mother  the  entire 
labor  and  pain  of  bearing  and  nursing,  of  housing  and  feeding,  of 
educating  and  caring  for  her  young? 

In  this  case,  pray,  on  what  object  shall  human  masculines  expend 
their  surplus  acquisitions  and  pent-up  energies  and  affections  ? They 
must  needs  live  inane,  listless  lives,  uninspired  to  effort  by  those  pow- 
erful parental  stimulants88  40  by  which  Nature’s  arrangement  of  rear- 
ing his  own  young  now  inspires  them.  Far  be  the  day  from  me  when 
I shall  have  no  children  or  grandchildren  to  live  for  and  love,  and 


PAIRING  AS  AFFECTING  MANKIND. 


159 


be  lived  for  and  loved  by ; but  blest  that  day  in  which  they  were 
born. 

But  Nature  has  arranged  this  whole  matter  just  right,  all  round, 
by  ordaining  that  both  father  and  mother  shall  unite  in  rearing  their 
mutual  offspring,  by  providing  that  this  very  love  which  renders  him 
a father  shall  also  consecrate  the  mother  of  his  children  to  him  alone, 
from  before  their  first,  till  after  their  last  child.  And  that,  ordina- 
rily, all  the  children  of  each  parent  shall  also  be  by  the  other. 

The  rationale  of  this  principle  furnishes  the  base  of  that  argument 
drawn  from  instinct,  as  also  that  deduced  from  the  mine-and-thine 
feeling,  presently  to  be  introduced,43  44  by  showing  that  they  are  gen- 
uine, because  absolutely  necessary  to  the  rearing,  and  therefore  per- 
petuity, of  the  race. 

PAIRING  AS  AFFECTING  THE  NUMBER  AND  QUALITY  OF  MANKIND. 

As  Nature’s  entire  philosophy  of  this  whole  masculine,  feminine, 
and  love  institutes  centers  in  the  greatest  number  and  highest  order 
of  offspring,  we  may  expect  to  find  all  the  main  conditions  of  human 
perfection  written  by  her  all-perfecting  hand  into  the  conditions  of 
perfect  love. 

If  therefore  matrimony^ — a word  we  shall  hereafter  use  in  this  its 
true  etymological  sense,  namely,  that  of  one  female  or  mother,  while 
we  shall  use  marriage  for  its  general  legal  and  more  nominal  phrase 
— if  matrimony  is  better  adapted  to  secure  a greater  number  and 
higher  order  of  human  beings  than  promiscuosity,  we  shall  of  course 
find  this  love  element  to  attach  itself  to  but  one  of  the  opposite  ; while, 
if  promiscuosity  is  thus  adapted,  to  as  many  as  are.  Then,  is  one 
love,  or  are  many  loves,  thus  adapted  ? 

One.  Infinitely  the  best.  Does  it  not  ripen  up  this  love  sentiment, 
and  fit  it  for  its  creative  office,  much  earlier  and  better  than  diver- 
sity ? Is  it  not  specifically  adapted  to  enable  the  mothers  of  the  race 
to  fill  up  their  entire  maternal  period  with  bearing  or  nursing?  Does 
it  not  naturally  secure  all  the  progeny  the  female  can  produce,  or  both 
can  rear  ? What  more  is,  can  be,  wanted  ? 

Does  not  promiscuosity  both  greatly  diminish  the  number  and -vitiate 
the  quality  of  its  human  products,  as  compared  to  matrimony  ? Do 
u women  of  pleasure”  make  the  best  mothers  of  the  race  ? Do  they 
furnish  the  world  with  either  the  most  or  the  best  sons  of  genius  and 

* From  “ matrix?  which  signifies  mold,  mater,  or  mother,  or  female,  and  “monos” 
one,  and  meaning  one  mother  for  all  the  children,  expressing  both  that  duality  of  the 
love  institute,  as  well  as  that  heart-union  w*e  are  now  expounding ; while  monogamy 
signifies  only  the  legal  yoking  of  the  marriage  ceremony. 


160 


PAIRING  A NATURAL  INSTITUTE. 


daughters  of  moral  purity  and  loveliness  ? Instead,  how  few,  how 
inferior,  mentally,  and  how  depraved  their  children  ! Let  facts  answer. 

JEALOUSY  BASED  IN  EXCLUSIVENESS. 

And  is  not  promiscuosity  naturally  adapted  to  engender  and  prop- 
agate those  most  painful  and  life-destroying  diseases  which  both  in- 
duce impotence  long  before  the  close  of  the  parental  period,  besides 
cutting  off  their  victims  long  before  their  time?  What  is  to-day 
slowly  but  effectually  depopulating  the  Sandwich  Islands,  threaten- 
ing, at  its  present  rate,  to  extinguish  the  aboriginal  race  in  fifty 
years?  What  proportionably  consuming  many  nations  of  the, East? 
And  the  Mexican  peons  ? and  God  knows  how  many  more  besides  ? 
Now  it  needs  must  break  some  important , some  fundamental  law,  in 
order  to  induce  so  dire  a penalty.  For  the  severity  of  the  punish- 
ment measures  the  value  of  the  law  broken.3  This  punishment  is 
the  most  terrible  scourge  God  inflicts  on  man,  because  it  eventuates 
from  the  breach  of  Nature’s  most  important  law — exclusiveness.3 

Besides,  as  strong  a human  feeling  as  jealousy,  is  by  no  means  a 
fungus,  a parasite  of  love.  It  is  inherent,  and  must  needs,  therefore, 
have  its  rationale , and,  like  pain,  subserve  some  good  end.  Then 
what  ? 

Increased  multiplication;  on  the  well-known  physiological  principle 
that  continued  replanting  the  seeds  of  life  is  fatal  to  all.  It  is  always 
most  repugnant  to  the  mother,  because  already  thoroughly  imbued 
with  devotion  to  the  father  of  her  unborn.  This  one-paternity  argu- 
ment in  favor  of  one  love,  and  against  promiscuosity,  is  absolutely 
final.  Ci  On«  such  is  amply  sufficient,”  as  the 'judge  said  to  the 
twenty-one  reasons  why  a witness  was  not  present,  the  first  being  that 
he  was  dead.  u That  one  will  do.”  Even  among  unmating  animals, 
the  female  is  true  to  her  temporary  spouse  until  his  progeny  is  ma- 
tured. So  that,  even  here,  though  a re-mating  occurs  at  each  parent- 
age, yet  there  is  fidelity  to  that  one  during  germination. 

The  about  equal  number  of  males  and  females  still  further  strength- 
ens this  argument  in  favor  of  matrimony,  but  against  promiscuosity. 
Is,  indeed,  conclusive  that  Nature  has  adapted  one , and  but  one,  of 
each  sex  to  each  one  of  the  other,  because  a plurality  of  some  would 
rob  an  equal  number  of  others. 

Promiscuosity,  also,  always  produces  that  animal  phase  of  the  love 
sentiment  which,  besides  corrupting  the  parents,  deteriorates  offspring, 
while  one  love  promotes  that  purity  of  affection  which  exalts  and 
ennobles  both.  Of  which,  however,  more  fully  in  Yol.  II. 


LOVE  SELF-PERPETUATING. 


161 


MATRIMONY  AS  CREATING  HOMES  AND  FAMILIES. 

Of  the  influence  of  the  family  we  have  already  spoken.1  Yet,  pray, 
what  but  matrimony  gathers  mankind  into  families,  neighborhoods, 
associations,  villages,  and  cities,  and  thereby  embodies  all  the  influ- 
ence they  all  wield  over  man  ? 

Home,  too,  with  all  its  sweets  and  advantages,1  is  consequent 
mainly  on  this  same  Conjugality.  And,  accordingly,  the  phrenologi- 
cal organ  of  Inhabitiveness  joins,  and  is  right  over,  that  of  Conjugal- 
ity. We  will  not  now  stop  to  eulogize  ‘‘home,  sweet,  sweet  home,” 
nor  to  descant  on  the  practical  value  of  the  domiciliary  principle  as 
an  absolute  necessity  to  the  very  existence  of  the  race,  because  of  the 
rearing  of  its  young,  but  simply  ask,  How  many  houses  does  promiscu- 
ous love  ever  rear  or  furnish  ? Scarcely  one.  It  favors  neither  their 
provision  nor  improvement,  but,  instead,  discourages  both.  Abolish 
matrimony  in  the  sense  just  defined,  and  our  houses  would  soon  rot 
down,  homes  become  overrun  with  thorns,  thistles,  and  vermin, 
neighborhoods  broken  up,  and  society  disbanded  and  sent  back  to  its 
savage  elements.  Indeed,  in  what  is  the  whole  idea  of  “ real  estate” 
based,  and  in  what  does  its  inherent  value  mainly  consist,  if  not  in 
this  very  home  idea,  created  by  Conjugality? 

In  like  manner,  religious  meetings,  schools,  roads,  corporations, 
public  works,  and  a thousand  like  societary  customs  and  fixtures,  now 
so  common  that  their  utility  is  overlooked,  grow,  after  all,  mainly 
out  of  this  same  home  idea,  and  this  out  of  matrimony. 

42.  LOVE  SELF-PERPETUATING. 

What  higher,  stronger,  ad  hominem  evidence  of  the  durability  of 
anything  than  its  being  self-perpetuating  ? That  the  earth,  for  ex- 
ample, wflll  continue  its  diurnal  and  annual  motions  throughout  inter- 
minable ages,  than  the  fact  that  the  cause  of  these  motions  is  self- 
acting and  self-perpetuating?  That  a given  tree  is  long-lived,  than 
that  it  is  constitutionally  adapted  to  attain  and  maintain  this  longevity? 

Now,  since  the  natural  adaptation  of  a given  thing  to  a given  end 
furnishes  the  strongest  possible  argument  that  this  end  is  both  possible 
and  legitimate,  therefore  if  love  is  constitutionally  adapted  to  per- 
petuate and  reincrease  itself,  of  course  this  would  effectually,  abso* 
lutely  demonstrate  its  perpetuity.  Then  is  it  thus  adapted?  It  is. 
Mark  wherein  and  tvherefore. 

1.  By  the  law  of  happiness.  By  a primitive  law  of  being,  all  in- 
voluntarily and  necessarily  love  whatever  renders  them  happy.  And 
because  of,  and  in  proportion  to,  this  happiness.  But  hate  whatever 


102 


PAIRING  A NATURAL  INSTITUTE. 


renders  miserable*  and  for  a like  cause,  and  in  the  same  proportion. 
Indeed,  this  is  the  only  real  base  of  all  likes  and  dislikes,  desires  and 
repugnances.  This  is  an  obvious  law  of  things,  to  be  more  fully  proven 
hereafter.  Then  does  love  naturally  render  its  participants  more  and 
still  more  happy,  or  more  and  still  more  miserable,  in  each  other,  as  they 
live  together  in  its  exercise  ? If  happier,  this  law  necessarily  renders 
love  self-perpetuating  • but  if  more  miserable,  self-destructive,  as  re- 
gards each  other.  Then  is  it  so  delicious  at  first,  only  to  cloy,  sicken, 
and  the  more  effectually  disgust  afterward?  Or,  rather,  that  we 
should  relish  it  the  more  as  we  participate  in  it  the  longer  ? Is  it  a 
Jonah’s  gourd,  or  a cedar  of  Lebanon  ? Is  it  the  more  perfect  the 
longer,  or  the  shorter,  its  duration  ? Is  it  a mere  summer  fruit,  soon 
gone,  or  does  it  naturally  ripen  its  fruit  all  along  through  life,  and 
become  the  more  luxurious  as  life  advances  ? 

The  latter,  always  and  necessarily.  And  for  this  reason : by  ren- 
dering its  participants  inexpressibly  happy  in  each  other, Sec* IL  it  natu- 
rally and  necessarily  re-perpetuates  and  reincreases  itself.  Wherever 
sufficient  natural  affinity  exists  between  two  to  begin  to  love,  cherish- 
ing this  love,  by  rendering  them  happy  in  each  other,  will  continue  to 
re-unite,  re-enamor,  and  re-infatuate  each  with  the  other,  more  and 
more,  and  re-bind  them  the  more  indissolubly  together,  the  longer  they 
live  in  the  natural  spirit  of  true  love. 

Reader,  you  have  been  rendered  happy  by  various  means,  and  at 
different  periods  through  life.  But  what  one  thing  in  the  eagerness  of 
childhood,  or  the  hearty  appetites  of  youth,  or  the  enthusiasm  of  the 
antemeridian  of  life,  or  the  full  powers  of  manhood,  have  ever  even 
begun  to  render  you  as  ecstatically  happy  as  exchanging  love  with  that 
sacred  object  of  your  full-toned  affection  ? It  is  not  permitted  to 
fully-developed  humanity  to  be  rendered  as  ecstatically  happy  in  any 
other  acquisition  or  possession  as  in  and  by  the  one  beloved.  Nor  in 
the  exercise  of  any  other  faculty  as  in  that  of  love.  And  the  happier, 
the  more  intense  this  love.  Then  to  apply  this  law  and  fact  to  its 
perpetuity.  Mr.  A.  takes  a given  amount  of  pleasure,  say  one  in  an 
indefinite  scale,  with  Miss  B.,  during  their  first  day’s  interview.  This 
induces,  even  compels,  them  to  love  each  other,  and  desire  its  repeti- 
tion, in  the  same  degree.  Then  put  down  one  as  the  measure  of  their 
happiness  and  love  the  first  day,  and  one  for  the  second,  and  add  them 
together.  But,  remember,  the  pleasurable  reminiscences  of  the  first 
render  the  second  all  the  more  pleasurable,  and  this  makes  the  sum 
total  not  two,  but  say  two  and  a half.  These  two  days’  pleasure  now 
redouble  that  of  the  third,  and  these  three  that  of  the  fourth,  etc.,  ad 
infinitum , et  eeternum , so  that  the  fiftieth  is  far  more  pleasurable  than 


LOVE  SELF-PERPETUATING. 


168 


the  first,  and  the  five  hundredth  far  more  pleasurable  than  the  fiftieth. 
Thus,  by  a first  law  of  mind,  any  love  which  is  productive  of  mutual 
happiness — and  all  love  is  thus  productive — reincreases  the  love  itself, 
and  thereby  its  happiness,  by  all  the  previous  enjoyment  they  have 
taken  together.  And  this  renders  their  love  stronger  the  second  year 
than  the  first,  by  all  the  happiness  of  the  first,  and  the  tenth  by  all 
the  happinesss  of  the  nine  preceding,  and  the  fiftieth  by  all  the  hap- 
piness they  have  enjoyed  together  in  forty-nine  years,  and  so  on  till 
they  die.  This  is  true  in  practice  and  theory,  just  as  long  and  as  far 
as  both  parties  cherish  the  love  sentiment,  and  allow  nothing,  by 
abrading  it,  to  render  them  unhappy  in  each  other. 

2.  The  law  of  association  also  comes  in  to  still  further  reincrease 
and  perpetuate  love.  Even  antagonistic  cat  and  dog,  by  daily  associ- 
ation, come  to  live  passively,  and  even  play,  together  Becoming 
accustomed  to  noxious  substances,  as  alcohol,  tobacco,  etc.,  diminishes 
their  injurious  effects.  Accustoming  ourselves  to  the  same  room,  fur- 
niture, and  surroundings,  renders  them  the  more  agreeable,  even  if 
unpleasant,  the  longer  the  association. 

Then  does,  or  does  not,  this  well-known  law  of  mind,  apply  equally 
to  love  ? It  does.  Only  with  redoubled  force,  because  its  associations 
are  so  infinitely  the  more  pleasurable.  Why  do  we  love  the  associa- 
tions of  childhood’s  home,  but  because  of  the  happiness  experienced 
there  ? And  the  happier  the  more.  Then  why  not  thus  of  love,  only 
the  more  because  the  more  pleasurable  ? 

Reader,  take  a twilight  walk,  when  departing  day  vails  nature  in  a 
halo  of  beauty  and  loveliness  peculiarly  favorable  to  meditation,  and 
then  throw  yourself  into  a musing,  retrospective  mood.  Memory  now 
recalls  the  times  and  seasons  of  yore.  But  what  scenes  as  vivid  as 
those  of  your  young  love  ? Your  soul,  perhaps  eye,  fills  with  their 
reminiscences.  What  would  you  not  give  for  a leaf,  a flower,  from 
the  pathway  you  then  trod,  or  the  mound  you  sat  upon  together  ? Or 
apples  from  that  old  tree  under  whose  boughs  you  both  talked  and 
feasted  on  fruit  and  love  together  ? How  delightful  would  they  be, 
because  associated  with  recollections  so  pleasurable  ! Now,  suppose 
your  entire  life  filled  fuller  and  fuller  with  these  delightful  experiences 
and  reminiscences  of  love,  all  centering  in  the  same  conjugal  object, 
but  intermingled  wfith  no  painful  ones.  Would  you  be  willing  to  sur- 
render this  long-tried  object  of  love  for  some  new,  untried  stranger  ? 
Would  then  the  newest  broom  sweep  cleanest?  If  so,  take  it,  but  let 
me  keep  the  old.  It  is  love  both  u that  giveth  yet  increaseth.” 

3.  Sympathy  constitutes  still  another  law  of  mind  by  which  wq 
come  to  love  those  for  whom  we  do,  and  on  whom  we  take,  pity. 


164 


PAIRING  A NATURAL  INSTITUTE. 


Thus,  the  nursing  mother  loves  her  sickliest  child  best.  Even  novels 
often  originate  love  in  one  nursing  or  saving  the  life  of  the  other. 
True,  donees  gratefully  love  donors — the  poor,  the  benevolent — but 
givers  more  than  receivers,  and  parents  than  children.  For  doing 
awakens  more  love  than  even  receiving. 

Then  does  not  this  well-known  law  of  mind  naturally  reincrease  the 
love  of  both  conjugal  partners  for  each  other  ? Does  not  love  involun- 
tarily do  for  those  beloved  ?28  In  a true  love  state,  each  is  constantly 
doing — he  in  his  daily  toil  or  business,  she  in  her  domestic  sphere — 
for  the  other,  and  their  mutual  young ; thereby  perpetually  reincreas- 
ing their  own  and  each  other’s  love.  Doubly  so  if  either  is  sick — a 
strong  reason  why  wives  should  superintend  the  creature  comforts  of 
husband  and  children. 

4.  Community  of  labor  and  interest  also  naturally  promotes 
affection,  and  between  those  of  opposite  sexes,  love.  Thus,  old  sol- 
diers, copartners,  colaborers  in  any  department  of  human  effort — 
muscular,  pecuniary,  humanitarian,  intellectual,  or  moral — by  virtue 
of  their  very  community  of  effort  and  interest,  naturally  form  strong 
social  affinities  for  each  other. 

Then  how  forcibly  does  this  law  of  mind  apply  to  wedlock  ? All 
their  efforts  and  struggles  in  a true  love  state  are  mutual . They 
naturally  share  their  feelings,  property,  everything,  meals  included, 
together,  and  each  sharing,  increases  love.  How  pleasurable  for  old 
friends  to  sup  together  ! Then  how  much  more  so  for  those  who  have 
grown  old  in  conjugal  love  ! Meeting  my  college  classmates  the 
twentieth  year  after  our  graduation,  in  an  all-night’s  supper,  recalling 
college  scenes,  and  intercommuning  together,  formed  an  era  in  my 
life.  Though  we  graduated  with  some  friendships  but  more  heart- 
burnings, yet  time  had  softened  off  college  asperities,  and  reincreased 
its  attachments.  Then  how  much  more  so  a true  conjugal  state  ! But, 

5.  Its  mutual  children  are  love’s  great  perpetuator.  By 
a first  law  of  mind,  parents  love  their  own  children.  And  with 
the  utmost  fervor  and  intensity.  What  one  human  sentiment,  save 
love,  as  strong  as  the  parental  ? What  will  not  parents  do,  endure, 
sacrifice,  accomplish  for  them  ? Description  utterly  fails.  And  it 
increases  with  age.  For  grandparents  love  more  than  parents. 

Now  does  not  each  loving  and  caring  together  for  the  same  darling 
objects  naturally  promote  love  for  each  other  ? Then  does  not  pa- 
rental love  naturally  promote  and  practically  aid  conjugal  ? By  all 
the  sacredness  and  perpetuity  of  the  parental  sentiment  itself,  is  the 
conjugal  both  deepened  and  perpetuated  thereby.  And  this  law  of 
mind  is  absolute.  It  almost  compels  the  parents  of  the  same  children 


LOVE  SELF-PERPETUATING. 


165 


to  love  each  other.  And  would  always,  but  for  still  stronger  repel- 
lant  conditions.  This  alone,  in  the  absence  of  strong  counter-irri- 
tants, would  guarantee  to  all  parents  a continuance  of  that  love 
in  and  by  which  they  became  parents.  How  could  Nature  point 
more  strongly,  more  clearly  to  any  one  principle  than  she  points 
by  all  these  radii  to  the  self-perpetuity  of  love  as  its  great  focal 
center  ? 

Then  tell  me  not  that  love  naturally  wanes  with  its  honeymoon. 
That  the  youngest  love  is  the  most  fervent  and  devoted.  That  the 
natural  history  of  love  is  first  to  sate,  then  to  cloy,  and  finally  to 
either  die  or  go  astray.  Instead,  it  takes  those  who  have  loved  each 
other  long,  to  manifest  this  human  sentiment  in  its  fullest  perfection. 
It  is  only  those  who  have  ascended  together  the  hills  of  prosperity, 
and  descended  into  the  vales  of  adversity,  who  have  long  labored  and 
suffered  with  and  for  each  other,  who  have,  if  need  be,  watched  round 
each  other’s  bedside,  and  produced,  cared  for,  watched  over,  and  per- 
haps buried  children  together,  and  grown  old  in  love  as  in  years,  that 
become  perfectly  united  in  the  deepest , fullest , most  indissoluble  ties 
of  love. 

That  love  often  does  decline  instead  of  increasing  with  years,  is  ad- 
mitted. But  that  this  declination  is  necessary , or  even  natural,  is  stoutly 
contradicted.  Its  usual  diminution  is  consequent  on  various  breaches 
of  its  laws,  rather  than  in  anything  inherent  in  its  own  constitution. 

w But,”  say  some,  u c Variety  is  the  spice  of  love,’  as  well  as 
of  life.  As  no  one  kind  of  food  can  nourish  the  system  as  well  as 
a variegated  diet  * as  no  one  study  can  as  effectually  discipline  or  en- 
large the  mind  as  several ; as  journeying  over  a champaign  country 
is  more  beautiful  than  through  a savannah  ] as  diversity  is  more 
pleasant  than  monotony,  etc.,  throughout,  of  course  equally  so  of  love. 
One  man  finds  one  excellence  in  this  woman,  another  in  that,  adapted 
to  attract  him  and  draw  out  his  love.  And  vice  versa  of  this  woman 
as  regards  different  men.  And  loving  thus  eclectically  the  charms  of 
the  different  ones  of  the  opposite  sex,  naturally  develops  his  or  her  love 
much  more  effectually  than  each  confining  him  or  herself  to  any  one, 
however  perfect.  This  variety  of  love,  therefore,  exercises  the  love 
sentiment  more  perfectly,  and  especially  perfects  the  character  more 
than  its  restriction.  No  man  can  completely  fill  any  one  woman’s 
beau-ideal  of  a perfect  man.  Nor  man  woman’s.  But,  instead,  a 
woman  sees,  and  therefore  must  love  the  nobleness  of  those  who  are 
more  noble  than  talented,  and  the  talent  of  those  who  are  more  tal- 
ented than  noble,  the  oratory  of  this,  the  logic  of  that,  the  form  or 
manners  of  the  other,  etc.,  and  so  on  to  the  end  of  the  whole  chapter 


166 


PAIRING  A NATURAL  INSTITUTE. 


of  whatever  a first-class  woman,  admires  in  a man.  And  vice  versa 
man  as  regards  woman  ” 

But  is  this  argument  either  logical  or  correct?  Is  variety  in  very 
deed  the  spice  even  of  life  ? Is  it  the  rolling  stone  that  gathers  most 
moss  ? Is  the  home  sentiment  better  satisfied  with  getting  up  and 
living  in  this  house  to-day,  that  to-morrow,  and  the  other  the  next  ? 
Or  in  this  country  this  year,  and  other  countries  other  years?  On 
“Greenland’s  icy  mountains”  one  season,  and  India’s  burning  plains 
the  next,  and  so  on  through  life  ? Or  is  parental  love  better  satisfied 
with  fondling  and  teaching  a Caucasian  child  to-day,  a Malay  to- 
morrow, and  a mulatto  the  day  after  ? Or  by  loving  and  caring  for 
the  same  children  from  birth  to  maturity?  And  which  is  best  for 
children,  different  teachers,  governors,  etc.,  or  the  same  continued  ? 
Is  Adhesiveness  better  developed  by  forgetting  the  friends  of  yesterday 
in  those  of  to-day?  Or  by  intercommuning  through  life  with  the 
same  neighbors  and  friends  ? Or  is  transitory  friendship  the  best  for 
the  befriended  ? Rather,  is  not  friendship  like  wine,  the  stronger  as 
it  becomes  older  ? And  in  those  cemented  by  a long  course  of  unin- 
terrupted friendship  ? Or  is  Aliinentiveness  better  satisfied  by  sitting 
down  to  Vitellius’  forty  thousand  different  dishes  at  once,  or  by  mak- 
ing a full  meal  off  one  substantial  dish  ? It  is  a law  of  appetite, 
which  all  can  test  at  every  meal,  that  it  requires  several  mouthfuls 
of  the  same  dish  to  fairly  set  the  appetite  * that  changing  the  dish  re- 
quires several  mouthfuls  before  the  second  dish  begins  to  relish  • so 
that  we  take  much  more  of  even  gustatory  pleasure  in  partaking  of  but 
one  dish  at  a meal  than  several.  And  all  physiologists  testify  that  a 
homogeneous  meal  is  promotive  of,  while  a hodge-podge  one  retards,  di- 
gestion. And  notice  it  when  and  where  you  will,  you  are  never  as 
well  satisfied  at  a table  loaded  with  everything  imaginable,  as  with 
a single  substantial  dish.  And  hence  our  first-class  hotels  are  rarely 
satisfactory.  Their  very  variety  spoils.  And  does  not  the  old  man 
relish  his  accustomed  dish  better  than  any  new  one,  though  intrin- 
sically better  ? Would  a lion’s  or  elephant’s  diet  be  better  by  each 
eating  meat,  herbs,  and  grain  at  the  same  meal  ? 

Or  is  Acquisitiveness  better  delighted  by  selling  dry  goods  to-day, 
hardware  to-morrow,  groceries  the  next,  lands  and  houses  the  next, 
etc.  ? That  is,  by  variety  than  continuity  ? In  fact,  does  not  the 
whole  business  world  practically  refute  this  variety  argument  ? 

Or  is  Constructivepess  more  pleased  or  better  skilled  by  building 
steam-engines  to-day,  Frenchified  toys  to-morrow,  and  watches  the 
day  after  ? Or  by  working  steadily  on  one  iking  ? Or  shall  a man 
seek  honor  in  traffic  to-day,  in  oratory  to-morrow,  in  politics  the  next, 


LOVE  INSTINCTIVELY  DUAL,  NOT  PLURAL. 


167 


\ 


and  the  pulpit  the  fourth  ? That  is,  in  different  callings,  or  the  same 
one  ? Or  is  the  mind  better  disciplined  by  thinking  and  learning  a 
little  about  many  things,  or  much  about  some  one  thing  ? And  are 
not  old  people  remarkable  for  sameness , not  variety,  in  everything? 
When  old  Parr  breaks  in  upon  ins  regular  habits,  he  dies.  In  short, 
this  doctrine  of  variety,  when  applied  to  each  and  all  the  other  facul- 
ties and  human  efforts,  becomes  perfectly  ridiculous.  Too  utterly 
futile  to  begin  to  be  argued.  All  facts,  all  theory,  all  experience  in 
everything  sustain  continuity,  and  ignore  this  variety  doctrine.  If 
variety  were  the  spice  of  life,  why  not  better  for  an  oak  to  be  oak 
to-day,  pine  to-morrow,  poplar  the  next,  and  a man,  man  to-day,  dog 
to-morrow,  and  fish  the  third,  instead  of  each  being  the  same  through 
life  ? Universal  nature  sustains  continuity  in  opposition  to  variety. 
In  short,  Nature  has  placed  an  organ  or  faculty  in  the  human  head 
and  mind,  the  very  primal  office  of  which  is,  to  interdict  variety  and 
secure  continuity.  And  what  is  especially  applicable  to  our  argu- 
ment is,  that  this  organ,  called  Continuity,  is  located  right  over  the 
social  group,  which  it  partly  encircles , obviously  in  order  that  it  may 
continue  them  in  their  action.  It  is  shaped  like  a new  moon,  its  two 
corners  coming  down  over  the  social  group,  and  ending  at  the  organ 
of  Conjugality,  which  mates  or  pairs.41  If  this  is  not  demonstration 
itself,  pray  what  is  ? 

But  that  nothing  may  be  wanting  to  completely  demonstrate  Nature?s 
one-love  ordinance,  she  still  further  re-establishes  it  by — 

43.  LOVE  INSTINCTIVELY  DUAL,  NOT  PLURAL. 

Nature’s  instincts  constitute  her  great  proclamation  of  both  her 
wants,  and  their  supply — her  laws,  and  their  requisitions.  By  them 
she  proclaims  to  each  and  all  her  subjects,  animate  and  inanimate — - 
their  need  of  food,  what  kind  is  best  for  each  one,  and  how  to  eat,  as 
well  as  whatever  appertains  to  a perfect  alimentation.  This  is  doubly 
true  in  her  animal  and  human  creations.  And  throughout  each  and 
all  their  functions.  Indeed,  instinct  consists  in  the  natural  action  of 
her  primitive  faculties.  Further,  what  is  reason  but  the  instinctive 
action  of  her  reasoning  powers  ? And  thus  of  Memory,  Conscience, 
Mechanism,  everything  ? 

Love,  too,  is  an  ordinance  of  Nature.4  6 Therefore,  it  likewise  must 
needs  have  its  instincts.  Indeed,  we  virtually  based  our  argument  as 
!.o  Nature’s  true  love  season  on  this  instinct.39  It  not  only  provokes 
love,  but  also  governs  it.  And  each  and  all  its  instincts  are  right. 
Are  Nature’s  fiat,  and  therefore  God’s  law.  And  hence,  absolutely 
reliable.  Indeed,  Nature  is  the  grand  trunk  of  all  our  doctrines  on  all 


168 


PAIRING  A NATURAL  INSTITUTE. 


subjects.  She  is  sacred.  Is  doubly  sacred  in  whatever  appertains 
to  love.3  And  expresses  her  love  laws  in  and  by  her  love  intui- 
tions. And  thereby  justly  punishes  all  delinquents.  An  innocent 
girl,  brought  up  in  perfect  ignorance  of  whatever  concerns  Nature’s 
love-requisitions,  breaks  them  fundamentally,  and  incurs  their  dread- 
ful penalties.  Now  is  not  her  punishment  hard,  cruel,  and  unjust  ? 
Not  at  all.  It  would  be,  but  that  she  has  intuition  for  her  infallible 
guide  in  all  things,  love  included.  And  has  discarded  this  guide. 
Nor  is  she  ever  punished  unless  and  until  she  abuses  her  own  con- 
sciousness by  running  counter  to  her  sacred  instincts.  She  has  sinned 
against  her  own  nature , and  therefore  deserves  punishment. 

Then,  what  are  Nature’s  love  instincts  respecting  a duality  or  a 
plurality  of  this  love  element?  We  speak  not  of  friendship.  That 
is  plural.  As  one  man  or  woman  can  have  many  friends  of  the  same 
sex,  so  they  can  have  still  more  of  the  opposite.  For  friendship 
naturally  cements  between  opposite  sexes  more  readily  than  within 
either.  Nor  yet  of  mere  lust,  for  that,  too,  is  promiscuous.  It  mat- 
ters little  who,  so  that  the  sex  is  opposite.  But  we  speak  of  that  deep, 
intense  sow^-union  already  described.6  38  Please  read  discriminatingly 
pages  41,  42,  and  then  go  away  back  and  down,  ye  who  have  ever 
loved,  into  the  deepest  recesses  of  your  own  souls,  and  live  over  again 
that  sacred  spell — your  first  love  season.  Not  any  mere  girlish  or 
boyish  love.  This  element  was  then  but  flitting  from  flower  to  flower, 
in  order,  by  tasting  many,  to  select  the  best  single  one.  Nor  do  we 
refer  to  this  sentiment  after  it  has  become  vulgarized.  And  this  is  the 
case  in  by  far  too  many.  And  often  corrupted  so  young  as  almost  to 
obliterate  its  instincts  before  it  becomes  matured.  But  we  speak  of 
those  thoroughly  sexed,4  5 yet  not  sensualized,  after  they  have  come 
fairly  to  experience  the  full  instinctive  workings  of  love.  Did  you, 
or  did  you  not,  then  individualize  that  love- object  ? Did  you,  as  a 
man,  love  any  and  every  female  because  one,  and  the  prettiest  the 
most,  or  single  out  some  one  as  its  special  idolized  mate?  I put  this 
question  right  home  to  your  own  ad  hominem  consciousness — that  high- 
est tribunal  of  truth — did  you,  or  did  you  not,  while  interchanging 
that  most  sacred  of  all  sentiments,  intermingle  exclusiveness  there- 
with ? Did  you  not  in  effect  say — 

I love  you,  and  you  alone  of  all  others,  and  gladly  give  up  all  for 
you?  Do  you  give  up  all  for  me?” 

u Indeed  I do.  Others  may  be  good,  but  you  are  best.  I have 
friendship  for  others,  but  love  for  none  but  you.  And  if,  in  the  course 
of  human  events,  I am  not  permitted  to  marry  you,  I never  desire  to 
marry  another,  and  never  wil  1 . Do  you  reciprocate  this  sacred  pledge  ?” 


LOVE  INSTINCTIVELY  DUAL,  NOT  PLURAL. 


169 


“I  do.  And  with  all  my  heart,  soul,  mind,  and  strength.  Be  I 
where  I may,  on  mountain  top  or  in  valley  deep ; on  barren  rock  or 
fertile  plain  ; by  stream,  in  wood,  on  lawn,  by  wayside  and  fireside, 
on  land,  on  sea,  near  by  and  far  off,  in  prosperity  and  in  adversity,  by 
night  and  day,  in  youth,  life’s  meridian  and  decline,  and  clear  down 
to  and  in  death,  I will  ever  love  you , and  you  alone.  And  if  I die 
first,  I will  be  your  guardian  spirit  till  death  brings  you  to  my  angel 
arms.  And  through  eternal  ages  I will  love  God  first,  and  you  next. 
And  the  more  as  eternity  rolls  on.  Do  you  reciprocate  this  solemn 
pledge  of  eternal  love  ?” 

11 1 do.  By  all  that  is  beautiful  and  perfect  on  earth  and  in  sky; 
by  this  lovely  flower  I now  pluck  on  this  sacred  spot  and  place  on  your 
breast ; by  the  air  I breathe,  and  food  and  fruits  I eat ; by  the  earth 
beneath  and  the  heavens  above ; by  sun,  moon,  and  star — yon  bright 
star  we  will  now  select  to  preside  over  our  life-destiny — by  my  own 
very  being  itself  and  yours,  and  the  great  God  who  gave  it  to  us 
both ; by  the  eternity  of  his  years  and  ours,  1 here  solemnly  consecrate 
my  whole  self  and  being  to  you,  and  you  alone,  for  life,  in  death,  and 
forevermore.  Amen.” 

Is  not  this  the  natural  outgushing  of  all  genuine  love  ? If  it  is  not 
always  expressed,  is  it  not  always  felt?  It  is  implied  too  deeply  to 
need  utterance.  As,  if,  a finger  crushed,  its  pain  is  presupposed — no 
need  of  its  declaration — so,  who  that  ever  makes  love,  but  either  utters 
or  implies  this  exclusiveness  1 This  wholly  thine  is  as  indigenous  to 
love  as  heat  to  fire,  as  cold  to  ice.  Is  its  sine  qua  non:  and  inseparable 
from  love.  It  is  its  universal,  necessary  concomitant.  An  integral 
part  and  parcel  of  it.  Indeed,  its  main  constituent.  Who  ever  pre- 
tends to  make  love  without  expressing  or  implying  it  ? Only  children 
of  lust,  not  love.  Mere  sensuality  does  not  thus  pledge  or  exact  ex- 
clusiveness. Aspasia  was  not  thus  exclusive.  Nor  Venus.  But 
their  love  was  confessedly  personal ; not  that  highest,  holiest  love  in- 
stinct. Now,  if  community  of  love  were  its  natural  manifestation,  the 
cuckold  would  even  delight  in  his  loved  one’s  liasons ; and  she  in  his. 
Or  thus : The  male  loves  all  true  exhibitions  of  genuine  feminine 
character,  and  female  of  masculine.  Therefore,  if  promiscuosity  were 
innate,  every  man  would  instinctively  love  those  women  best  who 
most  loved  the  most  men.  And  the  converse,  women  as  regards  men. 
This  would  obviate  all  need  and  idea  of  u intrigues,”  and  actually  pay 
a bonus  to  openness.  Instead,  conjugal  amours  are  kept  secret,  and 
discovered,  avenged.  Even  in  Mormonism,  let  but  another  man  make 
love  to  any  one  of  his  fifteen  wives,  and  Brigham  Young  would  shoot 
him  with  as  much  relish  as  he  would  a panther.  Even  free-love  advo- 

8 


170 


PAIRING  A NATURAL  INSTITUTE. 


cates  not  many  loves  as  much  as  re-mating.  Why,  the  very  idea  that 
one’s  love  is  common,  not  special — that  a frail  one  bestows  favors  equal- 
ly on  all — breaks  its  sacred  spell.  And  always  disgusts,  never  attracts. 
Say,  humanity,  is  not  this  thus?  Say  more,  do  you  not  involuntarily 
loath  frailty  ? Say,  woman,  do  or  can  you  love  most,  him  who  loves 
all  your  sex  in  general,  or  only  you  in  special  ? If,  like  talents, 
morals,  ingenuity,  eating,  etc.,  promiscuosity  is  love’s  natural  mani- 
festation, it  should  attract  and  be  attracted,  honored,  valued,  praised, 
and  cultivated  by  common  consent  Indeed  it  is,  always  has  been, 
always  must  be,  despised,  kept  hidden.  And  the  more  as  man  ad- 
vances from  age  to  age  in  the  scale  of  humanity.  Virtue  vcas 
esteemed  by  the  ancients  some.  Is  by  the  moderns  more.  And  will 
be  more  yet,  as  the  race  progresses  • for  it  is  written  right  down  deep 
into  the  first  principles  of  human  consciousness. 

An  illustrative  anecdote : A tender-hearted  swain,  coming  fourteen 
miles  to  hear  a lecture  on  marriage,  said,  at  its  close,  u Please,  sir, 
your  advice.  I am  in  this  quandary : I have  been  paying  my  ad- 
dresses to  two  young  ladies  of  our  village — one  the  handsomer,  the 
other  the  better — in  doubt  which  to  select.  Not  long  since,  the  better 
says,  c George,  I have  one  especial  favor  to  ask  : that  you  make  choice 
between  Jane  and  me.  If  you  prefer  her,  I have  nothing  to  say.  But 
I have  to  request,  that  if  you  continue  your  addresses  to  her , you  will 
please  discontinue  them  to  me?  ” 

Now,  did  or  did  not  this  young  lady  express  a true  human  senti- 
ment, in  requiring  him  to  be  exclusive  in  his  attentions,  by  choosing 
the  one  or  the  other?  Did  she  not  ? If  a lover  should  say  fondly  to 
his  loved  one,  “ Jane,  I love  you  for  this,  that,  the  other  excellences, 
but  I also  love  Harriet  for  others,  and  Julia  for  others  still,”  would 
A Jane  say,  “ Then  give  all  your  love  to  Harriet  or  Julia;  I want 
unless  I can  have  all?1  And  this  is  universal  humanity.  Why, 

‘ very  beginnings  of  love  recognize  this  mine-and-thine  sentiment 
in  this  custom  and  instinct,  that  while  two  are  making  love  to  each 
ci her,  all  others  who  are  well-bred  and  moral  keep  aloof  till  one  dis- 
misses the  other,  when  all  feel  at  liberty  to  proffer  their  love  until 
another  one  is  selected,  when  all  others  again  retire.  By  common 
consent,  those  who  attempt  to  “cut  another  out”  are  despised  as 
heart-robbers,  and  always  rendered  miserable  thereby.  A splendid- 
looking  young  man  captivated  one  of  two  rival  belles  of  a New  En- 
gland village,  loved  devotedly,  was  loved,  and  partly  engaged.  But  a 
rival  belle,  out  of  sheer  vanity,  set  her  cap  to  cut  out  her  rival,  suc- 
ceeded, married  him,  and  has  lived  a most  wretched  life  ever  since, 
now  parting,  now  re- uniting,  while  he,  too,  drinks— just  penalties  for 


FIRST  LOVE. 


171 


trifling  with  Nature’s  sacred  ordinance  of  one  love.  Our  one-love 
argument  is  still  further  strengthened  by 

FIRST  LOVE. 

Our  first  doing  or  experiencing  of  anything  carries  with  it  a certain 
freshness,  novelty,  and  zest  forever  to  be  remembered,  and  unknown 
to  any  of  its  repetitions.  Thus,  how  much  more  life-inspiring  the 
first  breath  than  any  subsequent  one  ! So  of  the  first  walk,  horseback 
ride,  dollar  earned,  and  successful  achievement  of  any  kind,  first-born 
included.  Now  here  is  an  unmistakable  law  of  mind.  Then  does  it 
apply  to  First  Love  as  to  first  everything  else? 

Does  it  not  ? And  with  tenfold  more  power  than  to  anything,  every- 
thing else  besides,  because  the  impressions  of  love  are  so  far  more 
vivid  than  any  and  all  others.  It  opens  up  a train  of  sensations  both 
so  new  and  so  delightful  as  to  throw  all  others  into  the  shade,  and 
writes  itself  so  indelibly,  as  with  the  point  of  a diamond,  right  into 
the  innermost  tablet  of  memory,  and  our  very  being  itself,  as  always 
and  everywhere  to  stand  first,  and  grow  more  vivid  and  intense  with 
age.  This  same  law  applies  equally  to  the  first  marriage  ceremony, 
and  its  incidents,  subsequent  ones  being  more  mechanical. 

Obviously,  then,  self-interest  should  prompt  all  human  beings  to 
make  the  very  most  possible  out  of  first  love,  courtship,  and  marriage  ] 
and  in  order  thereto,  to  postpone  it  just  long  enough,  but  none  too 
long,  and  manage  it  just  right  in  every  respect.  And  if  they  do,  there 
is  no  measuring  the  amount  of  happiness  it  will  yield  them. 

The  sacredness  of  love  still  further  demonstrates  its  unity. 
Were  the  shrines  of  Diana  and  the  vestal  fires  of  Delphos  sacred  to 
their  worshipers,  and  is  not  love  more  holy,  its  altars  more  inviolable, 
its  pledges  more  plighted,  its  vows  more  sacred,  and  this  sentiment 
more  instinctively  holy  than  any,  than  all  other  human  emotions  ? 
Does  it  not  consecrate  the  very  ground  they  tread  together,  and  all  the 
incidents  in  which  they  participate  ?33  What  relics  as  sacred  as  those 
consecrated  thereby?  It  is  the  “ vail  within,”  the  “inner  temple” 
of  the  human  soul.  The  “ ark  of  the  covenant,”  the  “holy  of  holies 
the  high  priest,  clothed  with  the  “Urim  and  Thummim,”  offering  up 
consecrated  incense  on  humanity’s  holiest  altar,  within  its  most  holy 
place. 

And  for  this  most  obvious  reason  : Life  is  infinitely  sacred.  Hence 
the  capital  punishment  inflicted  on  those  who  destroy  it.  Equally 
sacred  is  all  connected  with  it.  Its  origin  especially  included.  Love 
is  the  instrumentality  of  this  origin.3  4 5 And  therefore  correspond- 
ingly sacred. 


172 


PAIRING  A NATURAL  INSTITUTE. 


44.  THE  MINE-AND-THINE  INTUITION  OF  LOVE. 

Nature  has  implanted  in  every  human  being — animal  even — a cer- 
tain “ mine- and- thine^  sentiment.  “ This  is  my  bone,77  says  the  dog; 
“my  nest,77  says  the  robin;  “my  clothes,  house,  property,77  says  the 
man.  Some  things  do  belong  to  one ; others  to  another — are  owned 
by  those  who  make  or  get  them  lawfully.  This  feeling  is  created  by 
Acquisitiveness,  which  both  inspires  us  to  get  and  keep,  and  tells  us 
that  things  rightly  earned  are  ours.  It  is  a necessary  human  element. 
Without  it,  nothing  could  ever  belong  to  any  one.  Not  even  our  own 
eyes,  teeth,  hands,  clothes,  houses,  anything,  could  belong  to  either  us 
or  any  one  else,  for  all  idea  of  property  would  be  unknown.  And  as 
there  could  be  no  feeling  of  ownership,  therefore  there  would  be  little 
stimulant  to  personal  effort  of  any  kind.  But  for  it,  little  would  ever 
be  obtained  and  nothing  preserved.  Blot  it  out,  and  you  paralyze  all 
kinds  of  business  and  industry.  It  is  the  great  motor-wheel  of  hu- 
man acquisition  and  effort.  It  gives  and  respects  ownership.  “ This 
is  mine,  that  yours ; let  each  be  content  with  his  own.77  Theft  is  but 
its  violation.  And  its  punishment  is  deserved. 

But  it  appertains  to  talents,  ideas,  inventions,  mental  acquisitions, 
honor,  shame,  health,  life,  and  a thousand  other  things,  quite  as  effect- 
ually as  to  property.  Else,  why  “ pay  off noble  deeds  by  praise,  or 
ignoble  by  reproach  ? 

But  there  exists  also  a principle  of  community  of  possession,  as  when 
a company,  city,  or  nation  have  combined  to  create  public  buildings, 
works,  property,  etc. 

Then  'does  this  community-feeling  naturally  accompany  love  ? 
Does  each  individual  member  of  each  sex  love  each  and  all  the  mem- 
bers of  the  other,  as  common  property  ? Or  does  each  love  some  one 
as  “mme,77  not  ours ? Let  the  instincts  of  all  who  love  answer. 
And  let  that  answer  be  heeded.  Who  that  loves  but  feels  “ this  is  my 
own  dear  one,  and  mine  alone  to  love,77  just  as  much  as  any  laborer 
ever  felt  “ this  is  my  own  dollar  for  my  own  day7s  work  ?77  This  own 
feeling  is  as  necessary  an  element  of  love,  and  inseparable  from  it,  as 
even  sexuality  itself.  Nor  can  a high,  honorable,  conscientious  human 
being  love  one  felt  to  belong  to  another.  Love  can  fasten  only  where 
others7  claims  are  virtually  canceled.  Did  not  ye  who  have  ever 
loved,  do  not  ye  who  now  love,  feel  that  this  umy  own ,7  sentiment 
appertains  to  your  loved  one  quite  as  effectually  as  to  any  dollar  or 
article  you  ever  considered  yours?  More  even?  It  appertains  to 
nothing  else  on  earth  as  effectually  as  to  a loved  one.  This  feeling  is 
instinctive.  It  is  the  natural  outworking  of  human  consciousness — 


THE  MINE* AND- THINE  INTUITION  OF  LOVE. 


173 


that  highest  possible  evidence.  As  the  consciousness  that  we  see  is 
the  strongest  possible  proof  that  we  do  see,  so  this  internal  conscious- 
ness that  this  loved  one  is  mine,  all  mine,  and  mine  alone , to  love — 
that  another’s  coming  in  to  draw  off  this  love  is  despicable  robbery — 
that  u he  who  steals  my  purse  steals  trash,”  in  comparison  with  him 
who  robs  me  of  my  loved  one — is  demonstration,  u strong  as  holy 
writ,”  that  this  u my  own”  feeling  legitimately  belongs  to  love. 
This  argument  is  absolutely  fatal  to  a community  of  love,  and  con- 
clusive in  favor  of  exclusiveness. 

Moreover,  I own  myself.  My  title  to  do  whatever  I please  with 
myself  is  even  higher  than  landed  titles,  because  derived  directly  from 
my  Maker.  My  right  is  absolute , either  to  give  or  sell  either  my  time 
or  each  or  all  my  powers  to  whom  I please.  And  for  any  specified 
price  or  period. 

Very  well.  Then  I choose  to  give  or  sell  myself  to  love  a 
particular  female.  And  take  pay  in  her  love  for  me.  And  I get  a 
quid  pro  quo , because  it  renders  me  immeasurably  happy — the  end 
of  all  pay.  I transfer,  I li  deed'11  away  my  love  faculty  to  her,  and 
take  pay  in  her  deed  of  her  love  faculty  to  me,  as  long  as  we  live. 
And  now,  in  the  name  of  all  human  rights,  have  we  not  a sovereign 
right  to  make  this  contract,  and  seal  it  as  we  do  in  and  by  a public 
marriage  ? Then  is  she  not  mine,  and  am  I not  hers,  to  love  and 
cherish  till  death  separates  us  ? If  this  does  not  give  me  a clear 
“ title ” to  her,  and  her  to  me,  pray  what  can  give  any  title  to  any- 
thing ? 

And  it  is  in  this  inalienable  human  right  that  this  instinctive  feel- 
ing of  mine1  as  appertaining  to  love  and  offspring,  consists,  and  of 
which  marriage  is  but  its  public  acknowledgment  and  record.  Matri- 
mony is  therefore  an  ordinance  of  Nature,  because  but  the  expression 
of  one  of  her  institutes. 

u But  why  amplify  a position  rendered  conclusive  by  either  of  these 
arguments  ?” 

To  render  certainty  doubly  sure.  To  put  a final  quietus  on  this 
vexed  question.  To  demonstrate  it.  To  give  it  the  elevated  rank  of 
a scientific  truth , instead  of  leaving  it  merely  hypothetical.  For  mark 
the  difference  between  a flippant,  declaratory,  off-hand,  declamatory, 
plausible,  perhaps  even  eloquent  essay,  and  a scientific  natural  truth 
completely  demonstrated.  In  a question  thus  vitally  important  to  the 
well-being,  to  the  very  existence  even,  of  the  race,  declamation  is  not 
sufficient.  It  requires  to  be  proved  as  an  ordinance  of  Nature,  that 
each  and  all  may  hear  and  heed  its  authoritative  edict.  For,  mark, 
Nature’s  edict  is  God’s  law. 


174 


PAIRING  A NATURAL  INSTITUTE. 


Then  have  we  not  completely  settled  this  mooted  question,  that 
every  human  soul  should  love  one,  and  but  one  of  the  opposite  sex? 
Quod  erat  demonstrandum  . 

“ But  your  one-love  argument,  drawn  from  instinct,  cuts  both  ways, 
yet  favors  promiscuosity  most.  Though  exclusiveness  forms  a poetic 
episode  in  some  romantic  loves,  yet  the  instinctive  workings  of  this  love 
element,  from  the  days  when  the  c sons  of  God  saw  the  daughters  of 
men  that  they  were  fair,5  all  along  down  to  even  our  own  day,  from 
the  least  to  the  greatest  of  men  and  women,  have  favored  promiscu- 
osity. Even  Abraham,  Isaac,  Jacob,  and  those  holy  men  of  old,  had 
many  loves,  and  yet  talked  with  God.  Venus,  who  personified  pro- 
miscuosity, and  whose  worship  actually  consisted  therein,  was  the 
most  loved  and  worshiped  of  all  the  ancient  deities:  whereas  Diana, 
who  personified  exclusiveness,  had  but  a single  temple  and  few  wor- 
shipers. What  other,  of  all  the  ancient  gods  and  goddesses,  confined 
themselves  to  one  love  ? And  these  deities  were  the  examples  of  their 
votaries.  Was  and  is  not  virtue  practically  unknown  in  Egypt, 
China,  and,  indeed,  all  the  nations  of  the  East?  Do  not  the  Moham- 
medans limit  the  number  of  their  loved  ones  only  by  their  means  of 
purchase  and  support?  And  are  not  they  considered  happiest  and 
honored  most  who  can  obtain  and  sustain  the  greatest  number  ? 
Why  the  harem  need  its  eunuchs,  and  all  Eastern  females  require 
watching,  but  because  promiscuosity  is  indigenous  to  the  sex,  that 
touchstone  of  love?  If  naturally  exclusive,  why  need  watching? 
Indeed,  where  was  or  is  virtue  the  rule,  and  promiscuosity  the  ex- 
ception ? 

“ True,  Christianity  preaches  it,  but  how  few  of  its  few  professors, 
much  less  those  outside  its  pale,  are  “without  this  sin!”  Though 
Anglo-Saxon  law  and  public  sentiment  throw  their  whole  weight  into 
its  scales,  yet  did  not  one  of  England’s  noble  peers  declare,  and  that 
in  Parliament,  when  discussing  the  clause  in  their  new  divorce  bill — 
whether  a husband’s  infidelity  should  entitle  a wife  to  divorce — that 
“ such  a clause  would  unmarry  most  of  the  members  of  Parliament, 
and  practically  annul  the  marriage  contract  ?”  And  is  not  this  dec- 
laration as  true  here  as  there  ? How  few  would  be  hurt,  if  those 
who  have  sinned  in  this  respect  were  to  be  stoned  only  by  those  who 
have  not  ! Do  not  all  the  sons  of  shame  and  daughters  of  frailty, 
including  all  who  have  broken  their  marital  vows,  give  the  practical 
negative  to  your  argument  from  instinct,  and  leave  almost  the  whole 
race  arrayed  against  it  ? Even  its  great  men  and  noted  women, 
ancient  and  modern — the  dignitaries  of  Greece  in  visiting  Aspasia ; 
the  acknowledged  sensualism  of  its  Bacons,  Pitts,  Foxes,  Websters, 


THE  PENALTIES  C)E  PERVERTED  LOVE. 


176 


Vv7ellingtons — Washington  and  a few  others  alone  excepted — prove 
that  human  instinct,  in  its  broadest  range  and  noblest  specimens, 
ignores  this  exlcusiveness  of  love,  and  practically  declares  for  its 
promiscuosity.” 

Indisputable  facts.  Pertinent  questions.  Cogent  arguments. 
Mark  well  their  final  answer,  as  embodied  in 

45. — THE  PENALTIES  OF  PERVERTED  LOVE. 

Normal  love,  being  thus  dual,  and  promiscuosity  its  violation,43*044 
and  these  penalties  most  terrible,  because  duality  is  so  infinitely  im- 
portant,3 41  and  being  equally  far-reaching  with  the  transgression 
itself,  which  is  interwoven  into  the  very  warp,  woof,  and  customs  of 
society,  and  likewise  running  in  the  direct  line  of  the  law  broken — 
that  is,  the  marital — as  well  as  consequent  thereon  and  consisting 
therein  ; verily,  it  is  high  time  society  discovered  and  obviated  both 
the  transgression  itself,  and  its  dreadful  consequences.  They  consist 
in  these  three:  First,  in  the  inflammation  and  perversion;  second, 
in  the  retroversion  ; and,  third,  in  the  deadened  state,  of  this  love 
element. 

First,  of  perverted  love,  or  sensuality  in  all  its  forms.  Only  love 
perverted  by  interruption  becomes  sensualized,  and  craves  variety. 
That  does.  That  is,  genuine  love  is  dual;  only  lust  is  plural. 

Normal  love  is  pure.  Its  attractions  are  mental , not  animal.  Each 
loves  the  other’s  soul  mainly,  instead  of  body.  They  love  beyond 
measure  to  walk,  talk,  and  be  together,  and  interchange  thoughts  and 
emotions , but  the  love  of  each  for  the  other’s  s^m^-principle  so  far 
transcends  that  for  their  persons  merely,  that  the  latter  is  hardly 
recognized.  It  was  beautifully,  forcibly  expressed  by  an  English  lady 
betrothed  to  an  East  Indian  officer,  who,  having  lost  his  eye,  leg,  and 
arm  in  action,  and  had  been  badly  scarred  and  mutilated  besides, 
wrote  her  that  therefore  he  absolved  her  from  the  engagement  if  she 
wished ; to  which  she  replied : “ I love  only  your  soul^  and  as  long  as 
you  have  body  enough  left  to  contain  that , my  love  and  satisfaction 
are  complete  and  unwavering.”  Reader,  one  and  all,  go  back  to  your 
own  experience — that  great  teacher.  While  reciprocating  your  first 
genuine  love,  however  great  your  facilities  for  its  carnal  gratification, 
such  a thought  never  once  entered  into  the  desires  or  feelings  of 
either.  And  if  it  had,  you  would  have  shrunk  therefrom  as  from  a 
viper.  Your  love  was  too  pure,  too  holy,  to  once  think  of  dragging  it 
down  from  a plane  so  exalted  to  one  so  low.  And  it  remained  so  as 
long  and  as  far  as  you  cherished  this  its  spiritual  phase.  If  I had  a 
thousand  men  and  women  of  various  ages  under  my  charge,  for  the 


176 


PAIRING  A NATURAL  INSTITUTE. 


virtue  of  each  of  whom  I was  responsible  in  the  price  of  my  head,  I 
should  sleep  soundly,  and  feel  perfectly  safe,  though  they  might  be 
exposed  to  the  temptations  even  of  a Joseph,  as  long  and  as  far  as  they 
all  kept  up  this  mental  phase  of  normal  love;  because  it  renders  each 
perfectly  satisfied  in  and  with  the  other.  And  consecrates  both  to 
each  other.43  44  And  so  perfectly  fascinates  and  charms  them  with 
each  other  as  completely  to  enchain  the  love  of  each  to  the  other. 
What  if  other  beauties  do  dance  however  gayly,  and  other  gallants 
bear  themselves  in  a style  however  captivating;  what  if  others  evince 
charms  however  fascinating,  or  talents  however  splendid;  though  they 
may  admire  others,  yet  they  love  only  each  other.  And  are  all  and  in 
all  to  one  another;  the  very  sun,  moon,  and  stars  rising  and  setting  in 
their  beloved.  They  no  more  think  of  reciprocating  love  with  another 
than  plucking  out  a right  eye.  Far  off  and  near  by,  in  the  gay 
assembly  and  in  the  social  circle,  in  public  and  private,  in  act  and 
feeling,  they  are  as  true  to  each  other  as  the  needle  to  its  pole.  The 
world  is  challenged  to  produce  an  instance  of  infidelity  when  and 
while  fully  reciprocated  first  love  is  nourished  on  both  sides.  Indeed, 
give  the  world  one  generation  of  uninterrupted  loves,  and  you  thereby 
give  it  a generation  practically  pure  and  virtuous.  The  reign  of  this 
pure  mental  love  forestalls  even  conjugal  discord,  much  more  infidel- 
ity, both  being  precluded  by  the  very  nature  of  the  love  element  itself. 
For  love  so  magnifies  the  excellences,  and  is  so  totally  blind  to  the 
faults  of  its  object,  that  each  sees  only  the  good  traits  of  the  other, 
and  never  can  or  will  perceive  faults,  however  clearly  proved.  Each 
is  absolutely  perfect  in  the  eyes  of  the  other.  And  both  are  perfectly 
satisfied  in  and  with  each  other — perfectly  magnetized,  spell-bound 
charmed,  infatuated,  and  therefore  incapable  of  yielding  themselves 
one  hair’s  breadth  to  the  abhorred  arms  of  another.  Nothing  is  so 
utterly  repellant.  Even  death  is  preferable. 

Its  obvious  reason  is  this : the  whole  philosophy  of  love,  in  all  its 
phases  and  degrees,  centers  in  its  transmitting  office.4  5 6 Perfect 
transmission  requires  the  perfect  blending  of  all  the  parental  entities. 
But  the  parental  mentalities  require  to  be  transmitted  more  even  than 
their  physiologies.  Hence,  by  as  much  as  the  transmission  of  mind 
is  more  important  than  that  of  body  merely,  must  parental  love  cen- 
ter in  each  other’s  mentalities,  in  order  to  their  transmission.  In  a 
true-love  state,  therefore,  their  mental  assimilation  becomes  the  most 
essential  feature  of  love,  because  it  endows  their  posterity  with  mind, 
spirit,  and  soul  in  ascendency  over  mere  flesh  and  blood.  Nature, 
therefore,  ordains  that  normal  love  shall  appertain  to,  and  unite  the 
mental  elements  of  parents  first  and  mainly.  That  this  shall  be  the 


THE  PENALTIES  OF  PERVERTED  LOVE. 


177 


very  heart’s  core  of  love.  This  spirit-union  it  is  which  renders  them 
perfectly  faithful  to  each  other,  because  so  perfectly  happy  in  each 
other,  as  long  and  as  far  as  it  continues  uninterrupted.  And  com- 
pletely enchains,  because  enchants,  both  with  each  other. 

But  let  this  sacred  spell  once  be  broken,  their  fidelity  suffers  a like 
breach,  because  of  this  prior  breach  in  its  foundation.  As  long  as  this 
river  of  love  flows  forth  in  its  normal  channel  of  mental  love,  it  wafts 
them  only  into  each  other’s  arms,  whereas  damming  it  up  in  this  its 
natural  flow  by  mutual  dissatisfaction,  obliges  it  to  burst  over  and 
flow  outside  its  normal  mental  channel  into  another,  or  else  dry  up  al- 
together. Denied  this  its  legitimate  phase,  it  must  either  seek  a phys- 
ical, or  perish.  It  generally  does  the  former,  on  the  principle,  better 
abnormal  action  than  none.  This  interruption  now  causes  those  very 
same  things  which  strengthened  a perfect  love  to  weaken  that  which 
has  been  impaired,  just  as  those  winds  which  strengthen  sound  trees, 
break  those  unsound.  It  induces  a state  of  love  which  is  to  its  nor- 
mal function  what  dyspepsia  is  to  digestion.  And  for  the  same  reason, 
namely,  that  the  laws  of  both  have  been  broken.  And  as  dyspepsia 
engenders  a gnawing,  hankering,  insatiable  appetite,  because  Aliment- 
iveness  is  inflamed,  so  disappointment,  by  inflaming  Amativeness, 
causes  a like  morbid  craving  after  variety  and  carnality,  along  with  a 
dissatisfaction  therein  which  reinflames  both  mind  and  body  through- 
out, and  consumes  not  only  the  love  element  of  its  pitiable  victim,  but 
that  victim  besides.  Platonic  love  quenches  animal  in  all  its  phases, 
by  rendering  its  participants  so  much  the  happier.  But  this  Platonic 
phase  once  seriously  interrupted  by  whatever  cause,  it  must  now  live 
on  animal  food,  or  die  out  altogether,  because  no  other  form  remains. 
Hence  the  infidelities  of  wedlock  are  always  necessarily  consequent  on 
prior  conjugal  alienation,  because  it  prefers  poor  food  to  none.  To 
detail  this  point  by  a supposition  : 

Mrs.  S.,  thoroughly  sexed,4  5 and  therefore  full  of  this  love  which 
constitutes  the  very  core  and  glory  of  woman’s  womanliness,  bestows 
it  all  completely  on  Mr.  S.  because  he  courts,  feeds,  and  elicits  it  by 
a thousand-and-one  of  those  masculine  attentions  which  naturally  win 
a woman’s  heart.  And  continues  faithful  in  this  love  as  long  as  he 
continues  to  cherish  it  by  manifesting  his  love  for  her.  But  at  length 
he  becomes  more  interested  in  politics,  in  ambitionary  and  pecuniary 
schemes,  in  clients,  constituents,  etc.,  than  in  her,  and  can  not  even 
take  time  to  express  that  diminished  love  for  her  he  yet  actually  feels. 
Of  course  her  love  for  him  naturally  declines  from  pure  starvation.11 
How  could  it  do  otherwise  ? This  decline  obliges  her  either  to  ignore 
the  masculine  sex  altogether,  or  bestow  it  on  some  other  masculine 

8* 


178 


PAIRING  A NATURAL  INSTITUTE. 


object.  She  finds  that  object  in  Mr.  K.,  who  elicits  her  love  for  him 
by  manifesting  his  own  for  her.  Mr.  S.  is  so  very  busy  that  he  really 
can  not  spend  time  in  her  society  to  receive  and  reciprocate  her 
caresses,  take  lover’s  walks  or  talks  with  her,  accompany  her  to  ball 
or  party,  of  which  she  is  passionately  fond,  and  the  like ; but  K.  can, 
and  does.  K.  promotes,  S.  neglects,  her  happiness.  Of  course,  by 
virtue  of  that  first  law  of  mind  already  mentioned — that  we  love  what 
makes  us  happy,  and  hate  what  renders  us  miserable — as  K.  makes  her 
happy  by  reciprocating  her  love,  and  S.  miserable,  first  by  chilling  it, 
then  by  suspicions  and  reproaches,  she  comes  to  love  K.  but  dislike  S. 
S.  stings  her  to  the  quick  by  upbraiding  and  accusation,  and  thereby 
re-repels  ; while  K.  elicits  her  love  by  compliments,  by  blandishments, 
by  one  and  all  the  manifestations  of  love.  Now,  by  a law  of  mind,  the 
natural  result  is  infidelity  to  S.,  but  fidelity  to  K. 

What  matters  it  that  S.  is  her  legal  husband  ? He  does  not  live  a 
true  conjugal  life.  He  is  as  sacredly  bound  by  Nature’s  conjugal  laws 
to  feed  her  love  element  as  her  physical  appetite.  To  pay  his  debt  of 
love  to  her  as  his  bank  note.  Now  be  it  that  she  does  S.  a great  wrong 
by  her  infidelity,  yet  did  he  not  do  her  a prior  wrong  ? And  was  not 
hers  to  him  but  the  legitimate  consequence  of  his  to  her.  Was  she  not 
sinned  against , as  well  as  sinning?  Supposing  him  to  have  denied 
her  all  food  and  clothing  instead  of  love,  what  would  and  should 
she  then  have  done  ? 

But  if  even  yet  S.  will  only  cherish  her  gushing  affection,  re-enlist 
her  love  for  him  by  manifesting  his  for  her,  it  will  again  flow  forth  to 
him  alone,  and  remain  perfectly  true  as  long  and  as  far  as  they  con- 
tinue to  reciprocate  each  other’s  love. 

The  principle  here  exemplified  accounts  for  all  cases  of  conjugal 
infidelity.  It  is  not  that  those  wiio  sin  have  too  much  of  this  love  ele- 
ment, any  more  than  too  much  intellect,  or  kindness,  or  justice.  Nor 
yet  that  it  is  sensual  by  nature.  But  it  is  that,  once  drawn  forth  and 
then  dammed  up,  it  must  either  staunch,  or  else  burst  forth  in  a flood  of 
infidelity.  The  former  unsexes  ;6  the  latter  corrupts.  But  who  is  most 
to  blame,  the  one  who  has  called  out  only  to  starve  this  element,  or 
wTio  prefers  its  vitiation  to  its  inanition — poor  food  to  starvation  ? 
And  all  required  both  to  forestall  and  to  restore  all  such  delinquents, 
is  simply  to  re-cherish  that  pure  mental  love  which  is  its  only  pre- 
ventive and  antidote.  This  principle  calls  up  and  expounds,  as  well  as 
accounts  for,  that  aspersion  above  expressed,  that  woman  is  naturally 
frail;  that  li  every  female  has  her  price,”  and  expressed  most  boldly 
by  those  best  qualified  to  judge  experimentally  in  declaring,  u that 
any  woman  can  be  ruined  in  forty-eight  hours.” 


JEALOUSY  : ITS  CAUSE  AND  CURE. 


179 


That  there  is  much  reason  for  this  aspersion  is  admitted.  But 
mark,  as  long  as  any  true  woman  lives  in  a state  of  genuine  affection, 
she  never  can  by  any  possibility  be  led  astray,  but  will  both  repel  and 
petrify  all  men  who  make  the  attempt,  but  prefers  death  rather. 
Yet  when  this  love  perishes,  temptation,  skillfully  applied,  is  indeed 
but  too  efficacious,  because  Nature’s  maternal  command  is  so  impe- 
rious, that,  denied  its  legitimate  form,  it  assumes  an  illegitimate,  as 
better  than  none.  And  the  fact  that  so  many  can  be  tempted  but 
shows  how  many  have  been  disappointed.  Let  the  affections  of  the 
sex  never  be  first  trifled  with,  and  their  virtue  is  proof  against  any 
and  all  temptation.  This  same  principle  also  explains — 

JEALOUSY  : ITS  CAUSE  AND  CURE. 

We  have  already  shown  why  it  was  instituted.41  This  shows  that 
the  main  fault  lies  with  the  jealous  party.  Thus,  Mr.  A.  is  jealous 
of  Mrs.  A.  This  presupposes  that  she  has  an  abundance  of  this  fem- 
inine or  love  element,  but  that  he  has  not,  or  at  least  does  not  man- 
ifest, enough  of  the  masculine  to  elicit  it.  Or,  rather,  ffiat  he  awakened 
only  to  dissatisfy  it.  A precious  confession,  indeed  ! Sooner  than 
proclaim  my  own  deficiency  by  publishing  my  jealousy,  I would  keep 
both  to  myself.  Moreover,  expressing  his  jealousy  to  her  only  re- 
alienates, making  her  worse  by  causing  her  pain.  Instead,  he  should 
do  his  very  utmost  to  render  himself  so  much  more  lovely  than  his 
rival  as  to  withdraw  her  affection  back  to  himself.  And  he  who 
can  not,  with  all  the  facilities  afforded  by  wedlock,  render  himself  so 
much  more  lovely  to  his  wife  than  any  other  man  as  to  forestall  all 
occasions  for  jealousy,  should  quietly  pocket  his  trouble,  instead  of 
proclaiming  his  masculine  inferiority. 

But  of  all  the  outrageously  suspicious  beings  who  walk  the  face  of 
this  earth,  those  who  are  jealous  are  the  most  so.  They  magnify 
mole-hills  into  mountains.  Their  stand-point  of  observation,  their 
state  of  mind,  is  such  as  to  do  the  most  palpable  injustice  to  the  sus- 
pected party,  by  misconstruing  everything,  and  conjuring  up  the  worst 
of  motives  for  the  most  innocent  of  acts.  They  are  downright  mad , as 
well  as  foolish,  and  accuse  because  they  themselves  are  in  an  accusing 
mood.  Their  Amativeness  has  become  reversed,  and  this  reverses 
everything.46  Let  me  be  confined  to  the  desert  of  Sahara,  or  wrecked 
on  a sea-girt  rock ; let  me  become  anything  else,  and  subjected  to 
everything,  but  deliver  me  from  either  being  jealous  myself,  or  bem, 
watched  by  the  jaundiced  eyes  of  a jealous  companion.  Rather  pur- 
gatory, and  done  with  it. 

This  same  principle  of  interrupted  love  as  causing  its  perversion, 


180 


PAIRING  A NATURAL  INSTITUTE. 


just  shown  to  cause  and  always  accompanying  conjugal  infidelity, 
also  causes  sensuality  or  licentiousness  in  all  its  forms,  phases,  and 
degrees,  both  past  and  present,  including  those  examples  just  em- 
bodied in  the  very  objection  we  are  now  answering. 

Grave,  indeed,  is  this  sin  of  sins.  Against  what  does  the  Bible 
thunder  forth  its  fearful  anathemas  as  often  or  as  violently  as  against 
fornication,  adultery,”  and  like  vices.  Even  the  Decalogue,  though 
interdicting  only  three  sins,  idolatry,  lying,  and  theft  besides  this,  yet 
anathematizes  this  twice.  Not  all  the  other  curses  of  humanity 
put  together  equal  this,  either  in  universality,  moral  turpitude,  or  ter- 
rible consequences.  Nothing  else  is  as  fatal  to  health,  happiness,  and 
even  life  itself.  Neither  drunkenness,  nor  profanity,  nor  knavery  in 
all  its  various  forms,  nor  hatred,  not  even  murder,  at  all  compare  with 
this  sexual  sin  in  either  heinousness  or  terrible  retribution.  And  to 
arrest  this  terrible  vice  alone  would  arrest  most  other  human  deprav- 
ities. 

Now  does,  or  does  not,  interrupted  love  engender  sensual  desire  ? 
We  aver  it  fearlessly,  that  every  instance  of  prostitution — both  shame- 
less and  ashamed,  both  public  and  private,  both  legalized  as  in 
France,  and  connived  at  by  law  as  in  England  and  America;  whether 
perpetrated  in  the  venereal  haunts  of  all  cities  and  most  villages,  or 
poisoning  the  very  atmosphere  of  nearly  all  our  country  districts  ; 
whether  arraying  itself  in  the  gaudy  attire  of  fashionable  life  and 
usages,  or  in  its  most  beggarly  and  loathsome  forms — can  be  traced 
directly  to  interrupted  love  as  its  first  legitimate  and  procuring  cause. 
Words  utterly  fail  to  depict  and  imagination  to  conceive  either  its  ex- 
tent, its  ramifications,  or  fearful  eventualities.  How  vast  this  sea  of 
sin  ! It  is,  indeed,  the  heart’s  core  of  all  evil.  No  other  is  either 
co-extensive  or  co-destructive.  What  other  is  to-day  bearing  upon  its 
dark  waters  a tithe  as  many  broken-down  sons  of  natural  genius, 
nobleness,  and  power,  or  naturally  superb  samples  of  female  loveli- 
ness, now  hopelessly  corrupted,  to  a dark  grave,  and  a darker  eter- 
nity ? What  philanthropist  but  sees  and  mourns  over  it?  What 
Christian  but  prays  against  it?  What  patriot  but  sees  in  it  more 
danger  to  his  country  than  in  any  other  public  vice  ? 

Then,  one  and  all,  in  the  name  of  bleeding,  erring  humanity,  in 
what  consists  its  preventive  and  cure  ? In  cherishing  normal  love  when 
once  elicited.  In  considering  and  treating  love  as  sacred  and  inviola- 
ble, and  on  no  account  to  be  interrupted.  In  parents  properly  guid- 
ing, instead  of  as  now  proudly  interfering  with  and  breaking  up,  the 
first  pure  affections  of  their  sons  and  daughters,  and  thus  throwing 
them  into  this  vortex  of  sensuality.  In  husbands  and  wives,  keeping 


JEALOUSY  : ITS  CAUSE  AND  CURE. 


181 


up  reciprocal  love,  instead  of  allowing  it  to  perish  for  want  of  mutual 
expression.  That  is,  in  obeying , instead  of  as  now,  breaking  in  upon 
this  sacred  inviolability  of  true  love.  Oh  ! if  I had  the  trumpet 
voice  of  the  seventh  archangel,  and  were  permitted  to  blow  upon  it 
but  one  blast  of  three  words,  to  be  heard  and  heeded  by  the  assembled 
race,  present  and  future,  they  would  be : 

Preserve  Love  Inviolate  ! 

This  single  short  sentence,  obeyed,  would  soon  regenerate  the  race ! 
It  would  usher  in  even  millennial  glory  with  the  first  generation,  and 
give  it  full-orbed  splendor  in  the  next;  partly  by  forestalling  and 
preventing  adult  vices,  and  rendering  them  immaculate  as  to  this  sin, 
and  thereby  most  others.86  But  mainly  by  ushering  upon  the  human 
stage  a generation  naturally  pure,  because  the  offspring  of  pure  affec- 
tion. It  is  this  flirtation,  this  “making  conquests,77  this  courting 
“just  for  fun,77  this  interfering  and  trifling  with  Nature’s  sacred  love- 
requisitions,  which  causes,  directly  and  indirectly,  this  sea  of  sin  in 
thought  and  heart,  as  well  as  act  and  life.  And  creates  a world  of 
vice  and  misery  which  no  tongue  can  tell,  no  finite  mind  even  begin 
to  estimate.  And  yet  young  people  of  both  sexes  actually  boast  over 
their  conquests,  and  triumph  therein,  as  the  angler  over  the  silly  fish 
taken  by  his  barbed  bait.  Let  the  confidence  man  boast  over  his 
dupes  ; but,  0 man  and  woman,  boast  not  thou  over  those  of  the  oppo- 
site sex  who  have  confided  their  affections  to  you,  only  to  be  be- 
trayed ! Sacrilege  the  most  sacrilegious  ! Instead,  let  each  and  all 
guard  both  their  own  affections,  and  those  of  the  other  sex.  And 
parents,  especially  mothers,  be  persuaded,  instead  of  furthering  these 
captivations,  to  set  your  faces  sternly  against  them.  To  both  instruct 
them — and  what  instruction  is  equally  important  ? — in  these  matters, 
by  putting,  say  this  book,  into  their  hands,  enforced  by  familiar  con- 
versations; and  see  to  it  that  their  loves  and  courtships  are  genuine , 
instead  of  a ticklish  pastime  joke.  They  naturally  look  to  you  for 
needed  teaching  and  advice.  Then  should  you  not  guide  their  affec- 
tions, quite  as  much  as  instruct  their  intellects?  Even  more,  because 
is  it  not  more  important  to  their  life-long  virtue  and  happiness? 
They  are  more  to  be  pitied  than  blamed.  They  know  no  better. 
True,  their  instincts  revolt.43  But  others  do  so  ; why  not  they  also? 
They  follow  custom  until  perverted  love  engulfs  them  in  this  whirlpool 
of  sensuality;  whereas  a single  timely  suggestion  from  you,  chiming 
in  with  their  own  instincts,  would  have  saved  them.  And  these 
fashionable  usages,  one  and  all,  are  directly  calculated,  if  not  intend- 
ed, 10  pervert  this  sacred  love  sentiment.  Pray,  my  countrymen,  and 


182 


PAIRING  A NATURAL  INSTITUTE. 


doubly  women,  ye  especial  guardians  and  ministers  of  love,  do  be  per- 
suaded duly  to  consider  this  subject,  and  help  on  this  most  needed 
reform . 

Reader,  are  these  things  thus?  Catechise  philosophy  and  observa- 
tion, and,  above  all,  your  own  innermost  experience,  and  mark  well 
this  focal  conclusion  of  this  whole  matter*  namely,  that  the  main 
cause  of  all  sensuality  centers  in  interrupted  love,  and  its  cure,  in  a 
perfect  affection — that  is,  simply  in  perpetrating  normal  love.  But 
the  second  stage  of  interrupted  love  is — 

46.  THE  RETROVERTED  PHASE  OF  LOVE. 

This  constitutes  its  second  state.  By  a first  law  of  love,  just  de- 
scribed, being  felt  by  its  victims  to  be  corrupt  and  corrupting,  it  event- 
uates in  loathing  and  disgust.  It  comes  to  hate  the  entire  opposite 
sex,  as  a whole — a principle  fully  established  as  a fact,  and  its  ration- 
ale abundantly  explained,  in  Vol.  II. 

It  causes  this  retroversion  on  the  additional  principle  that  all  sen- 
tient beings  involuntarily  shrink  from  whatever  gives  or  has  given 
them  pain.  Animal  love  is  a breach  of  love’s  law,  because  calculated 
to  transmit  only  animality  to  its  issue  ; and  hence  causes  pain,  and 
thereby  both  self-loathing,  and  loathing  of  the  other  sex.  As  a raven- 
ous appetite  is  the  first  phase  of  dyspepsia,  so  is  lust  of  interrupted 
love  alike  consequent  on  the  inflammation  of  their  respective  organs. 
Both  are.  And  as  this  stomachic  inflammation  first  weakens,  then 
nauseates,  so  of  Amativeness.  Its  violent  animal  action  causes  dis- 
gust, which  is  only  its  averted  or  retroverted  action,  and  alw*ays  con- 
sequent on  its  previous  excessive  or  wrong  action  in  some  form. 
Hence  adults  manifest  more  of  it  than  young  people  yet  comparatively 
innocent,  and  the  more  in  proportion  as  this  faculty  has  been  previously 
paralyzed  by  its  wrong  action.  Not,  therefore,  a very  perfect  love- 
sign.  Such  are  most  denunciatory  on  those  who  thus  sin,  because,  as 
the  parson  said,  when  describing  what  a dreadful  thing  sin  was,  they 
u know  by  experience  P 

The  principle  here  involved  embodies  a fundamental  truth  alike 
applicable  to  all  things.  Does  not  he  who  overtaxed  his  nerves, 
muscles,  brain,  eyes,  etc.,  yesterday,  feel  a proportionate  aversion  to 
excitement,  work,  study,  sunlight,  etc.,  to-day  ? As  those  who  gor- 
mandized yesterday  loath  food  to-day,  or  gorged  themselves  last  week 
with  oysters,  or  anything  else  however  good,  become  cloyed,  and 
loathe  their  very  sight  and  thought  ever  afterward;  so  those  who 
loved  so  violently  and  animally  last  year,  have  come  to  be  prudes  this 
year,  and  are  sickened  with  whatever  appertains  to  love,  and  become 


THE  RETROVERTED  PHASE  OF  LOVE. 


183 


excessively  fastidious.  As,  on  the  next  day  after  a debauch,  one’s 
stomach,  all  turmoil,  can  not  endure  to  see  food  or  liquors,  or  even 
hear  them  mentioned,  so  those  prudes  of  both  sexes,  who  arrogate  to 
themselves  the  very  quintessence  of  virtuous  indignation,  thereby  but 
proclaim  their  own  past  impurity  in  the  greedy  but  paralyzed  state  of 
their  love  element.  To  such  almost  anything  is  immodest,  because 
they  themselves  are  in  the  mood  they  charge  on  others.  Et  id  omne 
genus.  A state  already  partly  described,40  but  here  for  the  first  time 
philosophically  analyzed.  It  is  caused  by,  and  significant  of,  the  par- 
tial paralysis  of  Amativeness  by  its  previous  wrong  action  in  some 
form. 

It  is  called  modesty”  by  some,  and  u false  or  mock-modesty”  and 
prudery  by  others.  But  is  most  properly  designated  by  retroverted 
love.  And  often  intermingles  cravings  with  aversion,  like  a dainty 
dyspeptic  sitting  down  to  a table,  however  well  provided,  but  finding 
nothing  good  enough.  Hungry  and  dainty  * and  therefore  the  hardest 
to  please.  Nothing  suits. 

But  this  phase  of  the  love  element  was  obviously  ordained  for 
some  wise  purpose.  That  purpose  is  evidently  to  prevent  additional 
wrong  action,  on  the  principle  that  aversion  to  food  prevents  that 
additional  surfeiting  which  caused  this  aversion  by  breaking  it  down. 
A wise  provision  against  further  unsexing,  and  therefore  incidentally 
curative. 

An  anecdote  will  help  give  a clear  idea  of  this  frame  of  mind  in 
extreme.  A grass- widow  coquette  once  came  under  my  hands  profes- 
sionally, who  gave  the  following  as  her  reason  for  both  coquetting 
and  hating  all  mankind: 

£:  A schoolmate  of  mine,  after  both  had  grown  up,  courted  me  and 
solicited  my  hand.  I gave  it,  and  therewith  my  whole  being.  Woman 
could  not  love  with  devotion  more  complete  than  mine.  We  married. 
The  next  day.  looking  me  full  in  the  face,  calling  my  name  with  em- 
phasis. he  said,  sternly:  £ Julia,  we  are  married,  but  only  by  law. 
You  know  I hated  your  father.  I sought  my  revenge  on  him  by  spoil- 
ing your  matrimonial  prospects.  This  I have  now  accomplished,  and 
am  satisfied.  I never  did,  never  will  love  or  live  with  you.  We  part 
here , and  noiu.  to  meet  no  more  and  left  for  parts  unknown.  This 
struck  me  as  if  I had  been  shot  through  with  forty  bullets.”  I use 
her  exact  words.  {£  I fainted,  and  remained  insensible  I know  not  how 
long.  But,  on  awakening,  found  myself  helpless,  and  paralyzed  with 
agony.  It  almost  crushed  the  breath  out  of  me.  For  vreeks  my  life 
hung  as  by  a hair.  I kept  saying,  £ How  could  he!  What  have  I 
done  to  make  him  ! How  could  ho  be  so  cruel  !;  At  length,  wrath 


184 


PAIRING  A NATURAL  INSTITUTE. 


and  revenge  came  to  my  rescue.  I hated  as  I had  loved,  and  only  as 
one  fiend  could  hate  another.  And  have  cursed  him  every  waking 
hour  since.  This  hatred  turned  the  scale  of  disease  in  my  favor. 
Before,  I wished  to  die  * I now  determined  to  live,  that  I might  re- 
venge myself  on  him  and  his  sex.  I thought  if  one  man,  and  that  my 
ideal,  could  do  an  act  so  fiendish,  all  men  must  be  devils  incarnate. 
I hate  every  man.  And  because  of  his  sex.  Vile  all.  And  caring 
for  woman  only  sensually.  And  I do  indeed  delight  to  tempt  their 
passions  until  they  commit  themselves,  and  then  dally  with,  tantalize, 
and  expose  them.”  I replied  : 

His  wickedness  admitted — and  words  can  not  measure  it — yet  be- 
cause one  man  outraged  you,  will  you  therefore  debase  your  own 
nature  just  to  avenge  the  sex?  An  Indian  might  avenge  a wrong 
done  by  one  of  a hated  tribe,  by  killing  any  other  of  that  tribe  ; but 
why,  as  now,  should  you  demoralize  yourself,  and  throw  your  whole 
being  into  an  eclipse,  merely  out  of  spite  to  one  man?  It  is  bad 
enough  for  man  to  hate  man,  but  the  direst  human  depravity  for 
woman  to  hate  man.616  And  doubly  so  those  who  have  done  her  no 
wrong.”  She  promised  to  reform. 

Now  the  trouble  in  this'  and  all  like  cases  lies,  not  at  all  in  those 
hated,  but  mainly  in  the  hater.  As  in  a neighborhood  those  are  always 
the  worst  who  are  themselves  continually  finding  fault  with  other 
neighbors,  and  bad  in  those  very  respects  in  which  they  accuse  oth- 
ers, so  these  men-hating  women,  and  women-hating  men,  by  finding 
these,  those,  and  the  other  faults  with  the  opposite  sex,  only  thereby 
proclaim  their  own  matrimonial  unhappiness.  That  wife  who  de- 
clared that  she  u hated  all  men  in  general,  and  her  own  husband  in 
particular,”  thereby  evinced  her  own  most  satanic  mood.  Young  peo- 
ple, yet  unperverted,  almost  idolize  the  opposite  sex.  And  of  right. 
The  sexes  were  constituted  to  love  each  other,  not  hate.6 14  And  all 
the  more,  the  more  perfect  men  and  women  they  are.  The  higher  and 
truer  a man  is,  the  more  exalted  and  lovely  woman  is  in  his  admiring 
eyes.  And  vice  versa  woman  as  to  man.  Those  who  love  most  are 
truest  to  Nature’s  institutes,  while  those  who  hate  most  violate  them 
most.  Hence,  the  man-hating  woman  is  the  worst  object  the  sun 
shines  upon,  except  the  woman-hating  man,  partly  because  themselves 
in  a hateful  mood,  but  most  because  they  so  outrage  their  sexual 
constitution.  They  despise  the  other  sex  because  themselves  in  a des- 
picable state.  Those  they  hate  are  lovely  to  others  in  a love-state, 
and  would  be  to  themselves  if  they  too  were  in  a loving  mood. 

But  this  principle  is  so  fundamentally  important,  and  has  been  and 
will  be  so  often  employed,  that  we  must  needs  expound  that  law  of 


IHE  RETROVERTED  PHASE  OF  LOVE. 


185 


mind  in  which  it  is  based.  Then  mark  : Do  not  things  look  desirable 
or  repugnant,  ugly  or  pretty,  black  or  blue,  green  or  red,  large  or  small, 
far  or  near,  not  at  all  according  as  they  really  are,  but  mainly  accord- 
ing to  the  glasses  through  which  they  are  viewed  ? Niagara  is  not 
Niagara  to  the  cow,  and  is  the  more  grand  the  greater  the  perception 
of  grandeur  in  the  beholder.  “Oh!  aint  that  niceV ’ said  a pretty 
finified  feminine  beholder  of  it,  accustomed  mainly  to  silks,  laces,  and 
filagrees.  Does  it  not  take  a rogue  to  catch  a rogue  ? Are  not  the 
unsuspecting  always  innocent  ? And  will  not  those  who  are  always 
suspecting  bear  to  be  suspected  ? Watchful,  bear  watching?  Do  we 
not  naturally  judge  others  by  ourselves  ? As,  sitting  in  a car  by  the 
side  of  another,  when  we  start,  it  seems  as  if  the  other  moved  • but  if 
the  other,  we  : as  our  diurnal  motion  makes  it  seem  to  us  as  though 
sun,  moon,  and  stars  moved ; as  it  requires  talents  to  perceive  talents, 
where  stulticity  sees  only  folly  ; as  those  who  have  been  frozen,  dread 
cold,  but  those  burned,  fire  ; in  short,  “As  a man  thinketh  in  his  heart, 
so  is  he  and  as  “evil  is  to  him  who  evil  thinks  while  “ to  the  pure 
all  things  are  pure  so  those  to  whom  the  opposite  sex  are  loathsome, 
are  themselves  in  a loathing  mood,  etc.  And  those  so  easily  disgust- 
ed are  so  because  disgusting.  And  those  men  who  hate  women,  and 
women  men,  do  so  because  of  the  averted  or  retroverled , qualmish,  dys- 
peptic state  of  their  own  Amativeness,  instead  of  the  badness  of  those 
hated. 

This  state  is  to  Amativeness  what  fright  or  panic  is  to  Cautious- 
ness • shame  to  Approbativeness ; seeing  others  in  agony  to  Benevo- 
lence; blasphemy  to  worship  ; self-loathing  to  Self-Esteem  ; grief  for 
a dearly  loved  child  to  Parental  Love  ; vulgarity  to  Ideality ; fear  of 
imminent  death  to  love  of  life ; irritability  to  courage  ; dyspepsia  to 
digestion  ; rheumatism  to  motion  : nervousness  to  healthy  nerves  ; 
and  racking  pains  to  the  ecstasies  of  overflowing  life.  That  is,  it  con- 
sists in  the  vitiated , abnormal  action  of  sexuality,  mental  and  phys- 
ical. And  since  all  natural  action  is  therefore  right,  whereas  all 
unnatural  or  perverted  is  wrong,  hence  this  abnormal  or  loathing  ex- 
ercise of  this  love  is  its  sinful  and  therefore  painful  action.  Is  but 
Nature’s  punishment  for  previous  wrong  action,  and  calculated,  like 
pain,  when  rightly  improved,  to  produce  a reform,  and  prevent  future 
sin,  and  thereby  suffering.  Each  sex  ought  to,  and  in  a normal  state 
does,  worship  at  the  shrine  of  the  other.5 

I know  indeed  that  a most  lamentable  number  are  in  this  very  con- 
dition, because  so  many  have  violated  Nature’s  sexual  institutes. 
Such  a violation  necessarily  throws  all  its  votaries  into  this  state,  in 
proportion  to  that  violation. 


186 


PAIRING  A NATURAL  INSTITUTE. 


To  be  sure,  they  may  have  sinned  ignorantly,  but  does  ignorance 
avert,  or  even  mitigate,  any  of  Nature’s  punishments  ? Do  those  who 
have  taken  poison  ignorantly  suffer  any  the  less  than  if  knowingly  ? Do 
they  not  generally  all  the  more,  because  ignorant  of  both  the  cause  and 
cure  ? Is  he  the  less  sick  whose  raging  fever  makes  him  think  he  is 
well  ? Nowhere — in  reference  to  nothing — is  ignorance  bliss.  By 
an  ordinance  of  things,  “ knowledge  is  power,”  here  as  elsewhere. 

Not  that  those  in  this  state  are  culpable  for  any  wrong  intentions , 
like  one  who  has  inadvertently  poisoned  himself.  They  are  more  to 
be  pitied  than  blamed.  But  being  thus,  is  it  not  high  time  their 
eyes  were  opened  ? Phrenology  opens  them  by  giving  the  first  clear 
analysis  of  this  state  and  its  cause — interrupted  love. 

Yet  is  this  commonness  to  be  wondered  at  ? The  entire  community 
is  in  total  ignorance  of  this  whole  subject,  and  its  philosophy.  Is  it 
any  wonder  that  they  violate  it  in  practice?  For  conduct  follows 
doctrine.2  And  the  ignorance  of  one  and  all  as  to  those  laws  which 
govern  this  entire  subject-matter  of  this  whole  volume,  is  almost  total 
and  universal.  And  their  violation  equally  universal.  And  these  dread- 
ful consequences  correspondingly  so.  When  will  man  learn  wisdom  ? 

And  this  ignorance  is  likewise  sel {-perpetuating.  It  begets  in  the 
majority  that  qualmish,  averted  state,  just  described,  which  ignores 
this  whole  subject ; and  will  not  let  it  be  talked  about  in  private,  or 
lectured  about  in  public,  or  even  written  about,  except  in  flagrant 
public  cases,  as  of  late,  which  panders  to  its  diseased  tastes,  when  the 
most  prurient  details  are  paraded  in  all  their  depraved  particulars, 
read  by  all  with  avidity,  and  fully  commented  on  pro  and  con.  Where- 
as any  rational,  scientific  exposition  of  this  subject  is  regarded  with 
most  holy  horror.  And  this  horror  becomes  the  more  holy  (?)  as  its 
subjects  are  in  a more  reverted  state. 

The  plain  fact  is,  that  the  shameless  sensualities  of  the  court  of 
Charles. II.  gave  the  Puritan  founders  of  New  England,  and  thereby 
American  feelings  and  customs,  so  great  an  abhorrence  of  those  ex- 
cesses that  they  vainly  attempted  complete  suppression,  in  place  of 
right  direction.  Hence  their  “ Blue  Laws,”  et  id  genus  omne. 

But  these  suppressing  attempts  only  hemmed  it  in  “behind  the 
scenes.”  Society  seems  to  care  less  about  this  sin  itself^  than  its  con- 
cealment. Like  Spartan  views  of  theft,  those  who  could  steal  the  most 
without  getting  caught  were  the  best  fellows.  Only  detection  was 
disgraceful.  “ I do  not  care  so  much  about  my  husband’s  amours,” 
said  a wife,  “ so  that  he  is  only  smart  enough  about  them  not  to  have 
me  see  them.  And  I shan’t  look  so  very  sharply  either,  lest  I should 
be  obliged  to  see  something  T might  not  want  to.”  11  Suh  rosa ” seems 


AVERTED  LOVE  IN  WEDLOCK 


187 


to  be  the  watchword.  But  errors  brought  before  the  public  gaze  are 
most  shocking  in  very  deed  ! 

We  have  already  reproved  this  public  prudery,  but  now  analyzed 
it.  The  first  error  lies  in  presupposing  that  all  exercise  of  Amative- 
ness is  wrong  3 whereas  all  error  lies  only  in  its  perverted  action. 
And  that  all  such  action  is  right  in  marriage ; whereas  its  wrong 
action  there  is  quite  as  wrong  as  elsewhere — worse,  even.  Society 
should  consider  the  what  more  than  merely  where.  Or,  rather,  both 
what  where,  and  where  what.  Is  it  not  high  time  they  inquired, 
u What  saith  Nature’s  sexual  institutes”  and  lived  up  to  them  ! Then 
will  all  both  love  just  right,  and  evade  these  punishments. 

AVERTED  LOVE  IN  WEDLOCK. 

It  remains  only  that  we  apply  this  perverted  state  of  Amativeness 
to  its  marital  form.  To  have  loved  before,  and  been  disappointed, 
has  given  their  Amativeness  this  partly  inflamed  and  partly  reversed 
phase  of  action.  During  courtship  they  get  along  quite  well,  be- 
cause so  far  restrained,  and  their  association  so  partial,  that  they  do 
not  discover  lurking  antagonisms.  But  marriage,  by  their  closer  daily 
intimacy,  soon  discloses  antagonisms  not  at  all  inherent  in  any  nat- 
ural unfitness  for  each  other,  but  in  the  half  inflamed,  half  averted 
state  of  their  love  element.  This  renders  them  attracted,  yet  re- 
pelled. They  love  some,  spar  some,  love  on,  quarrel  on.  But  at 
length  discord  gains  the  day.  Each  means  well,  but  does  badly.  Each 
now  throws  all  the  blame  on  the  other,  whereas  both  are  actually  blam- 
able.  Both  think  themselves  the  most  persecuted  but  patient  creatures 
in  the  world — and  they  really  are  both — yet  each  is  martyring  the 
other,  as  well  as  being  martyred.  Whereas,  if  either,  much  more 
both,  understood  the  true  cause,  namely,  the  wrong  state  of  their  love 
element,  and  applied  the  remedy  we  are  here  prescribing,  and  are  yet  to 
prescribe,  they  could  and  would  soon  render  their  love  perfect.  They 
began  wrong.  Their  previous  love  interruption  is  the  tap-root  and 
trunk  of  their  entire  discord.  They  came  to  their  love-banquet  in  a 
half  nauseated  state,  and  reincreased  this  qualmishness  by  putting 
their  love  too  much  on  the  animal  base,  which  only  still  further  re- 
averted it,  and  eventually,  as  it  were  by  a kind  of  physical  necessity, 
induced  their  conjugal  difficulties. 

And  now,  reader,  we  claim  to  have  probed  this  gangrene  to  its  very 
core.  To  have  laid  open  both  the  cause  and  extent  of  this  great  “so- 
cial evil.*’  And  that  on  first  principles.  To  have  shown  what , by 
having  shown  why.  And  in  an  eminently  practical,  because  perfectly 
philosophical  manner.  And  what  is  most,  in  explaining  its  cause,  to 


188 


PAIRING  A NATURAL  INSTITUTE. 


have  incidentally  eliminated  those  first  principles  in  which  the  remedy 
consists.  Before  presenting  which,  one  point  more,  namely : 

47.  THE  LETHARGIC  OR  DEADENED  STATE  OF  LOVE. 

By  a law  of  things,  over-action  always  and  "necessarily  first  in- 
flames, then  exhausts,  and  thereby  deadens.  Hence,  that  perverted 
and  retroverted  action  of  love  already  described,  naturally  eventuates 
in  its  comatose  state,  which  is  to  its  normal  what  lethargy  is  to  life.  It 
is  the  wreck,  the  paralysis  of  the  wTiole  sexual  constitution,5  6 and  with 
it  all  its  potent  influences  on  character.36 

As  in  progressive  dyspepsia  a ravenous  morbid  hankering  after  food 
supplants  a natural  appetite,  and  gormandizing  greed  an  epicurean 
relish  for  fine  flavors  ; and  as  this  greed  merges  into  that  deadened 
state  of  the  stomach  which  cares  little  for  food  anyhow,  and  is  alike 
indifferent  to  what  and  how  much,  such  eating  mechanically  and  with- 
out relish  even  the  choicest  dainties — so  this  retroversion  of  love 
eventuates  in  both  a complete  indifference  to  the  other  sex  in  general, 
and  own  companion  in  particular.  Like  the  sick  man  who  suffers 
terribly  till  so  far  gone  that  his  pain  ceases  because  he  is  almost 
dead,  so  a cold,  leaden  dormancy  supervenes  on  that  life  and  warmth 
generated  by  a true  sexuality.3  6 Its  pitiable  victims  have  lost  their 
distinctive  sexual  characteristics,  and  become  neuter  genders.  They 
are  no  longer  men  and  women,  but  mere  things.  If  masculines — men 
they  can  hardly  be  called — their  emasculation  has  been  well-nigh 
completed  by  a long-continued  violation  of  nature’s  sexual  institutes 
in  some  form.  Such  pay  little  more  regard  to  females  than  if  chips. 
They  are  prompted  to  none  of  those  courteous  attentions  which  man- 
liness always  feels  and  manifests.15  And  provoke  none  in  return. 
They  regard  wife  with  a like  indifference.  May  like  her  for  her  house- 
keeping, literary,  or  other  talents,  her  piety,  ingenuity,  economy,  etc., 
but  not  as  a wife.  They  go  out  and  come  in  without  one  love-smile 
or  expression,  because,  to  all  practical  intents  and  purposes,  eunuchs  at 
heart,  though  perhaps  its  animal  phase  still  lingers.  Impotent,  yet 
craving.  They  are  to  true  manhood  what  leather  is  to  skin.  They 
work,  talk,  seem  like  men,  but  are  anything  else  instead.  Their 
heart's  core  of  manhood,  and  with  it  most  of  its  trunk,  has  rotted  out. 
The  old  hollow  shell  still  stands,  making  a respectable  outside  ap- 
pearance, perhaps  showing  here  and  there  a half  dead-and-alive  twig, 
or  partly  green  leaf,  but  that  is  all.  Poor  emasculated  entities — dried- 
up  sticks.  Ought-to-be-but-aint-husbands.  Most  heartily  to  be  pit- 
ied, for  they  erred  ignorantly,  and  suffer  innocently.  Not  exactly 
ignorantly  or  innocently  either.  Nature  taught  them  better,  but  they 


THE  LETHARGIC  OR  DEADENED  STATE  OF  LOVE.  189 


ignored  her  instincts.  As  a preacher  once  said  of  a drunken  rioter, 
“There  goes  one  of  my  converts;'57  so  Truth  says  to  that  public 
squeamishness  we  have  just  rebuked,  “There  go  your  victims.77  In- 
telligent, respectable,  honest,  indeed  ; perhaps  all  the  sharper  because 
so  deficient  here,  and  live  good,  every-day  lives,  but  are  automatic,  me- 
chanical, spiritless  have-beens . 

“ But  what  of  their  more  pitiable  wives  ?77  Perhaps  “ they  are  tit 
for  tat  ?77  Like  husband  like  wife.  Yet  doubtless  his  induced  hers. 
And  there  are  many  such,  if  not  in  degree,  at  least  in  kind.  These, 
mock-modesty,  are  thy  victims  ! But  for  your  interdiction  of  this 
kind  of  knowledge,  they  would  have  been  saved  from  this  dead-and- 
alive,  between-hawk-and-buzzard-state.  But  a brighter  day  is  dawn- 
ing. Society  is  about  ready  for  an  advanced  step.  Quite,  if  she  but 
knew  it.  And  it  will  come  apace  when  it  once  sets  in.  And  this 
book  will  hasten  its  advent.  So  will  all  who  extend  its  circulation. 

As  we  have  already  seen  that  both  love  and  its  inflamed  and 
retroverted  action  are  self-perpetuating,42  46  so  likewise  is  this  its 
comatose  state.  And  by  virtue  of  this  law  of  things,  that  inertia  is 
suicidal.  Inaction  is  the  greatest  self-destructionist  there  is  or  can  be. 
As  starvation  is  far  more  destructive  to  the  tone  of  the  stomach  than 
even  over-eating ; as  Nature  hates  small  patterns,  and  can  always  do 
far  better  with  surpluses  than  deficiencies — with  over- work  than  iner- 
tia ; too  much  of  anything  than  too  little — as,  to  swing  and  bandage 
up  even  a vigorous  arm  soon  dwarfs  and  enfeebles  it ; as  the  greatest 
evil  of  the  sick  bed  is  its  want  of  exercise ; whereas,  the  best  of  all 
cures  is  the  action  of  the  ailing  part,  for  this  compels  that  circulation 
which  carries  off  diseased,  and  replaces  healthy  materials  and  condi- 
tions : as  the  dormant  state  of  conscience,  taste,  music,  memory,  rea- 
son, worship,  of  each  and  all  the  mental  faculties  is  more  stupefying 
than  anything  else  whatever ; in  short,  “ as  action,  action , action77 
is  Nature’s  first  great  paramount  law — that  alone  for  which  all  she 
creates  is  created,  and  to  which  alone  all  is  adapted,  and  both  a vacu- 
um and  inaction  are  her  greatest  abhorrence — so  of  love.  Rest,  that  is, 
alternation  in  action,  is  indeed  one  of  her  primal  laws  and  cures.  And 
undoubtedly  this  comatose  state  was  ordained  in  view  of  it.  And  a 
long  rest,  because  of  its  chronic  over-exertion  and  permanent  ex- 
haustion. But  as  even  a long  rest  requires  to  alternate  with  action 
and  food  merely  to  render  this  rest  efficacious,  so  to  tolerate  this  dor- 
mancy for  months  and  years  is  to  reincrease  it.  Nothing  is  equally 
fatal.  To  this  applies  that  divine  saying  : “ To  him  that  hath  shall  be 
given , and  he  shall  have  more  abundantly  ; but  from  him  that  hath  not 
shall  be  taken  away  even  that  he  hath ,77  and  along  with  it  one  of  the 


190 


PAIRING!  A NATURAL  INSTITUTE. 


wise  sayings  of  the  wisest  of  men  : “ The  destruction  of  'the  poor  is 
their  poverty.75  As  he  who,  half  sick,  by  giving  up  becomes  sicker 
and  weaker,  whereas,  if  he  kept  doing,  that  fact  would  have  done 
more  to  restore  him  than  all  else ; so,  giving  over  to  this  inane  cur- 
rent, induces  additional  inanity.  Indeed,  does  not  Phrenology  always 
and  everywhere  recommend  the  exercise  of  memory,  reason,  music, 
mechanism,  worship — any  and  every  phrenological  faculty  one  would 
cultivate,  as  the  one  greatest  of  all  means  of  self-improvement  in  gen- 
eral, and  the  discipline  of  each  individual  faculty  in  particular?  Is 
not  action  the  great  law  of  all  development  ? Then,  does  not  this 
established  law  apply  equally  to  love?  If  not,  why  not?  It  does. 
And  with  redoubled  force.  But  really,  both  this  law  of  action  as 
invigorating,  and  of  inaction  as  re-deadening  all  organs  and  func- 
tions, is  both  so  obvious  and  universal,  and,  withal,  so  perfectly  appli- 
cable to  this  comatose  state  of  the  love  element,  that  we  need  only 

add — which  we  do  with  marked  emphasis — that  it  is  only  right  or 
normal  action  which  thus  builds  up,  while  perverted  action  always 
and  necessarily  breaks  down.  Less,  perhaps,  than  inertia,  yet  is  in- 
herently self-destructive  for  all.  And  as  the  normal  phase  of  love 
consists  in  union  of  spirit , in  love  as  contradistinguished  from  lust,  so 
those  dilapidated  patients  who  would  restore  their  love  element  by  its 
normal  action,  must  by  all  means  see  scrupulously  to  it  that  they  give 
it  the  menial  phase,  in  predominance  over  the  personal — men,  that 
they  cultivate  love  for  that  pure , refined,  high,  exalted,  ethereal,  and 
spiritual  entity  of  virtuous  woman  ; and  women,  for  the  talents,  noble- 
ness, and  intellectual  excellences  of  man,  rather  than  love  of  beauty, 
or  mere  personal  captivations.  Imagine  some  beau-ideal  masculine  or 
feminine,  and  admire  those  who  approximate  thereto.  But  we  shall 
revert  to  this  principle  in  our  next  advance  step,  as  we  virtually  built 
on  it  our  doctrine  of  the  imperiousness  of  love,37  and  obligation  to 
marry.39  40 

And  all  these  aggravated  evils  and  sufferings  of  perverted,  averted, 
and  comatose  love  are  but  the  legitimate  consequences  of  breaking  that 
one-love  law  to  which  this  section  is  devoted.  Reader,  please  here 
re-glance  over  this  section,  and  re-survey  both  its  principles  and  in- 
ferences, and  the  bearings  of  each  on  all,  and  all  on  each.  In  sum- 
ming it  up,  we  put  these  two  home  questions  : Is  promiscuosity  Na- 
ture’s love  ordinance  ? Not  a single  fact  or  principle  in  the  natural 
history  of  man  or  of  love  confirms  it. 

Then  is  one  love  ? Every  law  and  fact  in  the  natural  history  of 
both,  answer  yes.  The  phrenological  organ  and  faculty  of  pairing  j 
its  facilitating  the  production  of  the  greatest  number  and  highest 


BROKEN  HEARTS;  AND  HOW  TO  HEAL  THEM. 


191 


order  of  offspring  * as  well  as  its  absolute  necessity  to  their  rearing ; 
its  securing  to  the  race  homes,  families,  society,  etc.  ; its  self-perpet- 
uating nature,  and  constitutional  abhorrence  of  promiscuosity  ; th8 
equal  number  of  males  and  females  ; the  gradual  merging  of  the  race 
from  promiscuosity  to  exclusiveness,  as  well  as  its  conformity  with 
the  feelings  and  practices  of  the  best  men  and  women  of  the  race ; 
the  purity  of  dual  love,  and  the  sensuality  of  promiscuous;  and, 
above  all,  the  blessed  rewards  of  matrimony,  in  contrast  with  those 
terrible  penalties  of  plurality;  in  short,  every  fact  and  principle  in 
man  and  his  sexual  constitution,  like  all  the  radii  of  a great  sphere 
pointing  to  its  focus,  all  center  in  one  and  but  one  love — that  is,  in 
each  one  of  each  sex  loving  but  one  of  the  opposite,  and  remaining 
faithful  therein  as  the  normal  practical  manifestation  of  this  human 
element. 

It  remains  that  we  next  inquire  whether,  to  what  extent,  and  by 
what  means,  these  dreadful  consequences  of  perverted  love  can  be 
obviated.  That  part  of  our  answer  which  relates  to  the  married  will 
be  found  expounded  in  “ Part  Third,57  or  “ Married  Life,55  and  another 
part  in  u Courtship.55  Meanwhile,  a few  observations  on  that  tem- 
porary mending  of  broken  hearts  which  shall  dispose  and  prepare 
them  to  marry,  is  in  place  here. 

48.  BROKEN  HEARTS  ; AND  HOW  TO  HEAL  THEM. 

Highly  figurative  this  term  “broken-hearted,55  so  generally  applied 
to  those  suffering  from  disappointed  love.  And  peculiarly  expressive 
of  the  effect  produced.  Indeed,  often  more  literal  than  poetic.  A 
Mrs.  Ayers,  on  separating  a pair  of  turtle-doves,  remarkable  for  this 
conjugality,  as  one  was  taken  out  of  the  room,  the  other  flew  wildly 
around  its  cage,  uttered  a scream,  and  fell  down  dead.  On  being 
opened,  its  heart  was  literally  burst  !8  As  when  the  curculio  worm 
probes  the  pit.  the  plum  shrivels  preparatory  to  falling  ; so  how  many 
young  women — and  those  most  who  are  most  lovely  and  loving — are 
hurried  to  premature  graves  by  the  gnawings  of  disappointed  affection  ! 
Reader,  how  long  since  you,  or  some  of  your  neighbors,  followed  to 
an  untimely  grave  a beautiful,  accomplished,  sentimental,  excellent 
girl,  who  died  nominally  of  consumption,  or  some  other  chronic  dis- 
ease, but  really  of  a “ broken  heart  ?55  She  loved  more  devotedly  than 
wisely,  was  neglected,  pined  in  secret,  and  began  to  fade.  At  first 
slowly,  but  surely.  Her  cheeks,  now  ashy  pale,  now  burning  with 
the  hectic  flush.  Eyes  sunken  and  bedimmed.  Lips  livid  and  parch- 
ed. The  doctor  called,  but  useless.  To-day  “ moldering  back  to  dust5’ 
in  her  dismal  grave  ! “ Died  of  a broken  heart  !55  should  be  her  epi- 


192 


PAIRING  A NATURAL  INSTITUTE. 


taph  ! While  he  who  killed  her  as  literally  as  if  he  had  administered 
poison,  is  frolicking  away  with  others  of  the  fair.  Outrageous  ! But 
for  you , she  would,  to-day,  have  been  blithe  and  gay,  or  the  happy 
wife  and  mother  of  a happy  family.  What  business  had  you  with  her 
love — what  has  any  man  with  any  woman’s — unless  you  intend  to  make 
her  your  wife  ? But,  oh  ! how  many  such  ! One  in  almost  every  grave- 
yard, nearly  every  year  ! And  how  many  more  who  barely  survive, 
but  blighted  throughout — spoiled  for  life  ! 

Young  men,  is  it  for  you  to  make  young  women  thus  miserable  ? 
Could  you  cause  them  more  suffering  even  by  thrusting  their  hand 
into  the  fire,  and  then  its  stump  still  farther  in  ? Are  not  mental 
agonies  worse  than  physical  ? And  what  as  agonizing  as  blighted 
love  ? Then  see  to  it  that  you  break  no  female  hearts. 

c;  But  I can  not  help  it.  They  are  so  tender-hearted  that  I can  not 
even  look  at  or  be  decently  polite  to  them  without  their  getting  in 
love.” 

I know  that  woman  is  indeed  most  affectionate.  Made  so,  0 man  ! 
for  your  especial  benefit.  Boarding-school  exotics  doubly  so.  But  is 
this  any  reason  why  you  should  call  out  their  love  only  to  blast  it  ? 
Is  it  not  instead  the  strongest  why  you  should  not  ? Should  you  not 
the  rather  ne  doubly  qareful  not  to  allow  any  to  love  you  unless 
actually  or  prospectively  your  wife  ? 

But,  woman,  you  have  your  preventive.  If  a young  man  visits 
you,  press  him  to  a declaration  of  his  intentions,  by  saying  in  word  or 
act — and  sometimes  actions  speak  loudest — 11  When  you  make  any 
specific  proposals  to  me,  it  will  give  me  pleasure  to  discuss  them  with 
you;  but  till  then  I must  beg  to  be  excused.”  This  will  bring  him 
to  terms,  or  clear  the  coast. 

Nor  has  any  young  man  any  business  to  pay  any  especial  attentions  to 
any  one  young  woman.  As  long  as  he  is  as  polite  and  gallant  to  all 
as  any,  no  matter  how  polite.  But  what  right  has  he  to  single  out  one 
as  the  object  of  his  especial  and  marked  attention,  unless  he  thereby 
means  what  he  says  in  action  : u I prefer  you  of  all  others  as  my 
prospective  wife.”  But  more  of  this  in  courtship.  What  we  mean 
to  say  here,  is,  that  neither  party  should  either  break  hearts,  or  allow 
their  own  to  be  broken.  Nor.  should  either  give  or  take  occasion  for 
a breach  till  they  absolutely  must.  Cursed  those  who  do  either. 
There  is  no  measuring  the  crime  they  perpetrate  against  themselves, 
their  victims,  their  future  children,  and  their  God,  by  violating  his 
u higher  law”  of  love.  But,  instead  of  stopping  now  to  hold  a cor- 
oner’s inquest  over  the  ways  and  means  of  breaking  so  many  hearts, 
we  come  rather  to  ask,  Can  they  be  healed  ? 


BROKEN  HEARTS;  AND  HOW  TO  HEAL  THEM. 


193 


In  the  name  of  all  the  sin  and  suffering  consequent  thereon,36  45  46  47 
can  this  deadly  evil  be  stayed  ? At  least,  can  it  not  he  greatly  mit- 
igated ? als  there  no  balm  in  Gilead?  no  physician  there?”  Has 
not  Nature  anticipated  such  cases,  and  provided  their  remedy?  The 
restorative  principle  applies  throughout  all  her  broken  laws.  As, 
wherever  the  venomous  serpent  crawls,  there  grows  a herb  which, 
seasonably  applied,  neutralizes  its  venom  3 as  all  poisons  have  their 
antidotes  ; as  we  know  many  diseases  to  have  their  panaceas — enough 
to  warrant  us  in  the  inference  that  all  have — as  broken  bones  reunite, 
and  limbs  and  wounds  heal ; as,  in  short,  the  remedial  principle  apper- 
tains throughout  universal  nature- — appertains  equally  to  the  ail- 
ments of  mind  as  well  as  body — the  inference  is  obvious  and  conclusive, 
that  this  recuperative  principle  applies  likewise  to  depraved  and 
deadened  love  and  its  consequences  quite  as  effectually  as  to  other  sins 
and  punishments. 

It  does  thus  apply.  No  heart  can  be  so  badly  broken  but  that  it  can 
be  healed.  And  “ made  as  good  as  new.”  Better,  even,  than  if  it 
had  not  been  broken.  For  there  is  a provision  in  Nature  by  which 
the  very  breaches  of  her  laws  can  be  made  to  prevent  additional  in- 
fraction, and  their  consequences.  Indeed,  this  is  but  the  legitimate 
effect  of  all  Nature’s  punishments.  They  say,  practically,  u Sin  no 
more , lest  a worse  thing  come  upon  thee.”  The  very  nature  of  all 
pain  is  to  warn  us  against  its  cause,  and  therefore  recurrence.  As 
sickness,  rightly  managed,  cleanses  the  system  of  morbid  matter,  and 
leaves  it  all  the  more  healthy;  as  bitterness  tasted  is  more  likely  to 
be  avoided  than  merely  seen  and  described  ; as  sin,  repented  of  (by 
strengthening  his  hate  of  bad  and  love  of  good),  leaves  the  repentant  on 
higher  moral  ground  than  if  he  had  not  sinned;  as  burning  his  fingers 
a little  keeps  the  child  from  burning  them  a great  deal;  as  honey  is 
extracted  even  from  bitter  flowers ; as  all  dismal  swamps  have  their 
banks,  and  dark  clouds  their  silvery  edges  ; as  the  broken  branch 
shoots  out  new  fruit-bearing  substitutes,  etc.,  throughout  all  nature ; 
so  disappointed  love  can  be  so  managed  as  actually  to  benefit  its  vic- 
tims. Not  that  we  should  ” do  evil  that  good  may  come,”  but  that, 
having  incidentally  done  the  evil,  we  should  cast  about  to  both  stave 
off  its  consequences,  and  turn  it  to  practical  account. 

Come,  then,  ye  who  have  thus  suffered,  and  receive  your  panacea. 
And  the  more  you  have  suffered,  the  greater  will  be  your  cure.  So 
raise  that  drooping  head  ! Lift  that  downcast  eye  ! Look  aloft  ! 
Gather  heart  again!  Your  star  of  promise  appears!  Your  dark, 
lowering  sky  brightens  ! Day  dawns  ! cc  Arise,  take  up  thy  bed,  and 
walk,”  certain  of  complete  restoration. 


194 


PAIRING  A NATURAL  INSTITUTE. 


And  it  is  withaJ  easy.  You  are  not  required  to  go  a pilgrimage  to 
Mecca,  nor  make  some  great  sacrifice,  nor  even  spend  a dollar;  but, 
like  all  Nature’s  remedies,  it  is  simple,  accessible  to  all,  at  hand;  not 
bitter,  but  most  delicious;  is  food  to  the  starving;  a cooling  beverage 
to  those  afaint  and  athirst ; marrow  to  the  aching  bones ; oil  to  the 
gaping  wounds  ; a resting-place  to  Noah’s  weary  dove  ; and  a balm  to 
the  jaded  soul. 

C;  In  God’s  name,  then,  what  is  it  ? Divulge  the  secret  now.  I am 
dying  to  know  and  try  it.” 

Then,  first  of  all,  and  preparatory — 

1.  Banish  all  its  painful  reminiscences.  Stop  feeling  bad,  or 
hard.  It  is  this  very  feeling  which  is  killing  you,  and  must  be  con- 
quered. Employ  intellect  partly  to  overrule,  partly  to  banish  it. 

u Impossible  ! As  well  tell  me  to  stop  suffering  if  my  eye  were 
torn  out.  By  night  and  day,  while  walking,  talking,  musing,  even 
sleeping,  my  dreadful  anguish  haunts  me,  and  hangs  like  a mill-stone 
around  my  neck.” 

But,  please  remember,  this  organ  is  inflamed.  This  faculty  is  in  a 
high  fever.  And  it  is  this  febrile  action  which  is  working  all  this  havoc 
with  the  love  element.45  46  47  This  state  is  exactly  analogous  to  that 
of  half-grown  children’s  Inhabitiveness,  often,  the  first  time  they  go 
from  home.  Though  they  have  every  creature  comfort,  kind  friends, 
and  every  means  of  being  happy,  yet  they  are  half  crazy,  half  wild 
with  excitement.  They  can  not  work,  or  eat,  or  even  sleep — anything, 
for  they  are  not  themselves.  All  they  can  say  and  do  is,  u I want  to 
go  home.  1 want  to  go  home  and  see  mother.”  iC0h,  if  I could  only 
go  home  again  !”  That  is,  the  Inhabitiveness  of  the  one,  and  the  Con- 
jugality of  the  other,  are  both  in  a high  fever.  It  is  not  that  home  is 
so  necessary  to  the  one,  or  the  loved  one  to  the  other,  but  only  that 
each  thinks  so.  Both  are  equally  beside  themselves — half  crazy,  each 
on  each  specialty.  And  both  require  vigorously  to  throw  themselves  out 
of  this  half-deranged  state  into  a calm,  self-possessed,  rational  mood. 
This  must  be  done  partly  by  force  of  will.  Who  would  be  free,  him - 
self  must  strike  the  blow.”  For  what  was  will  given  us,  but  to  take 
and  keep  the  helm,  especially  in  cases  like  these?  And  its  power, 
properly  wieided,  is  supreme.  Its  very  nature  is  to  curb  this  passion, 
and  spur  up  that.  To  raise  one  feeling,  and  rise  above  another.  Its 
legitimate  place  is  that  of  the  hierarch — rather  patriarch.  It  also 
both  fortifies,  and  creates  fortitude.  Then  summon  it  to  your  rescue. 

And  with  it  reason — its  twin  brother,  or,  rather,  privy  councilor. 
What  says  your  own  sense  ? Suppose  it  were  talking  with  you,  would 
it  not  say — 


BROKEN  HEARTS;  AND  HOW  TO  HEAL  THEM. 


195 


u Come,  my  precious  one,  why  sit  you  there,  day  after  day,  in  the 
du?nps:  sniveling  away  over  spilt  milk  ? Come,  away  with  this  love- 
sick feeling  !” 

u Oh,  dear  ! my  loss  is  so  great ! My  heart  is  dead  broken  ! It 
never  can  he  healed  ! I never  want  to,  I never  can,  love  another.” 

“But  do  sun,  moon,  and  stars  indeed  rise  and  set  in  your  repelling 
loved  one?  Are  there  not  yet  as  c good  fish  in  the  sea  as  ever  were 
caught  ??  And  can  you  not  -catch  them,  too  ? Are  there  not  other 
hearts  on  earth  quite  as  loving  and  lovely,  and  every  way  as  con- 
genial ? Besides,  is  this  the  Way  either  to  retrieve  your  past  loss,  or 
provide  for  the  future?  Is  it  not  both  unwise  and  self-destructive, 
and  every  way  calculated  to  render  your  case,  present  and  prospective, 
still  more  hopeless?  What  single  good  do  these  painful  reminis- 
cences do  you  ? What  single  evil  do  they  not  aggravate  ? Come, 
stop  this  crying,  and  cheer  up;  else  go  throw  yourself  off  into  the 
dock,  and  ha,ve  done  with  it.  But  if  you  are  still  worth  anything  to 
yourself  or  the  world,  banish  all  painful  recollections  touching  this 
whole  subject.  If  you  can  not  think  pleasantly  on  it,  do  not  think  at 
all ; for  it  is  this  painful  state  of  mind  which  is  doing  you  all  this 
damage.”  46  46  47  This  requisition  is  absolute  and  primary.  Without 
it  there  is  no  use  in  trying  to  go  farther. 

Not  that  it  is  either  weak  or  ridiculous.  It  is  rather  creditable,  as 
showing  how  very  hearty  your  sexuality  :5  than  which  few  human 
excellences  are  greater.  Indeed,  those  who  suffer  most,  do  so  become 
the  best  sexed.  That  is,  they  have  the  highest  order  of  manliness  and 
womanliness.  Men  of  even  commanding  talents  and  great  force  and 
firmness  actually  break  down  under  it.  And  it  is  also  the  highest 
order  of  females  who  suffer  most.  But  is  it  any  reason  that  you  cry 
away  your  life,  because  you  cry  in  good  company  ? Nor  will  any 
sensible  or  moral  aspect  of  your  case  justify  this  suicidal  moaning. 
Then  away  with  it.  Or,  if  you  can  not  banish  it  wholly,  banish  it  as 
far  as  you  can , and  try  the  harder  to  overcome  it  the  more. 

2.  Observe  the  health  laws.  We  are  not  here  now  to  demon- 
strate, but  only  to  assume  and  apply,  the  influence  of  different  bodily 
conditions  over  the  mind,  and  especially  feelings.  If  Nature  has  any 
one  law  more  fundamental  than  any  other,  it  is  her  law  of  organism — 
that  no  one  of  all  her  complicated  functions  ever  is,  ever  can  be,  car- 
ried on  except  in  and  by  means  of  specific  organs  ; and  that  the  reci- 
procity is  perfect  between  the  states  of  all  organs  and  their  functions. 
Hence,  all  dyspeptics  are  always  gloomy,  splenetic,  irritable,  etc.,  be- 
cause their  whole  organism  is  inflamed.  Hence,  too,  drunkards  are 
passional,  because  also  inflamed.  So  are  sick  children,  and  for  the 


196 


PAIRING  A NATURAL  INSTITUTE. 


same  reason.  Indeed,  this  violent  state  of  love  has  inflamed  your 
nerves,  and  thus  reincreased  its  violence  : whereas  a light,  simple  diet, 
daily  ablution,  regular  habits,  and,  above  all,  sound  sleep,  by  quieting 
this  false  physical  excitement,  will  do  much  to  assuage  your  mental 
grief,  and  thereby  stave  off  its  destructive  consequences.  And  there 
is  vastly  more  in  this  advice  than  we  can  now  take  time  to  show.61 

3.  Divert  yourself.  As  headache  is  caused  by  excessive  cerebral 
and  deficient  pedal  action,  and  relievable  by  diverting  action  from  in- 
side to  out  3 as  extra  intense  action  in  one  part  often  diminishes  that 
of  other  parts ; as  restoring  equilibrium  relieves  congestion ; so  pro- 
moting the  action  of  the  other  mental  and  physical  functions  naturally 
relieves  this  “ congestion  of  the  heart”  Think  on  other  subjects,  as  a 
means  of  preventing  your  thinking  perpetually  on  this  matter.  This 
emotion  must  be  offset  by  some  other.  You  have,  or  ought  to  have, 
other  passions  and  appetites  sufficiently  strong  for  several  to  form  a 
powerful  diversion.  Then  urge  them  up.  Of  course,  only  with  their 
legitimate  food.  Why  not,  as  much  as  feed  your  body  ? Love  en- 
grosses but  a smaller  part  of  your  brain.  Then  why  not  make  the 
action  of  those  draw  off  excessive  action  from  this  ? 

Especially  find  something  to  do.  And,  if  possible,  out  of  doors. 
u Idle  hands  are  the  deviUs  workshop.'1  Rack  off  your  mind  by 
something.  And  that  pleasurable.  All  the  better  if  it  adds  bodily 
exercise  to  mental  diversion.  Choose  any  kind  of  effort  which  inter- 
ests you.  But  choose  something.  It  matters  little  what,  so  that  you 
become  diverted.  And  surely  a man  can  set  himself  at  work  both 
pleasurably  and  profitably,  at  farming,  at  gold-digging,  literature, 
politics,  religion,  philanthropic  reforms,  self-improvement  — surely 
something ) for  a world  of  work  of  all  kinds  awaits  doing.  Choose 
what  you  will,  but  both  choose,  and  then  work  with  might  and  main , 
throwing  your  whole  soul  into  your  efforts.  Come,  up  and  at  it,  like 
a true  man  ! 

Especially  love  and  study  Nature.  She  is  full  of  wonders  to  be 
investigated,  and  beauties  to  be  admired.  Nor  will  anything  equally 
either  soothe,  or  divert,  or  heal,  or  cheer  a spirit  wounded  by  what- 
ever cause.  One  revised  u Natural  Religion11  fully  presents  this 
principle,  and  its  rationale.  It  shows  that  this  love  and  study  of  Na- 
ture as  a remedial  agent — merely  as  a medicine  to  both  body  and  mind 
— is  the  most  efficacious  there  is  It  even  cures  bodily  ailments,  much 
more  mental  and  affectional.  It  is  just  the  very  one  to  cure  broken 
hearts.  Try  it.  Study  and  admire  her  power  and  greatness,  as  dis- 
played in  the  starry  heavens  and  geological  records,  in  her  minutest 
wonder-workings  3 in  her  insects,  bees,  birds,  animals,  and,  above  all, 


BROKEN  HEARTS;  AND  HOW  TO  HEAL  THEM. 


197 


human  productions;  and  let  your  heart  go  out  and  up  in  devout  love 
and  worship  of  the  Divine  Author  of  all  these  parental  arrangements 
for  the  happiness  of  all  his  creatures,  yourself  included,  and  you  will 
soon  substitute  a happy,  and  therefore  salient , state  of  mind  for  your 
present  miserable  and  therefore  suicidal  one. 

But  of  all  the  teachers  of  Nature,  the  study  of  Phrenology  is  in- 
comparably the  very  best,  in  both  its  deep  philosophies,  and  the  prac- 
tical life-lessons  it  inculcates.  Then  study  it  most. 

But  all  this  is  not  yet  quite  enough.  Indeed,  is  mainly  but  pre- 
paratory to  the  one  great  cure.  There  yet  remains  one  absolute  speci- 
fic. One  certain  and  universal  restorative.  And  per  se  exactly  adapted 
to  its  delightful  work.  It  is  short  but  potential. 

4.  Love  again.  It  is  as  if  the  body  were  starving.  Many  things 
may  palliate,  but  its  “ one  thing  needful,”  is  more  food r Your  love  ele- 
ment is  starving,  because  denied  its  natural  aliment.  Nor  will  any- 
thing but  its  re-supply  secure  the  purpose.  This  will.  But  we  pre- 
sented this  point  so  fully  in  37,  38,  39,  and  40,  or,  “Love  Imperious,” 
u Marriage  Obligatory,”  “ Old  Bachelors,”  etc.,  that  we  need  here 
only  apply  the  principles  there  demonstrated  to  this  particular  case. 
It  being  imperiously  obligatory  on  all  to  provide  love  with  its  legiti- 
mate object,39  how  much  more  so  those  suffering  under  disappoint- 
ment ? If  all  are  solemnly  obligated  to  furnish  themselves  with  food, 
much  more  those  who,  just  beginning  to  eat,  find  their  table  suddenly 
overturned,  must  cast  about  for  another  meal.  As  one  whose  thirst 
has  brought  on  a raging  fever  doubly  needs  water,  which  will  quench 
it,  and  as  sun  quenches  fire  : so  the  fires  of  a second  love  will  assuage 
the  ragings  of  the  first. 

But  this  brings  up  the  very  point  of  difficulty — daintiness,  lothness 
to  love  again.46  47  Disappointment  steels.  It  creates  this  feeling, 
“ You  don’t  catch  this  old  bird  twice  with  chaff.”  “ Got  my  eye-teeth 
cut  by  this  time.” 

Yes,  but  have  you  got  them  cut  out  ? Yet,  having  already  en- 
forced this  point,  we  only  repeat,  school,  if  needs  be  even  compel , 
yourself  to  love  again.  You  must  first  bring  yourself  to  look  upon 
the  other  sex  as  neither  to  be  hated,  nor  shunned,  nor  even  neglect- 
ed ; but  the  rather  to  be  praised,  prized,  loved,  and  coveted.  You 
must  not  shut  your  mouth  against  all  food  because  of  one  bitter  mor- 
sel, but  try  another.  As  soon  as  possible,  choose  your  future  conjugal 
partner.  But  till  then,  and  in  order  thereto,  re-peruse  and  practice 
the  advice  already  given  to  old  bachelors  and  maids.40  You  have 
induced  that  very  state,  and  must  shake  it  off.  Spruce  up,  and  go  into 
promiscuous  society.  Play  with  girls.  Play  the  agreeable  with 


198 


PAIRING  A NATURAL  INSTITUTE. 


ladies,  appreciating  whatever  in  the  sex  you  can  find  lovely,  and  over- 
looking their  faults. 

u But  what  shall  disappointed  woman  do  ?J?  Anything  she  pleases, 
but  something . To  be  pitied,  indeed,  those  rich  do-nothing  girls,  who 
have  been  disappointed  in  love,  because,  surfeited  in  all  their  facul- 
ties, they  have  nothing  to  do  but  to  pore  over  their  forlorn  condition  ; 
while  those  wTio  are  obliged  to  keep  doing  in  order  to  live,  suffer 
less.  Those  who  are  rich  can  interest  themselves  in  dress,  and  the 
forced  gayeties  of  fashionable  folly.  Better  certainly  that  than  noth- 
ing. And  yet  how  much  better  something  more  substantial  ? Woman 
requires  to  be  a helper  somewhere.  And  of  some  masculine.  If  she 
takes  an  interest  in  politics,  literature,  religion,  or  the  sick,  or  poor, 
let  her  read  or  write  for  the  papers  * or  co-operate  with  her  minister ; or 
turn  nurse,  especially  in  the  families  of  relatives;  or  teach;  or  cir- 
culate benevolent  subscriptions;  or  turn  missionary  in  some  form  ; or 
engage  in  one  or  another  Ci  labor  of  love. ??  But  at  all  events,  keep  doings 
and  apply  to  herself  those  remarks  just  made  touching  the  study  of 
nature.  She  may,  should,  and,  if  true  to  human  nature,  will  admire 
flower,  insect,  bird,  animal,  beauty  everywhere.  Much  more  mascu- 
line excellences.  She  should  interest  herself  in  some  fine  boy.  In 
his  studies,  apparel,  morals,  and  try  to  improve  him  as  if  her  son — pat 
his  cheek,  and  inspire  him  to  goodness  and  manliness.  For  this  is 
beneficial,  and  even  a necessity,  to  both.12  39 

I remember  an  unmarried  lady,  who  had  all  the  ripeness  of  fully- 
developed  womanhood,  along  with  that  mellow  twilight  sadness  which 
accompanies  interrupted  love.  Her  affianced  had  died,  yet  she  con- 
tinued to  love  him.  But,  instead  of  allowing  her  love  to  take  on  that 
averted  or  deadened  phase  just  described,46  47  it  had  thrown  a peculiar 
luster  and  beauty  over  her  manners  and  entire  character.  She  had 
all  the  refined  familiarity  of  the  fully-developed  woman,  without  any 
undue  boldness  on  the  one  hand,  or  prudery  on  the  other,  and  was 
both  attractive  to  and  attracted  by  gentlemen,  as  well  as  eminently 
gifted  in  conversation  with  them,  of  which  she  was  very  fond,  and 
made  all  children,  especially  boys,  love  her  dearly.  Her  disappoint- 
ment had  rather  improved  than  deteriorated,  and  rendered  her  most 
admirable  throughout. 

Frequently,  indeed  generally,  disappointed  love,  after  withering  for 
a time  in  this  averted  or  deadened  state,  revives,  and  begins  again  to 
admire,  instead  of  hating,  the  other  sex.  This  is  the  Indian  Summer 
of  love.  By  all  means  improve  it.  Waste  not  a day,  an  hour.  Pre- 
pare at  once,  and  effectually,  for  its  re-enlistment.  By  all  manner 
of  means  second  Nature,  and  rebuild  your  dilapidated  sexuality  by 


BROKEN  HEARTS;  AND  HOW  TO  HEAL  THEM. 


199 


cultivating  a general  appreciation  of  the  excellences,  especially  mental 
and  moral,  of  the  opposite  sex.  Affiliate  with  those  much  older  or 
younger  than  yourself.  Pursue  this  middle  ground  - neither  steel  the 
.heart  against  the  opposite  sex,  or  allow  it  to  take  on  the  craving  or 
perverted  phase  already  described.45  46 

But,  above  all  things,  when  your  love  does  fasten  a second  time, 
allow  nothing  to  re-disturb  it.  Expect,  but  do  not  allow  little  matters 
to  wound  your  affections  : but  overlook  them  by  remembering  that  the 
fault  doubtless  lies  more  in  your  disappointed  state  of  the  love  element, 
than  in  what  you  dislike.  Try  to  conquer  your  prejudices.  Make 
up  little  difficulties  at  once,  and  vow  to  each  other  not  to  allow  any- 
thing whatever  to  even  begin  to  produce  alienation  * and  also  to  ad- 
mire and  love  what  you  can  find  lovable.  Spend  much  time  in  his 
or  her  society,  and  be  assiduous  in  your  attentions.  Follow  all  the 
advice  given  in  Part  Third  respecting  cementing  the  affections  • and 
be  sure  to  keep  yourself  in  a lovely  as  well  a loving  mood.35  And 
remember,  this  is  your  last  chance.  Its  second  breach  will  prove 
fatal,  irreparable.  Suppose  a tender  vine  had  started  in  the  spring, 
budded,  put  forth  leaves  and  blossoms,  but  been  ruthlessly  torn  up. 
If  left  long  in  the  wind  and  weather,  it  perishes  forever.  But  if  re- 
planted at  once,  and  well  nurtured  and  watered,  its  rootlets  may 
strike  immediately,  and  leaves  and  fruit  keep  on  growing.  But  their 
third  rupture  is  fatal.  So  the  affections  will  bear  transplanting,  if 
done  well  and  soon,  but  not  a second  time.  So  make  the  most  of  this 
second  love  season  ;39  and  take  every  possible  precaution  against  its 
second  rupture.  And  continue  to  cherish  it  until  completely  re-estab- 
lished. 

But  your  own  great  panacea — loving  again — is  an  impracticability. 
Where  love  falls,  it  falls  flat.  Cupid  is  called  1 the  blind  god, ; be- 
cause love  is  a blind  impulse.  Its  love-sick  victims,  seemingly  bereft 
of  their  senses,  are  swept  on  by  frenzied  tide  they  have  no  power  to 
stem. 77 

That  love  does  thus  lead  reason  captive  and  run  mad,77  disdaining 
all  control,  is  admitted:  yet  it  need  not,  should  not.  Is  notwill  a 
primitive  element  of  mind  ? And  is  it  not  legitimate  governor  of  the 
feelings  ? What  other  specific  office  was  it  created  to  subserve  ? Is 
it  not  a first  ordinance  of  mind  that  intellect,  judgment,  shall  guide 
will,  and  will  control  feeling  ? They  are  to  man  what  Congress  and 
President  are  to  the  republic — intellect  dictating,  and  will  execut- 
ing that  dictation.  All  the  feelings  should  be  schooled  into  obedience 
to  will,  and  will  to  reason.  Else  they  will  run  tandem  to  their  de- 
struction. 


200 


PAIRING  A NATURAL  INSTITUTE. 


Then  can  they  not  rule  love  as  well  as  anger,  fear,  worship,  appe- 
tite, or  any  other  sentiment  ? As  all  can  and  should  refrain  from  eat- 
ing or  drinking  what  they  know  to  be  hurtful,  however  strong  their 
cravings,  so  the  intellectual  perception  that  this  one  is  adapted  to  ren- 
der happy,  and  that  one  miserable,  should  induce  love  to  accept  the 
former  but  reject  the  latter,  even  though  disinclined  thereto.  Not  that 
reason  and  will  can  make  sweet  bitter,  or  those  agreeable  who  are 
repulsive,  but  that,  as  we  do,  should,  must  love  our  own  selves  and 
happiness,  will  should  turn  love  from  an  object  calculated  to  render 
us  miserable,  and  to  one  adapted  to  render  us  happy.  Mere  self-love 
— that  strongest  of  human  sentiments — can  and  should  direct  love 
upon  the  object  best  calculated  to  render  us  happy. 

But  your  illustration  is  most  unfortunate.  How  often  do  inebri- 
ates keep  on  drinking,  though  they  Jcnow  they  are  thereby  killing 
themselves  and  ruining  their  families  ! How  many  eat  too  much, 
and  what  they  know  to  be  injurious,  or  continue  to  smoke  or  chew, 
though  they  would  give  the  world  to  be  able  to  resist  this  craving  !2? 

Yet  such  are  practically  beside  themselves,  and  by  no  means  true  types 
of  genuine  humanity.  Nor  are  those  who  allow  love  to  overrule  sense. 
It  is  a first  law  of  mind,  that  all  the  faculties  should  work  in  concert,  with 
reason  at  the  head  of  all  * while  allowing  any  to  act  contrary  to  any, 
and  especially  any  feeling  to  overrule  judgment,  both  brea.k  this  law, 
and  thereby  incurs  its  penalty. 

Admitted  that  those  in  disappointment  generally  do  sigh  and  pine  as  if 
their  loss  were  utterly  irreparable — as  if  even  their  forlorn  hope  had 
fled — as  if  their  very  life  depended  on  their  loving  this  particular  one, 
and  as  if  they  really  can  not  love  any  other,  yet  as,  if  required  to 
select  for  themselves  an  apple  from  a loaded  tree,  they  should  after- 
ward find  it  to  be  sour,  bitter,  rotten,  and  poisonous,  but  that  another 
was  far  better  for  them,  they  ought  wisely  to  give  up  the  former  for 
the  latter  ; so  the  intellectual,  conscious  that  love  has  fastened  upon 
an  unattainable  object,  or  one  calculated  to  render  unhappy,  will 
enable  all  true  human  minds  to  change  their  love  from  a poor  object 
to  a good  one.  And  how  foolish  to  refuse  all  because  that  particular 
one  can  not  be  had  ! And  love  so  often  eventuates  unhappily,  because 
indulged  in  this  wild,  poetic  fancy,  instead  of  being  schooled  and  dis- 
ciplined to  conform  to  the  dictates  of  reason. 

Besides,  those  in  love  are  therefore  infatuated.  They  magnify  the 
excellences  of  their  beau-ideals,  and  overlook  their  faults.  True, 
they  possess  these  excellences  in  part,  yet  others  possess  them  like- 
wise. They  forget  that  there  are  other  hearts  just  as  warm,  just  as 
devoted  as  those  they  love.  Doubtless  even  much  more  so.  Suppose 


BROKEN  HEARTS;  AND  HOW  TO  HEAL  THEM 


201 


circumstances  had  directed  them  to  another,  they  "would  then  have 
prized  the  love  of  that  quite  as  much  as  now  of  this,  and  felt  that 
they  could  not  live  without  that  quite  as  much  as  now  without  this, 
yet  wholly  ignore  this  for  that.  Love  depends  far  less  on  the  party 
loved  than  on  the  loving  one.45 

You  will  also  do  well  to  seek  the  sympathy  and  advice  of  some  in- 
timate friend.  All  the  better  if  older.  And  better  yet  if  of  the 
opposite  sex.12  You  are  partially  beside  yourself,  while  they  would 
look  at  this  whole  matter  from  an  intellectual  stand-point. 

“ But  this  disappointment  occurs  oftener  after  marriage  than  before. 
And  is  much  more  crushing.  What  shall  such  do?5’ 

We  are  not  yet  prepared  to  answer.  Meanwhile,  let  those  answer 
who  can.  Till  then,  let  each  judge  and  act  for  him  or  herself  in  ac- 
cordance with  those  general  principles  which  govern  this  love  ele- 
ment, some  of  which  we  have  already  presented,  and  we  shall  probably 
present  more  hereafter.  And  where  the  principles  which  underlie  this 
subject  can  not  be  especially  applied  to  all  individual  cases,  at  least 
they  will  suggest  other  remedial  appliances  which  can. 

To  avert  these  dire  effects  of  abnormal  love,  then,  should  be 
the  very  first  object  of  its  victims.  They  can  ill  afford  to  live  on  and 
die  off  in  this  its  dilapidated  state.  They  could  better  afford  to  en- 
dure an  inflamed  eye  or  paralyzed  limb  ; but  the  pleasures  and  ad- 
vantages of  normal  love  are  too  precious  a life-behest  to  be  dispensed 
with.  Better  forego  almost  any  other.  Its  perversion  is  so  very  self- 
destructive, and  its  dormancy  indeed  so  great  a life-loss,  that  its 
restitution,  as  far  as  possible,  should  be  a paramount  life-object.36  37 

And  nearly  all  do  suffer  this  loss  more  or  less,  and  incur  its  penal- 
ties. Abnormal  or  dormant  love  is  a great  public  calamity,  a literal 
epidemic.  Humanity,  and  especially  woman,  experiences  a greater 
barrenness  of  its  legitimate  effects  than  of  any  other  function,  physical 
or  mental.  And  it  needs  right  direction  and  nurture  most.  In  this  great 
problem,  patrician  and  plebeian,  savan  and  ignoramus,  saint  and  sin- 
ner, male  and  female,  young  and  old,  one  and  all,  are  almost  as  deeply 
interested  practically  as  in  Fulton’s  or  Morse’s  enterprise,  or  the  suc- 
cess of  the  Revolution.  Indeed,  its  intrinsic  practical  importance 
must  soon  render  it  one  of  the  problems  of  the  age.  In  fact, 
‘•broken  hearts”  constitute  the  largest  branch  of  that  great  “social 
evil”  already  discussed.45  Nor  can  it  longer  be  bluffed  off,  as  we 
puff  out  a candle.  The  cries  of  too  many  perishing  b.v  agonizing  inches 
are  deafening  the  public  ear  to  permit  it  to  be  stifled.  Nearly  all  are 
more  or  less  its  victims.  Reader,  have  you  not  suffered  thus  ? This  prob- 
lem must  be  solved — adjudicated  on  first  principles.  Phrenology  solves 


202 


PAIRING  A NATURAL  INSTITUTE. 


it.  Should  we  not  expect  that  a science  which  so  perfectly  analyzes 
an  evil,  would  also  reveal  its  antidote  ? And  in  this  same  thorough, 
because  scientific  manner?  It  does  thus  prescribe.  That  prescription 
we  have  just  embodied.48  For  thirty  years  we  have  been  investi- 
gating and  poring  over  this  painful  topic,  more  than  all  others.  And 
been  driven  to  the  conclusions  just  announced.  At  first  we  rejected 
them.  But  they  forced  themselves  back  upon  us  by  both  reason  and 
facts,  from  so  many  stand-points  as  to  compel  us  to  admit  them.  If 
they  do  not  correctly  interpret  nature,  please  show  wherein.  Or  let 
those  who  reject  this  panacea  for  broken  hearts  prescribe  a better.  How 
few  but  need  some  cure  ! Then,  is  not  this  per  se  the  natural  one? 
What  if  the  Grundys  do  oppose  it  * are  they  the  highest  types  of  a 
true  human  life  ? What  if  it  is  new  • have  not  innovations  achieved 
so  much  for  our  age  and  generation  that  fogyism  ought  to  be  at  a dis- 
count ? Surely  we  should  be  the  last  to  reject,  and  first  to  accept  new 
doctrines.  How  long  since  steam,  railroads,  telegraphs  w^ere  innova- 
tions ? At  least  let  objectors  themselves  “heal  the  people,75  or  else  let 
us.  Do  not  all  objections  to  it  cluster  about  its  not  bein  g customary? 

Besides,  goes  it  not  right  home  to  your  own  heart’s  consciousness  ? 
Suppose  all  societary  objections  either  withdrawn  or  else  reversed  in  its 
favor , would  not  your  own  soul  clutch  at  it,  as  a longing  child  seizes  that 
aliment  for  which  it  pines  ? What  is  it  but  applying  to  the  love  ele- 
ment those  same  principles  of  cultivation  and  improvement  conceded 
to  apply  to  all  the  other  faculties  ? At  all  events,  here  it  is.  Accept 
or  reject,  each  for  your  own  selves.  As  California  gold  was , long  be- 
fore it  was  discovered,  so  this  cure  is,  whether  adopted  or  discarded. 
And  is  to  be  the  great  “ healer  of  the  nations.”  Many  a starving 
soul  awaits  its  promulgation.  And  it  is  destined  soon  to  work  as  com- 
plete a revolution  in  the  social  department  of  human  life,  as  steam  has 
just  wrought  in  the  mechanical.  That  as  marked  a revolution  is  both 
possible  and  needed,  is  perfectly  obvious.  That  it  must  come  some  time 
and  somehow,  is  rendered  evident  by  the  entire  economies  of  the  race. 
That  these  doctrines  are  adapted  to  effect  them,  all  who  practice  them 
will  become  exultant  living  witnesses.  It  will  soon  work  as  complete 
a revolution  in  this  department  of  humanity  as  steam  has  done  in  the 
mechanical. 

Having  thus  fairly  prevised  a right  love  by  pointing  out  the  evils 
of  a wrong,  its  cure  in  and  by  the  proper  development  of  the  affections 
comes  next  in  order.  This  involves  both  the  selection  of  an  appro- 
priate object,  and  a true  conjugal  life  ; to  which  we  shall  next  address 
ourselves,  after  disposing  of  two  side  applications  of  our  present  sub- 
ject, namely,  second  marriages,  and  mourning. 


SECOND  MARRIAGES  : SELDOM  NECESSARY. 


This  one-love  doctrine,  indeed  the  subject-matter  of  this  whole  sec- 
tion, its  four  last  phases  particularly,45  46  47  48  naturally  call  up  second 
marriage,  which  they  seem  to  counteract.  This  subject  is  too  im- 
portant not  to  be  thoroughly  canvassed,  and  on  its  first  principles,  in 
a work  like  this.  Then  what  says  Phrenology  respecting  them  ? 

49.  second  marriages:  seldom  necessary. 

Strictly  speaking,  there  exists,  in  the  primitive  economies  of  nature, 
few  occasions  for  more  than  one  marriage.  When  parties  marry  at 
similar  ages,39  and  live  together  affectionately,  though  one  is  naturally 
much  longer  lived  and  stronger  constitutioned  than  the  other,  the 
stronger  will,  by  a law  of  love,  naturally  impart  surplus  vitality  to 
the  weaker,  so  that  both  will  live  on  till  their  common  life-fund  will 
be  exhausted  about  simultaneously,  and  both  be  prepared  to  die  nearly 
together.  Indeed  often,  when  two  have  lived  happily  together  many 
years,  the  death  of  either  is  but  the  immediate  precursor  of  that  of  the 
other.  The  survivor  lives  on  a few  months,  only  to  drop  off  seemingly 
without  apparent  cause.  Such  cases  are  of  frequent  occurrence. 

Still,  both  parties  may  love  devotedly,  and  yet  the  survivor  live  on 
for  years.  Yet  these  cases  generally  occur  when  the  deceased  dies 
suddenly , or  of  some  violent  sickness,  wrong  doctoring  or  nursing, 
away  from  home,  or  where  little  opportunity  is  allowed  for  this  trans- 
fer of  vitality. 

u But  cholera,  yellow  fever,  etc.,  leave  many  a widow  and  wid- 
ower who  must  either  marry  again,  or  else  live  a life  more  lonely 
than  if  they  had  never  married.  Who  deserves  more  pity,  whose 
hearts  break  more  hopelessly,  than  those  who  have  lost  a loved  con- 
jugal mate  ?77 

Though  such  bereavements  are  very  common,  they  are  by  no  means 
necessary.  None  need  ever  die  of  cholera.  This  disease  prevails 
'mainly  in  lime-water  districts,  while  those  who  use  good  rain  water, 
both  for  cooking  and  drinking,  never  have  it.  We  say  good  rain 
water,  in  contradistinction  from  that  kept  in  tanks  above  ground,  and 
allowed  to  putrefy,  become  alive  with  aqueous  inhabitants,  or  tainted 
by  the  stench  and  putrid  dust  of  hot  Southern  cities:  meaning  good, 
wholesome  rain  water,  received  and  preserved  cool  in  deep:  under- 
ground cisterns.  All  the  better  if  run,  before  using,  through  John 
Kedzie’s  Rochester  filterers.  No  member  of  any  family  who  uses 
such  water  will  ever  have  cholera,  or  even  bowel  difficulties  of  any 
kind,  unless  they  live  in  some  narrow  and  most  filthy  street.  Fair 
sanitary  regulations,  along  with  hygienic  applications,  will  keep  off 
cholera  and  yellow  fever,  and  water  treatment,  seasonably  applied, 


204 


PAIRING  A NATURAL  INSTITUTE. 


cure  both.  We  repeat  it  meaningly,  cases  of  violent  death  ought  to 
be  rare,  and  bereavements  few. 

And  what  is  more,  every  husband  is  under  the  most  sacred  obliga- 
tion to  his  wife  and  family  to  so  far  preserve  his  health  by  a full  ob- 
servance of  the  health  laws,  so  as  not  to  become  sick.  If  he  alone 
were  concerned,  he  might  expose  himself  to  disease  with  less  respon- 
sibility. But  no  duty  of  a husband  or  father  is  more  sacred  than  the 
preservation  of  his  health.  To  subject  an  affectionate  wife  to  all  the 
agonies  of  lacerated  affection ) to  break  her  heart  by  mourning  his 
loss,  and  then  obliging  her  to  transfer  it  to  another,  and  likewise 
run  all  this  risk,  besides  leaving  his  children  orphans,  wanting  a 
fathers  educational  and  advisatory  influence,41  even  though  provided 
with  dollars  enough  for  their  comfortable  maintenance,  is  just  the 
greatest  wrong  he  can  inflict  upon  them.  He  is  solemnly  bound  to  live 
on  till  his  children  are  grown  up.  And  those  who  have  constitutional 
stamina  enough  to  become  parents,  have  enough  to  last  them,  with 
proper  care,  until  their  children  are  fully  able  to  take  care  of  them- 
selves, and  till  their  companion  is  too  far  advanced  to  desire  to  marry 
again.  This  is  an  ordinance  of  Nature. 

And  is  not  a loved  wife  under  quite  as  great  obligations  to  make  her 
health  and  life  paramount?  To  protect  them  first , and  at  any  and 
all  sacrifices?  What  becomes  of  her  family  when  she  is  sick?  She 
not  only  can  not  do  for  them,  but  obliges  them  to  do  for  her  instead. 
Merely  in  order  to  serve  them:  she  requires  to  make  her  health  fore- 
most. 

And  shall  not  husbands  preserve  their  wives’  health  as  well  as 
their  own  ? What  are  business  claims  in  comparative  importance  ? 
And  yet  how  many,  immersed  in  business,  see  their  wives’  health 
sink  under  constant  over-exertions,  vexatious  cares,  or  one  or  another 
cause,  till  past  recovery  ! They  now  call  doctor  after  doctor,  and 
make  any  and  every  pecuniary  sacrifice,  after  it  is  too  late*  whereas 
a tithe  of  the  same  effort,  wisely  applied  in  season,  would  have  saved 
the  balance  of  their  money,  and  her  health  besides.  And  what  that 
he  has,  or  can  get  or  do,  but  can  well  be  afforded  in  order  to  save  a 
good  wife’s  life,  or  restore  a sick  one? 

And  is  not  a good  wife  equally  interested  in  her  husband’s  health  ? 
To  see  him  toil  on  early  and  late  in  protracted  business  struggles, 
while  she  draws  from  his  strained  purse  all  she  well  can,  with  which 
to  make  a fine  display  of  dress,  parties,  style,  etc.,  is  both  short- 
sighted and  cruel — a wrong  to  herself  and  children  as  well  as  him, 
and  may  yet  cost  both  his  life. 

The  fact  is,  that  each  member  of  every  family  ought  to  constitute 


SECOND  MARRIAGES  ARE  DESIRABLE.. 


205 


a vigilance  committee  to  watch  over  each  and  all  the  other  members* 
health,  as  well  as  his  or  her  own.  None  can  allow  themselves  or  any 
other  member  to  fall  sick  without  doing  palpable  injustice  to  all. 
What  right  has  any  member  of  any  family,  by  violating  the  health 
laws,  to  impose  on  the  other  members  of  that  family  all  the  anxieties, 
sleeplessness,  and  additional  labors  required  to  nurse  him  or  her  all 
through  a fit  of  self-induced  sickness  ? Disease  is  consequent  only  on 
the  violation  of  the  health  laws,  and  is  a luxury  (?)  those  only  have 
any  right  to  who  can  pay  liberally  for  all  the  trouble  they  cause. 
And  are  not  parents  under  equal  moral  obligations  to  preserve  their 
children’s  health  ? And  guilty  if  they  are  sick  ? But  of  this  in  Yol.  III. 

Still,  as  society  now  is,  as  public  disasters  abound,  and  malignant 
disease  and  premature  death  in  many  forms  leave  many  a forlorn 
widower,  widow,  and  children,  the  practical  question  is  whether,  as  a 
general  thing. 

50.  SECOND  MARRIAGES  ARE  DESIRABLE. 

That  they  can  be  so  formed  and  conducted  as  to  promote  the  happi- 
ness of  all  parties,  is  undoubted.  That  their  former  conjugal  experi- 
ence, whether  happy  or  unhappy,  rather  fits  than  unfits  for  another, 
is  established  by  the  adage,  “ To  live  is  to  learn.”  All  subsequent 
loves,  by  acting  as  salvos  to  bereavement,  can  be  made  to  embrace 
subsequent  objects  with  even  more  clinging  fondness  than  the  first, 
because,  as  just  shown  in  cases  of  “ broken  hearts,”  it  renders  them 
happy.48 

“ Yet  this  contravenes  that  one-love  law  already  urged  so  forcibly.” 

But  first-love  marriages  are  rare.  R,arer  still  those  marred  by  no 
alienations.  Where  first-love  and  marriage  have  been  perfect , second 
ones  are  less  desirable ) yet,  even  here,  this  same  experience,  just 
applied  to  second  loves,  equally  recommend  second,  and  even  third, 
marriages,  as  Nature’s  antidote  for  bereavement— a principle  beauti- 
fully enforced  by  the  following  instructive  anecdote.  Returning  from 
a lecture  on  marriage,  with  a second  husband,  he  said : 

“ Should  it  not  have  discussed  second  marriages?  A matter  thus 
practically  interesting  and  important  to  so  many,  should  not  have  been 
ignored.” 

“Then  what  says  your  experience?  It  may  furnish  something 
worth  saying  hereafter.” 

“ It  is  this.  For  seventeen  long  years  myself  and  wife  lived  on 
these  prairies,  far  from  neighbors  and  market,  where  our  isolation  and 
mutual  struggles  but  endeared  us  the  more  to  each  other,  till,  just  as 
the  railroad  train  dashed  past  our  door,  and  the  depot,  located  on  our 


206 


PAIRING  A NATURAL  INSTITUTE. 


land,  had  rendered  ns  rich,  my  wife  died  of  cholera  in  a day  ! The 
suddenness  of  the  blow  completely  paralyzed  me.  I wandered,  listless 
and  inane,  through  wood  and  field,  till,  six  months  afterward,  my 
mother,  seeing  how  sadly  my  loss  affected  me,  said  : 

u : George,  this  will  never  do.  You  must  not  give  up  thus  to  grief. 
Come,  rally,  and  marry  again.7 

u c Oh,  mother,  I can  never  think  of  that  ! It  would  he  sacrilege 
to  my  Eliza.  Besides,  if  a second  wife  should  not  prove  fully  equal 
to  my  first — which  I could  hardly  expect,  for  such  wives  are  rare — I 
should  only  be  perpetually  making  invidious  comparisons,  to  the 
detriment  of  all  parties,  and  the  additional  blighting  of  my  own 
love.7 

“ ■ But,  my  son,  “ there  are  yet  as  good  fish  in  the  sea  as  ever  were 
caught.77  Your  having  had  one  good  wife  no  way  precludes,  rather 
facilitates,  your  obtaining  another.  Try  again.  Courage,  my  son.7 

“ * Oh,  but,  mother,  I can  never  think  of  placing  my  dear  children 
under  a step-mother.  It  would  be  positively  cruel.7 

“cYet,  son,  they  are  now  under  hirelings.  A step-mother  could 
not  be  worse.  And  you  could  see  them  much  better  provided  for,  if 
married,  and  with  them,  than  now,  not  married,  and  away ; for  they 
would  then  be  under  your  more  immediate  supervision.  And  there 
are  women  calculated  to  make  good  step-mothers.  Miss  S,  is  one. 
She  would  be  much  better  as  a wife  for  you,  and  mother  for  your 
children,  than  any  hired  girl  could  be.  And  having  this,  that,  and  the 
other  prerequisite  for  a good  wife  and  step-mother,  you  could  keep 
your  family  together,  and  get  along  much  better  every  way  by  mar- 
rying her  than  remaining  single.7 

“I  saw  the  force  of  her  reasoning,  changed  front,  paid  my  addresses 
to  this  woman77  (she  was  then  sitting  on  his  lap,  with  her  elbow  rest- 
ing on  his  shoulder,  and  her  hand  twirling  his  locks),  “she  accepted, 
takes  just  as  good  care  of  my  children  as  their  own  mother  ever  did, 
and  they  are  as  happy  in  her,  and  know  no  difference,  and,  for  aught 
I see,  I am  just  as  happy  in  this  wife  as  that.  It  is  as  if  a bright  fire 
had  long  been  burning  on  the  family  hearth,  but  gone  out,  and  its  live 
coals  buried  under  its  own  ashes,  while  another  had  been  built  above, 
and  was  burning  brightly,  yet  neither  interfering  with,  but  rather 
helping,  the  other.  It  is  infinite  happiness  to  me  that  I can  heal  my 
wmunded  heart  by  sympathizing  with,  and  receiving  sympathy  from, 
a second  wife,  who  was  my  first  wife’s  intimate  friend,  and  recom- 
mended by  her  as  her  successor.  As  for  her,  she  herself  can  say 
whether  she,  too,  is  happy  in  us.77  She  here  impressed  a conjugal 
kiss  upon  his  willing  cheek,  wiiile  he  added,  “ My  second  marriage 


SECOND  MARRIAGES  ARE  DESIRABLE. 


207 


has  obviously  contributed  immeasurably  to  the  happiness  of  all 
parties,  my  own  especially.’7 

Another  anecdote  will  both  state  and  enforce  another  weighty  con- 
sideration in  favor  of  second  marriages.  A Quakeress,  of  the  highest 
respectability  and  phrenological  endowments,  had  married  a second 
husband  far  inferior  to  herself  in  every  respect,  and,  as  a natural 
consequence,  open  discord  had  broken  out  between  them.  She  con- 
sulted me.  I said : 

u A woman  of  your  sagacity  marry  a man  so  much  your  inferior  ! 
You  were  too  old  and  sagacious  not  to  have  known  better.77 

“ But,  sir,  you  at  least  will  appreciate  my  motive.  It  was  this. 
From  my  youth  I had  looked  forward  to  children,  or  at  least  one  child 
of  my  own  to  love  and  be  loved  by,  to  nurse  me  in  my  dotage,  close 
my  eyes  in  death,  bury  me,  and  weep  over  my  grave,  as  one  of  the 
dearest  hopes  and  most  cherished  heart-yearning  of  my  life.  I had 
borne  six  children  by  my  first  husband,  but  seen  them  all  die,  one  after 
another,  along  with  their  father,  of  consumption.  I could  not  bear 
the  thought  of  a childless  old  age.38  40  I knew  from  the  first  that  my 
present  husband  was  not  adapted  to  me ) but  as  his  proffer  held  out 
the  hope  of  an  additional  child  or  two  to  comfort  my  declining  years, 
1 accepted,  fearing  that  I might  not  have  another  seasonable  one. 
But  our  disparity  has  both  frustrated  my  hopes,  and  borne  me  down 
with  trouble.  Still,  was  not  my  motive  justifiable?77 

Reader,  answer  for  yourself.  I could  not  condemn.  Could  but 
approve™  And  recommend  the  principle  here  involved  to  universal 
adoption:  meanwhile  cautioning  its  more  judicious  application.  Yet 
there  are  cases — and  they  are  numerous — in  which  second  marriages 
are  not  desirable.  The  following  anecdote  will  illustrate  them.  Mrs. 
G said  : * 

u Mr.  and  Mrs.  F , will  you  take  a ride  with  me  along  the 

banks  of  our  beautiful  Grand  River  to-morrow  morning  ? My  horse 
and  carriage  were  willed  me  by  my  deceased  husband,  and  I am  my 
own  postillion.77 

We  went.  Fairly  out  of  town,  she  turned  around,  and  looking  us 
full  in  the  face,  said  earnestly — 

Friends,  I invited  you  to  take  this  ride  as  much  on  my  own  ac- 
count as  yours.  I want  your  advice  on  a matter  of,  to  me,  the  utmost 
importance,  and  feel  that  you  are  qualified  to  give  it.  My  hand  is 
besought  in  marriage  by  a man  I have  known  from  childhood.  And 
only  favorably.  He  even  made  love  to  me  before  I knew  my  hus- 
band. and  says  he  has  never  married  because  he  still  hoped  to  marry 
me.  Having  property  himself,  he  does  not  need  to  marry  me  for  my 


208 


PAIRING  A NATURAL  INSTITUTE. 


money.  And  promises  me  the  most  devoted  affection.  And  even  begs 
me  to  marry  him  if  only  out  of  pity  .** 

I shook  my  head,  and  interruptingly  remarked,  u Never  marry  out 
of  pity,  for  this  will  soon  place  you  too  in  need  of  sympathy.  I never 
knew  one  who  married  out  of  pity  to  he  happy.  This  alone  must 
necessarily  render  both  miserable.’*  She  continued — 

c<  True,  all  seems  right,  and  friends  join  in  persuading  me” 
u But,  madam,**  I added,  u let  this  infallible  test-question  decide 
the  matter.  Do  you  feel  willing  to  admit  another  to  that  sacred  place 
in  your  affections  which  your  deceased  husband  occupied?**  Fori 
knew  their  affection  was  mutual  and  perfect,  and  a first  love  on  both 
sides.  u Can  you  enthrone  this  in  the  same  place  just  vacated  by  that, 
and  receive  him  right  home  to  the  core  of  your  heart  ?** 

u Ah,  sir,  you  have  probed  the  very  point  from  which  my  innermost 
soul  recoils.  I still  feel  that  my  husband  is  ever  present  with  me,  as 
much  as  when  alive ; that  I commune  with  him  daily;  that  he  is  my 
guardian  angel ; and  that  I enjoy  the  sweet  consciousness  of  his  per- 
petual love  and  union,  and  that  a second  marriage,  however  prom- 
ising, would  be  a sacrilege  from  which  I instinctively  revolt.43  I 
shudder  at  the  thought.  Besides,  I feel  perfectly  contented  as  I now 
am,  and  involuntarily  dwell  on  the  pleasant  reminiscences  of  past 
love,  rather  than  pine  over  our  separation.  This  may  seem  strange, 
hut  is  literally  true.** 

u It  is  natural  to  a perfect  love  in  its  highest  state.48  It  always 
might  and  should  take  on  this  pleasant  phase.  By  no  means  consent 
to  a second  marriage.  Your  premonitions  are  right.  To  violate  them 
would  spoil  your  life.  By  all  manner  of  means  remain  single.** 

“ I will.  Your  advice  accords  perfectly  with  my  own  interior  con- 
sciousness, as  wTell  as  better  judgment.** 

u If  you  felt  like  putting  on  fine  feathers,  turning  gay  again,  at- 
tracting the  attention  of  gentlemen  and  being  attracted,  J setting  your 
cap,*  and  courting,  I should  earnestly  advise  you  to  love  and  marry 
again.  But  if  not,  not.  And  this  advice  is  based  in  this  principle, 
that  whenever  our  system  requires  any  special  aliment,  it  will  crave 
it.  Hence,  since  you  positively  loathe  a second  marriage,  decline  his 
proffer.  Do  it  as  gently  and  handsomely  as  you  can.  Wound  his 
feelings  as  little  as  possible.  Say  no  so  sweetly,  gently,  and  seem- 
ingly reluctantly,  as  by  leaving  him  your  friend,  to  sav«  yourself, 
while  you  do  him  the  least  possible  damage.** 

Other  circumstances  may  justify  a like  declination,  but  in  ninety- 
nine  cases  in  every  hundred,  especially  where  their  ages  hold  out 
parental  prospects,  second  marriages  are  as  desirable  as  all  the  varie- 


SECOND  MARRIAGES  ARE  DESIRABLE. 


209 


gated  happiness  they  can  be  made  to  yield  to  all  concerned.  Even 
elderly  people  may  marry.  Nor  should  mere  feeling,  nor  minor  ad- 
verse circumstances,  only  abundant  reason,  dictate  a decline.  Espe- 
cially if  a first  has  not  been  absolutely  perfect,  a second  is  all  the 
more  essential  and  auspicious.36  38  If  a second  love  can  only  be  ini- 
tiated— and  it  usually  can  be.  unless  reversed,  or  else  perfectly  satis- 
fied43 45 — by  all  means  reunite.  Even  when  the  feelings  rebel  at  first, 
they  can  and  should  be  schooled  to  look  at  it  fairly,  and  on  the  favor- 
able side,  because  the  unfavorable  is  naturally  uppermost.  Nor  are 
Second  marriages,  for  convenience7  sake,  by  any  means  neces- 
sarily objectionable.  Even  where  the  first  has  been  complete,  subse- 
quent ones  may  be  advisable.  Thus,  a widower  has  a family  of 
children,  who,  besides  all  he  can  do  for  them,  need.,  must  have,  that 
care  and  training  which  only  a woman  can  bestow,  and  which  he  is 
solemnly  bound  to  provide.  A step-mother  is  by  far  its  best  form. 
An  aunt,  a stranger,  even,  would  be  better  than  none,  but  his  wife 
would  naturally  do  best.  Then  is  not  he  justified  in  marrying  again 
mainly  to  provide  them  with  this  female  nurture,  and  she  in  accepting 
so  good  an  opportunity  to  promote  his,  her,  and  their  happiness  ? 
Besides,  all  women  need  both  husband  and  children  to  love  and  care 
for  ;38  40  and  many  need  to  marry  in  order  to  furnish  the  best  proper 
sphere  for  the  exercise  of  their  affections  * thus  supplying  her  with 
children  to  love,  and  children  with  female  care. 

And  why  not  a widower,  advancing  in  years,  by  marrying  a woman 
younger  than  he  is,  provide  himself  prospectively  with  that  care  he  is 
sure  to  need  , and  compensating  her  by  a home,  creature  comforts,  posi- 
tion, property,  etc.  ? What  objection  to  this  mode  of  promoting  the 
happiness  of  all  parties  ? They  can  regulate  their  intimacies  to  suit 
themselves  and  circumstances.  They  must  not  allow  discord,  of 
which  love  is  the  great  antidote.  Or  they  can  base  their  relations  in 
friendship,  and  the  amenities  due  between  the  sexes,14  without  infring- 
ing the  least  upon  a former  love,  however  sacred.  First  marriages  should 
be  based  in  love  alone.  Second  ones  are  permissible  on  other  grounds, 
and  can  usually  be  made  conducive  to  the  happiness  of  all  parties. 
Yet  they  absolutely  must  observe  the  following  common-sense  rules: 
First.  On  no  account  whatever  draw  comparisons,  always  odious;  for 
favorable  ones  disparage  the  dead — unfavorable,  the  living.  About 
as  well  tell  them  to  their  faces  that  you  wish  they  were  dead,  as  how 
much  better  the  former  loved  one  was  : for  it  is  the  worst  possible 
kind  of  personal  reflection  — much  worse  than  ordinary  conjugal 
blames.21  Secondly.  Former  loves  may  be  cherished  internally,  like 
live  coals  buried,  but  must  not  come  to  the  surface.  If  dissatisfied, 


210 


PAIRING  A NATURAL  INSTITUTE. 


make  the  best  of  what  is,  but  never  aggravate  it  by  reproach,  or  else 
abandon  all  hope  of  conjugal  happiness.  Instead,  assiduously  cherish 
love  by  little  attentions. 

How  long  should  they  wait?  Only  just  as  long  as  they  them- 
selves please.  In  what  law  is  the  custom  of  waiting  a year  based  ? 
Of  course  to  transfer  the  affections  takes  time  • but,  as  already  shown, 
the  sooner  it  is  effected,  the  less  damage  is  inflicted  by  grief,  and  the 
better  all  around. 

Step-parents  and  children,  and  the  amalgamation  of  different 
families,  usually  occasions  the  greatest  evils  incident  to  second  mar- 
riages. Of  course,  as  parents  naturally  do  and  ought  to  love  and  care 
for  their  own  children  most,  a step-mother  will  instinctively  side  with 
and  pet  her  own  children  in  preference  to  step-children.  And  ought 
to,  both  because  hers,  younger,  and  more  needy.  Yet  this  obvious 
duty  often  creates  hardness.  Her  task  is  indeed  trying.  She  deserves 
thanks  for  even  undertaking  it.  Much  more  if  she  does  her  best. 
Doubly,  if  she  does  well.  It  requires  a superb  woman  to  become  a 
good  step-mother.  And  such  deserve  all  praise. 

But  are  not  step -children,  after  all,  oftenest  in  fault  ? Whereas  all 
ought  to  lighten  her  burden  by  enlisting  them  in  her  behalf,  yet  how 
frequently  do  they  re-increase  it  by  prejudicing  them  against  her,  till 
they  actually  come  to  regard  her  as  an  intruder  to  be  opposed,  rather 
than  a mother  to  be  helped  and  loved  ? They  forget  that  it  is  her  or 
none , or  perhaps  worse  ■ and  instead  of  being  thankful  for  what  she 
actually  does,  they  blame  her  for  not  doing  more,  besides  misconstruing 
everything.  Should  they  not,  instead,  regard  what  she  does  do,  be  it 
little  or  much,  well  or  ill,  more  as  a gratuity  than  duty  ? For  what 
requires  her  to  do  at  all  but  her  relations  to  their  father  ? Then,  should 
they  not  praise  and  help,  instead  of  blaming  and  hindering?  Does 
she  deserve  the  odium  usually  heaped  upon  step-mothers  ? How  many 
in  like  circumstances  would  do  better?  And  their  obvious  interest 
is  by  complaisance,  by  kind  offices,  and  good  feeling,  to  coax  out  of  her 
a thousand  little  favors  they  could  never  obtain  if  at  enmity.  Grat- 
itude for  few  and  small  favors  is  the  best  known  means  for  obtaining 
more  and  greater  ones.  And  outsiders  should  by  all  means  always 
promote  peace — not,  as  too  often,  stir  up  strife.  Still,  a good,  kind, 
motherly  woman  can  generally  establish  affectional  and  filial  rela- 
tions, without  which  there  is  no  living  together,  but  with  which  step- 
parents and  children  can  live  about  as  happy  as  own.  At  least,  a meek, 
motherly  spirit  will  greatly  lighten  her  task.  Be  it  that  she  is  how- 
ever right  or  they  wrong,  better  suffer  than  resist. 

This  same  general  advice  is  equally  applicable  to  the  step-father. 


MOURNING  FOR  THE  DEAD  AND  ABSENT, 


211 


He,  the  dignified  head  of  the  family,  its  natural  umpire  and  regu- 
lator. should  be  an  arbitrator  and  peacemaker  between  all  parties, 
yet  slow  to  decide  directly  for  or  against  either,  but,  instead,  show 
their  faults  to  the  erring,  and  obviate  them  by  appealing  to  their 
higher  faculties.  By  a firm,  just,  judicious,  and  affectionate  course 
all  around,  he  can  generally  assuage  animosities,  if  not  obviate  them 
altogether.  And  this  is  unmistakably  the  true  one  for  all  parties, 
and  will  generally  convert  the  evils  of  second  marriages  into  benefits. 
And,  what  is  most  important,  enable  the  family  to  live  all  together. 
Yet  better  scatter  than  quarrel. 

51.  MOURNING  FOR  THE  DEAD  AND  ABSENT. 

These  self-destructive  consequences  of  disturbed  affection  naturally 
call  up  that  form  of  these  evils  consequent  upon  grief  for  the  absent 
and  the  dead.  All  forms  of  retroverted  affection  do  similar  damage 
in  proportion  to  their  degree.  Hence,  mourning  for  the  dead  or 
absent  inflicts  on  a mourner  the  same  kind  of  evil  which  interrupted 
love  inflicts  on  its  victims.36  47  And  on  this  universal  principle,  that 
all  painful  action  of  all  functions  is  consequent  solely  on  their  wrong 
action,  which  always  and  necessarily  injures  the  suffering  organ. 
As  pain  in  the  eyes  necessarily  impairs  both  present  and  future  vision, 
in  the  stomach,  digestion,  nerves,  sentient  power,  etc.,  so  all  painful 
action  of  each  and  all  the  social  faculties  breaks  them  down . and  there- 
by forestalls  their  future  power  of  function.  Hence  all  painful  action 
of  all  our  functions  should  most  scrupulously  be  avoided,  both  because 
self-destructive,  and  also  consisting  in  the  abnormal  or  sinful  action 
of  the  pained  organs.  Of  course  all  painful  action  of  Adhesiveness, 
Amativeness,  Parental  Love,  and  Conjugality  should  be  prevented,  not 
encouraged.  But  mourning  consists  in  this  very  painful  action,  and 
is  therefore  both  wrong  per  se)  and  likewise  self-destructive  to  the 
suffering  faculties,  and  thereby  to  the  entire  system,  inflicting  upon 
it  those  self-same  evils  which  interrupted  love  inflicts  upon  conjugality. 
Since,  then,  by  their  fruits  ye  shall  know  them,57  and  since  the  fruits 
of  mourning  i:  are  evil,  and  only  evil57  to  the  living,  while  they  do  no 
manner  of  good  to  the  dead,  are  they  not  inherently  wrong,  because  so 
unmistakably  injurious  ? And  therefore  to  be  banished,  not  encour- 
aged ? Why  do  not  precisely  the  same  principles  govern  here,  just 
shown  to  govern  in  cases  of  ” broken  hearts,77  namely,  banishing  all 
painful  reminiscences,  and  seeking  diversion  ? If  not,  why  not  ? 

1.  And  what  is  this  grief  but  practical  rebellion  against  an  ordi- 
nance of  Nature,  and  what  many  consider  u a dispensation  of  Divine 
Providence?77  If  providential,  it  is  of  course  both  best,  and  God7s 


212 


PAIRING  A NATURAL  INSTITUTE. 


sovereign  will,  and  therefore  to  be  rejoiced  in,  not  mourned  over. 
Weeping  over  God^s  doing  is  the  very  worst  form  of  practical  rebel- 
lion thereat,  while  acquiescence  therein  naturally  causes  rejoicings. 
You,  then,  who  believe  death  to  be  providential,  as  obedient  children, 
are  the  very  last  to  mourn  over  what  your  u heavenly  Father’5  has 
seen  fit  to  do  for  you.  Really,  this  grief  is  indeed  filial  love  and  obe- 
dience u with  a vengeance 

2.  By  impairing  the  health,  grief  inflicts  irreparable  injury. 
We  will  not  now  descant  on  the  value  of  health.  Suffice  it  that  it  is 
the  summing  up  and  focal  center,  because  the  sole  instrumentality,  of 
all  valuation.  So  that,  whatever  injures  it,  saps  the  very  life  itself 
and  all  its  powers  and  enjoyments  at  their  very  heart,  and  is  by  any 
and  all  means,  and  in  any  and  all  events,  to  be  absolutely  avoided. 

Now  grieving  is  most  fatal  to  health,  because  it  injures  the  nervous 
system.  All  its  kinds,  whether  for  loss  of  property,  honor,  friends, 
children,  lovers,  happiness  * indeed  everything,  does  this.  And  by 
virtue  of  its  own  inherent  physiological  effects.  It  also  redoubles  this 
evil  by  inducing  cold — that  great,  direct  usher  of  most  diseases. 
Consumption,  however  hereditary,  lies  dormant  till  superinduced  by 
an  obstinate  cold,  and  can  be  kept  at  bay  just  as  long  as  colds  can  be 
avoided  or  subdued  immediately.  All  fevers,  and  nearly  all  diseases, 
eventuate  from  cold — a fact  assumed  here,  but  proved  elsewhere. 
Now  grief  necessarily  induces  cold,  by  naturally  withdrawing  circu- 
lation from  surface  to  center,  and  deranging  all  the  physical  func- 
tions, besides  diminishing  the  system’s  power  of  resistance.  Note 
when  and  where  you  will,  bad  news,  violent  passions,  sudden  dis- 
appointment in  love,  all  painful  mental  paroxysms,  are  followed  by 
severe  colds,  and  often  protracted  and  dangerous  sickness,  and  some- 
times death.  How  frequently  are  mourners  taken  down  sick  imme- 
diately on  returning  from  a funeral,  especially  when  they  give  way  to 
violent  grief,  and  often  die — the  death  of  one  thereby  causing  that  of 
several  intimates  ! Strange  that  a fact  so  common  should  not  have 
been  observed  and  traced  to  its  cause — grief.  Hence,  those  in  grief 
should  be  extra  careful  of  their  health.  Self-preservation  is  a first 
human  duty  as  well  as  instinct — none  as  imperious — which  grief  vio- 
lates by  inviting  disease  and  hastening  death,  and  is  therefore  suicidal 
and  unqualifiedly  wicked. 

3.  Grief  for  the  dead  wrongs  the  living.  Who  but  has  parents, 
children,  brothers,  sisters,  relations,  friends,  or  business  or  other  rela- 
tions to  their  fellow-men,  to  whom  their  life  is  a blessing,  and  their 
sickness  or  death  would  be  an  injury  they  have  no  right  to  inflict? 
All  are  inter-related  to  others  by  human  and  mutual  obligations  they 


MOURNING  FOR  THE  DEAD  AND  ABSENT. 


213 


have  no  business  to  ignore  or  sunder — the  same  in  kind,  though  less 
in  degree,  with  those  existing  between  different  members  of  the  same 
family.60  Hence  injuring  ourselves,  whether  by  grief  or  any  other 
means,  inflicts  palpable  injury  on  others.  Then  why  should  the  liv- 
ing injure  themselves  and  shorten  their  own  lives  because  the  dead 
have  shortened  theirs  ? Why  should  a widow  debilitate  and  frustrate 
all  her  powers  by  grief,  at  the  very  time  when  she  most  needs  all  her 
strength  and  self-possession  to  care  for  herself  and  children,  and  save 
her  property  from  those  harpies  who  now^  vulture-like,  hover  around 
the  estate  to  grasp  all  they  can  ? Does  not  this  grief  unnerve  and 
enfeeble  her  ? Yet  do  not  herself,  children,  estate,  and  increased  cares 
require  every  item  of  strength  she  can  command  ? 

A bereaved  mother,  too,  has  husband,  children,  relatives,  and  friends 
whose  creature  comforts  and  moral  culture  depend  much  on  her  life, 
and  whom  her  debility  or  death  would  injure  in  feelings,  morals, 
health,  and  ways  innumerable  ? Hence,  whatever  promotes  her  health 
and  life  is  to  them  a literal  god-send;  but  what  injures  them,  does 
them  the  greatest  possible  wrong.  And  this  is  measurably  true  of  rel- 
atives and  friends.  Now,  by  all  the  value  of  her  health  and  life  to 
her  family  and  friends — and  neither  dollars  nor  words  can  begin  to 
measure  it — is  her  grief  over  her  child7s  death  a curse  to  them,  and 
wicked  in  her.  What  business  has  she  to  interrupt  their  happiness  by 
indulging  her  own  grief? 

Or  it  may  be  that  even  her  own  hold  on  life  is  but  feeble,  and  needs 
strengthening  instead  of  weakening.  Too  nearly  dead  already,  she 
requires  to  become  more  attached  to  life,  not  weaned  therefrom.  Is  it 
not  as  virtual  suicide — that  worst  of  crimes  against  God  and  man — to 
voluntarily  hasten  death  by  grief  as  by  poison  ? The  crime  consists 
in  the  fact  of  hastening  death,  not  the  mode.  And  it  is  her  sacred, 
solemn  duty  to  avoid  it  by  eitherc  God  and  Nature  punish  mourning, 
and  thereby  pronounce  it  wrong.  And  let  those  whom  these  views 
shock,  show  wherein  they  are  erroneous. 

4.  u Yet,  too  apt  to  forget  our  latter  end,  shall  we  not,  in  the  death 
of  loved  ones,  learn  lessons  of  our  own  mortality,  and  seek  therein  to 
prepare  ourselves  also  for  another  and  a better  world?77 

But  would  hastening  our  death  by  poison  fit  us  for  heaven  ? Then 
will  hastening  it  by  grief?  Is  not  fulfilling  our  earthly  duties,  our 
best  preparation  for  heaven?  Are  this  world  and  the  next  antipodes? 
Is  not  that  but  the  continuation,  not  an  antithesis,  of  this  ? Did  not 
the  same  God  ordain  both  ? And  does  He  not  govern  both  by  the 
same  set  of  laws  and  requisitions?  Must  we  indeed  break  the  laws 
of  this  life,  in  order  to  fit  ourselves  for  the  life  to  come?  Instead, 


214 


PAIRING  A NATURL  INST1TUE. 


does  not  fulfilling  the  laws  of  this,  necessarily  promote  the  interests  of 
that?  And  also,  improving  this,  thereby  also  improve  that?  There- 
fore, grief,  by  injuring  us  for  this  life,  unfits , instead  of  fits,  us  for 
that.  What  reasoning  can  be  clearer  ? The  very  best  preparation 
for  a future  life  is  to  live  a perfect  present  one,  physiological  included, 
in  order  that  we  may  u be  gathered  in  like  a shock  of  corn  fully  ripe;” 
whereas,  whatever  plucks  us  prematurely  from  the  tree  of  this  life,  as 
grief  does,  thereby  ushers  us,  immatured  and  unprepared,  into  another. 

5.  u But  we  can  no  more  help  grieving,  than  smarting  from  the 
touch  of  fire.” 

Then  help  it  as  much  as  you  can.  Assuage,  not  aggravate,  grief. 
Besides,  know  you  not  that  ill  health,  especially  nervousness,  rein- 
creases grief?  And  that  grief,  by  redoubling  nervousness,  reaugments 
and  protracts  itself  ? Do  you  not  grieve  most  when  most  unwell,  and 
least  when  you  feel  best  ? Of  this  your  own  consciousness  is  a per- 
petual witness.  Then,  pray,  what  is  grief,  after  all,  but  a diseased  or 
inflamed , instead  of  normal,  function  ? And  to  be  assuaged  in  part  by 
hygienic  means  ? This  point  has  come  up  twice  before,48  but  can  not 
recur  too  often,  for  it  is  fundamentally  important. 

6.  This  reproves  the  usual  custom  of  remaining  at  home  a full 

year  after  the  death  of  a near  friend.  It  is  unqualifiedly  wrong. 

Besides  depriving  the  body  of  that  exercise  so  imperatively  necessary 
always,  and  doubly  in  bereavement,  it  begets  a dead,  dumb,  monoto- 
nous state,  even  more  fatal  to  health  than  grief  itself.  It  compels  the 
mind  to  pore  perpetually  over  its  loss  by  allowing  nothing  else  to  en- 
gross attention.  It  protracts  and  intensifies  a mother's  grief  for  a lost 
child,  by  keeping  its  clothes,  toys,  and  thereby  sayings  and  doings  per- 
petually before  her  mind,  thereby  redoubling  the  crushing  effects  of 
her  grief : whereas  diversion  is  what  she  requires48 — to  forget,  not 
remember — to  banish , not  revive,  those  painful  reminiscences.  Better 
pack  up  or  give  away  whatever  renews  her  grief,  and  go  abroad  all 
the  more , not  less.  Break  away  from  spot  and  scene  associated  whth 
its  memory  ; take  a journey — anything  to  rack  off  the  mind.  Reading, 
conversation,  amusements — whatever  will  divert,  will  help  save,  and 
anything  to  save  herself 

7.  Funerals  are  wrongly  conducted.  Their  management  is 
directly  calculated  to  ruin  the  constitutions  of  the  living,  without 
doing  the  least  good  to  the  living  or  dead.  They  generally  increase 
grief,  whereas  they  should  try  to  assuage  it.  They  condole  too  much. 
For  nothing  crushes  a sinking  spirit  as  much  as  pity.  They  should 
fortify , not  soften,  and  dwell  more  on  the  biography  and  characteristics 
of  the  dead,  than  the  horrors  of  death  itself.  Reason,  the  best  good 


MOURNING  FOR  THE  DEAD  AND  ABSENT. 


215 


of  survivors,  everything,  requires  that  they  brace,  not  melt  • that 
they  should  extract  lessons  of  health  to  the  living,  by  pointing  out  the 
causes  of  this  premature  death,  rather  than  make  it  the  great  bug- 
bear with  which  to  frighten  the  living  toward  heaven.  Does  fear  of 
death  either  fit  for  this  life  or  prepare  for  the  next?  Is  it  not  consti- 
tutionally injurious  to  both  mind  and  body? 

8.  Besides,  making  death  a hideous  monster  both  arraigns  the  wis- 
dom and  goodness  of  God,  and  belies  facts.  Not  only  is  it  no  curse, 
but,  next  to  life  itself,  one  of  God’s  greatest ' blessings.  Nor  does  it 
ever  transpire  until  the  physical  organism  is  so  far  diseased,  muti- 
lated, or  wrorn  out,  that  continued  life  would  only  cause  more  suffer- 
ing than  happiness.  So  that,  come  wrhen  it  may,  in  darling  infancy, 
promising  youth,  mature  manhood,  or  decrepit  old  age,  it  comes 
always,  and  in  the  very  nature  of  things,  as  a blessing.  Suppose  no 
death,  what  untold  agonies  should  we  induce  during  the  lapse  of  ages, 
by  breaking  Nature’s  laws,  from  which  death  now  kindly  delivers  us  ! 
Though  we  ought  to  regret  those  violations  of  the  physical  laws 
wrhich  hasten  it  prematurely,  and  learn  therein  how  to  avoid  shorten- 
ing our  own  life,  yet  wre  should  rejoice  in  the  death  itself.  In  case 
•some  terrible  accident  had  shockingly  mutilated  a companion,  child, 
or  friend,  and  especially  ourselves— dashed  out  brains,  broken  limbs, 
torn  out  eyes,  heart,  lungs,  etc. — should  we  not  rejoice  that  death 
comes  to  relieve  this  protracted  agony,  and  pronounce  death,  as  next 
to  life,  one  of  Nature’s  greatest  blessings,  instead  of  curses?  Nowa^ 
premature  death  is  consequent  only  on  a like  organic  impairment,  pre- 
cisely the  same  in  kind,  and  differing  only  in  degree.  Then  let  the 
dead  be  buried,  and  remembered  pleasurably,  or  else  forgotten.  Nil 
morlui  nisi  bonum — speak  only  good  of  the  dead. 

David  pursued  a sensible  course  on  the  death  of  his  darling  child. 
As  long  as  life  and  hope  lingered,  he  did  all  in  his  power  to  save  it. 
But,  once  dead,  instead  of  bursting  forth  in  an  agony  of  grief,  he 
arose,  washed,  laid  aside  his  sackcloth  and  ashes,  ordered  and  partook 
of  food,  and  said,  practically,  My  darling  is  dead,  but  can  not  be 
recalled.  Then  w^hy  weep  ? Let  its  death' be  among  bygones,  and 
let  me  prepare  to  go  to  it ; but  meanwhile  dry  up  my  tears,  and  again 
give  myself  to  the  cares  of  the  state.” 

9.  It  remains  to  add,  that  when  life  has  its  perfect  work,  it  merges 
gradually  into  death,  but  only  after  all  the  organs  are  fairly  worn 
out.  Neither  violent  death,  nor  one  transpiring  anywhere  clear  along 
up  to  old  age,  forms  any  primal  part  of  Nature’s  economies.  All  such 
are  consequent  only  on  the  infringement  of  health  laws,  which  it  is 
our  sacred  duty  to  avert,  by  living  right  physiological  lives.  Natural 


216 


PAIRING  A NATURAL  INSTITUTE. 


death  is  always  welcome  to  subject  and  relatives.  Then,  indeed,  can 
we  bury  our  aged  parents  without  one  tear  of  sorrow.  Feeling  that 
they  have  lived  out  the  full  measure  of  their  days,  finished  their  work, 
and  died  in  peace,  as  the  lamp  goes  out  for  the  want  of  sustenance, 
we  can  bury  them,  and  think  of  them  in  memory  of  their  good  deeds 
and  virtues,  conscious  that,  with  renewed  lives  and  reincreased  pow- 
ers and  virtues,  they  await  our  coming,  when  we  also  shall  have  fully 
lived  out  the  natural  measure  of  our  own  days.  Such  lives  let  us 
live,  that  such  deaths  we  also  may  die. 

10.  Mourning  apparel  is  all  wrong  throughout.  First,  because  if 
it  reincreases  our  sorrow  it  is  injurious;  if  not.  unnecessary.  Sec- 
ondly, because  expensive,  and  often  a heavy  tax  on  the  poor  they 
can  not  really  afford,  besides  greatly  increasing  the  bustle  and  confu- 
sion incident  to  funerals.  Thirdly,  by  proclaiming  our  loss  and 
awakening  sadness  in  others,  it  does  them  also  harm.  Then  let  it  be 
abolished.  Yet  dressing  graves  with  flowers  is  an  appropriate  offer- 
ing to  their  memories. 

11.  The  sick  room  should  never  be  entered  in  a sad,  solemn,  eon- 
dolent,  pitying  mood,  because  this  presupposes  that  some  dire  calamity 
impends  them,  which  both  awakens  their  fears  for  the  worst,  and 
weakens  that  will- power  ti  resist  disease  and  death  which,  after  all, 
is  their  great  restorative.17  Instead,  manifest  a lively  spirit  by  a 
cheerful,  encouraging  aspect,  which  is  calculated  to  buoy  up  their 
drooping  spirits  and  quicken  their  circulation.  Talk  and  laugh,  in- 
stead of  sigh.  And,  if  possible,  make  them  also  laugh;  for  nothing 
equals  mirth  as  a panacea  for  all  diseases. 

And  now,  intelligent  reader,  in  closing  off  u Part  One,77  or,  ” Love, 
its  Nature,  Effects,  and  Supreme  Power  Over  Human  Life  and  Des- 
tiny, and  its  Right  and  Wrong  Action,*7  we  putfthis  home  question — 
Have  we  made  that  thorough , scientific  work  promised  in  our  Preface  ? 
Have  we  not  in  very  deed  gone  to  the  very  rootlets  of  this  whole  mat- 
ter, and  based  every  position  in  Nature1  s immutable  laws  ? What  one 
error  have  we  propagated  ? What  one  cardinal  truth  omitted  ? 
Have  we  not  given  a reason  for  every  single  thing  said  ? And  is  not 
every  sentence  calculated  to  make  its  practitioners  belter  and  happier 
in  their  affectional  relations  ? 

Then  look  forward  with  additional  hope  to  Part  II.  Since  com- 
pleteness of  love  is  infinitely  important,  a right  object  becomes  equally 
so,  because  essential  thereto.  Though  one  may  love  a poor  object 
well,  yet  a good  one  how  much  better  ! Indeed,  by  all  the  variegated 
importance  of  a perfect  love,  is  the  importance  of  a right  selection. 
To  this  subject,  therefore,  we  next  address  ourselves. 


PART  II. -SELECTION 


SECTION  V. 

THE  DECISION,  AND  ITS  ARBITERS ; OR,  RELATIVE  AND  ABSO- 
LUTE RIGHTS  OF  PARENTS,  CHILDREN,  AND  RELATIVES,  IN 

THEIR  OWN,  AND  EACH  OTHERS’,  MATRIMONIAL  CHOICE. 

52.  IMPORTANCE  OF  A RIGHT  SELECTION. 

You  and  I,  oh,  human  being,  while  passing  through  life,  have 
been,  will  be,  required  to  make  many  and  important  selections  be- 
tween right  ways  and  wrong  ones,  good  ways  and  bad  ones — paths 
which  lead  to  and  from  happiness  and  misery,  honor  and  shame, 
virtue  and  vice,  and  their  consequences.  Yet  of  all  the  decisions  we 
can  ever  be  called  upon  to  make,  from  our  cradles  to  our  graves,  that 
respecting  conjugal  companionship  is  the  very  most  practically  import- 
ant, because  the  most  eventful  for  prosperity  or  adversity,  weal  or 
woe,  virtue  or  vice,  in  this  world  and  the  next.  By  all  the  diversified 
consequences  already  shown  to  appertain  to  a right  and  a wrong 
state  of  love,  by  the  very  heart’s  core  of  life  itself,  and  all  its  inter- 
ests, is  it  important  that  we  choose  wisely — select  just  the  very  best 
possible  object  of  that  love.  Right  absolutely,  or  as  regards  general 
character,  right  relatively,  or  as  regards  special  adaptation  to  our 
own  selves. 

In  choosing  acquaintances,  even,  one  must  needs  be  judicious,  because 
their  influence,  though  silent,  is  perpetual,  and,  in  the  aggregate, 
eventful.  More  so  in  the  choice  of  business  partners.  More  yet  of 
intimate  friends,  as  well  as  doctrines,  and  general  course  of  life,  for 
each  and  all  tell  on  our  entire  future.  All  consequences  are  so  great, 
so  far  reaching,  that  to  measure  them  is  impossible. 

But  what  eventualities  at  all  compare  with  those  consequent  on 
our  conjugal  selection  ? Are  the  consequences  of  other  decisions 
perpetual,  and  do  not  these  reach  down  even  to  the  very  minutest 


220 


THE  DECISION,  AND  ITS  ARBITERS. 


capillary  affairs  of  life?  Do  other  acts  affect  our  pecuniary  interests, 
and  does  not  this  the  most  of  all? 

Do  you,  young  man,  intend,  by  industry  and  frugality,  to  lay  the 
foundation  for  future  comfort  and  luxury  ? What  will  help  or  hinder 
your  becoming  rich  equally  with  your  wife  ? She  extravagant,  your 
utmost  efforts  and  sacrifices  will  avail  little.19  By  hook  or  crook, 
by  persuasion  or  intimidation,  she  will  worm  dollars  out  of  you  as 
fast  as  you  can  obtain  them — will  even,  by  stealing  the  very  nest-egg, 
forestall  all  future  operations.  Or  if,  in  sheer  self-defense,  you  abso- 
lutely interdict  her  extravagance  by  allowing  just  so  much,  but  no 
more,  you  thereby  only  increase  your  difficulty.  Her  indignant  lady- 
ship takes  perpetual  revenge  by  thwarting  you  at  every  turn  and 
corner  of  all  the  little  affairs  of  life.  In  one  way  or  another  she  will 
throw  out  with  the  spoon  as  fast  you  can  throw  in  with  the  shovel. 
Indeed,  unless  you  are  already  so  rich  that  you  can  surfeit  all  her 
whims,  regardless  of  thousands,  your  struggles  will  prove  well-nigh 
abortive.  Be  your  income  what  it  may,  your  efforts  however  heroic 
and  continuous,  and  plans  however  well  laid  and  executed,  if  she 
works  against  your  pecuniary  interests,  you  may  about  as  well  give  up 
first  as  last ; whereas,  if  she  works  for  them— saves  while  and  what 
you  make,  spends  every  dime  to  the  very  best  advantage,  and  as  few 
dollars  as  possible,  and  helps  you  both  plan  and  execute — your  success 
is  well-nigh  certain,  unless  thwarted  by  some  marked  weakness  in 
one  or  both.  And  her  influence  to  encourage,  and  discourage,  is  indeed 
wonderful.16  19  23  25 

Is  honor  your  goal,  she  is  almost  as  important  in  this  life-race, 
as  yourself.  If  her  comportment  sheds  honor  on  you,  and  builds 
you  up  in  the  estimation  of  others,  you  will  be  honored  beyond  your 
deserts.  But  if  she  continually  says  and  does  those  trifling  things 
which  give  rise  to  petty  jokes  or  scandal  at  your  expense,  you  row 
against  wind  and  tide.  Of  this  Sylvester  Graham  furnished  a noted 
example.  The  world  knows,  for  he  told  it  everywhere,  that  he  and 
his  wife  quarreled.  But  for  that  he  would  now  have  been  honored, 
instead  of  neglected.  He  had  two  faults — vanity  and  pugnacity, 
which  conjugal  contention  aggravated,  and  thereby  turned  even  his 
friends  against  him;  but  which  conjugal  affection  would  have 
softened  down,  and  thus  allowed  his  talents  to  shine  uneclipsed. 
How  much  a man  is  honored  abroad,  depends  mainly  on  whether  he  is 
honored  at  home.  While  the  core  remains  sound,  the  tree  rarely 
ever  rots.  But  when  its  heart  decays,  the  soundness  of  the  rest  is  of 
little  account.  It  matters  the  world  to  a man  whether  his  wife  is 
continually  building  him  up  in  his  own  estimation  by  praise,  or 


IMPORTANCE  OF  A RIGHT  SELECTION. 


221 


breaking  him  down  and  causing  self-distrust  by  constant  disparage- 
ment— yet  her  affectionate  judicious  criticism  is  even  more  self-im- 
proving than  her  praise.  Fortuitous  circumstances  may  indeed  give 
a man  accidental  position,  even  though  clogged  with  a poor  wife,  yet 
it  will  prove  temporary.  Hence  if  honor  is  your  life-goal,  select  one 
who  will  be  your  true  help-meet  in  its  acquisition  and  perpetuity. 

Is  goodness  or  moral  elevation  your  great  life-motive  ; though  you 
are  a saint,  yet  if  you  marry  one  who  is  perpetually  souring  your 
temper,  embittering  your  feelings,  upbraiding  and  wounding  your 
conscientious  scruples,  or  enticing,  almost  compelling  you  to  do 
WTong,  it  will  require  angel-goodness  to  even  keep  you  good,  much 
more  to  become  so.  Not  that  it  is  impossible,  but  so  very  difficult, 
that  you  had  better  avoid  the  trial.  But  if  a good,  patient,  conscien- 
tious wife  is  perpetually  enticing  you  from  evil  to  good — is  to-day 
inspiring  in  you  this  virtue,  to-morrow  obviating  that  fault,  why,  a 
very  Satan  could  almost  become  a virtual  saint. 

Or  aspire  you  to  intellectual  attainment,  in  any  art,  science,  or  dis- 
covery, a help-meet  wife  is  even  a necessity.40  If  she  reads  while  you 
listen  or  take  notes — if,  when  some  new  idea  flits  dimly  across  your 
hazy  mental  horizon,  like  some  distant  island  imbedded  in  the  misty 
ocean,  she  applies  her  quick,  clear  optics — it  at  once  assumes  a bold, 
tangible  reality.  And  her  suggestions  are  invaluable  by  way  of  fill- 
ing up  and  illustrating  your  outline  thoughts.  If  she  criticises  while 
you  write,  lops  off  here,  and  adds  there,  and  inspires  everywhere, 
how  much  better  your  joint  productions,  than  your  own  merely  ! But  if 
she  scolds  while  you  eat,  write,  and  sleep,  or  crosses  you  when  going 
to  or  from  study  or  business,  you  may  indeed  think,  write,  trade,  or 
do  what  you  please,  but  it  will  be  almost  in  vain. 

Or  is  a comfortable  home  and  a happy,  quiet  fireside,  with  loving 
children  around  you,  your  life’s  summum  bonum ; despair  utterly,  if  she 
loves  fashion,  parties,  or  amusements  more  than  domestic  enjoyment, 
or  if,  cross-grained  herself,  she  sours  your  own  temper,  and  that  of 
your  children,  both  hereditary,  and  practically,  and  renders  home  a 
bedlam.  Yet  an  amiable  wife  will  make  a hovel  a paradise,  and  a 
comfortable  domicil  a heaven  indeed  ! Words  utterly  fail  to  depict 
the  difference  between  different  women  in  this  particular.  This  one 
has  so  many  little,  charming,  loving  ways  and  qualities,  but  the 
other  so  many  repellant  and  ugly  ones.  Even  when  both  mean 
right  and  do  their  best,  the  difference  is  world-wide. 

That  the  highest  attainable  self-improvement  is  life’s  paramount  duty 
and  glory  is  a first  human  consciousness,  and  that  woman  alone  can 
evolve  masculine  excellences,  and  man  feminine,  underlies  our  whole 


222 


THE  DECISION,  AND  ITS  ARBITERS. 


subject.  Please  duly  weigh  the  depth,  breadth,  and  scope  of  this  prin- 
ciple. Then,  oh,  young  man,  just  launching  out  upon  the  great  sea 
of  human  life  and  destiny,  anxious  to  make  the  most  possible  out  of 
yourself,  consider  well  under  what  female  influence  you  place  your- 
self. Unloving  and  unloved,  you  incur  all  the  evils  of  old-bachelor- 
ism, even  though  married.40  Most  female  influence  outside  of 
wedlock  is  objectionable.  It  should  legitimately  come  mainly  from 
a wife.  Now,  it  matterg  a world  whether  you  place  yourself  under 
the  molding  influence  of  this  woman,  or  of  that,  for  one  can  make  of 
you,  and  inspire  you  to  make  of  yourself  every  way  more  a man 
than  another.  Some  have  a peculiar  knack’7  of  rousing,  inspiring, 
inspiriting,  and  bringing  out  whatever  characteristics  and  capacities  a 
man  possesses.  This  is  exemplified,  though  only  in  a lower  degree,  in 
conversation  with  different  females.  With  this  one  you  can  talk  on,  on, 
on,  as  if  ideas  and  feelings  flowed  spontaneously—as  if  she  held  over 
you  an  enchanting  wrand  to  raise  you  above  yourself,  so  that  you  won- 
der how  you  could  converse  thus  brilliantly.  Yet  while  conversing 
with  another,  you  fall  proportionately  below  yourself.  Who  but  ex- 
periences this  difference  and  its  magnitude?  Then  apply  it  to  all  you 
do,  say,  and  are  through  life,  and  you  have  a glimpse  only  of  that 
silent  but  resistless  force  of  the  respective  influence  of  different 
wives.  Few  realize  even  the  fact,  much  less  the  extent,  of  this  in- 
fluence. Yet  fully  to  appreciate  it,  is  impossible.  Reader,  you  must 
have  seen  many  a young  man,  under  the  general  inspiring  influence  of 
the  sex  over  him,  that  is,  in  view  of  a perspective  marriage,  rising 
gradually  but  steadily  in  public  estimation,  respected,  prosperous,  in- 
telligent, and  worthy,  by  marrying  an  inferior  wife,  gradually  sink 
in  property,  position,  and  character,  till  he  becomes  almost  unobserv- 
ed— barely  head  enough  remaining  above  wTater  to  prevent  actual 
drowning,  till,  at  length,  fortunately,  she  dies  ) when,  marrying  a 
superior  woman,  she  builds  him  up  little  by  little,  and  gives  him  an 
air  of  respectability,  so  that  he  becomes  prosperous  in  business,  and 
elevated  to  office,  and  regains  position  and  confidence — all  conse- 
quent upon  the  silent  but  portentous  influences  these  different  wives 
exert  over  him.  Attest  ye  who  have  had  two  or  more  wives.  Yet 
even  you  do  not,  can  not,  fully  imagine  or  appreciate  this  differ- 
ence. A law  of  mind  obliges  us  to  become  like  those  with  whom  we 
associate.  And  doubly  alike  those  with  whom  we  affiliate.  As 
u evil  communications  corrupt  good  manners,”  and  good  communica- 
tions mend  even  bad  ones,  so  many  men,  now  respectable,  are  so 
mainly  by  virtue  of  the  influence  a good  wife  exerts  over  them — she 
elevating  them  above  the  temptations  of  deoraved  animality.  Cate- 


IMPORTANCE  OF  A RIGHT  SELECTION. 


223 


chise  your  own  soul,  let  your  own  conscience  decide,  how  much  of 
the  good  in  your  life  is  virtually  due  to  the  purifying  influence  of 
some  good  woman  you  do  or  have  loved,  and  been  beloved  by,  still 
wields  over  you,  and  whose  sacred  memory  even  now  restrains 
you  from  evil,  and  persuades  you  to  good.  In  short,  in  a thousand 
numberless  ways,  and  to  an  extent  ramified  almost  inimitably,  does  a 
wife  make  or  break  her  husband,  physically,  pecuniarily,  intellectu- 
ally, morally,  in  short,  throughout  the  entire  man. 

But,  is  the  molding  influence  of  wife  over  hasband  thus  potential, 
and  is  not  that  of  husband  over  wife  even  more  so  ? If  all  this  is 
true  of  man,  how  much  more  of  woman  ? Does  not  her  marriage 
affect  her  more  than  his  him?  Has  he  high  hopes  and  aspirations, 
and  has  not  she  higher?  Are  her  visions  of  the  future  less  ecstatic 
than  his  ? Are  her  air-castles  less  fairy  ? Are  they  not  generally 
more  so?  Can  he  not  render  her  more  happy,  or  else  more  miserable, 
in  the  family,  than  she  him?  For  is  she  not  far  more  susceptible  to 
pleasure,  and  especially  domestic,  than  he  ? Do  his  life-hopes  and 
success  depend  so  much  on  her  character,  and  do  not  hers  still  more 
on  his  ? If  his  pleasures  are  more  diversified  than  hers,  are  not  hers 
more  concentrated  in  marriage  than  his?  It  is  possible  for  him  to 
pick  up  fragmentary  happiness  outside  of  marriage,  for  her  only 
within  it.  Despite  disappointment  in  love,  he  may  render  life  pass- 
able, by  enjoying  this,  that,  the  other  pleasure,  yet  left  open  to  him — - 
business,  politics,  the  club-room,  etc.,  etc., — -but,  her  marital  cup  filled 
with  gall,  what  remains  but  for  her  to  sip,  and  sip  on  her  bitter 
draught  the  rest  of  her  lonely,  wretched  life,  and  court  grim  death  for 
relief!  Is  love  so  much  to  him,  and  is  it  not  still  more  to  her? 
Even  her  very  all  ? Is  a good  wife  his  greatest  blessing,  and  is  not 
a good  husband  her  greater  ? Is  her  extravagance  so  ruinous  to  him, 
and  is  not  his  more  so  to  her  ? But  is  her  industry  so  great  a boon  to 
him,  and  is  his  not  a greater  to  her  ? Is  her  power  so  great  over  him 
to  develop  or  becloud  whatever  natural  excellences  he  may  possess, 
and  is  not  his  over  her  as  much  greater,  as  she  is  more  an  angel  of 
love,  than  he  ? Love  is  the  only  key  which  locks  or  unlocks  the 
treasures — and  no  earthly  treasures  are  equally  rich  or  abundant — of 
female  character.  No  woman  ever  can  be  developed  except  by  the 
man  she  loves,  and  who  loves  her.  Nor  is  there  any  telling  how 
deep,  how  rich,  these  feminine  store-houses,  now  practically  unde- 
veloped in  consequence  of  the  stifling  of  her  love.  Is  a fault  in  her 
so  obnoxious  to  him,  and  is  not  one  in  him  far  more  so  to  her?  Is 
her  perfection  so  infinitely  important  to  him,  and  is  not  his  as  much 
more  so  to  her,  as  her  love  does  and  should  exceed  his  ? In  propor- 


224 


THE  DECISION.  AND  ITS  ARBITERS. 


tion  as  woman’s  love  is  stronger  than  man’s,  are  her  happiness  and 
destinies  more  interwoven  with  her  domestic  affections  than  his,  and 
her  right  and  wrong  marriage  more  eventful  for  her  happiness  or 
misery,  than  his.  And  irrevocable.  Young  woman,  it  is  not  any  hus- 
band that  yon  require,  as  much  as  a good  one.  Though  perhaps  bet- 
ter a poor  half-loaf  than  no  bread,  yet  how  much  better  a good  whole 
one?  And  to  select  the  very  best  out  of  all  you  can  command  is 
almost  as  important  as  your  very  life  itself ! 

The  fact  is,  wherever  true  conjugal  oneness  exists,  the  molding 
power  of  each  over  the  other  is  illimitable.  By  all  the  power  love 
has  already  been  shown  to  wield  over  human  life  and  destiny,  Sec-  n* 
is  the  building-up  and  breaking-down  power  of  husband  over  wife, 
and  wife  over  husband.  As  the  blood  ramifies  itself  throughout  every 
artery  and  fiber  of  the  entire  system,  to  invigorate  or  disease,  accord- 
ing as  it  is  vigorous  or  diseased,  so  marriage  enters  into  all  the  mi- 
nutest ramifications  of  life,  improving  or  corrupting  all  the  physical, 
all  the  mental  functions,  according  as  it  is  right  or  wrong. 

And  yet,  of  all  the  faults  giddy  youth  commits — and  they  are  many 
and  grave — none  at  all  compare  with  those  perpetrated  in  choosing 
husbands  and  wives.  How  often  do  young  men,  smart  enough  in 
business  to  peer  far  above  their  fellows,  or  gifted  enough  intellectually 
to  shine  in  college,  in  pulpit,  in  editorial  chair,  in  politics,  at  bar,  on 
bench,  make  utterly  foolish  conjugal  selections.  Overlooking  young 
women  endowed  with  superb  conjugal  qualities,  they  select  some  poor 
thing  because  of  some  little  fancy  touches  utterly  insignificant  in 
themselves,  and  unworthy  of  him  or  her,  perhaps,  even  faults  * when 
they  might  just  as  well  obtain  the  very  best  ; while  others,  only  com- 
mon-place in  business,  nor  at  all  brilliant  intellectually,  yet  know 
enough  to  select  excellent  conjugal  partners?  Then,  is  not  the  latter 
superior  ? 

Often  girls,  too,  proffered  hands  and  hearts  in  overflowing  abun- 
dance, fall  blindly  in  love  with  the  poorest,  and  ascertain  their  error 
only  when  it  is  past  all  remedy.  They  have  fairly  thrown  themselves 
away!  Awful!  Worse!  Have  chained  themselves  to  a putrefying 
carcass,  rendering  themselves  inexpressibly  miserable,  whereas,  they 
might  just  as  well  have  been  inexpressibly  happy,  for  life  ! 

Others  select  those  well  adapted  to  another,  yet  not  at  all  to  them- 
selves. Doctor  Johnson,  the  physiologist,  has  said,  “Put  the  names 
of  men  in  one  urn,  and  women  in  another,  and  drawing  at  random 
from  each,  pair  them  as  you  draw,  and  they  will  be  quite  as  well 
adapted  to  each  other  as  now.”  Not  to  dissatify  any  with  their 
choice,  yet  could  you  not  have  chosen  better  ? How  little,  if  any 


IMPORTANCE  OF  A RIGHT  SELECTION. 


225 


oneness  exists  between  you ! How  many  points  of  unfitness  now 
perfectly  palpable,  were  then  wholly  overlooked  ! 

Nor  is  it  any  trifle  to  be  obliged  everywhere,  as  every  husband 
must,  wherever  his  wife  accompanies  him,  to  proclaim,  u This  is  the 
very  best  I could  obtain — is  my  beau-ideal  of  all  those  within  my 
reach.”  And  then  to  be  ashamed  of  her,  is  indeed  humiliating  ! 
Wives,  too,  practically  proclaim,  whenever  they  appear  with  their 
husbands,  u This  was  my  choice  out  of  all  the  men  I was  able  to  win.” 
Then  how  doubly  mortifying  to  her,  if  he  proves  incompetent  or  de- 
praved, because  this  evinces  either  her  want  of  sense  to  choose,  or 
ability  to  obtain. 

But  words  utterly  fail  to  describe  the  practical  importance  of  a 
right  selection — either  how  great,  how  diversified,  how  almost  infinite 
the  blessings  consequent  on  a right  selection,  or  the  untold  miseries  on 
a wrong  ! Only  on  the  farthest  verge  of  a long  life  of  experience  is 
it  possible  for  either  to  measure  the  eventualities  of  this  choice ! As 
only  those  who  are  perfectly  healthy — their  warm  blood  bounding 
throughout  large  hearts  and  arteries,  carrying  ecstasy  to  every  organ 
and  fiber  of  their  bodies,  and  imparting  a thrill  of  rapture  to  their 
every  mental  operation,  can  ever  realize  how  much  they  enjoy  at  the 
hands  of  this  health ; as  those  who  suffer  from  perpetual  weakness 
and  aches,  by  becoming  accustomed  thereto,  little  realize  how  much 
they  really  do  suffer;  nor  how  much  enjoyment  their  disease  prevents, 
yet  the  real  difference  is  quite  as  great  as  if  correctly  estimated ; as 
drinking,  smoking,  chewing,  and  other  bad  habits,  render  their  victims 
insensible  to  their  deadly  effects,  yet  this  very  insensibility  only  rein- 
creasing the  evil,  yet  this  no  way  diminishes  their  power — so,  verily, 
li  marriage  is  indeed  life’s  casting  die.  No  event  from  birth  to  death 
equally  affects  human  weal  or  woe.” 

Be  duly  impressed,  then,  oh,  young  man,  that  the  difference  is  heaven- 
wide and  life-long  between  taking  this  partner  or  that,  right  home  to 
your  bosom,  to  love  and  live  with,  u for  better  or  for  worse.”  If  you 
love,  this  molding  power  is  irresistible  and  perpetual  ; if  not , paralytic. 
Then  trifle  anywhere  else  if  you  will,  but  laugh  not,  trifle  not,  flirt  not 
on  the  verge  of  consequences  thus  eventful.  You  can  not  afford  it.  For 
you  have  too  much  at  stake.  Be  wise  here,  however  foolish  elsewhere. 

Not  that  these  momentous  eventualities  should  discourage  or  deter 
any  from  making  this  selection,38  40  but  that  all  should  make  it  as 
serious  as  it  is  potential.  Indeed,  the  boundless  good  consequent  on  a 
right  selection  should  encourage,  much  more  than  the  dire  results  of 
bad  discourage;  because  all  selections,  guided  by  right  principles,  can, 
and  will,  eventuate  happily. 


226 


THE  DECISION,  AND  ITS  ARBITERS. 


53.  RIGHTS  OF  PARENTS,  CHILDREN,  AND  RELATIVES  RESPECTING 
THEIR  OWN  AND  EACH  OTHER’S  SELECTIONS. 

That  parents  have  rights  and  owe  duties  respecting  the  matrimonial 
selections  of  their  children,  and  children  parents,  and  relatives  each 
other,  is  obvious.  So  deeply  does  this  choice  affect  the  happiness  of 
each  other — that  of  parents  their  children,  and  children  their  parents, 
and  relatives  each  other — that  all  have  rights  and  owe  duties  to  each 
other  touching  their  selection.  And  this  gives  all  a mutual  voice  in 
that  of  all.  By  all  the  effect  it  has,  can  have,  on  me,  whether  my 
child  marries  this  one  or  that,  have  I a parental  voice  thereon,  and 
does  this  child  owe  me  a duty  to  consult  and  consider  my  wishes. 
Is  it  either  right  or  filial  for  a child  to  do  what  goes  to  the  very  core 
of  a parent’s  life-long  happiness  without  conferring  with  that  parent? 
In  a perfect  parental  and  filial  state,  children  often  require  to,  and 
should  consult  parents,  even  in  minor  matters.  Then  how  much 
more  in  those  as  infinitely  important  as  their  marital  selections  ! 
Have  truly  filial  children  any  moral  right  to  impose  on  parents  a 
really  obnoxious  son  or  daughter-in-law  ? Or  will  they  ? Let  the 
highest  human  sentiments  answer.  Indeed,  does  not  the  mere  custom 
of  asking  consent  presuppose  the  right  of  refusal  ? Is  it  not  pre- 
sumptuous, actually  impertinent,  for  a young  man  to  court  and  marry 
a girl  without  saying  to  her  parents,  11  may  it  please  you?” 

But,  again,  have  parents  any  rightful  authority  to  impose  upon 
children  obnoxious  life-partners,  and  compel  them  both  to  live,  and  to 
originate  life,  with  those  abhorred  ? 

Yet  have  children  any  or  no  voiee  in  the  second  marriage  of  their 
parents?  No  choice  as  to  step-mother  or  father? 

And  have  relatives  any  or  no  legitimate  voice  in  each  other’s 
marriage  ? 

But,  in  case  these  several  rights  clash,  whose  shall  rule  ? And 
whose,  under  what  circumstances  ? 

Grave  questions  these.  Worthy  a judicious  answer.  Like  that  of 
a clear-headed  judge,  who,  after  scanning  all  points  thoroughly,  pro- 
nounces an  impartial  opinion,  which  shall  bear  scrutiny,  and  deserve 
universal  adoption.  And  all  good  parents,  and  children,  and  true 
hearted  relatives  and  friends  will  eagerly  ask,  What  is  my  duty  under- 
given  circumstances?  And  then  do  it.  Please,  one  and  all,  scan 
attentively  both  the  conclusions  here  arrived  at,  and  especially  the 
basis  in  which  they  are  grounded. 

A doting  parental  pair  have  given  being  to  a very  dear  daughter, 
wept  over  her  tender  infancy,  nursed  in  sickness,  fed,  clothed, 
;ducated,  baptized,  prayed  over,  loved,  and  done  for,  as  only  fond 


EIGHTS  OF  PARENTS,  CHILDREN,  AND  RELATIVES. 


227 


parents  can  love  or  do.  She  becomes  old  enough  to  marry.39  Of 
course,  they  feel  the  utmost  solicitude,  such  as  only  parents  can  ex- 
perience, in  her  future.  Her  destinies  center  in  her  husband.  And 
theirs  in  hers.  She  has  two  lovers.  One  is  suitable.  Yet  the 
other,  by  wily  arts  has,  serpent-like,  coiled  himself  around  her  very 
hearts-strings  preparatory  to  draining  out  her  life’s  blood,  and  squan- 
dering that  well-earned  patrimony  a life  of  parental  toil  and  industry 
have  treasured  up  to  promote  her  happiness.  Then  have  they  no 
right  to  express  their  preference,  and  its  reason  ? They  have.  Then 
is  she  under  no  filial  obligations  to  hear  and  heed?  Is  she  not  1 The 
love  they  bear  her,  their  life-toil  for  her,  and  prospective  effects  this 
one  or  that  would  have  on  their  happiness,  through  her,  confer  this 
right  on  them,  and  impose  that  obligation  on  her.  And  she  who 
turns  a deaf  ear  to  their  counsels  and  blindly  follows  her  own  will, 
too  often  learns,  when  too  late,  the  folly,  even  madness,  of  spurning 
parental  counsel.  How  many  direful  results  of  such  unfilial  conduct 
stare  beholders  everywhere  in  the  face  ! Be  it  that  your  parents  are 
even  inferior,  at  least  ask,  and  duly  consider  their  advice.  Much 
more  if  they  love  you,  and  are  intelligent.  These  two  things  stand 
right  out  on  the  very  face  of  this  question — first,  that  they  love  you. 
Else,  they  are  virtual  strangers,  in  which  case  you  are  under  no 
moral  obligation  to  ask  or  follow  their  counsels  ‘ whereas,  the  more 
they  love  you,  and  are  interested  in  your  welfare,  should  you  seek  and 
listen  to  their  advice.  For  parental  affection  seeks  only  the  good  of 
its  object. 

Secondly*  they  have  had  more  experience  than  you,  while  you 
have  yet  to  c:  live  and  learn.”  These  two  conditions  give  their  ad- 
vice precedence. 

Judicious  youth,  remember  that  ::  in  a multitude  of  counsels  there 
is  safety.”  Hence  ask  advice  of  comrades,  more  of  elders,  most  of 
parents.  All,  even  those  most  matured,  need  counsel  on  various  sub- 
jects. Much  more,  those  who  are  young.  And  doubly  so  in  matters 
of  marriage.  The  parties  themselves  often  take  one-sided  views  ; 
while  judicious  outsiders  scrutinize  all  points  impartially,  inspecting 
it  from  stand-points  the  parties  themselves  have  never  taken.  But 
parents  most  of  all.  And  if  children  ever  require  parental  counsel 
it  is  respecting  their  marriage. 

Each  sex,  also,  needs  the  counsel  of  the  opposite.  Daughters  re- 
quire a father’s  advice,  and  sons,  that  of  their  mothers.12  And  when- 
ever a true  parental  and  filial  state  exists,  every  daughter  will  hasten 
with  her  first  love-letter  to  her  father.  So  every  son  will  ask  his 
mother  first  what  she  thinks  of  this  girl  or  that,  as  adapted  to  be- 


228 


THE  DECISION,  AND  ITS  ARBITERS. 


come  his  wife,  before  making  advances.  And  every  true  father  will 
enter  right  heartily  into  his  daughter’s  love-affairs  as  if  his  own; 
living  his  own  young  love  over  again  in  hers.  So  of  mothers  as  to  sons. 
And  parents  will  take  counsel  together  respecting  both  sons  and 
daughters,  and  all  parties  confer  freely  together,  touching  this  whole 
matter,  like  jurymen  discussing  the  evidence  of  a trial,  each  weigh- 
ing the  conclusions  of  all  in  the  scale  of  reason  and  right. 

And  have  brothers  and  sisters  no  rights  touching  each  other’s  conju- 
gal partners  ? Affects  it  not  the  interest  of  each  whom  the  other 
marries  ? And  will  not  every  true  sister  consult  brother,  and  brother 
ask  sister’s  opinion  ? If  they  love  each  other  as  they  should,13  they 
can  hardly  help  both  asking  and  answering  in  perfect  freedom  and 
affectionate  solicitude. 

In  fact,  every  marriage  should  be  a family  affair,  and  discussed  in 
full  council.  Every  family  should  be  bound  together  by  ties  of  per- 
fect affection.  Not  a discordant  note  should  be  uttered  by  either  to 
mar  the  harmony  of  all.  Each  should  be  friendly  to  all,  and  all  to 
each.  Each  should  experience  affection  for  all,  and  all  for  each. 
Parents  should  love  each  other  and  their  children,  with  all  their 
hearts.  And  children  their  parents,  and  also  each  other,  as  well  as 
each  other’s  companions.  All  should  open  wide  the  portals  of  their  af- 
fections, and  enlarge  their  fireside  circles,  so  as  to  embrace  the  entire 
family  relatives.  Then  since  it  is  thus  important  that  all  should  be 
friendly  with  all,  therefore  all  have  a voice  in  the  matrimonial  selec- 
tions of  ail.  And  that  child  who  marries  contrary  to  parental  wishes, 
thereby  obliges  them  either  to  tolerate  and  make  the  best  of  it,  or  else  to 
banish  both  child  and  consort  from  their  hearts.  God  forbid  that  either 
writer  or  reader  should  ever  be  driven  to  either  alternative  ! God 
grant  that  all  our  family  connections  may  be  bound  together  in  the 
bonds  of  the  closest  cordiality.  Let  none  throw  the  apple  of  discord 
into  the  sacred  family  circle  ! That  even  no  iceberg  may  chili  its 
warmth  or  quench  its  fires.  But  that,  instead,  each  may  promote,  not 
prevent,  these  holiest  of  life’s  relations. 

Yet  none  should  be  captious.  Should  slight  causes  be  allowed  to 
engender  family  alienations  ? If  either  decidedly  prefers  one  to 
whom  others  object,  shall  either,  by  being  refractory,  make  bad 
worse?  Shall  a family  quarrel  ensue  because  some  like,  but  others 
dislike,  a particular  match  ? Instead,  all  should  u live  and  let  live.” 
The  flexible  policy  is  the  best  for  each,  and  all.  Contention  reacts 
on  all,  and  renders  all  miserable.  Persistency  in  all  cases  injures 
all,  but  benefits  none.  Let  all  cultivate  a satisfied  rather  than  a 
fault-finding  spirit.  L:  Least  said  soonest  mended. 


PARENTS  SHOULD  PROMOTE  CHILDREN’S  MARRYING.  229 


54.  PARENTS  SHOULD  PROMOTE,  NOT  PREVENT,  THEIR  CHILDREN’S 

SELECTIONS. 

Why  should  not  parents  supply  their  children’s  social  faculties,  as 
well  as  intellectual  or  moral  ? Each  is  equally  a human  necessity,37 
and  to  be  provided  for  in  its  natural  time.39  The  duty  of  parents ‘as 
parents,  to  their  children  as  children,  ends  only  at  their  marriage,  or 
at  least  full  maturity.41  Nor  is  any  parental  duty  more  imperious 
than  to  see  their  children  settled  in  marriage.  Did  not  Abraham 
pursue  a true  parental  and  every  way  commendable  course  in  obtain- 
ing a wife  for  Isaac?  That  parents  are  solemnly  bound  to  provide 
their  children  with  creature  comforts,  and  facilities  for  their  intellec- 
tual and  moral  culture,  is  universally  admitted.  Yet  should  not 
they  provide  aliment  for  their  children’s  social  faculties  as  much  as 
for  their  intellectual,  moral,  or  any  other  ? Why  can,  why  should 
they  not  select  masculine  associates  of  a corresponding  age  for  their 
daughters,  and  feminine  for  their  sons  ? Not  that  they  should  force 
disagreeable  acquaintances  upon  them,  nor  restrict  them  to  single 
associates,  but  that,  by  making  parties,  introducing  them,  enlarging  the 
circle  of  their  acquaintances,  and  other  right  means,  they  should 
throw  them  into  the  society  of  young  gentlemen,  and  furnish  them 
abundant  opportunites  for  making  a suitable  conjugal  selection. 

“But  this  will  encourage  undue  familiarities.” 

Not  at  all.  By  presupposition  both  parties  are  innocent  and  virtuous, 
and  associate  together  in  the  presence  of  elders.13 

But  when  parents  do  not  or  can  not  thus  supply  objects  of  love  to 
their  children,  they  should  not  at  least  prevent  their  supplying  them- 
selves. How  inhuman,  how  wicked  even,  to  prevent  their  providing 
themselves  with  raiment,  with  intellectual  or  moral  culture,  with 
any  other  human  necessity  ! Then,  how  doubly  reprehensible  to 
threw  obstacles  in  the  way  of  their  suitable  marriage  ! What 
greater  injury  or  wrong  could  they  do  them  ? Yet,  how  many  per- 
petrate this  wrong,  especially  on  their  daughters  ! Though  their  mo- 
tives may  be  good,  their  actions  are  despicable. 

A loving  but  selfish  father,  having  seen  every  child  married  except 
his  youngest  daughter,  partly  by  command,  partly  by  persuasion,  in- 
duce her  to  forego  all  matrimonial  proffers,  in  order  to  nurse  him. 
She  dismissed  her  lover  for  her  father’s  sake,  who  lived  till  she  was 
forty,  when,  he  dying,  she  married,  but  too  late  to  have  children  to 
soothe  her  in  her  decline.  And  the  older  she  grows,  the  more  she 
blames  him  for  thus  robbing  her  of  her  greatest  earthly  blessing. 
May  your  children  never  remember  you  by  the  suffering  you  caused 
them. 


230 


THE  DECISION,  AND  ITS  ARBITERS. 


A dutiful  daughter  of  twenty,  loved  most  devotedly  and  tenderly — 
her  social  lobe  being  very  large  — but  her  parents  opposed  her 
marriage,  because  only  she  remained  to  nurse  them  in  sickness  and 
old  age.  At  length,  from  pure  filial  devotion,  she  dismissed  her  lover, 
thereby  breaking  both  his  heart,  as  well  as  her  own.  But  she  pined 
by  day  and  wept  by  night,  sinking  by  littles  into  a monotonous,  woe- 
begone, forlorn,  listless,  inane  state.50  Her  health  gradually  de- 
clined. A terrible  fit  of  sickness  supervened.50  She  now  teaches 
some,  nurses  parents  when  they  are  sick,  but  is  a mere  automaton,  a 
walking  statue,  and  has  the  look  and  tone  of  inexpressible  heart- 
broken sorrow.  An  indescribable  melancholy  broods  over  her  face, 
and  gives  the  natural  language  of  unmitigated  grief  to  all  she  does 
and  says;  awakening  pity,  almost  anguish,  in  all  scrutinizing  be- 
holders. Dead  sexually,  she  lives  merely  nominally,  and  wishes  she 
were  in  her  grave,  desiring  to  live  only  that  she  may  do  some  more 
good  on  earth.  Noble  martyr  on  the  altar  of  filial  love  ! Cruel 
parents  to  exact  suck  a sacrifice  ! They  had  no  right  to  ask ! She 
was  under  no  filial  obligation  to  grant.  Her  rights  and  duties  to 
herself  exceed  those  due  to  her  parents.  She  suffers  terribly  be- 
cause she  has  sinned  grievously.  They  now  see  their  error,  and  wish 
she  were  married.  But  it  is  too  late.  She  dislikes  men,  and  shuns 
their  society.  Her  love  has  become  reversed  by  disappointment.48  She 
loathes  the  masculine,  excepting  that  she  loves  to  teach  boys,  but 
longs  to  die.  What  parent,  by  pursuing  a like  course,  is  willing  to  in- 
cur like  consequences  ? 

Another  envious  father  dri  ves  off  all  young  men  who  seek  the  ac- 
quaintance of  either  of  his  four  daughters,  alleging,  doubtless  truly, 
that  he  loves  them  too  well  to  part  with  them.  He  never  allows 
them  to  go  abroad,  night  or  day,  without  him.  And  as  he,  advanced, 
dislikes  young  society,  they  pine  and  gradually  decline  from  pure  in- 
anition, two  having  died  of  consumption,  and  the  other  sinking  in  a 
hopeless  decline  ; while  even  the  youngest,  a lovely  girl  of  nineteen, 
is  beginning  to  fall  into  their  declining  footsteps.  All  consequent  upon 
home  seclusion. 

Another  father  of  a lovely  girl  of  seventeen,  a pattern  sample  of 
her  sex,  having  first  interdicted  a genuine  affection,  watches  her  com 
pany,  her  correspondence,  with  so  eagle  an  eye,  that  not  a letter 
comes  to  her  address  but  he  must  open,  nor  a young  man  see  her  at 
home  or  abroad,  excepting  one  she  dislikes,  whom  father  and  mother 
are  determined  she  shall  marry ; and  none  hut  him  ! If  married.,  I 
pity  him,  her,  them. 

Another  highly  intellectual,  moral,  and  affectionate  pair,  on  their 


PARENTS  SHOULD  PROMOTE  CHILDREN’S  MARRYING.  231 


son  of  seventeen  failing  deeply  in  love  with  a country  girl,  good 
though  not  accomplished,  set  themselves  at  work  to  break  oil  theii 
affections.  Though  she  was  reputed  lower  in  the  social  scale  than 
he,  yet  she  was  virtuous,  and  full  of  true  womanly  sentiments,  very 
lovely,  and  as  devoted  to  him  as  he  to  her.  There  was  no  objection- 
able feature  except  in  her  social  position.  Though  they  admitted  the 
match  was  a good  one  for  him,  yet  they  argued  that  he  might  do  bet- 
ter. At  length  they  succeeded  in  interrupting  their  love,  and  thereby 
effectually  spoiled  both.  She  married,  but  is  miserable;  while  he, 
withering  in  mental  anguish  over  their  blighted  love,  fell  into  a morbid, 
misanthropic  state;  and  though  possessed  of  a superior  moral  tone 
and  business  capacities,  as  well  as  general  talent,  fell  into  some  ruin- 
ous personal  habits;  is  beginning  to  dissipate;  loathes  virtuous  female 
society,  and  keeps  company  he  should  not ; neglects  business,  being  in 
a dead-and-alive  state,  and  sinking  into  a hopeless  decline,  resuscita- 
tion from  which  is  almost  impossible.  His  fond  parents,  obliged  to 
behold  these  ruinous  results  of  their  well-meant  but  fatal  interrup- 
tion of  his  love,  now  see  that  his  only  salvation  consists  in  marriage, 
and  requested  me  to  make  a suitable  selection.  I did.  But,  having 
become  a regular  woman-hater,47  he  absolutely  refused  to  make  any 
advances.  There  remains  but  this  single  chance  for  his  salvation, 
namely,  being  courted  and  captivated  by  some  lively  but  forward  girl, 
who  is  not  afraid  to  make  love.40  Glad  he  is  not  my  son,  but  think 
he  could  be  saved,  even  yet. 

Another  parental  pair,  finding  their  daughter  of  only  fourteen  in- 
clining to  love  a neighboring  lad  of  sixteen,  brought  her  to  me,  and 
induced  his  parents  also  to  bring  him,  and  without  my  suspecting 
their  mutual  affection,  asked  concerning  their  mutual  adaptation,  and 
what  traits  should  be  cultivated  or  restrained  in  order  to  insure 
mutual  assimilation.  Her  mother  seemed  especially  solicitous  to 
learn  and  do  her  whole  duty  in  this  respect,  and  also  happy  when 
told  they  were  unmistakably  adapted  to  each  other.  Now,  was  not 
this  course  both  parental  and  politic?  Should  not  parents  facilitate 
and  guide  the  loves  of  their  children  as  much  as  their  intellects  ? 
Nor  should  they  ever  interfere  for,  or  against. 

Match-making  parents,  however,  interfere  the  other  way , especial- 
ly with  their  daughters.  They  hurry  them  into  company  while  yet 
mere  girls,  often  hastening  their  womanhood  that  they  may  hasten 
their  match-making,  actually  exposing  them  to  severe  temptation,  if  they 
can.  by  any  means,  secure  proposals.  Nor  are  they  particular  what 
company  they  keep,  if  only  rich.  They  party  them  to  satiety. 
They  dress  them  to  death.  They  accomplish  them  to  kill.  Anything, 


232 


THE  DECISION,  AND  ITS  ARBITERS. 


everything^  to  marry  them  off.  fashionably , of  course,  before  their 
sixteen  beauty  fades.39  Let  them  rather  consult  their  ultimate  happi- 
ness, than  earliest  possible  marriage. 

Yet  other  parents,  again,  by  not  providing  daughters  with  congenial 
home  associations,  or  else  by  obliging  them  to  support  themselves,  vir- 
tually compel  them  to  marry  for  a home.  This  is  tantamount  to 
compelling  them  to  throw  themselves  away.  Not  a few,  having  no 
peace  of  their  lives  at  home,  blamed,  restricted,  unloved,  interfered 
with,  all  their  feelings  reversed,  and  rendered  miserable,  accept  their 
first  offer,  liable  to  be  a poor  one,  and  spoil  their  entire  lives,  just 
for  want  of  a pleasant  home  for  a short  time.  Fathers  should  see 
their  daughters  so  far  provided  with  creature  comforts,  that  they 
shall  have  no  cause  to  marry  disadvantageously,  either  to  avoid  an 
uncongenial  step-mother,  or  being  twitted  and  taunted  on  account  of 
their  dependence,  or  for  fear  they  may  not  have  another  offer. 
Human  nature  shrinks  from  a position  of  dependence.  True  pride 
of  character,  or  self-respect,  should  on  no  account  be  humbled  by 
being  made  to  feel  as  if  dependent,  or  a burden.  But  as  society  now 
is,  girls  have  very  few  ways  and  means  of  self-support,  except  by 
teaching,  or  the  needle,  both  of  which  are  overstocked.  Those  girls 
are  really  to  be  pitied  who  are  obliged  either  to  support  themselves, 
or  else  marry  to  avoid  dependence.  Still,  often  those  supported 
cheerfully  by  father,  brother,  or  uncle,  fancy  they  are  considered 
burdensome  when  they  are  not,  and  accept  the  first  matrimonial  offer, 
from  mortified  Approbativeness,  because  more  independent  than  they 
should  be.  True,  girls  should  do  what  they  well  can,  by  kindly 
offices  and  winning  manners,  to  pay  their  way — and  a self-reliant 
spirit  in  man  or  woman  is  praiseworthy.  But  since  custom  discour- 
ages woman  from  attempting  her  own  support  by  “only  a needle- 
woman,” and  pays  her  so  parsimoniously,  when  a support  is  proffered 
freely  it  should  be  cheerfully  accepted,  without  any  feeling  of  mor- 
tification. But  under  no  circumstances  should  girls  marry  for  a home 
or  support  merely.  Such  marriages  always  and  necessarily  eventuate 
most  unfortunately,  because  perpetrated  by  wrong  motives.  Always 
and  everywhere  should  marriage  be  contracted  only  by  virtue  of  its 
own  legitimate  motives.  We  speak  of  first  marriages. 

The  true  mode  of  procedure,  then,  is  this.  A young  man, 
before  paying  his  addresses  to  a young  woman,  should  ask  at  the  inner- 
most shrine  of  his  being,  “Will  ‘this  one  or  that  make  me  the  best 
wife?”  and  let  the  “ light  within”  first  illumine  this  question.  He 
should  next  consult  his  mother*  then,  whoever  else  he  pleases.  He 
should  next  make  advances  to  the  girl  herself.  By  letter  is  undoubt- 


PARENTS  SHOULD  PROMOTE  CHILDREN’S  MARRYING.  233 


edly  the  best  form.  Not  at  all  in  the  light  of  a lover,  but  only  that 
they  may  mutually  canvass  their  respective  marital  qualifications 
and  adaptations  to  each  other. 

It  next  remains  for  her  to  consider  and  answer,  not  whether  she 
will  accept  his  love,  or  become  his  wife,  but  only  whether  she  will 
receive  him  as  a suitor.  That  is,  whether  she  will  enter  into  the 
discussion  of  their  mutual  fitness.  Of  course  he  should  now  consult 
his  father  and  mother.  If  she  accepts,  their  next  step  is  to  ask  the 
consent  of  her  parents.  This  fully  opens  up  the  whole  subject  to  a 
frank,  intellectual,  affectionate  discussion  between  all  the  parties  in- 
terested— asking  their  leave,  being  tantamount  to  asking  that  of  all 
concerned. 

But  why  should  he  ask  ? First,  on  his  own  account.  It  is  more  to 
his  interest  than  theirs,  that  the  family  into  which  he  marries  have 
an  opportunity  to  express  their  opinions,  uor  ever  after  hold  their 
peace. This  is  equally  her  true  policy.  If  needs  be,  she  would 
willingly  forsake  father  and  mother  and  cleave  to  husband ; yet  how 
much  better  if  she  can  cling  to  all  three  ! They  may,  indeed,  agree 
to  marry  in  spite  of  both  parents  and  friends,  yet  is  it  their  interest 
to  thus  array  all  the  members  of  both  families  against  them  ? His 
happiness  and  success  in  life,  perhaps  in  gaining  her  affections,  will 
be  seriously  affected  by  their  friendly  co-operation,  or  warlike  opposi- 
tion. If  they  can  marry  the  one  of  their  choice,  and  still  retain  the 
affections  of  their  parents  merely  by  saying,  u may  it  please  you.77 
had  they  not  better  at  least  ask  ? Indeed,  is  it  not  impertinent,  even 
downright  impudent,  for  him  to  carry  off  her  heart  and  hand,  wholly 
regardless  of  parental  wishes  ? As  they  have  made  her  worth  his 
having,  they  surely  should  be  thanked , not  robbed  ] consulted , not 
plundered  ; asked , not  driven. 

He  may  ask  them  either  verbally,  or  by  letter — the  latter  undoubt- 
edly the  best — wording  it  somewhat  in  the  following  fashion,  or  any 
other  he  may  prefer  : 

New  Yoke,  September  1st,  1858. 

C D to  Mr.  and  Mrs.  A B . 

Respected  Sir  and  Madam — I desire  to  pay  suit  to  your  daughter, 
with  a view  to  our  ultimate  marriage,  provided  it  should  be  deemed 
best  by  all  concerned.  Have  I your  permission?  A full  and  frank 
expression  of  your  feelings  and  opinions  touching  this  whole  subject 
in  general,  and  myself  in  particular,  will  much  oblige, 

Yours  truly,  C D . 

He  may  say  more,  or  less,  as  he  pleases,  but  should  distinctly  ask 


234 


THE  DECISION,  AND  ITS  ARBITERS. 


permission,  not  to  marry,  but  only  to  confer  with  her  in  reference  to 
their  marriage. 

If  this  course  should  seem  objectionable,  as  exposing  a sensitive 
youth  to  the  unfavorable  consequences  of  a negation,  the  answer  is — 
That  he  can  not  court  in  any  other  way  without  its  being  known  as 
soon  and  as  extensively  as  by  this,  for  there  is  no  keeping  this  matter 
secret ; that  the  mere  fact  of  secrecy  bears  an  objectionable  aspect, 
while  frankness  is  always  commendable;  that  judicious  parents,  so 
far  from  necessarily  exposing  him,  would  now  throw  them  together, 
without  awakening  suspicion,  whereas,  if  he  goes  expressly  to  see  her, 
he  would  both  publicly  commit  himself,  and  by  discontinuing,  give  rise 
to  scandal ; that  this  form  of  decline  would  render  it  less  public  and 
unfavorable  to  him,  than  being  refused  in  the  usual  way ; that  not 
the  least  taint  or  stigma  attaches  to  him  on  account  of  their  not  find- 
ing themselves  adapted  to  each  other,  nor  at  all  implies  that  he  is 
unworthy  either  of  her,  or  another  quite  as  good ; and  that  this 
straightforward  course  is  best  calculated  to  secure  success. 

All  the  parties  especially  interested  should  now  talk  this  whole 
matter  all  over,  with  this  express  understanding,  that  they  are  only 
advisers , not  arbitrators ; only  its  consulting  lawyers,  not  either 
jurors,  judges,  nor  legislators  ; that  their  prerogative  is  merely  to 
guide , not  to  dictate  ; to  say  what  is  best , but  not  what  shall  be ; that 
u Hitherto  shalt  thou  come,  but  no  farther;”  that  their  place  is  acqui- 
escence, not  dictation  ; that  for  them  to  interdict  is  an  ill-bred,  med- 
dlesome interference  with  what  is  none  of  their  business ; indeed,  is 
downright  impudence,  of  which  no  high-toned  person  will  ever  be 
guilty  ; that  as  they  would  indignantly  repel  all  outside  interference 
in  their  own  love-matters,  so  they  should  do  as  they  would  be  done  by, 
and  be  contented  with  making  their  own  matches ; that  they  may  in- 
troduce, recommend,  and  urge  weighty  reasons,  yet  even  this  only 
out  of  pure  friendship,  but  stop  there;  that  even  parents  themselves 
may  not  control,  may  only  advise ; much  less  others. 

In  accepting  his  addresses,  her  parents  should  frankly  state  their 
objections  to  him,  if  they  have  any,  thus  giving  him  an  opportunity 
to  rebut  them,  and  also  tell  him  as  far  as  they  deem  best,  her  main 
characteristics,  excellences,  defects,  their  opinion  of  their  fitness,  and 
whatever  else  in  their  judgment  bears  on  this  matter. 

If  this  frank  course  should  seem  objectionable  as  unduly  promul- 
gating personal  and  family  secrets,  the  answer  is  this,  and  is  emphatic : 
first,  that  these  secrets  must  come  to  light  some  time)  and  the  earlier 
the  better;  that  a decision  as  to  their  fitness  requires  this  knowledge; 
and  that  the  parties  to  whom  they  are  confided  should  deem  them 


SELF  THE  FINAL  UMPIRE. 


285 


\ 

absolutely  sacred,  and  on  no  account  ever  to  be  divulged  to  others. 
Yet,  those  who  prefer  to  pursue  a course  more  secretive  and  politic, 
are  quite  welcome  to  its  eventualities,  which  are  often  most  fatal. 

55.  SELF  THE  FINAL  UMPIRE. 

As  every  state  must  have  its  chief  justice,  and  every  tribunal  its 
final  umpire,  so  selection  must  needs  have  its  dernier  resort.  When 
all  agree,  “ all  right. 77  But  in  case  of  difference,  who  shall  give  the 
determining  vote  ? Whose  will  shall  be  absolute  ? 

The  Matrimonial  Candidates  themselves.  Others  may  advise, 
but  it  is  their  prerogative  alone  to  rule.  They  should  weigh  well  the 
opinions  of  others,  especially  those  of  parents — and  good  children 
will  deliberate  long  before  running  directly  counter  to  parental  wishes 
— but  if  there  is  any  one  human  right  more  inviolable  than  any  other, 
it  is  that  God-conferred  right  of  choosing  one^s  own  matrimonial  part- 
ner. As  all  men  are  u endowed  with  certain  inalienable  rights  to 
life,  liberty,  and  the  pursuit  of  happiness,77  and  as  nothing  affects 
this  happiness  for  life  equally  with  a conjugal  partner,52  of  course 
this  right  is  the  most  sacred  of  all  rights.  Have  not  all  an  undoubted 
right  to  select  their  own  food?  But  is  not  their  right  to  choose  their 
own  husband  or  wife  quite  as  indubitable  ? The  happiness  of 
others  is  affected  much,  but  theirs  infinitely  most.  Outside  interfer- 
ence is  a flagrant  wrong,  which  no  excuse  can  either  justify  or  palli- 
ate ! Not  even  in  parents,  except  where  children  are  too  young  to 
marry.  For  when  old  enough  to  marry,  they  are  old  enough  to  decide 
to  whom. 

Nor  has  even  either  party  a right  to  decide  for  the  other,  but  only 
each  for  his:  her , own  individual  self  alone.  Personality  is  a natural 
institute.  Many  things  can  be  done  by  proxy,  but  not  choosing  a hus- 
band or  wife.  As  each  must  think,  talk,  move,  sleep,  eat,  live,  and 
die  in  propria  pe^once,  so  each  must  make  his,  her,  own  conjugal 
selection.  Those  who  are  to  live  with,  alone  can  say  with  whom. 

Moreover,  this  personal  decision  is  a peremptory  duty , as  well  as 
inalienable  right.  Marriage  is  active , not  passive.  No  one  has  any 
business  even  to  allow  interference,  any  more  than  to  interfere.54  This 
personal  selection  is  a solemn  obligation  which  no  one  can  either  fore- 
go or  shrink  from,  but  each  must  meet  fully,  and  in  their  own  person. 
Nothing  can  excuse  it.  Allowing  others  to  decide  is  morally  wrong, 
and  always  punishes  its  guilty  negligents.  Show  me  any  or  all  of 
those  who  have  either  allowed  others  to  decide  for,  or  over-persuade 
them,  and  I will  show  you  those  every  individual  of  whom  is  miser- 
able in  consequence.  Must  be,  in  the  very  nature  of  things.  Indeed, 


236 


THE  DECISION,  AND  ITS  ARBITERS. 


the  other  party  has  no  right  even  to  over-persuade.  And  those  who  do, 
perpetrate  an  unmitigated  wrong  on  the  yielding  party.  And  thosa 
who  allow  themselves  to  be  persuaded  against  their  own  better  judg- 
ment, will  rue  their  pusillanimity  the  remainder  of  their  lives.  Then 
let  no  human  being  ever  marry  or  refuse  marriage  against  their  own 
will.  Instead,  let  each  and  all  assume  this  responsibility,  great  as  it 
confessedly  is,52  in  person,  and  after  taking  due  counsel,  and  fully 
weighing  all  arguments  and  conditions  on  both  sides,  finally  decide 
it  according  to  the  best  lights  they  themselves  can  bring  to  bear  upon 
it,  in  and  of  their  own  individual  personalities. 

Then  wh&t  first  principles  and  facts  shall  guide  their  choice? 


WHAT  OF  THE  CONSTITUTION  AND  HEALTH? 


287 


SECTION  YI. 

GENERAL  MARITAL  QUALIFICATIONS. 

Fitness  is  one  of  nature’s  paramount  institutes.  She  adapts  eaeto 
and  all  her  productions  to  their  specific  requirements — -fowl  to  flight, 
horse  to  draft,  and  everything  to  its  legitimate  function. 

And  this  fitness  is  everything.  How  much,  we  will  not  stop  here 
to  say.  But  a thousand-fold  is  no  comparison.  Words  can  not  ex- 
press how  much  more  valuable  for  a given  purpose  anything  adapted 
thereto  is  than  not  thus  adapted. 

Particularly  is  this  true  of  conjugal  fitness.  Indeed,  such  fitness  is 
the  main  requisite  in  a husband  or  wife.  One  thus  fitted  is  far  more 
suitable  than  one  who  is  not.  The  difference  is  heaven-wide. 
Indeed,  this  adaptation  is  the  very  first  point  to  be  considered,  and  that 
around  which  all  centers. 

Then  in  what  does  this  fitness  consist  ? Is  it  natural,  or  artificial, 
or  both  ? To  this  eventful  inquiry,  then,  we  now  address  ourselves. 

These  qualifications  are,  first,  general , because  inherent  in  the  very 
nature  of  the  marriage  relations  themselves,  constituting  a necessary 
part  and  parcel  of  fitness  for  all  marriages,  high  and  low,  refined  and 
common,  old  and  young;  and,  secondly,  those  especially  adapting  par- 
licular  persons  to  each  other.  They  might  likewise  be  subdivided 
into  natural  and  acquired,  natural  being  far  the  most  valuable.  First, 
then,  those  general  and  indispensable. 

56.  WHAT  OF  THE  CONSTITUTION  AND  HEALTH? 

A good,  original , organic  stamina  lies  very  near  the  base  of  all 
conjugal  prerequisites,  because  the  great  determiner  of  character  and 
capacity.  It  is  called  hereditary  constitution  in  man,  and  cl  blood”  in 
stock.  It  vitalizes  all  functions,  both  mental  and  physical,  and  is  to 
all  what  motive  power  is  to  machinery.  Its  influence  over  the  entire 
character  is  paramount  and  absolute,  both  lying  far  below,  and  rising 
far  above,  all  educational  influence,  and  constitutes  the  grand  make- 
up of  the  entire  being.  But  we  must  refer  to  the  last  edition  of  the 
l:  Self-Instructor”  for  both  its  analyses  and  diagnoses. 

It  embraces  physical  tendency  to  longevity  and  disease,  as  well  as 


238 


GENERAL  MARITAL  QUALIFICATIONS. 


strength,  stamina,  and  endurance,  as  well  as  all  natural  proclivities, 
intellectual,  moral,  and  dispositional ; talents  of  course  included.  Thus 
some  are  constitutionally  predisposed  to  consumption,  rheumatism,  etc., 
others  to  other  hereditary  infirmities,  while  others  still  are  sound  and 
hardy.  Other  families,  again,  are  obstinate,  or  high  tempered,  or 
amiable,  or  just,  or  intellectual,  or  musical,  etc.  But  as  our  next  Sec- 
tion will  present  this  subject  from  another  stand-point,  we  dismiss  it 
here,  remarking  merely  that  this  condition  will  go  far  to  control  both 
the  mentalities  and  physiologies  of  their  children  as  well  as  them- 
selves. Being  u dyed  in  the  wool,”  or  in-born,  they  u will  out”  in  their 
descendants. 

What  of  the  parents,  relatives,  and  ancestors,  therefore,  be- 
comes a primal  question  with  those  prospecting  for  a life-companion. 
Not  that  perfection  should  be  expected,  but  that  all  these  facts  should 
be  duly  weighed. 

•Especially  what  of  the  mother.  The  more  so  in  cases  of  sons  who 
resemble  their  mothers,  for  u like  mother  like  children.”  If  she 
scolds,  and  you  marry  her  daughter,  beware,  unless  she  resembles  her 
father,  and  he  is  a good,  quiet,  patient  man.  But  how  much  better 
if  she  is  the  guardian-angel  and  the  main-stay  of  the  family,  and  a 
sweet,  good  woman,  because  she  does  most  to  control  the  temper  and 
disposition  of  her  children.  Is  she  spry,  blithe,  and  hardy,  or  tainted 
with, any  hereditary  maladies,  remember  that  vital  diseases  descend 
more  through  mother  than  father.  Still,  she  may  be  sickly  now, 
though  naturally  healthy,  and  her  children  have  good  constitutions. 
Is  she  frank  or  secretive,  self-sacrificing  or  selfish,  humble  or  high- 
toned,  just  or  partial,  generous  or  close,  intelligent  or  simple,  meek 
or  haughty,  talkative,  and  what  kind  of  talk,  or  demure  • a down- 
right good  wife  and  mother,  or  only  commonplace,  a genuine  woman 
or  deficient  in  the  womanly  traits,  are  vitally  important  questions.69 

Not  by  any  means  that  different  paternal  qualities  are  of  little  ac- 
count, for  they,  too,  are  most  important,  especially  as  affecting  daugh- 
ters, and  doubly  those  who  take  after  their  father.  But  having  put 
this  class  of  questions,  we  leave  each  to  answer  them  in  accordance 
•with  these  two  conditions:  first,  the  hereditary  facts , in  each  case; 
and  secondly,  the  specific  likes  and  dislikes  of  the  canvasser.  Growing 
out  of  this  subject,  and  forming  an  almost  integral  part  of  it,  is — 

The  general  health,  especially  of  girls.  Animal  power  is 
the  great  base  of  all  capacity,  all  functional  excellence.  What  is 
life  without  health  ? Indeed,  what  is  life  hut  health  ? What  are 
sickly  human  beings  worth,  to  themselves,  their  families,  or  the  world  ? 
As,  when  a machine,  however  good  intrinsically,  and  adapted  to  per- 


WHAT  OF  THE  CONSTITUTION  AND  HEALTH? 


239 


form  however  well,  lacks  motive  power,  it  is  therefore  good  for 
nothing  • so  being  a good  animal  is  the  first  important  prerequisite  for 
becoming  a good  man  or  woman,  husband  or  wife.  It  is  a good  physique , 
young  man,  which  first  attracts.  It  is  brawn , virility , young  woman, 
which  first  excites  your  love. 

c'  Not  at  all,  sir  • indeed,  it  is  mindP 

But  can  mind  manifest  itself  except  by  means  of  this  animal  vigor? 
Do  not  all  the  intellectual  powers,  even  all  the  moral  excellences,  de- 
cline as  physical  force  wanes  ? As  when  stomach  or  muscle  die,  mind 
ceases  its  earthly  expressions  • so  be  one’s  mental  capacities  whatever 
they  may,  their  manifestation  wanes  as  lungs  give  out  or  stomach 
fails. 

Besides,  from  time  immemorial  man  always  has  worshiped, 
always  will  worship,  at  the  shrine  of  female  beauty , and  woman  at 
that  of  masculine  strength , both  of  which  consist  mainly  in  vigorous 
animal  conditions.  Woman  may  indeed  love  sickly  men  as  she 
does  sickly  children,  yet  this  is  sympathy,  instead  of  love  proper. 
She  always  has  admired,  will  admire,  soldiers,  because  they  person- 
ify that  strength  and  protection  which  she  involuntarly  craves  for 
herself  and  children.  Any  woman,  asked  what  one  masculine  quality 
she  most  admires,  will  answer  ££ power'*'1  — physical,  to  protect  my 
person  and  children  : intellectual,  to  guide  my  judgment.  Woman, 
consists  not  this  with  your  own  heart-experiences  ? You  may  indeed 
sympathize  with,  pity,  perhaps  pet,  a little  weakly  puny  husband,  but 
can  not  truly  love  what  you  pity,  for  love  can  obtain  only  between 
supposed  equals,  whereas  pity  presupposes  the  inferiority  of  the  pitied. 
Let  those  girls  who  know  no  better,  choose  little-faced,  little-footed, 
small-boned,  shriveled,  soft-handed,  soft-headed,  nervous,  white- 
livered  Young  Americas,  well-nigh  emasculated  by  our  effeminating 
habits.  You  certainly  do  not  want  them.  They  may  answer  merely 
to  beau  into  and  out  of  parlor  or  ball-room,  or  escort  to  party  or 
picnic,  or  to  flirt  with,  if  flirt  you  must,  but  will  make  miserable 
husbands.  Not  sick  enough  to  nurse,  nor  well  enough  to  excite  your 
whole-souled  love,  so  fidgety  and  touchy  that  to  please  or  love  them  is 
well-nigh  impossible.  Nor  do  puny  dandies  or  in-door  clerks  at  all 
equal  hale,  sturdy  farmers,  mechanics,  and  those  employed  out  of 
doors.  They  may  indeed  be  more  polite  and  fashionable,  yet  they  lack 
the  requisite  energy,  vitality,  and  force. 

Hence  all  who  remain  much  within  doors  should  by  all  means  take 
vigorous  and  daily  gymnastic  exercises,  or  else  must  suffer  the  de- 
cline of  their  manliness.  And  pray,  are  not  good,  firm  health  and  a 
hardy  constitution  quite  as  safe  a reliance  for  the  support  of  a family 


240 


GENERAL  MARITAL  QUALIFICATIONS. 


as  capital  in  business  ? Does  not  ability  to  work  exceed  bank  stock? 
Miss  Young  America  stands  badly  in  her  own  light  by  refusing  the 
hardy  farmer  and  resolute  mechanic  for  the  more  accomplished  but 
less  reliable  clerk  and  do-nothing  inheritor  of  a fortune.  The  plain 
fact  is,  these  anti-working  ideas  of  both  sexes  are  rendering  them  almost 
unmarriageable  just  from  their  muscular  inertia  ; and  ruining  the 
future  generations  of  our  country.  Judging  from  its  present  physical 
degeneration  and  rapid  decline,  what  feeble,  delicate  mortals  its  de- 
scendants must  become,  in  the  next  generation  ! And  as  few,  as 
weakly.  And  yet  individuals  are  not  to  blame,  for  it  is  these  Ameri- 
can educational  customs  that  are  thus  fatal  to  our  future.  So  our 
men  rush  from  v\rork  to  study,  or  some  sedentary  employment,  or 
else  to  business.  Their  minds  must  be  educated  at  the  expense  of 
their  constitutions,  and  thereby  to  the  ruin  of  both.  Or  if  to  traffic  or 
business,  they  must  become  so  anxious  and  apply  their  minds  so  long 
and  laboriously,  as  to  sap  the  very  rootlets  of  animal  power,  and  be- 
come poor  and  delicate  before  old  enough  to  marry.  Our  nation  can 
not  long  survive  these  enervating  habits  except  by  renewed  importa- 
tions. Woman,  patronize  muscle , not  dandyism.  Smile  on  strength, 
not  delicacy.  And,  young  man,  in-doors  and  out,  make  health  para- 
mount in  your  prospective  wife,  both  for  its  own  sake  and  for  its  in- 
dispensability to  the  marital  and  parental  relations. 

But  is  it  not  as  important  that  the  American  wife  and  mother  be  as 
healthy  as  husband  and  father  ? How  vastly  important ! Else  the 
human  plants  must  droop  and  die  for  want  of  aliment.  Her  office  being 
to  supply  them  with  vitality  and  nutrition,  how  shall  she  sustain  them 
when  she  can  not  herself  ? How  impart  what  she  does  not  possess  ? 
And  are  not  feeble,  tiny,  sickly  children,  crying  night  and  day,  and 
requiring  constant  doctoring  and  nursing,  torturing  parental  hearts 
with  an  agony  of  fear  lest  every  atmospheric  change,  if  it  does 
not  blow  them  into  premature  graves,  should  throw  them  into  an 
almost  hopeless  decline — too  feeble  to  withstand  infantile  ailments, 
perhaps  living  on  till  parental  heart-strings  become  fully  entwined 
around  them,  only  to  tear  them  asunder  over  their  breathless  corpse — 
to  be  provided  against  by  selecting  healthy  girls  for  their  mothers  ? 
What  sensible  man  will  thus  deliberately  trifle  with  his  own  gushing 
affections,  perhaps  render  himself  childless  and  heartbroken,  by  select- 
ing a small-wasted,  little-boned,  small-ankled,  feeble-muscled,  nervous 
dwarf  for  the  mother  of  his  children,  as  well  as  the  wife  of  hif 
bosom?  Let  those  select  feeble  girls  who  will,  but  when  taught  a< 
last  by  sad  experience  what  ought  to  be  by  the  evils  of  what  is:  sa> 
not  that  you  were  not  forewarned. 


WHAT  OF  THE  CONSTITUTION  AND  HEALTH? 


241 


But  to  crown  all,  after  bestowing  a full  manly  soul  on  a poor  deli- 
cate creature,  besides  all  the  loss  of  her  health  and  cost  of  her  weakli- 
ness. to  be  tortured  with  agony  inexpressible  by  fit  after  fit  of  sickness, 
till,  in  the  dreadful  finale,  her  very  helplessness  and  sufferings  having 
only  redoubled  your  tender  sympathy  for  her,  to  see  her  torn  from  you 
by  death;  to  inter  her  emaciated  corpse  by  the  side  of  that  of 
your  darling  babe  : and  return  a heart-broken  widower  to  your  now 
desolate  home— your  life  worse  than  spoiled,  and  all  because  you 
married  that  delicate  miss  ; wdiereas,  by  marrying  a healthy  one,  you 
could  just  as  well  have  raised  a goodly  family  of  brisk,  blooming 
children,  and  had  a healthy,  long-lived  helpmeet — really,  young  man, 
where  is  your  sense,  where  that  foresight,  that  business  sagacity  on 
which  you  pride  yourself,  that  you  lay  a train  for  these  dreadful  conse- 
quences, when  you  might  just  as  well  have  laid  one  for  those  instead  ? 

But  suppose,  instead  of  dying,  she  barely  lives  along,  feeble,  full  of 
aches  and  ailments ; just  able,  by  extreme  care,  to  go  about  and  keep 
from  getting  down  sick;  unable  to  do  much,  or  go  with  you  to  field  or 
garden,  lecture-room  or  concert,  ride  or  walk,  or  take  part  with  you 
in  your  recreations  or  labors;  tame  in  character  because  sickly  ; lan- 
guid in  all  her  pleasures,  thoughts,  and  desires ; exact,  exacting,  and 
difficult  to  please ; having  no  appetite,  she  can  not  relish  the  finest  peach 
■ — it  is  almost  worthless  to  her  because  too  languid  to  appreciate  its 
merits — discontented  ; dissatisfied  ; practically  impeaching  all  you  say 
and  do  for  her  ; taking  everything  the  cross-grained  way : censuring 
and  irritating  all  because  in  a censuring  mood  ; her  natural  loveliness 
turned  into  bitterfiess ; all  her  mental  faculties  retroverted ; both 
awakening  pity  and  provoking  anger,  because  like  a sick  baby, 
always  in  a cross  mood;  nothing  like  that  sweet,  soft,  winning,  com- 
plaisant woman  she  once  was,  and  would  again  be  if  again  healthy — 
I pity  her  much,  you  more,  because  either  so  simple  as  to  choose  a 
weakly  one,  or  else  guilty  for  allowing  a healthy  one  to  become 
sickly  after  marriage.  Thank  Heaven,  I speak  from  observation,  not 
experience ; for  scarcely  a night’s  rest  has  been  interrupted  by  sickness 
of  wife  or  children,  or  day’s  work  lost,  or  doctor’s  bill  contracted;  but, 
instead,  that  greatest  life-blessing,  uninterrupted  health , energy,  and 
efficiency. 

Nor  can  a wife  be  either  loving  or  lovely  farther  than  healthy. 
For  is  not  love,  in  common  with  everything  else,  exercised  by  means 
of  vitality?  For  as  none  can  think  clearly,  so  none  can  love  heartily, 
without  abundant  animal  vigor.  She  may,  indeed,  shed  tears  when 
you  leave  her,  but  is  it  not  more  a sickly,  dyspeptic  craving  than 
genuine  love?  Young  man,  you  want  neither  a sickly  girl,  nor  a do- 
ll 


242 


GENERAL  MARITAL  QUALIFICATIONS. 


nothing  one,  but  a right  hearty,  healthy,  helpmeet , in  all  things,  if 
you  yourself  lead  a do-something  life,  which  every  man  ought  to, 
you  need  a wife  w’ho  is  able  and  willing  to  help  you ; or  if  a do-noth- 
ing life,  you  require  a brisk,  healthy  wife,  just  to  help  you  kill  time 
Let  the  following  anecdote  both  make  and  illustrate  its  own  point. 

A wealthy  neighbor,  having  lost  his  wife,  on  being  condoled  with, 
that  L:  he  had  met  with  a very  great  loss  replied,  i:  Oh,  no,  not  so  very 
great,  for  she  hasn’t  been  down  cellar  for  five  years”  That  is,  his  loss 
had  been  trilling,  because  he  had  lost  a do-nothing  wife;  or  because 
she  could  not  help  make  butter  and  cheese.  In  short,  if  your  wife 
really  must  die,  better  lose  a do -nothing  one,  than  a do-something  one. 
A young  farmer,  remarking  on  the  death  of  his  wife,  said.  u I had 
rather  lost  the  best  cow  I have , because  she  made  so  much  and  such 
good  butter” 

And  yet,  if  only  healthy  girls  must  marry,  the  majority  o 1 our 
young  men  must  remain  bachelors.  Few,  precious  few,  are  mar- 
riageable according  to  this  qualification.  Most  lamentable,  most  ruin- 
ous is  the  existing  state  of  the  female  health  ! And  its  declination 
augurs  worse  for  the  future  than  the  present.  To  what,  in  all  con- 
science, is  our  country  verging  ? When  God  in  nature  has  done  so 
much  for  female  beauty  as  well  as  health,  in  the  name  of  nature’s 
health  law’s,  what  violation  of  these  law’s  has  brought  and  is  bringing 
about  this  physical  degeneracy  ? 

Fashionable  Miss  Young  America  is  generally  so  miserably  pitiful 
a thing  as  scarcely  to  be  worth  the  having.  So  extremely  delicate 
that  she  can  not  rise  until  noon,  go  out  in  sun  or  cold,  wet  or  heat  ; 
or  do  anything  but  go  out  nights.  Nor  then:  only  to  some  fashionable 
gathering!  But  must  ride  then,  if  even  only  a square  off!  Too 
delicate  (indolent  ?)  even  to  go  a shopping  except  in  her  carriage, 
w’hen  nimble  clerks  must  bring  their  goods  out  for  her  ladyship’s  in- 
spection. Scrutinize  closely.  Where  is  her  color?  On  her  cheek, 
not  in  it.  Where  her  teeth?  In  her  tumbler , not  mouth.  Where 
her  fine  rounded  form?  On  her,  not  of  her.  Where  her  fine  bust? 
Outside.  Where  her  flesh?  Now'here — much.  Alas,  almost  a bun- 
dle of  dry-goods-artificialities.  And  are  these — wromen  wTe  can 
hardly  call  them — the  prospective  mothers  of  the  rising  (falling!) 
race?  Few  children  at  best.  And  they  mostly  girls.  And  half  of 
these  too  precocious  to  grow  up.  Oh  ! my  countrymen  and  women, 
where  is  the  public  sense  ? 

Not  that  sickly  ladies  are  blamable.  Instead,  they  are  pitiable. 
Causes  inherent  in  their  education  have  wrought  all  this  ruin.  They 
are  but  the  hapless,  helpless,  victims  of  fashionable  folly  and  helpless- 


FEMALE  BOARDING-SCHOOLS,  AND  ATTIRE! 


243 


ness.  The  evil  lies  in  the  ton  customs  of  society,  not  in  individuals. 
“As  well  be  out  of  the  world  as  out  of  the  fashion.”  These  fashion- 
able habits  are  working  all  this  havoc.  What  habits?  These  two — 

FEMALE  BOARDING-SCHOOLS,  AND  ATTIRE  ! 

That  little  chubby-cheeked  and  rosy-faced  girl  must  be  pressed  into 
school  as  soon  as  she  can  fairly  walk,  and  Icept  crowded  all  the  time, 
and  with  all  those  ambitional  appliances  teachers  and  parents  can 
bring  to  bear  upon  her  susceptible  nature.  Allowed  neither  to  play, 
nor  mates  to  play  with,  because,  forsooth,  few  are  sufficiently  accom- 
plished ! Must  not  associate  with  Laura  Carpenter,  nor  Sarah  Smith, 
and  of  course  not  play  with  bo>s — rough,  vulgar  fellows14 — must 
study  after  and  before  school — must  study,  study,  study  “from 
early  morn  till  late  at  night,”  and  then  dress  to  kill  besides.  Must 
sit  most  of  her  time,  and  in  a tight-fitting  dress  at  that.  Must 
breathe  but  little,  and  that  little  poor  in  quality.  The  wonder  is 
that  she  lives  at  alt , not  that  she  is  sickly  ! Yet  she  must,  forsooth, 
become  accomplished!  Must  sit  at  the  piano  for  days,  weeks,  and 
months.  Must  drink  strong  coffee,  eat  hot  biscuit,  fine-flour  bread,  con- 
diments, rich  pies,  chalk,  pencils,  and  Heaven  knows  what  trash  besides. 
And  at  that  eventful  period  when  she  buds  into  womanhood,  having 
but  little  vitality  at  best,  and  that  little  consumed  by  her  brain  in 
study  • imprisoned  within  brick-and-mortar  walls*  going  out  only  for 
a monotonous  walk  with  a teacher  in  front,  another  in  rear,  and  a 
third  in  the  middle,  and  being  required  to  step  just  so  precisely* 
having  little  energy  at  this  crisis,  she  withers  and  becomes  a poor 
thing. 

Mrs.  Partington  sometimes  has  it,  when  she  charged  Ike  never,  on 
any  account,  to  choose  a wife  from  a young  ladies’  cenetery.  And  one 
might  about  as  well  choose  from  a cemetery  as  from  a seminary  ! 
Three  girls  from  one  town  went  from  one  seminary  in  one  spring  to 
one  cemetery,  because  from  the  seminary.  And  from  one  of  the  best 
of  seminaries  at  that.  But,  therefore,  one  of  the  worst.  And  worst 
because  best.  And  the  better,  the  worse.  For  in  their  very  good- 
ness consist  their  badness.  Our  young  ladies’  seminaries  are  our 
country’s  greatest  curse  ! If  by  one  symbolical  blow  I could  raze 
them  all  to  the  ground,  I wrould  deliberately  give  that  blow,  and  with 
a right  hearty  relish,  unless  I could  see  .them  remodeled  upon  the 
platform  of  health  first.  And  the  woman  educated , instead  of  meta- 
morphosed into  a fashionable  thing.  My  country,  you  little  realize 
how  fast  you  are  falling  behind  other  countries,  because  of  this 
feminine  and  infantile  feebleness.  For  when  female  health  fails. 


244 


GENERAL  MARITAL  QUALIFICATIONS. 


all  fails.  Our  children  are  our  future  country.  And  all  of  that 
country.  Then  how  meagre  our  prospect  for  our  boasted  u manifest 
destiny  !”  But  times  must  change.  These  truths  are  too  important 
long  to  escape  public  notice.  We  musty  we  will  have  reform. 

But  from  what  quarter  is  it  to  come  ? From  our  young  men . They 
have  caused  this  evil  by  running  tandem  after  mere  fashionable 
accomplishments , instead  of  genuine  feminine  character,  and  must 
initiate  the  required  reform  by  making  health  a paramount  condition 
of  choice,  and  accomplishments  only  secondary.  They  indeed  pay  a 
compliment  to  style  and  ladyism : but  what  hinders  our  girls  from 
uniting  all  the  accomplishments  with  the  most  perfect  health  ? 
Nothing.  Robust  health  is  perfectly  compatible  with  the  utmost  re- 
finement and  purity.  Indeed,  each  naturally  pro7notes:  not  interferes, 
with  the  other.  But  the  trouble  lies  in  that  mawkish  prudery46 
which  assumes  that  purity  and  play  are  incompatible  * that  modesty 
can  not  co-exist  with  invigorating  exercise;  that  a tom-boy  robustness 
is  inimical  to  purity;  and  hence  that  delicate  girls  must  be  housed-up 
in  parlors  and  seminaries,  and  watched  with  eagle  eye,  lest  they 
should  hear  some  rude  word  not  so  very  proper ; whereas,  in  fact, 
romps  are  most  modest  and  least  in  danger,  because  all  their  func- 
tions, love  included,  are  normal,  so  that  improprieties  pass  u in  at 
one  ear  and  out  at  the  other;”  whereas,  nervous  sentimentality  and 
housed-up  precocity  both  prematurely  weaken  and  pervert  this  love 
sentiment;  keep  its  victims  ever  on  the  alert  for  some  coquettish 
adventure ; titter  at  the  sight  of  young  men  ; sniffle  over  love-sick 
novels;  and  become  the  less  pure  the  more  mawkish.  Romping  is 
as  indispensable  a precursor  to  womanliness  as  spring  to  summer,  or 
growth  to  maturity.  These  hot-house  precocities  may  barely  last 
till  marriage,  but  become  insipid  ever  afterward,  while  those  who 
have  laid  a good  physical  base  in  rough  plays  and  tom-boy-frolics 
will  both  make  the  best  wives  and  mothers,  and  last  down  to  a good 
old  age.  Men,  women,  fathers,  mothers,  are  these  things  so  ? Tes- 
tify, ye  who  know  by  experience.  Instead  of  misleading  others  by 
pocketing  your  own  error,  rather  become  beacons  to  guard  others 
against  making  like  wrecks  on  the  same  fatal  shoal.  Proclaim  the 
honest  truth.  And  ye  who  have  eyes  to  look,  and  can  trace  effects 
and  causes,  think  what  must  be.  and  let  one  and  all  help  obviate  this 
greatest  of  individual  and  national  calamities — 

FEMININE  FEEBLENESS  ! 

Let  parents  and  public  sentiment  commence  the  reform  by  encour- 
aging girls  in  romping,  and  young  men  help  it  onward  by  hating  on 


FEMININE  FEEBLENESS. 


245 


their  matrimonial  standard.  c;Good  health,  or  no  wives.”  Let  them 
take  their  prospective  on  a ten-mile  pedal  jaunt,  and  not  ask  her  a 
second  time  if  she  gives  out  the  first.  And  let  mammas  remember, 
that  simple  food,  early  rising,  plenty  of  exercise,  less  art  and  more 
nature,  less  finnified  fixings  and  more  substantial  qualities,  less  deli- 
cacy with  more  stamina,  less  study  with  more  play,  less  make-be- 
lieves with  more  realities,  less  rouge  with  more  oxygen,  and  less 
fashionableness  with  more  womanliness,  will  render  them  infinitely 
better  fitted  for  the  important  relations  of  wife  and  mother,  and  far 
more  marriageable  than  the  converse.  Are  not  most  fashionable 
usages  at  war  with  nature?  Mere  make-believes?  Not  to  fee,  but 
only  to  seem?  After  close  school-room  application  has  warped  the 
spine  and  distorted  the  shoulders,  instead  of  remedying  the  error  by 
right  exercise,  which  is  easy,  it  is  enough  to  dress  the  one  straight, 
and  fill  out  the  other  with  Alabama  ! If  the  form  is  faulty,  enough 
that  the  mantua-maker  makes  it  appear  faultless.  Not  to  become , but 
make-believe  is  the  modern  motto.  Indeed,  what  is  fashion  but  a prac- 
tically out-and-out  hypocrite — a proud,  stuck-up,  haughty,  distant 
importation,  a pretense,  not  a reality.  Away  with  her.  If  she  were 
a soap-bubble  doing  no  damage,  women  might  amuse  themselves  with 
her  phantasmagorias  * but  since  she  not  only  deforms  and  enfeebles  the 
body,  but  rifles  the  heart  of  nature’s  loveliest  work  : when  she  is  effect- 
ing the  wholesale  ruin  of  lovely  woman  and  darling  childhood — let 
me  raise  voice  and  pen  against  her  hypocritical  sway.  Think  you, 
young  man,  that  proud  consequential  miss,  dressed  to  kill,  sitting  in 
state,  walking  in  state,  thumping  the  piano  in  state,  requiring  service 
of  all,  yet  serving  none,  will  make  you  the  better  wife  for  all  these 
fashionable  airs  ? Why  are  men  thus  taken  with  mere  outside  show  ? 
Our  second  volume  will  answer.  Young  man,  you  require  simplicity 
and  naturalness,  instead  of  affectation.  One  whose  feelings  bubble  up 
like  a copious  spring,  and  flow  forth  in  unaffected  channels,  instead 
of  Miss  Nippy  McFlimsies.59 

Thank  Heaven  for  the  new  fashion  of  women  skating ! And  future 
generations  will  also  rejoice  with  joy  unspeakable.  We  hold  up  both 
hands,  and  go  in  with  might  and  main,  pen  and  tongue,  for  its  continu- 
ance and  universal  adoption.  Reference  is  had  to  the  custom  begin- 
ning to  be  adopted  in  cities,  of  renting  a few  acres  of  contiguous  ice, 
hiring  the  snow  kept  off*,  while  ladies  and  gentlemen  skate  together.' 
Such  skating  furnishes  the  very  best  of  female  exercise,  and  is  every 
way  calculated  to  benefit  both  sexes,  and  posterity.  Would  that  every 
village  and  school  district  would  but  follow  this  custom.  And  let 
the  female  dress  be  adapted  to  this  exercise,  and  especially  allow  full 


246 


GENERAL  MARITAL  QUALIFICATIONS. 


lung -inflation.  Would  that  some  similar  sport,  to  be  participated  in 
by  both  sexes,  could  be  devised  for  summer  recreation  also — playing 
ball,  calisthenic  exercises — anything,  but  something,  and  receive 
the  mark  of  ton . Would  to  Heaven  that  our  ton  fashions  could  but 
harmonize  with  true  human  character,  and  promote  its  development, 
for  we  would  then  recommend  them  more  heartily  than  we  now  de- 
nounce them.  Instead,  almost  every  fashionable  custom  destroys  and 
distorts  that  nature. 

57.  INDUSTRIOUS  AND  HOUSE-KEEPING  QUALITIES. 

Do-nothings  are  therefore  no-bodies.  Is  it  not  in  and  by  doing  that 
we  become?  Natural  talents,  however  great,  must  be  exerted , or  they 
dwindle.  All,  however  talented,  require  to  be  inspired  to  effort  by 
some  great  life-object.  Better  labor  to  re- augment  even  unnecessary 
wealth,  than  to  do  nothing.  But  those  who  prefer  to  live  on  their  in- 
come, should  choose  some  life-labor — self-improvement,  study,  politics, 
public  business,  reform,  private  or  public  improvements — something  on 
which  to  spend  their  force.  u Better  wear  out,  than  rust  out”  by  inertia. 
Rust  consumes  faster  than  wear.  Those  who  do  not  have  to  work  for 
a living,  should  at  least  work  for  fun , but  work  anyhow,  at  something. 
u He  that  will  not  work,  neither  shall  he  eat.”  Not  that  manual  labor 
is  absolutely  necessary,  but  that  something  to  do  is  an  absolute  neces- 
sity. In  all  conscience,  girls,  never  marry  drones. 

But  has  nature  exempted  woman  from  this  her  do-something 
necessity?  Not  at  all.  She  may  choose  what:  but  absolutely  must 
do  something . And  what  as  natural  as  house-keeping?  Not  but  that 
she  can  be  a good  wife  yet  poor  house-keeper,  or  poor  house-keeper 
yet  good  wife,  but  that  a good  wife  is  far  better  for  being  a good 
house-keeper  in  addition.  House  must  be  kept,  and  wife  must  do 
something.  Then  why  not  she  keep  house  ? Hirelings  may  answer, 
but  owners  how  much  better  ? As  in  everything, 

“ He  that  by  the  plow  would  thrive, 

Himself  must  either  hold  or  drive;” 

so  no  family  is  fit  to  live  in  unless  its  wife  and  mother  is  at  the  head 
of  its  wardrobe,  laundry,  store-room,  and  kitchen.  Obviously,  she 
should  prepare  her  children’s  food  with  her  own  hands,  for  this  trust 
is  too  important  to  be  delegated.  Then  why  not  also  that  of  the 
husband  at  the  same  time  ? In  the  true  family  it  is  mother  here, 
mother  there,  mother  everywhere,  and  for  everything.  If  a child 
hurts  itself,  or  a bleeding  finger  requires  doing  up,  or  any  advice  is 
wanted,  etc.,  etc.,  all  involuntarily  run  right  to  ‘‘  mother.”  She  is 


INDUSTRIOUS  AND  HOUSE- KEEPING  QUALITIES. 


247 


the  great  “sympathetic  nerve”  of  the  whole  family,  its  natural  in- 
door head  and  director,  because  she  should  love  husband  and  children 
devotedly,  and  love  always  involuntarily  does  and  keeps  doing  for 
those  beloved.28  29  And  this  re-increases  her  and  their  affections. 
The  modern  error  of  educating  woman  mainly  for  ornament  is  cardi- 
nal, whereas  nature  requires  her  to  become  a helpmeet.  A good 
wife  must  take  right  hold  with  head,  heart,  and  hand  of  whatever 
her  husband  does  ; whereas,  the  fashionable  idea  is  that  he  must  do 
all , while  she  only  glitters  in  fashionable  furbelows.  Not  that  she 
should  not  be  ornate.  Her  natural  beauties  require  to  be  shown  to  the 
very  best  advantage.  But  “handsome  is  that  handsome  doesf  more 
than  dresses.  That  which  is  best  generally  looks  best,  of  which  fruit 
furnishes  an  illustration.  Moreover,  whatever  is  ornamental  is  also 
useful , and  ornamental  because  useful.  Use  is  ornament,  and  orna- 
ment use,  the  world  over.  The  two  combine  in  nature,  and  should  in 
a wife.  Nor  is  she  ever  as  charming  as  when  doing  something  to 
render  others  happy.  Give  me  one  who  can  bake  and  wash,  -pick  and 
cook  esculents,  make  bread  and  butter,  cut  and  sew,  and  cater  to  the 
creature  comforts  of  her  family.  Not  that  half  the  domestic  work  now 
required  is  at  all  necessary,  nor  that  wife  should  be  all  work,  but  that 
she  should  unite  the  house-keeper  with  the  lady  and  wife. 

Yet  the  majority  of  the  Miss  Young  Americas  rarely  ever  do  much 
about  house,  and  are  mortally  ashamed  if  caught  at  work.  If  on 
calling  to  see  your  lady-love  you  find  her  usefully  employed — of  which 
there  is  little  danger — she  apologizes  for  being  in  her  working-dress, 
and  seems  ashamed  to  have  it  known  that  she  ever  does  anything 
useful,  be  careful  not  again  to  trouble  her  ladyship  by  any  subse- 
quent call.  She  is  quite  too  much  of  a lady  for  any  but  dandies. 
But  if  she  seems  rather  proud  than  ashamed  to  be  found  in  working 
habiliments — keep  going.  Said  an  eminent  divine: 

“ Obliged  to  leave  my  native  town  for  the  seminary  early  Monday 
morning,  in  bidding  acquaintances  good-bye,  I called  on  a young 
woman  I thought  some  of  marrying,  but  was  still  undecided.  I 
found  her  with  sleeves  rolled  up,  perspiring  over  the  wash-tub.  But 
she  received  me  just  as  pleasantly  as  she  had  ever  before  done  in  her 
best  dress,  seemingly  unconscious  but  that  she  was  as  proud  of  this 
as  that,  and  without  any  appearance  of  hesitation.  This  determined 
my  choice  • and  she  has  indeed  been  a blessed  helpmeet,  and  made 
up  by  her  economy  and  excellent  house-keeping  qualities,  for  the  in- 
sufficiency of  my  salary,  besides  relieving  me  of  domestic  cares.” 
Mechanical  skill — manual  dexterity  with  the  needle  and  scissors 
in  whatever  requires  cutting,  mending,  and  making — is  also  an  im- 


248 


GENERAL  MARITAL  QUALIFICATIONS. 


portant  addenda  to  house-keeping  talents.  To  be  able  to  cut  out  as 
well  as  make  up  garments,  and  cut  large  ones  out  of  small  patterns, 
and  buy  cheap  besides,  to  run  a sewing-machine,  and  save  millinery 
and  other  bills,  is  quite  as  useful  an  accomplishment  as  painting  or 
French,  besides  enabling  her  to  adorn  table  and  parlor,  boudoir  and 
laundry,  with  various  ornamental  and  useful  articles,  painting  in- 
cluded, to  Deautify  home  and  redouble  its  comforts. 

But  while  nature  requires  both  husband  and  wife  to  do  for  each 
other,  she  also  requires  him  to  do  most  for  her,  of  which,  however,  in 
Volume  II.  Moreover,  many  do-nothing  girls  make  excellent  house- 
keeping wives.  Loth  to  keep  their  father’s  house  because  not  theirs, 
they  yet  take  excellent  care  of  their  own.  The  great  requisite  is, 
that  they  have  a right  spirit  and  a willing  hand  in  case  occasion 
should  require.  Circumstances  will  do  the  balance. 

Yet  many  wives  voluntarily  over- work,  literally  spoiling  their  lives 
by  assuming  too  much  family  care,  and  keep  themselves  completely 
worn  out  with  work.  A wife  is  too  precious  to  become  a drudge. 
And  generally,  except  in  upper-tendom,  American  wives  do  too  much 
rather  than  too  little.  Of  which  in  Part  III. 

Still,  there  are  many  Lord  Blessingtons  who,  having  plenty  of  ser- 
vants, and  more  money  than  they  can  spend,  require  some  lovely 
charming  creature  to  help  use  up  their  income  : on  whom  doting  hus- 
bands can  lavish  all  that  wealth  and  masculine  fondness  can  bestow 
on  female  loveliness:  who  shall  be  the  petted  mother  of  his  petted 
children;  she  giving  her  whole  being  to  him  and  them,  and  he  his  to 
her.  But  must  such  a wife  necessarily  be  an  idler  ? Does  she  not 
necessarily  in  nursing  her  children  do  most  of  all?  Do  not  they  who 
do  for  her  thereby  do  mainly  for  them?  Such  husbands  require 
neither  economical  nor  house-keeping  wives,  but  only  u a love  of  a 
woman.” 

58.  MARRYING  FOR  MONEY. 

Dollars  never  bind  hearts.  Love  alone  ever  does  or  can  become  the 
bond-principle  of  a true  hearty  conjugal  union.  Moreover,  marriages 
for  money  on  either  side  break  nature’s  conjugal  laws,  and  neces- 
sarily incur  their  penalties.  Such  marriages  punish  themselves. 

Girls  may  and  should  look  well  to  a family  support,  but  are  not 
good  health  and  willing  hands  quite  as  reliable  as  ready  money?  If 
a proposer  has  any  even  ordinary  work  or  business,  and  is  then  passa- 
bly industrious,  certainly,  with  a good  fair  start,  love  will  /guarantee 
the  required  support. 

Nor  should  young  men  postpone  marriage  merely  to  first  either 
provide  a home  or  make  a fortune,  for  a good  wife  is  the  best  help- 


MARRYING  FOR  MONEY. 


249 


meet  in  both.  As  birds  always  pair  before  building,  why  not  also  the 
human  pair?  In  order  that  a wife  may  fully  enjoy  or  keep  your 
house,  it  requires  to  be  ours,  the  joint  production  of  your  united  heads 
and  hands.  Ours  in  planning,  ours  in  building,  thereby  applying 
that  own  principle  already  applied  in  marriage.44 

However,  a woman  looking  well  to  necessary  creature  comforts 
is  one  thing,  yet  marrying  for  an  establishment  is  quite  another.  Still, 
how  many,  rendered  heartless  by  interrupted  love,  turn  fortune- 
hunters?  Said  a despicable  female  hypocrite,  “I  did  not  marry  him 
for  love,  but  only  for  his  money. ” And  the  way  such  will  make  the 
money  fly  is  a caution.  Wherein  do  they  differ  from  u women  of 
pleasure,”  except  that  the  one  prostitutes  herself  illegally,  the  other 
legally,  while  both  obtain  their  “ establishment'7  by  precisely  the 
same  means?  Better  get  it  illegally,  and  ruin  but  one.  Worse  than 
even  to  rob  for  it.  And  those  who  marry  with  little  love  and  much 
pride,  had  better  remain  single  than  prostitute  love  on  the  altar  of 
vanity  * for  love  is  infinitely  sacred,  and  punishes  all  forms  of  its 
prostitution.  Robbers  is  the  very  epithet  for  such  heartless  miscre- 
ants. Yet  robbery  is  but  the  smallest  part  of  their  crime,  for  such  a 
life  as  they  will  lead  him,  can  better  be  imagined  than  described. 
And  those  men  who  have  money  must  look  sharply,  for  vixen  snares 
beset  them  on  all  sides.  Yet  such  are  usually  “ diamond  cut  dia- 
mond^— all  but  the  diamond  part. 

Yet  since  fortune-hunting  women  deserve  all  this,  what  can  be 
said  bad  enough  of  that  masculine — man  he  is  not — who  seeks  to 
marry  for  a fortune  merely  ? Shameless  hypocrite  ! Pretending  to 
love  her,  yet  caring  only  for  her  money  ! Spider  ! Coiling  your  web 
around  your  victim’s  heart,  only  that  you  may  live  on  her  life’s  blood  ! 
If  money  is  your  main  motive,  say  so  in  honest  truthfulness,  not  lie 
right  out,  and  in  action  at  that ; for  a practical  lie  lived  out  is  ten-fold 
meaner  in  itself,  more  destructive  to  its  victim,  more,  every  way 
devilish,  than  when  uttered  merely.  And  telling  such  a lie  to  a 
woman  at  that ! And  she  young  ! And  coaxing  her  to  love  you  for 
it  besides  ! You  dastardly  hypocrite ! You  despicable  villain  ! 
Gamblers  are  no  comparison  to  you  in  moral  turpitude,  because  they 
profess  to  rob,  while  you  rob  in  the  most  despicable  disguise  man  can 
assume  to  woman.  Verily,  this  is  “stealing  the  livery  of  heaven  to 
serve  the  devil  in!”  A thief  and  robber  are  saints  in  comparison ; 
for  they  rarely  steal  all,  while  you  grasp  the  whole!  They  rob  men, 
and  only  dollars,  while  you  rob  a female,  of  both  purse  and  heart! 
And  of  heart  only  to  get  purse  ! They  rob  by  night,  while  you  de- 
liberately plan  and  execute  your  damnable  plot  by  dav  and  night,  for 

11* 


250 


GENERAL  MARITAL  QUALIFICATIONS. 


consecutive  months.  They  rob  strangers,  but  you  an  intimate  ! They 
under  cover  of  darkness,  you  under  that  of  love!  They  steal  keys 
to  make  duplicates,  while  you  steal  the  affections  of  a confiding,  lovely 
woman,  that  you  may  thereby  revel  in  the  patrimony  her  doting 
father  has  laid  up  for  her  life-long  support  ! If  there  is  any  one 
human  being  more  hypocritical,  more  despicable,  more  damnable  even 
— no  epithets  can  equal  the  reality — -than  any  other,  it  is  he  who  courts 
and  marries  a woman  for  her  money  ! And  deserves  the  direst  of  all 
penalties  ! Do  not  mock  the  subject  by  talking  about  deserving  u tar 
and  feathers.”  Nor  even  the  gibbet.  But  the  hottest  place  at  the 
bottom  of  the  pit  below  is  not  too  great  a punishment  for  so  great  a 
crime.  Because,  mark,  after  thus  robbing  a doting  woman  under  the 
guise  of  love,  you  turn  round  and  abuse  her  ! Must.  Can  not  help 
it,  since  you  live  with  her  without  loving  her.  Hide  her  heart , 
besides  robbing  her  purse.  Robbing  for  dollars  merely  is  a virtue  in 
comparison  with  breaking  her  soul,48  for  this  shortens  her  life  and 
spoils  it  the  little  time  she  does  survive  this  death  of  her  affections  ! 

Think  you  retributive  nature  will  let  such  a crime  i!go  unwhipt  of 
justice?”  If  she  did,  the  very  stones  would  cry  out  for  vengeance.” 
She  makes  sure  work.  Her  aim  is  deadly.  Not  one  infringement  of 
her  laws  ever  goes  unpunished.  And  she  apportions  her  penalties 
to  your  crime.  Envy  not  him — Satan  incarnate — who  marries  a 
woman’s  money*  for  nature  will  torment  him  while  he  lives,  torture 
him  when  he  dies,  and  redouble  her  penalties  forever  ! She  u will  not 
let  the  wicked  go  unpunished.”  And  she  visits  iniquity”  in  the 
direct  line  of  the  transgression — in  this  case  the  marital.  And  makes 
the  sin  the  means  of  the  suffering.  u Not  only  in  the  day ,”  but  in 
the  wav,  thou  sinnest,  thou  shalt  surely  die.”  Such  sin,  in  and  of 
itself,  causes  its  own  suffering.  And  thus.  In  and  by  marrying  her 
money,  you  assume  a dependent  position  Are  supported.  And  by  a 
female  at  that ! Verily,  poltroon,  if  you  really  must  be  supported, 
why,  do  in  all  conscience  go  to  the  county  poor-house,  instead  of  the 
matrimonial.  And  if  she  has  any  sense — good  enough  for  you  if  she 
has  not  — she  will  catch  you  at  it,  and  then  the  w*ay  she  will  put  you 
under  the  harrow,  and  harrow  you  worse  than  any  other  toady  ever 
w*as  harrowed,  is  a caution  to  toadies  ! Let  an  anecdote  illustrate  : 

A man — rather  “ feller” — in  Troy,  married  a woman’s  money,  she 
being  throwm  in — and  it  sometimes  takes  piles  of  money  to  render 
the  throw-in  even  bearable — wfith  wffiich  a splendid  riding  estab- 
lishment wTas  procured,  in  which  she  wranted  to  ride  to  Amsterdam 
with  another  man,  to  which  he  objected ; w^hen  she  replied : u But, 
sir.  I wrould  have  you  know  it  was  my  money  that  bought  that  estab- 


MARRYING  FOR  MONEY. 


251 


lishment,  and  I mean  to  ride  when,  where,  and  with  whom  I please, ” 
and  might  have  added,  and  doubtless  did  in  feeling,  “ and  you,  puppy, 
must  grin  and  bear  it.” 

“And  it  was  your  money  that  bought  me  too”  he  mutters  between 
his  teeth.  How  do  you  think  you  would  feel  all  sold  out  ? All 
bought  up  ? And  by  a woman  at  that  ? And  doubtless  cheated  your 
buyer  even  then.  Fie  on  you  ! Have  a woman  pay  your  tailor’s 
bills,  ha  ! And  you  dance  attendance  in  return  ! But  didn’t  she 
“pay  dear  for  her  whistle,”  though?  “ I bought  you  * see  that  you 
mind.  I bought  you  cheap ; see  that  you  serve  well.”  And  she  will 
thrust  her  money  and  your  menial  dependence  into  your  face  every 
hour  of  your  life.  In  look,  in  act,  in  word,  somehow,  anyhow,  every- 
how.  And  you,  poor  coot,  must  grin  and  bear  it,  too  ! Good  enough 
for  you.  Served  you  right,  you  hypocritical  robber  ! 

A Quaker  worth  two  shillings,  married  a Quakeress  worth  three, 
who  twitted  him  every  little  while  thus:  “ Anyhow,  I was  worth  the 
most  at  our  marriage  !” 

Independence  is  an  attribute  of  manliness.  Give  to  me  to  make 
my  own  fortune,  rather  than  even  to  inherit  it.  Much  less  to  marry 
it.  Let  me  not  live  by  even  the  sweat  of  a father’s  brow.  Much 
less  by  that  of  a father-in-law.  Enough  that  I derive  my  life,  name, 
and  character  from  my  parents.  As  soon  as  old  enough,  let  me  earn 
my  own  w^ay.  Is  there  no  glory  in  the  life-consciousness  that  one  has 
carved  out  his  own  fortune  ? And  let  me  rather  support  my  wife, 
than  be  supported  by  her.  Almost  rather  not  live,  than  live  depend- 
ent. Why,  if,  in  this  age,  when  energy  is  so  amply  rewarded,  I 
couldn’t  support  both  myself  and  family,  I would  hunt  up  or  drive  up 
some  old  rusty  nail,  ’way  down  back  behind  the  cellar  door,  and  hang 
myself  up  on  it,  and  dry  out  there,  and  have  done  with  it.  And  yet 
there  are  poor  poltroons  enough  standing  ready  to  be  bought  for  less 
than  the  price  of  a good  Virginia  slave  ! Outrageous  ! this  venality 
of  marriage.  What  of  the  marital  relations  of  those  countries  and 
classes  who  practice  it,  of  which  France  furnishes  an  example?  Hei* 
marriages  are  mainly  venal,  and  each  wife  has  her  “ chore  ami ” — her 
beaux  and  lovers — wholly  irrespective  of  her  husband,  who  only  pos- 
sesses her  purse  and  fortune,  but  another  her  heart.  And  would  this 
were  all  ! How  long  since  the  papers  told  the  story  of  England's 
richest  heiress,  glistening  in  diamonds  to  be  sure,  but  evincing  the 
most  hopeless  melancholy  in  the  midst  of  the  gayest  assembly. 
Religious  herself,  she  had  loved  a divine.  But  her  proud  family  in- 
sisted that  she  should  not  marry  him.  She  paid  them  back  by  perti- 
naciously refusing  to  marry  at  all,  and  is  to-day  miserable  in  spite  of 


252 


GENERAL  MARITAL  QUALIFICATIONS. 


untold  riches,  and  more  hopelessly  wretched  than  her  penniless  wash- 
er-woman. Nature  always  does  and  always  must  punish  such 
breaches  of  her  laws  by  spoiling  the  life  of  both  the  victims.  Their 
doom  we  have  already  discussed.45  t0  48  Nor  is  there  any  escape,  for 
nature  is  inexorable.  Did  not  the  world-renowned  conjugal  diffi- 
culties of  Lady  Norton  originate  in  a monetary  alliance?  Are  not 
derelictions  from  virtue  the  natural  results  of  marrying  for  money  ?46 
Have  we  not  proved  that  love  alone  is  the  guardian  of  virtue?  A 
rich,  proud,  stern  father  obliges  his  daughter  to  marry  one  she 
loathes.  This  compels  her  either  to  die  broken-hearted,  or  else  to 
love  outside  of  wedlock,  the  necessary  consequence  of  which  is  either 
infidelity,  or  else  the  starvation  of  her  love  element.46  46  47 

Or  a virtuous  young  man  tenderly  loves  a poor  but  sweet  young 
girl.  His  proud  mother  and  rich  father  interfere  and  break  his  virtue 
by  breaking  his  love.45  He  now  hardly  cares  whom  he  marries,  or 
whether  faithful  to  his  merely  legal  vows.  What  inducement  has  he  ? 
Nor  as  a general  rule  is  it  wise  to  marry  much  above  or  below  your 
own  station  in  life,  because  it  involves  different  habits,  education, 
associations,  etc.  Though  a poor,  uneducated,  but  right  good  stami- 
nate  girl  may  indeed  make  a rich  man  a better  wife  than  a rich  in- 
ferior one,  yet  her  poverty  rather  unfits  than  fits  her  for  her  new 
station.  Still,  much  more  depends  on  the  girl  than  her  station  merely. 
Yet,  two  can  step  together  upon  a given  platform  all  the  easier  by 
stepping  from  a similar  one. 

But  there  are  cases  in  which  a poor  man  may  properly  marry  a rich 
girl;  especially  where  she  loves  and  makes  advances  first.40  Or  at 
least  readily  seconds  his.  Where  she  esteems  his  talents,  education, 
and  virtues  as  an  ample  offset  for  her  fortune,  and  loves  him  so  well 
that  she  is  right  glad  to  bestow  her  fortune  along  with  herself,  on  one 
she  esteems  as  every  way  worthy  of  both.  If  she  loves  him  well 
enough  either  to  place  him  on  her  social  position,  or  else  herself  on 
his,  all  is  right.  So  far  from  being  humbled  or  becoming  dependent 
thereby,  he  but  receives  a complimentary  present.  All  the  better, 
though  quite  unlikely,  if  her  parents  and  relatives  second  her.  If 
she  and  they  virtually  say,  ci  We  furnish  the  money,  you  mind  ; we 
position,  you  brains  ; we  the  means,  you  the  work  ; and  are  even,” 
by  all  means  let  them  marry.  Always  and  everywhere  provided  that 
both  love. 

And  many  rich  parents  require  that  their  daughters  marry  mind , 
and  the  human  capacities  and  excellences  rather  than  dollars.  They 
can  easily  lift  him  upon  their  social  platform  without  lowering  them- 
selves and  may  stand  in  special  need  of  his  constitution,  vigor,  am- 


MARRYING  FOR  MONEY. 


258 


bition,  talents,  and  soul,  both  to  carry  on  their  business,  and  keep  up 
the  talents  of  the  family.  How  infinitely  better  that  rich  girls  should 
marry  poor  men  than  rich  things — intellectual  and  noble  men  in 
preference  to  rich  and  brainless  sensualists  ! How  many  really  fine 
girls  are  completely  spoiled  for  life  by  being  prevented  from  marrying 
excellent  young  men  whose  only  crime  is  their  poverty,  but  who 
would  have  been  godsends  to  the  whole  family  by  sustaining  their 
business  and  standing,  and  transmitting  human  excellences  to  their 
descendants  ! 

Besides,  think  a little  before  you  sacrifice  that  charming  girl  on  the 
altar  of  family  pride.  Is  she  not  too  precious?  Can  you  afford  to 
throw  away  her  life  on  a mere  name  ? 

In  view  of  these  principles,  how  unparental,  how  even  monstrous, 
to  disinherit  children  because  they  marry  contrary  to  parental  wishes  ! 
True,  parents  have  an  undoubted  right  to  do  what  they  please  with 
their  property,  yet  how  barbarous  to  hate  one’s  own  children  ! By  a 
law  of  nature  and  things,  parents  should  love  even  had  children,  and 
especially  good  ones  devotedly.  And  does  not  love  always  indulge , not 
cross 7 Human  nature  can  hardly  perpetuate  a greater  outrage  on 
their  children  than  to  rupture  their  affections.  Most  outrageous, 
then,  for  parents  to  cross  them  in  matters  which  lie  so  very  near 
their  hearts,  and  exert  so  controlling  an  influence  over  their  lives  and 
destinies  ? No  true  parent  ever  can  or  will  do  it ! 

But  worst  of  all,  to  cast  out  a delicate,  pampered  daughter  upon 
the  cold  charities  of  a heartless  world,  and  thereby  proclaim  to  that 
world  that  she  is  so  bad  that  even  her  parents  are  obliged  to  disown 
her  * thereby  forewarning  all  not  to  come  near  the  vile  thing  for  fear 
of  contamination — really,  what  greater  outrage  can  be  perpetrated 
upon  a true,  loving,  and  genuine  woman  ? But  it  reflects  more  on 
them  than  her. 

“ But  my  daughter  has  disobeyed  me,  and  in  a most  important 
matter.” 

Yet  it  is  in  a matter  in  which  you  had  no  right  to  command.  Nor 
was  she  under  any  obligations  to  obey.  Her  obedience  to  you  would 
have  been  disobedience  to  nature , and  destructive  to  self. 

u But  she  has  disgraced  us  and  herself  by  marrying  one  far  below 
both.” 

Below  in  what?  In  dollars  merely!  Yret  is  he  not  as  far  above 
you  in  human  excellence , as  below  in  station?  And  it  requires  but 
little  humanity  to  outweigh  much  wealth  ! 

The  mere  fact  that  she  loves  him  is  one  of  the  strongest  recommend* 
ations  in  his  favor,  unless  you  virtually  accuse  her  of  loving  badness. 


254 


GENERAL  MARITAL  QUALIFICATIONS. 


Yet  granted  that  she  loves  inferiority,  does  not  this  render  your 
darling  daughter’s  lot  hard  enough  without  your  superadding  to  it 
disinheritance,  disgrace,  and  the  loss  of  your  affections  besides? 

Yet  in  most  cases  like  this,  the  young  man  is  conceded  to  be  good, 
talented,  and  every  way  worthy,  except  in  wealth.  Really,  are  dollars 
so  much  more  valuable  in  your  eyes  than  human  excellence  ? We 
rarely  esteem  what  we  do  not  possess.  Because,  “ sour  grapes  to  us.” 
Hence,  your  estimating  talents  and  morals  so  lightly,  and  dollars  so 
highly,  proclaims  your  own  intellectual  and  moral  inferiority,  while 
your  unsophisticated  daughter  recommends  herself  by  loving  genuine 
human  excellence,  though  found  in  humble  life. 

But  that  girl  who  voluntarily  forsakes  relatives,  station,  affluence, 
and  fine  prospects — who  sacrifices  so  much,  and  in  so  many  different 
ways,  for  the  man  she  loves — deserves  all  the  affection  it  is  in  his 
power  to  return.  And  to  abuse  or  even  neglect  a woman  who  has 
made  such  a sacrifice,  no  matter  if  she  is  faulty,  is  meanness  a little 
meaner,  and  wickedness  a little  more  wicked,  than  even  marrying  for 
money — than  anything  else  one  human  being  can  perpetrate  upon 
another,  and  especially  a man  on  a woman. 

And  whEffc  is  true  of  marrying  for  riches  is  equally  true  of  marry- 
ing for  station,  or  any  or  all  motives  other  than  those  of  true  genuine 
affection. 

The  summing  up  of  this  whole  matter,  then,  is  simply  this,  that 
wealth,  as  such,  should  u have  no  part  nor  lot”  whatever  in  deter- 
mining the  matrimonial  choice,  although  unobjectionable,  perhaps 
even  desirable,  when  genuine  love  really  exists.  All  depends  on 
their  love , nothing  on  dollars.  Mutual  affection  is  infinitely  above  all 
considerations,  and  should  be  held  by  all  parties  as  sacred  and  in- 
violable. 

59.  HANDSOME  AND  PLAIN  ; OR  BELLES,  BEAUX,  BEAUTIES,  ETC. 

That  genuine  beauty  signifies  true  human  excellence,  is  a funda- 
mental natural  truth,  applicable  alike  to  fruit,  animal,  and  man, 
and  of  course  to  marital  companionship.  Nature’s  externals  always 
correspond  with  her  internals.  True  beauty  signifies  a fine-grained 
organism,  along  with  mental  and  moral  superiority,  and  can  not  well 
be  overrated. 

The  determining  question  here  is,  in  what  true  beauty  consists  ? 
That  is,  why  is  this  one  more  beautiful  than  that  ? This  subject  calls 
up  that  analysis  of  sexual  beauty  to  be  discussed  in  Volume  II.  Suf- 
fice here,  that  opinions  on  no  subject  are  as  vague  and  erroneous  as 
on  this. 


HANDSOME  AND  PLAIN. 


255 


What  is  generally  called  beauty  is.  rather,  prettiness,  and  might 
properly  be  designated  by  u fancy  touches.”  This  kind  of  beauty  is 
indeed  only  “ skin  deep,”  and  of  little  account.  Such  generally  make 
plainer  women  than  plain  girls.  The  great  question  is,  not  how  good 
a looking  girl  she  is:  but,  how  fine  a looking  woman  will  she  make ? 
Will  her  good  looks  last?  Marriage  is  for  a lifetime.  Mere  pret- 
tiness soon  fades,  while  a more  substantial  outline  face  grows  more 
pleasing  with  years.  How  will  that  beauty  look  when  a mother , and 
perhaps  spare  instead  of  fleshy  ? Pale,  not  florid,  and  otherwise 
changed,  per.haps  a plain  one  will  be  changed  less  ) and  really  the 
best  looking. 

Yet  a decidedly  ugly-looking  woman,  though  she  may  be  very  good, 
kind,  loving,  industrious,  and  much  more  besides,  has  after  all  some 
marked  imperfections  of  character,  and  lacks  a certain  style  concom- 
itant with  female  character,  while  one  who  is  in  the  main  pretty,  but 
who  has  some  one  objectionable  feature,  will  generally  be  found  to 
have  some  very  objectionable  traits. 

Per  contra.  Belles  are  therefore  inherently  objectionable.  They 
make  the  very  poorest  of  wives.  Petted,  loved,  flattered,  besought, 
they  are  almost  certain  to  become  proud,  capricious,  and  imperious, 
and  require  you  to  be  like  their  other  beaux,  sycophantic,  and  over- 
look all  their  faults,  besides  virtually  saying,  when  any  little  diffi- 
culty arises,  u If  I had  married  either  of  my  other  admirers,  they  would 
not  have  treated  me  thus.”  Beauties  will  do  much  better  to  flirt  with 
than  to  marry,  but  ar q just  the  ones  for  fops. 

Yet,  simply  handsome  men  are  necessarily  indifferent,  for  they  lack 
stamina,  force,  character.  They  will  answer  for  beaux,  but  are  poorly 
calculated  to  satisfy  a genuine  woman’s  love.  A weak-minded  girl’s 
they  may,  but  woman  loves  power  in  man  much  more  than  finish.  He 
should  look  srrong  and  massive,  rather  than  merely  handsome.  In- 
deed, men  of  genius  are  almost  always  both  homely  and  awkward. 

Style,  Manners,  Presence,  naturally  come  under  this  head,  and 
are  governed  by  this  general  rule.  Style  in  a woman  is  most  desir- 
able, provided  it  is  well  sustained,  and  does  not  degenerate  into  mere 
stuck  up  pride.69  Does  she  make  a good  personal  appearance , and 
show  off  genteelly  ? Can  you  take  pride  in  introducing  her  to  your  old 
comrades,  as  if  practically  saying,  u This  is  my  beau-idealP  Refer- 
ence is  not  had  to  style  in  dress,  but  address — to  a certain  style  of 
character — very  different  from  boarding-school  airs,  for  it  is  inherent, 
not  assumed.  The  manners  of  a genuine  woman  will  be  taking,  pleas- 
ant, and  attractive,  besides  crowning  all  she  does  and  says  with  a cer- 
tain union  of  grace  with  dignity,  which  pleases  while  it  sways. 


256 


GENERAL  MARITAL  QUALIFICATIONS. 


Manners,  the  way  things  are  said  and  done,  are  peculiarly  expressive 
of  character,  and  should  be  scanned  attentively.  Not  that  we  pretend 
here  to  say  what  signifies  what,  but  only  to  call  attention  to  them  as 
especially  worthy  of  observation,  because  expressive  of  character.  An 
affected,  singular,  or  artificial  cast  of  manners  signifies  more  pride  than 
worth,  while  simplicity,  naturalness,  unaffectedness  in  walk,  expres- 
sion, and  manner  of  saying  and  doing  things,  signify  genuine  womanly 
nature,  along  with  a trueness  thereto  every  way  desirable. 

Nor  should  ladies  allow  dandyism,  or  foppery,  or  mere  external 
appearance  to  captivate  or  outweigh  that  more  manly  behavior  which 
springs  from  right  feelings , though  eclipsed  perhaps  by  bashfulness  or 
awkwardness.  Instead,  ask  yourself  whether  he  possesses  the  rudi- 
ments of  a good  behavior  ? Not  whether  he  is,  but  whether  he  can  be 
polished  ? Mark,  ladies,  that  many  rude  at  the  core,  often  show  their 
long  ears  in  a half-genteel  impudence  or  coarseness  of  manners  sugared 
over  with  a seemingly  refined  forwardness  which  awakens  laughter, 
and  goes  down  for  the  moment,  while  others  are  gentlemen  at  heart, 
though  retired.  “ Look  below  the  surface.” 

Yet  neither  extreme  forwardness  nor  bashfulness  is  desirable.  For- 
wardness coupled  with  eccentricity  is  more  objectionable  than  mere 
diffidence.  Women  generally  rate  forward  young  men  far  above,  but 
bashful  ones  far  below,  their  real  merits.  When  extreme  awkward- 
ness is  consequent  on  an  exalted  regard,  amounting  even  to  reverence 
for  the  female  sex,  it  becomes  the  very  highest  recommendation,  while 
a prompt,  forward,  familiar,  and  easy  air  may  spring  from  the  loss  of 
this  regard,  on  the  principle  that  u familiarity  breeds  contempt.”  But 
u a word  to  the  wise.” 

60.  COMMUNICATING  TALENTS  : MUSIC. 

The  expression  of  genuine  humanity  stands  second  only  to  its  posses- 
sion. Conversational,  speaking,  and  writing  talent  can  hardly  be  over- 
rated, yet  is  almost  wholly  overlooked.  Its  virtual  excellence,  in 
whichever  form,  justly  challenges  the  admiration  of  the  wprld,  past 
and  present,  savage  and  civilized,  learned  and  illiterate.  Yet  where- 
in does  conversational  eloquence  differ  from  forensic,  except  in  the 
number  of  its  listeners  ? Is  it  not  even  more  to  be  admired  in  the  cot- 
tage than  on  the  rostrum  ? 

Hence,  what  of  his  talent  for  expressing  himself?  What  of  her  con- 
versational powers  ? are  paramount  questions,  and  the  answers  most 
significant.  However  plain,  yet  if  her  ideas  flow  readily,  and  she 
clothes  them  in  appropriate  and  beautiful  language,  this  gift  recom- 
mends her  more  than  all  the  boarding-school  artificialities  and  milli* 


COMMUNIC ATIN G TALENTS:  MUSIC. 


257 


nery  furbelows  she  can  exhibit.  Does  she  warm  up  to  her  subject, 
and  impart  to  it  a certain  glow  and  interest  which  delights  and  in- 
structs ? Does  she  choose  words  which  connectedly  express  her  pre- 
cise meaning,  and  begin  her  sentences  at  the  right  end,  or  bungle  both  ? 
Is  she  grammatical ; or  does  she  murder  the  u King’s  English  ?”  Not, 
u Can  she  speak  French,”  but,  can  she  talk  elegantly?  It  matters 
little  whether  she  has  studied  grammar,  for  natural  conversational 
talent  will  evince  itself  irrespective  of  oratorical  aids,  which  of  course 
help.  Does  she  spoil  a good  story  by  telling  it  badly,  or  so  tell  it  as 
to  make  its  point  of  application  emphatic  ? Is  she  suggestive  ? Does 
she  make  you  think  and  feel  as  she  converses  ? Many  object  to  long 
female  tongues,  because  given  to  scandal ; whereas,  whether  one  talks 
well  or  ill  has  absolutely  nothing,  to  do  with  backbiting  ! Scandal  is 
consequent  on  a malevolent  spirit,  not  a C£  long  tongue.”  One  may 
say  but  little,  yet  misrepresent  that  little,  or  talk  much,  yet  give  a 
true  version  of  what  is  said.  Neglect  those  girls  who,  looking  through 
malevolent  glasses,  always  represent  things  as  worse  than  they  really 
are  * but  patronize  those  who  paint  whatever  they  attempt  to  say  or 
do  in  beautiful  handsome  colors. 

Equally  desirable  is  this  same  communicating  gift  in  men.  Should 
not  a wife  exult  in  beholding  her  husband’s  superior  conversational 
talents  draw  admiring  and  applauding  crowds  around  him?  Much 
more,  if  in  public  he  can  pour  forth  those  £*  thoughts  that  breathe 
and  words  that  burn,”  to  edify  and  improve  mankind.  Woman  always 
has  been,  will  be,  captivated  by  fine  speakers.  Be  it  that  they  are 
homely,  awkward,  even  rough,  so  that  they  speak  effectively  and  elo- 
quently, she  admires  and  loves — Clay  and  Webster  for  example. 

But  superior  composing  talents  in  both  are  equally  valuable.  Even 
more  so.  They  are  but  another  form,  and  that  the  most  potential,  of 
this  gift  of  expression.  True,  good  writers  are  sometimes  poor  speak- 
ers, yet  all  speak  as  they  write,  and  good  speakers  write  poorly  only 
because  prevented  by  diffidence,  or  want  of  practice,  or  like  causes, 
from  manifesting  this  same  talent  in  speaking. 

Good  corresponding  talents,  therefore,  should  be  highly  prized  by 
each  sex  in  the  other.  Choose  him,  her,  above  all  others  who  can 
write  a good  letter.  And  love  to  write.  And  write  fast  as  well  as 
easily.  Better  still,  those  who  write  poetry  and  essays  worthy  of  pub- 
lication. Most  of  all,  if  during  courtship  they  write  extra  good  love 
letters.  Smile  if  you  will,  but  this  gift  both  presupposes  clear  heads 
and  warm  hearts.  And  even  those  boarding-school  misses  who  wrrite 
truly  excellent  compositions  deserve  great  credit  and  good  husbands. 

But  neglect  those  who  can  think  of  but  little  to  say  or  write,  and 


258 


GENERAL  MARITAL  QUALIFICATIONS. 


express  that  little  bunglingly.  And  those  girls  who  “dress  to  kill,” 
assume  aristocratic  airs,  and  make  many  pretensions  to  ton , but  who 
use  coarse  or  common  language,  perhaps  even  “ slang  phrases,”  and 
an  inelegant,  perhaps  ungrammatical  style  of  expression,  may  do  for 
brainless  fops,  but  should  be  “ let  alone  severely”  by  those  in  search 
of  companions  worth  having.  Would  that  those  who  take  such  extra 
pains  to  accomplish  their  exteriors,  would  instead  take  more  to  accom- 
plish their  mentalities. 

This  “ long  tongue”  stigma  on  women,  then,  is  really  most  credit- 
able; and  “Blue  Stockings”  are,  therefore,  superior  women,  and  de- 
sirable wives.  Admitted  that  they  often  make  poor  wives  and  house- 
keepers, yet  is  this  not  mainly  because  they  lack  appreciative  hus- 
bands ? Has  not  Lucy  Stone,  despite  her  unpopular  platform,  been 
universally  admired  by  intelligent  men  ? Even  by  those  who  dislike 
her  doctrines  ? And  makes  she  not  as  good  a wife  as  speaker  ? Gen- 
erally, men  really  do  love  speaking  talents  in  women. 

“ But  why  lay  such  special  stress  on  communicating  talents?  A 
desirable  gift  to  be  sure,  but  why  so  extra  valuable?” 

First,  on  its  own  account  ! Let  her  with  whom  I have  to  spend  so 
large  a portion  of  my  life,  be  able  to  improve  and  amuse  me  by  saying 
vrell  wdiat  will  make  me  the  happier  and  better,  besides  giving  me 
much  to  think  and  talk  about. 

Again,  does  not  love  subsist  mainly  on  mind?  Then  must  not  that 
mind  be  expressed , in  order  to  its  being  loved  ? And  is  it  not  the 
more  lovable  the  better  it  is  expressed  ? And  still  more  in  husbands 
and  wives  than  lovers  merely  ? 

Woman,  do  you  not  love  those  men  whose  conversation  instructs 
you?  Who  give  you  seed  thoughts  which  also  make  you  think?  To 
whom  you  can  listen  enchained  by  the  hour  with  increasing  delight  ? 
Who  keep  talking  while  walking,  and  instruct  you  to  talk  in  return  ? 
Or  like  you  best  those  say-nothing  demures  who  keep  their  ideas  and 
feelings  to  themselves  ? Or  do  you  men  like  those  demure  girls  best 
who,  when  you  express  ideas  and  sentiments  which  ought  to  call  out 
hearty  responses,  barely  say,  “ Yes”  or  “ No  ?”  Who,  when  you  start 
conversation  on  this  subject,  let  it  drop,  and  oblige  you  to  start  another, 
only  to  see  it  drop  also  ? Or  those  who  sustain  and  contribute  to  the 
conversation  ? Those  with  whom  it  is  up-hill  work  to  converse,  or 
easy  ? 

But,  after  all,  the  main  value  of  this  gift  centers  in  its  hereditary 
endowment  of  children.  One  eloquent  descendant  is  worth  a score  of 
common  ones.  And  since  mothers  transmit  eloquence  more  than 
fathers — of  which  Clay,  Webster.  Henry  are  illustrious  examples — 


SCHOLARSHIP,  INTELLIGENCE,  AND  SENSE. 


259 


this  gift  become^  well-nigh  paramount  in  women,  and  atones  for  many 
faults.  My  countrymen,  do  you  fully  appreciate  female  conversational 
excellence?  Be  it  that  a French  lady  is  plain,  yet  if  she  discourses 
elegantly,  or  is  witty,  admiring  men  flock  around  her  as  though  they 
could  hardly  pay  sufficient  court  to  her.  Whereas,  if  an  American 
female  is  only  splendidly  dressed , she  is  courted,  however  poor  in  con- 
versational powers  ] while  those  not  fashionably  attired  are  neglected, 
though  endowed  with  conversational  powers  really  magnificent.  Then 
is  dress  so  far  above  mind ? Or  are  American  men  at  fault?  Do 
they  not  run  after  the  personal  woman  much  more  than  the  mental? 
And  most  miserable  are  its  marital  consequences. 

Chirography  is  also  significant  of  like  mental  qualities.  A good, 
open,  easy,  elegant  handwrite,  or  an  awkward,  stiff,  pinched  up,  irreg- 
ular cne,  is  indicative  of  like  traits  of  character. 

The  musical  gift  is  but  a branch  of  eloquence,  and  therefore  deserves 
a like  encomium.  Yet  while  per  se  it  stands  coequal  with  conversa- 
tional powers,  it  deserves  less  encomium  here,  because  its  intrinsic 
merits  are  less  overlooked.  It  therefore  remains  only  to  make  this 
important  distinction,  that  natural  genius  vastly  exceeds  acquired  abil- 
ity. Artificialities  are  good  enough,  as  far  as  they  go . which  is  not 
far,  either  after  marriage,  or  by  way  of  endowing  offspring.  While 
those  who  make  you  feel  what  they  sing  and  play,  who  awaken  soul 
because  they  express  it,  will  not  neglect  the  one  or  the  other  soon  after 
marriage. 

Yet  musical  genius  is  one  thing,  while  running  tandem  after  the 
opera,  and  lauding  foreign  artists,  is  quite  another,  and  amounts  to 
little.  Better  practice  home  music.  Yet  concerts  are  good  in  their 
places. 

61.  SCHOLARSHIP,  INTELLIGENCE,  AND  SENSE. 

Scholarship  is  already  so  generally  appreciated  as  to  require  but 
these  two  observations — that  a well  educated,  though  penniless  young 
man,  is  far  more  eligible  than  an  uneducated  rich  one;  and  one  well 
read  than  one  comparatively  ignorant ; that  one  who  learns  fast  and 
easily,  and  remembers  well,  though  blessed  with  few  advantages,  far 
exceeds  those  who  learn  with  difficulty,  though  well  drilled.  But  this 
is  only  another  commendation  of  natural  gifts  over  those  merely 
acquired. 

But  intelligence  is  far  more  valuable,  relatively,  than  scholarship, 
and  one  of  the  most  important  matrimonial  endowments.  Do  his  or 
her  sayings  and  doings  commend  themselves  to  your  own  good  sense 
and  that  of  others?  Which  candidate  thinks  most  clearly,  and  lays 


260 


GENERAL  MARITAL  QUALIFICATIONS. 


the  best  plans?  Which  devises  the  best  means  for  supplying  what  is 
required,  accomplishes  the  most  with  the  least,  makes  one  hand  wash 
the  other,  and  can  plan  best  under  difficulties?  That  is,  which  has 
the  most  intellect , and  especially  Causality?  The  difference  between 
different  persons  in  this  respect  is  indeed  surprising  ; and  staminate 
sense  is,  after  all,  the  great  point,  and  outweighs  many  minor  qualities. 
One  who  has  this  will  be  far  the  better  helper,  provider,  companion, 
and  every  way  the  more  desirable,  than  one  who  has  not.  Besides 
being  more  easily  cured  of  faults,  and  inoculated  with  right  doctrines 
and  practices.  How  infinitely  better  intelligence  and  reasoning  facul- 
ties, than  accomplishments  merely,  besides  being  the  great  governor 
of  the  feelings  ! 

62.  MORAL  STAMINA  INDISPENSABLE. 

We  would  read  no  maudlin  homily  on  the  general  value  of  honesty, 
integrity,  and  moral  stamina,  nor  even  elucidate  their  importance  to 
success  in  business,  or  a good  name  among  men ; but  proclaim  this 
eternal  truth,  that  if  a high  moral  tone,  along  with  uncompromising 
integrity  are  required  anywhere  in  life,  they  are  pre-eminently  demand- 
ed in  the  conjugal  relations.  Nothing  whatever  averts  love  as  soon  as 
their  deficiency.  Love  must  have  unlimited  confidence , or  perish  ! 
Moral  principle  naturally  elicits  affection,  while  trickery  and  all 
wrong-doing  are  fatal  to  love.  Conscientiousness,  located  on  the  top 
of  the  human  brain,  must  occupy  a like  supreme  place  in  the  conjugal 
relations. 

Worst  of  all.  This  deficiency  in  a companion  transmits  itself  to 
those  dear  children  on  whom  you  are  to  dote.  To  see  them  grow  up 
comparatively  regardless  of  the  right  ; unrestrained  from  wrong-doing 
by  a high  sense  of  duty,  and  irresponsive  to  conscientious  appeals,  is 
indeed  most  agonizing,  and  by  all  means  to  be  prevented  by  marrying 
only  those  endowed  with  large  Conscientiousness. 

I know  a most  excellent  woman — pious,  patient,  devout,  perfectly 
moral,  a perfect  pattern  wife  and  mother — who  would  no  more  do 
wrong  than  pluck  out  a right  eye,  and  who  regards  integrity  as  the 
highest  of  human  virtues,  by  marrying  a smart  but  tricky  man,  just 
cunning  enough  to  escape  the  clutches  of  the  law,  and,  being  really 
talented,  passes  respectably,  has  borne  him  a son  much  more  cunning 
than  the  father;  and  who,  when  fold  of  her  son’s  dishonest  tricks,  by 
which  he  could  have  easily  been  sent  to  a Southern  penitentiary,  and 
disgraced  the  whole  family,  seemed  to  writhe  in  a perfect  agony  of 
fear,  as  if  practically  saying,  u My  worst  fears  ere  finally  realized  ! I 
did  hope  my  prayers  and  counsels  would  have  saved  him.  But  no,  he 


DISPOSITION  OR  TEMPER,  KINDNESS,  ETC. 


261 


proves  incorrigible.  I expect  every  letter  will  inform  me  that  my 
once  loved  son.  whom  I nursed,  dandled,  and  baptized,  is  imprisoned  ! 
My  own  son,  of  whom  I hoped  so  much,  a thief  and  liar!  Oh,  I 
do  wish  he  had  never  been  born,  or  were  buried  !1?  What  soul- 
harrowing  pangs  must  torture  her  by  night  and  day,  and  from  his  first 
boyish  roguery  to  her  till  he  or  she  is  buried  ! Then  let  one  and  all 
forestall  an  eventuality  so  dreadful  by  marrying  those  endowed  with 
moral  principle,  or  large  Conscientiousness. 

Yet  one  can  have  too  much  of  a good  thing.  Very  large  Conscien- 
tiousness, with  an  irritable,  nervous  system,  and  active  Combativeness, 
is  worse  than  even  weak  Conscientiousness.  Such  think  their  ideas 
everything,  par  excellence , just  exactly  right,  and  whoever,  whatever, 
differ  therefrom,  most  wrong  and  wicked.  To  them  right  is  so  very 
right,  that  they  will  not  tolerate  the  slightest  deviation  from  their 
strait-jacket  standard.  While  wrong  is  to  them  so  very  wrong,  that 
its  every  item  deserves  unsparing  rebuke.  They  are  constitutionally 
sensorious.  Whoever  differs  from  their  narrow-minded,  bigoted  views, 
they  condemn  with  unmitigated  severity,  besides  attributing  the  worst 
of  motives  to  even  the  best  of  actions. 

But  your  conscience  is  something  te  you,  as  well  as  theirs  all  to 
them.  You  honestly  differ  from  them.  War  inevitably  ensues.  They 
blame  you,  and  thereby  freeze  your  love.21  23  24  You  are  conscientious 
in  your  views,  but  they  inexorable  in. theirs.  Though  they  mean  as 
well  as  human  being  can  mean,  yet  their  bigoted  intolerance  and  per- 
petual fault-finding  are  far  worse  than  moral  obtuseness.  They  u tithe 
mint,  anise  and  cummin/1  and  are  shocked  with  holy  horror  because  you 
do  not ! Nothing  comes  anywhere  near  up  to  their  extra-scrupulous 
standard.  They  indeed  blame  themselves  for  various  short-comings, 
yet  this  only  makes  them  blame  you  all  the  more.  And  a high-wrought 
temperament  renders  matters,  bad  enough  in  all  conscience  before, 
still  worse  ! Exact,  exacting,  inexorable,  unyielding,  retributive,  eter- 
nally condemning,  though  well  meaning  • stretching  you  and  all  others 
on  their  procrustean  bed,  and  cutting  off  those  too  long  but  stretching 
out  those  too  short — above  all  things,  deliver  me  from  both  extremes — 
extra  large  and  deficient  Conscientiousness. 

63.  DISPOSITION  OR  TEMPER,  KINDNESS,  ETC. 

The  natural  temper  or  temperament  is  most  important.  The  prac- 
tical value  of  a good  temper,  or  a sw~eet,  pleasant  disposition,  in  contra- 
distinction from  a cross-grained,  petulant  one,  can  hardly  be  overrated. 
It  makes  a world  of  difference  whether  a conjugal  companion  construes 
everything  in  the  worst  light,  or  in  the  best;  takes  things  adversely 


262 


GENERAL  MARITAL  QUALIFICATIONS 


and  frets  over  them,  or  smooths  and  makes  the  best  of  them  ; whether 
always  in  a fluster  and  a bustle,  or  quiet  and  even  tempered;  whether 
uniformly  patient,  or  perpetually  scolding;  whether  repelling,  or 
attracting;  irritating,  or  calming;  rough,  or  gentle;  spiteful,  or  soft; 
continually  creating  a disturbance,  or  making  peace  ; resentful,  or  for- 
giving ; overbearing,  or  forbearing;  waiting  on,  or  requiring  to  be 
waited  on  ; claims  the  best  for  self,  or  gives  it  to  others';  sending  off* 
this  brother  with  a box  on  the  ear,  and  that  with  a spiteful  push, 
“ There,  go  along,  and  do  as  I bid  you,77  or  asking  them  pleasantly. 
Above  all  things,  let  scolds  alone. 

I once  said,  in  a lecture,  “ Suppose  while  admiring  the  elegant  man- 
ners, musical  genius,  and  conjugal  and  matrimonial  excellences  of  a 
splendid  woman,  you  should  hear  her  scold,  however  justly,  would 
this  manifestation  of  temper  raise  or  lower  her  in  your  estimation  ?77 

“ It  would  lower  her, 77  said  an  auditor. 

“Perhaps  you  know  by  experience,  sir,77  I answered. 

“ Perhaps  I do,  sir,77  was  his  reply.  The  next  day  he  called, 
saying : 

“ I was  the  one  who  spoke  out  in  meeting  last  evening.  My 
reason  was  this.  I once  loved  and  was  betrothed  to  a girl  of  whom  1 
thought  the  world.  Our  wadding  day  appointed — her  dress  procured. 
I rode  over  to  spend  a summer  Sunday  evening  in  her  company,  and 
having  much  to  talk  about,  we  protracted  our  conversation  until,  re- 
tiring, I found  it  too  late  to  take  my  bed ; when,  passing  around  by  the 
kitchen  soon  afterward,  on  my  way  to  the  barn  for  my  horse,  I heard 
my  betrothed  scolding ! A cold  chill  ran  over  me  ! I staggered  to 
the  barn,  and  was  for  a time  insensible;  made  up  my  mind  never  to 
marry  that  girl,  and  to  get  my  walking  papers  as  soon  as  possible,  I 
danced  gayly  soon  after  with  the  belle  of  the  ball-room,  which  offended 
her,  and  she  gave  me  the  dismissal  I craved,  and  has  since  scolded 
two  men  into  their  graves,  and  one  foot  of  the  third,  besides  spoiling 
me.  too,  for  I haven’t  been  worth  a limpsey  rag  since.77 

Genuine  practical  kindness  is  also  particularly  important.  Es- 
pecially should  a wife  be  kind  and  self-sacrificing,  or,  in  phrenological 
language,  have  large  Benevolence.  And  one  great  test  of  this  trait  in 
children,  is  like  traits  in  their  parents,  more  especially  mothers.  So  is 
it  whether  the  parents  live  happily  or  unhappily  together.  Yet  trifling 
circumstances  will  also  reveal  the  temper.  An  illustrative  anecdote. 

One  of  a half  dozen  young  couple,  sitting  down  to  dinner,  peremp- 
torily ordered  a certain  dish,  which  the  waiter,  returning,  said  was 
exhausted;  to  which  he  spitefully  replied,  “Why  didn’t  you  keep 
some  for  me,  for  you  know  I love  it.77 


PERSON  AX  HABITS,  NEATNESS,  ETC. 


263 


“ I did  not  know  you  were  coming,  sir,77  was  the  reply.  Now  could 
not  his  girl  have  seen  from  this  slight  circumstance  that  he  was  most 
irritable  and  unreasonable,  and  infer  therefrom  that  he  would  manifest 
a like  disposition  to  her  ? If  a lover  proposes  a ride,  note  how  he 
manages  his  horse.  If  he  avoids  this  rock  and  that  rut;  and  drives 
his  beast  kindly  and  considerately,  all  is  right.  But  if  he  lashes  here 
and  jerks  there  ; dashes  through  this  rut  and  over  that  rock,  or  shows 
temper  or  tyranny,  especially  swears , you  may  safely  infer  that  when 
he  has  you,  too,  fairly  in  the  matrimonial  harness,  he  will  treat  you  too 
likewise.  As  “watched  straws  show  which  way  the  wind  blows,77 
keep  an  eye  to  windward,  and  learn  from  mickles  what  muckles  means. 

64.  PERSONAL  HABITS,  NEATNESS,  ETC. 

One’s  personal  habits  have  much  to  do  with  their  conjugal  qualifi- 
cations. True,  staminate  character  is  much  more  important  than  mere 
habits ; but  whether  one  rises  or  retires  late  or  early  ; how  one  prefers 
to  spend  his  or  her  time,  especially  evenings ; whether  one  has,  or  lacks 
neatness  of  person,  etc.,  have  important  conjugal  bearings.  It  is  less 
important  whether  man  is  tidy  than  woman.  A slattern  must  neces- 
sarily make  a poor  wife,  for  she  lacks  refinement.  Is  she  cleanly  in 
apparel,  and  neat  and  tidy  about  head  and  foot,  or  is  her  hair  disheveled  ? 
Does  she  know  just  where  to  put  hand  on  bonnet  and  glove,  and  get 
ready  for  walk  or  ride  in  a trice,  or  are  her  things  often  out  of  place 
or  lost?  Is  she  liable  to  frequent  mishaps,  that  is,  luckless  or  lucky ; 
careful  or  careless  ? Does  she  tear  or  slat  out  her  apparel,  or  preserve 
it  for  a long  time  ? 

Or  has  your  beau  any  bad  habits  ? Does  he  smoke  or  drink,  swear 
or  chew  ? Nor  does  the  commonness  of  such  habits  obviate  their 
odiousness.  How  would  a truly  refined  woman  revolt  on  first  seeing 
a man  puff,  putf.  puff,  or  chew,  chew,  chew,  and  spit,  spit,  spit,  no 
matter  how  genteelly. (?)  Say  what  you  will,  practice  them  whoever 
may,  or  however  politely,  they  are  inherently  disgusting  and  filthy, 
and  so  regarded  in  the  very  fact  of  their  customary  and  deserved  ejec- 
tion from  the  parlor  and  genteel  ladies7  company,  and  allotment  to 
some  uncleanly  place.  Their  universal  banishment  from  car,  cabin, 
parlor,  and  the  society  of  refined  women,  except  by  permission — “no 
smoking  abaft  the  wheels” — is  a staring  practical  condemnation  which 
ought  to  make  gentlemen  abjure  them  altogether;  for  any  habit  which 
unfits  them  for  female  society,  is  unfit  for  them  at  all  times  and  places 
To  say  nothing  of  their  most  fatal  physiological  objections,  to  be  repre 
sented  in  Volume  II. 

Young  woman,  when  proposing  conjugal  candidates  are  equally 


264 


GENERAL  MARITAL  QUALIFICATIONS. 


eligible  in  other  respects,  if  one  chews  or  smokes,  or  both,  while  the 
other  does  not,  by  all  means  choose  the  latter  ! He  is  to  spend  many 
days  and  years  perpetrating  this  repulsive  habit,  which  obliges  you 
meanwhile  either  to  abjure  his  society,  or  else  endure  to  see  the  man  you 
love,  smoke,  chew,  and  spit,  while  you  u grin  and  bear”  the  loathsome 
sight.  How  can  you  love  one  who  is  perpetually  disgusting  you  with 
any,  to  you,  repugnant  practice?  Besides,  these  habits  necessarily 
impair  the  looks,  by  rendering  the  teeth  yellow,  gums  all  swollen, 
complexion  fiery  red  or  leaden  yellow,  linen  soiled,  and  breath  most 
foul  and  fetid.  Indeed,  they  are  so  universal  that  we  are  loth  to  say 
how  loathsome  and  injurious  they  really  are!  And  it  is  to  these 
habits,  as  averting  love:  that  we  invite  especial  attention.  And  is  not 
“ dipping”  equally  objectionable  ? 

Yet  tippling  habits  are  still  worse.  Both  on  their  own  account, 
and  because,  unless  resisted,  they  augur  a drunken  husband,  against 
which  every  young  woman  is  solemnly  bound  to  protect  herself  and 
prospective  children,  by  marrying  only  those  who  are  strictly  temper- 
ate, even  downright  abstinent.  Yodng  men  are  too  hot-blooded  any- 
how ever  to  need  alcoholic  stimulants  of  any  kind.  Besides,  occasional 
drinking  is  so  almost  certain  to  eventuate  in  drunkenness,  that  no 
woman  is  justified  in  running  so  great  a risk. 

Moreover,  if  “ woe  to  him  that  putteth  the  cup  to  his  neighbor’s 
lips,”  how  much  more  to  put  it  to  the  lips  of  own  children , both  by 
example  and  entailment  ? What  temptations  equal  those  which  are 
hereditary  ? Those  who  become  drunkards  from  habit  or  association 
are  much  more  easily  and  permanently  reformed  than  innate  drinkers. 
A constitutional  alcoholic  hankering  is  unquenchable.  Though  it 
may  be  resisted  for  a time,  yet,  like  the  burning  coal-pit,  it  still  smold- 
ers in  the  deep  recesses  of  their  souls,  perpetually  fevering  them,  and 
waiting  only  some  slight  temptation  to  renew  its  consumption  of  both 
body  and  soul  together.  Most  pitiable  that  drunkard  ! Perpetually 
haunted  by  hankerings  within  and  temptations  without ! Yet  doubly 
to  be  commiserated,  those  whose  hankerings  are  constitutional!  What 
can  make  amends  for  such  an  entailed  thirst?  The  wealth  of  India? 
No,  not  all  worldly  goods  superadded  ! But  those  who  entail  this 
hankering  deserve  the  perpetual  execration  of  their  descendants.  And 
also  the  curses  of  the  community,  though  only  moderate  drinkers. 
Leave  your  children  poor,  if  you  must,  but  at  least  leave  them  temper- 
ate by  nature,  nor  “bring  down  your  own  gray  hairs  in  sorrow  to  the 
grave”  by  entailing  this  alcoholic  hankering.  Young  woman,  to  curse 
yourself  by  accepting  a tippling  lover,  the  precursor  of  a drunken 
husband,  is  indeed  awful  ! But  to  be  obliged  to  behold  this  liquor- 


THE  MARRIAGE  OF  COUSINS. 


265 


loving  stream  flowing  on  to  generations  yet  unborn,  widening  and 
deepening  as  it  descends,  breaking  out  here  and  there  as  it  Rows  on, 
perhaps  sweeping  your  very  name  and  race  from  the  earth,  is  indeed 
woe  unutterable  and  agony  indescribable.  Then  inscribe  among  your 
marital  conditions,  “ Total  abstinence  or  no  husbands lest  in  mar- 
rying even  moderate  drinkers,  you  endanger  not  only  blighting  your 
own  affections,  but  also  seeing  your  sons,  otherwise  your  pride  and 
support,  hopelessly  ruined — thus  redoubling  the  indescribable  misery 
of  having  a drunken  husband,  in  this  far  deeper  agony  of  besotted  sons. 
Even  those  who  escape  are  less  intellectual  and  moral,  and  more  cross- 
grained  and  animal  than  if  their  parents  had  been  temperate. 

u But,  the  adoption  by  all  women  of  this  anti-tobacco  and  alcoholic 
rule  would  leave  half  our  young  men  unmarriageable,  and  women 
old  maids  !;? 

Instead,  it  would  reform  all.  Young  men  instinctively  adapt  them- 
selves to  the  tastes  of  young  women,  as  well  as  women  to  those  of 
men.  Hence,  as  long  as  she  permits  or  winks  at  smoking  and  drink- 
ing, or  herself  occasionally  sips  wine,  gentlemen  will  smoke,  smoke 
like  coal-pits,  and  drink,  drink  like  fish.  But  let  her  frown  on  drink- 
ing and  smoking,  and  masculine  gallantry  will  induce  all  men,  young 
and  old,  to  do  and  become  Ci  anything  to  please  the  ladies. This 
beautiful  feature  in  masculine  character  not  only  gives  the  female  sex 
perfect  control  over  the  habits  of  men,  but  also  enables  any  individual 
woman  to  fashion  the  habits  of  her  particular  admirer  as  she  pleases. 
And  a similar  conformity  of  woman  to  man  gives  him  a like  control 
over  female  habits  in  general,  and  the  special  habits  of  his  wife  in 
particular;  of  which,  however,  in  Part  III. 

Still,  if  a girl  can  love  a young  man  in  spite  of  these  habits,  let  her 
do  so  and  bide  the  consequences.  Yet  should  she  not  do  her  utmost, 
by  winning  ways  and  affectionate  persuasion,  to  obviate  them  ? And 
that  man  who  really  loves  a given  woman  will  cheerfully  forego 
almost  any  cherished  habits  or  pleasures  for  her  sake — will,  in  case  he 
loves  her  well  enough  to  marry  her,  cheerfully  abandon  chewing, 
smoking,  and  stimulants,  lest  he  become  obnoxious  to  her.  Nor  in 
her  delectable  society  merely,  but  permanently.  Nor  is  he  either  a 
true  masculine,  lover,  or  even  gentleman,  who  persists  in  any  habit  or 
practice  loathsome  to  the  woman  he  loves;  for  genuine  manliness 
instinctively  promotes,  not  infringes,  on  the  happiness  of  the  other  sex 
in  general  and  his  own  loved  one  in  particular. 

65.  THE  MARRIAGE  OF  COUSINS 

Is  most  objectionable.  Not  because  interdicted  by  Bible  or  legal 

12 


266 


GENERAL  MARITAL  QUALIFICATIONS. 


statute,  but  inherently.  Nature  interdicts  it  by  its  almost  universal 
deterioration  of  its  offspring.  Not  but  that  it  produces  some  fine 
specimens  of  humanity,  but  that  they  are  generally  deformed,  or  in- 
sane, or  else  far  below  the  average  parental  standard — sufficient  at 
least  to  warn  one  and  all  not  to  incur  so  great  a hazard.  Mark  the 
following  from  the  Superintendent  of  the  Kentucky  Deaf  and  Dumb 
Asylum. 

From  ten  to  twelve  per  cent,  of  our  deaf  mutes  are  the  children  of  cousins.  Those 
marriages  are  a violation  of  the  law  of  nature,  as  is  evinced  by  the  afflictions  visited  in 
almost  every  case  on  their  offspring,  in  deafness,  blindness,  or  idiocy.  And  the  com- 
monwealth has  a clear  right  to  protect  itself  against  these  ill-starred  matches,  whose  off- 
spring it  is  frequently  obliged  to  sustain  for  life.  By  prohibiting  marriages  of  this  kind, 
and  giving  proper  attention  to  infants  laboring  under  these  diseases,  the  number  of  deaf 
mutes  might  be  diminished  one  half  in  a generation. 

“ Hereditary  Descent ” details  well-nigh  a thousand  similar  facts,  of  which  the  follow- 
ing is  a condensed  synopsis — all  the  children  of  cousins.  “ One  child  is  clump-footed, 
another  has  but  one  eye,  and  all  three  are  simple,  small,  and  have  heads  shaped  like  a 
flat-iron.”  “One  daughter,  nearly  idiotic.”  “Five  girls,  two  blind  cripples,  and 
almost  idiots— one  quite  so.”  “ Three  unable  to  walk.”  “ Only  one  child,  and  that 
deaf  and  dumb.”  “ Joints  lapped,  and  utterly  helpless.”  “ Ten  children,  all  fools.” 
“ All  under  mediocrity.”  “ Three  daughters  deranged,  the  rest  feeble,  and  very  nerv- 
ous.” “Four  men  married  cousins,  and  each  had  a foolish  child,  and  all  their  children 
below  par.”  “ In  twenty  families,  not  one  of  ordinary  capacity.”  Five  blind ; three 
heavy  minded ; one  an  idiot;  two  feeble  aud  irritable;  one  with  diseased  eyes;  some 
clump-footed,  others  wry-necked,  etc.  “ One  a loathsome  idiot ; two  foolish  ; two  weak  ; 
one  simple  and  lame  ; one  fair,  but  always  unfortunate.”  “ Many  children,  all  crippled, 
none  can  walk.”  “ Only  son,  an  idiot.”  “ Several  died  idiots.”  “ Only  one  having 
common  sense.”  “Three  deaf  and  dumb.”  “Two  blind.”  “One  small  head  and 
causality,  as  well  as  sluggish.”  “All  lame  or  disjointed.”  “Four  helpless.”  “Two 
large  but  hydrocephalic.”  “Six  idiots,  and  one  mute.”  Three  mutes,  and  two  more 
mute  idiots.”  “ Two  albinos.”  “ Two  deaf  and  dumb.”  “ Two  deaf,  dumb,  and  blind.” 
“ Two  natural  fools.”  “ Three  hermaphrodites.”  “ Three  natural  fools,  too  low  to  eat.” 
“Dwarfs,  though  smart.”  “Two  small-headed  idiots,  unable  to  feed  themselves.” 
“ Dwarfed  and  wry-necked,  though  talented.”  “ Only  daughter,  a deformed  cripple.” 

The  world  is  full  of  like  products  of  cousins.  We  once  heard  a man 
curse  his  parents  enough  to  chill  the  blood,  because,  by  marrying 
cousins,  they  had  entailed  upon  him  the  care  of  a lunatic  brother,  be- 
si  . rendering  him  almost  frantic.  Be  forewarned  not  to  endanger  a 
like  curse  from  a like  source. 

When  each  takes  after  the  parent,  through  whom  they  are  not  re- 
lated, their  children  are  less  liable  to  be  deficient  or  deformed  than 
when  they  resemble  those  through  whom  they  are  related.  Hence,  in 
cases  of  intense  love,  where  neither  party  resembles  their  relationship, 
their  children  may  escape.  Let  all,  by  spreading  light  on  this  sub- 
ject, aid  in  preventing  such  lamentable  results. 

66.  IMPORTANT  DIFFERENCE  IN  AGE. 

Though  up  to  twenty-jive  those  who  propose  marriage  should  be 
about  the  same  age,33  yet  a difference  of  even  fifteen  years,  after  the 


IMPORTANT  DIFFERENCE  IN  AGE. 


267 


youngest  is  twenty-eight,  need  not  prevent  a marriage,  when  everything 
else  is  favorable.  But  a man  of  forty-five  may  marry  a woman  of 
twenty-six  or  upward  much  more  safely  than  a man  of  thirty  a girl 
below  twenty;  because  her  natural  coyness  requires  more  delicate 
treatment  than  he  is  likely  to  give.  He  is  apt  to  err  fundamentally 
by  presupposing  that  her  mental  sexuality  is  as  mature  as  his  own. 
Yet,  while  we  stoutly  protest  against  a man  upward  of  forty  marrying 
a girl  below  twenty,  yet  a man  of  fifty  may  venture  to  marry  a woman 
of  twenty-five,  possibly  twenty-two.  provided ) however,  he  is  descended 
from  a long-lived  ancestry.  Still,  no  girl  under  twenty  should  ever 
marry  any  man  over  twenty-six,  or  twenty-eight  at  farthest.  Besides 
our  main  reason  for  this  opinion,  which  will  be  given  in  Volume  II., 
the  love  of  an  old  man  for  a girl  is  more  parental  than  conjugal ; 
while  hers  for  him  is  like  that  of  a daughter  for  a father,  rather  than 
wife  for  husband;  i.  e.,  he  loves  her  as  a pet  girl,  and  therefore  as 
his  inferior,  instead  of  as  a woman,  and  is  compelled  to  look  down  upon 
her  as  inexperienced,  far  below  him  in  judgment,  too  much  a creature 
of  impulse,  and  even  unwise ; which  obliges  him  to  make  too  many 
allowances  to  be  compatible  with  a genuine  union.56  She,  too,  is  com- 
pelled to  look  up  to  him  more  as  an  old  man,  to  be  reverenced,  per- 
haps feared — as  more  good  and  wise — than  companionable.  Their 
ideas  and  feelings  must  necessarily  be  dissimilar.  He  may  indeed  pet, 
flatter,  indulge  her  as  he  would  a grown  daughter,  and  appreciate  her 
artless  innocence  and  girlish  light-heartedness;  yet  all  this  is  not 
genuine  masculine  and  feminine  love.  Nor  is  it  possible  for  her  to 
exert  over  him  the  influence  every  man  requires  from  his  wife. 

Besides,  does  it  not  strike  beholders  as  incongruous  to  see  a gray- 
headed husband  gallanting  a girlish  wife?  And  it  is  quite  as  incon- 
gruous as  it  seems  to  be.  For  her  to  assume  that  same  juvenile  girl- 
ishness and  gayety  so  natural  to  youth,  while  he  is  as  dignified  and 
high  toned  as  becomes  all  elderly  men,  is  a little  like  uniting  Fall 
with  Spring. 

More.  All  girls  should  laugh,  play,  and  be  juvenile.  This  has 
been  already  shown.39  An  elderly  husband  might  not  want  to  go  to 
as  many  parties  as  his  girl-wife.  Of  course  she  must  stifle  her  love 
of  company,  or  else  be  escorted  by  a younger,  perhaps  therefore  more 
sympathizing  beau,  who  must  play  the  agreeable,  whisper  pleasant 
things,  or  perhaps  expressions  of  love  in  her  willing  ear — and  she  must 
prefer  the  young  beau — and  is  quite  liable  to  love  her  husband  rather 
as  a father,  but  another  as  a lover.  At  least  those  elderly  men  who 
marry  young  girls  must  not  scan  too  closely — must  keep  only  half  an 
eye  only  half  open,  and  see  little  even  with  that  half.  Not  that 


268 


GENERAL  MARITAL  QUALIFICATIONS. 


: r 

their  young  consorts  are  faithless,  but  that  they  are  subject  to 
temptation. 

And  she,  too.  must  look  one  of  these  two  alternatives  fairly  in  the 
face— either  to  impart  to  him  of  her  own  life  stamina  to  sustain  him 
longer  than  he  would  otherwise  have  lived,  while  she  dies  propor- 
tionally the  sooner,  or  else  see  him  die  long  before  her,  only  to  break 
her  heart  in  case  a genuine  love  exists,  or  else  be  obliged  to  transfer 
that  love  to  another — from  either  of  which  she  may  well  pray  to  be 
delivered. 

Yet  there  are  cases  in  which  girls  may  marry  their  seniors.  One 
of  seventeen  fell  desperately  in  love  with  her  teacher  of  forty-two. 
Repelled  by  her  cold,  stern  father,  and  denied  the  society  of  young 
men,  yet  her  innate  love  of  the  masculine  being  strong,  it  must  of  course 
perish,  or  else  find  some  object.  Her  teacher,  an  excellent  man, 
without  one  thought  of  thereby  eliciting  her  love — nor  would  he  if 
her  father  had  been  affectionate  to  her — kindly  aided  her  in  her 
studies,  especially  arithmetic,  which  masculine  kindness,  to  which  she 
was  unused,  called  forth  her  love  for  him,  on  whom  it  fastened  with 
perfect  desperation.  Both  parties  consulted  me,  and  were  answered, 
u the  main  objection  to  their  marriage  lies  on  her  side.  But  to  break 
her  heart  by  preventing  their  marriage  will  do  her  far  more  injury 
than  marrying  her  senior.  Therefore,  let  them  marry.”  Still,  these 
are  isolated  cases. 

Still,  better  that  elderly  men  marry  youngerly  women  than  young 
men  elderly  women,  because  paternity  continues  later  in  life  than 
maternity.  Circumstances  may  justify  the  marriage  of  a youngerly 
man  to  an  elderly  woman.  We  once  knew  a wild,  injudicious,  im- 
prudent youth  of  twenty-two,  who  needed  the  influence  of  a mother 
united  with  that  of  a wife,  to  marry  a widow  of  thirty-six,  who  lived 
very  happily  together — she  uniting  maternal  with  conjugal  affections. 
An  elderly  woman  possessing  superior  natural  excellences  may  com- 
pensate for  her  age  by  her  superiority;  but  for  a young  man  to  marry 
an  elderly  woman’s  wealth,  and  long  for  her  death  that  he  may  enjoy 
her  money,  u caps  the  climax”  of  crime.58  Still,  an  artful  woman 
who  knows  just  how  to  play  on  the  susceptible  feelings  of  a young 
man,  may  so  ingratiate  herself  into  his  affections  that,  as  in  the  case 
of  the  teacher  and  the  girl  just  mentioned,  their  marriage  is  best 
for  him. 

Yet,  after  all,  the  great  question  is,  can  a right  love  be  established 
between  them?  For  this  is  the  determining  point.  Love  should  ever 
he  held  sacred,  irrespective  of  ages,  circumstances,  position,  every- 
thing. 


NORMAL  AND  ABNORMAL  STATES. 


269 


67.  NORMAL  AND  ABNORMAL  STATES. 

Original  character  is  often  one  thing,  but  its  daily  manifestations 
quite  another.  Everything  can  be  perverted.  And,  in  general,  the 
better  anything  is,  the  worse  it  becomes  when  perverted.  Or  thus  : 
all  functions  have  a dual  action — the  normal,  or  natural  and  right; 
and  the  abnormal,  or  perverted,  reversed,  and  therefore  wrong  and 
sinful.  Of  this  abnormality,  some  experience  comparatively  little, 
others  a great  deal.  In  some  it  perverts  only  special  functions,  while 
in  others  it  extends  to  nearly  all.  We  have  already  frequently  alluded 
to  various  forms  of  this  perversion,  yet  its  great  practical  importance 
requires  its  more  emphatical  exposition  as  a per  se  condition.  The  dif- 
ference between  health  and  disease,  dyspepsia  and  good  digestion, 
sound  and  diseased  nerves,  etc.,  illustrates  this  abnormal  condition  in 
its  physical  aspect.  But  these  different  states  affect  the  mental  functions 
most,  and  pervert  them  still  more  fundamentally.  We  have  already 
exemplified  this  perversion  in  Conscientiousness.62  It  reverses  all  the 
mental  faculties  in  a similar  manner.  Thus,  while  normal  Combat- 
iveness renders  one  bold,  resolute,  courageous,  and  forcible,  when  ab- 
normalized it  engenders  spleen,  irritability,  repulsion,  and  hatred. 
Normal  Cautiousness  provides  against  threatening  evils,  but  when 
abnormalized  it  produces  fear,  trepidation,  flustration,  and  all  the  ter- 
rors of  fright,  along  with  that  desperation  which  increases  additional 
danger,  and  like  a run-away  horse,  dashes  and  smashes,  not  because 
of  any  real  danger,  but  from  sheer  fright.  Normal  Approbativeness 
puts  on  a pretty,  winning,  persuasive  cast  of  manners,  while  the  same 
organ,  abnormalized,  creates  cold,  proud,  vain,  supercilious  airs, 
along  with  a disagreeable  affectation  ; and,  when  reversed  by  reproach, 
reverses  all  the  other  faculties.  The  difference  between  normal  and 
abnormal  Amativeness  is  seen  by  comparing  6 with  45  46.  But  for 
further  analysis  of  these  two  opposite  conditions,  we  must  refer  the 
reader  elsewhere,  simply  remarking  that  normality  is  always  pleas- 
urable to  the  subject  and  attractive  to  beholders,  while  abnormality 
is  always  painful  to  the  former  and  repulsive  to  the  latter.  The 
practical  difference,  therefore,  is  heaven- wide  between  a conjugal  com- 
panion thus  normal,  and  therefore  always  happy  and  agreeable,  or 
abnormal,  and  therefore  miserable  and  repellant. 

These  states  may  be  readily  deciphered  from  even  a slight  knowl- 
edge of  the  phrenological  analysis  of  the  mental  faculties,  as  compared 
with  their  daily  manifestations  in  any  given  one.  And  this  point  is 
very  much  more  important  than  can  well  be  imagined,  or  than  we 
have  time  to  describe.  Indeed,  insanity,  with  all  its  horrors,  is  but 


270 


GENERAL  MARITAL  QUALIFICATIONS. 


this  same  abnormal  condition  conjoined  with  excessive  action,  while 
every  mental  excellence  and  beauty  of  every  human  being  is  conse- 
quent on  this  normal  action  of  some  faculty. 

Yet  whether  one’s  faculties  take  on  this  normal  or  abnormal  phase 
of  action  depends  much  on  the  states  of  the  health  ;56  for  all  abnormal 
physical  conditions  abnormalize  the  mental  functions.  Hence  the  dis- 
agreeableness, hatefulness,  even  sinfulness  of  children  and  also  adults 
just  unwell  enough  to  be  always  in  a fret,  as  well  as  their  attractive- 
ness and  happiness  when  healthy. 

Yet  the  fact  that  persons  are  in  a normal  or  abnormal  state,  by  no 
means  proves  that  they  must  always  remain  so ; for  both  states  are 
easily  interchangeable.  Hence  it  is  that  many  a man  and  woman,  so  ex- 
cessively happy  themselves  and  delightful  to  one  another  during  court- 
ship, often  become  most  hateful  and  so  totally  different  in  every  aspect 
that  one  could  hardly  realize  that  they  were  the  same  beings,  after 
being  soured  by  an  unhappy  state  of  love.  They  are  the  same  beings, 
only  thoroughly  demoralized.  They  have  the  same  phrenological  de- 
velopments and  form  of  face  and  body,  but  are  hardly  more  like  them- 
selves originally,  than  Satan  is  like  a saint.35  And  many  a husband 
and  wife  are  thoroughly  dissatisfied  with  each  other,  not  at  all  be- 
cause of  any  inherent  differences  between  them,  or  hateful  ness  in  the 
companion  hated,  but  because  of  the  abnormal  state  of  one  or  both. 
And  more  likely  the  trouble  lies  with  the  hating  than  the  hated;  for 
those  in  this  state  are  dissatisfied  with  everybody,  and  make  the  worst 
of  everything,  instead  of  the  best,  and  by  their  own  reversed  feelings 
reverse  those  around  them,  besides  taking  everything  in  the  cross- 
grained  manner. 

And  now  please  mark,  and  with  emphasis,  that  love,  in  its  normal 
state,  is  the  great  normalizer  of  all  the  other  functions,  but  in  its  ab- 
normal state,  the  abnormalizer  and  perverter  of  all.  Marry  one  how- 
ever pleasant  when  in  a right  state  of  love,  by  reversing  that  love  you 
reverse  the  whole  character.  But  let  one  be  however  reversed,  by 
eliciting  a right  state  of  the  affections  you  re-establish  their  former 
mode  of  the  delightful  manifestation  of  all  their  faculties.  Even  the 
health  depends,  as  already  seen,  much  on  this  same  normal  state 
of  the  affections.8  9 That  is,  when  a normal  state  previously  exists, 
love  will  perpetuate  that  normality;  but  when  khe  faculties  have  be- 
come reversed,  they  can  easily  be  brought  back  by  a right  state  of  the 
affections.  Hence  right  management  after  marriage  can  generally  be 
made  to  obviate  this  objectionable  condition,  whereas  conjugal  aliena- 
tion is  certain  to  induce  it,  and  thereby  engender  mutual  repulsions. 

A sweet  breath  is  peculiarly  significant  of  this  normality,  besides 


SUDDEN  LOVE  AND  MARRIAGE. 


271 


being  most  desirable  in  itself,  while  a bad  one  indicates  abnormality, 
besides  being  really  very  objectionable.  But  this  depends  mainly 
upon  the  state  of  the  health,  and  especially  stomach,  teeth  included. 
The  breath  is  therefore,  peculiarly  significant  both  ways. 

68.  SUDDEN  LOVE  AND  MARRIAGE. 

u Marry  in  haste,  and  repent  at  leisure/7  is  one  of  those  trite  sayings 
taught  by  the  largest  experience.  And  to  be  respected.  Not  that 
sudden  love  can  not  be  genuine,  but  that  it  is  extremely  liable  to  be 
passional  and  personal,  unless  it  is  absolutely  the  first  on  both  sides. 
Those  who  have  been  kept  back  from  company,  and  love  till  their  love 
sentiment  has  acquired  considerable  force,  may  fall  suddenly  in  love 
with  a suitable  object.  Especially  if  their  first-sight  love  is  mutual  and 
mental , this  phase  of  love  is  one  of  its  most  sacred  forms,  and  by  all 
means  to  be  respected.  But  all  sudden  love,  if  not  mutual,  is  most 
objectionable,  or  if  on  only  one  side.  Especially  if  accompanied  with 
certain  wild,  excitable  desperation.  The  hottest  love  is  soonest 
cold.77  And  this  is  doubly  true  when  it  fastens  mainly  on  beauty,  or 
personal  charms,  and  if  consummated,  its  objects  are  indeed  to  be 
pitied.  On  no  account  should  the  loved  party  consent  to  a hasty  mar- 
riage : and  the  less  the  more  importunate. 

Yet  when  sudden  love  is  mutual,  genuine,  and  appertains  to  the 
minds  of  both  parties,  its  mere  suddenness  is  no  objection.  But  true 
love  fastens  on  merit.  Hence,  though  a sudden  instinct  may  sudden 
perceive  and  as  suddenly  love  this  merit,  yet  a true  love  should  begin 
like  the  opening  day,  and  increase  wfith  years.  Few  of  nature’s  ope- 
rations are  sudden,  except  lightning,  tornadoes,  floods,  earthquakes, 
something  destructive.  Her  summer  lingers  in  the  lap  of  spring,  and 
u*fall  in  that  of  summer.77 

Yet  sudden  love  need  not  and  should  not  be  followed  by  a hasty 
marriage,  for  its  suddenness  renders  it  deserving  the  more  thorough 
scrutiny  till  its  genuineness  is  placed  beyond  a doubt,  before  its  final 
consummation  in  marriage.  The  more  sudden  it  is,  the  more  delib- 
erate should  be  the  marriage.  And  the  more  impatient  of  delay,  the 
more  to  be  suspected,  for  the  more  it  evinces  that  its  origin  is  ani- 
mal. Genuine  love  is  content  to  be  reciprocated,  without  demanding 
immediate  marriage.  Much  more  worthy  every  way  that  love  which, 
unlike  Jonah7s  gourd,  takes  time  to  establish  itself.  For  i:  early  ripe, 
early  to  decay,77  expresses  a natural  law  quite  as  applicable  to  love  as 
to  everything  else  in  nature.  But,  after  all,  its  purity  is  the  main 
thing.  In  that  case  its  suddenness  furnishes  no  ground  for  its  rejec- 
tion, but  only  for  its  thorough  scrutiny. 


272 


GENERAL  MARITAL  QUALIFICATIONS. 


69.  A VIGOROUS  AND  NORMAL  SEXUALITY. 

Every  natural  production,  marriage  included,  has.  must  have,  some 
one  staminate  constituent,  some  absolute  indispensability — that  which 
is  to  it  what  foundation  is  to  house,  spinal  column  to  osseous  system, 
diadem  jewel  to  crown,  oxygen  to  air,  head  to  body,  and  sun  to  solar 
system.  Of  course  this  principle  applies  to  marriage.  Then  pray 
what  is  this,  its  sine  qua  non  ? 

Sexuality,  normal  and  abundant.  This,  and  this  alone,  embodies 
that  masculinity  in  man  which  both  loves  the  feminine,  and  awakens 
love  in  return,  as  well  as  that  femininity  in  woman  which  both  loves 
masculine  character,  and  also  renders  herself  lovely  thereto.  Since 
love  is  the  one  natural  and  paramount  constituent  of  the  conjugal  and 
parental  relations,5  6 7 and  since  this  sexuality  is  the  only  element 
which  either  loves  or  elicits  love,4  5 6 therefore  the  more  of  this  entity 
husband  and  wife  possess,  the  more  loving  and  lovely  do  they  thereby 
become.  Not  that  other  human  talents  and  virtues  do  not  also  con- 
tribute to  love,  but  that  this  alone  is  paramount — that  focal  center 
around  which  all  other  marital  constituents  revolve.  Since  love  can 
act  only  between  those  of  opposite  sexes,  because  only  there  can  it 
find  a base  for  action,6  therefore  the  more  of  this  sexuality  its  subjects 
possess,  the  more  they  naturally  blend,  fuse,  and  become  one;  but  the 
less  in  proportion  as  it  is  the  weaker.  This  alone  embodies  whatever 
is  manly  in  man  and  womanly  in  woman;  alone  inspirits  and  is  in- 
spirited, molds  and  is  molded,  loves  and  awakens  love.  She  in  whom 
it  is  weak  neither  influences  husband  much,  nor  is  much  influenced  by 
him.  Their  mutual  feelings  and  relations  become  proportionally 
human  instead  of  conjugal,  because  unsexed.4  Hence,  since  woman 
alone  can  eliminate  masculine  character,52  a husband’s  talents,  how- 
ever great,  must  remain  comparatively  dormant  in  case  his  wife  is 
poorly  sexed,  unless  evolved  by  other  female  influences  ; whereas,  when 
her  sexuality  is  abundant,  and  both  love  each  other,  she  will  render 
him  twice  or  thrice  the  man  he  could  be  rendered  by  one  poorly  sexed. 
Hence,  also,  those  men  who  have  risen  in  the  world  have  either  mar- 
ried— at  least  been  under  the  influence  of — some  superior  woman. 
Per  contra , a well-sexed  man  will  make  twice  or  thrice  the  woman 
out  of  a given  girl  she  could  be  rendered  by  one  poorly  sexed. 

All  other  conjugal  qualities  sink  into  insignificance  when  com- 
pared with  this,  for  it  is  the  summing  up  of  all,  and  likewise  their 
embodiment — that  which  is  to  all  what  lime  is  to  mortar,  or  tendon  to 
muscle.  Be  it  that  a matrimonial  candidate  is  crude  and  illiterate,  as 
well  as  homely,  yet  how  much  manhood  has  he,  should  be  a woman’s 


A VIGOROUS  AND  NORMAL  SEXUALITY. 


273 


first  practical  inquiry  touching  her  beau,  and  its  answer  should  mainly 
determine  her  choice. 

Has  he  a masculine  intellect  and  soul , as  well  as  body  ? That  is, 
how  much  of  a man  is  he  ? And  so,  likewise,  he  who  would  select  a 
wife  should  inquire  both  as  to  a given  female  candidate  and  as  to  sev- 
eral in  comparison  with  each  other,  how  much  of  the  feminine  has  this 
one  or  that,  both  individually,  and  as  compared  with  each  other  ? 
That  is,  how  much  of  a woman  is  she?  And  which  is  the  most? 
How  much  genuine  female  influence,  both  to  develop  me,  and  to  help 
me  develop  myself,  can  this  one  or  that  wield  over  me  ? How  much 
will  she  mold  and  inspirit  me  ? How  much  love  is  she  capable  of  ex- 
periencing and  eliciting?  How  much  female  style , taste,  and  soul  has 
she  ? Plain  questions  these,  but  core  ones.  Nor  can  our  subject  be 
at  all  comprehended  without  thus  going  to  its  very  rootlets,  and  re- 
solving it  back  to  its  first  principles. 

And  this  sexual  element  is  the  more  important  because,  besides 
loving  and  awakening  love,  it  also  confers  life , and  likewise  determines 
how  much  humanity,  in  proportion  to  the  amount  possessed,  this  or 
that  prospective  parent  will  transmit.6 

Yet  the  amount  of  this  sexual  entity  is  by  no  means  all.  Whether 
its  state  is  normal  or  abnormal,67  is  almost  equally  important.  True, 
better  possessed,  thpugh  perverted,  than  deficient,  for,  like  all  other 
functions,  it  can  be  sanctified  more  easily  than  reincreased.  Yet  infi- 
nitely better  if  both  hearty  and  pure.  Still,  the  other  party  has  much 
control  over  this  matter — at  least  can  guide  and  purify  much  easier 
than  educe.  Hence,  the  old  adage,  11  reformed  rakes  make  the  best 
husbands,”  because  this  element,  strong,  though  perverted,  has  become 
re-normalized.  And  a knowing  woman  can  always  reform  this  ele- 
ment in  the  man  who  loves  her.  So  can  a husband  that  of  his  loving 
wife.  Nevertheless,  its  perversion  is  a grievous  fault,  unless  it  can 
be  re-normalized.  Would  that  conjugal  partners  knew  the  art  both 
of  correcting  its  every  action,  and  managing  each  other  by  means  of 
this  great  helm  of  conjugality. 

Lest  we  be  misunderstood,  we  repeat,  yet  hardly  need  to,  that  this 
sexuality  appertains  even  more  to  mind  than  person.4  6 6 

Be  it  therefore  known,  0 man  and  woman  in  search  of  a conjugal 
mate,  that  this  sexuality  is  the  one  great  base  and  measure  of  both 
love  and  conjugal  companionship,  as  well  as  parentage.  With  this 
you  have  “ the  one  thing  needful*’  in  marriage,  but  lacking  in  this  you 
lack  in  all.66  By.  means  of  this  all  other  differences  can  readily  be 
adjusted,  though  unadjustable  without  it.  Those  in  whom  this  starn- 
inate  condition  is  all  right”  maybe  very  dissimilar  in  other  respects, 

] 9 * 


274 


GENERAL  MARITAL  QUALIFICATIONS. 


yet  can  live  together  happily  in  spite  of  a world  of  faults,  whereas, 
without  this,  all  their  excellences  will  amount  to  little. 

But  this  is  only  drawing  from  a deep  fountain  from  which  we  have 
had,  and  shall  still  have,  frequent  occasion  to  draw  largely. 

Then,  in  the  name  of  all  the  absolute  and  relative  importance  of 
this  element,  what  are  its  signs  ? How  can  it  be  recognized  and  ad- 
measured ? How  may  we  know  how  much  of  it  this  one  possesses,  or 
that  one  lacks?  How  determine  its  amount  and  state?  Important 
questions — and  easily  answered.  For  its  signs  are  quite  as  apparent 
and  infallible  as  those  of  justice,  reason,  mechanism,  memory,  or  any 
other  human  capacity.  Yet  to  attempt  to  point  them  out  here  would 
both  take  us  too  far  out  of  our  direct  line  of  thought,  besides  antici- 
pating the  legitimate  subject-matter  assigned  to  Yol.  II.,  in  which  this 
and  many  other  like  questions  will  be  answered  thoroughly,  besides 
showing  exactly  what  in  woman  man  likes,  and  woman  in  man,  and 
why.  And  this  what  from  its  why. 

These  general  marital  qualities  might  be  indefinitely  amplified,  yet 
with  these  illustrations  by  way  of  putting  inquirers  on  the  right  track, 
each  and  all  can  pursue  them  as  far  and  in  whatever  direction  they 
please. 

Still,  none  should  either  accept  or  neglect  this  or  that  one  on  account 
of  minor  defects  or  excellences,  but  select  the  grea^st  aggregate  good. 
Thus,  one  may  have  a minor  flaw  coupled  with  an  excellency  which 
increases  the  eligibility  far  more  than  a score  of  such  faults  would 
detract  therefrom.  True,  all  should  select  the  greatest  available 
good,  for  by  the  importance  of  a perfect  love,  is  it  important  that  its 
object  be  the  most  lovely  attainable.  Yet,  again,  our  own  standard 
of  judgment  may  be  erroneous,  so  that  we  may  u call  evil  good,  and 
good  evil.”  All  should  choose  the  best  they  can,  and  then  be  satis- 
fied with  that  choice. 

Moreover,  you  are  now  simply  selecting  materials , not  results,  and 
require,  not  a conjugal  partner  already  to  your  liking,  but  one  out 
of  which  can  he  made  what  you  can  love — not  so  much  what  is  as  can 
become ,96  General  heartiness  or  tameness,  energy  or  passivity,  a whole- 
souled  interest  in  whatever  interests  at  all,  or  a good  easy  make,  and 
a right  hearty  shake  of  the  hand  or  its  mere  tender,  and  all  other  like 
signs  and  functions,  should  be  thrown  into  one  common  matrimonial 
equation,  and  general  and  specific  results  deciphered  therefrom. 


DUTY  OF  PARENTS  TO  THEIR  OFFSPRING. 


275 


SECTION  VII. 

SPECIFIC  CONJUGAL  ADAPTATIONS;  OR  WHO  CAN  AND  CAN 
NOT,  LOVE  WHOM?  AND  WHY? 

“ What  is  one’s  meat,  is  another’s  poison.” 

70.  DUTY  OF  PARENTS  TO  ENDOW  THEIR  OFFSPRING  HEREDITARILY. 

Man  owes  certain  obligations  to  his  fellow-man  and  his  God — duties 
imposed  upon  him  along  with  his  being  itself,  and  by  virtue  of  its 
verv  tenor.  It  is  right,  is  incumbent  on  each  and  all,  that  they  fulfill 
promises,  relieve  distress,  worship  God,  etc. 

But  some  of  these  duties  are  jmramount.  others  only  secondary.  Yet 
of  all  the  obligations  one  human  being  owes,  can  owe,  to  another, 
those  due  from  parents  to  their  children  take  precedence.  Thus,  A 
owes  B five  dollars  ; and  though  he  has  the  money  with  which  to  pay 
he  also  has  a sick  or  starving  child.  Now  which  duty  is  first — to  pay 
B with  this  money,  op  save  his  child  ? Is  not  his  obligation  to  save 
his  darling  child  a hundred-fold  more  obligatory  than  to  pay  B ? Na- 
ture says  to  every  parent,  in  both  the  softest  tones  of  parental  love, 
and  the  loudest  thunders  of  divine  command,  il  Care  for  your  children 
first”  c'  He  that  provideth  not  for  his  own  household  is  worse  than 
an  infidel. To  argue  this  point  is  supererogatory. 

But,  is  it  your  solemn  duty  to  care  for  your  children  when  sick,  and 
is  it  not  a prior  duty  to  prevent  their  becoming  sick,  as  far  as  lies  in 
your  power?  And  the  younger  they  are,  the  more  imperative  this 
duty  of  prevention.  Hence,  that  to  them  before  their  birth  far  exceeds 
that  after;  on  the  principle  that  duty  to  infants  exceeds  that  to  those 
grown  up.  Are  you  not  far  more  guilty  for  laying  a train  of  causes  before 
their  birth  sure  to  render  them  poor,  weakly,  puling  mortals,  than  for 
neglecting  them  if  sick,  after?  You  recognize  your  post-natal  duty 
feed,  house,  educate,  clothe,  train,  and  nurse  them,  but  wholly  ign<v-?. 
your  far  higher  ante-natal  duty  to  these  same  children — a duty  whio 
affects  their  well-being,  happiness,  virtue,  everything — a thousand- 
fold more  than  any  post-natal  conditions  could  do.  By  as  much  as  it 
is  your  solemn  duty  to  care  for  them  when  sick,  is  it  a hundred-fold 
more  your  duty  to  confer  on  them  hereditarily  constitutions  as  free 
from  disease  as  possible.  And  since  he  who  neglects  to  provide  for 


276 


SPECIFIC  CONJUGAL  ADAPTATIONS. 


his  children,  is  most  guilty  before  God,  man,  and  those  dependent 
children,  infinitely  more  guilty  is  he  who  almost  obliges  them  to  be 
sickly  by  entailing  on  them  weakly  organisms — especially  when  he 
could  just  as  well  have  conferred  healthy  ones.  He  who,  predisposed 
to  consumption,  by  marrying  a woman  also  thus  predisposed,  endangers 
the  death  of  his  prospective  children  by  this  disease,  does  them  as 
great  a real  wrong  as  if  he  endangered  their  death  by  any  other  means. 
True,  he  kills  them  ignorantly,  instead  of  with  malice  prepense,” 
but  kills  them  for  all.  How  wicked  to  kill  them  by  poison  ! But  does 
not  killing  them  by  entailing  consumption  on  them  do  them  as  great  an 
injury  ? What  though  he  is  one  of  the  kindest  of  neighbors,  intelligent, 
devout,  perfectly  honest,  and  fulfills  all  his  post-natal  duties  to  them, 
and  would  no  more  wrong  a neighbor  than  pluck  out  his  own  eye,  or 
if  he  should  unwittingly  take  a dime  more  than  his  due  in  trade,  could 
not  sleep  till  he  had  made  restitution;  yet  has  he  not  ignorantly  but 
effectually  induced  the  premature  death  of  his  own  children,  partly  by 
hereditary  entailment,  and  partly  by  neglecting  their  health  after  their 
birth,  and  thus  virtually  killed  them,  as  effectually  as  if  he  had 
poisoned  them  ? True,  he  intended  them  no  wrong,  because  he  knew 
no  better;  yet  was  it  not  his  duty  to  have  known  beforehand?  His 
minister  did  not  indeed  forewrarn  him,  but  his  instincts 43  and  own  eyes 
did.  He  knew — at  least  ought  to  have  known — before  his  marriage, 
that  he  and  his  prospective  wife  were  both  consumptively  preinclined, 
and  thereby  endangered  their  future  childrens  premature  death.  Is 
he  not  therefore  as  guilty  for  endangering  their  death  by  consumption 
as  by  any  other  means  ? True,  in  having  bestowed  being  upon  them 
he  has  conferred  a far  greater  good  than  evil  by  entailing  premature 
death  along  with  it.  In  their  parental  ledger  he  stands  credited  writh 
their  life,  but  charged  with  their  premature  death,  and  the  balance  is 
greatly  in  his  favor;  but  does  this  give  him  the  right  to  taint  them 
with  any  constitutional  disease?  He  follows  them  to  their  graves 
without  one  compunction  of  remorse,  whereas  he  should  tremble  at 
every  step  as  instrumental  of  their  early  death. 

Or  thus  : Nature  has  certain  hereditary  laws.  These  laws,  like  her 
sun,  are  apparent,  so  that  those  who  run  may  and  should  read.  He  is 
in  duty  bound  to  apply  these  hereditary,  as  well  as  all  other  natural 
laws  to  the  best  good  of  his  children ; nor  has  he  any  more  right  to 
violate  these  than  any  other.  What  right  has  he  to  impose  on  them 
the  consequences  of  any  violated  natural  law?  Has  he  a right,  by 
breaking  the  laws  of  gravity  in  throwing  them  into  the  air,  to  impose 
on  them  the  consequences  of  their  fall?  Or  by  throwing  them  into 
water  to  subject  them  to  the  penalties  of  drowning;  or  fire,  of  burn* 


DUTY  OP  PARENTS  TO  TIIEIR  OFFSPRING. 


277 


ing?  Or  to  inflict  on  them  the  dreadful  consequences  of  violated  he- 
reditary laws,  any  more  than  of  any  other  ? Instead,  is  he  not  sacredly 
bound  to  obey  nature’s  hereditary  laws  as  much  as  her  gravitary,  or 
respiratory,  or  sentient,  or  any  other  ? And  to  impose  on  them  the 
dreadful  consequences  of  disobeying  either,  is  equally  sinful  in  him, 
because  injurious  to  them. 

Yet  there  exists  still  another  duty  of  parents  anterior  to  even  this. 
They  are  sacredly  bound  to  so  order  their  marriage  as  to  secure  the 
best  possible  natural  endowment  of  prospective  children.  That  nat- 
ural law  wrhich  imposes  parentage,  also  requires  not  any  children, 
but  the  very  best  attainable.  And  by  instituting  these  hereditary 
laws,  nature  imposes  on  all  the  same  moral  obligation  to  fulfill  them , 
as  to  fulfill  any  and  all  her  other  institutes.  And  as  we  infringe 
every  other  at  our  peril,  so  also  this. 

But,  God  be  praised,  she  rewards  their  observance,  equally  with 
that  of  all  her  other  laws.  And  these  being  paramount,3  their  rewards 
and  penalties  are  correspondingly  eventful.  She  renders  her  obedient 
children  happy  in  fulfilling  all  of  her  laws,  but  happiest  in  fulfilling 
these.  She  makes  happy  in  many  things,  but,  oh,  man,  woman,  in 
what  one  thing  as  happy  as  in  splendidly  endowed  children  ? Or  as 
miserable  as  in  and  by  those  diseased  and  depraved?  And  the  hap- 
pier, the  better  they  are  endowed.  All  seek  happiness.  Yet  by  so 
marrying  as  to  secure  magnificent  children,  physically,  intellectually, 
and  morally,  vre  can  enhance  our  own  happiness  and  that  of  our 
prospective  children,  far  more  than  by  any  and  all  other  means.  To 
toil  for  those  poorly  endowed  or  sickly  is  better  than  to  have  none 
to  toil  for,  yet  how  infinitely  more  grateful  to  labor  for  those  superior 
than  inferior  ! Nor  does  parental  happiness  depend  a tithe  as  much 
on  how  they  are  educated,  as  on  how  they  are  hereditarily  constituted. 

u But  this  is  looking  a long  way  ahead.” 

Not  far  ahead  of  marriage.  True,  these  effects  continue  as  long  as 
any  of  your  descendants  inhabit  the  .earth,  or  you  or  they  exist!  But 
they  begin  soon  after  marriage.  Then  duly  consider  them  along  with 
that  marriage  itself. 

u But  this  canvassing  each  other’s  parental  qualities  before  or  during 
courtship,  is  at  least  indelicate,  if  not  improper.” 

Is  it  delicate  to  have  children  at  all  ? Then  is  it  not  equally,  indeed 
far  more  so,  to  provide  for  good  ones  than  poor  ? Is  it  not  far  more 
lL  improper”  to  produce  poor  than  good?  Does  not  whatever  indeli- 
cacy there  is  inhere  in  their  wrong,  not  right  production?  ^Indeli- 
cate !”  Improper  !”  Then  is  breathing,  eating,  sleeping,  fulfilling 
any  other  natural  requisition  il  improper.”  But,  since  u evil  is  to  him 


278 


SPECIFIC  CONJUGAL  ADAPTATIONS. 


who  evil  thinks”  and  because  he  thus  thinks,  so  all  indelicacy  inheres 
in  the  mood  of  the  actor.y  not  the  nature  of  the  case. 

c*  But  let  me  be  happy  in  my  companion  first,  children  afterward.” 

Yet  since  both  are  governed  by  the  very  same  conditions,41  in  and 
by  providing  for  the  highest  endowment  of  your  children,  you  provide 
for  your  own  highest  conjugal  happiness,  because  both  depend  on  the 
very  same  conditions.  Nature  cruelly  requires  you  to  sacrifice  neither 
on  the  altar  of  the  other,  but  blessedly  unites  the  highest  conjugal  hap- 
piness with  the  highest  parental.  That  is,  her  conditions  of  the  most 
perfect  love  are  likewise  those  of  the  most  perfect  parentage  : and  all 
natural  conditions  of  conjugal  discord,  are  also  and  therefore  dete- 
riorating to  progeny. 

This  parental  doctrine  opens  up  a new  and  most  powerful  matri- 
monial motive.  Thus  far,  right  marriage  has  been  argued  for  its  own 
sake,  whereas  this  motive  superadds  that  of  superior  descendants  to 
the  latest  generation,  and  thereby  augments,  beyond  all  computation, 
the  importance  of  a right  matrimonial  selection,52  to  which  we  now 
proceed. 

71.  DIVERSITY,  A LAW  OF  NATURE  AND  MARRIAGE. 

Nature  is  both  most  economical,  yet  most  provident.  And  evinces 
both  qualities  in  having  diversified  the  tastes  and  habits  of  all  her  pro- 
ductions. If  she  had  adapted  all  to  feed  on  but  one  kind  of  food,  or 
inhabit  but  the  one  place,  or  do  but  one  thing,  great  scarcity  in  one 
and  plethora  in  another — an  insufferable  crowd  here,  but  nothing 
there — must  have  transpired  throughout  all  her  domains.  Instead,  she 
has  adapted  some  of  her  productions  to  live  on  land,  others  in  wrater, 
others  still  in  air  ; and  one  to  eat  this  kind  of  food,  another  that ; and 
endowed  one  with  this  gift,  taste,  passion,  another  that,  throughout  all 
her  domains.  She  thus  fills  all,  consumes  all,  and  turns  all  to  prac- 
tical account.  Indeed,  some  feed  on  the  very  offal  of  others,  while 
some  thrive  on  what  destroys  others,  etc.,  inimitably. 

This  diversifying  law  appertains  equally  to  tastes,  talents,  likes, 
dislikes,  religions,  and  all  other  feelings,  doctrines,  and  dispositions, 
ad  infinitum — a natural  institute,  beautifully  proved  and  illustrated 
by  Phrenology.  And  how  advantageous  to  all  that  men  do  thus 
differ  ! 

But  to  nothing  does  this  diversifying  arrangement  of  Nature  apply 
as  effectually  as  to  love — its  tastes,  likes,  dislikes,  and  adaptations  ! 
And  as  some  like  one  kind  of  friends  and  others  another,  as  some  even 
like  the  very  same  traits  disliked  by  others,  and  hate  those  liked  by 
the  former;  so  pre-eminently  of  sexual  likes  and  dislikes.  One  man 


DIVERSITY,  A LAW  OF  NATURE  AND  MARRIAGE.  279 


is  all  entranced  by  this  beauty,  in  which  another  sees  only  common- 
ness or  deformity — the  one  even  admiring,  the  other  rejecting,  the  very 
same  qualities.  Some  men  like  large,  some  small,  others  again  medi- 
um-sized women.  So  of  the  different  complexions.  Equally  so  of 
different  traits  of  character.  And  this  difference  is  the  more  remark- 
able because  these  same  men  are  so  nearly  alike  in  other  respects. 

Different  women  also  like  different  men,  and  even  different  traits  in 
the  same  man.  One  woman  admires,  another  dislikes,  the  very  same 
masculine  qualities.  One  can  not  endure  what  perfectly  fascinates 
another,  yet  each  is  intelligent,  and  judges  both  correctly  and  alike  in 
other  respects. 

So  the  same  man  exactly  adapted  to  be  perfectly  happy  as  a hus- 
band with  this  woman,  and  make  her  happy,  is  adapted  to  be  and 
make  another  perfectly  miserable.  And  a given  woman,  perfectly 
adapted  to  make  this  man  an  excellent  wife,  is  very  poorly  adapted 
to  companionship  with  that.  And  these  same  wives,  now  very  poor 
ones  for  some  men,  are  just  what  others  require.  Indeed,  however 
important  those  general  qualifications  of  the  last  section,  are  not  the 
special  ones  of  this  quite  as  much  so?  We  will  not  discuss  their  rel- 
ative importance,  but  aver  that  both  are  immeasurably  so.  And  what 
each  requires  is  one  perfect  in  both — one  who,  to  all  the  general  pre- 
requisites of  that,  superadds  those  special  traits  adapted  to  his  or  her 
own  specialties.  We  repeat,  love,  to  yield  all  its  sweets,  must  he  per- 
fect. This  requires  perfect  adaptation , or,  if  perfection  is  unattain- 
able, it  should  attain  as  much  as  possible,  and  be  marred  with  the 
fewest  faults. 

Yet  is  this  whole  matter  all  hypothetical?  Has  it  any,  or  no,  gov- 
erning principles  ? Run  no  law  and  order  through  this  seeming  con- 
fusion? Is  there  no  certainty  as  to  who  will  like  wiiom  ? Can  we 
not  predicate  beforehand  what  traits  each  will  like  in  each,  and  wily  ? 

Indeed  we  can.  As  w^e  predicate  that  fish  love  w^ater,  fowis  air, 
animals  land,  etc.,  so  it  can  be  predicated  with  certainty  what  traits 
given  men  and  women  will  like  in  each  other.  That  this  whole  mat- 
ter has  its  governing  laws,  is  obvious,  for  Nature  leaves  no  department 
of  her  works  ungoverned  by  law.2  Has  not  left  this.  Then,  by  learn- 
ing and  applying  these  governing  laws,  we  can  tell  beforehand  who 
can  love  whom.  And  with  as  much  absolute  certainty  as,  by  knowr- 
ing  the  astronomical  laws  and  conditions,  we  can  calculate  eclipses. 

Or  thus,  Nature  has  adapted  the  sexes  to  love  each  other.6  She 
has  also  adapted  particular  males  and  females  to  one  another.  And 
this,  her  special  fitness,  is  quite  as  specific  as  her  general.  She  creates 
a supply  for  this  sexual  want  of  each  and  all  her  creatures.37  As  her 


280 


SPECIFIC  CONJUGAL  ADAPTATIONS. 


cheating  about  as  many  of  each  sex  as  of  either,  proves  that  each  can 
and  all  should  be  supplied  with  one,41  so  her  creating  these  special 
tastes , also  proves  that  she  provides  for  their  special  supply.  Her 
entire  economies  establish  this.  Hence,  no  man  or  woman  is,  or  can 
be  so  peculiar  but  that  she  has  peculiarly  adapted  some  one  to  each 
of  their  peculiarities.  Universal  fact  confirms  this  as  a natural  law. 
Then, 

“ There’s  a flower  in  the  garden  for  you,  young  man.” 

Yet,  though  there,  it  requires  some  art  to  select  and  pluck  it.  Few 
either  know  just  what  they  require,  or  when  they  find  it.-  No  first 
laws  have  ever  yet  been  promulgated  respecting  it.  Walker  tried, 
and  even  achieved  something,  yet  lacked  only  a talisman,  and  spurned 
his  only  philosopher’s  stone,  namely,  Phrenology,  which  embodies 
Nature'' s guide  to  any  and  all  required  companionships,  besides  furnish- 
ing the  only  reliable  solution  of  this  eventful  problem — Whom  shall  I 
marry?52  Scrutinize  well  the  following  solution  of  it. 

72.  SIMILARITY,  THE  PARAMOUNT  CONDITION. 

This  special  fitness  of  each  to  each  must,  like  general  fitness,  have 
some  vertebral  or  cardinal  condition.  It  has.  With  it,  you  have  the 
great  prerequisite.  Without  it,  nothing.  Then,  pray,  wdiat  is  it? 

Similarity.  The  parties  should  be  substantially  alike.  And  by 
virtue  of  this  natural  law — that  u like  likes  like,”  and  intermingles 
therewith,  but  dislikes  unlikes.  First  as  to  the  fact.  Next  its  reason. 

Do  lions  naturally  associate  with  sheep,  or  wolves  with  fowls,  or 
elephants  with  tigers  ? Do  not  elephants  herd  with  elephants,  vrolves 
with  wolves,  felines  with  felines,  bovines  with  bovines,  etc.  ? And 
each  particular  stripe  with  its  own,  throughout  insect,  fowl,  fish, 
everything  in  water,  in  air,  on  land,  vegetable  even  included  ? Why, 
the  very  rocks  follow  this  general  law,  for  where  there  is  any  granite 
or  slate,  all  is  granite  or  slate.  And  thus  of  iron,  coal,  clay,  soil, 
oil,  water,  everything.  Indeed,  this  rule  is  so  universal  that  merely 
to  state  it  is  to  prove  it — Walker  to  the  contrary  notwithstanding. 

Hence,  human  beings  like  their  fellow-men  better  than  animals. 
Though  some  men  like  dogs,  and  women  cats,  better  than  their  own 
kind,  yet  do  these  few  misanthropists  invalidate  this  fundamental 
law?  Why,  the  very  fact  that  mankind  talks  with  and  understands 
his  fellow-man  better  than  brutes,  proves  that  similarity  is  the  law, 
and  dissimilarity  the  exception.  To  eliminate  a point  so  clear  would 
be  to  stultify  both  writer  and  reader. 

Nor  is  this  similarity  the  grand  base  of  all  general  consociation 
merely;  is  it  not  equally  that  of  all  special  likes  and  dislikes?  Not 


SIMILARITY,  THE  PARAMOUNT  CONDITION. 


281 


only  does  man  affiliate  with  man  better  than  with  animals,  and  each 
animal  with  its  own  kind  better  than  with  others,  but  all  specific  dif- 
ferences in  any  race  of  animals  affiliates  most  with  its  own  special 
stripe.  Do  not  birds  of  a feather  flock  together  ?7J 

Equally  so  of  the  different  races  of  men.  Do  not  Ethiop  mingle 
with  Ethiopian,  Malay  with  Malay,  Caucasian  with  Caucasian, 
Indian  with  Indian,  and  even  each  tribe  with  each,  far  better  than 
either  with  any  of  the  others  ? And  thus  of  nations,  and  even 
families  ? 

This  law  of  similarity  is  equally  the  great  base  of  friendship.  Even 
those  who  have  any  special  habits  love  to  associate  together : such  as 
opium-eaters,  wine-bibbers,  whisky-drinkers,,  tobacco-chewers  and 
smokers,  swearers,  backbiters,  thieves,  etc.  And  even  particular  hinds 
at  that.  Equally  so  those  who  have  any  special  intellectual  or  moral 
proclivities.  Do  not  the  followers  of  Mohammed  and  Juggernaut,  and 
the  worshipers  of  u the  Great  Spirit,”  each  like  each  other  most?  Do 
not  Presbyterians  like  Presbyterians,  Methodists  Methodists,  Catholics 
Catholics,  Progressives  Progressives,  old  fogies  old  fogies,  etc.,  better 
than  either  any  others  ? Do  fire-eating  slave-holders  love,  or  hate, 
rampant  abolitionists  ? Is  not  similarity  the  law,  and  opposites  the 
exception,  throughout  all  general  likes  and  dislikes  ? Clanism  in  all 
its  forms,  cousining  included,  has  this  same  base. 

Nor,  not  only  philosophers  make  friends  with  philosophers,  poets 
with  poets,  actors  with  actors,  horticulturists  with  horticulturists, 
etc.;  but  each  individual  man  and  woman  chooses  for  his  or  her  inti- 
mates those  as  nearly  like  themselves  in  doctrines,  habits,  feeling, 
everything  as  possible.  Attest,  ye  who  experience  friendship’s  sacred 
bond,  are  you  drawn  most  to  those  like  yourselves,  or  unlike  ? Are 
you  pious,  and  love  you  best  to  commune  with  Atheists,  or  with 
Christians?  And  of  your  own  particular  faith,  or  those  of  another? 
Love  you  science,  and  love  you  not  its  votaries  better  than  others  ? 
Like  you  best  to  talk  with  those  who  continually  contradict,  or  agree 
with  you  ? Let  facts  on  the  largest  and  most  ramified  scale  attest. 
Pteally,  does  a principle  so  plain,  so  universal,  require  argument  ? Nor 
are  those  who  dispute  this,  its  wholesale  aspect,  worthy  of  notice. 

And  are  not  the  laws  of  friendship  and  love  identical?  Indeed,  is 
not  love  composed  in  part  of  friendship?  Can  a genuine  love  exist 
without  friendship  ? And  does  not  love  generally  commence  in  friend- 
ship ? Sufficient  to  prove  that  the  laws  of  either  are  also  those  of  the 
other  ? 

But  to  go  right  down  to  the  facts  in  the  case  of  sexual  likes  and  dis- 
likes. Not  only  do  men  like  those  men  most  who  are  most  like  them- 


282 


SPECIFIC  CONJUGAL  ADAPTATIONS. 


selves,  and  women  women,  but  men  like  those  women  best  who  are 
most  like  themselves,  and  women,  men.  For  example,  do  not  men 
who  have  special  beliefs  love  to  intercommune  best  with  those  women 
who  like  the  same  ? Do  talented  men  love  silly  women,  and  talented 
women  simpleton  men  ? Instead,  do  not  men  of  mind  love  intellectual 
women  best  ? And  thus  of  piety,  refinement,  and  all  other  character- 
istics? How  much  more  is  this  a law  of  love  than  of  consociation 
merely  ? 

Once  more,  and  to  the  very  point.  Say,  you  who  have  chosen 
lovers,  did  you  select  them  on  the  general  base  of  similarity  ? Or  of 
dissimilarity  ? If  pious  yourself,  do  you  not  feel  drawn  most,  not  only 
to  those  who  are  also  pious,  but  to  those  who  love  to  worship  at  that 
same  altar  which  you  also  love  best  ? And  did  you  not  suppose  you 
were  alike  on  the  very  points  wherein  you  now  find  you  differ? 
Attest,  you  who  find  yourselves  discordant,  whether  your  alienations 
originated  in  concords  or  discords?  Comparing  notes  on  certain 
points,  and  finding  yourselves  similar,  you  too  hurredly  inferred  a 
like  similarity  on  other  points,  whereas  finding  yourselves  unlike 
caused  your  difficulties.  If  allowed  to  choose  again,  would  you  select 
one  similar,  or  dissimilar?  As  concordant  notes  delight,  and  discord- 
ant pain,  so  with  concordant  and  discordant  spirits.  Eternal  jarrings 
and  gratings  are  the  inevitable  consequences  of  dissimilarity. 

Admitted  that  seeming  exceptions  abound,  yet  many  only  seem.  An 
intelligent  lady  rejected  a lover  because,  as  she  alleged,  so  like  her- 
self * but,  cross-questioned,  it  appeared  that  the  real  repulsion  lay  in 
his  merely  saying  yes  to  all  she  said.  He  said  yes  to  this,  and  yes  to 
that,  not  because  he  thought  so,  but  because  he  concurred  just  to 
please  her.  And  she  rejected  him,  not  because  so  like  herself,  but  be- 
cause he  lacked  decision.  Say,  all  ye  who  love,  is  not  congeniality 
the  simple  base  of  your  mutual  attraction? 

But  enough  of  facts.  Next,  their  analysis.  For  whys  constitute 
the  strongest  possible  evince  of  whais.  Then  please  weigh  well  these 
three  propositions,  and  their  bearing  on  this  point. 

1.  We  like  whatever  renders  us  happy,  because  thereof,'  and  in  pro- 
portion thereto , but  hate  whatever  renders  us  miserable,  because  of 
this  misery,  and  in  proportion  to  it,  as  already  shown.42  Indeed,  it  is 
by  means  of  this  involuntary  shrinking  from  pain,  and  love  of  enjoy- 
ment, that  Nature  drives  us  from  the  disobedience,  and  attracts  us  to 
the  obedience,  of  her  laws ; and  has  therefore  rendered  it  both  neces- 
sary in  itself,  and  a universal  concomitant  of  sensation. 

2.  We  are  rendered  happy  by  the  normal,  buo  miserable  by  the  ab- 
normal, action  of  our  faculties.  And  the  more  so  the  stronger  they 


SIMILARITY,  THE  PARAMOUNT  CONDITION. 


283 


are.  But  this  being  so  obviously  a first  law  and  condition  of  all  hap- 
piness and  misery,  and  so  clearly  established  by  Phrenology,  we  pass 
directly  to — 

3.  Similar  and  normal  faculties  awaken  each  other  agreeably,  but 
dissimilar  and  abnormal  ones  disagreeably.  Thus,  large  Ideality  or 
taste  delights  large,  and  is  delighted  by  it,  but  disgusted  by  small; 
and  thus  of  each ,and  all  the  other  faculties.  To  detail  a point  thus 
basilar  and  important,  and  apply  all  three  principles  to  the  case  in 
hand — 

Mr.  A , having  large  Ideality,  and  of  course  being  delighted  with 

the  beautiful,  but  disgusted  with  the  coarse  and  slatternly  wherever 

he  finds  them,  marries  Miss  B , who  has  Ideality  also  large,  and 

is  therefore  continually  feasting  his  taste  with  new  manifestations  of 
beauty  and  perfection  in  manners,  expression,  and  sentiment,  besides 
pointing  out  to  his  admiring  tastes  a constant  succession  of  fresh  beau- 
ties in  nature,  poetry,  and  character — thus  perpetually  reincreasing 
his  happiness  by  calling  out  one  of  his  cherished  faculties.  Mean- 
while his  large  Ideality  is  as  constantly  delighting  hers,  so  that  their 
being  alike  in  this  respect  is  a constant  source  of  happiness,  and  there- 
fore of  love,  to  both. 

But  suppose,  instead,  he  marries  dissimilarity,  or  one  whose  deficient 
taste  or  refinement  is  constantly  tormenting  his  refined  tastes,  while 
she  suffers  constant  practical  reproof  from  his  large  Ideality.  Of 
course  their  dissimilarity  is  a perpetual  eyesore  to  both.  The  prac- 
tical difference  is  heaven-wide  between  marrying  one  who  is  similar, 
and  one  dissimilar. 

Or  a pious  woman,  whose  large  Veneration  gives  her  a world  of 
pleasure  in  divine  worship,  marries  one  who  takes  equal  pleasure  in 
the  same  worship — and  both  enjoy  all  the  more  pleasure  in  each  other 
if  they  love  to  worship  the  same  God,  and  *•  under  the  same  vine  and 
fig-tree” — her  Veneration  reawakens  his,  which  makes  him  happy  in 
her,  and  therefore  love  her,  while  his,  by  reawakening  hers,  continu- 
ally renders  her  happy  in  him,  and  therefore  increases  her  Jove  for 
him. 

But,  per  contra , he  is  an  atheist.  So  far  from  her  large  Veneration 
being  made  happy  by  this  difference,  it  is  abraded,  reversed,  pained, 
by  his  atheism,  and  her  fears  respecting  his  eternal  salvation,  which 
renders  her  unhappy  in  him,  and  this  compels  her,  nolens  volens , to 
dislike  him  ; while  he  considers  her  piety  superstition,  which  lessens 
his  happiness  in  her,  and  therefore  love  for  her.  Their  having  no 
sympathy  in  this  respect  mars  their  union,  and  impairs  their  love  in 
other  respects. 


284 


SPECIFIC  CONJUGAL  ADAPTATIONS. 


Where  one  loves  dress,  parties,  style,  gayety,  and  fashion,  and  the 
other  considers  them  foolish,  or  regards  them  with  aversion,  can  they 
be  as  happy  in  each  other,  and  therefore  love  each  other,  as  well  as  if 
both  liked  or  disliked  them  ? If  both  take  delight  in  pursuing  the  same 
studies  together,  will  not  this  mutual  delight  render  them  much  hap- 
pier in  each  other,  and  therefore  affectionate,  than  if  one  liked  and  the 
other  disliked  the  same  books?  Did  not  Milton’s  conjugal  difficulty 
grow  out  of  dissimilarity?  He,  talented,  philosophical,  poetical*  but 
she,  despising  what  he  liked,  and  liking  those  gayeties  which  he  held  in 
contempt.  If  one,  having  large  Conscientiousness,  scrupulously  loves 
the  right  and  hates  the  wrong,  while  the  other,  having  small  Consci- 
entiousness. cares  little  for  either  right  or  wrong,  and  is  constantly 
abrading  the  moral  sense  of  the  other,  can  they  live  as  happily  and 
lovingly  together  as  if  both  were  either  scrupulous  or  unscrupulous  ? 
Can  he  whose  large  Order  is  delighted  by  method,  and  pained  by  dis- 
order, be  as  happy  in,  or  as  fond  of,  her  whose  small  Order  is  perpet- 
ually leaving  everything  in  glorious  confusion,  as  if  both  liked  order, 
or  cared  little  for  it  ? If  one  believes  in  free  love,  should  not  both — 
each  giving  and  taking  the  largest  liberties  ? And  what  is  jealousy, 
with  all  its  aggravated  miseries,  but  dissimilarity  in  this  essential 
respect  ? Is  not  similarity  even  in  the  wrong  more  promotive  of  con- 
jugal concord  than  if  one  is  right  and  the  other  wrong,  or  either  con- 
demns what  the  other  likes  ? Do  pointed  or  marked  differences  render 
the  differing  the  more  happy  because  loving  in  each  other,  or  the  less 
so?.  Ye  who  love,  attest.  Do  you  who  are  unhappy  repel  each  other 
wherein  you  agree,  or  agree  ? Do  you  love  the  more  the  more  you 
differ,  or  the  less?  Are  you  unhappy  because  alike,  or  unlike?  Do 
not  opposite  views  always  and  necessarily  engender  alienations  ? In 
a recent  divorce  suit,  in  which  a prominent  actor  acted  a prominent 
part,  was  it  their  similarity,  or  dissimilarity  which  caused  their  collis- 
ion ? Say,  further,  ye  who  are  happily  mated,  does  not  your  own 
blessed  experience  attest  that  you  are  happy  in,  and  therefore  fond  of 
each  other  wherein,  because,  and  in  proportion  as,  you  are  alike , in- 
stead of  unlike  ? 

Doubly  is  this  true  of  the  social  affections.  Let  a public  example 
both  prove  and  illustrate  this  point.  Many  years  ago  a fair  actress 
captivated  a millionaire,  who  followed  her  from  city  to  city,  and  con- 
tinent to  continent,  strewing  her  stage  with  rich  bouquets  and  presents, 
and  everywhere  tendering  her  his  hand,  heart,  and  fortune,  till,  finally, 
to  get  rid  of  his  importunities,  she  married  him.  Yet  this  very  suitor, 
after  having  followed  her  from  Philadelphia  to  New  York,  New  Or- 
leans, Montreal,  London,  Paris,  Rome,  with  imploring  importunities, 


SIMILARITY,  THE  PARAMOUNT  CONDITION, 


285 


was  the  very  man  to  sue  for  a divorce  ; because,  loving  her  with  pas- 
sionate fondness,  he  required  a like  affectionate  ardor  in  return.  Yet 
her  barely  tolerating  his  ardor  instead  of  reciprocating  it,  first  chilled, 
then  reversed  his  love,  turning  his  ardor  into  animosity,  till  he  hated 
her  as  passionately  as  he  had  before  loved  ; whereas,  if  she  too  had 
loved  him  as  heartily  as  he  her,  their  mutual  happiness  and  love 
would  have  been  proportionately  complete.  As  well  wed  summer  to 
winter,  or  ice  to  fire,  as  those  who  are  passionate  to  those  passionless  ; 
or  those  who  love  to  caress  and  be  caressed,  to  those  who  are  distant 
and  reserved  : or  one  gushing  and  glowing  to  one  who  is  stoical. 
Unite,  they  never  can. 

Nor  must  they  be  alike  in  amount  merely,  but  also  in  quality , or 
kind.  Is  the  love  of  either  Platonic,  that  of  the  other  must  be  equally 
so.  Or  is  that  of  either  personal,  that  of  the  other  must  be  personal 
also.  A universal  fact  sustained  by  the  largest  observation  and  expe- 
rience. Indeed,  dissimilarity  in  this  respect  is  the  greatest  single 
cause  of  matrimonial  aversion  ; as  similarity  here  is  the  greatest  single 
bond-principle  of  affectionate  alliances. 

Another  anecdote.  An  intelligent  young  lady  of  twenty-two,  who 
received  a full  written-out  phrenological  description  of  her  character, 
modestly  drew  from  her  reticule  a daguerrean  likeness,  inquiring, 
“ Am  I adapted  to  this  man  in  marriage  ?”  Answering  her  question 
mainly  in  the  negative,  after  having  left  town,  she  wrote — 

li  Mr.  and  Mrs.  F , I am  in  this  quandary.  Though  betrothed 

to  the  man  whose  likeness  I showed  you,  yet  my  affections  belong  to 
another.  Now  which  shall  I do,  spoil  myself  by  marrying  the  man  to 
whom  I am  betrothed,  but  whom  I do  not,  can  not  love,  or  spoil  him 
by  marrying  the  one  I love  ?”  After  mature  deliberation,  we  wrote, 
CL  Marry  where  you  love , else  you  spoil  both.”  She  begged  of  him  to 
be  excused  from  her  engagement.  This  hurried  her  gay  Lothario 
home  from  California,  where  he  had  gone  to  dig  gold  that  he  might 
marry  her,  with  the  reply,  u No,  indeed.  Think  you  I will  give  up 
as  good  a wife  as  you  will  make  me?  Only  tell  me  the  day  you  will 
make  me  but  too  happy  by  marrying  me,”  and  literally  obliged  her  to 
marry  him.  But  they  have  lived  miserably  together  ever  since;  and 
he  the  most  so,  because  the  most  disappointed  by  their  dissimilarity. 

But  Nature’s  rationale  of  this  similarity  both  crowns  and  stamps  it 
as  her  unalterable  edict.  Her  universal  motto  is,  u Each  after  its  own 
kind.”  She  absolutely  must  interdict  hybridism,  except  to  a limited 
degree,  and  preserve  each  respective  class  of  her  productions  separate 
from  all  others.  Universal  amalgamation  would  spoil  all.  Suppose 
corn  crossed  with  wheat,  and  both  with  oats,  and  all  with  tares,,  and 


286 


SPECIFIC  CONJUGAL  ADAPTATIONS. 


all  these  with  everything  else,  sweet,  bitter,  good,  bad,  wholesome, 
poisonous,  would  not  this  intermixing  of  all  spoil  all  ? Or  suppose  ani- 
mal, vegetable,  human,  all  intermixed,  fish  and  fowl  included,  would 
the  united  production  of  lion  and  sheep,  horse  and  alligator,  elephant 
and  eagle,  fish,  fowl,  and  human,  improve  all,  or  spoil  all?  Thank 
Heaven,  mermaids  are  scarce— and  those  manufactured  by  human 
hands.  Mules,  whose  parents  are  quite  alike,  by  uniting  the  size  of 
the  one  with  the  hardiness  of  the  other,  do  indeed  constitute  a useful 
exception;  but  if  lion  and  sheep  should  interpropagate,  the  lion  part 
of  their  progeny  would  spoil  the  lamb  part,  and  lamb,  lion.  And 
thus  of  all  other  different  orders  of  animals.  Nature  not  only  keeps 
her  human  productions  separate  from  all  others,  but  even  discoun- 
tenances the  intermixture  of  the  different  races,  by  depriving  mulattoes 
of  both  the  Negro  stamina  and  Caucasian  intelligence,  besides  running 
out  their  progeny,  and  rendering  the  intermarriage  of  Indian  with 
white  always  infelicitous.  Even  the  marriage  of  a fine-grained  woman 
with  a coarse-grained  man  both  engenders  mutual  animosities  between 
them,  and  renders  their  offspring  heterogeneous — u a house  divided 
against  itself” — the  refinement  inherited  from  her  at  perpetual  vari- 
ance with  the  coarser  proclivities  derived  from  him,  thereby  rendering 
both  nugatory  and  insipid.  Indeed,  the  children  of  dissimilar  parent- 
age can  almost  always  be  designated  by  their  imperfect  phrenologies 
and  physiologies,  and  tendencies  to  hobbyisms  and  extremes,  while 
those  of  similar  parentage  are  homogeneous  and  harmonious.  Not 
that  all  parental  dissimilarity  impair  offspring,  as  will  soon  be  shown, 
but  that  extreme  differences  preclude  parentage,50  while  in  general 
minor  ones  proportionably  impair  offspring. 

But  what  institute  of  Nature  is  more  obvious?  What  supported  by 
a larger  range  of  inductive  facts,  or  established  by  the  very  necessity 
of  things,  than  that  c- like  likes  like,”  while  dissimilarity  repels? 

But  why  multiply  examples  either  in  proof  or  illustration  of  this 
cardinal  doctrine  ? In  phrenological  language,  similar  developments 
promote  mutual  love,  by  promoting  their  mutual  affections,  while  op- 
posite ones,  by  creating  abnormal  action,67  produce  unhappiness,  and 
therefore  alienations.  Indeed,  both  this  fact  and  principle  are  so  per- 
fectly apparent  as  not  to  require  even  the  amplification  given  them,  but 
that  Walker,  ignoring  Phrenology,  that  great  guide  in  all  matters  ap- 
pertaining to  human  nature  and  life,  has  blindly  led  the  blind,  till 
both  have  stumbled  into  this  most  egregious  error,  that  opposites  unite. 
In  short,  that  indefinable  union  and  sympathy,  in  which  true  love 
consists,6  springs  up  between  those  who  a"e  harmonious,  not  discord- 
ant: those  who  love  and  hate  the  same  things,  doctrines,  precepts, 


WHERE  DISSIMILARITIES  ARE  ADVISABLE. 


287 


everything — those  whose  entire  beings  keep  perfect  time  and  tune  with 
each  other.  Be  a little  careful,  then,  ye  who  would  reap  Nature’s 
matrimonial  and  parental  rewards,  but  escape  her  penalties,  how 
you  follow  Walker’s  doctrine  of  dissimilarity,  for  she  will  be  respected , 
at  least  by  punishment,  if  not  by  obedience. 

73.  CASES  IN  WHICH  DISSIMILARITIES  ARE  ADVISABLE. 

“ But  you  certainly  misinterpret  that  Nature  you  claim  to  enthrone. 
Contrasts  really  do  assimilate,  after  all.  The  gravest  often  love  the 
gayest,  and  gayest,  gravest.  How  oftemare  stork-like  men  seen  escort- 
ing dowdy  women,  and  fleshy  men  spare  women,  and  vice  versa ? 
How  often  have  husbands  and  wives  directly  opposite  complexions, 
temperaments,  etc.  ? How  often  does  cool,  patient  stoicism  prefer  a 
fiery  Hibernian  temperament : or  a forcible,  determined  man  a meek, 
submissive  wife;  or  an  energetic  woman  a putty  man;  or  a great 
talker  one  who  is  demure ; or  one  who  is  slovenly,  one  who  is  tidy, 
etc. ; and  so  of  contrasts  innumerable.  Do  not  talented  men  generally 
choose  affectionate  women,  instead  of  4 blue  stockings?’  And  com- 
mon men  uncommon  women?  Is  not  Walker’s  doctrine  of  contrasts 
right  after  all,  and  this  of  similarity  wrong,  though  plausible?  Has 
not  Anglo-Saxon  stock  been  rendered  confessedly  the  best  in  the  world 
by  the  wholesale  intercommingling  of  the  ancient  Britons,  Piets,  Celts, 
and  Romans,  both  with  each  other,  and  the  Normans,  Danes,  and  no 
telling  how  many  more  ? Is  not  this  superiority  traceable  to  that 
amalgam?  Are  not  nations  not  thus  crossed  either  stationary  or  de- 
clining ? Of  which  Spain,  India,  and  all  Eastern  nations,  furnish 
examples.  Is  not  this  influx  of  foreigners  from  all  Europe,  Asia,  and 
Africa  into  our  country  its  most  auspicious  omen  of  future  develop- 
ment ? Has  not  this  very  crossing  law  already  effected  all  those 
recent  astonishing  improvements  attained  throughout  the  animal  king- 
dom, and  even  the  floral  and  pomal?  Did  not  Van  Mons  originate 
every  one  of  those  delicious  kinds  of  pears,  now  the  pride  of  horticul- 
ture and  diet  of  epicurean  princes,  by  judicious  crossings , yet  not  one 
by  similarity?  Even  your  own  ‘Hereditary  Descent’  shows  what 
astonishing  improvements  have  been  and  may  be  effected  by  this  same 
union  of  opposites , instead  of  similarities.74  Surely  something  must  be 
wrong  somewhere.” 

Both  doctrines  are  correct — that  of  similarity  applicable  in  one  set 
of  cases,  that  of  contrasts  in  another.  And  Nature  tells  us  which  she 
requires  in  specific  cases,  by  her  what  fors.  Her  entire  sexual  and 
marital  philosophies  are  ordained  to  subserve  the  multiplication  and 
endowment  of  the  race.6  The  laws  of  love  and  hereditary  descent 


288 


SPECIFIC  CONJUGAL  ADAPTATIONS. 


are  identical.  Those  who  are  best  adapted  to  love  each  other  are 
also,  and  therefore  best  adapted  to  parent  the  most  and  best  off- 
spring.6 41 

Nature  has  her  inside  and  outside  circles,  within  which  she  allows 
full  liberty,  but  which  she  never  allows  man  to  transcend.  Thus, 
suppose  her  average  masculine  height  to  be  about  six  feet,  and  weight 
175  pounds,  she  ordains  that  those  near  this  standard  should  prefer 
those  like  themselves  ] but  that  those  who  are  very  tall,  or  spare,  or 
large,  or  small,  or  anything  else,  shall  love  their  opposites , so  as  to  bring 
their  children  hack  to  her  mediums.  She  brings  back  the  children  of 
those  who  surge  to  either  extreme  by  creating  in  them  an  affinity  for 
their  opposites , and  hence  cause  very  tall  men  to  love  short  women,  in 
order  that  their  children  may  be  average  in  height,  lest,  if  they  should 
marry  very  tall  women,  their  progeny,  naturally  inheriting  the  strong- 
est qualities  of  both  their  parents,  should  become  still  more  incon- 
veniently tall  • and  very  large,  coarse  men  small,  fine-grained  women, 
and  very  short  women  tail  men,  and  very  dark  eyes,  hair,  and  skin 
light  ones,  and  thus  throughout  all  extremes , physical  and  mental. 
And  for  a like  reason.  Yet  those  who  are  mediums  in  any  respect 
assimilate  with  those  like  themselves  in  these  respects.  But  wherein 
even  they  are  in  extremes , they  love  those  unlike  themselves. 

Let  a supposition  illustrate  this  point.  If  one  who  is  constitution- 
ally so  very  excitable  that  his  surplus  excitement  renders  him  un- 
happy, marries  one  whose  equal  excitability  perpetually  reincreases 
his  own,  and  thereby  constantly  renders  him  unhappy,  she  makes  him 
dislike  her,  while  his  excitability,  by  perpetually  reincreasing  hers, 
also  reincreases  her  unhappiness,  and  therefore  engenders  mutual 
hatred,  besides  transmitting  this  double  excitability  to  their  children, 
and  thereby  predisposes  them  to  precocity,  nervousness,  and  premature 
graves.  Whereas,  instead,  by  marrying  one  whose  natural  calmness 
quiets  his  painful  excitability,  and  soothes  instead  of  irritating  him, 
her  calmness  would  render  him  happy  instead  of  miserable  in  her ; 
while  his  excitability,  by  quickening  her  composure,  would  render  her 
happier  in  him  than  in  one  equally  composed,  besides  striking  the  bal- 
ance in  their  offspring ; thereby  also  obviating  the  faults  of  both  parents 
in  future  generations,  which  their  marrying  similars  wrould  have  aggra- 
vated. By  a right  application  of  this  law,  those,  however,  predis- 
posed to  insanity,  may  reasonably  expect  not  only  that  their  children 
will  escape  all  insane  proclivities,  but  even  be  improved  by  this  pa- 
rental taint.  Indeed,  talented  men  are  often  descended  from  a family 
so  extremely  susceptible  on  one  side  as  to  be  almost  crack-brained,  but 
on  the  other  side  endowed  with  extreme  physical  hardihood ; their 


WHERE  DISSIMILARITIES  ARE  ADVISABLE. 


289 


children  inheriting  their  mentality  from  the  highly  organized  side, 
along  with  the  physiology  of  the  hardy  side ; whereas,  if  both  parents 
had  been  thus  gifted,  they  would  not  have  possessed  sufficient  animal 
power  to  manifest  their  commanding  talents,  but  have  died  on  the 
threshold  of  distinction.  Hence,  even  insane  proclivities  may  become 
a decided  marital  recommendation. 

Or,  if  a man  predisposed  to  consumption  should  marry  a woman 
having  extra  good  lungs,  she  will  both  supply  him  with  needed  vital- 
ity, and  also  transmit  vitality  to  their  mutual  children,  who  will  in- 
herit from  him  that  mentality  which  accompanies  consumptive  pro- 
clivities, in  addition  to  her  abundant  vitality,  and  thereby  both  escape 
all  consumptive  proclivities,  besides  being  actually  improved,  by  his 
consumptive  taint.  By  a judicious  application  of  this  la w,  not  only 
consumption,  but  all  other  hereditary  ailments  can  be  both  obviated, 
and  even  replaced  with  excellent  characteristics  instead.  All  required 
is  that  when  either  is  weakly  or  unsound  in  any  particular  respect, 
the  other  should  be  sound  and  vigorous  in  this  same  respect.  Yet 
this  is  absolutely  indispensable.  And,  like  weaknesses  in  the  other 
party,  by  all  manner  of  means  must  be  scrupulously  avoided.  Or 
even  one  parent  may  be  predisposed  to  one  disease,  and  the  other  to 
another,  yet  their  children  escape  both,  provided  the  predisposition  in 
each  is  offset  by  opposite  physical  qualities  in  the  other.  Yet  when  not 
thus  offset,  they  are  in  great  danger  of  inheriting  the  diseases  of  both. 

But  when  one  having  weak  lungs  marries  one  predisposed  to  con- 
sumption, their  mutual  children,  having  still  less  of  this  lung  element, 
die  one  after  the  other,  thus  inflicting  untold  agonies  on  their  parents. 
Even  while  I write,  a spare,  narrow-chested  neighbor,  having  married 
into  a consumptive  family,  is  burying  his  last  child  but  one,  and  that 
weakly,  after  having  buried  his  wife  of  consumption,  having  already 
followed  four — two  on  the  eve  of  marriage — to  consumptive  graves. 
What  heart-rending  agony  ! Yet  all  self-inflicted  ! For,  by  marry- 
ing one  having  large  lungs,  his  wife  and  children  might  all  have  lived 
to  bless  him,  themselves,  and  the  world.  He  says,  u A most  afflictive 
dispensation  of  Providence;  sent  by  our  heavenly  Father  to  prepare 
him  to  follow  them,”  whereas,  it  is  the  legitimate  consequence  of  his 
ignorance  and  neglect  of  Nature’s  institute.  What  a libel  on  the 
character  and  government  of  God  ! What  pious  profanity  ! 

Combe’s  recommending  those  with  hereditary  predisposition  to  dis- 
ease not  to  marry,  therefore  requires  this  important  addition,  that  all 
may  marry,  provided,  they  unite  with  those  oppositely  constituted. 
Why  not  the  Combes  themselves,  by  following  this  law,  have  given 
to  posterity  as  splendid  intellectual  and  moral  luminaries  as  did 

13 


S1ECIFIC  CONJUGAL  ADAPTATIONS. 


£91 


their  parents  ? Or  if  their  parents  had  been  guided  by  this  interdictory 
doctrine,  how  great  the  loss  to  the  race — as  great  as  all  the  blessings 
the  Combes  have  conferred  upon  mankind  ! Though  actuated  by 
the  very  best  of  motives,  yet  their  partial  views  have  prevented  them- 
es and  many  others  from  enjoying  the  domestic  relations,  who  oth- 
erwise might  have  been  both  happy  in  marriage,  and  the  happy  parents 
of  healthy  and  highly  endowed  children. 

Besides,  infinitely  better  to  be  born  consumptive,  than  not  to  be.  ” It 
is  not  all  of  life  to  live55  here — is  but  its  merest  moiety.  Another 
life  stands  in  waiting  ! And  there  consumptives  can  enjoy  as  well  as 
others.  Infinitely  better  die  while  young,  and  exist  forever,  than 
never  to  be.  Those  born  however  feeble,  should  offer  up  eternal  grat- 
itude to  their  parents  for  endowing  them  with  life  at  all,  because  they 
can  now  live  forever  ! What  if  manifold  ailments  do  abridge  this  life’s 
pleasures,  increase  its  sufferings,  and  hasten  death,  all  possible  evils 
here  are  as  nothing  when  compared  with  those  blessings  conferred  by 
immortality  ! Of  course  all  should  be  the  more  thankful  the  better 
constituted  ; yet  those  least  endowed  should  exult  in  possessing  even 
the  poorest  constitutions,  and  make  the  best  of  what  they  have. 

Still  more  in  point.  Nature  never  transmits  diseased,  but  only 
weakly  organs.  Thus  the  children  of  parents  however  consumptive, 
are  never  born  with  diseased  lungs,  but  only  with  those  small,  or  sus- 
ceptible * so  that  if  they  generate  disease  by  violating  the  health  laws, 
it  settles  on  those  weak  organs,  and  superinduces  disease.  The  real 
cause  of  their  death  is  not  hereditary  proclivities,  but  infractions  of  the 
health  laws , but  for  which  this  hereditary  tendency  would  have  re- 
mained dormant.  Nature  will  not  transmit  any  actual  disease,  local 
or  general,  but  only  weakness  or  susceptibility. 

And  counterbalances  even  these  by  always  obliging  strong  organs 
to  succor  weak  ones  ; and  likewise  causing  the  weakest  to  grow  fastest , 
on  the  principle  that  over-eating  induces  sleep  by  withdrawing  energy 
from  brain,  nerves,  and  muscles  to  aid  the  over-taxed  stomach.  And 
this  lingering  disease  consumes  all  the  strong  and  sound  organs  before 
death  ensues.  Organs  wreak  by  nature,  wThen  the  health-lawTs  are  ful- 
filled, will  grow  stronger  with  age,  thus  both  repelling  disease,  and 
completing  a good  fair  human  life.  How  often  do  weakly  children 
become  stronger  as  they  grow  older,  and  make  healthy  adults?  All 
by  virtue  of  this  law  of  growth.  And  all  endowed  with  strength 
enough  to  be  born,  can,  by  proper  regimen,  attain  a full  human  life, 
and  die  of  old  age.  Nature  will  not  begin  wrhat  she  can  not  consum- 
mate, provided  allowed  her  own  facilities  ,*  and  hence  interdicts  parent- 
age to  those  either  too  young,  or  old,  or  debilitated,  or  diseased  any- 


WHERE  DISSIMILARITIES  ARE  ADVISABLE. 


291 


where,  or  deformed,  or  depraved,  etc.,  to  impart  sufficient  of  all  the 
human  functions  to  enable  their  children,  by  a right  hygiene,  to  live  to 
a good  old  age.  By  this  simple  arrangement  she  forestalls  all  those 
diseases,  deformities,  and  marked  imperfections  which  would  other- 
wise impair,  if  not  spoil,  universal  humanity.  “ Passably  good,  or 
none.  Nothing,  rather  than  bad,5’  is  her  motto.  None  need  there- 
fore abstain  from  marriage  lest  they  taint  their  issue.  Yet  those  thus 
tainted  absolutely  must  do  these  two  things — -marry  opposites,  and  also 
cultivate,  cultivate , cultivate,  both  their  own  and  children’s  tainted 
organs.  These  two  simple  conditions,  carried  out,  wTould  rid  the 
world  in  the  very  next  generation  of  all  forms  and  degrees  of  heredi- 
tary diseases — a natural  provision,  how  beautiful,  how  infinitely  im- 
portant, yet  almost  wholly  overlooked  ! 

This  same  law  of  offsetting  imperfections  by  marrying  opposites  also 
governs  the  mental  faculties.  Suppose  a man  having  very  large  per- 
ceptives  with  small  reflectives,  marries  a woman  having  large  reflect- 
ives  with  small  perceptives  ) since  both  transmit  what  is  strongest  in 
themselves,  their  children  will  inherit  his  large  perceptives  along  with 
her  large  reflectives  * thus  possessing  the  perfections  of  both,  unmarred 
by  the  imperfections  of  neither.  He  can  remember,  but  not  think ; she 
can  think,  but  not  remember  ) while  their  children  can  both  think  and 
remember.  And  this  likewise  improves  their  copartnership,  as  well 
as  progeny.  If  he,  unable  to  plan,  should  marry  one  equally  deficient 
in  Causation,  all  they  attempt  must  fail,  because  poorly  devised, 
whereas  prosperity  now  attends  them,  because  her  large  Causality  does 
up  the  planning  for  both,  and  his  perceptives  the  perceiving,  so  that  both 
prosper  much  better  together , though  unlike,  than  if  alike.  And  thus 
equally  of  memory  and  judgment,  of  language  and  sense,  of  poetry  and 
philosophy,  of  each  and  all  the  intellectual  capacities  • so  that  these 
offsettings  can  be  made  to  improve  all  marriages  as  well  as  offspring. 
And  this  same  principle  applies  equally  to  the  moral,  the  passional, 
the  aflectional,  and  all  the  other  human  elements. 

Yet  unfavorable  combinations  deteriorate  both  marriage  and  issue, 
as  much  as  favorable  ones  improve  both.  Thus,  if  one  has  predomi- 
nate Secretiveness  and  the  other  excessive  Acquisitiveness,  though  the 
Conscientiousness  of  each  may  suffice  to  keep  both  honest,  yet  their 
children,  inheriting  the  Secretiveness  of  the  one  superadded  to  the  Ac- 
quisitiveness of  the  other,  may  become  rogues,  w*hereas  Conscientious- 
ness could  manage  either  organ  alone,  but  not  both  together.  Hence, 
good  parents  sometimes  produce  bad  children,  by  combining  two  un- 
favorable qualities.  Yet,  again,  bad  parents  sometimes  produce  good 
children,  by  uniting  one  excellent  trait  from  one  with  another  predomi- 


292 


SPECIFIC  CONJUGAL  ADAPTATIONS. 


nate  good  quality  in  the  other.  Nature’s  laws,  like  edged  tools,  cut 
both  ways — are  most  useful  when  handled  right,  yet  handled  thought- 
lessly do  irreparable  damage.  But  an  understanding  of  Phrenology 
renders  this  whole  matter  so  clear,  that  a wayfaring  man,  though  a 
fool,  need  not  err  therein.”  An  illustration. 

A man  having  a high,  long,  and  narrow  head,  that  is,  a predominant 
reflective  and  moral  group,  with  deficient  perceptive  and  selfish  organs, 
married  a woman  large  in  the  perceptive  and  animal  region,  yet  no 
way  remarkable  for  moral  endowments.  He  knew  he  lacked  both 
energy  and  selfishness  to  look  out  for  number  one,  yet  judged  that  she 
possessed  enough  of  both  to  make  up  for  his  want  of  them,  and  selected 
her  because  so  opposite  to  himself.  And  she  now  takes  his  part  and 
that  of  their  children,  stoutly  resists  impositions,  and  inspirits  him  to 
effort,  while  their  children  inherit  his  excellence  and  moral  tone,  along 
with  her  propelling  powers — their  girls  taking  the  most  after  him,  but 
boys  after  her — thereby  both  improving  their  matrimonial  alliance,  and 
counteracting  his  extreme  goodness  and  her  selfishness,  which  must 
have  eventuated  from  their  marrying  similarities.  He  employed 
Phrenology  in  making  his  selection. 

“ But  how  did  he  prevent  her  combative,  destructive,  obstinate,  and 
selfish  traits  from  imposing  on  himself  ?” 

By  the  power  of  love , for  both  had  a large  social  lobe.  By  culti- 
vating her  affections  for  him,  he  turned  her  combative  arms  to , and 
for,  not  against,  him:  whereas,  but  for  love,  those  organs  would  have 
been  arrayed  against  himself,  and  converted  her  selfishness  into  ani- 
mosity. Thus  this  same  Phrenology  which  taught  him  what  to  select, 
also  taught  him  how  to  manage  after  selection.  There  must  be  suf- 
ficient similarity  to  cement  this  love,  which,  cherished,  can  be  made 
to  harmonize  almost  any  amount  of  other  differences.  Hence,  those 
excessively  proud  or  vain,  obstinate  or  flexible,  good  or  selfish,  bold 
or  timid,  gloomy  or  visionary,  judicious  or  reckless,  or  anything  else 
wrong  or  imperfect,  have  here  the  perfect  antidote  for  their  own  im- 
perfections, and  those  of  their  prospective  children,  both  delightful  in 
its  operation,  and  certain  in  its  efficiency.  But,  mark.  The  first  car- 
dinal condition  in  all  such  cases  is  to  establish , and  then  to  cherish  af- 
fection. Otherwise  diversity  will  necessarily  engender  animosities. 

This  same  principle  can  be  employed  to  improve  all  marriages  and 
their  productions,  indeed  the  very  race,  to  any  imaginable  extent. 
Even  the  most  sanguine  have  no  idea  of  the  extent  to  which  this  ordi- 
nance of  /Nature  can  be  applied  to  perfect  humanity.  Yet  we  can 
hardly  do  this  subject  justice  without  again  quoting  substantially  from 

Hereditary  Descent”05 — a work  containing  thousands  of  instances  of 


WHERE  DISSIMILARITIES  ARE  ADVISABLE. 


293 


the  transmission  of  all  sorts  of  qualities  for  many  generations,  and  the 
application  of  the  laws  deduced  therefrom  to  the  improvement  of  the 
race,  the  intrinsic  merits  of  which  demand  its  widest  circulation. 

“All  Nature’s  works  are  inimitably  beautiful;  yet  the  confluence  of  this  principle  of 
illimitable  improvement  with  this  law  of  the  re-increase  of  organs  by  cultivation,  consti- 
tutes her  top  -stone  of  human  hope  and  of  divine  wisdom  and  goodness.  Which  of  her 
provisions  is  more  promotive  of  human  happiness  than  either  separately  ? Then  how 
infinitely  more  both  in  conjunction  ! Their  united  action  embodies  her  great  deliver- 
ance of  our  race  from  its  present  low  estate,  and  grand  instrumentality  of  placing  it  on 
its  exalted  principle  of  prospective  perfection  and  happiness.  A few  examples. 

“ Longevity  is  both  transmissible,  and  capable  of  being  re-increased  by  a rigid  observ- 
ance of  the  health-laws.  If  two  marry,  each  of  whose  ancestors  reached  a hundred,  an 
age  often  attained,  they  can  not  only  attain  a like  age,  but,  as  their  ancestors  lived  thus 
long  in  spite  Of  numerous  and  aggravated  violations  of  the  health-laws,  their  descendants, 
by  obeying  these  laws,  can  live  to  be  a hundred  and  twenty  as  easily  as  their  ancestors 
a hundred,  besides  imparting  to  their  offspring  sufficient  constitution  to  capacitate  them 
also  to  live  to  reach  a hundred  and  twenty.  Indeed,  more,  because  of  the  confluence  of 
two  long-lived  parental  conditions.  If,  then,  these  children  both  still  further  improve  th  eir 
original  life-power,  and  also  marry  companions  equally  long-lived,  they  can  live  to  be 
a hundred  and  forty  as  easily  as  their  parents  a hundred  and  twenty,  or  grandparents 
a hundred,  and  parent  children  capable  of  reaching  a hundred  and  fifty,  because  the 
parental  union  of  those  long-lived  conditions  renders  their  children  still  longer  lived. 
As,  if  children  of  the  rich  should  intermarry  only  with  the  wealthy,  and  then  augment 
their  patrimony  by  judicious  efforts,  the  riches  of  their  descendants  could  be  re-increased 
by  every  succeeding  generation,  so  the  mere  marriage  of  the  long-lived  with  the  long- 
lived  will  increase  and  re-increase  the  age  of  every  succeeding  generation,  while  a rigid 
observance  of  the  health-laws  superadded , will  redouble  this  tenacity  of  life  more  and 
more  every  succeeding  generation,  till  the  oldest  now  would  be  almost  babes  compared 
with  those  who  might  be  made  to  inhabit  our  earth  in  future  ages.  Are  we  on  doubtful 
ground?  Does  not  the  union  of  two  long-lived  parents  produce  offspring  still  longer 
lived  ? And  can  not  this  longevity  be  still  re-increased  by  obeying  the  physical  laws  ? 
Then  what  hinders  mankind  from  becoming  as  old  as  Methuselahs  ? 4 What  man  has 
been,  man  can  be.’  4 As  the  days  of  a tree  shall  be  the  days  of  my  people.’  Who  hast 
set  bounds  to  the  improvement  of  man  ? Then  why  not  human  longevity  equally  illim- 
itable? Since  the  4 child  shall  die  a hundred  years  old,’  pray,  how  old  must  their  aged 
men  and  women  be  ? The  seeds  of  all  this,  of  4 even  greater  things  than  these,’  are 
planted  in  the  primitive  constitution  of  humanity,  and  will  yet  bring  forth  wonderfully, 
to  the  glory  of  God,  'and  the  infinite  improvement  and  happiness  of  his  children ! 

44  These  principles  apply  equally  to  strengthening  the  muscles,  stomach,  heart,  lungs, 
and  every  other  physical  organ  and  function.  All  physical  excellences  can  be  both  re- 
tained, and  re-combined  and  transmitted  with  others,  and  our  race  re-perfected  physi- 
cally, as  long  as  it  continues,  until  the  human  physiology  shall  have  become  almost  infi- 
nitely perfect  throughout. 

44  Thus,  if  a splendid-looking  man  should  marry  an  exquisitely  beautiful  woman,  their 
children,  still  more  beautiful,  can,  by  marrying  other  types  of  beauty,  endow  their  de- 
scendants again  with  both  a higher  order  and  new  combinations  of  beautiful  elements, 
to  be  re-augmented,  generation  after  generation,  till  those  most  beautiful  now  will  be 
most  homely  in  comparison,  and  human  vision  regaled  with  almost  angelic  loveliness ! 
And  thus  of  all  other  physical  qualities. 

44  And  this  law  applies  equally  to  the  intellectual  and  moral  improvement  of  mankind. 
Not  only  does  improving  the  beauty  also  and  thereby  improve  the  mind  ipso  facto , but 
each  and  all  the  human  faculties  and  characteristics  can  be  equally  re-improved  inim- 
itably by  the  application  of  this  same  law.  Thus,  Patrick  Henry’s  oratorical  genius  was 
produced  by  the  confluence  of  three  ancestral  rivers  of  lingual  and  oratorical  superiority. 
Now  suppose  he  had  married  a daughter  of  Jonathan  Edwards,  endowed  with  tho 


294 


SPECIFIC  CONJUGAL  ADAPTATIONS. 


transcendent  intellectual  and  moral  capacities  of  both  lines  of  her  illustrious  parentage, 
the  union  of  such  gigantic  powers  of  intellect  with  such  exalted  moral  sentiments,  con- 
joined with  the  eloquence  of  a Henry,  must,  in  accordance  with  this  hereditary  law,  have 
produced  an  issue  endowed  with  far  greater  and  more  diversified  intellectual,  moral,  and 
elocutionary  gifts  than  any  yet  manifested  by  mortal  man ! Yet  even  this  only  intellect- 
ual and  moral  mediocrity  in  comparison  with  what  the  right  and  long-continued  ap- 
plication of  this  law  is  capable  of  producing ! 

“Franklin  inherited  his  strong  common  sense  and  a most  excellent  physical  stamina 
from  his  father,  along  with  superb  mechanical  and  mathematical  genius  from  his  mother. 
Suppose,  now,  he  had  married  one  of  those  descendants  of  Henry  and  Edwards,  would 
not  their  issue  have  retained  and  re-increased  all  the  gifts  of  all  their  ancestors,  and  pro- 
duced specimens  of  humanity  more  illustrious  than  mortals  have  ever  yet  beheld  ? 
Franklin’s  transcendent  genius  was  clogged  by  his  inability  to  speak,  and  Henry’s  by 
his  inability  to  write.  But  as  children  inherit  the  strongest  functions  of  both  their 
parents,  these  descendants  of  all  these  illustrious  lines  would  have  clothed  richer 
thoughts  and  philosophies  than  Franklin’s  with  eloquence  more  transcendent  than 
Henry’s,  and  all  sanctified  by  the  proportionally  high  order  of  the  intellectual  acumen 
and  moral  excellence  of  Edwards.  How  would  such  exalted  beings  instruct  by  their 
surpassing  wisdom,  charm  by  their  growing  eloquence,  and  almost  transform  by  their 
moral  appeals  ? 

“ But  suppose  their  descendants  again,  by  a long  series  of  well-assorted  intermarriages 
with  other  human  beings  equally  gifted  in  other  directions,  should  keep  adding  one 
physical  gift  to  another,  and  all  these  to  one  intellectual  capacity  and  moral  excellence 
after  another,  each  generation  re-improving  them  all  by  self-cultivation,  ‘ behold,  oh, 
heavens ! be  astonished,  oh,  earth  !’  in  view  of  the  almost  angelic  gifts  and  virtues  of 
these  veritable  sons  and  daughters  of  the  Lord  Almighty  ! Behold  our  earth  again  the 
Garden  of  Eden,  and  man  almost  a race  of  angels!  And  even  all  this  only  the  merest 
beginnings  of  those  endowments  of  which  humanity  is  capable  ! And  which  man  icill 
yet  attain  ! God  did  not  create  man  for  naught.  Physical  contrivances  thus  wonder- 
ful, and  mental  gifts  thus  God-like,  will  not  be  allowed  always  to  maintain  their  present 
low  estate,  or  hug  these  moral  deformities.  God  did  not  thus  ‘create  man  in  his  own 
image  and  likeness’  for  naught,  and  will  not  suffer  this  master-work  of  his  hands  to 
always  remain  trodden  into  its  present  ‘ slough’  of  depravities.  ‘He  shall  see  of  the 
travail  of  his  soul,  and  be  satisfied.’  Thank  God,  this  mighty  moral  lever  will  raise  it  up 
out  of  the  mire  of  corruption,  and  bear  it  aloft  far  above  what  ‘ eye  hath  yet  seen,  or 
ear  heard,  or  it  hath  entered  into  the  heart  of  man  to  conceive.’  Are  these  principles 
fables  ? Has  not  each  position  been  demonstrated  to  be  a principle  of  nature  ? Has  a 
single  point  been  left  doubtful?  Then  is  not  this  perfecting  result  but  the  legi  imate 
and  necessary  products  of  those  laws?  They  are  sure,  even  without  this  special  appli- 
cation of  these  laws,  to  keep  on  improviug  the  race.  Having  spontaneously  produced 
Bacons,  Franklins,  Websters,  and  a host  of  stars  in  the  firmament  of  humanity,  will  they 
stop  here  ? Even  left  to  themselves  they  will,  in  the  vast  future  of  the  race,  exceed 
our  most  sanguine  prognostications. 

“ But  they  will  not  thus  be  left.  They  are  too  apparent  to  lie  unnoticed,  and  too  mo- 
mentously important  to  be  neglected.  Our  utilitarian  age  will  not  suffer  such  rich  mines 
of  human  happiness  to  remain  long  un  worked.  If  this  generation  will  not  apply  these 
laws,  the  next  will.  In  the  next  generation,  if  not  in  this,  matrimonial  candidates  will 
not  thus  blindly  leap  in  the  dark,  but  scrutinize  well  the  'parental  as  well  as  marital  ex- 
cellences and  defects  of  every  prospective  companion.  The  traits  of  prospective  chil- 
dren— whether  they  will  be  naturally  healthy  or  sickly,  handsome  or  homely,  talented 
or  stupid,  virtuous  or  vicious— can  be  predicated  with  absolute  certainty  by  like  parental 
conditions,  which  can  be  fully  seen  at  a glance,  and  admeasured  with  tangibility  and  cer- 
tainty. Nor  will  knowledge,  thus  infinitely  valuable,  long  thus  remain  hidden  under  the 
bushel  of  neglect.  Shall  principles  already  applied  thus  successfully  to  the  improvement 
of  stock  long  remain  unapplied  to  that  of  man?  Will  man  long  be  content  to  improve 
children  only  by  education,  when  a tithe  of  the  same  effort  employed  in  their  hereditary 


RESEMBLANCES  AND  DIFFERENCES,  AND  WHY. 


2l*i> 


endowment  will  yield  intellectual  and  moral  harvests  so  infinitely  greater?  Parents 
dearly  love  their  offspring,  intensely  desire  their  improvement,  and  this  ruling  passion 
will  soon  compel  them  to  learn  and  apply  these  laws  of  hereditary  descent  to  the  pro- 
duction of  as  perfect  specimens  of  humanity  as  possible,  in  order  to  their  perfection  by 
education.  The  study  of  these  hereditary  laws  is  yet  to  become  the  great  study,  and 
their  application  the  great  labor  of  man.  This  “day-star”  of  human  promise  is  just 
rising  above  the  mountains  and  appearing  through  the  trees,  and  its  momentous  truths 
just  beginning,  like  distant  thunder,  to  break  upon  the  human  ear.  Their  voice  will  wax 
louder  and  louder  till  it  rouses  and  electrifies  the  race,  for  its  interests  are  permanent. 
Then  will  a new  order  of  beings  people  our  earth!  A race  enfeebled  by  do  defects, 
crippled  by  no  diseases,  and  corrupted  by  no  vices ; but,  instead,  endowed  with  all  that  is 
noble,  great,  and  good  in  man,  and  virtuous,  lovely,  and  perfect  in  woman ! Then,  but 
not  till  then,  will  the  sun  of  millennium  glory  rise  and  shine  on  humanity  in  all  his  morn- 
ing beauty  and  noonday  splendor.” 

74.  WHEREIN  BOTH  SHOULD  RESEMBLE,  AND  DIFFER  FROM,  EACH 

OTHER,  AND  WHY. 

u But  you  befog  us.  You  tel  1 us  that  similar  qualities  blend,71  and 
prove  it  by  analogies  so  plausible,  facts  so  abundant,  and  appeals  to 
consciousness  so  effectual,  as  to  produce  complete  conviction,  yet  under 
the  very  next  head  assert  and  prove  the  very  converse,  that  opposites 
are  best  adapted  both  to  marriage  and  parentage,  and  prove  it  by  pre- 
cisely the  same  mode  of  reasoning.72  How  are  we  to  harmonize  this 
direct  contradiction?  Especially  how  can  we  be  guided  by  either, 
since  it  is  refuted  by  the  other?  Or  is  there  any  clear  law  or  set  of 
well-defined  conditions,  one  of  which  requires  similarity,  and*the  other 
dissimilarity  ?77 

There  is.  It  is  this  : Wherein,  and  as  far  as  you  are  what  you 
ought  to  be,  marry  one  like  yourself ; but  wherein  and  as  far  as  you 
have  any  marked  excesses  or  defects,  marry  those  tmlike  yourself  in 
these  objectionable  particulars.  And  this  answer  is  so  perfectly  appli- 
cable to  both  laws,  and  shows  just  wherein  and  how  far  each  sepa- 
rately and  both  together  can  be  applied  to  the  conjugal  choice  in  order 
to  the  endowment  of  offspring,  as  hardly  to  require  argument,  or  even 
illustration. 

What  you  first  need,  then,  in  order  to  a right  choice,  is  a definite 
knowledge  of  your  own  character.  No  subsequent  step  can  be  taken 
right  without  first  taking  this;  for  all  subsequent  ones  depend  on  this. 

And  this  knowledge  must  be  precise , not  surmised.  You  require  to 
know  precisely  just  what  you  are,  and  are  not,  both  hereditarily  and 
practically.  And  this  knowledge,  like  the  base  line  of  a survey,  must 
be  exact  because  it  is  from  this  that  you  are  to  work,  and  to  this  that 
you  require  to  adapt  and  adjust  your  conjugal  mate.  Knowledge  is  the 
most  valuable  of  all  human  acquisitions,  and  se//*-knowledge  the  most 
valuable  form  of  knowledge,  because  it  contributes  in  so  many  ways 


296 


SPECIFIC  CONJUGAL  ADAPTATIONS. 


to  the  best  interests  and  happiness  of  its  possessor.  But  it  is  far  more 
valuable  when  applied  to  the  choice  of  a conjugal  partner,  than  to  any 
other  life-end  whatsoever.  It  is  indeed  vastly  important  that  you, 
young  man  and  woman,  know,  before  starting  out  in  life,  for  what 
vocation  you  are  naturally  fitted,  and  in  what  you  can,  and  can  not, 
succeed.  Dollars  can  not  measure  the  value  of  such  knowledge.  It 
is  equally  important  that  you  know  your  faults,  in  order  to  guard 
against  them,, and  your  capacities,  that  you  may  make  the  most  of 
them.  In  other  ways  innumerable  is  self-knowledge  promotive  of 
persona]  happiness — that  great  ultimate  of  life.  But,  oh,  man  and 
woman,  in  no  other  way,  if  in  all  other  ways  combined,  can  a perfect 
knowledge  of  self  be  turned  to  as  good  account  as  in  selecting  your 
conjugal  partner.  By  the  importance  of  that  selection,36  52  this  should 
be  just  the  very  one  for  you  ; and  this  requires  that  you  know  before- 
hand just  exactly  what  you  require.  As  the  fretful  child  said,  pee- 
vishly, u Ma,  what  do  I want  ?JJ  so  you  should  inquire,  not  peevishly, 
but  philosophically,  Li  exactly  what  qualities  are  required  in  a husband 
or  wife  to  blend  perfectly  with  my  own  ?”  But  in  order  to  determine 
just  what  you  need,  you  require  first  to  know  exactly  what  you  are; 
because  what  you  require  depends  on  what  you  yourself  are.  One 
requires  this,  because  thus — another  that,  because  the  other.  Nature 
is  scientific,  and  therefore  certain  in  everything.  As  much  method- 
ical precision  appertains  to  marriage  as  to  mathematics,  because 
each  is  alike  governed  by  fixed  laws.  There  is  a reason  why  this  one 
is,  and  that  one  is  not  * and  that  reason  depends  on  your  own  self  You 
need  what  you  need,  because  you  are  what  you  are;  but  if  different, 
would  require  different;  and  must  therefore  know  just  what  you  are, 
in  order  to  know  what  you  require — that  is,  to  know  just  who  supplies 
this  need. 

Exactly  here  it  is  that  Phrenology  supplies  a great  human  need. 
This  science  teaches  with  certainty,  because  by  admeasurement , just 
exactly  how  much  of  each  primitive  faculty  you  possess,  both  abso- 
lutely and  relatively.  As  by  weighing  and  measuring  wheat  you  know 
that  you  have  exactly  so  much  and  no  more,  so  Phrenology  applies 
this  same  fixed  standard  of  quantity  to  each  organ,  thereby  rendering 
your  quotient  tangible  and  reliable.  And  this  enables  you,  by  a like 
admeasurement,  to  acquire  a like  certain  knowledge  of  the  primitive 
faculties  of  this  and  that  matrimonial  candidate  ; thus  telling  you  not 
only  just  what  you  are,  and  therefore  require,  but  also  when  you 
have  found  those  qualities  required  to  harmonize  with  your  own.  You 
can  figure  out  this  whole  problem  with  the  same  absolute  precision 
with  which,  having  the  conditions  of  an  equation,  you  can  decipher 


RESEMBLANCES  AND  DIFFERENCES,  AND  WHY. 


297 


its  results,  and  know , not  suppose,  that  your  u answer*’  is  the  veritable 
one  sought,  and  no  other.  Then,  is  not  this  knowledge,  and  therefore 
science,  the  greatest  godsend  to  every  matrimonial  prospective?  It 
both  tells  John  just  what  traits  he  requires,  and  that  Julia  has  them, 
but  that  Nancy  has  not,  besides  telling  Julia  what  she  requires  in  a 
husband,  and  that  John  is  adapted  to  her,  but  that  James  is  not:  and 
Nancy  that  James  is  adapted  to  her,  while  John  is  not — thus  guiding 
each  to  the  one  required,  but  warning  against  all  others.  And  each 
what,  because  what  for , wherein,  and  wherefore. 

Then,  man,  woman,  since  Nature  furnishes  this  reliable  guide,  are 
you  not  morally  bound  to  be  guided  by  it  ? She  requires  you  to 
marry.37  And  the  right  one.52  70  71  72  And  has  ordained  phrenological 
science  as  your  sure  guide.  Now  it  is  both  your  highest  self-interest 
to  avail  yourselves  of  all  her  aids  and  assistance  in  making  this  event- 
ful selection,  and  she  enjoins  it  on  all.  You  perpetrate  a sin  of  omis- 
sion if  you  do  not,  which  is  sometimes  greater  than  sins  of  commission. 
Your  own  self-improvement,36  your  duty  to  that  man  or  'woman  to 
wThom  Nature  has  adapted  you,  your  paramount  duty  to  endow  your 
posterity,70  each  and  all  command  you  to  guide  your  choice  by  the 
best  lights  at  your  command,  and  therefore  by  this.  It  is  not  optional 
merely,  but  obligatory  on  you. 

u But  I have  little  knowledge  of  this  determining  science,  nor  can  I 
postpone  my  marriage  till  I can  acquire  it.  Indeed,  I have  not  the 
time  to  spend,  perhaps  not  the  required  capacity.” 

But  as  you  consult  a lawyer  on  law,  physician  on  physic,  so  why 
not  the  phrenologist  on  Phrenology?  You  need  a specific  kind  of 
knowledge.  By  means  of  it  you  can  secure  a vast  amount  of  happi- 
ness, and  avoid  an  equal  amount  of  misery.  He  can  supply  that 
need.  Then  why  not  apply  for  and  obtain  it?  What  question  more 
proper,  or  what  that  could  be  asked  more  important  than,  u What 
qualities  should  I seek  in  a conjugal  partner?”  because  what  inform- 
ation could  be  turned  to  equal  practical  account?  Absolutely  none. 
While  we  esteem  those  who  seek  other  kinds  of  useful  knowledge 
much,  why  not  these  more?  It  may  save  a life  of  misery,  and  confer, 
instead,  a life  of  happiness,  besides  highly  endowing  your  children, 
instead  of  cursing  them  with  bad  proclivities.70  And  does  not  woman 
need  to  ask  such  questions  most,  because  her  happiness  is  most  en- 
twined with  husband  and  children  ? 

And  these  questions  are  asked  everywhere  in  serious  earnest,  and  by 
those  intelligent  and  moral.  One  of  the  first  merchants  of  the  largest 
city  of  the  West  said,  ”1  wish  to  visit  your  rooms  with  a lady,  to 
have  you  point  out  just  wherein  we  are,  and  are  not.  adapted  to  each 

13* 


298 


SPECIFIC  CONJUGAL  ADAPTATIONS 


other  in  marriage,  and  request  you  to  employ  all  your  professional 
ability  in  rendering  your  verdict.”  Many  incongruities  were  pointed 
out,  one  of  which  was  absolutely  fatal.  The  ordeal  was  most  trying 
to  both,  and  disclosed  a point  of  absolute  incompatibility,  which  they 
before  had  seen  dimly,  but  now  saw  fully,  and  both  were  most  grate- 
ful for  this  knowledge,  because  it  saved  them  as  from  a precipice  they 
were  about  to  leap.  If  they  had  called  earlier,  the  intense  suffering 
both  experienced  from  the  interruption  of  their  love  would  have  been 
quite  avoided. 

An  eminently  gifted  clergyman  said,  L:  Ever  since  your  brother 
described  me  so  accurately,  in  1838,  I have  believed  in  Phrenology, 
and  preached  it,  though  not  by  name.  I have  had  one  good  wife,  and 
want  you  to  help  me  select  another.  As  I would  say  to  a lawyer, 
4 Is  the  deed  of  that  property  good?  I put  you  on  your  profession,’  so 
tell  me  whether  the  woman  with  whom  I shall  visit  you  to-morrow  is 
adapted  to  me  in  marriage.”  Both  received  full  written  descriptions, 
not  only  of  their  general  characters,  but  of  their  specific  adaptations 
and  incongenialities.  u You,  sir,  are  thus  in  this  respect,  and  require 
a wife  who  is  thus  and  so.  This  woman  is  thus,  and  therefore  adapt- 
ed to  you,  in  this  respect.  But  in  this  other  respect,  being  thus  and 
so,  you  require  thus  and  so,  which  this  woman  is  not,  and  therefore 
not  adapted.”  And  thus  of  all  their  other  characteristics.  And 
furnished  them  with  this  full-length  opinion  all  written  out,  and  am 
ready  to  stand  or  fall  by  the  result.  I have  predicated  in  thousands 
of  like  cases,  and  am  willing  that  all  should  rise  up  to  confirm  or  con- 
demn this  selecting  by  the  phrenology. 

A splendid  young  man  of  the  very  highest  order  of  talents  and 
morals  said, 

aI  want  a wife.  Tell  me,  by  my  developments,  whom  I should 
marry,  and  if  possible  introduce  me  to  one  who  is  suitable.  I want 
no  common  adaptation,  for  as  this  is  a life-matter,  I want  a perfect 
match.”  Within  an  hour  he  was  introduced  to  one  whom  he  married 
a month  after,  and  both  their  adaptation  and  love  are  perfect.  An 
experienced  phrenologist  can  describe  the  beau-ideal  of  almost  any 
man  or  woman,  and  hence  their  husband  or  wife  in  cases  of  con- 
genial marriage.  Or  tell  whom  they  can  love  and  whom  not.  And 
those  vrho  impart  this  kind  of  knowledge  are  doing  the  public  quite  as 
much  real  good  as  those  who  impart  any  other  species  of  knowledge 
whatsoever.  For  if  man  needs  information  on  any  subject,  it  is  on  this. 

a But  this  mode  of  procedure  seems  so  strange  in  itself,  and  is  so 
contrary  to  universal  custom,  as  to  prevent  its  adoption,  and  subject 
such  applicants  to  ridicule.” 


RESEMBLANCES  AND  DIFFERENCES,  AND  WHY. 


299 


This  seeming  strangeness  grows  not  at  all  out  of  any  inherent  im- 
propriety, but  out  of  the  errors  of  courtship,  as  will  soon  be  shown. 
Remember  that  the  parties  are  supposed  to  be  now  only  selecting , not 
loving.  Is  it  not  proper  that  they  know  each  other’s  traits  thoroughly  ? 
If  not,  then  nothing  is  proper.  Then  what  shadow  of  impropriety  in 
ascertaining  each  other’s  characteristics  by  their  phrenologies  any  more 
than  by  their  physiognomy,  manners,  conversation,  or  anything  else  ? 
Surely  it  is  not  only  proper,  but  necessary , that  they  canvass  each 
other’s  traits  thoroughly,  as  the  only  means  of  judging  whether  and 
wherein  they  are  adapted  to  each  other.  This  necessary  information 
they  can  obtain  from  Phrenology,  but  from  no  other  source.  All  else 
is  hypothetical,  this  alone  certain. 

But  to  detail  this  point.  Each  should  ascertain  their  mutual  adapt- 
ation to  each  other.  Now  is  it  not  proper,  even  necessary,  that  he 
knows  whether  she  has  Order?  How  can  he  decide  intelligently  as 
to  their  marriage  without  this  knowledge?  If  it  is  not  proper  for  him 
to  know,  pray  what  is  proper  ? Nor  should  he  be  left  to  guess  from 
what  he  sees,  because  she  may  practice  deception,  or,  being  in  a love 
mood,  be  more  orderly  just  then  than  by  nature.32  He  requires  to  know 
for  certain.  Her  phrenology  answers.  He  can  judge  of  some  things 
tolerably  well  from  their  manifestations — whether  she  can  make  good 
bread,  use  needle  and  scissors,  nurse  the  sick,  loves  religion,  etc.,  but 
sees  her  too  little  to  judge  with  sufficient  accuracy  for  his  purpose. 
Her  phrenology  answers  all  like  questions  reliably.  Is  it  not  right 
that  she  inform  him  by  word  or  deed  ?.  Then  why  not  by  her  phre- 
nology ? This  knowledge  is  the  main  thing.  The  mode  of  obtaining  it 
is  of  little  account,  so  that  it  is  reliable. 

He  may  require  that  his  wife  be  industrious  and  economical.  Would 
it  be  improper  to  ask  her?  And  should  she  not  give  him  a truthful 
answer?  Her  head  gives  it.  Then  why  not  consult  this  tribunal? 

Besides,  other  answers  are  likely  to  mislead.  For  example.  Al- 
ways at  school,  furnished  with  plenty  of  money  to  spend,  and  never 
knowing  its  need  or  value,  she  has  manifested  only  extravagance, 
just  from  having  no  purse  of  her  own.  and  no  need  of  frugality  ; yet  is 
in  reality  frugal,  if  circumstances  require.  Both  her  actions  and  feel- 
ings, as  far  as  she  evinces  either,  are  directly  calculated  to  mislead 
him.  and  he  rejects  a good  wife  just  for  want  of  some  certain  diag- 
nosis of  her  genuine  primitive  character,  which  Phrenology  furnishes 
at  a glance.  Then  why  not  avail  himself  of  it?  They  stand  greatly 
in  their  own  light  who  are  too  “delicate”  to  do  so;  and  are  quite  wel- 
come to  the  consequences  of  their  mockishness. 

Or.  she  is  devotedly  pious.  How  infinitely  important  to  her  to  know 


300 


SPECIFIC  CONJUGAL  ADAPTATIONS. 


for  certain  how  religious  he  is  ! Shall  or  shall  not  they  canvass  this 
matter?  Is  it  ‘''indelicate”  for  any  woman  to  talk  over  any  of  their 
mutual  traits  ? What  conversation  as  intrinsically  appropriate  as  their 
respective  characteristics?  But  conversation  is  liable  to  mislead. 
He  has  strong  natural  religious  proclivities,  but  circumstances  have 
never  thrown  him  much  into  a church  routine,  nor  called  out  what 
religious  feelings  he  actually  possesses.  He  tells  her  what  he  really 
thinks,  that  he  has  little,  but  misleads.  Yet  his  phrenology  shows 
her  that  he  has  the  worshiping  element  large,  and  requires  only  favor- 
able circumstances  to  become  truly  devout.  Then,  is  it  so  very  u in- 
delicate” for  her  to  learn,  in  and  by  his  phrenology,  just  how  much  of 
this  religious  sentiment  he  actually  possesses? 

Or,  per  contra , he  has  little,  but  having  been  always  required  to  go 
to  church  and  observe  its  ordinances,  as  well  as  been  surrounded  by 
religious  incentives,  he  shows  considerable,  whereas  it  is  only  passive 
and  formal,  not  heartfelt.  She  is  misled  by  his  conversation  and  life, 
but  corrected  by  his  phrenology.  Then  what  indelicacy”  in  her 
applying  this  science  to  this  ascertainment?  And  thus  as  to  any  and 
all  the  characteristics  of  both  ? 

11  But,  surely,  it  would  be  1 indelicate7  for  them  to  converse  on  the 
hereditary  traits  of  prospective  children?77 

This  depends  again  on  the  manner , not  on  the  fact.  If  they  may 
talk  respecting  their  prospective  marriage  with  propriety,  why  not 
also,  and  for  this  same  reason,  respecting  this,  its  most  important 
eventuality?  If  they  are  too  very  modest  to  canvass  a matter  so  infi- 
nitely important  to  the  life-long  and  heart7s-core  happiness  of  both, 
they  ought  certainly  to  be  consistent,  and  be  too  very  modest  to  court 
at  all,  much  less  to  marry.  Of  course,  “ every  one  to  his  liking.77 
But  those  too  delicate  to  ascertain  their  mutual  adaptation  to  each 
other,  are  but  mockish  prudes,  and  most  indelicate.  But  enough. 
Those  whose  modesty  ignores  this  kind  of  information,  are  quite  wel- 
come to  its  consequences. 

”But  the  world  has  always  got  on  well  enough  as  to  marriage 
without  your  Phrenology.  Then  why  not  do  as  well  in  the  future  as 
past  ?” 

How  got  on  ?”  And  what  a wretched  get  on  they  have  made  of 
it,  too  ! Let  the  multitudes  of  matrimonial  malcontents  attest ! In  all 
conscience,  if  anything  could  attest  this  need,  the  way  the  world  has 
hitherto  got  on,  proclaims  its  need  of  some  other  and  better  mode. 
And  here  it  is — just  what  the  world  stands  in  perishing  need  of. 

It  got  on,  too,  without  printing,  or  steam,  or  telegraph,  or  railroad, 
but  how  much  better  does  it  get  on  with  ? But  why  continue  to  go 


HOW  TO  FIND  THOSE  ADAPTED  TO  US. 


301 


oil  without  this  science,  when  it  can  be  made  as  available  ill  this  de- 

1 

partment  as  they  in  theirs?  This  is  old  fogyism  with  a vengeance. 

“But  I will  risk  myself.  No  woman  can  take  me  in:  no  man  de- 
ceive me. 77 

So  many  others  have  thought  before  you,  but  been  deceived  for  ail. 
And  those  quite  as  shrewd,  smart,  and  intelligent  as  yourself.  If  you 
do  not  see  and  feel  the  practical  value  and  importance  of  this  kind  of 
knowledge,  but  choose  to  go  on  in  the  darkness  of  ignorance  instead 
of  the  light  of  science,  rush  on,  stumble  on  like  them,  live  like  them,  die 
like  them,  and,  like  them,  become  a beacon  to  others.  u Let  him  alone.77 

75.  HOW  TO  FIND  THOSE  ADAPTED  TO  US. 

“ But  I would  marry  to-morrow,  if  I could  only  find  one  just  adapt- 
ed to  myself.  But  I prefer  celibacy  to  a marriage  with  any  one  of  all 
the  opposite  sex  I know.J? 

That  nature  commands  all  to  marry,38  and  the  very  one  adapted  to 
themselves.52  and  that  there  is  some  one  adapted  to  each,71  have  already 
been  fully  established.  Therefore  it  is  the  duty  of  each  assiduously 
to  u seek,  and  ye  shall  find.77  All  insects,  birds,  animals  are  required 
to  search  for  food,  shelter,  and  all  supplies  of  their  respective  wants. 
So  should  man.  Then  why  not  employ  the  same  industry  to  supply 
this  necessary  human  want37  as  we  are  obliged  to  put  forth  in  supply- 
ing our  other  necessities  ? Would  not  they  be  derelict  in  duty  to 
themselves  who  would  sit  while  they  starve?  Should  they  not  exert 
themselves  to  find  food  ? So  are  not  those  also  who  wait  for  good  con- 
jugal partners  to  come  along,  yet  do  nothing  to  find  them?  And  is 
not  this  duty  as  incumbent  on  woman  as  man  ? Why  not  ? Of  course 
undue  forwardness  is  objectionable,  and,  like  extra  haste,  sometimes 
hinders,  yet  the  general  error  lies  on  the  other  side.  Many  shun  the 
acquaintance  of  the  opposite  sex  who  should  seek  it.  Indeed,  to  seek 
it  properly  is  a first  human  instinct  as  well  as  duty.  And  duty  because 
instinct.43  Hence,  normal  young  ladies  and  gentlemen  love  and  seek 
all  introductions,  and,  introduced,  try  to  render  themselves  agreeable. 
They  do,  and  ought  to  love  parties,  picnics,  general  gatherings,  and 
to  see  and  be  seen,  as  well  as  enjoy  the  circle  of  their  acquaintances. 
This  being  necessary  to  their  right  choice,  it  can  hardly  be  carried  too 
far.  None  should  shut  themselves  up  at  home,  or  go  only  from  counter 
to  meals  and  back,  or  spend  evenings  alone.  Company  fills  as  first 
human  want  as  food,  and  can  no  more  be  ignored  without  mental  and 
social  starvation.  Deliver  me  from  those  youth  who  rarely  go  out. 
Any  other  instead.  Of  necessity  undeveloped,  because  unsocial.30 
Most  heartily  are  public  gatherings  of  all  kinds,  picnics,  excursions. 


30 ‘2 


SPECIFIC  CONJUGAL  ADAPTATIONS. 


giving  parties,  anything,  everything,  which  brings  the  people  together, 
to  be  recommended,  and  universally  attended;  for  they  break  down  the 
partition  walls  which  bar  man  from  man,  and  encourage  the  true  re- 
publican human  spirit.  And  parents  owe  it  to  their  children  to  enlarge 
their  circle  of  acquaintances  as  much  as  to  educate  them. 

Not  that  this  need  induce  dissipation,  or  even  undue  forwardness, 
for  parents  can  aid  children,  and  adults  the  young,  in  forming  ac- 
quaintances. They  may  and  should  accompany  and  introduce  them 
to  friends,  and  these  to  their  children  and  friends,  and  these  to  others, 
ad  libitum. 

Yet  how  different  this  from  the  course  too  often  pursued  by  parents  ! 
How  many  keep  their  children  at  home,  make  no  parties,  and  prevent 
their  children  from  going,  if  possible,  and  especially  discourage  their 
daughters  from  receiving  company  ! And  how  doubly  wrong  to  im- 
pose this  restriction  on  the  score  of  pride  or  property  ! They  allow 
them  few  acquaintances,  and  those  of  only  just  such  a stripe.  What 
if  they  are  introduced  to  those  who  are  unworthy,  does  this  oblige 
them  to  make  them  their  friends?  The  difference  is  heaven- wide 
between  a mere  acquaintance,  and  an  intimate.  The  latter  molds,  the 
former  not.  Unworthy  acquaintances  may  be  treated  politely,  but  re- 
garded only  as  passing  acquaintance,  yet  introduce  to  others  who  are 
worthy  of  friendship,  perhaps  conjugality.  At  least,  since  Christ  was 
not  too  aristocratic  to  associate  44  with  publicans  and  sinners,77  should 
not  his  followers,  especially  republicans,  follow  this  as  well  as  his 
other  examples?  Yet,  how  often  do  they  seem  desperately  fearful 
lest  their  children  should  see  or  talk  with  one  not  just  fit  for  heaven, 
and  thereby  oblige  them  to  seek  their  consort  from  among  only  a dozen 
of  the  opposite  sex.  Readers,  has  not  this  parental  course  well-nigh 
spoiled  some  of  your  lives  ? 

This  same  principle  applies  to  correspondence.  By  all  means  let 
young  people  write  to  each  other,  of  which  all  are  excessively  fond. 

44  But,  really,  would  you  have  our  children  throw  themselves  away  in 
their  desperate  haste  to  make  acquaintances  ? The  course  you  advise 
is  most  dangerous,  especially  for  young  women.  It  is  directly  calcu 
lated  to  induce  most  objectionable  consequences.77 

But  the  principle  which  rules  this  point,  that  woman’s  virtue 
depends  on  herself, \ not  on  being  watched,  has  been  argued.11  Duly 
trained  to  virtue  and  self-reliance,  the  more  she  is  tempted,  the  safer 
she  becomes.  Does  not  watching  and  suspecting  her  in  this,  as  in 
other  respects,  prompt,  not  prevent  sin  ? What  impairs  a clerk’s  integ- 
rity sooner  than  the  practical  accusation  implied  in  continually  watch- 
ing him  ? Do  children  learn  to  walk  soonest  and  best  by  being  always 


HOW  TO  FIND  THOSE  ADAPTED  TO  US. 


303 


carried?  Virtue,  like  reason,  memory,  conscience,  etc.,  is  inherent, 
and  therefore,  like  them,  to  be  cultivated  by  exercise , instead  of  being 
rendered  dormant  by  inertia.  Every  resisted  temptation  to  wrong,  this 
included,  only  strengthens  love  of  right,  just  as  persecution  makes 
proselytes.  Indeed,  the  more  masculine  acquaintances  a girl  forms,  the 
safer  she  becomes,  partly  because  they  enable  and  dispose  her  to  select 
the  good  but  reject  the  bad,  and  partly  by  training  and  developing  her 
whole  nature — a result  inherent  in  the  very  nature  of  things.  With- 
holding all  food  from  children  does  not  prevent  them  from  stealing  it, 
or  eating  what  is  bad,  as  much  as  furnishing  them  with  abundance, 
and  requiring  them  to  make  their  own  selection  We  commend  the 
law  which  underlies  this  advice  to  the  special  consideration  of  all  who 
would  promote  the  virtue  of  theiiv  children.11 

A Matrimonial  Intelligence  Office  might  be  made  to  promote 
introductions,  and  facilitate  a right  matrimonial  choice.  Not  one 
based  on  dollars,  but  on  all  matrimonial  qualifications.  Let  an  anec- 
dote make  this  point.  In  a stage-coach  leaving  Philadelphia  this 
idea  was  broached,  only  to  be  ridiculed  till,  jokes  exhausted,  an  elderly 
Quaker  remarked  thus  : “ But  is  this  idea  so  inherently  ridiculous,  after 
all?  It  is  precisely  what  I have  long  needed.  I have  seven  daugh- 
ters. Able  and  willing,  I gave  them  an  education  far  above  that  of 
the  young  men  of  our  village,  who,  fearing  their  deficient  education 
would  cause  their  rejection,  have  kept  aloof,  till  every  one  of  my 
daughters  has  grown  up  uncourted,  save  one,  who  accepted  a proffer 
from  a city  coxcomb,  and  has  been  miserable  ever  since.  Knowing  no 
young  men  educated  like  themselves,  they  remain  on  my  hands  for 
life,  suffering  for  want  of  companions,  while  there  are  unmarried  men 
in  abundance  just  adapted  to  make  them  the  best  of  husbands,  as  they 
the  best  of  wives,  provided  they  had  but  been  once  introduced.  Now 
such  an  institution,  conducted  with  intelligence  and  truth,  and  every 
way  reliable,  would  have  enabled  me,  by  consulting  its  records,  to 
have  introduced  my  daughters  to  one  after  another,  till  just  the  right 
one  for  each  was  found,  and  these  daughters,  instead  of.  as  now,  being 
doomed  to  die  old  maids,  would  have  been  happy  as  wives  and  moth- 
ers, and  made  others  happy,  and  blessed  the  world  with  families  of 
children.  And  what  is  it,  after  all,  but  an  application  of  that  same 
principle  of  the  store,  market,  exchange,  advertisements,  etc.,  to 
marriage.  As,  when  farmers  have  produce  to  sell,  and  citizens  to 
buy,  they  institute  a mart  where  both  can  meet  and  accommodate 
each  other,  so  why  not  those  who  need  conjugal  partners  pursue  some 
similar  course  for  ascertaining  and  supplying  each  other’s  requisitions. 
Nor  has  it  one  single  inherent  objection.  It  could  be  made  promotive 


304 


SPECIFIC  CONJUGAL  ADAPTATIONS. 


only  of  good.  And  how  many  now  stand  in  perishing  need  of  some 
such  institution  ? 

Of  course  their  respective  phrenologies  must  be  taken  into  ac- 
count.73 74  And  the  Fowlers  owe  it  to  the  public  and  their  own  position 
to  lead  or  second  some  such  movement.  And  they  yet  will.  The 
progressive  spirit  of  the  age  will  not  long  allow  so  pressing  a human 
need  to  go  unsupplied.  All  required  to  secure  patronage  is  to  pro- 
pound a judicious  plan.  And  its  patrons  could  afford  to  pay  well  to  be 
thus  enabled  to  select  a better  matrimonial  partner  than  they  other- 
wise could.  Yet  this  need  hinder  no  other  mode  of  search.  And  would 
not  a young  woman  promote  her  happiness  more  by  investing  less  in 
drygoods  just  to  get  lovers,  and  more  in  such  an  institution  ? 

But,  till  some  such  institution  is  established,  let  all  help  one  an- 
other, as  w’ell  as  keep  a sharp  look-out  for  self.  And  since  woman  is 
allowed  but  the  poor  privilege  of  saying  Yes  or  No,  she  should  at  least 
be  helped  to  form  as  many  acquaintances  as  she  well  can.  A more 
kindly  act  could  hardly  be  done  her. 

76.  WHO  SHOULD  MARRY  WHOM;  AND  WHY. 

Having  thus  expounded  those  first  principles  which  govern  selection, 
it  remains  to  apply  them  by  giving  illustrative  examples . By  no 
means  all,  but  enough  to  show  plainly  how,  by  their  applications,  to 
decide  just  when  and  wherein  to  select  those  like , or  unlike,  each  other. 
From  a task  so  critical  and  important,  one  may  well  shrink,  unless  em- 
boldened by  the  perfect  assurance  of  being  guided  by  natural  laws, 
and  therefore  right. 

First,  temperamental  adaptations,  or  complexion,  stature,  etc. 
Those  who  have  no  specialty  of  complexion  either  way — who  are 
neither  dark  or  light,  w^hose  hair  is  brown  instead  of  being  either  dark 
or  light,  who  are  florid  enough  but  no  way  extra — should,  as  a general 
rule,  marry  those  also  medium,  or  quite  like  themselves  in  this  respect, 
yet  need  not  hesitate,  if  taste  or  circumstances  seem  to  require,  to 
marry  those  whose  temperaments  are  directly  opposite  to  their  own, 
either  way.  Men  who  have  red  whiskers  should  not  marry  fair- 
skinned, light-complexioned  women,  nor  auburn-colored  women  sim- 
ilarly complexioned  men — though  better  auburn  than  red — but,  in- 
stead, those  who  have  brown  or  dark  hair  or  dark  eyes.  Being  too 
excitable  for  their  own  good,  they  should  not  marry  those  equally  so, 
but  those  who  soothe  instead  of  exhilarate.  And  the  more  red-faced 
and  bearded  or  impulsive  a man,  the  more  calm,  cool,  and  quiet  should 
his  wife  be.  The  florid  should  never  marry  the  florid,  but  those  who 
are  dark  in  proportion  as  they  themselves  are  light. 


WHO  SHOULD  MARRY  WHOM,  AND  WHY. 


305 


Very  fleshy  persons  should  not  marry  those  equally  fleshy,  but,  in- 
stead, those  more  spare  and  slim.  For  this  is  doubly  injurious  to 
the  female.  A spare  man  is  much  better  adapted  to  a fleshy  woman 
than  a round-favored  man.  Nor  should  two  who  are  short,  thick- 
set, and  stocky  unite  in  marriage,  but  should  choose  those  differently 
constituted — but  on  no  account  one  of  their  own  make.  And,  in 
general,  those  predisposed  to  corpulence  are  therefore  less  inclined  to 
marriage. 

Those  who  have  but  little  hair  or  beard  by  nature  should  marry 
those  whose  hair  is  naturally  abundant.  Still,  those  who  once  had 
abundance,  but  who  have  lost  it,  may  marry  those  who  are  either 
bald  or  have  but  little;  for  in  this,  as  in  all  other  cases,  far  less  de- 
pends on  what  one  is,  than  has  been — on  present  states,  than  what 
they  are  by  nature. 

Nor  can  or  should  those  who  have  jet-black  hair  and  eyes,  and  a 
dark  complexion,  marry  those  who  are  equally  dark,  but,  instead,  those 
who  are  fine-skinned,  and  have  light,  auburn,  or  red  hair.  The  law 
which  governs  this  whole  matter  is  nature’s  requisition  for  propor- 
tion.73 She  would  not  that  any  one  part  of  her  productions  should 
greatly  predominate  over  the  other  parts — branches  over  roots,  head 
over  body,  or  body  over  head — but  ordains  that  there  shall  be  about 
as  much  strength  in  stomach  as  head,  and  heart  and  muscles  as  either, 
but  no  more  in  either  than  in  all  the  others,  and  strives  to  bring  what- 
ever is  seriously  disproportionate  back  to  equilibrium,  both  heredi- 
tarily. and  by  subsequently  strengthening  the  weakest  organs  most.70 

Those  whose  motive  temperament  decidedly  predominates,  who  are 
bony,  only  moderately  fleshy,  quite  prominent  featured,  Roman-nosed, 
and  muscular,  should  not  marry  those  similarly  formed,  but  those 
either  sanguine  or  nervous,  or  a compound  of  both,  for  being  more 
strong  than  susceptible  or  emotional,  they  both  require  that  their  own 
emotions  should  be  perpetually  prompted  by  an  emotional  companion, 
and  that  their  children  also  be  endowed  with  the  emotional  from  the 
other  parent.  That  is,  those  who  are  cool,  should  marry  those  who 
are  impulsive  and  susceptible. 

Nor  should  little  nervous  men  marry  either  little  nervous  or  san- 
guine women,  lest  both  they  and  their  children  have  quite  too  much 
of  the  hot-headed  and  impulsive.  Generally,  those  who  are  small  are 
therefore  more  eagerly  sought  than  the  large.  Of  course  this  general 
fact  has  its  exceptions.  Some  are  small  hereditarily,  others  rendered 
so  by  extra  action  in  some  form — over-study,  over- work,  or  passional 
excitement.  During  growth  their  nervous  systems  consumed  energy 
faster  than  their  vital  could  manufacture  it,  which  dwarfed  their  stat- 


306 


SPECIFIC  CONJUGAL  ADAPTATIONS. 


ure.  Size  is  one  measure  of  power,  and  nervous  excitability  another— 
at  least  of  its  expenditure.  Now  those  who  are  both  large  and  excit- 
able will  expend  a double  amount  of  energy  over  those  who  are  either 
small  and  excitable,  or  large  and  sluggish.  Hence  great  size,  along 
with  extreme  susceptibility,  would  exert  any  amount  of  power,  and 
therefore  those  who  are  too  small  should  intermarry  with  those  at  least 
good  sized,  in  order  to  balance  their  undue  ardor  with  the  others  cool- 
ness and  power.  And  if  escorting  a woman  of  more  commanding 
appearance  than  himself  should  mortify  a small  man,  let  him  both  feel 
proud  that  he  could  win  one  his  physical  superior,  and  also  remember, 
better  he  be  mortified  a little,  than  all  his  children  always.  Yet 
she  need  not  exceed  him  in  stature  much,  especially  if  prominent 
featured  and  rather  large  framed,  for  a good-sized  woman  is  but'  little 
larger  than  a small-sized  man. 

Still,  a large  man  really  must  not  marry  a small-boned,  small- 
nosed, small-mouthed  woman.  The  wife  of  a large  man  really  must 
have  a large  mouth,  and  have  a tough,  enduring  temperament. 

But  the  great  majority  of  temperaments  are  not  sufficiently  extreme 
to  warrant  offsetting,  except  in  one  or  two  particulars.  Generally, 
harmony  is  better  than  contrast,  except  in  some  minor  peculiarities. 
And  those  who  do  marry  opposites  really  must  keep  vigilant  watch 
lest  their  opposite  traits  repel  at  least  the  first  year  or  two  after  mar- 
riage ] besides  cultivating  forbearance  on  these  special  points,  and 
then  cherishing  their  affections.73 

But  leaving  readers  to  judge  from  these  examples,  aided  by  the  prin- 
ciples already  given,72  73  when  and  wherein,  as  well  as  wherefore  they 
require  similar  or  different  temperaments  and  casts  of  features,  let  us 
apply  these  same  principles  to  cases  requiring 

Similar  and  Dissimilar  Phrenological  Organs.  If  the  effects  of 
temperament  are  the  more  fundamental,  they  are  not  more  practically 
important,  or  productive  of  concord  or  discord,  than  their  respective 
individual  mental  qualities.  The  more  so  since  they  involve  those 
every-day  workings  of  the  mental  faculties,  tastes,  and  sentiments 
which  make  up  the  very  woof  of  life.  Wherever  these  are  in  contrast, 
the  danger  of  perpetual  discord  and  opposition  is  imminent,  unless  both 
make  perpetual  allowances.  Yet,  again,  there  are  cases  in  which  this 
opposition  is  as  necessary  as  night  to  day. 

There  is  a masculine,  and  also  a feminine  type  of  head  and  charac- 
ter.466 Our  next  volume  will  show  in  what  they  consist.  Suffice  it 
here  that  those  men  who  have  several  peculiarities  of  the  feminine 
head,  that  is,  who  take  their  character  mainly  from  their  mother  or 
grandmother,  should  marry  those  who  take  mainly  after  their  father, 


WHO  SHOULD  MARRY  WHOM,  AND  WHY. 


807 


lest  there  be  too  much  of  the  feminine,  emotional,  susceptible,  and 
affectional,  both  for  the  good  of  the  marital  relations  themselves,  and 
for  the  best  endowment  of  their  mutual  children.  Women  thus  con- 
stituted love  only  those  men  who  are  strongly  masculinized,  who  take 
after  their  father  or  mother’s  father,  and  can  command  and  control  ) 
whereas,  those  women  who  inherit  several  masculine  traits,  such  as 
firmness  and  force,  should  marry  men  who  strongly  resemble  their 
mothers,  lest  both  being  self-willed,  they  and  their  children  should 
lack  the  fine-grained  and  emotional,  and  be  doubly  obstinate.  The 
children  of  such  women,  too,  are  usually  fewer  and  poorer  than  of 
those  strongly  feminized.  But  strongly  feminized  men  need  strongly 
masculinized  women,  partly  to  spur  them  to  effort  and  encourage  or 
help  them  take  their  own  part,  and  sometimes  to  assume  responsibilities 
and  take  the  lead.  Such  men  often  feel  incompetent  to  push  them- 
selves forward,  and  require  energetic  women  able  and  willing  to  lead, 
judge,  and  command. 

Still,  this  class,  of  which  the  woman’s  rights  movement  furnishes  ex- 
amples. are  not  popular — perhaps  not  as  much  prized  as  they  deserve 
to  be — because  few  such  are  required.  They  have  their  special  place 
in  the  great  temple  of  humanity,  but  are  necessary  in  this  place.  Such 
should  not  marry  firm,  obstinate,  inexorable,  hard-faced  men,  but 
rather  those  whom  they  can  mold.  They  need  those  u putty  men” 
who  are  easily  placed,  and  remain  there,  yet  could  not  love  those  who 
are  domineering  or  arbitrary. 

Still,  there  are  again  women  who  are  endowed  with  more  than  ordi- 
nary force,  and  unite  considerable  of  the  masculine,  perhaps  even  more 
than  the  feminine,  who  require  to  marry  men  still  more  willful  and 
forcible,  but  who  unite  superior  judgment  to  a strong  will,  so  that, 
while  such  women  yield  to  the  stronger  wills  of  their  husbands,  they 
may  rely  on  their  willing  and  guiding  correctly.  And  such  women 
make  those  men  to  whom  they  are  adapted  the  very  best  of  wives,  be- 
sides bearing  the  highest  order  of  children,  who  unite  masculine  force 
to  feminine  fineness. 

Yet  when  such  women  marry  headstrong  but  injudicious  men, 
who  decide  more  from  feeling  than  judgment,  besides  often  deciding 
wrong,  adhere  pertinaciously  to  their  decision,  their  lot  is  indeed  hard. 
Firm,  both  absolutely,  and  because  intellectually  conscious  that  their 
way  is  best,  yet  willing  to  defer  to  superior  judgment,  to  be  domineered 
over  by  men  whom  they  feel  to  be  inferior  to  themselves,  and  who  are 
constantly  committing  errors,  the  very  interest  they  naturally  take 
in  their  husband’s  success,  and  their  consciousness  that  his  indiscretions 
must  occasion  their  failure,  both  render  their  situation  intolerable,  and 


308 


SPECIFIC  CONJUGAL  ADAPTATIONS. 


forestall  all  disposition  to  love.  If  such  men  could  but  see,  as  an 
intellectual  problem,  that  such  women  are  the  very  ones  they  require, 
but  that  they  should  always  confer  with  and  heed  their  advice,  and 
call  in  their  judgment  to  help  devise  as  well  as  execute  their  mutual 
plans,  they  would  render  their  wives’  position  most  agreeable  instead 
of  painful,  and  every  way  most  promotive  of  their  mutual  happiness 
and  success.  How  important  a change  effected  by  conditions  how  ap- 
parently trifling  ! 

Yet  in  ninety-nine  cases  in  every  hundred,  such  men  spoil  such 
women.  They  are  drawn  to  each  other  at  first  because  naturally 
adapted  to  each  other,  but  their  adaptation  is  spoiled  by  denying  her 
her  natural  place  in  their  copartnership.  An  example : 

Fifteen  years  ago,  a couple  proposing  marriage,  applied  to  the  author 
to  determine  their  mutual  adaptation,  but  received  a discouraging 
answer,  on  the  ground  that  both  were  too  firm  and  combative,  while 
her  Causality  could  submit  to  his  authority  only  when  sure  that  his 
judgment  was  right.  They  however  married.  Years  afterward  they 
again  consulted  respecting  the  best  means  of  obviating  the  very  evil  pre- 
viously prophesied.  She  was  sensible  as  well  as  willful,  and  could  have 
been  easily  controlled  by  a husband  who  had  a strong  mind  along  with 
will,  but  not  by  one  who  had  more  will,  but  less  judgment  than  she. 

Hence  a man  whose  forehead  retreats,  but  crown  projects  up  and 
back,  should  never  marry  one  whose  forehead  rises  and  spreads  at  its 
upper  portion,  and  who  is  also  large  in  the  crown.  A woman  in  whom 
Firmness  and  Self-Esteem  are  small,  or  only  fair,  but  intellectual 
organs  large,  may  marry  a man  whose  will  is  stronger,  even  though 
his  intellect  is  smaller  than  hers.  Yet  much  better  for  both  if  his 
intellect  is  still  larger  than  hers,  so  that  her  intellect  as  well  as  will 
may  repose  in  his  superior  judgment.  Such  a woman  feels  inadequate 
to  assume  responsibilities  or  set  herself  at  work,  and  must  lean  on 
some  one  for  a guide,  and  to  her  a poor  one  is  better  than  none.  Nat- 
urally dependent,  she  must  lean,  if  even  on  a crooked  stick.  Fortu- 
nately, however,  such  a one  can  adapt  herself  to  almost  any  man. 
Hence,  if  her  second  husband  should  be  totally  different  from  her  first, 
and  third  from  either,  she  could  yet  conform  to  each  with  equal  ease, 
and  if  Combativeness  is  large,  will  work  most  effectually  and  will- 
ingly with  and  for  each,  however  opposite  their  avocations,  besides 
quietly  adapting  herself  to  extreme  vicissitudes,  by  making  the  best  of 
what  is.  Such,  especially  if  Amativeness  is  large,  make  the  very  best 
of  wives,  because  both  efficient,  yet  dependent  and  affectionate,  as  well 
as  conformable.  And  there  are  many  such. 

Combativeness  may  be  large  in  both,  provided  both  are  cool,  and 


WHO  SHOULD  MARRY  WHOM,  AND  WHY. 


309 


cherish  affection  ; but  if  both  are  nervous  and  irritable,  as  well  as  con- 
trary, perpetual  warfare  is  almost  certain  to  ensue,  unless  forestalled 
by  the  highest  order  of  forbearance  and  genuine  affection.  Still,  it  is 
a curious  fact  in  the  natural  history  of  the  affections,  that  Approbative- 
ness  has  more  to  do  with  war  or  peace  than  any  other  faculty.  When 
it  is  very  large  in  both,  and  Combativeness  large,  and  their  nerves  are 
disordered,  each  is  easily  affected  by  the  least  intimation  of  error  or 
defect,  and  also  quick  to  resent,  yet  both  are  liable  to  say  more  than 
they  mean,  and  each  to  construe  what  is  said  into  more  than  is  really 
intended.  As  both  feel  intensely,  they  express  themselves  hyperboli- 
cally,  which  each  construes  literally,  and  hence  criminations  and  re- 
criminations almost  inevitably  follow,  each  aggravating  because  aggra- 
vated, and  often  blow  sparks  into  flames,  which,  let  alone,  would  die 
the  instant  they  were  struck.  If  such  marry,  both  must  realize  this 
weakness  and  guard  against  it,  make  allowances  for  it  in  themselves 
and  companion,  and  especially  make  up  differences  as  soon  as  they 
arise.86  Probably  more  conjugal  animosities  are  engendered  by  wound- 
ed Approbativeness  than  by  any  other  cause.21  Nor  does  anything 
else  as  effectually  rouse  whatever  conflicting  elements  exist  in  both. 
Pride  is  the  product  of  this  same  extreme  Approbativeness,  along  with 
a highly  wrought,  temperament,  and  becomes  one  of  the  best  of  traits 
if  properly  managed,  but  one  of  the  worst  if  reversed.  Hence,  not 
only  should  a proud,  stylish,  aristocratic  woman  not  marry  a man 
humble  in  feeling  or  station,  but  whoever  marries  such  a woman  must 
feed  her  pride  on  something.  If  not  able  to  satisfy  it  by  dress  and  a 
stylish  establishment,  he  must  be  doubly  careful  to  feed  it  by  perpet- 
ual commendations  and  declarations  of  esteem  and  affection.  But  if 
both  are  proud  spirited,  both  must  be  doubly  careful  not  to  wound  the 
pride  of  the  other,  for,  by  so  doing,  they  stab  love  to  its  very  core. 

Yet,  again,  many,  while  they  satisfy  this  faculty  as  far  as  concerns 
living  in  style,  yet  wound  it  between  each  other  by  each  saying  and 
doing  what  humbles  the  pride  of  the  other.  This  will  never  answer. 
Approbativeness  must  be  respected  and  humored,  but  not  crossed. 
And  those  who  have  married  proud-spirited  companions  must  turn 
pride  into  a right  channel,  but  at  all  events  gratify  it  in  some  form. 

Large  Secretiveness  in  both  operates  unfavorably,  because  it  creates 
a reserve,  an  arm’s-length  distance  between  them,  a suppression  of 
each  other’s  motives,  which  prevent  each  from  expressing  the  love  felt, 
and  render  both  doubtful  whether  beloved  by  the  ocher,  which  still 
further  chills  both.  How  many  such  really  love  each  other  devotedly, 
yet  conceal  instead  of  declaring  their  affections,  and  hence  fall  into 
mutual  distrust,  form  reserved  habits  toward  each  other,  both  really 


310 


SPECIFIC  CONJUGAL  ADAPTATIONS. 


desiring  to  love  and  be  loved,  yet  keeping  each  other  at  respectful  dis- 
tances, while  each  fears  that  the  other  is  indifferent.  Those  who 
judge  each  other  by  their  acts,  should  remember  that  actions  speak 
louder  than  words.  Better  those  who  are  reserved  marry  those  who 
are  frank,  because  the  latter  need  occasional  restriction  by  the  former, 
while  the  former  are  pleased  by  the  frank,  outspoken  declarations  of 
the  other.  But  those  who  are  too  frank,  often  mutually  irritate  and 
wound  each  other’s  feelings  by  saying  more  than  they  really  mean. 

An  extremely  cautious  woman,  easily  frightened,  should  never 
marry  a timid,  hesitating  man,  lest,  like  frightened  children,  each 
should  keep  perpetually  re-alarming  the  other  by  imaginary  fears. 
Nor  should  she  marry  a careless  man,  lest  his  recklessness  should 
perpetually  frighten  her  ; for  he  will  commit  just  indiscretions  enough 
to  keep  her  in  perpetual  fear  and  trembling;  but  she  should  marry  one 
who  is  bold,  yet  judicious,  so  that  her  intellect,  by  reposing  in  his 
tried  judgment,  can  feel  safe,  and  let  her  trust  in  him  quiet  her  nat- 
ural fearfulness. 

Still,  a timid  man  should  marry  a resolute  woman,  lest  the  fears 
of  both  render  him  pusillanimous.  Yet  he  should  also  marry  one  who 
has  sufficient  judgment  to  be  allowed  the  reins.  Many  men  live  tame 
lives,  though  abundantly  capable  of  accomplishing  almost  anything 
they  might  undertake,  because  too  irresolute  to  once  begin ; whereas, 
■with  a judicious  yet  resolute  wife  to  prompt  them  to  take  the  initiatory 
step,  they  would  fill  responsible  positions. 

Except  where  Acquisitiveness  is  overgrown,  which  it  rarely  is  in 
this  country,  an  industrious,  thrifty,  hard-working  man  should  marry 
a woman  wrho  is  tolerably  saving.  All  the  better  if  she  is  as  indus- 
trious as  he.  Yet  the  education  of  our  girls  prevents  their  seeming  to 
be  as  industrious  or  economical  as  they  really  are.  Every  want  grat- 
ified by  indulgent  fathers,  they  have  no  idea  of  the  value  of  money, 
and  perhaps  at  marriage  take  no  interest  in  a husband’s  pecuniary 
affairs;  yet,  if  his  circumstances  require  it,  soon  become  industrious, 
saving,  and  even  penurious.  As  the  L'  almighty  dollar”  is  now  the  great 
motor- wheel  of  humanity,  and  that  to  which  most  husbands  devote  their 
entire  lives,  to  delve  alone  becomes  up-hill  work.  Much  more  if  she 
indulges  her  extravagance.  It  becomes  doubly  important,  therefore, 
that  both  work  together  in  this  respect.  Yet  if  either  has  property 
enough  to  create  in  both  a feeling  of  contentment,  the  Acquisitiveness 
of  the  other  is  less  important,  yet  opposition  here  often  engenders  op- 
position elsewhere. 

If  either  loves  good  living,  it  is  important  that  both  should  also  love 
it — -he  to  provide  table  luxuries,  she  to  serve  them  up,  and  both  to 


WHO  SHOULD  MARRY  WHOM,  AND  WHY. 


311 


enjoy  them  together.  Indeed,  a good  appetite  in  both  can  often  be 
made  a means  of  harmonizing  their  discordant  points.  Much  more  in 
both  to  promote  concord. 

Those  men  in  whom  Ideality  is  large,  should  by  all  means  marry 
women  in  whom  it  is  also  large:  yet  women  in  whom  it  is  large  may 
venture  to  marry  men  in  whom  it  is  only  fair,  provided  other  matters 
are  favorable;  for  a man  of  taste  can  never  endure  a slattern,  while  a 
woman  of  taste  can  bear  with  a man  who  is  careless  of  appearances, 
and  even  love  him,  provided  he  has  sufficient  power  and  stamina  of 
character  to  divert  her  in  matters  of  taste  by  his  sturdy  sterling  char- 
acteristics. 

The  author  once  examined  publicly  a clergyman  of  commanding 
talents,  superior  eloquence,  and  the  highest  moral  worth,  and  under- 
took to  describe  his  wife  from  his  head ; ascribing  to  her  superior  taste, 
refinement,  personal  neatness,  beauty,  elegance  of  manners,  poetry, 
and  many  other  like  expressions  denoting  large  Ideality;  but  was 
laughed  at  because  she  was  the  reverse  of  all  this,  yet  commended  as 
having  given  a correct  description  of  himself.  The  event,  however, 
virtually  proved  the  correctness  of  the  prediction,  for  he  lived  unhap- 
pily, and  spent  much  of  his  time  from  home,  because  he  could  not  en- 
dure her  coarseness  and  slatternly  habits,  and  never  took  her  out  with 
him.  He  had  married  from  other  motives  than  those  of  love,  and  was 
anything  but  conjugally  mated  or  happy,  so  that  the  prediction  was 
right  in  principle  after  all.  The  rule  was  proved  by  the  erroneous- 
ness of  its  wrong  application. 

Similarity  in  religious  matters  is  probably  more  important  than  in 
any  other  respect,  except  that  of  the  affections.72  The  wife  may  and 
should  be  the  more  devout,  yet  if  she  is  devout,  he  should  not  be  an 
infidel.  If  the  other  points  of  union  are  strong,  they  may  indeed  bear, 
he  with  her,  to  him,  superstition — she  with  his,  to  her,  u hardness  of 
heart  f yet  how  much  more  congenial  if  both  love  to  worship  devoutly, 
but  at  the  same  divine  altar.  If  she  is  tortured  by  fears  lest  he 
should  be  eternally  lost,  while  he  merely  tolerates  her  religious  enthu- 
siasm just  to  gratify  her  whims,  this  disunion,  being  fundamental  and 
inhering  in  the  highest  human  faculties,  is  quite  liable  to  alienate 
both.  Still,  if  either  has  more  affection  than  religion,  that  one  will 
gradually  adopt  the  religion  of  the  other,  so  that  they  will  virtually 
become  one  in  this  respect.  But  those  who  are  actuated  by  a deep 
and  sincere  piety  feel,  with  Micah,  that  their  religion  is  their  all,  and 
hence  mutual  sympathy  here  is  of  the  utmost  consequence  to  both. 
Still,  if  they  hold  religion  in  light  esteem,  religious  differences  matter 
the  less,  while  religious  union  becomes  the  more  important  in  propor- 


312 


SPECIFIC  CONJUGAL  ADAPTATIONS. 


tion  as  they  esteem  religion  the  more  highly.  Those  who  differ  fun- 
damentally respecting  religion  must  indeed  be  well  adapted  to  each 
other  in  other  respects  to  prevent  this  difference  from  proving  serious. 
Attest,  ye  who  experience  this  difference,  if  it  is  not  indeed  formi- 
dable ! And  ye  who,  devout  yourselves,  love  those  who  are  devout,  if 
you  do  not  find  religious  sympathy  your  strong  incentive  to  mutual 
affection?  Even  when  parties  marry  in  religious  sympathy,  but  one 
changes,  this  difference  becomes  a wall  of  separation  between  them. 
Still,  if  their  adaptation  is  marked  in  other  respects,  and  both  can  tol- 
erate this  difference  and  yet  cultivate  affection,  they  can  both  avoid 
any  open  rupture,  and  get  along  passably  well  together.  But  one  who 
has  a low,  short  head  on  top,  never  can  satisfy  the  moral  sentiment 
of  one  whose  head  is  high,  long,  and  wide  on  top. 

Even  if  neither  care  for  any  particular  tenets,  their  moral  tone  and 
atmosphere  will  be  so  different  as  to  repel  each  other  continually. 
Such  a difference  will  prove  most  irksome  to  the  moral  one,  and  dis- 
gusting to  both.  Marry,  “but  only  in  the  Lord,”  says  Paul. 

It  is  also  important  that  the  habits  and  associations  of  both  should 
resemble  each  other  as  nearly  as  may  be.  If  one  is  fond  of  concerts, 
parties,  lectures,  and  the  like,  the  other  should  be  equally  so.  Or  if 
either  prefers  a quiet  fireside  to  any  kind  of  public  gathering,  it  is 
very  important  that  both  should  be  equally  fond  of  home.  If  one  has 
any  special  passion,  say  for  horticulture,  or  fine  horses,  or  any  partic- 
ular study,  or  kind  of  reading,  the  more  the  other  has  a like  procliv- 
ity the  better — another  reason  why  both  should  marry  substantially 
from  the  same  plane  in  life.58 

“ Yet  is  a poetic  love  sure  to  follow  this  intellectual  decision?” 

Absolutely  certain.  Rendered  so  by  this  law  of  mind,  that  love 
always  follows  admiration.  All  involuntarily  love  whatever  they 
admire.  Then,  as  a man  who  admires  a pretty  hand  naturally  falls 
in  love  with  the  girl  who  has  pretty  hands,  and  because  she  has  them  ; 
as  he  who  admires  a small  waist  instinctively  loves  only  one  who  has 
this  admired  wasp-like  waist — and  the  smaller  her  waist  the  larger 
his  love — as  she  who  admires  nobleness  or  talent  loves  only  those  who 
possess  the  loved  quality  \ so,  by  a law  of  mind,  love  involuntarily  fol 
lows  admiration,  and  this  intellect.  The  standard  of  admiration  once 
established  on  a correct  base,  love  naturally  supervenes,  and  instead 
of  being  difficult,  becomes  spontaneous.  In  short,  the  intellectual  per- 
ception that  a given  object  is  exactly  adapted  to  us  in  marriage,  almost 
compels  those  having  clear  heads  and  loving  hearts  to  bestow  their 
affections  on  each  other. 

But  having  already  covered  this  point,  we  shall  allow  these  illustra- 


INTUITION  THE  FINAL  UMPIRE. 


313 


tions  as  to  who  require  similarities  and  differences  to  so  far  illustrate 
the  law  which  underlies  this  subject,  that  each  and  all  can  apply  it  to 
the  selection  of  those  who  harmonize  with  them  wherein  they  require 
harmony,  yet  offsetting  any  of  their  liabilities  to  extremes,  physical 
and  mental. 

The  accompanying  en grav- 
ing, of  one  of  four  idiotic  chil- 
dren, furnishes  a practical  il- 
lustration of  the  evils  of  the 
union  of  two  low  temperaments. 

Though  both  his  parents  passed 
tolerably  -well  in  society,  and 
were  fairly  sensible  and  intelli- 
gent, yet  all  their  children  were 
non  compos  mentis , and  this  one 
so  very  a fool  that  he  could 
never  even  feed  himself*  where- 
as, if  they  each  had  married  a 
more  spicy  temperament,  their 
child  would  doubtless  have  been 
brighter  and  better  than  their 
parents,  instead  of  as  now  lower. 

77.  INTUITION,  OR  £iTHE  LIGHT  WITHIN/5  THE  FINAL  UMPIRE. 

“ There  is  an  inspiration  in  man,  and  the  breath  of  the  Almighty  is  in  him.”— Job, 

“ Man  knows  the  right,  and  yet  the  wrong  pursues.” 

“But  you  entangle  this  matter  more  and  more  as  you  proceed. 
You  first  make  us  tremble  in  view  of  the  influence  love  necessarily 
wields  over  us.  You  then  frighten  us  with  the  direst  penalties  if  we 
neither  love  nor  marry.40  You  next  show  how  infinitely  eventful  for 
good  a right,  for  bad  a wrong  marriage.  And,  to  crown  all,  climax  this 
whole  matter  by  showing  both  how  exceedingly  important  that  we 
choose  one  exactly  adapted  to  ourselves,  and  also  how  many  conditions 
make  up  that  adaptation,  and  then  call  in  this  Phrenology  and  the 
rules  with  which  few  of  us  are  familiar.  All  this  seems  true,  but  is 
enough  to  intimidate  all  but  the  reckless  from  even  attempting  so  dif- 
ficult a task  as  a right  selection.  Pray,  is  there  no  guide  that  is  sim- 
ple— certain  one  neither  elaborate  nor  doubtful,  by  which  the  illiterate 
as  well  as  the  learned,  by  which  even  ( the  wayfaring  man,  though  a 
fool,5  may  be  conducted  to  a right  conjugal  choice?55 

Indeed  there  is.  Nature  makes  known  her  requisitions  by  her  in- 
stincts.43  These  instincts  proclaim  her  matrimonial  period,39  and 

14 


314 


SPECIFC  CONJUGAL  ADAPTATIONS. 


duality  of  love,43  and  also  constitute  a sure  and  certain  guide  to  its 
appropriate  object.  This  instinct  has  three  bases.  First,  the  general 
base,  that  all  Nature’s  instincts,  human  and  animal,  harmonize  with, 
and  proclaim  her  requisitions}  secondly,  that  the  love  sentiment,  like 
appetite,  will  have  a natural  relish  for  that  specific  object,  exactly 
adapted  to  its  individual  want,  in  each  particular  case  ; and  thirdly, 
that  there  is  an  “ inspiration  in  man,”  a light  within,”  a personal 
philosopher’s  stone,”  which  proclaims  universal  truth  and  universal 
utility.  Its  base  is  the  phrenological  organ  of  Spirituality.  See 
analyses  of  this  faculty  in  the  author’s  recent  works.  Though  rea- 
son is  man’s  governing  faculty,  yet  he  is  often  required  to  choose 
in  cases  where  the  data  requisite  to  enable  reason  to  decide  correctly 
has  not  yet  transpired.  He  must,  therefore,  be  obliged  to  “ leap  in 
the  dark,”  unless  guided  by  that  premonition,  that  feeling  it  in  the 
bones,”  that  u intuitive  presentiment,”  that  u waking  clairvoyance,” 
which  becomes  a guide  more  and  more  perceptible  and  reliable  in  pro- 
portion as  the  temperament  is  more  fine-grained  and  mental,  both 
of  which  usually  accompany  each  other.  Ignore  this  guide,  if  you 
will,  by  calling  it  too  visionary,  too  much  on  the  airy-castle  order  to 
be  relied  upon  in  deciding  matters  so  eventful,  but  it  constitutes  one 
of  Nature’s  guides  to  her  children,  with  which  none  can  afford  to 
dispense.  Having  applied  all  the  other  faculties  to  their  fullest  extent, 
having  fulfilled  all  her  other  marital  guides  respecting  both  general 
qualifications  and  special  adaptations,  perhaps  having  found  several  who 
are  eligible,  and  now  wishing  to  select  the  very  best  one  of  all  for  your- 
self, retire  within  your  own  soul,  throw  yourself  into  that  musing,  med- 
itative mood  already  described,42  and  consult  this  interior  oracle.  As 
■when  Habakkuk  would  prophesy  he  used  means  to  induce  the  prophetic 
mood,  so  all  can  and  should  induce  a like  mood,  in  a greater  or  less 
degree,  in  reference  to  whom  they  shall  marry,  and  consult  this  mood 
for  days  and  months.  Ask  yourself  how  this  one  or  that,  considered 
absolutely  or  relatively,  strikes  on  this  inner  sense,  or  this  deepest, 
most  interior  recess  of  your  soul  ? Flow  do  you  feel  in  view  of  this 
marriage  or  that  ? Does  this  one  or  that  seem  the  most  desirable  ? 
When  your  mind  is  previously  occupied,  and  instantly  recurs  to  this 
person  or  that,  does  he  or  she  strike  you  in  the  most  pleasing,  in- 
viting aspect?  Or  comes  there  along  with  it  a repulsion,  a cold 
shiver,  as  if  you  were  about  to  take  some  fatal  step  ? Of  several  pro- 
posed candidates,  which  suddenly  strike  this  inner  sense  as  just  the 
very  one?  And  both  should  experience  this  interior  sanction-^both  a 
certain  peace  and  quiet,  in  view  of  their  marriage  with  each  other,  as 
if  it  was  the  very  step  presided  over  and  directed,  as  it  were,  by  some 


INTUITION  THE  FINAL  UMPIRE. 


315 


u ministering  angel.”  Unless  both  experience  this  presentiment,  its 
genuineness  is  doubtful. 

But  above  all  things,  whenever  you  find  yourself  musing  over 
this  or  that  proposed  marriage,  if  you  experience  a certain  indefinable 
shrinking  therefrom,  if  a kind  of  “cold  shudder”  comes  over  you,  as 
you  contemplate  it,  as  if  some  guardian-spirit  whispered.  u No,  there 
is  death  in  the  pot.”  on  no  account  consummate  it.  By  all  means  heed 
this  premonitory  forewarning.  You  will  find  salvation  in  heeding^ 
but  destruction  in  disobeying  it.  No  matter  how  apparently  plausible 
everything  seems,  as  if  all  were  just  right,  if  the  proposed  party  comes 
recommended  well  enough,  is  wealthy  enough,  handsome  enough,  and 
however  much  besides,  yet  if  you  experience  this  internal  repulsion, 
your  marriage  will  prove  disastrous.  Say,  ye  who  are  uncongenial, 
whether,  though  looking  back  from  this  distant  stand- point,  you  can 
not  even  now  remember  this  interior  aversion,  as  if  your  soul  sickened 
at  the  thought,  as  if  preparing  for  a funeral,  as  if  some  calamity  im- 
pended. Perhaps  it  did  not  then  fully  arrest  your  attention  ; yet  did 
it  not  make  itself  felt  on  your  interior  consciousness,  so  that  even  at 
this  distant  day  you  recollect  its  aversion  to  your  marriage  more  dis- 
tinctly than  any  other  event  then,  or  since  ? Say  further,  ye  who 
married  in  spite  thereof,  whether  you  have  not  ever  since  loathed 
that  fatal  day?  Those  who  are  married  can  almost  always  recall 
such  premonitory  forewarnings.  Some  felt  as  if  a dark  cloud  hung 
over  their  future ; or  as  if  they  walked  on  the  verge  of  a precipice  * or. 
when  preparing  for  the  marriage,  as  if  making  preparations  for  some- 
thing dreadful,  instead  of  desirable  ; or  were  startled  in  their  sleep  by 
some  awful  impending  consequences;  or  as  if  about  to  sign  their 
death-warrant ; or  as  if  lost,  spell-bound,  and  almost  unconscious  of 
where  they  were  or  what  they  were  doing,  or  obliged  to  submit  them- 
selves to  some  dreadful  fate;  but  all  recognize  this  emotion  in  some 
form,  and  in  a greater  or  less  degree.  Those  who  thus  “ feel  it  in 
their  bones,”  but  ignore  this  feeling,  will  have  aching  “bones”  the 
balance  of  their  lives. 

But . per  contra ^ attest  ye,  who  are  happily  married,  if  you  did  not 
feel  involuntarily  drawn  to  this  particular  person ; whether  you  did  not 
contemplate  this  marriage  with  a certain  poetic  revery,  as  if  it  seemed 
delightful — not  with  a wild,  false  excitement,  but  with  a calmness, 
along  with  involuntary  drawing  thereto,  as  if  it  exactly  met  with  your 
specific  wants,  and  harmonized  with  your  consciousness;  as  if  it  were 
“ precious,  and  every  way  desirable.”  When  a proposed  marriage 
seems  thus,  it  is  thus,  though  circumstances  make  against  it.  If  the 
one  toward  whom  vou  feel  thus  impressed  is  ooor  if  outside  opposition 


316 


SPECIFIC  CONJUGAL  ADAPTATIONS. 


interposes,  or  if  even  quite  serious  intellectual  objections  exist,  they 
will  generally  be  found  to  be,  after  all,  but  men  of  straw.  Nor  will 
it  answer  to  allow  these  seeming  objections  to  prevail.  Such  mar- 
riages are  Nature’s  behests,  and  on  no  account  to  be  set  aside. 

But  this  feeling  must  be  mutual  in  order  to  be  genuine.  If  Nature 
does  thus  sanction,  she  will  attest  her  sanction  by  bestowing  these  de- 
lightful whisperings  in  the  ears  of  both.  One  alone  does  not  suffice. 
“ It  requires  two  to  make  this  bargain.”  Love  must  be  mutual.  Any 
sentiment  not  mutual  is  something  else  than  genuine  love.  Both , or 
neither — a point,  however,  the  full  force  of  which  we  can  make  appar- 
ent only  in  Vol.  II. 

When  such  an  instinctively  mutual  inclination  is  felt  by  each  party 
toward  the  other,  neither  should  allow  anything  whatever — neither 
parental  authority,  nor  outside  opposition,  nor  circumstances  however 
untoward — to  prevent  their  marriage.  If  you  can  not  marry  to-day, 
bide  your  time ; but  make  your  vow,  and  wait  till  time  and  circum- 
stances shall  bring  you  together. 

“But  you  have,  all  along,  insisted  that  pure  intellect  and  reason 
shall  determine  this  point.  You  give  us,  seemingly,  excellent  rules 
of  selection,  but  practically  ignore  them  all  by  subjecting  all  other 
conditions  to  this  one  indefinite  mythological  feeling,  which  often  proves 
contrary  to  reason,  and  yet  make  it  the  final  arbiter.” 

Generally,  spiritual  guidance  should  act  in  conjunction  with  reason, 
but  never  contrary  to  it.  Reason,  intellect,  judgment,  all  the  faculties, 
along  with  all  the  directions  already  given,  should  be  brought  into 
full  action  beforehand  : say  all  they  have  to  say,  and  all  their  objec- 
tions be  duly  considered  ; yet,  after  consulting  all,  and  reasoning  on 
all,  let  this  instinct  or  inner  sense  sum  up  all,  instead  of  overruling 
either.  For  it  is  based  in  the  expressions  and  wants  of  all.  Nor  will 
it  ever  sanction  two.  It  may  say  Yes  to  both,  but  loudest  to  the  best 
one.  Nor  should  any  marriage  be  consummated  when  everything 
seems  to  make  against,  instead  of  for.  In  such  cases,  pause  or 
abandon. 

Socrates  was  executed  for  preaching  a kindred  doctrine,  namely, 
that  a good  spirit  attends  us  to  guide  and  instruct.  We  do  not  now  pre- 
tend to  enter  into  the  philosophy  which  underlies  this  internal  guid- 
ing, but  only  to  present  its  results  : do  not  say  that,  or  but  that,  it 
consists  in  a certain  inherent  property  of  mind,  which  obtains  most 
in  those  most  highly  endowed.  But  be  it  what  it  may,  it  neverthe- 
less is,  and  is  applicable  to  all  our  other  decisions,  but  most  to  mar- 
riage. It  confers  that  instinctive  perception  of  truth  which  is  inhe- 
rent in  mind,  and  assures  all  who  read  or  hear  in  an  unbiased  state, 


THE  PROPOSAL,  ACCEPTANCE,  AND  VOW. 


317 


that  this  is  true,  and  that  false.  Yet  it  must  not  be  confounded  with 
those  morbid  feelings  consequent  on  disease  or  nervousness,  which, 
Jeremiah-like,  “ prophesy  only  evil  continually.” 

78.  THE  PROPOSAL,  ACCEPTANCE,  AND  VOW. 

By  presupposition,  this  whole  matter,  having  been  thoroughly  can- 
vassed, and  all  its  conditions  duly  considered  both  ways,  he  has  made 
up  his  verdict — has  decided  on  a particular  girl  as  the  very  one  to  be- 
come his  wife. 

A definite  proposal  i s the  next  step  in  the  natural  order  of  its  con- 
summation. Granted  that  this  underlies  their  entire  conference 
touching  their  mutual  adaptation,  still  it  has  thus  far  been  only  prob- 
lematic. But  if  he  has  fully  made  up  his  mind,  his  next  step  is  to 
propose  himself  for  her  acceptance  or  rejection.  True,  her  consent  to 
the  canvass  implies  acceptance,  provided  all  is  found  to  be  right; 
yet  a summing-up  test  in  some  form  has  now  become  a necessity. 
And  for  these  reasons:  to  bring  this  whole  matter  to  a focus,  and  to 
furnish  a proper  time  for  a full,  fair  statement  of  all  objectional  condi- 
tions. Of  course  objections,  real  or  imaginary,  and  greater  or  less, 
must  exist.  Each  is  capable  of  being  improved  in  the  eyes  of  the 
other.  They  would  like  each  other  the  better  if  somewhat  different  in 
some  respects.  These  objections  may  be  only  seeming,  not  real.  At 
all  events,  if  they  have  not  all  been  already  fully  disposed  of,  it  is 
proper  that  they  be  put  on  record,  by  the  objecting  party  stating  and 
waiving,  or  the  other  agreeing  to  obviate  them.  And  the  proper  time 
to  state  them  definitely  is,  he,  in  his  letter  of  proposal — she,  in  hers 
of  acceptance  or  rejection,  “ or  ever  after  hold  their  peace.” 

This  proposal  and  acceptance,  along  with  these  objections,  and  the 
way  each  views  this  whole  matter,  ought  by  all  means  to  be  in  writ- 
ing. The  verbal  form  will  answer,  but  the  written  is  every  way  pref- 
erable, especially  as  facilitating  future  reference.  Their  relations,  in 
case  they  marry,  are  to  have  a Ion g future,  and  to  be  able  to  look  back 
from  any  subsequent  point  to  this  sacred  season — the  very  point  of 
their  union — will  be  found  most  desirable  and  profitable.  Yet,  in  or- 
der thereto,  they  require  something  definite  and  tangible.  Hence, 
committing  this  consummation  of  their  union  to  paper  is  peculiarly 
appropriate,  and  can  be  done  much  better  when  each  is  alone  and 
quiet,  with  all  their  faculties  at  command,  than  when  flushed  at  the 
false  excitement  incident  to  a verbal  proposal. 

u But  my  appearance  on  paper  would  be  so  awkward  that  I should 
not  wish  to  look  back  on  myself  in  so  sorry  a plight.” 

Instead,  genuine  human  nature  is  always  commendable,  however 


318 


SPECIFIC  CONJUGAL  ADAPTATIONS. 


dressed.  A diamond  is  none  the  less  a diamond  because  set  in  clay. 
The  mode  is  of  little  account  provided  the  reality  is  there.  Besides, 
now  is  the  time  to  manifest  whatever  excellences  are  possessed. 
And  all  required  to  appear  to  good  advantage  is,  simply  to  feel  right, 
and  express  naturally  just  what  is  felt.  Rhetorical  flourishes  are  not 
necessary.  A straightforward,  direct  expression  of  what  you  have  to 
say,  is  all  required.  Suffice  it  that  the  tender  is  unreserved,  or  if  de- 
pendent on  contingencies,  that  its  conditions  are  plainly  stated,  and  a 
right  heart  and  head  will  sanctify  any  error  in  manner. 

The  acceptance  or  rejection  should  be  equally  unequivocal.  Or,  if 
dependent  on  contingent  conditions,  they  should  he  fully  stated.  If 
these  contingencies  are  minor,  they  should  be  stated  only  to  he  waived  • 
but  if  fundamental,  should  be  disposed  of  in  some  way,  or  else  put  an 
end  to  their  relations. 

Mutuality  and  unanimity  now  become  most  important.  If  existing 
differences  can  neither  be  obviated  nor  compromised,  they  should  break 
up  the  canvass,  so  that  each  may  know  the  mind  of  the  other,  and 
look  elsewhere  for  companionship.  Or  if  any  bones  of  contention  exist 
between  them,  which  can  be  buried,  now  is  the  proper  period  for  their 
final  interment,  never  again  to  be  disturbed.  Or  more  properly, 
this  is  the  period  for  taking  the  initiatory  step  for  perfecting  each  in 
the  eyes  of  the  other,  by  stating  these  objections,  in  order  to  their 
obviation. 

Without  at  all  pretending  to  give  model  letters  of  proposal  or  ac- 
ceptance, because  circumstances  and  the  feelings  of  each  will  of  course 
vary  them  ad  infinitum , yet  the  following  may  serve  as  a sample  form 
from  which  to  work.  But  bear  in  mind  that,  up  to  this  point,  their 
relations  are  purely  those  of  business.  By  presupposition  no  love  has 
yet  been  allowed  to  spring  up  between  them  ; for  neither  has  any  right 
either  to  love,  or  to  allow  himself  or  herself  to  be  loved,  until  after 
they  are  affianced  to  each  other.84 

C.  D.  to  Miss  J.  B : 

Much  esteemed  Friend — As  I have  already  made,  and  you  accepted,  a 
proposal  to  canvass  our  mutual  adaptation  to  each  other  in  marriage, 
and  as  I have  fully  and  finally  canvassed  this  matter  in  its  various 
aspects,  it  is  about  time  either  to  consummate,  or  else  to  dismiss,  this 
proposal.  As  for  myself,  I have  deliberated  fully,  and  decided  finally; 
and  am  now  prepared  to  act.  Heretofore  I have  but  investigated  your 
character,  and  our  mutual  adaptation.  And  this  investigation  has 
awakened  in  me  a desire  to  consummate  the  relations  proposed.  I ap- 
preciate and  could  love  others,  but  frankly  confess  that  you  stand  first 


THE  PROPOSAL,  ACCEPTANCE,  AND  VOW. 


319 


in  my  estimation.  I admire  your  many  excellent  qualities.  All  I 
have  been  able  to  learn  respecting  you  has  but  confirmed  that  high  re- 
gard for  you  which  dictated  my  proposal.  To  me  your  manners  are 
pleasing,  and  your  mode  of  saying  and  doing  things  agreeable.  Your 
intelligence,  taste,  prudence,  practical  kindness,  and  many  other  excel- 
lent qualities,  too  numerous  to  mention  here,  have  awakened  my 
highest  admiration.  May  I,  then,  be  allowed  to  love  what  I so  much 
admire  ? 

True,  I could  wish  some  things  different — that  your  health  were 
more  robust,  yet  this  can  be  improved;  that  you  rose  earlier;  that 
you  were  interested  more  in  housekeeping,  and  less  in  the  fashions  ; 
were  more  serious,  and  less  impulsive — yet  all  these  minor  matters 
sink  into  insignificance  in  comparison  with  your  many  excellences. 
I especially  admire  your  glowing  affections,  and  those  evidences  of  a 
warm  and  devoted  love  obviously  inherent  in  your  nature. 

But  my  affections  are,  to  me,  infinitely  sacred  and  precious.  Nor 
can  I,  on  any  account,  bestow  them  on  any  one  who  can  not  fully  re- 
ciprocate them.  I will  bestow  my  love  on  you,  on  condition  that  you 
will  bestow  yours  on  me.  But  on  no  other.  Only  mutual  affection 
can  render  either  happy.  Having  canvassed  all  the  conditions,  and 
also  inquired  at  the  inner  temple  of  my  own  being,  I am  satisfied  I 
can  love  you  with  all  my  heart,  provided  you  also  can  love  me  with 
the  whole  of  yours.  Have  I,  then,  this  privilege,  on  this  condition  ? 
And  for  life  ? Forever  ? I crave  to  make  you  my  wife  ; to  live  with 
you  and  for  you ; to  offer  up  my  whole  being  a living  sacrifice  on  the 
altar  of  your  happiness;  and  to  make  you  the  guiding  star  of  my 
hopes,  labors,  and  life.  Shall  I,  then,  enshrine  you  as  the  queen  of  my 
soul?  Can  you  return  my  love?  If  I have  imperfections  in  your 
eyes,  which  I doubtless  have,  and  can  obviate  them  without  doing 
violence  to  my  own  nature,  and  consistently  with  my  duty  to  my 
Maker,  you  have  only  to  say  wherein,  and  I will  do  my  utmost  to 
make  myself  every  way  worthy  of  your  perfect  love. 

Rest  assured  this  is  no  trifling  compliment  I thus  pay  you  in  making 
this  candid  confession,  and  asking  this  important  question.  I have 
duly  weighed  the  eventualities  they  involve.  In  my  estimation,  this 
offering  to  become  your  husband,  and  requesting  you  to  become  my 
wife,  is  the  most  sacred  affair  in  life,  and  fraught  with  consequences 
the  most  momentous,  and  the  farthest  reaching  possible.  Yet  I vol- 
untarily offer  to  fulfill  them  to  the  very  best  of  my  abilities.  If  fidel- 
ity to  business,  and  honest,  assiduous  toil,  coupled  with  whatever  tal- 
ents I possess,  can  be  made  to  contribute  to  your  and  our  creature  com- 
forts, it  will  give  me  the  highest  pleasure  of  my  life  to  do  whatever 


320 


SPECIFIC  CONJUGAL  ADAPTATIONS. 


lies ^Ln  my  power  to  render  you  happy.  Do  you  accord  me  this 
privilege  ? 

I would  not.  do  not,  urge  your  acceptance.  I tender  you  willing 
hands  and  a warm  heart.  Yet  if  you  can  not  accept  them  cordially, 
by  all  means  decline  them.  Unless  you  can  really  and  truly  love  me 
above  all  others,  send  me  a negative  answer.  But  if  you  feel  that 
you  can  and  will  reciprocate  my  affection  for  you,  and  enter  with  me 
upon  the  life  before  us,  say  Yes,  and  thereby  add  my  gratitude  to  ad- 
miration, and  prescribe  your  own  time  and  mode  for  its  legal  con- 
summation. 

I would  not  hasten  your  reply.  This  is  indeed  a life-time  affair. 
Deliberate  fully.  And  if,  in  order  to  a judicious  decision,  you  require 
to  know  more  of  me,  u ask,  and  you  shall77  be  answered.  Yet  as  soon 
as  you  can  well  decide  wisely  and  fully,  be  kind  enough  to  favor  me 
with  your  reply.  Nor  hesitate  to  give  a negative  one  if  you  feel  dis- 
inclined to  the  proposed  union.  Meanwhile,  with  the  highest  esteem 
and  regard,  I hope  ever  to  remain,  as  I certainly  now  am,  yours 
truly,  C.  D. 

Of  course  a genuine  woman  ean  write  a much  better  reply  of  accept- 
ance or  decline  than  a man.  We  shall  not  even  pretend  to  give  a model 
one.  If  it  were  yet  time  for  a genuine  sentimental  love-letter,  we 
would  not  profane  the  subject  by  making  even  the  attempt.  But  both 
parties  are  yet  in  the  region  of  intellect.  Thus  far  the  transaction  is 
a purely  business  one.  But  if  we  can  not  write  a woman7s  letter,  we 
can  tell  what  reply  we  should  like  to  receive.  Its  spirit  might  run 
somewhat  as  follows : 

Boston,  Oct.  1 1th,  1859. 
Miss  J.  B to  Mr.  C.  D : 

Dear  Sir — Your  proffer  to  me  of  your  hand  and  heart  in  marriage  has 
been  duly  received,  and  its  important  eventualities  fully  weighed  in  all 
their  respective  bearings.  I consider  consummating  the  conjugal  rela- 
tions indeed  no  trifle,  and  have  deliberated  my  answer  accordingly. 

1 accept  your  proffer.  And  on  the  only  condition  you  propose, 
namely,  that  1 reciprocate  your  love.  This  I can  and  will  do  with  all 
my  heart.  Many  traits  in  your  character  have  already  awakened  my 
admiration  and  respect.  I admire  your  frank,  open,  and  manly  course 
in  this  whole  matter,*  your  appeal  to  my  parents,  whom  I trust  you 
will  learn  to  prize  and  love  as  I do;  your  intelligence,  frugality,  and 
industry;  and  hereby  surrender  myself  up  to  you,  in  the  perfect  assur- 
ance that  you,  or  rather  we — for  l shall  insist  on  working  with  you — 
can  provide  ourselves  with  all  the  necessaries,  if  not  luxuries  of  life. 


THE  PROPOSAL,  ACCEPTANCE,  AND  VOW. 


321 


If  all  your  capacities  and  excellences  have  not  yet  been  brought  out  by 
culture,  allow  me,  my  dear  Charles — for  I may  now  address  you  by 
that  affectionate  appellation — to  help  you  improve  yourself.  As  you 
are  now  mine,  allow  me  to  make  the  most  of  you,  that  I may  love  you 
all  the  better. 

I like  your  address  well,  yet  it  can  be  greatly  improved.  And  if  I 
should  occasionally  suggest  wherein , I know  you  will  gratefully  second 
my  endeavors  to  better  it  and  render  you  as  perfect  as  possible. 
More  prudence,  too,  would  improve  you  in  my  eyes,  for  you  sometimes 
venture  almost  rashly — an  error  I trust  you  will  correct,  which  you  are 
abundantly  able  to  accomplish.  Yet  I very  much  admire  that  energy 
of  character  of  which  it  is  the  redundance. 

But  you  have  one  habit,  dear  Charles,  abstinence  from  which  would 
greatly  enhance  my  estimation  of  you.  You  know  my  prejudices 
against  tobacco.  I,  too,  know  your  love  of  it.  I by  no  means  insist, 
but  I do  request  that  you  abandon  its  use.  I can  love  you  with 
it,  but  much  better  without;  and  if  you  will  relinquish  it  to  please 
me — and  this  will  also  benefit  you — I also  will  do  as  much  or  more  to 
conform  myself  to  your  wishes.  But  having  expressed  my  preference, 
I now  leave  you  either  to  continue  or  abandon  this  practice  as  you 
yourself  see  fit. 

And  now,  dear  Charles,  as  you  have  proposed  that  we  unite  hands, 
hearts,  and  fortunes,  and  become  one  for  life,  and  I have  accepted,  and 
on  your  own  terms,  I hereby  offer,  in  return,  my  own  hand  and  heart, 
and  consecrate  my  entire  being,  soul  and  body — all  1 am  and  can  be- 
come— to  you , and  you  alone.  I both  accord  to  you  the  “ privilege”  you 
crave  of  loving  me,  and  crave  in  return  a like  blessed  “ privilege ” of 
loving  you  with  all  my  heart,  soul,  might,  mind,  and  strength,  “for 
life — forever. 

Shall  we,  then,  now  consider  this  anxious  question  finally  settled? 
Are  you  in  very  deed  mine  ? And  am  I indeed  yours,  to  live  with  and 
for,  to  love  and  be  loved  by,  both  for  this  world  and  the  next?  Thank 
Heaven  that  I have  at  length  found  a resting-place  for  my  affections — 
one  with  whom  to  sympathize,  by  whom  to  be  guided,  and  in  whom 
to  put  my  trust.  And  one  so  every  way  worthy  of  my  fullest  confi- 
dence and  affection.  And  wherein  I am  not  all  you  desire,  please 
only  tell  me  frankly,  and  I will  do  my  utmost  to  render  myself  in 
every  respect  worthy  the  exalted  estimation  implied  and  expressed  in 
your  letter  of  proposal,  besides  doing  my  utmost  to  obviate  those  im- 
perfections which  1 frankly  acknowledge  exist,  and  which  you  there 
so  kindly  point  out. 

I shall  always  be  most  happy  to  see  you,  or  hear  from  you,  and  ar- 

14* 


322 


SPECIFIC  CONJUGAL  ADAPTATIONS. 


range  the  time  and  preliminaries  of  our  marriage.  But  whether  it  he 
consummated  sooner  or  later,  or  whether  you  are  present  or  absent,  I 
shall  now  consider  myself  as  all  yours,  and  open  wide  the  portals  of  my 
affections  to  receive,  with  a grateful  heart,  whatever  expressions  of  re- 
gard you  may  feel  prompted  to  proffer,  besides  assuming  the  sacred 
‘'privilege”  as  it  is  now  my  pleasing  duty,  to  express  that  gushing 
love  for  you  I feel  even  now  swelling  and  bubbling  up  within  my  own 
soul,  and  calling  for  utterance.  Fondly  hoping  to  hear  from  you 
early  and  often,  and  see  you  soon,  I am,  and  shall  remain,  in  the  high- 
est esteem  and  most  devoted  love, 

Yours,  ever  and  forever,  Miss  J.  . 

Of  course,  u pleasing  manners, ” u late  rising,”  u energy  and  intelli- 
gence, ” u using  tobacco,”  etc.,  are  used  only  as  examples  of  other  ex- 
cellences and  faults,  to  be  pointed  out  according  as  they  exist  in  either. 
Of  course,  too,  the  style  and  details  of  such  letters  should  be  the  pro- 
duct of  the  head  and  heart  of  the  writer.  Different  circumstances,  too, 
require  correspondingly  different  letters.  But  the  two  main  points  are, 
his  unreserved  proffer,  and  her  cordial  acceptance. 

There  yet  remains  just  here  another  important  step — the  void , and 
its  tangible  witness.  As  agreements  must  first  be  made,  then  attested , 
so  after  your  engagement  is  fully  decided  on  between  you,  yet  each 
requires  both  its  unequivocal  and  mutual  reciprocity,  as  well  as  me- 
mentoes, to  be  cherished  up  for  all  time  to  come,  as  its  living  witness. 
A formula  of  the  vow  itself  has  already  been  given.43  Some  tangible 
plighting  of  each  to  the  other,  some  form  of  sacred,  solemn  abjuration, 
embodying  the  general  substance  there  expressed,43  is  due  to  and  from 
each,  and  between  them  both,  and,  indeed,  to  the  sacred  nature  of  the 
relations,  both  in  the  present,  and  for  the  future.  Nor  can  the  vow  be 
made  too  strongly.  Nor  held  too  sacred.  Having  deliberately  put 
their  hands  to  the  plow,  they  should  attest  it  with  the  highest,  holiest 
oath  of  affirmation  mortals  ever  do  or  can  adopt,  so  as  to  prevent  even 
their  ever  trying  to  li  look  back,”  and  preclude  it  if  they  would.  They 
should  bind  themselves  to  one  another  with  cords  which  neither  could 
break  if  they  would,  or  would  if  they  could.  Nothing  can  be  too  good 
and  strong.  The  stronger,  the  better.  If  calling  God  to  witness  will 
strengthen  their  mutual  abjuration,  swear  by  Him  and  His  throne. 
Anything  to  seal  (:this  fixed  fact.” 

Next  comes  its  witness.  By  no  means  necessarily  human.  As 
u Abram  setup  a stone  for  a perpetual  witness”  of  a certain  transac- 
tion, so  it  matters  less  what  that  witness  is,  but  it  should  be  something. 
A ring  is  often  selected.  But  there  should  be  two  witnesses,  one  for 


PARENTAL  CONSENT,  ELOPEMENTS,  AND  RELATIVES.  323 


each.  And  ought  to  he  a third,  to  be  treasured  up  by  both.  Each 
may  make  some  keepsake  gift,  worked  by  their  own  hands,  which  will 
greatly  enhance  its  inherent  value.  Or  it  may  be  plain,  or  be  more  or 
less  valuable.  Yet  what  is  especially  wanted  is  a token  of  their 
hymeneal  vows.  They  may  choose  two  lockets,  each  containing  their 
likenesses,  together  with  a lock  of  the  hair  of  each  in  that  of  the  other. 
Or  each,  consulting  their  own  tastes,  may  ask,  “ By  what  do  I prefer 
to  keep  the  other  in  i perpetual  remembrance7  of  our  sacred  vows?” 
It  ought  to  be  committed  to  writing,  and  each  transcribe  a copy  in  his 
and  her  own  handwriting  for  the  other  to  keep,  while  both  treasure 
up  the  original  between  them  as  commemorative,  and  all  three,  along 
with  the  witnessing  tokens  to  be  enshrined  in  their  16  holy  of  holies,7 7 
as  the  most  sacred  relics  of  their  lives. 

Not  till  now  should  either  party  even  dare  to  love.  It  is  neither 
right,  nor  politic.  Thus  far,  like  those  selecting  and  bargaining  for  a 
farm,  a house,  they  are  only  examining  their  mutual  eligibility.  What 
right  has  he  who  is  yet  negotiating  for  a farm  to  its  products,  or  for 
either  to  love  till  engaged?  Of  which,  however,  hereafter.84 

79.  PARENTAL  CONSENT,  ELOPEMENTS,  AND  RELATIVES. 

Their  next  step — for  both- should  now  move  in  concert — should  be, 
if  possible,  to  obtain  the  consent  and  blessing  of  their  parents. 
Though  their  consent  to  the  proposed  canvass53  is  a virtual  consent  to 
their  marriage,  in  case  they  agree,  yet  it  is  now  appropriate  that  he 
write  her  parents  somewhat  as  follows  : 

New  York,  Oct.  15 th,  1859. 

C.  D.  to  Mr.  and  Mrs.  A.  B : 

Respected  Sir  and  Madam — You  some  time  ago  gave  your  consent 
that  your  daughter  and  myself  confer  together  relative  to  our  marriage. 
Having  deliberately  and  mutually  considered  our  joint  adaptation  to 
each  other,  and  found,  as  we  believe,  that  we  are  thus  suited,  we  have 
engaged  ourselves  to  each  other  in  this  sacred  relation.  It  but  re- 
mains that  we  inquire  whether  we  have  your  parental  consent  and 
blessing.  Whatever  you  have  to  say  concerning  this,  to  us,  all  absorb- 
ing subject,  be  assured  we  shall  duly  consider.  I do  not  request  that 
you  part  with  your  daughter,  but  only  that  you  accept  me  as  your 
son.  And  rest  assured  that  the  exalted  esteem  in  which  I hold  her — 
and  words  can  not  express  how  exalted — is  a tribute  of  filial  gratitude 
and  love  with  which  I crave  permission  to  regard  her  parents. 

Your  early  answer,  coupled  with  whatever  suggestions  you  please 
to  make,  whether  objective  or  suggestive,  will  much  oblige, 

Yours,  in  filial  regard, 


C.  D. 


324 


SPECIFIC  CONJUGAL  ADAPTATIONS. 


If  they  assented  to  the  canvass,  they  can  but  consent  to  and  bless 
their  union.  And  parental  blessings  on  their  proposed  marriage  is  in- 
deed most  desirable.  If,  from  motives  of  pride  or  dislike,  they  object, 
let  them  form  their  own  answer.  We  will  not  soil  these  sacred  pages, 
or  prostitute  this  love-prompting  volume  to  help  them.  But  in  case 
they  sanction,  one  in  the  following  spirit  is  now  due  from  them  to  him. 

Boston,  JSTov.  4, 1859. 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  A.  B — — to  Mr.  C.  D. : 

Dear  Sir — Your  own  and  our  daughters  proposal  to  enter  upon  the 
sacred  relations  of  husband  and  wife  meet  our  unqualified  approval, 
and  have  our  hearty  consent.  More.  Along  with  her  father’s  and 
mother’s  assent,  you  also  have  their  parental  benediction , and  best 
wishes. 

When  you  have  arranged  between  yourselves  the  time  and  mode  of 
your  marriage,  you  have  only  to  state  your  wishes,  and  it  will  give  ns 
the  greatest  pleasure  to  further  their  consummation.  Please  consider 
yourself  always  a welcome  guest  at  our  house  and  table.  Come 
evening  or  morning,  with  or  without  special  invitation,  and  you  will 
always  be  welcome.  And  allow  us  to  treat  you,  not  with  the  cere- 
mony of  an  acquaintance,  but  with  the  u sans  ceremonie ” of  an  intimate 
friend,  or,  rather,  as  you  yourself  propose,  which  we  cordially  accept, 
of  our  dear  son. 

Yours,  in  right  hearty  parental  affection,  Mr.  and  Mrs.  A.  B. 

But  what  if  parents  send  a rejection  ? First,  let  both  parties  try 
whatever  means  lie  in  their  power  to  win  them  over.  And  they 
should  patiently  ask,  rather  than  demand.  Not  that  this  course  is 
binding,  but  politic.  Their  opposition  is  neither  to  be  despised  nor  pro- 
voked. Nor  can  their  acquiescence  hardly  be  secured  by  too  much 
argumentative  perseverance  or  patient  assiduity.  And  both  should  be 
loth  either  to  deny  their  authority  or  defy  their  opposition. 

Yet  there  are  parents  and  occasions  which  deserve  both.  As  long 
and  as  far  as  parents  pursue  a true  parental  course,  they  should  not 
fail  to  express  a great  deal  of  filial  affection  and  obedience.  Yet  Ci  to 
err  is  human.”  And  parents  err  quite  as  much  in  these  matters  as 
in  any  others.  Sometimes  their  very  parental  love  blinds  their  better 
judgment,  and  incites  them  to  pursue  a course  most  reprehensible. 
Their  partiality  is  liable  to  overrate  her  real  value  and  underrate  his. 
Accustomed  to  command  and  be  obeyed,  they  forget  that  here  the 
scepter  has  now  passed  from  their  hands  to  hers.*53  Perhaps  inflamed 
by  spirituous  liquors,  or  tobacco,  or  - pork  and  cabbage,”  or  over- work, 
or  disordered  nerves,  or  other  physical  conditions,  they  make  a most 


PARENTAL  CONSENT,  ELOPEMENTS,  AND  RELATIVES.  325 


desperate  time,  and  blaster  and  dictate  as  if  the  rightful  arbiters  of 
their  daughter’s  affection,  whereas,  no  longer  a child,  but  now  mistress 
of  herself,  she  has  acquired  the  right  to  marry*  where  she  pleases.  It 
has  now  become  liers  to  command,  theirs  only  to  acquiesce.  Those  who 
do  pursue  this  reprehensible  course  deserve  rebuke.53  Indeed,  a bold 
card  may  be  your  very  trump.  Fremont  loves  and  is  beloved  by 
Benton’s  u Jessie.”  Benton,  enraged,  storms  and  forbids  Fremont  his 
house,  besides  locking  up  his  daughter.  But  they  defy  him,  elope, 
marry,  return,  and  Benton,  fairly  outgeneraled,  surrenders,  makes 
friends,  and  becomes  Fremont’s  firmest  backer. 

But  in  any  event,  and  at  all  hazards,  your  duty  each  to  your  own 
self  and  to  each  other,  is  paramount  to  parental  authority.  If  you  find 
yourselves  really  and  truly  attached  to  each  other,  and  have  a genuine 
love-sympathy,  God  in  nature  hath  therein,  and  thereby,  and  there- 
fore joined  you  together,  and  ”what  God  hath  joined  together,  let  no 
man  put  asunder.”82  Much  less  anything  else.  You  belong,  not  at 
all  even  to  parents,  but  only  to  yourselves  and  each  other , and  your 
first  bounden  duty — that  most  obligatory  on  both — is  to  obey  God , by 
fulfilling  the  love  he  has  established  between  you.  This  is  not  a may 
be,  but  a must  be.  Not  only  will  its  fulfillment  be  blessedly  reward- 
ed, but  its  neglect  incur  a terrible  penalty  ; for  sins  of  omission  are  vis- 
ited with  a retribution  as  sure  and  effectual  as  sins  of  commission.  A 
wo  is  just  as  sure  to  follow'  your  refusal  as  thunder,  lightning.  Nature 
will  not  be  neglected  any  more  than  violated.  By  her  love  instincts  she 
commands  you  to  marry.  And  by  all  the  blessings  of  love  and  curses 
of  disappointment  should  you  obey.  By  the  sacredness  of  love  are  you 
both  solemnly  bound  to  each  other,  yourself,  and  your  God,  to  consum- 
mate your  love.  Therefore,  let  neither  adverse  circumstances,  nor 
fear,  nor  w*ant,  nor  temper,  nor  persecution,  nor  wounded  pride,  nor 
any  personal  alienations,  indeed,  nothing  short  of  absolute  impossibil- 
ities. interpose  between  you.  You  are  traitors  to  the  highest  obliga- 
tions of  your  nature,  and  sure  to  spoil  each  yourself  and  the  other,  if 
you  do  ; for  by  the  pre-eminence  of  love  itself,  or  even  life,  should  you 
defy  all  difficulties,  and  even  dangers,  to  consummate  your  love.  If 
one  must  go  abroad,  await  a joyful  return.  If  you  must  bide  your 
time,  bide  it,  but  watch  it.  If  parents  interdict  your  communications, 
set  your  wits  to  work  to  communicate  for  all.  If  parental  tyranny 
locks  her  up,  let  your  “ love  laugh  at  locksmiths.”  Adopt  elopements 
only  as  a dernier  resort,  but  when  all  other  efforts  have  proved  futile, 
why,  steal  her,  if,  as  of  course,  she  wants  to  be  stolen.  Anything  short  of 
personal  violence.  If  she  will  jump  from  her  window  into  your  arms, 
catch  her,  and,  Priam  like,  scale  the  battlements  of  Troy  with  your 


326 


SPECIFIC  CONJUGAL  ADAPTATIONS. 


devoted  Helen  in  your  arms.  Of  course,  she  must  first  be  willing  to 
“ forsake  father  and  mother,  and  cleave  to”  you  • but  if  thus  willing, 
wo  to  both  if  you  do  not  carry  her  off  “ a willing  captive.”  Be  wise, 
but  prompt  and  determined.  Make  a sure  thing  of  it.  So  lay  your 
plan  that  it  can  not  miscarry.  No  u faint  heart”  here.  Courage! 
11  On.  Stanley,  on  !”  And  God  crown  your  efforts  with  success.  And  a 
strong  will  always  finds  a sure  way.  Defy  consequences.  Snap  your 
fingers  at  whatever  interposes.  Tell  them  to  “ whistle.” 

Still,  to  elope  just  for  the  sake  of  the  thing  is  despicable.  The  girl 
who  was  sorry  her  u father  consented  to  her  marriage,  because  she 
could  not  then  get  in  the  papers  by  a ‘ romantic  elopement,7  77  was 
simple.  Yet  all  sensible  persons  must  see  that  all  interference  only 
increases  their  determination  and  re-insures  their  marriage. 

But  if  parents  may  not  thus  interfere,  much  less  relatives.  We 
have  already  shown  how  far  they  may  go,  “but  no  farther.7753  It  but 
remains  to  point  out  their  true  course,  namely,  a pacific  one — to  help, 
not  hinder.  The  fact  is  fixed.  They  are  mated  and  betrothed,  and 
all  right-minded  outsiders  will  now  promote,  not  interrupt  their  love. 
How  despicable  to  alienate  husband  and  wife  ! Yet  is  not  alienating 
those  betrothed  quite  as  despicable  ? They  are  married  in  spirit .8a 
Nor  can  its  legal  formality  reincrease  its  validity.  So  make  the  best 
of  it. 

Sometimes  relatives  interfere  thus.  A brother  says,  “ Sister,  come 
and  help  wife  start  housekeeping.77  She  goes.  Rendered  envious  by 
seeing  him  lavish  upon  another  those  caresses  he  once  bestowed  on 
her,  she  watches  her  opportunity  to  show  him  that  his  wife  is  not  the 
pink  of  perfection  after  all,  and  poisons  his  mind.  Such  sisters  (?),  if 
they  ought  not  to  be  pitched  headlong  out  at  the  windowr,  at  least  de- 
serve to  be  told,  doors  open,  “ Viper,  your  room  is  far  better  than  your 
company.77  Those  who  have  not  a really  devilish  spirit,  will  try  to 
heal,  not  engender  differences.  Suppose  he  is  her  superior,  does  his 
knowledge  of  it  unmarry  them  ? What  iota  of  good  does  it  do  ? Is  it 
not  an  unmitigated  evil  ? Is  not  his  lot  hard  enough  already,  that  you 
must  make  it  ten  times  worse  ? Granted  that  he  is  deceived,  how  infi- 
nitely better  that  he  enjoy  this  deception,  than  suffer  inexpressibly  by 
its  discovery  ? Sometimes  “ ignorance  is  bliss.77  Her  being  perfect 
in  his  eyes , about  equals  her  being  perfect  per  se.  And  is  far  better 
for  him  than  her  inherent  perfection  without  his  appreciation.  As  he 
thinks  she  is,  she  is  to  him.46 

And  Nature  always  pays  back  such  sisterly  (?)  deviltry  in  its  own  coin. 
Show  me  one  who  has  thus  served  a brother,  and  I will  show’  you  one 
who  is  herself  miserable  in  her  affections;  for  her  spirit  would  make 


DISMISSAL  OF  LOVERS. 


327 


an  angel  wretched.  Suspicious,  watching  her  husband’s  every  mo- 
tion with  eagle  vigil,  and  hated  because  hating.  Her  apparent  affec- 
tion is  but  a hollow  tree,  seemingly  sound,  but  rotten  within.  A 
case. 

A married  woman  once  consulted  me  thus:  “ On  the  death  of  my 
mother  I filled  her  place  to  my  youngest  brother — fed,  clothed,  petted, 
loved,  fitted  him  out  for  college,  encouraged,  sympathized  with  him  in 
his  troubles,  and  triumphed  when  he  graduated  with  honor,  only  to  be 
chagrined  by  seeing  him  fall  in  love  with  a beautiful  : sewing  girl.’ 
A good,  sweet  girl,  to  be  sure,  but  to  see  my  brother,  on  whom  I doted, 
the  rising  hope  of  our  proud  family,  who  could  have  commanded  the 
wealthiest  heiress  in  Detroit,  marry  a mere  seamstress  ! I remon- 
strated, but  he  persisted.  Provoked,  I finally  told  him,  £ If  you  marry 
her,  she  shall  never  be  my  company.’  c Nor  you  mine]  he  replied,  and 
banished  himself  from  my  presence.  He  never  even  recognizes  me 
when  we  casually  meet.  Already  has  this  coldness  of  one  I have  thus 
loved  broken  my  very  heart.  The  more,  because  I live  miserably  with 
my  own  husband.  Before,  loving  my  brother  eased  my  aching  heart, 
but  I am  now  dying  because  I have  no  man  on  earth  I can  love.” 

Poor  miserable  victim  of  your  own  false  pride.  u Your  sin  has 
found  you  out.”  Your  sufferings,  though  great,  deserve  no  pity,  for 
they  were  self-inflicted  by  conduct  actually  diabolical.  In  attempting 
to  rifle  your  brother’s  heart,  you  but  rifled  your  own.  Served  you 
right.  God  is  just,  and  Nature  is  inexorably  retributive.  You  de- 
serve all  this.  And  its  continuance,  and  even  aggravation.  You 
should  have  said,  u Brother,  if  you  only  could  have  married  one  from 
our  aristocratic  circle,  how  glad  I should  have  been  ! But  since  this 
is  mainly  your  own  affair,  for  your  sake  I receive  her  as  your  wife  into 
our  proud  ranks,  and  shall  treat  her  at  least  politely,  and  will  try  to 
love  her,  and  render  her  worthy  of  my  noble  brother.”  Which  course 
would  have  rendered  her  happiest  ? 

80.  DISMISSAL  OF  LOVERS. 

But  the  proffer  might  not  be  acceptable — though  such  proffers  would 
almost  preclude  their  rejection,  and  would  go  far  to  secure  its  recep- 
tion. In  all  cases  she  ought  to  decline  pleasantly,  not  in  a haughty 
mien,  as  if  she  disdained  to  come  down  from  her  proud  place  to  dismiss 
an  inferior,  but  by  a kindly,  soothing,  affable  tone  and  manner  to  dis- 
continue the  relations  so  gently  that  he  will  hardly  realize  the  blow, 
and  continue  to  esteem  where  he  may  not  love.  Most  of  the  dreadful 
evils  of  disappointment  are  consequent  on  attendant  hardness,48  avoid- 
ing which  will  greatly  mitigate  the  evil.  Mutual  respect  and  friend- 


328 


SPECIFIC  CONJUGAL  ADAPTATIONS. 


ship  almost  obviate  it,  whereas  hard  words  always  and  unnecessarily 
aggravate  it  beyond  measure. 

Love  affairs  which  merge  into  friendship  are  even  beneficial  to  both. 
Hence  neither  should  give  or  take  occasion  for  offense.  And,  surely, 
their  past  relations  should  preclude  future  ill  feeling.  Refusal  is  bad 
enough  in  all  conscience,  especially  when  the  affections  have  been  en- 
listed, without  coupling  it  with  a practical  insult  besides.  None  but 
stuck-up,  giddy  things , not  worth  having,  will  ever  decline  in  a proud, 
haughty  tone.  Vanity-fair  stuck-ups,  elated  mainly  by  the  very 
proffer  now  despised,  may  flaunt  it  haughty,  little  realizing  that  they 
owe  to  him  this  very  hauteur.  A vanity-struck  bauble  may  glory  in 
having  “given  him  the  mitten,77  just  to  have  something  to  boast  of; 
but,  discarded  swain,  console  yourself  that  you  have  escaped  a life  of 
matrimonial  misery ; for  one  capable  of  conduct  so  unlady-like  and  un- 
feeling would  have  rendered  you  miserable  always.  Yet  like  the 
boy  stoning  frogs,  it  may  be  fine  sport  to  her. 

Yet  she:  too,  is  doomed.  Has  no  reader  thus  discarded  to  her  cost  ? 
And  without  sufficient  cause  ? She  must  necessarily  wound  his  sensi- 
tive feelings  and  pride,  blight  his  cherished  hopes,  and  more  or  less 
impair  his  future  chances.  And,  if  a true  woman,  will  administer  the 
bitter  pill  as  gently  as  circumstances  will  allow.  And  should  she  not 
be  too  truly  grateful  to  him  for  paying  her  the  greatest  practical  com- 
pliment mortal  can  pay  mortal,  to  decline  abruptly  ? 

The  negation  itself  is  almost  cruel.  All  reversals  of  feeling  shock 
and  injure.  Much  more  when  they  come  suddenly,  than  gradually. 
HehCe,  as  informing  a wife  of  a husband7s  death  should  take  hours, 
not  seconds,  so  she  should  let  him  gently  down  the  inclined  plane. 
Nor  that  too  steep.  Instead  of  throwing  him  off  a purpose,  she  should 
now  express  this  objection,  then  that,  and  patiently  hear  his  replies  ; 
but  by  no  means  cruelly  shake  him  off  as  a poisonous  and  despised  viper. 

Especially  should  she  give  ample  reasons.  Nothing  as  effectually 
allays  bad  feelings  as  showing  why  the  proposed  union  would  prove 
injurious  to  him,  as  well  as  her.  Let  an  anecdote  make  and  expose  its 
own  moral.  An  attractive  young  lady,  partly  under  my  guardian 
care,  was  waited  upon  by  a man  much  her  senior,  somewhat  after 
this  fashion  : 

“ Miss  B.,  would  you  like  to  go  to  the  Young  Men7s  Association  to- 
night to  hear  E.  H.  Chapin  speak?  It  would  give  me  great  pleasure 
to  accompany  you.77 

“ Thank  you,  sir,  I should  like  well  to  hear  that  distinguished  orator 
speak.77  They  went. 

“Miss  B.,  how  would  you  like  to  go  to  the  Museum,  to-night?77 


DISMISSAL  OF  LOVERS. 


329 


“ Very  much,  I thank  you,  sir.”  They  went. 

c:  Miss  B.,  would  you  like  to  take  a ride  this  pleasant  afternoon,  and 
see  the  lions  of  our  city,  its  environs,  and  the  surrounding  country  ?” 

“ I should,  indeed,  and  be  much  obliged.” 

“ Then  I will  call  for  you  when  you  say.”  They  went. 

“ Miss  B.,  the  moon  is  in  a fine  altitude  for  observation  to-night ; 
we  have  a splendid  telescope,  and  I am  acquainted  with  the  managers 
of  the  Observatory  * and  it  will  give  me  great  pleasure  to  introduce 
you  to  our  astronomers,  who  will  offer  you  every  facility  for  ob- 
servation.” 

“ Oh,  I thank  you  really  very  much.  I have  long  desired  to  look 
through  a telescope  at  the  c queen  of  night/  and  gratefully  accept  your 
kind  offer.”  They  went. 

Finding  his  invitations  multiplying,  I said  to  her — 
u Do  you  intend  to  make  him  your  husband.” 

“ No,  indeed.  I never  once  thought  of  such  a thing.” 

“Then  why  accept  all  his  invitations  ? If  you  continue  to  say  Yes, 
he  will  soon  ask  your  hand,  and  expect  you  to  say  Yes,  as  ever.  When 
will  you  begin  to  say  No  ?” 

“ The  next  time.  I will  cut  him  off  short.” 

“ By  no  means.  Ease  him  down  gently.  Accept  some,  decline 
some,  and  always  in  a pleasant,  lady-like  manner.  As  your  encour- 
agement by  action  has  been  gradual  and  considerable,  let  your  nega- 
tion be  as  gradual  by  the  same  action.  Hesitate  a little  the  next  time, 
and  decline  as  if  reluctantly,  and  lower  his  raised  hopes  by  littles.” 
Instead,  she  cut  him  short  off.  This  stung  him  to  the  quick.  He 
had  been  elated  by  his  success,  but  was  now  humbled  by  her  refusal. 
He  had  boasted  to  his  rivals,  who  now  turned  his  triumphs  back  upon 
him  in  ridicule.  Wrong  in  them,  for  he  had  not  deserved  this  refusal, 
saving  that  he  was  too  much  elated.  But  this  revulsion  of  his  feel- 
ings induced  a severe  cold  and  a terrible  fit  of  sickness.48  He  was 
really  an  injured  man.  Yet  neither  intended  wrong.  Call  it  the  for- 
tunes of  war,  if  you  will,  but  she  did  him  an  unintentional  but  serious 
injury.  Her  own  lady-like  feelings,  if  she  had  but  stopped  duly  to  con- 
sider, would  have  told  her  better,  whereas  fear  dictated  her  course. 

Yet  it  sometimes  beeomes  a man’s  duty  to  dismiss  his  girl.  He 
should  have  less  occasion,  because  he  made  his  own  selection,  while 
she  is  only  allowed  the  poor  privilege  of  saying  No.  It  therefore  be- 
comes his  duty,  the  more  so  because  her  feelings  are  more  sensitive 
than  his,  to  choose  the  most  acceptable  time  and  manner  to  occasion 
her  the  least  pain  or  injury  possible,  even  continuing  a friendly  cor- 
respondence if  both  prefer,  or  else  supplying  his  place  by  sending  he? 


330 


SPECIFIC  CONJUGAL  ADAPTATIONS. 


another  lover.  Yet  let  no  momentary  reluctance  to  dismiss  incur  a 
life  of  marital  unhappiness.  Nor  postpone,  for  delay  only  increases  the 
difficulty.  Nor  nurse  this  delay,  for  her  and  your  heyday  of  selection 
is  both  short38  and  precious.37 

But  a change  of  feelings  or  circumstances  may,  after  a time,  render 
the  re-opening  of  their  correspondence  desirable.  One  or  both  may  not 
realize  how  much  they  love  till  after  they  have  separated.  In  such 
cases  by  all  means  re-open.  If  a former  affection  can  be  consummated, 
by  all  means  re-open  negotiations. 

But  the  dismissing  party  is  of  course  the  proper  one  to  send  the  re- 
opening letter.  The  other  may,  after  a time,  appropriately  inquire 
whether  the  other  retains  their  dismissing  sentiment,  for  “there  is  no 
harm  in  asking  ;77  but  even  if  the  girl  has  dismissed,  improper  as  it 
might  seem  for  the  female  to  make  advances,  she  is  undoubtedly  re- 
quired to  recommence  them.  An  anecdote. 

A young  doctor  of  commanding  talents  and  presence,  after  courting 
and  loving  a good  girl  most  devotedly  for  many  years,  was,  through 
the  intervention  of  parents,  dismissed,  to  make  way  for  another  richer, 
though  poorer.  His  heart  broke,  and  constitution,  though  the  best  in 
the  world,  gave  way.  He  pined  and  sunk  for  years,  and  was  finally 
resuscitated  only  by  a voyage  to  Europe.  After  seven  years  his  affec- 
tions rallied,48  and  fastened  on  a worthy  young  lady,  who  causelessly 
dismissed  him,  but  ascertained  to  her  cost  that  she  really  loved  him. 
Making  me  a confidant,  I advised  her  to  send  a re-opening  letter. 
This  she  utterly  refused  to  do,  on  the  ground  that  a woman  should  be 
sought  after,  not  seek. 

“ But  your  dismissal  precludes  his  making  any  farther  advances  till 
he  is  somehow  informed  of  your  change.  Why  should  you  both  perish 
in  disappointed  love  for  each  other,  when  only  one  kind  word  or  act 
is  wanting  to  bring  you  together.  You  say  he  has  offered  himself,  yet 
you  have  declined,  but  changed,  and  yet  find  your  life-happiness  im- 
pinges on  his  love.  Now  will  you  spoil  both,  rather  than  send  him  a 
letter  that  your  sentiments  have  changed  ? Or  let  me  tell  your  father, 
if  you  will  not,  to  invite  him  to  your  house,  and  you  show  or  tell  him 
the  change.  Or  send  some  friendly  token,  for  love  is  sacred,  and  to 
let  so  very  a trifle  as  your  coyness  spoil  both,  is  really  wicked.77 

BREACHES  OF  PROMISE 

# 

deserve  the  following  obviously  common-sense  remarks. 

First. — When  either  party  has  deliberately  called  out  the  affections 
of  the  other  under  promise  of  marriage,  and  then  causelessly  broken 
faith,  as  no  other  treatment  is  equally  criminal  or  cruel,48  83  so  no  pun- 


BREACHES  OF  PROMISE. 


§31 


ishment  should  be  more  severe  or  certain.  And  as  appropriately  pun- 
ishable by  law  as  any  other  crime.  Yet  dollars  but  poorly  express  the 
amount  of  u damages. 77 

Second. — But  suppose  the  declining  party  has  discovered  some  repel- 
lant  or  disgusting  trait,  some  heart-sickening  conduct,  some  marked 
flaw  which  has  proved  fatal  to  love,  the  damages77  in  reality  belong 
to  the  defendant.  As  a misinformed  purchaser  ought  not  to  be  com- 
pelled to  fulfill  a contract  made  under  false  representations,  so  here 
those  causes  which  have  induced  this  change  should  be  allowed  full 
weight,  and  might  throw  the  damages  on  the  other  side. 

Especially  should  ample  allowances  be  made  for  young  fancy-fasci- 
nated girls  and  love-smitten  masculines,  doubtless  deliberately  u cap- 
tivated77 by  the  artful,  but  whom  reflection  has  brought  to  their  senses. 
Inexperienced  minority  releases  from  other  contracts.  Then  why  not 
also  from  this  ? No  girl  who  engages  before  nineteen,  but  afterward 
becomes  sick  of  her  engagement,  should  be  required  to  fulfill  it.  And 
whoever  takes  a young  girl7s  promise  should  hold  it  subject  to  her  re- 
vision when  older.39 

Third. — Whenever  either  party,  from  any  cause  whatever,  such  as 
instinctive  repugnance,  or  more  mature  reflection,  or  having  found  an- 
other liked  better,  or  discovered  certain  traits  which  have  reversed 
love,  the  refused  party  should  cheerfully  release  the  refusing,  if  not  in 
the  spirit  of  generous  magnanimity,  at  least  in  that  of  self-respect  and 
self-interest;  for  a marriage  reluctant  to  either  will  be  fatal  to  the  life- 
long happiness  of  both.  Mutuality  is  an  eternal  law  of  love.  Reluc- 
tance on  either  side  must  inevitably  spoil  the  happiness  of  both — a law 
the  reasons  of  which  will  be  given  in  Yol.  II.  The  refused  party  can 
do  themselves  no  greater  ” damage77  than  to  oblige  the  discontented  to 
fulfill  a disagreeable  engagement.  The  true  policy  of  the  one  disliked 
lies  in  releasing  the  other,  and  looking  elsewhere  ; the  temporary  pain- 
fulness of  replacing  the  affections  being  far  less  than  the  life-long 
misery  of  living  with  a dissatisfied  repellant  companion,  or  even  one 
who  is  passive,  or  merely  tolerates  the  marriage,  because  duty-bound 
by  an  “ engagements 42  72 

Thus  much  of  Selection.  Say,  ye  who  have  made  either  a good  or 
a poor  choice,  whether  these  directions  are  or  are  not  worthy  to  be- 
come the  guiding  landmarks  of  the  young?  What  one  but  is  intrin- 
sically adapted  to  promote  the  conjugal  happiness  of  all  who  follow 
them  ? And  are  nonerof  you  smarting  under  the  consequences  of  their 
ignorant  violation  ? In  short,  are  they  not  eminently  scientific , and 
therefore  reliable  ? 

Next,  then,  of  Courtship  and  its  eventualities. 


f 


PART  III. 

COURTSHIP,  AND  MARRIED  LIFE:  THEIR  FATAL 
ERRORS,  AND  RIGHT  MANAGEMENT. 


SECTION  VIII. 

WRONG  COURTSHIP;  AND  ITS  FATAL  CONSEQUENCES. 

81.  IMPORTANCE  OF  A RIGHT  COURTSHIP. 

God  is  infinitely  good.  Boundless  and  endless  are  his  provisions  for 
the  happiness  of  all  his  creatures.  Superlatively  so  those  for  that  of 
his  highest  work — man.  And  throughout  every  department  of  human 
life.  How  great  the  pleasures  of  motion,  of  sight,  of  eating,  of  other 
creature  comforts  ! Greater  those  of  mind  * for,  voluptas  animi  major 
est  quant  corporis.  And  those  of  intellectual  and  moral  elevation 
greatest  of  all.  But  how  incomparably  a right  social  life  enhances 
every  pleasure  of  existence  ? Let  the  most  gifted  imagination — let 
each  and  all — in  those  hours  of  revery  when  the  soul  mounts  highest 
on  its  “ wings  of  Pegasus,”  but  imagine  how  inexpressibly  happy  they 
could  be  if  married  to  their  liking,  and  they  can  be  happier  than  the 
utmost  stretch  of  their  imagination  can  depict.  Here  reality  exceeds 
fiction  ! u Eye  hath  not  seen,  nor  ear  heard,  nor  hath  it  entered  into 
the  heart  of  man”  to  conceive  the  happiness  inwrought  with  a perfect 
love.  For,  besides  its  own  per  se  enjoyments,  it  incomparably  en- 
hances and  exalts  every  human  function.Sec- n*  Superlatively  happy 
he,  though  poor,  humble,  ignorant,  and  poorly  supplied  with  human 
necessities  only,  who,  blessed  with  a congenial  spirit,  is  perfectly 
happy  in  his  love.  Well  may  that  rich,  honorable,  high-toned,  and 
even  talented  man,  who  is  honored  by  his  fellows,  holds  office,  or  even 
occupies  the  presidential  chair  of  this  great  nation — that  most  august 
terrestrial  seat  mortal  man  can  ever  fill — who  has  all  else  that  heart 
can  wish,  but  who  is  trammeled  by  conjugal  incongeniality — well 


334  WRONG  COURTSHIP:  ITS  FATAL  CONSEQUENCES 


may  he  pray  to  change  places  with  those,  however  poor,  but  happy  in 
a perfect  love.  And  that  poor  washerwoman  who  dresses  in  ragged 
calico,  and  feeds  upon  the  coarsest  fare,  but  who  is  happy  socially, 
need  not  envy  that  rich  heiress,  however  splendidly  attired,  or  loaded 
with  jewelry  however  costly,  and  glistening  from  head  to  foot  with  dia- 
monds however  brilliant,  surrounded  even  with  palatial  pomp  and  lux- 
uries, and  all  that  heart  can  wish,  but  who  is  miserable  in  an  unhappy 
love.  How  incomparably,  and  in  how  many  innumerable  ways,  does 
a right  love  sweeten  all  life’s  other  joys,  and  redouble  all  its  usual 
value  ! 

Yet  to  what  do  life’s  other  pleasures  amount  to  without  love  ? And 
how  does  domestic  happiness  remedy  all  life’s  other  ills  ! 

Then,  oh,  youth,  with  all  thy  other  getting  and  provisions,  be  per- 
suaded to  provide  amply  and  certainly  for  domestic  felicity,  for  then 
shall  other  terrestrial  blessings  be  added  thereto. 

The  first  step  in  this  provision  is  to  make  a right  conjugal  selection. 
Yet  on  this  we  have  already  treated. Part  IL  Nor  did,  nor  could  we 
overrate  its  importance.52  It  is  love’s  first  step,  and  must  be  taken 
about  right;  for  no  subsequent  ones,  however  right,  can  retrieve,  how- 
ever they  may  palliate  a first  error. 

But  its  second  step  is  quite  as  important.  Taking  this  wrongly  em 
bitters  all,  spoils  all,  even  though  the  selection  may  be  right.  And 
the  earlier  any  step,  the  more  eventful  its  consequences  for  good,  if 
right ; for  bad,  if  wrong. 

Courtship  is  this  second  step.  And  quite  as  eventful  as  selection. 
Indeed,  a wrong  courtship  even  spoils  the  very  best  mutual  adaptations. 
In  fact,  more  of  the  evils  of  married  life  are  attributable  to  errors  in 
courtship  than  selection.  Moreover,  most  of  the  errors  of  selection 
could  be  measurably  relieved  or  mainly  obviated  by  a right  courtship  ; 
whereas,  a wrong  one  renders  a poor  one  ten  times  poorer  than  it  need 
be,  or  would  be  under  a right  courtship.  At  all  events  a right  court- 
ship is  an  absolute  indispensability  to  a happy  marriage.  And  can  be 
made  measurably  to  augment  all  its  other  joys,  while  a wrong  one 
necessarily  aggravates  all  other  marital  errors. 

And  there  is  quite  as  much  a right  in  courtship  as  selection.52  And 
equally  a wrong.  And  every  error  in  courtship  will  surely  work 
itself  out  in  matrimonial  wretchedness  in  proportion  to  that  wrong. 
Nature  is  infinitely  retributive  both  ways.  As  far  as  any  of  her  laws 
are  obeyed,  she  rewards;  but  punishes  their  every  infringement,  in 
courtship  included.  Is  obliged  to  inflict  an  incalculable  amount  and 
variety  of  marital  misery  by  wray  of  punishing  wrong  courtships. 

Then,  let  all  those  who  will  court— as  all  should  do  who  are  old 


IMPORTANCE  OF  A RIGHT  COURTSHIP. 


335 


enough37 — see  to  it  that  they  court  right.  Not  about  right,  but  just 
right.  u Whatever  is  worth  doing  at  all,  is  worth  doing  well?1  And 
this  best  of  all.  Bungle  whatever  else  you  will,  but  see  to  it  that  you 
do  up  this  according  to  Gunter.”  It  has  its  right — its  governing 
laws — its  science.  Then  see  to  it,  ye  courters,  that  you  court  scien- 
tifically. Nor  is  it  permitted  to  you  from  your  cradles  to  your  graves 
to  make  as  perfect  a 4:  strike,”  or  as  fatal  a blunder  as  in  courtship. 
u There  is  a tide  in  the  affairs  of  men,  which,  taken  at  its  ebb,  leads 
on  to  fortune.  But  this  lost,  all  is  lost.”  And  this  tide  is  courtship. 
And  all  are  under  solemn  obligations,  by  the  very  tenor  of  their  being, 
to  conduct  it  in  accordance  with  Nature’s  requisitions. 

Nor  have  any  any  business  to  court  wrongly,  any  more  than  to 
violate  any  other  law  of  their  being  : for  no  one  has  any  right  to  injure 
themselves,  much  less  another ) for  a wrong  courtship  injures  the  one 
wrongly  treated  in  a most  fatal  manner.  Those  perfectly  isolated,  if 
that  were  possible,  might  do  wTrong,  and  suffer  its  consequences  if 
they  chose,  but  all  stand  interrelated  to  others.49  And  in  this  case 
it  is  to  one  of  the  opposite  sex,  who  should  be  cherished,  not  preyed 
upon.14  And  doubly  in  a matter  so  vital.  And  that  one  is  interre- 
lated to  others,  and  they  to  others  still,  all  of  whom  your  wrong  must 
necessarily  affect. 

But  in  order  to  conduct  courtship  aright,  one  must  needs  know  that 
right.2  To  attempt  to  do  anything  without  knowing  both  what  and 
how,  is  to  spoil  your  work,  and  make  a failure.  Intellect,  knowledge, 
and  right  principles  should  guide  courtship,  as  much  as  everything 
else.  Nor  have  any  a right  to  attempt  to  court  until  and  unless  they 
know  how,  for  those  old  enough  to  court,  are  old  enough  to  conduct  it 
scientifically. 

u But,  how  can  I,  unless  some  one  shall  guide  me  ?6  And  who  ever 
either  taught  or  learned  anything  about  it?  Indeed,  courtship  is  the 
last  thing  on  earth  to  take  lessons  in.” 

Yet  humanity  should  both  teach  and  learn.  Why  not  as  well 
respecting  this,  as  grammar,  figures,  or  anything  else?  Is  it  less  im- 
portant ? And  those  whom  experience  has  taught,  should  teach  others 
— parents  their  children,  seniors  their  juniors,  and  all  each  other. 
Especially  those  who  see  where  they  have  erred,  and  thereby  warn 
others  off*  those  fatal  reefs. 

But  Nature  has  another  and  a higher  teacher.  We  can  learn  much 
from  others,  but  most  from  ourselves . Our  own  normal  instincts 
are  our  highest  teachers.  And  infallible.43  By  this  instructor  Nature 
teaches  each  and  all  her  children  who  will  learn.  Whoever  is  court- 
ing right  or  wrong,  will  be  told  so  by  a “ still  small  voice”  within,  if 


336 


WRONG  COURTSHIP:  ITS  FATAL  CONSEQUENCES. 


they  will  but  listen.  None  ever  yet  made  a false  step  without  being 
told  thereof,  in  and  by  the  very  step  itself.  And  those  who  stumble 
here  must  fall  in  this  respect,  as  those  who  stumble  in  others,  must 
fall  in  them.  And  sometimes  “ great  indeed  is  the  fall  thereof.” 
We  would  here  press  and  re-press  until  we  thoroughly  impress  each 
and  all  with  the  fundamental  principle  of  following  their  own  inherent 
consciousness ,43  Courtship  has  its  consciousness.  And  it,  too,  must 
be  kept  inviolate. 

Then,  oh,  courting  youth,  throw  yourself  on  your  own  interior  sense 
of  propriety  and  rightness,  as  to  both  the  beginning  and  conducting  of 
courtship.77  And  have  no  fears  as  to  results,  but  quietly  bide  them  in 
the  most  perfect  assurance  of  their  happy  eventuality. 

This  naturally  calls  up  a right  courtship.  Yet  it  sometimes  be- 
comes necessary  to  tear  down  an  old  house  in  order  to  the  construction 
of  the  new.  In  courtship  pre-eminently  ; because  the  customs  of  soci- 
ety most  wofully  pervert  this  whole  matter,  and  lead  almost  all 
astray.  Not  only  have  our  youth  no  correct  ideas  of  its  proper  con- 
duction, but  guided  by  the  motto,  u As  you  see  others  court,  so  court 
you,”  almost  all  violate  their  own  interior  consciousness  by  courting  as 
they  see  others  court,  whereas,  left  to  themselves,  they  would  court  right. 

“ But  where  are  we  to  find  a right  way  of  conducting  courtship  point- 
ed out  ?” 

In  Phrenology.  Being  a correct  transcript  of  primitive  human  na- 
ture, it  therefore  becomes  a perfect  guide  to  a correct  human  life. 
Matters  of  courtship  of  course  included.  And  we  shall  proceed  to  ex- 
pound its  application  to  a right  courtship,  after  having  exposed  some 
of  its  errors.  To  do  which  effectively  we  must  first  prove  and  apply 
the  principle  that 

82.  LOVE  CONSTITUTES  MARRIAGE. 

Love  is  infinitely  sacred.43  And  on  no  account  whatever  to  be 
trifled  with,  or  interrupted.46  What  proof  could  be  stronger  or  higher 
of  any  truth  than  that  already  educed  in  proof  of  this  truth  ?Sec* n* 

More.  Reciprocated  love  is  marriage.  Marriage  consists,  not  in  a 
score  of  things,  but  in  some  one  thing.  But  does  not  consist  in  the 
mere  law,  for  man  makes  marital  statutes,  but  God  makes  marriages. 
Therefore  a merely  legal  marriage  does  not,  can  not,  make  a true 
Heaven-ordained  marriage.  If  it  did,  it  would  be  one  thing  one  foot 
east  of  the  Ohio  and  Indiana  line,  but  quite  another  one  foot  west  of  it. 
And  a very  different  affair  in  England  to-day,  as  compared  with  two 
years  ago.  And  in  Africa,  compared  with  New  York.  And  as  change- 
able as  are  all  human  statutes.  Besides,  human  laws  are  often  very 


LOVE  CONSTITUTES  MARRIAGE. 


337 


imperfect,  while  marriage  is  divine.  Legal  statutes  are  alterable,  while 
matrimony  is  eternal.  It  consists  in  an  interior  sentiment,  not  in  any 
human  ceremony.  And  is  "the  same  from  the  rising  of  the  sun  to  the 
going  down  thereof.7’  And  from  the  beginning  to  the  end  of  the  race 
itself.  And  even  in  animal  as  well  as  man.42  To  make  marriage 
consist  in  law,  is  to  drag  it  down  from  Heaven,  and  consign  it  to  Hades. 
To  supersede  its  divinity  by  rendering  it  human.  To  put  it  upon  this 
merely  legal  base,  is  to  disrobe  it  of  every  particle  of  its  sacredness 
Human  law  is  fallible.  Divine,  infallible.  Will  you  then  debase  this 
God-ordained  natural  institute  by  humanizing  it?  God  forbid  ! Your 
own  souls  should  rebel  thereat.  The  very  stones  should  cry  out 
against  so  base  a degradation  ! 

Not  but  that  it  should  be  regulated  by  legal  enactments.  At  least, 
law  may  and  should  record  it.  Yet  as  the  county  records  neither 
make  nor  constitute  the  mortgages,  sales,  and  transactions  there  filed, 
but  only  proclaim  them,  so  of  law  and  marriage.  It  is  undoubtedly 
well,  as  a means  of  preventing,  by  punishing,  abuses  and  impositions 
under  the  name  of  marriage,  for  law  to  record  and  regulate  marital  as 
well  as  other  transactions,  and  punish  its  infractions.  But  this  is  one 
thing,  while  basing  it  in  law  is  quite  another.  Though  law  may 
properly  legalize  marriage  as  it  does  land-sales,  yet  be  it  always 
and  everywhere  understood,  that  it  merely  publishes,  but  “ has  no  part 
nor  lot”  in  its  creation.  That  creation  is  divine.  And  one  of  the 
divinest  acts  of  Divinity.  And  infinitely  above  all  legal  enactments 
and  requirements.  And  how  infinitely  more  obligatory  this  view  ren- 
ders it  than  that.  Assume  that  law  creates  it,  and  you  render  it  nom- 
inal. Admit  its  divine  origin,  and  you  require  every  human  being, 
concomitant  with  the  very  tenor  of  being  itself,  both  to  fulfill  it,36  37 
and  conduct  it  aright.  Deliver  individuals  and  society  from  both  the 
deterioration  and  the  degradation  of  reducing  it  down  to  the  level  of 
human  law  ! How  infinitely  rather  put  it  on  that  ” higher  law”  in- 
stituted by  the  Supreme  Lawgiver  of  the  universe,  and  thrown  over 
every  human  being  ! 

Besides,  be  a little  careful,  ye  who  claim  to  be  par  excellence  the  pro- 
tectors of  marriage,  lest,  in  attempting,  by  your  cautious  jealousy  for 
this  institution  to  steady  this  great  ark  of  humanity,  you  overturn  it. 
And  remember  that,  by  all  the  stress  you  put  upon  human  law,  you 
but  take  off  that  much  from  its  divine  sanctity. 

Moreover,  the  sentiment  is  almost  universal,  that  genuine  £- mar- 
riages are  made  in  heaven.”  That  is,  are  divinely  ordained.  And 
this  idea  expresses  a practical  truth.  God  does  make  all  true  mar- 
riages. Yet  how  many  merely  legal  ones  are  made  which  He  does  not 

15 


338  WRONG  COURTSHIP;  ITS  FATAL  CONSEQUENCES. 


make  ! Or  if  He  does,  is  bungling  work  ! Not  that  He  says  absolutely, 
“ Samuel  Brown,  I ordain  that  you  marry  Mary  Smith,  and  that  Ann 
Jones  shall  marry  John  Clark,”  but  that  He  has  obviously  created  and 
adapted  the  m^Je  and  female  sexes  to  each  other,  and  also  particular 
individuals  of  each  sex  to  particular  persons  of  the  other.71  That 
this  general,  and  also  specific,  adaptation  is  incomparably  perfect,  is 
rendered  doubly  obvious,  first,  by  the  general  proof  of  all  Nature’s 
adaptations,  and  re-enforced  by  the  very  consciousness  of  all  who  ex- 
perience a genuine  love.  They  feel  that  they  are  exactly  and  specifi- 
cally adapted  to  each  other — that  so  perfect  an  adaptation  must  be  the 
work  of  a Divine  hand.  And  this  consciousness  is  the  highest  of  all 
proofs. 

Yet  this  does  not  say  that  the  same  Divine  hand  has  not  also  adapted 
another , or  even  a thousand  others,  to  you,  either  of  whom  would  make 
you  just  as  perfect  and  as  Heaven-ordained  a union  as  this. 

Besides,  have  you  no  hand  in  this  matter?  Does  God  ordain  you 
for  each  other,  as  He  does  that  pair  of  doves  ? Not  at  all.  He  creates 
a vast  many,  either  of  which  would  make  you  just  as  good  a sexual 
mate,  though  some  of  course  much  better  than  others. 

But  now  mark.  After  He  has  created  them,  He  requires  us  to 
select  for  ourselves.  As  He  creates  different  kinds  of  food,  but  re- 
quires us  to  choose  this  or  that,  so  we  may,  must,  make  our  own 
marital  choice.  And  He  allows  us  to  choose  the  wrong  one  if  we  will, 
and  then  punishes  us  therefor.  He  ordains  will-power.  He  can  not, 
will  not,  should  not  prevent  its  exercise,  either  in  this,  or  in  any  other 
matter.  He  even  requires  it.  Part  II.  shows  that  He  requires  that 
that  will  be  guided,  yet  He  never  overrules  it.  And  holds  us  responsi- 
ble for  being  guided  by  His  laws.  Or  thus  : having  created  right  objects 
for  our  choice,  He  now  tells  us  to  choose  this  and  refuse  that,  whether 
right  or  wrong,  as  in  our  own  sovereign  will  it  may  seem  best  to  us. 

u But  everything  is  1 decreed  from  the  beginning’ — marriages  of 
course  included.  ’Tis  in  vain  from  our  fortune  to  fly.’  ” 

Let  those  preach  and  defend  this  doctrine  who  will.  We  do  not 
now  discuss  its  metaphysics,  but  treat  it  in  our  revised  a Religion .” 
Suffice  it  that  we  are  conscious  of  possessing  a power  of  choice,  and 
ought  thereby  both  to  exercise  it,  and  of  course  make  our  own  matches. 
Il  God  makes  all  earthly  marriages,  He  makes  some  miserably  poor 
ones  ! Beware  how  you  saddle  on  Him  all  the  miserable  mistakes  of 
ignorant,  blind,  and  passion-led  marriages,  thus  falsely  charging  Him 
with  making  so  many  most  ill-starred  marriages,  and  accusing  Him 
of  what  belongs  to  mortals.  Lay  not  so  great  a charge  at  His  feet, 
lest  you  engender  infidelity  in  reflecting  minds. 


LOVE  CONSTITUTES  MARRIAGE. 


339 


But  this  He  does  do.  Having  created  the  love  sentiment,  along  with 
its  proper  objects,  and  then  requiring  us  to  choose  of  our  own  free  will, 
He  ordains  our  marriage  by  that  self-perpetuating  feature  of  love 
already  established.42  By  this  means  He  may  properly  be  said  to  make 
all  true  marriages — rather  to  sanction  and  consummate  our  choice. 
And  renders  it  obligatory  upon  us  to  continue  to  love  the  one  we 
once  begin  to  love.  Whether  we  love  each  other  voluntarily  or  in- 
voluntarily, He  marries  in  and  by  that  love.  Our  love  constitutes 
His  marriage.  We  repeat,  Nature's  edict  is  God’s  law.  Her  true 
work  is  His  work.  And  true  love  is  her  veritable  work,  and  therefore 
His.  Who  but  God  could  have  ordained  a union  of  hearts  so  heaven- 
born,  heaven-tending  ? Human  law  is  but  its  terrestrial  record. 
Then,  by  all  the  sacredness  and  imperiousness  inherent  in  the  w’ill  of 
our  God  and  Father,  is  it  obligatory  on  us  to  fulfill  His  marital  require- 
ments.79 His  will  let  us  execute. 

And  now,  please  mark,  as  God  ordained  marriage  by  concentrating 
it  in  one  love,  and  by  rendering  that  love  self-perpetuating,42  and  con- 
fining it  to  but  one,Sec- IV*  He  commands  each  love-subject  to  love,  that 
is,  to  marry  only  that  specific  one  beloved.  And  of  course  abundantly 
rewards  those  who  consummate  that  marriage  aright.2  But  punishes 
each  and  all  who  break  her  marital  or  love-law  by  diversifying 
that  love.  By  the  importance  of  a right  love  and  marriage,36  is  the 
terrible  penalty  of  the  breach  of  this  natural  law.48  By  the  eternity  of 
God’s  throne  is  the  certainty  of  such  punishments. 

Then  do  not  those  parents,  and  all  others  who  interfere  to  break  up  a 
true  love,  thereby  interfere  with  God’s  requirements  just  as  effectually 
as  if  they  sundered  their  marital  bands  after  their  merely  legal  marriage  ? 
Neither  minister  nor  legal  officer  marries  them,  but  God  has  already 
married  them  in  and  by  their  mutual  love.  And  this  love  is  their 
Heaven-sealed  marital  certificate.  They  break  that  who  sunder  two 
willing  hearts  cemented  by  love.  What  right  have  they  to  unmarry 
those  God  has  married  ? And  will  He  not  terribly  punish  those  who 
undo  His  perfect  work?  So  be  careful,  parents,  relatives,  all  you  who 
interfere  in  love  matters.  It  is  sacrilege.  It  is  God’s  most  holy  sac- 
rament, in  his  most  holy  temple,  u not  made  with  hands” — the  human 
heart.  Yet  this  has  been  urged  from  another  and  better  stand-point — 
a natural  law  already  expounded.63 

Nor  have  any  a right  to  permit  such  interference.79  Shall  I permit 
sacrilegious  Vandals  to  tear  open  my  heart,  any  more  than  to  pluck 
out  my  eyes  ? And  am  I not  equally  guilty  and  punishable  if  I do 
when  I can  help  it?  But  this  point  has  been  also  already  noticed.65  79 
Nor  has  any  human  being  any  business  to  break  in  upon  their  love  any 


UO  WRONG  COURTSHIP;  ITS  FATAL  CONSEQUENCES. 


more  than  to  pluck  out  their  eyes.  As  God  created  your  tongue,  and 
you  have  no  right  to  mar  yourself  or  impair  your  usefulness  to  others 
by  plucking  it  out,  so  what  right  have  you  to  break  your  own  hearts 
by  choking  off  a genuine  love  ? God  will  punish  those  who  do. 
Yet  another  is  also  concerned.  Nor  have  you  any  right  to  break  up 
their  love.  In  and  by  allowing  him  or  her  to  begin  to  love  you,  you 
virtually  obligate  yourself  to  continue  to  love,  and  thereby  put  all 
power  of  retraction  beyond  your  control,  for  each  desires  to  keep  loving, 
and  have  put  themselves  under  mutual  obligation  to  the  other. 

Then  bear  in  mind,  oh,  loving  youth,  that  reciprocated  “ love  is 
marriage.”  Its  all , its  very  soul.  And  nothing  else.  That  whoever, 
after  having  proffered  love,  and  allowed  themselves  to  be  loved,  there- 
in, thereby,  and  therefore,  marry  each  other.  That  he  who,  having 
made  love  to  a girl,  discards  her,  perpetrates  as  veritable  a divorce  as 
if  he  had  effected  that  divorce  after  their  legal  marriage.  That  crime, 
how  monstrous  ! Yet  this  is  quite  as  monstrous.  And  as  'punishable , 
too.  Nor  need  those  who  perpetrate  it  ever  expect  to  be  other  than 
most  miserable;  for,  having  “ sown  the  wind,”  Nature  will  compel 
them  to  “reap  the  whirlwind.” 

Then  be  careful,  giddy  youth,  how  you  ever  begin  to  love,  unless 
you  consummate  that  love  by  marriage.  Until  and  unless  you  bring 
a special  “ permit,”  sealed  with  Nature’s  privy  seal,  to  break  up  mar- 
riages by  sundering  love-cemented  hearts,  be  careful  how  you  cement 
them.  Then  bewrare  howr  you  “ court  just  for  fun,”  or  make  love 
“only  as  a pastime,”  or  indulge  in  “ only  a flirtation for  Nature 
renders  it  obligatory  on  wrhoever  voluntarily  commences  a love  affair, 
that  they  continue  and  consummate  it,  ad  eternum ,42  43  This  calls  up 

83.  courtship’s  FIRST  ERROR LOVING  BEFORE  ENGAGING. 

No  human  being  has  any  business  to  love  until  engaged.  Nor  to 
discontinue  that  love  when  once  commenced.42  And  yet,  until  after 
their  formal  engagement,  lovers  usually  consider  themselves  at  perfect 
liberty,  at  any  time,  and  any  howr,  to  break  off.  And  for  reasons 
however  trivial,  or  even  without  cause.  So  far  therefrom,  the  very 
fact  of  their  beginning  necessarily  obliges  their  continuance,  unless 
they  are  willing  to  violate  Nature’s  first  love-law — its  perpetuity.42 

“ But  have  we  not  the  same  right  to  break  off,  wre  had  to  begin?” 

Not  unless  willing  to  “foot  Nature’s  bill.”  It  may,  indeed,  be 
better  to  “ pay  up”  now  than  redouble  the  account : for  all  her  dues 
must  be  paid.  Yet  howr  infinitely  better  not  to  open  the  account ! Yet 
most  lovers,  by  breaking  this  love-law  of  perpetuity,  go  on  “gathering 
up  wTath  against  the  day  of  wrath.”  They  may  sin  ignorantly,  per- 


COURTSHIP’S  FIRST  ERROR. 


84 1 


hapS — innocently  they  can  not,  for  their  own  natures  told  them  bet- 
ter— but  does  Nature  mitigate  any  of  her  penalties  because  her  sinners 
sin  ignorantly  ? Woman,  if,  having  prompted  a man  to  pay  you  his 
love-addresses,  allowed  him  to  love,  perhaps  caress  you,  and  expressed 
your  love  for  him,  you  should  watch  with  eagle  range  of  vision,  lynx- 
like scrutiny,  and  tiger-like  ferocity,  from  your  cradle  to  your  grave,  for 
an  opportunity  to  do  him  the  very  greatest  wrong  and  most  vital  dam- 
age woman  is  permitted  to  perpetrate  on  man,  his  dismissal,  under 
such  circumstances,  is  that  greatest,  save  possibly  his  murder.  And 
quite  likely  he  might  prefer  even  death  itself  ! Oh,  do  not  so  cruel  a 
thing  ! Inflict  not  so  great  a wrong  on  even  a beast ! Much  less  on 
a human  being  ! Most  of  all  on  a man!  And  above  all,  on  a young 
man.  And  that  even  after  he  has  paid  you  that  greatest  practical 
compliment  of  loving  you  ! And  after  you,  your  own  self,  monstrous 
monster,  have  manifested  toward  him  that  tender  fondness  and  exalted 
regard  inherent  in  love  ! Perpetrate  almost  any  other  crime  if  you 
will,  or  inflict  any  other  torture,  but  oh,  for  your  own  sake,  for  his 
sake,  for  God’s  sake,  spare  yourself  and  him  this  torture  ! 

Then  what  of  those  men  who  thus  draw  out  the  affections  of  young 
women  only  to  blast  them  ? The  effects  of  that  blasting  have  already 
been  presented.Sec-IL»45to48  Only  those  who  have  thus  suffered  can 
begin  to  realize  them.  Nor  they  any  more  than  merely  begin.  Yet 
you,  culprit,  inflict  all  this  anguish  on  a fellow-being — a child  of  our 
common  Father  in  heaven  ! And  that  a female!  Should  not  men 
promote  the  happiness,  not  cause  the  misery,  even  of  beast?  How 
much  more  of  man  ? Most  of  all  of  woman  ? It  is  barbarous  for 
savage  Indian  to  torture  hapless  victim  by  slow  but  agonizing  inches, 
till  his  sturdy  frame  sinks  in  death  ! Then  shall  civilized  man  inflict 
an  agony  far  more  protracted,  and  as  much  more  agonizing  as  mental 
sufferings  exceed  physical  pain?  And  thereby  render  that  loved 
being  almost  a wreck  or  blank  ? And  that  being  a woman  ? Monster 
incarnate  ! Cruelty  to  the  opposite  sex  is  doubly  distilled  barbarity  ! 

And  that  woman  young!  However  horrid  for  an  old  man  or  a boy 
to  torture  an  old  woman,  or  for  a young  man  to  torture  an  old  woman, 
for  a young  man  to  torture  a young  woman,  as  much  as  any  man  must 
who  has  called  out  her  love  only  to  blast  it — and  by  your  own  show- 
ing she  loves  dearly,  else  why  you  love  her? — is  cold-blooded  cruelty 
a little  more  desperate,  and  devilishness  a little  more  devilish  than 
even  a very  devil  incarnate  will  or  can  perpetrate  ! And  all  this  after 
you  your  own  self  have  voluntarily  asleed  her  to  love  you  ! Even  if 
she  had  made  the  first  advances,  and  you  only  assented  thereto,  how 
cruel  thus  to  congeal  her  love  ! But  whereas  society  awards  to  her 


342  WRONG  COURTSHIP;  ITS  FATAL  CONSEQUENCES. 


but  the  poor  privilege  only  of  accepting  masculine  proffers,  while  it 
allows  you  that  of  making  them,  for  you  then  to  select  your  victim,  as 
the  owl  his  sleeping  bird,  and  prey  on  her  sowZ-vitals — let  the  God- 
cursed  serpent  charm  his  bewildered  victim  only  to  destroy,  but  oh, 
what  intensity  of  Divine  wrath  which  mortals  can  be  made  to  endure, 
here  or  hereafter,  can  duly  punish  so  great  a sinner  for  so  great  a sin  ! 

But  Nature  will  devise  and  execute  adequate  punishment.  Leave 
that  to  her.  u The  soul  that  sinnelh , it  itself  shall  die.”  And  a death 
commensurate  with  the  sin.  For  God  is  infinitely  just,  infinitely 
retributory.  He  punishes  partly  by  that  terrible  tormentor — memory. 
Behold  that  murderer  ! No  human  eye  saw  him  do  the  deed,  but  its 
very  doing  itself  struck  such  an  awful  terror  into  his  soul  that,  go  where 
he  will,  do  what  he  may,  by  night,  by  day,  awake,  asleep,  the  start- 
ling vision  haunts  him  ever — horrifies  him  perpetually.  You  who  have 
called  out  and  blighted  the  affections  of  a lovely  woman,  have  thereby 
branded  “ the  mark  of  Cain”  into  your  innermost  souls  ! Her  memory 
you  must  carry  with  you  ever — must  recall  her  sweet  look  as  she 
drank  in  your  expressions  of  love,  her  open,  expressive  eyes,  her  glow- 
ing cheek  re-beautified  by  the  blushes  of  young  love,9  as  only  the 
Divine  limner  can  paint,  her  tender,  thrilling  love  tones  as  she  praised 
her  idol ! You  pray  to  forget,  but  can  not.  Now  how  changed  ! So 
pale,  so  sad,  so  literally  broken-hearted.48  How  pitiable  the  sight ! 
Yet  no  eye  can  read  the  half  that  mournful  visage  tells  ! Nor  face 
tell  half  her  wretched  spirit  feels  !48  A lovely  human  being  almost 
spoiled!  And  u you  did  it,  yes,  you ,”  11  thou  art  the  man,”  staring 
you  ever  in  the  face  ! In  vain  you  dash  into  business,  or  seek  pleas- 
ure in  the  club-room,  or  flowing  bowl,  or  gambling  u hell.”  There 
sticks  the  soul-struck  brand  for  all.  Nor  do  even  you  begin  to  realize 
how  deep  that  brand  ! And  Time  forever  re-deepening  it ! Then 
what  must  eternity  do?  If  there  is  “ forgiveness  of  sins,”  in  God’s 
name  let  such  seek  it  first,  for  of  all  others  they  need  it  most.  Yet 
deserve  it  least. 

And  she,  poor  despoiled  mortal,  perpetually  exclaiming  in  spirit, 
though  words  are  only  mockery,  u How  could  he  ! Oh,  how  could  he  be 
so  very  cruel !”  She  may  not  seek  vengeance,  but  her  own  wounded 
spirit  becomes  its  own  avenger.  Nature  has  this  law.  As  u the  blood 
of  Abel  crying  to  Heaven  for  vengeance”  avenges  itself,  so  both  the 
blessings  and  cursings  of  man  on  man,  do  verily  bless  and  curse  their 
objects.  Her  wounded  spirit’s  sorrows  become  your  curses.  Her 
troubled  state  of  mind  hangs  a mill-stone  pall  about  your  doomed  neck. 
Go  ! Hasten  ! Make  confession,  and  seek  forgiveness,  ere  too  late. 
And  how  many  such  miserable  women  and  exorcised  men  throng  our 


COURTSHIP’S  FIRST  ERROR. 


343 


busy  earth  ! They  congregate  at  club-room  and  the  public  gathering. 
They  fill  counting-room,  parlor,  and  even  vestibule  of  religion.  God 
only  knows  who  or  where  they  are  not!  Oh,  young  man,  who  have  not 
yet  cursed  your  future  by  thus  wounding  woman’s  spirit,  be  entreated 
never  to  allow  any  woman  even  to  begin  to  love  you  till  willing  and 
ready  to  enthrone  her  queen  forever  of  your  heart  and  life  ! That 
love  is  infinitely  precious  ! How  precious,  we  have  yet  to  show. 
But  her  heart-broken  mourning  is  your  death-dirge — if  not  burial.  At 
least  of  life’s  zest. 

“ But  I never  asked  her  to  love  me;  then  how  am  I to  blame?” 

Sure  you  “never  asked?”  Called  you  not  often  to  see  her? 
Waited  you  not  on  her,  time  and  again,  to  concert,  picnic,  church? 
And  in  your  best  dress  of  mind  as  well  as  broadcloth  ? Looked  you 
not  so  blandly,  seemed  you  not  so  happy  when  with  her,  as  if  you 
could  not  bask  enough  in  the  light  of  her  beaming  countenance  ? Did 
not  your  actions — and  they  always  “ speak  louder  than  words” — tell 
her  but  too  plainly  that  you  both  loved  her,  and  asked  her  to  recipro- 
cate that  love?  And  when  finally,  reluctantly,  confidingly,  she  took 
you  on  your  act)  did  you  not,  by  inviting  her  affections,  proffer  her 
your  own  ? And  that  far  more  directly  than  words  could  do  ? If  not, 
then  are  actions  but  farces.  You  asked  her,  by  special  gallant  atten- 
tions to  her,  to  love  you,  which,  in  their  very  nature,  implied  that,  if 
she  only  would  love  you,  you  would  unite  your  love  and  life  with  hers. 
Outrageous  thus  to  solicit  and  accept  her  love,  without  implying  that 
you  will  repay  her  affections  in  and  by  returning  your  own  ! Far  less 
a robber  he  who  asks  a merchant  his  price  for  his  choice  goods,  appears 
satisfied  therewith,  and  takes  the  goods , but  refuses  to  pay,  and  then 
sneaks  out,  with,  ce  I never  promised  to  pay.” 

“ But,  sir,  your  very  taking  the  goods  was  your  promise,  implied 
and  expressed  in  the  very  nature  of  things,  to  pay  for  them.  And  all 
law,  all  justice,  hold  you  thereto,”  would  be  any  business-man’s  reply. 
And  is  woman’s,  in  and  by  a like  asking  and  accepting  her  love. 

As  long  and  as  far  as  you  pay  just  as  much  court  to  all  ladies  as  to 
any  one,  and  that  only  a gentlemanly  deportment,  you  do  not  commit 
yourself,  however  gallant.  But  to  single  out  one  girl  in  particular , 
proffer  her  your  escort  and  gallant  attentions,  manifesting  toward  and 
receiving  from  her  looks  and  expressions  of  affection  with  satisfaction, 
etc.,  is  a virtual  promise  of  marriage,  the  highest  and  strongest  you 
can  make  her. 

Besides,  what  business  have  you  with  her  love  except  as  your  wife? 
Her  love  is  her  wifehood.  And  all  of  it.  To  render  her  a wife  and 
thereby  mother,  alone  was  it  created.  And,  other  things  being  equal, 


344  WRONG  COURTSHIP;  ITS  FATAL  CONSEQUENCES. 


the  stronger  it  is,  the  better  a wife  does  it  render  her.  And  your  calling 
out  and  blasting  it,  de  facto , spoils  that  wifehood.  Or  if  not,  no  thanks 
to  you,  for  you  did  just  the  very  thing  calculated  to  spoil  it.  What 
pleasure,  except  temporary,  what  but  protracted  pain,  can  she  derive 
from  loving  you,  unless  you  both  love  her,  and  make  her  your  wife  ? 
And  does  not  her  loving  you  unfit  her  for  loving  another,  and  becom- 
ing another’s  wife  ?45  You  will  both  spoil  her,  and  thereby  that  man 
she  may  yet  marry.  Or,  perhaps,  by  sickening  her  of  you  and  your 
sex,46  47  you  prevent  her  marrying  at  all,  and  thus  rob  some  man  of  all 
the  happiness  he  would,  but  for  your  having  called  out  her  love,  have 
derived  from  her  as  his  wife. 

More.  In  injuring  her  you  injure  those  to  whom  she  is  related. 
Thus,  her  fond  parents  have  done  all  they  could  do  to  render  her  a, 
superior  woman,  wife,  and  mother.  You  call  on  her  as  her  suitor. 
At  least  this  is  your  natural  language.  So  they  understand  it.  And 
as  such,  and  only  on  that  account,  do  they  tolerate  your  visits.  If 
they  supposed  you  came  merely  to  fritter  awray  her  affections,  they 
would,  at  least  should,  deny  you  their  house.  You  call  in  the  guise 
of  a genuine  courtship,  and  thereby  bind  yourself  by  its  implications, 
namely,  that,  unless  some  special  reasons  prevent,  you  will  marry  her. 
Being  her  natural  guardians  and  protectors,  it  is  their  duty  to  see  that 
her  lovers  do  not  u come  as  wolves  in  sheep’s  clothing,77  but  as  genuine 
prospective  companions.  And  they  can  and  should  eject  you  from 
their  premises,  and  with  the  utmost  indignation,  even  violence,  if 
they  supposed  you  came  for  any  other  purpose.  Under  this  false  dis- 
guise you  undermine  her  affections,  and  by  doing  her  all  the  damage 
already  described  under  broken  hearts,48  you  thereby  injure  her  parents, 
and  all  her  relatives  ; who  are  justified  in  inflicting  the  same  summary 
punishment  for  this  false  courtship  that  they  would  be  if  you  came  to 
assault  her  virtue ; for  you  are  doing  them  and  her  as  great  an 
injury.45 

To  crowm  all,  you  prove  traitor  ! You  coax  out  her  love.  She 
thinks  you  mean  as  you  act,  and  therefore  confides  her  affections  to 
you.  Now  confidence  is  intrinsically  sacred.  Even  between  friends 
it  should  on  no  account  be  violated.  Much  more  between  the  sexes. 
Most  of  all  in  this  very  matter  of  love.  If  break  faith  you  must,  break 
it  as  to  dollars,  as  to  word  of  honor,  as  to  veracity,  as  to  even  friend- 
ship, but  God  forbid  that  you  break  a confiding  woman’s  faith  ! And, 
above  all,  in  this  holiest  of  all  matters,  her  affections! 

u But  these  girls  are  so  very  tender-hearted,  that  one  can  not  even 
treat  them  politely,  hardly  look  at  them,  without  their  getting  in  love.77 

Yes  you  can;  for  no  true  woman  will  ever  bestow  her  affections 


COURTSHIP’S  FIRST  ERROR. 


345 


till  asked , in  word  or  deed,  by  the  one  on  whom  she  bestows  them — at 
least  till  after  twenty-two.  Nor  then,  without  first  asking  and  getting 
leave.  And  a virtual  promise  of  its  return ; for  Nature  has  thrown  a 
wall  of  maidenly  modesty  around  female  love  proportionate  to  that 
love,  which  restrains  undue  forwardness  on  her  part,  till  her  love  is 
first  drawn  forth.  Let  the  self-consciousness  both  of  every  woman, 
and  of  all  close  observers  of  the  female  sex,  testify  as  to  this  point. 
Granted  that  these  boarding-school  u semitery”  mushrooms  are  indeed 
u so  very  tender-hearted.”  They  are  rendered  so  by  that  extra  cere- 
bral action,  along  with  physical  inertia,  which  begets  unnatural  crav- 
ings of  all  kinds,  those  of  love  included.  Yet  even  these,  while  they 
take  advantage  of  even  slight  proffers  to  court  right  hard,  yet  wait 
for  some  manifestations  of  preference  before  they  manifest  theirs. 

But  woman  does  indeed  cling  as  with  the  grasp  of  desperation  to 
the  man  who  elicits  her  love.  To  shake  off  either  is  well-nigh  im- 
possible. 

And  this  is  as  it  should  be.  Woman  ought  to  be  as  loving  as  she 
is.  She  is  the  terrestrial  angel  of  love.  And-  if  man  should  thank 
God  for  any  one  earthly  blessing,  or  female  characteristic,  it  is  that, 
and  because  she  is  thus  affectionate.  It  is  this  alone  which  either 
makes  her  a good  wife,  or  any  wife  at  all,  for  that  matter.  And  the 
stronger  it  is,  incomparably  the  better  a wife  does  it  render  her.6  So 
that,  by  the  value  of  woman  in  general,  and  wife  in  particular,  is  the 
value  of  this  her  uxorious  constituent. 

But  shall  man  therefore  take  advantage  of  this  crowning  jewel  in 
the  diadem  of  woman's  nature  to  despoil  her  thereby  and  therefore  ? 
And  then  taunt  her  therewith  besides?  So  far  therefrom,  is  he  not 
bound  to  stand  sentry  around  her  love?  Rendered  thus  loving  more 
for  his  good  than  hers,  shall  he  not  guard  her  affections  with  greater 
vigilance  than  any  other  female  quality  ? Shall  self-invited  guests, 
having  no  rights  but  those  of  sufferance,  seize  on  the  citadel,  and  work 
ruinous  havoc  just  because  its  gates  open  on  too  slight  application? 
Shall  not  this  very  easy  opening  awaken  a generous  protection,  instead 
of  Vandal  sacking  ? And  the  more  easily  man  can  get  woman’s  love, 
the  more  studiously  should  he  guard  against  calling  it  forth,  except  in 
and  for  marriage. 

And  every  young  woman  should  repress  her  bubbling  love,  if  needs 
be  even  steel  her  heart  against  all  affeetional  overtures,  unless  and 
until  accompanied  by  proposals.  Her  love  is  her  all,  so  that  she 
should  ”set  her  face  as  a flint’7  against  all  forms  of  courtship,  unless 
first  well-nigh  certain  that  her  affections  can  and  will  be  reciproca- 
ted,41*041 and  eventuate  in  marriage.38 

15* 


346  WRONG  COURTSHIP;  ITS  FATAL  CONSEQUENCES. 


And  shall  man  guard  his  own  and  woman’s  love,  and  shall  not  she 
also  guard  hers,  and  likewise  his  ? Shall  she  allow  him  to  wait  on 
and  proffer  marks  of  special  regard,  when  she  has  no  intentions  of  mar- 
rying him  ?80  She  may  not  do  him  as  great  a wrong  by  allowing  his 
attentions  as  he  her,  by  proffering  her  his  “just  for  fun,”  but  does  she 
not  do  him  a wrong  which  no  true  woman  should  ever  do  any  man  ? 
By  the  mere  fact  of  receiving  his  special  attentions,  she  practically 
encourages  their  continuance,  and  promises  her  own  in  return.  Nor 
should  either  sex  allow  any  affectional  manifestations  till  affianced. 
Mate  first,  then  love,  and  consider  as  in  Nature,  so  in  yourselves,  that 
loving  is  marrying 

84.  SORTER  COURTING,  AND  SORTER  NOT. 

A young  Hoosier  once  asked  a young  Hoosieress,  “ Sal,  is  anybody 
courtin’  on  you  now  ?” — meaning  to  inquire  whether  his  own  addresses 
would  be  acceptable — to  which  Sal  replied  : 

“Wall,  Sam,  there’s  one  feller,  a sorter  courtin’  and  sorter  not,  but 
I reckon  as  how  its  more  sorter  not , than  sorter.” 

Is  that  the  way  you  court,  you  “sorter”  good-for-nothing  nobodies? 
Do  it  up  “ brown]'  or  else  let  it  alone.  This  half-courting  won’t  pay 
either  party,  except  “ over  the  left.”  But  there  it  “ pays  big.”  Es- 
pecially the  courted.  Her  selecting  period  is  short — only  from  eighteen 
to  twenty-one.39  It  therefore  becomes  her  to  “make  hay  while  the 
sun  shines.”  Let  not  her  love  hay-day  be  frittered  away.  Nor  has 
any  man  any  right  to  any  more  of  her  precious  mating  period  than  is 
absolutely  necessary  for  selection.  Hence  to  call  and  keep  calling 
every  now  and  then,  just  enough  to  encourage  her  hopes,  yet  discour- 
age others,  and  after  wasting  all  this  her  most  precious  marital  seed- 
time, to  thus  discard  her,  is  a flagrant  wrong,  of  which  no  human 
being  should  ever  he  guilty.  Nor  will  any  true  man.  So  you  who 
are  “ sorter  courting  and  sorter  not,”  just  hurry  up,  or  stand  aside. 

Yet,  after  all,  woman  has  her  redress.  And  is  culpable  if  she  does 
not  put  it  into  requisition.  It  is  this.  Say  virtually,  either  in  words 
or  actions — and  acts  speak  loudest — 

“ When  you  have  any  definite  proposals  to  make,  it  will  give  me 
pleasure  to  canvass  and  consider  them ; but  till  then,  I must  beg  to  be 
excused.” 

This  will  bring  him  to  his  bearing — extort  a proposal,  compel  a dec- 
laration— or  else  clear  the  coast,  and  prepare  the  way  for  another  ap- 
plication. And  she  who  allows  herself  to  be  thus  cheated  out  of  her 
mating  period,  perpetrates  on  herself  an  incalculable  wrong,  for  which 
she  may  yet  be  obliged  to  atone  by  a “life  of  single  blessedness,”  or 


TRYING  EACH  OTHER’S  LOVE:  TEASING. 


347 


an  unfortunate  marriage.  Nor  should  she  be  too  mealy-mouthed.  Nor 
even  too  patient,  for  here,  pre-eminently,  “ forbearance  both  ceases  to  be 
a virtue,”  and  becomes  a crime.  And  that  against  herself — the  last 
earthly  being  on  whbm  she  should  impose. 

Yet  young  ladies  sometimes  dally.  But  if  man  has  no  right  to  keep 
woman  in  suspense,  should  a woman  delay  making  up  her  mind  any 
longer  than  obliged  to  ? She  is  entitled  to  all  the  time  requisite  for 
deliberation  and  consultation,  making  all  requisite  inquiries,  but  should 
ask  and  take  no  more. 

But  our  object  is  simply  to  prevent  undue  delay,  yet  not  to  encour- 
age undue  haste;  but  rather  to  advise  as  much  promptness  and  as 
little  vacillation  in  this  matter  as  the  nature  of  the  case  will  allow. 

85.  TRYING  EACH  OTHER’S  LOVE  ! TEASING. 

“Now  I should  just  like  to  know  for  certain  whether  that  girl  I am 
courting  really  does  love  me,  or  not.  And  I mean  to  find  out,  too.  I 
am  just  going  to  play  off  a little,  and  court  another,  and  see  how  her 
ladyship  likes  it.” 

How  should  you  know  ? You  never  asked  her.  As  when  you  desire 
other  kinds  of  information  you  ask  for  it,  why  not  for  this  ? She  can 
and  will  tell  you.  How  could  she  before  ? Must  she  betray  her  per- 
sonal feelings  to  you  unsolicited  ? And  in  a matter  thus  delicate  ? 
She  should,  doubtless  will,  wait  either  till  you  declare  yourself,  or  else 
ask  her  for  a declaration.  And  custom  renders  it  manifestly  your  place 
to  declare  and  propose  first.  Perhaps  after  she  is  twenty-two  she  may 
lead  off;  hardly  before. 

But  you  forget  that  by  “ trying”  her  love  you  spoil  that  of  both, 
and  likely  yourselves  besides.48  Twice  before  we  have  said — and  it 
deserves  to  be,  and  will  be  twice  repeated — that  human  nature  loves 
what  makes  it  happy,  but  hates  what  renders  it  miserable.  And  in 
proportion  thereto — a law  as  universal  and  as  necessary  as  gravity  to 
mechanism.  Than  this  courting  another,  nothing  else  could  as  effect- 
ually outrage,  reverse,  pain  her  pride,  anger,  affection,  all  her  facul- 
ties, and  thereby  throw  her  whole  being  into  the  most  painful  condition 
possible.Sec* n-  And  this  embitters  both  her  love  and  life,  and  thereby 
necessarily  and  always  engenders  hate.  Nor  can  this  result  be  avoid- 
ed. Can  she  help  being  made  wretched  thereby?  Or  shrinking  from, 
repelling,  and  even  hating  what  causes  this  pain  ? Impossible  ! You 
have  done  her  a palpable  wrong.  Yet  what  has  she  done  to  deserve 
all  this ? Or  if  she  had,  “ turn  the  other  cheek”  not  smite  a woman 
back.  She  is  innocent,  but  you  the  aggressor.  And  you  thereby 
thrust  a barbed. poisoned  arrow  into  her  heart,  which  will  ache  and 


348 


WRONG  COURTSHIP;  ITS  FATAL  CONSEQUENCES. 


fester,  perhaps  even  break  it.48  This  you  have  no  right  to  do.  Are 
most  guilty  for  doing.  And  must  atone  to  Nature  and  her  therefor.83 

Moreover,  this  is  the  very  worst  policy  possible.  What  good  does 
it  accomplish  ? Does  it  disclose  the  desired  secret  ? Instead,  does  it 
not  repress  it  ? Engender  her  hatred  it  may,  should,  must;  but  if  it 
does  not  reveal  her  love,  it  at  least  bears  it  down  deeper  under  a mist 
of  impenetrability,  for  whoever  discloses  this  sentiment  to  those  who 
provoke  indignation  ? Is  not  this  a law  of  mind  ? 

Besides,  suppose  you  finally  marry  her.  You  must  either  confess 
your  guilt  somehow,  beg  pardon,  and  be  forgiven,  which  puts  you  in 
a humbled  position — that  of  a self-convicted  criminal,  pleading  for 
mercy — or  remain  condemned  in  her  mind  as  well  as  convicted  in 
your  own,  but  unrepentant , unforgiven.  And  this  state  of  mind  is 
almost  certain  to  beget  alienations  on  other  points,  which  otherwise 
would  not  have  risen.  As  a broken  bone  breaks  all  the  easier,  and 
heals  all  the  harder  a second  time,  so  this  hardness  begets  ill  feeling 
on  both  sides  in  other  matters,  which  would  otherwise  have  united 
instead  of  alienating  you. 

To  wound  each  other’s  feelings  is  as  if  both  were  drinking  the  most 
delicious  and  soul-inspiriting  nectar  in  overflowing  abundance  from 
one  common  goblet,  which  Nature  refills  faster  than  you  can  drain  it, 
till  your  own  accursed  hand — it  had  better  be  palsied — drops  in  a bitter 
pill,  which  continues  to  dissolve  and  embitter,  while  you  sip  on  till 
you  have  drunk  enough  to  fill  a hundred  goblets,  yet  the  bitterness 
still  remains.  But  suppose  further,  that  this  pill,  besides  its  own  in- 
herent bitterness,  contained  a chemical  element  which,  combining  with 
some  otherwise  sweet  ingredient  of  the  nectar,  turns  them  also  into  bit- 
terness and  poison,  and  thereby  continues  to  re-embitter  and  re-poison 
this  nectar  the  longer  you  drink,  while  you  are  both  compelled  to 
drink,  drink  on,  on,  on,  its  unmitigated  poisons  through  life. 

Everything  in  Nature  grows.  Time  augments  vegetable,  tree, 
animal,  man,  and  all  her  functions.  Crescendo  is  a natural  law. 
And  as  “ great  oaks  from  little  acorns  grow”  in  the  world  of  seeds, 
so  doubly  in  that  of  the  human  passions  and  emotions.  As  a small 
crevasse  on  the  levee  of  the  great  u Father  of  Waters”  soon  widens  and 
deepens,  till  it  finally  overflows  u all  the  country  around  about,”  doing 
millions  of  damage,  and  that  from  a beginning  so  small  that  a single 
spade  of  earth,  seasonably  and  rightfully  applied,  would  have  pre- 
vented all,  saved  all : so  anything  which,  during  courtship,  causes 
pain,  endangers  an  irreparable  breach  between  two  who  otherwise 
would  have  remained  perfectly  happy  together.  And  the  earlier,  the 
more  fatal.  And  the  more  assiduously  to  be  guarded  against,  or  ar- 


LOVE  SPATS. 


349 


rested  in  its  very  beginning.  If  love  can  be  allowed  once  but  fairly  to 
establish  itself  by  being  cherished  without  interruption  for  a year  or 
two,  the  affections  become  so  confirmed  that  to  sunder  them  will  be 
well-nigh  impossible.  During  this  period  let  both  stand  sentinel,  and 
neither  give  offense  nor  take  it — neither  causing  pain  in  this  or  any 
other  respect,  because,  whatever  causes  pain,  whether  ignorantly  or 
intentionally,  necessarily  impairs  love.  This  love-law  is  final  and 
absolute.  Nor  has  it  any  exceptions. 

86.  LOVE-SPATS. 

Horrid  monsters  ! TZafe-spats,  rather.  u A rose  by  any  other 
name.77 

Most  lovers  know  by  sad  experience  what  they  are,  yet  few  realize 
how  dreadfully  fatal  their  eventualities  to  subsequent  affection.  As 
well  a blighting  u sirocco77  sweep  over  a fertile  plain  teeming  with 
life,  as  any  of  these  poisonous  blights  of  love  cross  its  flowery  path- 
way. Their  effect  on  their  future  affection  is  almost  paralytic.  Nor 
should  they  on  any  account  be  allowed.  Indeed,  what  is  settled  mar- 
ital hatred  but  a prolonged  i:  spat  ?77  And  the  oftener  they  recur,  the 
more  fatal  to  love.  They  are  the  sting  of  the  hornet  thrust  into  the 
eye  of  affection.  “ The  poison  of  asps  is  under  their  lips.77  The  first 
is  like  a deep  gash  cut  into  a beautiful  face,  both  rendering  it  ghastly 
and  leaving  a frightful  scar,  which  neither  time  nor  cosmetics  can 
ever  efface.  They  induce  that  pain  just  shown  to  be  fatal  to  love,85 
and  blot  that  sacred  love-page  with  memory7s  most  hideous  and  imper- 
ishable visages.  Can  not  many  now  unhappy  trace  back  to  one  of 
these  as  the  beginning  of  that  alienation  which  has  embittered  your 
subsequent  marital  cup  and  spoiled  your  lives?  With  what  inherent 
repulsion  do  you  look  back  upon  them  ? Every  memory  of  therr^  is 
horrid,  and  their  effects  on  love  correspondingly  destructive. 

But  their  analysis  alone  reveals  their  inherent  deformity.  In  what 
do  they  consist ? WhoAy  in  mutual  animosities  and  reproaches. 
They  imply,  and  generally  express,  that  each  has  done  or  is  doing  the 
other  a deep  willful  wrong,  which  justice,  self-respect,  all  their  facul- 
ties, require  them  to  resent.  And  which  they  do  resent.  And  that 
most  positively.  Even  though  they  sustain  this  most  sacred  relation 
of  lovers  ! It  is  bad  enough  in  all  conscience  for  mere  acquaintances 
to  thus  u fall  out,77  no  matter  which  is  right  or  wrong.  But  for  lovers — 
those  who  have  lavished  their  mutual  affections  upon  each  other,  and 
again  expect  to — it  is  perfectly  abhorrent  to  all  the  higher,  finer  feel- 
ings of  human  nature.  If  they  express  their  implied  grievances,  the 
accuser  thereby  charges  the  accused  with  conduct  too  outrageous  to 


\ 


350  WRONG  COURTSHIP;  ITS  FATAL  CONSEQUENCES. 


be  borne,  both  condemning  each  other  in  the  most  unqualified  lan- 
guage and  manner.  But  if  they  sulk,  they  go  even  further,  by  impli- 
cation.  As  if  like  u grief  too  deep  for  utterance,”  words  but  mock  the 
evils  they  endure,  till  they  abominate  each  other  too  deeply  to  deign 
to  speak.  What  condemnation  could  be  more  condemnatory  ? What 
is  it  but  the  utmost  disdain  ? 

But  what  is  as  diametrically  contrary  to  the  spirit  of  true  love  ? Is 
it  not  to  love  what  a black  frost  is  to  vegetation,  or  ice  to  fire  ? Al- 
ways, necessarily,  and  ipso  facto  ? What  else  can  it  mean,  unless 
that  the  accusing  party  is  most  wicked  ? For  one  man  to  accuse  an- 
other is  no  trifle.  It  is  a perfect  outrage  for  a merchant  to  charge  his 
clerk  with  embezzlement,  or  any  one  to  call  another  a liar  or  repro- 
bate. If  the  accused  is  innocent,  does  not  the  accuser  perpetrate  a 
crime  quite  as  great  as  that  charged  on  the  accused  ? Why  slander, 
false  imprisonment,  etc.,  punished  so  severely,  but  by  virtue  of  this 
principle?  Well-behaved  human  beings,  be  a little  careful  how  you 
charge  wrong  upon  others  unless  their  guilt  is  so  palpable  that  neither 
doubt  nor  palliation  remains.  Common  law  and  justice  presuppose 
all  innocent  till  proved  guilty.  Then  should  not  the  accused,  unless 
a poltroon,  resent  such  indignities  ? 

But  how  much  worse  for  the  sexes  to  falsely  accuse  each  other  ? 
The  accuser  becomes  quite  as  bad  as  the  accused  would  have  been, 
if  guilty  ? 

But  doubly  worse  for  those  who  have  reciprocated  that  sacred  sen- 
timent of  love  ! u If  mine  enemy  had  done  this,  I could  have  borne  it, 
but  it  is  in  the  house  of  my  friends , with  whom  I have  taken  sweet 
counsel.” 

Of  all  those  causes  which  revert  and  avert  love,  these  “spattings” 
are  the  most  fatal.  What  are  they  but  disappointment  in  its  very 
worst  form  ?45  10  48  And  necessarily  and  always  productive  of  all  its 
terrible  consequences?  A first  law  of  love  compels  this  eventuality. 
Nor  can  anything  prevent  it. 

u But  as  thunder-storms  clear  the  atmosphere,  and  promote  vegeta- 
tion, why  not  these  love-spats  equally  promote  love,  instead  of  mar- 
ring it.” 

Because  their  very  nature  is  in  direct  hostility  thereto,  and  this 
answer  is  conclusive. 

u Nevertheless,  they  often  do  promote  it.” 

That  they  always  might,  is  admitted,  on  a principle  applied  to 
u broken  hearts,”48  but  that  they  often  do , is  stoutly  denied.  True, 
Nature’s  economies  permit  the  worst  misfortunes  to  be  turned  into  the 
greatest  of  blessings.  Yet  no  thanks  to  the  misfortunes.  Good  often 


LOVE-SPATS. 


351 


comes  of  evil.  But  u shall  we  therefore  do  evil  that  good  may  come  ?77 
Is  wrath  the  less  wicked,  per  se . because  often  made  to  u praise  God?” 
Or  evil  less  evil  because  overruled  for  good  ? 

But  as  fits  of  sickness  do  sometimes  purify  the  system  and  improve 
health,  so  love-spats  may,  by  proper  management,  be  made  to  strengthen 
love,  instead  of  weakening  it.  This  depends  on  how  they  are  termi- 
nated. If  the  wronging  party — and  in  most  cases  both  are  usually 
wrong — come  too,  confess,  beg  pardon,  and  promise  never  to  sin  thus 
again , and  both  mutually  do  forgive,  re-vow,  and  re-resolve  to  do 
better  ever  afterward,  thus  virtually  re-mating ,48  they  will  reunite, 
instead  of  alienating.  But  it  is  this  re-cherishing  of  love  which  both 
staves  off  this  dire  alienating  consequence,  and  substitutes  re-increased 
affection  instead.  When  the  u spats77  work  out  their  own  legitimate 
eventualities,  they  always,  by  virtue  of  their  own  inherent  nature, 
reverse  and  destroy  affection.  And  that  in  proportion  to  their  fre- 
quency and  intensity. 

Say,  ye  who  have  experienced  them — and  how  few  have  not — how 
did  you  feel  afterward  ? As  if  a terrible  storm  had  chilled  and  drenched 
you  ; as  though  a lightning  flash  came  near  destroying  root  as  well  as 
searing  top;  as  though  snatched  from  the  very  edge  of  a precipice, 
and  saved  from  a yawning  gulf:  as  though  ashamed,  and  humbled, 
and  u so  sorry  this  difficulty  ever  happened  ;77  u would  have  given  the 
world  if  it  had  not ;77  as  if  renewed  efforts  were  required  to  repair  its 
breach;  as  if  “ this  never  ought  to  recur  again.77 

Nor  ought  it.  It  is  a most  dangerous  experiment.  And  its  fre- 
quency only  reincreases  its  fatality.  Even  the  strongest  loves  will 
not  endure  many.  Nor  any  love  become  strong  with  many.  Their 
final  impression  is,  “ I will  overlook  this  once,  but  don7t  provoke  me  a 
second  time.77  They  leave  your  love  on  a plane  far  below  that  on 
which  they  found  it.  Nor  on  a familiar,  but  at  least  a suspecting,  if 
not  a hating  one.  They  substitute  distrust  for  confidence.  And  induce 
a feeling  of  commonness,  if  not  contempt,  in  place  of  exalted  admira- 
tion. Both  now  eye  each  other  like  two  curs,  each  watching  lest  the 
other  should  gain  some  new  vantage-ground  of  assault.  All  their  looks 
and  actions  totally  changed  ! Before,  so  tender;  now,  so  cold  and 
hardened  ! Before,  so  coy  anl  familiar;  after,  how  reserved,  distant, 
hard,  and  austere!  Before,  hovv  talkative;  after,  how  demure,  as  if 
attending  to  something  else,  and  trying  to  forget  that  each  other  is 
present ! Their  mutual  platforms  and  stand-points  respecting  each 
other,  how  strangely  altered  ! And  only  for  the  worse. 

Or  if  they  make  up  by  confession,  the  confessor  feels  so  mean,  as  if 
caught  stealing  chickens,  and  suffering  its  disgrace.  All  the  worse  if 


352  WRONG  COURTSHIP;  ITS  FATAL  CONSEQUENCES. 


both  confess  and  forgive,  for  it  obliges  both  to  assume  a humbled  mien 
toward  each  other  * for  forgiveness  implies  both  inferiority  and  pity, 
from  which  all  that  is  manly  in  man  revolts,  and  which  all  that  is 
womanly  in  woman  abhors.  But  better  this  than  continued  animos- 
ities. Yet  how  infinitely  better  not  to  have  had  occasion! 

"But  these  1 spats’  can  not  be  helped.  They  are  almost  universal, 
and  seem  inherent  in  the  very  nature  of  the  different  views  and  feel- 
ings of  the  parties.  Indeed,  the  more  they  love,  the  more  they  are 
aggravated  by  each  other’s  faults,  of  which  these  ‘ spats’  are  but  the 
expression  and  correction.” 

False,  every  sentence.  So  far  from  being  universal,  they  are  inci- 
dental only  to  very  imperfect  love.  For  that  which  is  perfect  neces- 
sarily precludes  them.  And  by  virtue  of  that  perfection. 

That  they  do  indeed  essay  to  expose  each  other’s  faults  is  admitted, 
but  this  exposition  naturally  and  necessarily  re-aggravates  them.  They 
consist  in  that  very  reversed46  47  or  abnormal*1  action  of  the  faculties  in 
which  the  alleged  faults  themselves  consist,  and  by  increasing  this 
abnormality , of  necessity  reincrease  the  faults  themselves.  Sexual 
blame  never  makes  better,  but  always  only  worse  ;21  while  love  obvi- 
ates faults  by  praising  the  opposite  virtues,  or  else  hiding  the  faults, 
not  reversing  Approbativeness  by  censure.  Nor  can  they  be  justi- 
fied in  any  single  aspect  whatever.  Every  view  of  them,  both  experi- 
mental and  philosophical,  condemns  them  as  being  to  love  what 
poison  is  to  health,  both  before  marriage,  and  after  it. 

And  precisely  the  same  principles  and  results  apply  to  all  disagree- 
ments and  discords  after  marriage  as  to  those  u spats”  before.  Every 
law  of  mind,  indeed  the  very  nature  of  the  love  sentiment  itself,  ren- 
ders them  antagonistic  thereto.  And  by  any  and  all  manner  of 
means  to  be  always  and  everywhere  shunned  as  you  would  shun  the 
deadly  adder. 

Ci  But  how  can  they  be  helped  !” 

By  forestallment.  Let  all  who  reciprocate  love  mutually  begin  by 
swearing  to  each  other  that  they  will  neither  give  nor  take  occasion  to 
feel  hard.  That  each  has  too  much  confidence  in  the  other  to  for  one 
moment  presuppose  they  can  intentionally  do  wrong.  That  however 
apparently  wrong  the  actions  of  either,  the  other  will  not  think  the 
least  wrong  was  intended.  That  the  offenders  mean  right,  and  have 
some  other  reason  for  their  conduct  than  intentional  guilt.  Let  both 
but  start  their  love  career  on  this  presupposition  of  the  other’s  inno- 
cence indigenous  to  love,  and  they  can  hardly  even  begin  to  feel  hard. 
Or  if  they  do,  will  seize  on  any  extenuating  condition,  and  make  the 
very  most  out  of  all  palliating  circumstances. 


LOVE-SPATS. 


853 


Instead,  most  lovers  make  the  least.  They  often  assign  the  blackest 
motives  to  the  commonest  actions.  They  not  only  take  offense  with- 
out cause,  hut  when  disinterested  beholders  see  no  wrong  in  action  or 
intentions.  That  is,  imperfect  love  often  becomes  most  exacting  and 
censorious,  whereas  genuine  love  is  neither.  But  forbearing,  forgiv- 
ing, and  indulgent  instead.  Love  is  too  often  intermingled  with 
reversed  Cautiousness,  Approbativeness,  Combativeness,  Conscien- 
tiousness, etc.,  and  when  thus  alloyed,  is  in  that  half-jealous  state 
which  produces  this  very  action.  That  is,  it  consists  in  Amativeness, 
Adhesiveness,  and  Conjugality,  a weakened  toward  each  other,  but  also 
partially  reversed , instead  of  in  their  quiet,  normal  mood.  This  is 
bogus  love.  Is  to  genuine  love  what  jealousy  is  to  Conjugality.46 

Then,  pray,  what  is  its  analysis?  In  what  does  it  consist?57 

In  the  retroverted  state  of  the  love  faculties.45  46  In  love  ab-normal- 
ized ,67  and  therefore  ab-normalizing  the  other  faculties ; especially 
Combativeness,  Cautiousness,  Conscientiousness,  and  Approbative- 
ness. And  tears  out  the  very  life-core  of  its  pitiable  victims. 

This  analysis  points  out  a second  preventive — establishing  a per- 
fect love  in  its  very  beginning.  Usually  reversed  Cautiousness,  or 
fear  that  they  are  not  duly  loved  and  praised,  is  their  greatest  single 
cause,  and  reversed  Approbativeness,  or  mortified  pride,  the  next. 
Anything  which  at  any  previous  period  of  their  love  has  awakened  fear 
or  wounded  pride  in  reference  to  anything,  has  paved  the  way  for 
these  :c  spats,55  by  having  reversed  these  faculties,  which  reversed 
states,  remembered,  reverse  love.  Then  let  all  who  make  any  preten- 
sions to  love,  do  these  two  things — first,  guard  against  all  beginnings 
of  the  reversed  or  abnormal  action  or  any  of  their  faculties  toward 
each  other,  from  the  very  infancy  of  their  affections  ; secondly,  stran- 
gle these  hate  spats55  the  very  moment  they  arise.  Not  only  ” let 
not  the  sun  go  down  upon  thy  wrath,55  but  not  even  an  hour.  Let  the 
next  sentence  after  they  begin  quench  them  forever.  And  let  those 
who  can  not  court  without  “ spats,55  stop  trying  to  love  at  all,  for  if 
you  must  spat  before,  how  much  more  afterward  ? 

It  but  remains  to  apply  this  principle  to  the  contentions  of  mar- 
ried life.  They  are  all  the  more  fatal  after  marriage  than  before,  and 
absolutely  without  excuse.  Strangers  might  misunderstand  each 
other,  and  wound  each  other’s  sensibilities,  yet  those  who  have  lived 
long  enough  together  to  fully  understand  each  other,  ought  to  have 
their  love  so  firmly  established  as  to  preclude  discord.  Loving  and 
spatting  are  antithetical  and  incompatible.  Pure  love  can  no  more 
co-exist  with  these  u spats55  than  health  with  disease,  fire  with  water, 
heat  with  cold,  or  life  with  death.  As  disease  must  conquer  the 


354  WRONG  COURTSHIP;  ITS  FATAL  CONSEQUENCES. 


constitution,  or  the  constitution  the  disease,  as  water  must  over- 
come fire,  or  fire  water,  so  either  love  must  succumb  to  these  “spats,” 
or  they  to  it.  Though  “ making  up”  by  renewed  love-pledges  may 
turn  their  evil  into  good  a few  times,  yet  their  frequency  annuls  their 
virtue.  It  is  but  re-sinning  and  repenting,  which  soon  turns  these  very 
making-up  into  animosities.  Just  think,  for  one  moment,  how  antag- 
onistic they  really  are  to  the  entire  nature  and  spirit  of  love,  and  let 
this  constitutional  hostility  warn  all  against  carrying  on  this  deadly 
conflict,  lest  love  be  killed,  and  mutual  hatred  substituted  instead. 

Curtain  lectures  are  but  these  very  “ spats,57  “ all  on  one  side.77 
But,  having  discussed  them  elsewhere,21  and  now  from  their  negative 
stand-point,  we  dismiss  them  here  with  this  most  earnest  entreaty  to 
all  whoever  desire  each  other’s  love,  never,  by  the  sacredness  of  that 
love  and  odiousness  of  hatred,  on  any  account  whatever,  or  for  any 
earthly  reason,  even  to  attempt  them.  All  Mrs.  Caudles  are  there- 
fore deformities.  And  all  wife-scolding  husbands,  ipso  facto , mon- 
strosities. No  language  can  adequately  explain  the  outrage  they  per- 
petrate against  nature’s  sexual  institutes. 

11  Then,  in  all  conscience,  how  can  we  obviate  a companion’s  faults? 
Or  must  we  let  them  go  on  unimproved,  because  unreproved  ?” 

We  shall,  in  its  place,  show  how  to  obviate  each  other’s  faults,  but 
are  only  showing  how  this  can  not  be  done.  And  we  do  hope  these 
reasonings  will  be  duly  considered,  and  warnings  heeded. 

87.  EVERY-DAY  CLOTHES,  VS.  FALSE  APPEARANCES. 

Veritas  prevalebit. 

Nature  loves  truth,  but  abhors  falsehood.  “ Truth  will  out.” 

This  is  doubly  true  of  marriage.  It  is  meet,  is  right,  that  each 
should  know  the  other.  Else,  how  can  they  love  ? Affection  can 
fasten  only  on  known  or  supposed  virtues.  Hence,  when  genuine  ex- 
cellences exist,  either  absolutely,  or  as  regards  each  other,  the  more 
they  know  of  these  mutual  virtues,  the  more  they  love  each  other. 
And  the  less  the  less. 

But  a knowledge  of  each  other’s  errors  and  imperfect  adaptations 
must,  in  the  very  nature  of  things,  repel,  and  engender  mutual  dis- 
likes. Yet  this  is  too  apparent  to  be  questioned,  and  this  inference 
is  palpable  and  most  forcible,  that,  in  order  to  decide  whether  they 
can  love  each  other,  they  must  first  obtain  a correct  knoivledge  of  each 
other,  their  tastes,  likes,  peculiarities,  and  all  each  other’s  character- 
istics, -faults  of  course  included.  Once  irrevocably  married,  ignorance 
of  each  other’s  faults  might  perhaps  be  bliss,  and  knowledge  folly. 
Yet  not  of  each  other’s  virtues. 


EVERY-DAY  CLOTHES. 


355 


An  honest  frankness,  therefore,  between  both  parties  contemplating 
marriage,  becomes  indispensable  to  their  future  love,  while  any  suc- 
cessful concealment  during  courtship  must  inevitably  sooner  or  later 
undermine  and  destroy  their  love.  The  very  nature  of  things  requires 
and  obliges  them  to  know  each  other’s  qualities  some  time.  Marital 
experience,  if  nothing  else,  will  compel  this  knowledge.  If  they  ascer- 
tain them  beforehand,  and  deliberately  marry  notwithstanding,  they  will 
naturally  expect  and  make  up  their  minds  to  tolerate  them  always, 
yet  love  for  all.  This  prior  knowledge  is  almost  tantamount  to  their 
obviation.  It  facilitates,  almost  compels  allowances.  Yet  let  either 
suppose  before  marriage  that  the  other  had  this  excellence,  yet  find  out 
afterward  that  they  are  the  very  opposite,  and  the  deceived  one  feels 
“sold,”  as  if  “taken  in,”  wronged,  outrageously  cheated.  And  this 
reverses  Amativeness,  Self-Esteem,  Combativeness,  Conscientiousness, 
Ideality,  indeed,  all  the  faculties,  which  of  course  turns  love  into 
hatred. 

/ But  suppose  the  faulty  one  could  reply,  “ But  I told  you  beforehand. 
Yet  you  accepted  me  for  all.  If  you  could  overlook  then,  why  not 
now  ?”  This  reasoning  would  be  final. 

But,  per  contra , suppose  he  drank  and  chewed,  both  before  and  after, 
and  on  her  finding  it  out  she  should  say:  “George,  did  you  not  sol- 
emnly assure  me,  before  I consented  to  become  your  wife,  that  you 
never  did,  never  would  drink  or  chew,  whereas  it  appears  that  at  that 
very  time  you  were  actually  doing  both.  Have  I then  married  a de- 
liberate liar?”  How  much  less  occasion  to  reproach  him  if  he  had 
said  before  marriage,  “ I do  sometimes  drink  and  chew,  but  will  try  to 
reform.”  Which  would  be  most  favorable  to  her  subsequent  affec- 
tion ? And  thus  of  every  other  fault  of  either 

The  plain  fact  is,  a clear,  open  frankness  is  the  only  true  policy , and 
alone  will  pay  in  the  end.  Suppose  you  do  carry  out  a successful 
deception  till  the  Gordian  knot  is  once  tied,  what  has  that  legal  knot 
to  do  with  your  love  ?82  That  your  own  character  and  conduct  alone 
determine.  And  any  deception,  while  it  injures,  cheats  the  deceived, 
reacts  on  the  deceiver.  By  wronging  him,  she  turns  his  love  into 
hatred,  and  thereby  causes  him  to  wrong,  perhaps  abuse  her  in  other 
respects,  and  thereby  alienate  her  in  return.  She  now  considers  herself 
the  worst  abused  woman  in  the  world,  and  says,  “How  shamefully  he 
does  treat  me  !”  all  because  she  first  wronged  him,  which  alone  put  him 
into  this  abusing  mood — whereas,  but  for  her  prior  wrong,  his  mood , 
and  therefore  treatment,  would  have  been  all  right. 

“ But  thus  proclaiming  one’s  faults  beforehand  would  forestall  and 
prevent  alliances.” 


356  WRONG  COURTSHIP;  ITS  FATAL  CONSEQUENCES. 


Probably  promote,  instead.  He  must  certainly  admire  your  candor, 
and  only  love  you  all  the  more  for  your  frank  avowal,  and,  being  in 
a love-mood,  virtually  say,  u But  she  has  so  many  good  traits,  that  I 
don’t  mind  this  little  fault.” 

u But  if  it  would  break  off  your  match,  it  should.  If  his  knowing  it 
beforehand  would  have  prevented  your  love,  his  knowing  it  afterward 
will  be  sure  to  kill  it.  And  that  after  your  marriage  prevents  your 
placing  it  anywhere  else  ) whereas,  if  it  had  prevented  this  marriage, 
it  would  at  least  have  given  you  an  opportunity,  now  precluded,  of 
obtaining  another. 

This  principle  applies  to  all  false  appearances.  You  make  him 
think,  by  millinery  fixings  and  a given  array  of  drygoods,  that  he  is 
about  to  marry  a splendid  form,  whereas,  on  marriage,  he  finds  he  has 
married  only  a splendid  sham.  Now,  just  imagine  what  a fatal  cold 
this  fact  must  give  his  love  ! And  the  more,  the  more  he  esteems  or 
is  enamored  by  your  supposed  personal  (?)  charms.  Or  your  teeth  are 
false.  ' You  succeed  till  after  marriage  in  deceiving  him  with  the  idea 
that  they  are  natural.  He  then  becomes  doubly  mortified,  first  be- 
cause deceived,  secondly  because  married  to  a practical  hypocrite. 

A splendid  young  man  ill  New  Orleans,  whose  sanguine  tempera 
, ment  gave  his  large  Amativeness  possibly  too  personal  a phase,  mar 
ried,  as  he  supposed,  a beauty,  but  who  proved  to  have  a slight  per- 
sonal blemish,  no  way  injurious,  per  se.  Yet  it  so  completely  reversed 
his  love  and  disgusted  him,  as  instantly,  on  its  discovery,  to  engender 
hatred  for  the  blemish,  while  he  still  loved  many  of  her  excellences, 
which  division  among  his  faculties  was  far  worse  for  him  than  all 
hatred  * while  she,  too,  suffered  more  than  tongue  can  tell * all  of 
which  might  have  been  prevented  by  its  mere  mention. 

Or  he,  getting  gray,  dyes  hair  and  beard,  or  makes  believe  younger 
than  he  really  is,  or  richer,  or  better,  or  more  amiable,  while,  in  fact, 
more  irritable,  or  misinforms  her  in  any  other  respect,  does  he  not 
thereby  lay  a train  for  subsequent  love-explosions  fatal  to  both  ? The 
fact  is,  lies  won’t  pay.  Instead,  they  always  punish  the  liar.  And 
practical  lies  worst,  because  most  wicked.  Throughout  God’s  domains 
u honest  is  policy ,”  and  u truth  will  triumph  Nature  punishes  what- 
ever bears  any  form  of  c:  false  witness.”  And  does  not  u thou  shalt 
not  lie,”  apply  to  the  marital  even  more  imperiously  than  to  any  other 
human  relations  ? 

Or  should  either  conceal  their  ages?  Or  should  women  be  so  loth 
to  tell  their  age  ? Does  not  this  very  lothness,  by  practically  saying, 
I am  so  old  that  I am  ashamed  of  my  age,  in  reality  imply  that  the 
age  is  greater  than  it  is?  And  she  who,  by  gay  attire  and  forced 


PRESENTS  BEFORE  ENGAGEMENT. 


357 


juvenility,  tries  to  make  believe  younger  than  she  really  is,  is  un- 
masked by  Nature’s  unmistakable  proclamation  of  her  age  by  infal- 
lible age-marks  which  none  can  erase.  Or  should,  because  it  is  due 
that  it  be  known  to  whoever  knows  her.  These  practical  hypocrisies 
always  react,  and  always  ought  to.  Truth  alone  is  policy. 

Hence,  instead  of  trying  to  deceive  each  other  in  anything  whatever, 
both  should  make  a clean  breast  of  each  other’s  traits,  good,  bad,  and 
indifferent.  And  this  before  either  loves,  or  they  engage.  And  in 
order  thereto. 

“But  this  would  disclose  fatal  secrets,  whereas,  who  would  wil- 
lingly let  all  the  world  know  all  their  faults  ? The  best  would  be 
injured  thereby,  and  the  balance  ruined.” 

All  who  court  should  start  with  this  first  pre-understanding,  that 
neither,  nowhere,  and  on  no  account  whatever,  shall  divulge  any  dis- 
closures each  may  make  to  the  other  • and  those  who  do,  thereby  brand 
themselves  with  infamy,  scarcely  less  infamous  than  that  of  Cain. 
What  could  be  meaner  ? What  more  detestable,  and  utterly  contemptible 
and  wicked  ? But  we  leave  this  whole  matter  upon  the  highest  human 
sentiments  of  one  and  all,  simply  adding  that  it  is  doubtless  best  for 
the  parents,  at  least  of  the  girl,  to  tell  him  her  virtues  and  failings. 
It  is  but  due  that  all  parties  should  know  all  about  each  other  in  some 
way.  And  those  to  whom  reference  is  made  should  conscientiously 
tell  the  whole  truth. 

Analogous  to  and  forming  an  integral  part  of  this  subject,  is  court- 
ing in  every-day  clothes.  This  having  stated  times  when  both  appear 
before  each  other  arrayed  in  their  best  habiliments  of  character,  as 
well  as  attire,  is  not  adapted  to  proclaim  their  genuine  characteristics. 
After  engagement,  each  may  “ put  their  best  foot  foremost.”  Indeed, 
love  naturally  does  this.  And  hence  it  is  requisite  that  they  should 
see  each  other  as  they  really  are,  in  their  every-day  clothes,  about 
their  daily  avocations,  and  as  they  are  likely  to  appear  after  marriage ; 
each  occasionally  “ popping  in”  upon  the  other  informally,  familiarly, 
and  as  an  every-day  acquaintance,  that  each  may  see  the  other’s  habit- 
ual natural  language,  appearance,  and  actions. 

PRESENTS  BEFORE  ENGAGEMENT 

are  every  way  objectionable.  Their  object  and  tendency  is  to  awaken 
love,  whereas  no  love  is  allowable  till  after  engagement.82  They  also 
embarrass  the  decision,  for  she  who  has  received  presents  does  not  feel 
as  free  to  decline  a proffer  as  if  not  placed  under  grateful  obligations 
by  having  accepted  presents. 


358  WRONG  COURTSHIP;  ITS  FATAL  CONSEQUENCES. 


88.  DAY  VS.  NIGHT  COURTSHIP.  SUNDAY  EVENINGS. 

By  common  English  and  American  consent.  Sunday  night  seems 
consecrated  to  courtship,  when  all  the  “ fellows,77  arrayed  in  their 
handsomest  broadcloth,  and  all  the  girls  in  their  gayest  attire  and 
loveliest  smiles,  expect  their  beaux  if  they  have  one,  and  desire  to  get 
one  if  they  have  not.  And  how  many  young  men  go  to  church  day 
times  to  see  and  he  seen  by  the  girls,  and  at  night  to  “ wait  on  a girl 
home  ?77  And  go  no  girls  there  less  to  worship  than  to  see  and  be 
seen,  and  “waited  on  home?77  And  “stayed  with,77  besides? 

Not  that  we  seriously  object  to  this  Sunday-night  courting  on  account 
of  its  appropriating  “holy  time77  to  a secular  matter.  Let  the  guard- 
ians of  this  “ holy  Sabbath  day77  raise  this  objection.  But  for  those 
who  claim  such  extra  Sabbatarian  strictness,  while  they  either  court 
or  let  their  daughters  be  courted,  yet  forbid  them  to  go  out  of  doors, 
read  anything  but  Bible  or  Catechism,  or  even  “ think  their  own 
thoughts,77  seems  a little  like  “ straining  at  the  gnat,  and  swallowing 
the  camel.77 

Not  that  “ holy  time77  is  too  sacred  for  love-making,  this  most  sacred 
of  human  transactions,  but  that  night  courting  is  most  objectionable, 
and  courting  all  night  outrageous.  Everything  has  its  season,  but 
night  is  the  time  for  sleep,  a demand  too  important  for  the  young  to 
interfere  with.  That  it  injures  the  health  is  evinced  in  its  causing 
them  to  appear  the  next  day  as  if  “ badly  stayed  with.77 

But  this,  its  physiological  evil,  is  by  no  means  its  worst.  Its  per- 
version of  love  is  both  most  fatal  and  reprehensible.  Interrupted  sleep 
causes  the  false  and  abnormal  excitement  of  all  the  faculties,  the  love 
sentiment  of  course  included.  It  naturally  tends  to  put  their  love 
more  on  the  animal  base  than  daylight  courting  by  pleasant  talks, 
walks,  and  enjoying  the  beauties  of  nature  together,  the  constitutional 
effect  of  which  is  to  purify.  All  evil  deeds,  like  evil  beasts,  naturally 
seek  darkness,  and  “hate  the  light,  because  their  deeds  are  evil.77 
Then  why  thrust  courtship  into  this  category?  Why  not  bring  it  “to 
the  light,  that  its  good  deeds  may  be  made  manifest.77  Of  all  others, 
true  lovers  are  the  very  last  to  “ hide  their  light  under  a bushel.77 
Instead,  they  should  “let  their  light  shine.77  For  nothing  is  more  in- 
trinsically beautiful  than  true  love-making. 

Nor  need,  nor  should  it  be  in  private.  Instead,  as  we  express  Con- 
scientiousness, Benevolence,  Causality,  Friendship,  all  the  other  fac- 
ulties before  others,  why  not  also  true  love?  Why  make  it  a special- 
ty? Why  not  intermingle  it  with  them  all  as  their  natural  savorer  ? 
Why  not  court  at  picnic  and  party?  In  ru^al  walks,  talks,  rides,  and 


DAY  VS.  NIGHT  COURTSHIP. 


359 


expressing  before  others  that  mutual  regard  in  which  love-making  con- 
sists ? Especially  why  may  and  should  it  not  be  done  before  the  “ old 
folks  ?”  Whatever  is  not  proper  to  be  said  or  done  before  them,  should 
not  be  said  or  done  at  all.  And  this  chastens  and  purifies  its  exercise, 
besides  banishing  all  shadings  of  animal  love. 

“ But  love,  by  your  own  showing,  combines  with  Secretiveness.”30 

And  so  it  does  in  its  incipiency,  and  till  once  declared,  when  it  as- 
sumes the  opposite  phase,  and  makes  no  secret  of  freely  expressing  its 
preferences.  Only  animal  love  seeks  darkness,  which  that  darkness 
naturally  promotes.. 

And  be  a little  careful,  judicious  parent,  how  you  allow  your  sus- 
ceptible daughter  to  “ sit  up”  alone  with  a beau  all  night  if  he  likes, 
and  all  but  them  asleep  ! And  that  with  one  who  has  expressed  no 
matrimonial  intentions  either.  And  is  courting  “just  for  fun,”  for 
aught  that  appears  to  the  contrary.  Call  you  that  “ proper?”  Then 
nothing  is  “ indelicate.”  And  yet  you  require  her  to  be  even  prudish 
in  other  respects. 

Passionate  youth  should  not  be  thus  tempted.  How  can  mothers 
thus  expose  their  daughters  ? And  this  temptation  all  the  more  severe 
because,  having  watched  her  every  previous  step  and  hour  with  lynx- 
like vigilance,  they  now  expose  her  to  the  severest  temptation  possi- 
ble. If  thrown  upon  her  own  self-protecting  responsibility  at  other 
times,  she  would  be  safe  even  here.  But  to  exclude  her  from  all  con- 
tact with  the  other  sex  at  all  other  times,  yet  now  allow  even  artful 
and  depraved  men  every  possible  opportunity  both  to  tempt  and  repeat 
temptation,  is  a wicked  exposure,  to  which  she  ought  not  to  be  sub- 
jected. If  it  were  necessary  thus  to  “lead  her  into  temptation,”  it 
might  be  justifiable.  But  it  is  neither.  And  she  who  can  withstand 
this  temptation  needs  no  watching  elsewhere.  Such  mothers  proffer 
their  daughters  an  incentive  to  a life  more  Frenchified  than  virtuous. 
An  anecdote. 

A most  indulgent  mother,  wealthy,  fashionable,  and  occupying  a 
high  social  position,  took  board  for  herself,  her  beautiful  daughter  of 
eighteen,  and  her  daughter’s  lover  of  twenty,  choosing  contiguous  dor- 
mitories for  them,  and  allowing  them  the  most  perfect  intimacy,  to 
which,  as  they  were  understood  to  be  “engaged,”  none  objected.  She 
even  justified  their  familiarity,  urging  that  “courtship”  is  the  only 
genuine  love-season  of  life  ; that  marriage  is  fatal  to  love  • that,  there- 
fore, lovers  should  make  the  most  possible  out  of  this,  their  only  sunny 
gala-day  of  life,  and  that,  as  she  would  indulge  hej  in  dress,  jewelry, 
everything  else  to  please  her,  so  she  would  treat  her  to  one  good,  long, 
bright,  balmy,  luxurious  life-period  in  courtship,”  which  she  prolonged 
by  postponing  their  marriage. 


360  WRONG  COURTSHIP;  ITS  FATAL  CONSEQUENCES. 


But  her  charming  daughter  must  make  other  conquests,  and  accept 
a more  u advantageous’7  offer.  She  therefore  broke  off  this  match, 
spoiled  that  superior  young  man  whom  she  had  encouraged  to  caress 
her  daughter  till  his  whole  being  was  bound  up  in  love  for  her,  by 
inflicting  on  him  God  only  knows  how  much  misery,  and  vitiating  his 
love  by  interrupting  it45 — a wrong  she  had  no  right  to  inflict,  and 
especially  on  her  daughter’s  confiding  lover  ! Nor  could  she  have 
more  effectually  beclouded  her  daughter’s  future  ? What  if  she  did 
make  other  conquests  and  flirt  on — and  she  did  both — was  she  there- 
fore happy?  And  makes  she  a good  wife  and  mother?  Then,  a 
sweet,  innocent  girl.  But  what,  think  you,  she  is  now?  What  are 
her  ideas  of  virtue  ? Ought  she  not  to  curse  such  a maternal  educa- 
tion ? Then  let  her  example  be  a warning  to  other  mothers  not  to 
tempt  their  daughters  in  like  manner. 

And  pray  what  prevents  all  sensual  single  men  from  taking  advan- 
age  of  this  custom  to  turn  all  our  dwellings  into  houses  of  ill-repute, 
and  gradually  but  effectually  undermining  the  virtue  of  all  our  daugh- 
ters, besides  plying,  under  a guise  the  least  suspected,  but  therefore 
most  dangerous,  all  those  wily  arts  they  know  how  so  insinuatingly 
to  employ,  by  first  eliciting  her  love,  only  thereby  to  pervert  it?46 
Parents  should  tremble,  not  sleep,  in  view  of  their  daughters’  tempta- 
tion ! Or,  rather,  save  them  the  disagreeable  necessity  of  dismissing 
beaux  by  asking  them  to  call  at  a more  convenient  season.” 
u But  this  would  seriously  offend,  perhaps  break  up  the  match.” 
How  break  up  what  has  not  yet  been  formed?  He  has  asked 
neither  your  nor  her  permission  to  court  in  view  of  marriage,53  but 
may  have  come  ajust  to  have  a good  time.”  The  natural  protector- 
ate parents  are  bound  to  exercise  over  their  daughters,  protests  against 
their  allowing  her  to  be  courted,  unless  with  the  implied  and  expressed 
design  of  a matrimonial  alliance.53  They  should  stand  sentry  around 
her  love  as  well  as  virtue,  and  repel  whatever  endangers  either.  They 
should  know , not  surmise,  that  his  courtship  is  not  a frolic  on  either 
side,  but  conducted  with  serious  marital  intentions,  in  case  all  proves 
favorable.  And  protect  her  against  all  others. 

Besides,  if  his  intentions  are  honest,  his  own  common  sense  will 
show  him  that  your  request  is  proper,  and  by  awakening  his  admira- 
tion, will  promote,  not  prevent  the  match.  Nor  do  you  want  a son-in- 
law  who  could  take  offense  at  a request  so  reasonable  ; for  such  would 
be  too  easily  offended  after  marriage.  Better  for  her  that  you  drive 
off  such  u cattle”  at  the  start.  And  the  sooner  the  better,  for  they 
are  utterly  unworthy  a place  in  your  family  or  your  daughter’s  af- 
fections. 


TAKING  AND  ALLOWING  “ LIBERTIES” 


361 


89.  TAKING  AND  ALLOWING  “LIBERTIES.” 

Genuine  love  is  instinctively  Platonic,  and  constitutionally  pure. 
Indeed,  the  animal  is  in  perfect  abeyance  to  the  mental.  It  consists 
mainly  in  the  communion  of  minds  and  souls,  not  in  any  carnal  long- 
ings. To  a genuine  love  nothing  is  more  perfectly  disgusting,  and 
even  abhorrent,  than  to  drag  it  down  from  its  pure  union  of  spirits, 
only  to  put  it  on  this  animal  base.  Nor  is  any  other  one  thing 
equally  destructive  to  that  love.  Ah  ! its  animalization  is  the  fatal 
shoal  on  which  most  loves  become  hopelessly  shipwrecked,  and  all 
their  rich  cargoes  of  connubial  bliss  not  a total  loss  merely,  but  a 
loathsome  dungeon-hold — dark,  cold,  nauseating,  full  of  bilge-water 
and  vermin,  and  utterly  insufferable,  yet  from  which  there  is  no 
escape  ! 

Nor  do  girls  realize  how  many  lovers  they  lose  by  allowing  these 
liberties,  however  innocent  in  themselves.  For  reasons  to  be  expound- 
ed in  Vol.  II.,  man  is  a most  jealous  animal.  His  physical  inflamma- 
tion, likewise,  renders  him  doubly  and  most  unjustifiably  so.44  45  True, 
no  man  has  any  real  claims  on  a woman’s  exclusiveness  till  “en- 
gaged,’’ but,  reasoning  as  if  he  had,  he  says  practically  afterward, 
“ She  will  concede  to  others  also  what  she  concedes  to  me.  If  she 
will  let  me  kiss,  caress  her,  of  course  she  will  let  others,  and  though 
I will  keep  calling  just  to  keep  getting  kisses,  yet  nothing  would  tempt 
me  to  marry  a girl  so  free  and  familiar,”  whereas  she  very  likely 
barely  tolerated  what  was  repulsive  to  her  because  solicited,  and  she 
hated  to  offend  him  by  a denial.  Those  whose  Amativeness  has  be- 
come much  inflamed,  as  is  the  case  in  most  men,  thereby  become  ex- 
tremely exact  and  exacting  toward  women.  They  crave  freedoms, 
yet  despise  her  who  even  barely  tolerates  them.  And  those  are  gen- 
erally the  most  easily  offended  who  are  themselves  the  worst  (hence 
doubtless  better  for  her  that  he  becomes  jealous  thus  early) ; yet  though 
the  blame  is  mostly  theirs,  still,  until  she  is  engaged,  she  should  admit 
him  to  no  intimacies — they  belong  only  to  marriage — and  has  but  this 
one  course  to  pursue  toward  all  who  knock  at  the  door  of  her  heart — 
not  merely  a virtuous  one,  but  one  almost  prudish.  To  this  her  innate 
modesty  naturally  prompts  her.  She  ignores  these  promptings  at  the 
peril  of  hopelessly  alienating  her  lover. 

The  fact  is,  as  “ God  is  God,”  so  “ right  is  right,”  and  prospers,  while 
wrong  is  wrong,  and  curses.  Love  is  both  dual  and  sacred.42  As 
“love  is  marriage,”82  so  all  sexual  freedoms  are  still  more  marriage, 
and  utterly  unjustifiable,  except  between  those  already  engaged.  And 
only  after  a considerable  period  subsequent  to  that  engagement,  even 

16 


362  WRONG  COURTSHIP;  ITS  FATAL  CONSEQUENCES. 


then.  They  have  i-no  part  nor  lot”  whatever,  even  in  the  earlier 
stages  after  engagement. 

Nor  till  love  has  acquired  a maturity  sufficient  to  prepare  for  and 
justify  their  entering  together  upon  those  parental  relations  which 
constitute  Nature’s  only  ultimate  of  this  whole  sexual  department  of 
human  life. 

And  this  develops  the  great  vertebral  doctrine  of  these  volumes,  to 
be  doubly  re-enforced  in  Vol.  II.,  that  Nature  demands  that  love  shall 
be  kept  pure,  in  order  that  its  productions  may  be  angelic;  that  since 
its  sole  office  is  to  transmit,  it  must  be  preserved  mainly  on  this  mental 
phase,  as  Nature’s  means  of  transmitting  the  parental  mentality  to 
progeny;  that  she  punishes  every  iota  and  instance  of  its  violation 
from  first  to  last;  and  therefore  that  a girl’s  only  winning  card  is 
neither  to  participate  in.  nor  allow  any  approaches  to,  the  animal  man- 
ifestations of  love. 

Then  what  of  that  man — man  ? brute  ! — who  solicits,  and  especially 
takes  these  freedoms?  Is  virgin  innocence  to  him  only  what  beauti- 
ful bird  is  to  remorseless  vulture — merely  to  be  preyed  on?  In  all 
conscience,  girls,  infinitely  better  offend  and  drive  off  the  viper  by  de- 
nial, than  allow  him  to  coil  himself  around  your  very  heart  only  to 
cast  you  off  as  unclean  after  having  robbed  you  possibly  of  your  virtue. 

But  a virtuous  course  will  not  offend.  The  worst  of  men  can  but 
admire  it  as  they  admire  sun.  Indeed,  at  the  shrine  of  nothing  ter- 
restrial does  even  sensual  man  worship  as  devotedly  as  at  that  of 
virgin  virtue.  Nor  will  anything  as  effectually  rivet  his  love  and  pro- 
duce a matrimonial  proffer  as  the  right  manifestation  of  female  pro- 
priety. Nor  stands  even  the  lowest  sensualist  as  deeply  self-con- 
demned at  the  bar  of  his  own  conscience  as  before  virtue  declining  his 
improprieties.  If 

“ Satan  trembles  when  he  sees 
The  weakest  saint  upon  his  knees,” 

much  more  the  veriest  debauchee  before  the  gentle  reproof  of  female 
purity.  That  reproof  literally  petrifies  every  masculine,  however  pas- 
sionate, to  whom  it  is  administered,  and  both  kills  his  passion,  and  com- 
pels repentance.  And  this  natural  law”  renders  a virtuous  woman 
who  is  self-possessed,  safe  anywhere,  with  even  the  blackest-hearted 
and  most  artful  seducer.  Only  she  is  in  danger  who  dallies. 

u Vice  is  a monster  of  such  hideous  mien, 

That  to  be  hated  needs  but  to  be  seen.” 

But  seen  too  often  and  complacently,  is  too  oft  embraced. 


TAKING  AND  ALLOWING  ••  LIBERTIES.” 


363 


Yet  a woman  need  neither  take  offense  without  cause,14  nor  decline 
in  a tornado  of  wrath  or  abuse.  This  maddens  instead  of  humbling, 
and  spoils  the  stunning  effect  of  her  more  gentle  reproach.  Fierce 
wrath  is  her  least  effective  weapon,  except  when  “ violent  hands'5  are 
laid  on  her,  when  no  amount  of  combative  or  destructive  violence  can 
be  too  violent. 

And,  young  man,  though  you  have  no  respect  for  yourself  or  for 
virtue,  nevertheless,  if  you  have  even  one  faint  desire  to  gain  or  sus- 
tain the  affections  of  any  virtuous  female,  see  to  it  that  whatever  you 
feel,  you  at  least  manifest  toward  her  no  passion,  per  se.  She  whose 
virtue  is  already  dethroned  might  not  hate  you  therefore — respect  you 
even  she  could  not — but  to  manifest  animal  love  toward  any  true 
woman  whose  hand  or  heart  is  at  all  worth  having,  is  the  very  most 
disgusting  conduct  she  can  ever  witness  : will  put  you  lowest  down  in 
her  estimation,  and  the  most  effectually  enkindle  her  resentment,  and 
thereby  annul  your  prospects. 

Then  let  all  who  pretend  to  court  put  themselves  on  their  own 
highest  manly  and  womanly  deportment  toward  each  other,  and  neither 
take  nor  give  any  more  freedoms  in  the  most  private  apartment  than 
they  would  before  all  the  world,  for  what  is  wrong  “ before  folks”  is 
wrong  per  se.  and  insures  Nature’s  avenging  rod. 

But  need  we  dwell  longer  on  the  errors  of  courtship?  Either  of 
these  will  prove  fatal  to  any  love  and  marriage  unless  counteracted 
by  some  powerful  antidote.  Yet  most  who  court  perpetrate  nearly  or 
quite  all  of  them.  And  often  others.  Indeed,  they  seem  inwrought  into 
the  very  customs  and  habits  of  Anglo-Saxon  descendants.  Of  all  the 
customary  errors  of  young  America , none  are  as  fatally  destructive  as 
those  of  courtship.  Or  as  blindly  senseless.  But  that  they  are  habit- 
ual, their  every  perpetrator  would  be  “drummed  and  hooted  out  of 
town,”  or  “tarred  and  feathered.”  . Unperverted  humanity  would  not 
let  them  go  “un  whipped  of  justice.”  Nor  will  nor  does  Nature.  These 
are  some  of  the  breaches  of  her  laws  which  she  punishes  with  ter- 
rible severity  in  and  by  their  eventuating  in  unhappy  marriages.  Her 
provisions  for  connubial  bliss  are  so  ample  and  complete,  that  all 
might  and  ought  to  be  happy.  And  would  be,  but  that  they  perfectly 
outrage  them.  As  those  for  perfect  health  are  so  effective  that,  but 
for  the  utmost  and  long-continued  outrage  of  her  health-institutes,  all 
would  continue  perfectly  healthy,  so  her  love-provisions  are  so  won- 
derfully efficacious  that,  but  for  many  wide-spread  and  perpetual  vio- 
lations of  her  love-laws,  all  not  only  might  be,  but  could  not  help  being, 
inexpressibly  happy  throughout  love  and  marriage.  These  evils  are 
not  accidental,  but  caused . Are  not  due  to  “ Adam’s  fall,”  but  in  all 


864  WRONG  COURTSHIP;  ITS  FATAL  CONSEQUENCES. 


cases  to  the  wrong  love-life  of  each  individual  sufferer.  And  to  be 
atoned  for.  And  prevented  only  by  a right  courtship.  Indeed,  it  re- 
quires an  immense  amount  of  wrong-doing  to  incur  discord.  By  all 
the  potency  of  the  love-element  itself — and  what  human  sentiment  as 
potential  ?Sec* IL — is  its  instinctive  proclivity  to  a right  action.  And  the 
difficulty  of  perverting  it.  And  yet  how  few  escape  this  perversion  ! 
Evinced  in  their  being  so  few  perfectly  happy  marriages.  Nor  are 
the  happiest  anything  like  as  ecstatic  as  all  might  and  would  be,  but 
for  these  and  other  customary  love-perverting  errors  of  courtship  and 
married  life. 

But  though  we  have  already  pointed  out  enough  in  all  conscience  to 
produce  that  almost  universal  discontent  and  alienation,  almost  ani- 
mosity, so  prevalent  in  married  life,  though  either  of  these  errors  must 
spoil  every  love  affair  in  which  they  are  perpetrated,  and  though  many 
others  remain  unspecified,  yet  it  hardly  requires  to  extend  these  expo- 
sitions for  these  obvious  and  conclusive  reasons: 

First,  the  true  way  to  obviate  any  and  all  sin  or  evil,  however  great 
or  fearful,  is,  not  so  much  to  expose  its  enormity,  as  to  point  out  a 
more  excellent-  way.  And  we  have  dwelt  thus  long  on  these  evils  mainly 
because  of  the  opportunity  thereby  afforded  of  presenting  those  principles 
which  underlie  this  whole  subject  of  love,  by  thisj?er  contra  expos6  of 
the  evil  consequences  induced  by  their  violations. 

Secondly,  much  already  said,  by  way  of  showing  the  right  mode  of 
procedure,  particularly  40  43  45  48  53  54  55  68  77  78  79  80,  and  many  similar  pas- 
sages, unfold  the  true  course  most  effectually  by  exposing  the  wrong. 

In  short,  the  entire  subject-matter  of  this  whole  volume,  and  like- 
wise that  of  the  next,  is  a totality — is  but  the  trunk,  tap-root,  side 
roots,  rootlets,  branches,  foliage,  blossoms,  and  fruit  of  that  great  nat- 
ural institute,  Sexuality,  or  love,  its  laws,  and  right  exercise.  We 
therefore  pass  from  these  wounds,  distortions,  and  gangrenes  of  love  to 
that  far  more  agreeable  subject,  true  courtship  and  married  life,  or, 
what  amounts  precisely  to  the  same  thing,  for  both  are  one — true  love 
making , that  is,  how  to  elicit  and  perpetuate  a perfect  love  and  whole- 
souled  conjugal  devotion — a subject  the  most  intrinsically  important 
of  all,  because  their  very  embodiment,  and  “ altogether  lovely.” 


ITS  FIRST  CONDITION 


m 


SECTION  IX. 

COURTSHIP  PROPER : AND  THE  TRUE  MODE  OF  CONDUCTING  IT. 

90.  ITS  FIRST  condition:  an  exalted  estimate  of  each  other. 

Courtship  ! A theme  how  delightful ! One  around  which  gather 
associations  how  charming,  and  memories  the  dearest  known  to  mortals  ! 

But  instead  of  being  that  merest  pastime,  that  lover’s  bauble,  with 
which  to  while  away  a few  fancy  hours,  it  should  embrace  a great  life - 
work , and  accomplish  one  of  the  greatest  of  human  objects.  Its  great- 
ness consists  not  so  much  in  the  magnitude  of  the  labor  done  as  in 
the  momentousness  of  its  eventualities.  No  labor  of  life  is  equally 
portentous. 

Then  exactly  what  requires  to  be  done?  To  enkindle  each  other’s 
love.  To  establish  between  you  that  eternal  affiliation  which  will 
ever  constitute  you  “ twain  one  flesh.”  To  cement  each  other’s  affec- 
tions past  all  possibility  of  future  rupture.  To  become  one  in  object, 
in  doctrine,  in  feeling,  in  spirit,  in  everything. 

This  may  be  an  easy  task.  But  it  is  quite  likely  to  be  both  a tedi- 
ous and  a great  labor.  You  may  have  one  or  more  points  of  constitu- 
tional difference,  requiring  time  for  their  mutual  assimilation.  And 
many  more  dissimilarities  than  you  had  supposed  at  your  mating. 
But  be  it  hard  or  easy,  it  should  now  become  your  one  mutual  object 
and  labor.  You  are  just  staking  together  on  the  journey  of  life  ! In- 
deed, you  are  virtually  just  beginning  to  live.  And  it  makes  a world 
of  difference  whether  you  direct  your  steps  this  way  or  that.  Then  in 
what  consists  your  great  preparation,  your  first  right  step  ? 

AN  EXALTED  REGARD  FOR  EACH  OTHER. 

A hearty  and  normal  sexuality  in  each  sex  naturally  places  a most 
exalted  valuation  upon  the  other.  Till  Amativeness  has  become 
deadened  or  perverted,  men  consider  women  as  but  little  lower  than 
the  angels,  and  women  men  as  sublime  heroes,  almost  demi-gods.  A 
young  backwoodsman,  starting  out  to  obtain  an  education,  found  him- 
self. after  a long  journey,  in  the  family  of  a New  England  divine.  A 
couple  of  highly  cultivated  young  ladies,  who  arrived  the  day  after, 
wore  treated  with  marked  distinction  by  their  hosts.  He  conceived 


360 


COURTSHIP  PROPER. 


the  idea  that  they  were  so  far  above  anything  mortal,  that,  when  he 
saw  them  actually  sit  down  and  eat,  he  wondered  that  beings  so  ethereal 
could  descend  to  what  was  so  material,  yet  considered  them  angels  for 
all.  This  almost. worshipful  admiration  by  each  sex  of  the  other  is  as 
spontaneous  as  breathing.  It  swells  up  in  every  well-sexed  soul — is 
its  very  strongest  sentiment.  To  a true  masculine,  all  feminines  are 
perfect,  and  to  all  true  feminines  whatever  masculines  say  or  do  is 
most  noble  anS  grand. 

Yet  these  attributed  perfections  depend  not  at  all  on  their  real 
merit,  but  on  those  perfecting  glasses  through  which  they  are  beheld.46 
The  very  nature  and  spirit  of  normal  sexuality  is  to  see  only  good, 
which  it  magnifies  tenfold,  and  admires  in  proportion.  To  well-con- 
stituted minds  all  nature  seems  beautiful,  glorious.  But  of  all  ter- 
restrial beauties  and  glories,  woman  is  infinitely  the  more  glorious  to 
true  man,  and  man  to  true  woman.  The  true  female  considers  the 
male,  independent  of  all  his  acts,  and  by  virtue  of  his  sex  merely,  as 
pure,  true,  noble,  manly,  learned,  truthful,  worthy,  capable  of  every- 
thing good,  but  nothing  bad,  and  will  believe  nothing  wrong  unless 
compelled  to ) and  then  excuses  it.  And  the  higher  and  truer  her 
female  nature  the  more  exalted  her  estimate  of  all  masculines,  espe- 
cially those  about  her  own  age.  And  the  converse  is  true  of  young 
men  as  regards  young  women.  Look  back,  ye  who  have  past  this 
poetic  period,  and  say  whether  you  did  not  literally  idolize  the  oppo- 
site sex  till  something  occurred  to  “ open  your  eyes,”  as  you  call  it, 
but  rather  to  chill  your  heart.  You  now  think,  u What  a fool  I was  to 
esteem  them  thus  ! but  I have  learned  better.”  Worse , rather.  You 
were  then  right,  are  now  wrong.  Women  are  by  nature  all  that  men 
ever  do  or  possibly  can  estimate  them.  Even  a poetic  imagination 
can  not  overrate  them.  And  so  of  men.14 

Then  how  much  more  highly  should  those  esteem  each  other  who 
have  chosen  each  other  as  just  the  very  one  of  all  others  for  life-com- 
panionship ! As  a perfect  time-piece  should  be  the  more  highly  prized 
by  a u conductor,”  to  whom  exact  time  is  everything,  than  by  one  to 
whom  it  is  of  little  account,  so,  by  all  the  adaptation  of  each  to  the 
other’s  conjugal  wants  and  happiness,  should  each  hold  the  other  in 
the  most  exalted  regard.  What  on  earth  could  render  him  anything 
like  as  happy  as  it  is  possible  for  her  to  render  him?  Or  what  make 
her  as  happy  as  he  can  render  her  ? Duly  to  estimate  this  happiness 
each  can  confer  on  the  other,  is  impossible.  “Oh,  I would  give  the 
world  for  one  good  breath,”  said  one  recovering  from  a congestion  of 
the  lungs.  What  would  not  a shipwrecked  mariner,  perishing  with 
hunger  and  thirst,  give  for  just  one  good  draught  of  water  or  supply 


ITS  FIRST  CONDITION. 


867 


of  food?  Words  utterly  fail,  then,  to  express  the  estimate  in  which 
each  sex  should  hold  the  other,  because  words  can  not  measure  the 
happiness  it  is  possible  for  each  to  confer  on  the  other.  Each  should 
think  the  sun  actually  rises  and  sets  in  the  other — not  only  that  of  all 
the  creations  of  earth  the  other  sex  is  the  most  perfect — but  that  “of 
all  its  other  specimens  this  one  chosen  is  the  very  most  perfect,  at  least 
for  me."  The  heart  of  each  should  swell  with  gratitude  to  the  Giver 
of  all  good  that  he  has  created  one  so  perfectly  adapted  to  promote 
their  happiness.  And  this  exalted  estimate  should  and  will  grow  in 
wedlock.  Every  true  husband  thinks  his  wife  a little  the  best  wife 
that  ever  did  live,  just  as  every  true  wife  idolizes  her  husband  as  the 
very  best  of  all  the  good  men  there  are. 

Let  courtship  be  begun  and  continued  in  this  spirit  of  vrorshipful 
appreciation,  and  neither  ever  can  or  will  offend  or  be  offended  by  the 
other.  Instead,  each  will  re-enamor  the  other  more  and  more  by  every 
moment  of  their  every  interview.  That  same  law  of  love  which  begins 
by  magnifying  the  good  traits  of  the  other,  only  reincreases  itself.  Love 
looks  upon  every  little  act  as  admirable  and  most  charming,  as  per- 
fection perfected,  on  the  principle  that  love  perpetually  re-perpetuates 
and  re-increases  itself.42  And  wo  to  that  one  who  first  does  anything 
to  break  this  hallowed  spell.  “ A good  name”  is  capital  in  business, 
is  most  desirable  in  everything,  but  far  the  most  so  is  a good  matrimo- 
nial reputation  in  the  eyes  of  the  other. 

With  this  almost  worshipful  regard  for  each  other,  the  treatment  of 
each  by  the  other  will  be  just  right — without  it,  all  wrong.  As  to 
treat  others  genteelly  we  must  first  esteem  them  highly,  so  to  treat  each 
other  right,  each  must  almost  worship  the  other.  This  will  season  all 
their  sayings  and  doings,  aiid  render  them  inherently  right,  because 
their  heart’s-core  promptings  are  right — like  sweet  water  bubbling  up 
from  a sweet  fountain. 

It  therefore  becomes  desirable  that  each  should  see  the  other,  after 
engagement,  in  their  best  attire,  mental  and  physical.  The  French 
lady  will  allow  her  lover  to  see  her  only  when  attired  in  her  most 
gaudy  and  fancy  robes.  Then,  since  mental  adornments  .are  infinitely 
more  charming  than  physical,  each  should  appear  to  the  other  in  their 
most  captivating  mental  mood.  And  as  nothing  at  all  compares  with 
love,  either  in  its  beautifying  effects  or  power  to  charm  and  captivate, 
both  should  cultivate  toward  each  other  that  affection  which  is  to  each 
other  their  highest  ornament. 

91.  ASSIMILATION  AND  PREPARATION. 

* 

You  are  now  setting  out  together  on  your  life-journey,  and  here,  as 


COURTSHIP  PROPER. 


26S 


in  everything  else,  preparation  is  everything.  Nor  should  anything 
take  precedence. 

Right  first  principles  should  govern  everything,  conjugality  included. 
Else  it  becomes  fitful  and  erroneous.  As  selection  should  be  a purely 
intellectual  process, Pttrt  IL  so  this  same  rationale  must  both  put  and 
start  you  on  a right  platform,  or  base  of  action. 

Though  engaged,  and  virtually  married,  yet  you  are  comparative 
strangers.  At  least  sentimentally.  Of  course  you  should  now  begin 
to  make  love.  But  the  full  period  for  love-culture  has  not  even  yet 
fully  arrived.  To  give  yourself  up  to  nothing  but  love  just  now  is 
both  unwise,  and,  like  eating  nothing  but  honey,  endangers  premature 
cloying.  And  here  is  just  where  many  err.  Love’s  incipiency  should 
be  gradual , that  its  continuance  may  be  permanent,  for  what  springs 
up  like  Jonah’s  gourd  must  perish  like  it.  Excessive  growth  bursts. 
Greed  soon  cloys — love  included.  Indeed,  the  very  nature  of  love  re- 
quires that  its  incipiency  should  be  gradual.  It  must  be  based  in  the 
knowledge  of  each  other’s  lovable  traits.  To  ascertain  which  takes 
time.68 

But  while  this  love  is  gradually,  yet  effectually  setting  in,  and  in  aid 
thereof,  you  have  another  important  work.  You  must  lay  your  future 
foundation. 

To  compare  marriage  to  building.  Selection  is  but  choosing  and 
procuring  the  required  materials.  Your  proposed  mode  of  conducting 
your  future  life  must  be  decided  upon  some  time,  and  some  of  its  details 
drawn  out.  This  is  required  in  part  in  selection,  and  in  order  thereto 
— by  stating,  in  general  terms,  each  other’s  views,  in  order  to  ascertain 
whether  you  harmonize  sufficiently  to  venture  on  a marriage — for  the 
materials  should  be  selected  partly  with  reference  to  this  proposed  plan. 
But  it  must  now  take  on  some  tangible  form.  Each  should  therefore 
think  up  what  you  require  respecting  your  marriage  relations,  what 
you  would  wish  to  do  and  have  done,  and  thus  draw  out  quite  a defi- 
nite outline  map  of  the  different  relative  and  absolute  positions  you 
would  assume  and  bear  toward  each  other. 

Your  future  home  may  now  also  properly  come  up  for  discussion — 
whether  you  will  live  by  yourselves,  or  with  either  of  your  parents,  or 
which  : or  whether  you  will  buy,  or  build,  etc.  And  if  build,  after 
what  pattern,  at  what  expense,  etc.  And  it  is  vastly  important  that 
the  wife  have  much  to  say  touching  your  prospective  domicile;  espe- 
cially its  form,  internal  arrangement,  and  management — what  rooms, 
where,  their  furniture — ^points  respecting  which  wives  are  consulted 
quite  too  little,  but  can  not  well  advise  too  much. 

But  another  and  more  important  matter  remains  for  adjudication. 


ASSIMILATION  AND  PREPARATION. 


565 


Nature,  nations,  states;  cities,  corporate  bodies,  ecclesiastical,  finan- 
cial, etc.,  must  have  their  laws.  These  are  only  fixed  modes  of  action. 
Without  them  all  would  be  spoiled  by  Babel-like  confusion.  “ Heav- 
en’s first  law”  needs  no  praise  or  enjoinment  from  us,  but  does  require 
universal  adoption  by  all.  Yet  in  nothing  more  than  in  the  family, 
where  it  is  most  needed,  but  least  practiced.  A fundamental  domicil- 
iary fault  lies  in  ignoring  it.  The  u Friends”  are  remarkable  for 
home  method,  the  advantages  of  which  evince  themselves  throughout 
their  entire  lives.  These  home-rules  are  to  be  discussed,  and  settled. 
At  least  until  modified  by  improvements. 

More  yet.  Both  should  mutually  determine  your  general  line  of 
conduct,  positions,  and  relations  toward  each  other.  Each  should 
say,  u I should  like  to  be  treated  thus  and  so,  allowed  to  do  this  and 
that,  and  to  conduct  myself  thus  and  so  toward  you,”  and  both  come 
to  some  mutual  understanding  respecting  a thousand  minor  points 
which  had  better  be  settled  in  the  beginning,  and  on  a mutually  satis- 
factory base,  than  ignored  now,  only  to  become  bones  of  contention” 
in  the  future.  And  as  fully  and  definitely  as  possible.  Each  may 
make  your  requisitions,  concede  rights  and  privileges,  and  stipulate 
for  any  reservations,  idols,  fancies,  etc. 

But  this  will  almost  certainly  bring  up  differences.  Not  create, 
but  only  disclose  them.  Nor  can  they  be  understood  or  adjusted  too 
soon.  Come  up  they  must,  if  inherent  in  your  respective  views  of 
things.  But  far  better  if  they  are  adjusted  somehow  in  the  early 
stages  of  love.  It  matters  less  how,  if  but  to  your  mutual  satisfaction. 
Or  if  this  is  impossible,  “agree  to  disagree.”  But  at  all  events  adjust 
them,  lest  they  become  u bones”  of  future  contention.” 

But  the  spirit  in  which  they  are  settled  is  by  far  the  most  important. 
This  really  must  be  concessory.  Each  should  be  loth  and  last  to 
insist  on  having  your  own  way,  and  glad  to  concede , not  demand. 
Your  higher  human  faculties  should  rule,  and  each  be  anxious  to 
oblige  the  other  by  making  sacrifices.  And,  remember,  the  one  who 
yields  to  and  obliges  the  other  most  is  truest  to  the  love  institute,  and 
will  thereby  render  him  or  herself  happiest  and  most  beloved.  The 
great  determining  point  in  all  such  matters  should  be — how  you  can 
best  enjoy  each  other  and  your  life,  and  adjust  your  mutual  relations 
accordingly. 

And  these  results  of  your  deliberations  ought  to  be  written,  and 
filed  away  for  future  reference.  You  are  now  concluding  the  business 
part  of  your  contract,  and  one  often  to  be  referred  to.  Not  that  your 
present  decisions  shall  be  unalterable,  but  that  they  shall  be  placed 
on  paper  as  your  present  mutual  agreement.  And  such  a record  will 

16* 


370 


COURTSHIP  PROPER. 


become  the  more  important  as  time  rolls  on,  and  circumstances  change 
your  views ; for  our  own  changes  make  it  seem  to  us  as  though  others 
had  changed.46  Whereas  writing  what  is  mutually  agreed  to  will 
enable  each  to  correct  the  other. 

Connected  therewith  should  be  a mutual  diary  of  incidents,  because 
all  your  relations  have  their  future,  and  matters,  now  seemingly  trivial, 
may  then  loom  up  in  towering  proportions.  Hence  let  your  present 
be  such  as  to  render  your  future  pleasurable. 

You  should  also  see  each  other  often.  Love  should  not,  will  not,  be 
neglected.  Nor  will  it  come  in  second.  Nor  be  subordinate.  Ci First , 
or  not  at  all,”  is  its  motto.3  Hence,  if  at  all  convenient,  you  should  visit 
each  other  once  every  week  or  two.  and  as  much  oftener  as  is  mutually 
agreeable.  But  if  distance  or  obstacles  absolutely  prevent,  you  must 
at  least  correspond.  Nothing  is  as  fatal  to  love  as  neglect.  In  this 
it  is  most  exacting.  After  its  fires  have  once  been  lit,  they  must  be 
perpetually  re-supplied  with  their  natural  fuel.  Else  they  die  down 
and  go  out,  or  go  elsewhere,  and  are  harder  to  rekindle  than  to  light 
at  first.  An  anecdote — 

A splendid  young  man,  the  son  of  one  of  New  England’s  most  tal- 
ented and  pious  divines,  endowed  with  one  of  the  very  best  of  organ- 
isms, physical  and  phrenological,  having  selected  his  mate,  and  plighted 
their  mutual  vows,  being  a large  manufacturer,  immersed  in  business, 
and  obliged  to  defend  several  consecutive  lawsuits  for  patent-right 
infringements,  neglected  for  weeks  to  write  to  his  betrothed,  presup- 
posing of  course  that  all  was  right.  This  offended  her  ladyship,  and 
allowed  evil-minded  meddlers  to  sow  seeds  of  alienation  in  her  mind, 
induced  her  to  send  him  his  dismissal,  and  accept  and  consummate  a 
marriage  proposal  from  another.  As  he  told  his  bereaved  story,  he 
seemed  like  a sturdy  young  oak  rived  by  lightning  and  torn  by  whirl- 
winds, its  foliage  scorched,  its  bark  stripped,  its  limbs  tattered,  even 
its  very  rootlets  scathed,  yet  standing,  a stern,  proud,  defiant,  resolute 
wreck.  A gushing  tear  he  manfully  suppressed.  His  lips  quivered 
and  voice  faltered,  but  only  for  a moment.  Perceiving  his  impending 
fate,  he  seemed  to  dread  his  future  more  than  present,  and  hesitated 
between  self-abandonment,  and  a merely  mechanical,  objectless  busi- 
ness life.  In  attempting  his  salvation,  by  proffering  the  advice  to  the 
“ broken-hearted,”48  he  respectfully  but  firmly  declined,  deliberately 
preferring  old-bachelorship  with  all  its  dirths,40  of  which  he  seemed 
fully  conscious.  He  felt  as  if  deeply  wronged,  though  more  hurt  than 
provoked.  And  so  he  had  been.  But  was  not  he  the  first  practically 
to  repudiate  ? He  suffered  terribly,  because  he  had  sinned  grievously. 
Not  by  commission,  but  omission. 


HOW  LONG-  SHALL  COURTSHIP  CONTINUE? 


371 


The  fact  is,  love  is  paramount,8  and  must  be  so  regarded.  He  felt 
the  deepest,  fullest,  manliest  love,  and  reveled  in  anticipations  of  their 
future  union,  but  did  not  express  this  love;  which  was  to  her  as  if  he 
had  not  felt  it.  Whereas,  had  he  saved  but  one  minute  per  week  to 
write  lovingly,  u Would  I could  be  with  you,  but  I love  you  still,77  or, 
11  Business  does  not,  can  not  diminish  my  fondness,77  he  would  have 
saved  her  broken  vows,  and  his  broken  heart. 

Lovers  may  intermingle  these  interviews  or  letters  with  more  or  less 
of  fondness  as  they  please.  That  it  should  have  a place  therein  is 
undoubted,  yet  there  is  still  due  from  each  to  each  a certain  modest 
reserve  and  respectful  restraint  on  your  fullest  love  and  its  heartiest 
expressions.  You  are  not  yet  sufficiently  acquainted  to  be  perfectly 
familiar.  Like  young  corn,  your  love  is  yet  establishing  its  rootlets 
preparatory  to  future  growth,  rather  than  now  growing. 

But  this  one  thing  is  at  least  immeasurably  important — that,  whether 
you  love  little  or  much,  you  keep  your  affections  on  a pure  and  high 
base ; that  you  make  it  a sentiment , not  a passion  ;89  that  no  false  excite- 
ment, no  half-frenzy,  no  delirious  intoxication,  even  of  love,  be  en- 
couraged, for  these  violences,  like  all  other  extravagances,  must  inev- 
itably react,  and  exhaust  itself  by  its  own  excess. 

To  this  end  it  is  important  that  you  write  your  love  quite  as  much 
as  talk  it;  for  this  form  of  its  expression  naturally  and  almost  infal- 
libly puts  it  upon  its  highest  Platonic  and  classical  base,  besides  en- 
abling you  to  discuss,  in  the  very  best  form  possible,  those  questions  and 
subjects  just  propounded.60 

And  when  you  meet,  it  is  most  important  that  you  intermingle  your 
love  wdth  your  other  enjoyments — go  together  to  picnics  and  parties, 
sleigh-rides  and  Mayings,  concerts  and  lectures,  and  often  meet  under 
like  pleasant  circumstances,  and  in  your  gayest,  finest  habiliments — at 
least  of  mind  and  character.  Nor  can  either  of  you  render  yourselves 
too  lovely  in  each  other’s  company. 

92.  HOW  LONG  SHALL  COURTSHIP  CONTINUE? 

You  may  protract  or  contract  your  courting  season  to  your  liking. 
If  both  desire  an  early  marriage,  consummate  it;  or,  if  either  prefers 
its  postponement,  let  the  other  accede  thereto,  except  for  weighty 
reasons.  Circumstances  and  your  own  mutual  feelings  and  wishes 
should  control  this  matter.  Though  her  feelings  most.  Of  this  .whole 
matter  she  is  the  final  umpire,  and  her  feelings  are  on  no  account  to 
be  violated.  Nor  should  she  be  unduly  urged,  nor  hesitating. 

Still,  as  whatever  grow\s  has  its  progressive  stages,  so  has  love.  At 
your  engagement  you  simply  know  enough  of  each  other  to  venture  on 


COURTSHIP  PROPUR. 


3TJ 


a marriage;  you  have,  at  least  should  have,  no  love.88  Of  course 
your  familiarity  is  only  intellectual,  not  yet  affectional.  The  latter 
yet  remains  to  be  gradually  established.  And  requires  to  have  attain- 
ed considerable  advancement  before  you  become  sufficiently  familiar 
to  marry.  Certainly  unless  you  put  your  marital  relations,  at  least 
for  a time,  more  on  the  platform  of  acquaintances  than  companions. 
All  natural  changes  are  gradual.  Sun  never  shoots  suddenly  out  of 
profound  darkness  into  noonday  splendor,  but  lights  and  warms  up  our 
earth  gradually.  As  winter  “lingers  in  the  lap  of  spring,77  so  should 
marriage  dally  in  the  lap  of  courtship,  which  is  to  marriage  what 
adolescence  is  to  maturity,  and  indispensable  thereto.  And  as  “ early 
ripe  early  rotten,77  so  nature’s  love  should  not  be  crowded  into  a hasty 
marriage.  Besides,  personal  love  is  the  more  impatient,  whereas  the 
establishment  of  a Platonic  love  requires  a longer  time  than  is  usually 
accorded  thereto. 

Moreover,  every  natural  requisition  has  its  specific  enjoyments,  of 
which  a right  courtship  is  among  life’s  greatest.  Too  great  to  be  fore- 
stalled by  unduly  shortening  or  hastening  the  marriage.  And  to  en- 
hance the  pleasures  of  courtship  naturally  redoubles  those  of  married 
life.42  A perfectly  right  and  therefore  happy  courtship  is  doubtless 
more  promotive  of  a happy  conjugal  life  than  any  other  one  con 
dition.85  86  Then  let  all  its  associations  be  only  pleasurable. 

Yet  long  love  “delays  are  dangerous,77  and  spoil  its  zest  by  its  pro- 
traction. From  one  to  two  years  are  required  for  assiduous  courtship 
to  establish  the  needed  familiarity  and  affection  requisite  for  the 
wedding.  Of  course,  the  longer  or  shorter  according  as  they  court  the 
more  or  the  less  assiduously,  but  they  should  by  no  means  marry 
while  yet  comparative  strangers. 

And  the  younger  they  are  the  longer  they  should  court  before  they 
marry.  The  more  mature  their  love-element  at  their  engagement  the 
sooner  may  they  marry.  But  the  desires  of  the  youngest  should  de- 
termine this  matter.  Yet  two  years  is  long  enough.  True,  a tame 
“ sorter  courting  and  sorter  not,”84  may  be  prolonged  even  three  or  four 
years,  but  not  much  beyond.  The  full  maturity  of  the  youngest89 
should  determine  how  long. 

Finally,  let  each  be  guided  by  their  own  love-instincts.  Of  course 
under  the  control  of  their  higher  faculties,  and  choose  and  bide  their 
time  accordingly. 

Important  business  or  other  requisitions  might  hasten  the  time,  or 
preparations  require  delay,  yet  they  hardly  need  wait  till  all  are 
ready,  unless  other  parties,  parents  especially,  may  need  time  to  pre- 
pare. But  tho  wedding  day  finally  appointed  and  arrived,  then  comes 


THIS  WEDDING. 


873 


SECTION  X. 

MARRIED  LIFE:  ITS  QUICKSANDS,  AND  THE  TRUE  MODE  OF 

CONDUCTING  IT. 

93.  THE  WEDDING. 

Marriage  is  in  very  deed  a great  affair.  Then  shall  not  its  public 
recognizance  bear  some  proportion  to  its  inherent  greatness  and  all-po- 
tent effects  ? And  has  it  not  its  laws , and  therefore  its  per  se  right 
and  wrong  management  ? 

Besides,  since  it  transpires  but  once  in  a life-time — subsequent  mar- 
riages being  but  its  stale  repetition — by  all  means  make  the  very  most 
of  that  one.  Being  the  boldest  promontory  of  the  voyage  of  life,  and 
that  from  which  all  other  latitudes  and  longitudes  are  taken,  it  deserves 
and  should  receive  some  special  remembrances.  No  matter  how  spe- 
cial, so  that  they  are  pleasurable  and  impressive.  Mankind  always 
have  made,  should  make,  its  marital  celebrations  a great  life-epoch. 
And  each  mated  pair  should  practice  on  this  great  principle. 

££  But  I would  fain  differ  from,  not  pattern  after  others.” 

Then,  since  all  others  eat,  breathe^  etc.,  suppose  you  oddly  differ 
from  all  in  these  respects,  too.  It  is  wise  to  differ  from  others  only 
when  you  can  make  improvements.  Mere  oddity  is  but  vulgarity, 
while  ££  custom  is  law.”  Only  injurious  customs  should  be  flouted. 
Yet  they  should  be,  because  Nature’s  “higher  law”  should  take  pre- 
cedence over  custom’s  lower. 

££  But  I can  not  afford  a stylish  wedding.” 

True,  ££  poor  folks  must  be  content  with  poor  weddings,”  yet  it  need 
be  neither  stylish  or  expensive  in  order  to  be  impressive,  and  attain  its 
legitimate  ends.  Indeed,  usually  the  most  stylish  is  therefore  the 
poorest,  because  least  impressive.  Its  pride  eclipses  its  object.  It  is 
about  all  pageantry.  Its  edibles,  drinkables,  dressibles,  and  excitables 
render  it  anything  but  a public  acknowledgment  and  commemoration 
of  a true  conjugal  union.  Simplicity  is  far  more  appropriate  than 
grandeur.  But  its  great  point  should  be  very  much  in  accordance  with 
the  taste  and  feelings  of  its  lord  and  lady.60 

Its  managers  should  inquire  how  they  would  like  to  have  it  con- 
ducted, and  arrange  it  accordingly.  They  themselves  need  not,  should 


3 U 


MARRIED  L1FF. 


not,  do  it.  but  only  direct  and  enjoy  it.  Or  they  may  say  to  parents 
or  its  managers.  u Observe  this  and  that  general  line,  but  regulate  its 
details  to  your  own  liking.” 

And  it  is  very  proper  that  it  transpire  at  the  parental  domicile  of 
one  or  both,  if  such  there  be — hers  undoubtedly  the  most  proper.  Or 
else  each  in  turn.  Only  those  who  hate  their  parents  should  marry 
L:  on  the  sly,”  for  they,  too,  are  entitled  to  its  joys,  and  on  both  sides. 

And  the  old  folks”  should  enter  into  it  right  heartily,  as  if  but 
repeating  their  own,  and  regulate  and  defray  its  expenses.  Its  sub- 
jects should  have  nothing  else  to  do  but  to  enjoy  it.  And  enjoy  it  to 
their  full . Make  it  a day  and  a season  ever  to  be  remembered,  and  one 
on  which  they  can  look  back  from  every  subsequent  point  of  life,  down  to 
its  very  farthest  verge — even  from  u the  life  to  come” — with  unalloyed 
pleasure.  Not  one  discordant  note  should  mar  its  perfect  harmony. 
All  the  variances  of  all  its  participants  should  be  precluded  or  adjusted. 

Of  course  guests  are  indispensable.  The  parties  may  say  how  few 
or  many,  and  whom  if  they  like,  yet  better,  by  throwing  off  the  respon- 
sibility upon  parents  or  others,  avoid  giving  personal  offenses  to  any 
not  invited.  And  all  past  and  future  heart-burnings  of  all  its  partic- 
ipants should  be  scrupulously  avoided.  They  can  not  be  afforded. 
And  are  to  be  conciliated,  not  aggravated.  True,  those  who  hold 
grudges  against  either  should  have  u no  part  nor  lot  in”  them,  except  by 
special  permission ; and  if  invited,  should  bury  all  animosities,  at  least 
for  the  present,  and  help,  not  hinder,  its  delightful  harmony.  And 
this  is  a good  time  and  way  to  bury  old  bones,  and  restore  peace — at 
least  as  far  as  possible.  After  the  marriage  ceremony  is  over,  its  ad- 
ministrator might  appropriately  address  them  somewhat  as  follows  : 
u You  have  now  entered  together  upon  relations  as  sacred  and  momen- 
tous as  mortal  man  is  permitted  to  assume.  I trust  you  paused  and 
pondered  before  taking  this  eventful  life-step,  but  now  that  it  is  taken 
it  is  irretrievable.  Having  ‘put  your  hands  to  the  plow/  it  remains 
only  that  you  'go  forward / and  make  out  of  it  all  that  can  be  made. 
As  it  is  given  to  each  of  us  to  be  born  and  die  but  once,  and  live  but 
one  life,  so  Nature  assigns  to  us  but  1 one  love’42  and  marriage,  and  that 
eternal . And  your  life-destinies  impinge  mainly  on  your  right  or  wrong 
fulfillment  of  these  relations.  Those  of  kings  and  queens  to  their  an- 
cestors and  subjects  are  neither  more  sacred  nor  obligatory  than  those 
you  have  now  consummated.  Not  that  they  should  overwhelm,  or 
even  oppress  you,  but  only  that  you  should  duly  consider  their  mo- 
mentousness, in  order  to  their  fulfillment.  And  as  you  alone  have 
assumed  them,  and  that  voluntarily,  else  they  would  not  be  obligatory, 
so  you  alone  can  and  should  fulfill  them.  Devote  your  entire  being 


THE  WEDDING. 


375 


to  that  fulfillment.  Having  now  become  an  integral  part  of  your  very 
being,  their  fulfillment  should  be  your  paramount  life-work.  Thank 
God  that  you  are  married,  but  also  pray  him  to  enable  you  to  live  a 
perfect  conjugal  life.77 

A crowd  is  not  desirable.  Yet  a meager  few  is  worse.  As  general 
an  invitation  as  its  alloted  apartments  will  accommodate  and  expenses 
provide  for,  is  better. 

Edibles  and  drinkables  are  indispensables.  By  a law  of  mind,  ap- 
petite, like  the  liquids  in  speech,  has  a natural  confluence  with  all  the 
human  functions,  but  most  with  the  social. 

Nor  matters  it  how  good  they  are.  Yet  this  in  no  way  requires, 
rather  forbids,  their  being  extra  rich  or  expensive.  Simples  often 
relish  best.  And  a feast  of  u good  things,77  not  of  many  or  indigestible 
compounds,  constitute  a natural  marital  accompaniment. 

Yet  guests  need  not,  should  not,  therefore  be  gormandizers. 

Drinkables  naturally  accompany  edibles,  and  are  governed  by  the 
same  law.  Yet  must  all  therefore  get  “gloriously  tight.77  on  drugged 
wines  (?)  or  bad  whisky  ? What  is  more  improper  than  inebriation  at 
a wedding,  unless  it  be  at  a “ wake  ?77  If  alcoholic  stimulants  are  ever 
proper,  this  is  certainly  neither  their  time  nor  place.  Any-  other 
rather.  Must  a wedding  be  turned  into  a drunken  frolic?  Must 
guests  sit  participants,  or  they  themselves  life-long  examples  of  intoxi- 
cation, at  this  sacred  season  ? And  compel  themselves  to  look  back  on 
it  as  a drunken  spree  to  be  ashamed  of,  instead  of  something  to  be 
proud  of? 

“Then  what  shall  they  drink?77  Lemonade,  anything  liked  not  in- 
toxicating, but  on  no  account  anything  to  fever  the  hot  blood  of  its 
guests,  or  increase  its  natural  exhilaration,  already  too  over- wrought 
by  the  occasion  to  bear  the  superaddition  of  alcoholic  fuel. 

Wearables  also  naturally  belong  to  this  occasion.  These,  most  of 
all,  are  to  be  determined  by  the  parties  themselves.  They  should  cor- 
respond with  their  tastes,  and  be  in  part  the  product  of  their  own  hands 
— at  least  the  bride’s  attire.  Let  her  own  taste  be  consulted,  and  let  it 
be  worthy  of  being  consecrated  by  the  occasion,  and  kept  as  a memento 
throughout  her  future  life.  No  matter  how  ornamental,  so  that  it  can 
be  afforded.  Yet  it  need  not  therefore  be  extra  gaudy  or  fashionable. 
Indeed,  as  fashion  changes,  while  this  attire  should  be  treasured  up  to 
be  worn  only  on  special  occasions,  this  fashionableness  is  therefore 
objectionable.  Her  entire  wardrobe  should  be  adapted  to  set  off  her 
personal  and  mental  charms  to  the  very  best  advantage,  for  they  can 
never  be  more  appropriately  manifested  than  on  this  great  life- 
occasion. 


376 


MARRIED  LIFE. 


The  “ Bride ” at  all  marriages  is  the  great  observed  of  all  observers. 
Her  dress,  actions,  sayings,  etc.,  are  criticised  with  the  utmost  partic- 
ularity, and  should  be  but  the  expression  of  feminine  simplicity  and 
conjugal  affection. 

Yet,  of  all  her  beauty  and  female  loveliness  and  grace,  her  confiding 
manner  and  tender  look  toward  her  lover-husband  constitutes  her 
chief  attraction.  As  far  as  she  feels  and  manifests  this,  all  is  beauti- 
ful and  appropriate.  But  this  wanting,  all  is  wanting — a lifeless  body 
and  a soulless  sham.  Brides,  am  I not  pointing  out  your  richest  orna- 
ment, your  most  glistening  jewel  ?Scc- IL 

Behold  that  loving,  lovely  bride  ! Angels  might  admire  as  they  be- 
hold ! Assuming  the  place,  duties,  and  responsibilities  of  a wife  ! Till 
now  cared  for,  but  from  now,  caring.  Before  helpless  and  helped, 
now  a helpmeet.  Forsaking  parents,  friends,  all  girlish  associations, 
and  launching  out  on  the  untried  but  eventful  realities  of  her  being. 
A pew  life-motive  enthroned  at  the  heart’s-core  of  her  soul.  Her  all, 
her  very  life  itself,  embarked  ! If  happy  in  him,  all  else  complete , 
but  if  miserable  there,  all  lost ! Many,  their  own  weddings  having 
proved  so  fatal,  always  weep  at  marriages  ; yet  all  should  rejoice,  be- 
cause if  conducted  at  all  aright,  nothing  else  is  as  joyous  as  marriage. 
At  least  she  has  the  good  wishes  of  all  friends  ! Would  that  she 
also  had  the  knowledge  of  what  is  requisite  to  render  those  wishes 
prophetic  ! 

94.  SONS  AND  DAUGHTERS-IN-LAW. 

This  is  also  the  appropriate  time  and  place  for  the  parents-in-law 
on  both  sides  to  embrace  their  newly  acquired  children  in  the  open 
arms  of  their  fully  expressed  and  genuine  parental  affection.  Those 
who  entertain  dislikes  and  animosities  should  now  bury  them  as  far 
as  possible,  and  smother  the  remainder  * for  to  express  them  will  only 
make  matters  worse  for  all  concerned,  and  aggravate  both  the  faults 
on  the  one  side,  and  dislikes  on  the  other.  And  this  is  a most  auspi- 
cious period  for  interring  all  hard  feeling,  and  making  up  all  around. 

Nor  should  they  allow  themselves  to  feel  provoked  at  the  loss  of 
one  child,  but,  instead,  should  rejoice  in  having  gained  another  • and 
both  for  their  own  and  their  children’s  sakes  should  receive  the  newly 
acquired  son  or  daughter-in-law  right  home  to  their  hearts  in  the 
spirit  of  genuine  parental  affection.  They  may  talk,  though  had  much 
better  write  to  them  somewhat  after  this  fashion. 

Dear  Children — Your  marriage  renders  you  both  equally  our  own 
dear  children,  and  this  parental  epistle  has  for  its  object  to  express 


SONS  AND  DAUGHTERS-IN-LAW. 


877 


and  record  this  filial  relationship.  We  shall  cherish  toward  you  both 
the  same  spirit,  and  pursue  the  same  line  of  conduct,  as  if  both  of  you 
were  verily  u bone  of  our  bone,  and  flesh  of  our  flesh.’7  We  desire  to 
call  you  son  and  daughter,  and  beg  that  you  call  us  father  and  mother, 
and  cherish  toward  us  the  same  sentiments  as  if  you  really  were  so. 
Make  our  house  your  home,  and  gather  around  our  table  and  fireside 
as  freely  as  around  your  own.  And  remember  that  by  accepting  this 
affectional  proffer  you  confer  on  us  especial  favor.  We  hereby  open 
our  arms,  our  stores,  our  hearts  to  welcome  you  both  to  all  the  sacred 
rights  and  privileges  of  children.  Remain  with  us  and  make  your- 
selves one  of  us  till  you  feel  obliged  to  leave  us,  and  always  consider 
us  in  spirit,  as  we  now  are  both  in  law  and  fact, 

Your  Own  Fond  Parents. 

Letters  of  surrender  and  acceptation  of  the  bride  are  now  appropri- 
ate from  her  parents  to  him,  couched  somewhat  is  this  spirit : 

Dear  Son — Your  having  now  married  our  daughter  enables  us 
to  address  you  by  this  endearing  appellation,  which  also  expresses  the 
sentiment  of  our  own  hearts.  You  love  our  daughter.  We  also  love 
that  same  daughter.  Then  let  the  love  we  all  bear  to  this  sacred  object 
be  a talisman  of  eternal  affiliation  between  us.  Let  only  the  mutual 
feelings  and  conduct  of  the  true  parents  and  son  ever  obtain  between 
us.  If  at  any  time  you  think  we  wrong  you,  tell  us  frankly,  and  we  will 
do  the  same  by  you,  in  order  that  we  may  quench  all  ground  of  hard 
feelings  on  both  sides  in  the  bud,  adjust  all  differences  in  the  start, 
and  live  together  as  parents  and  son  ever  should  live.  And  as  it  will 
give  us  pleasure  to  aid  you  by  both  counsels  and  efforts  in  attaining 
your  various  life  ends,  do  not  be  afraid  to  ask  either. 

And  now,  dear  son,  we  cheerfully  surrender  our  beloved  daughter 
into  your  loving  arms.  That  life  her  parents  originated  and  have  thus 
far  reared  and  cherished,  they  now  resign  to  you.  To  us  she  is  pre- 
cious. We  do  not  claim  that  she  is  perfect,  but  we  do  ask  that  you 
scan  her  excellences  more  scrutinizingly  than  her  faults.  Having  vol- 
untarily selected  her  of  all  others  to  become  your  wife,  and  now  mar- 
ried her,  please,  for  her  sake,  for  your  own  sake,  make  of  her  what- 
ever she  is  capable  of  becoming  by  obviating  her  faults,  by  cherishing 
her  virtues,  and  by  completing  that  education  of  her  we  have  thus  far 
conducted.  And  remember  that  all  this  is  to  be  done  through  her 
affections  mainly.  Be  to  her  not  merely  a protector  and  supporter,  but 
a fond  and  devoted  husband, 

And  you,  dear  daughter,  as  you  have  chosen  your  husband  for  your 


$78 


MARRIED  LIFE. 


life-partner,  see  to  it  that  you  consecrate  to  him  your  entire  life,  and 
make  him  a true  wife — exalted  attainment — the  very  best,  you  are 
capable  of  becoming,  and  render  yourself  every  way  worthy  of  him. 

And  let  both  hold  this  law  of  marriage  in  perpetual  remem- 
brance,??  that  love,  and  nothing  but  love,  is  alike  the  privilege  and 
duty  of  each  to  the  other,  as  well  as  the  only  instrumentality  and 
heart’s  core  of  all  your  mutual  relations.  Have  this,  and  you  have 
u all  else  superadded  thereto but  lack  this,  and  everything  else  is 
deducted  therefrom.  .We  will  not  pronounce  a wo  upon  the  one 
who  may  first  do  or  say  anything  contrary  to  the  spirit  of  perfect 
affection,  but  we  do  beg  that  neither  will  ever  wound  the  feelings  of 
the  other,  or  allow  your  own  to  be  wounded — that  both  will  u avoid 
the  very  appearance”  of  discord.  Our  parental  blessing  goes  forth 
with  you,  and  rests  on  you  forever. 

That  a merciful  God  may  bless  you  both  in  each  other,  and  in  all 
your  terrestrial  and  family  relations,  throughout  this  life  and  that  to 
come,  is  the  fervent  prayer  of  Your  Doting  Parents. 

Another  letter  is  also  appropriate  from  him  to  her  parents,  prompted 
by  the  spirit  expressed  in  the  following  : 

My  dearly  beloved  Parents — You  call  me  your  Li  son,”  and  permit, 
and  even  request  me,  to  call  you  u father”  and  u mother.”  I do  both. 
And  with  the  greatest  pleasure,  and  all  my  heart.  And  will  do  my 
very  utmost  to  fulfill  all  the  relations  of  a veritable  son.  And  if  I 
ever  infringe  on  these  sacred  filial  relations,  only  tell  me  wherein, 
and  I will  gladly  return  to  my  filial  allegiance. 

As  to  your  daughter,  now  my  wife,  whatever  I can  do  to  promote 
her  creature  comforts,  her  mental  improvement,  and  her  affectional 
happiness,  it  will  be  my  highest  happiness  to  do.  All  I am  and  can 
become  are  hers.  I shall  live  only  in  and  for  her,  and  in  eternal  love 
and  gratitude  to  those  parents  who  have  provided  me  with  so  choice 
an  idol  of  my  love.  Your  Dutiful  and  Affectionate  Son. 

Another  set  of  letters  are  now  proper  between  the  heads  of  the  two 
families  thus  united  by  the  marriage  of  their  children,  of  which  the 
following  is  an  appropriate  example  : 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  A.  B.  to  Mr.  and  Mrs.  C.  D.  : 

Dear  Sir  and  Madame — The  marriage  of  our  children  places  us, 
heretofore  related  only  by  the  ties  of  our  common  humanity,  upon  the 
higher  platform  of  mutual  family  relationship.  Heretofore,  we  have 


SONS  AND  DAUGHTERS-IN-LAW. 


379 


owed  to  each  other  only  the  common  duties  and  sentiments  due  from 
and  to  human  beings  per  se.  This  marriage,  however,  now  imposes 
upon  us  additional  ties  and  duties — t.hose  of  relatives.  And  we  write 
this  to  proffer  that  right  hand  of  fellowship,  and  even  of  friendship, 
which  this  family  relationship  now  confers  upon  us.  Henceforth,  let 
us  be  mutual  friends.  And  we  hereby  proffer  not  merely  all  the 
rights  of  humanity  and  neighborly  hospitality — and  our  latch-string 
is  always  out — but  also  o£  a genuine  friendly  affection.  As  far  as 
concerns  any  unkindly  feelings  or  expressions  on  our  part,  this  mar- 
riage constitutes  their  execution  and  interment.  Let  their  ashes  never 
be  exhumed.  Nor  will  we  ever  knowingly  give  cause  for  any  hard- 
ness. Instead,  we  will  endeavor  to  render  ourselves  every  way 
•worthy  of  that  mutual  affection  now  due  between  us  both,  cherishing 
it  on  our  side,  and  doing  nothing  intentionally  to  awaken  any  other 
than  the  kindliest  feelings  between  us.  Let  us  frequently  interchange 
visits,  establish  and  keep  up  a mutual  good  understanding,  and  if, 
unfortunately,  differences  should  ever  arise,  make  their  frank  avowal 
and  speedy  adjustment  a primal  object,  as  well  as  cherish  those 
social  and  genuine  feelings  which  our  new  relationship  and  our  own 
mutual  happiness  require. 

We  are  also  delighted  to  be  enabled  to  add,  that  our  united  family 
joins  us  in  this  expression  of  friendly  sentiment  and  promissory 
endeavors.  Hoping  this  new  relationship  will  prove  more  and  more 
agreeable  to  both  parties  as  time  rolls  on,  w*e  remain,  in  the  bonds  of 
true  friendship  as  well  as  relationship,  ever  yours. 

To  this  family  olive  branch  of  peace  the  following,  or  something 
like  it,  would  also  be  appropriate  : 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  C.  D.  to  Mr.  and  Mrs.  A.  B.: 

Dear  Friends  and  Relatives — To  every  single  sentence  and  word 
of  your  well-timed  and  exceedingly  grateful  tender  of  family  friend- 
ships, we,  and  every  member  of  our  family,  respond  in  a right  hearty 
amen}1  And  we  will  put  forth  our  very  best  endeavors  to  at  least 
11  meet  you  half  way,”  and  more,  if  possible,  in  both  the  culture  and 
manifestation  of  true  hospitality  and  genuine  friendship.  Whatever 
we  can  do,  individually  or  collectively,  to  prevent  any  misunderstand- 
ing, or  in  case  it  occurs,  to  remedy  it  at  once,  we  wTill  do.  And  if  any 
of  us  should  err — ” for  to  err  is  human” — be  kind  enough  frankly  to 
say  wherein,  and  we  not  only  will  not  trespass  farther  on  your  rights 
or  feelings,  but  do  what  we  can  to  promote  your  interests,  as  well  as 
to  cherish  that  i:  entente  cordial”  which  you  so  generously  express. 


) 


MARRIED  LIFE 


m 


We  open  both  our  doors  and  hearts  to  receive  you  and  yours,  and  enter 
the  lists  of  friendly  strife  with  you  to  see  who  shall  be  truest  and  first 
in  the  exercise  of  those  family  hospitalities  and  feelings,  of  which  the 
marriage  of  our  children  is  the  center,  and  we  now  the  corresponding 
members. 

In  the  bonds  of  a true  family  relationship  we  are,  and,  I trust,  ever 
shall  remain,  truly  yours. 

Let  a well-mated  couple  start  out  in  married  life  under  family  aus- 
pices like  these,  and  they  could  hardly  wrangle  if  they  tried.  Conjugal 
dissensions  not  unfrequently  commence  with  relatives.  Some  rela- 
tions, perhaps  of  hers,  have  opposed  their  union,  or  said  some  hard 
things  against  him.  This  arouses  his  Combativeness.  She  naturally 
sympathizes  with,  at  least  tries  to  palliate,  this  wrong.  This  initiates 
a difference  between  them.  Doubtless  the  first  offense  was  trivial, 
and  magnified  before  it  reached  his  ears.  Quite  likely  his  indignation 
greatly  exaggerated  the  offense.  Very  likely,  too,  she  indulged  more 
in  their  defense  than  was  required.  But  be  the  occasion  however 
insignificant,  nevertheless  discord  is  now  begun,  and  the  crevasse,  once 
open,  enlarges,  till  out  rushes  the  waters  of  love,  only  to  drown  the 
happiness  of  both,  besides  creating  a loathsome  pestilence,  which 
poisons,  maddens,  and  tortures  both  throughout  their  lives.  Whereas, 
had  their  families  been  mutually  concordant,  no  occasion  for  this  dis- 
ruption of  their  affections  would  have  occurred.  Or,  occurring,  it 
would  have  been  “ made  up”  by  the  friendly  offices  of  their  friendly 
relatives,  instead  of  aggravated  by  their  unfriendly  interposition.  Is 
it  not  the  sacred,  solemn  duty,  as  well  as  glorious  privilege  of  all  the 
relations  and  friends  of  both  parties  to  cultivate  Adhesiveness  and 
Benevolence,  as  well  as  all  the  higher  virtues  of  relationship  toward 
the  relatives  on  the  other  side  ? How  many  conjugal  discords  origi- 
nate in  the  petty  animosities  of  outsiders  ? Especially  should  the 
parents  on  both  sides  constitute  themselves  u a committee  of  the  whole 
on  the  state  of  the  union”  to  discover  any  discord  on  either  side  in  its 
very  incipiency,  and  become  a daysman  between  their  married  chil- 
dren, to  cherish  instead  of  interrupting  their  love. 

95.  THE  FIRST  YEAR  AFTER  MARRIAGE. 

This  is  undoubtedly  by  far  the  molt  eventful  of  all  the  marital 
epochs.  Since  a right  beginning  of  courtship  is  thus  important,81 
that  of  married  life  is  infinitely  the  mor:>  so.  Whatever  is  begun 
wrong  waxes  worse  : right,  better.  Most  married  parties  start  out 
with  the  very  best  intentions  possible,  the  husband  full  of  devotion, 


THE  FIRST  YEAR  AFTER  MARRIAGE. 


881 


intending  to  do  everything  that  lies  in  his  power  to  promote  her  affec- 
tions, while  her  whole  soul  is  devoted  to  him  and  their  mutual  matri- 
monial interests.  Nor  does  she  intentionally  do  or  omit  one  single 
thing  calculated  to  mar  their  affections.  Yet  before  they  have  gone 
far,  both  find  they  have  alienated  each  other.  Their  intentions  were 
the  best  possible,  yet  their  treatment  of  each  other  was  directly  calcu- 
lated to  produce  the  very  results  they  so  deprecate.  And  by  the  very 
want  of  this  knowledge  of  their  duties,  or  else  by  those  wrong  exam- 
ples set  them  by  others.  Often  their  very  anxiety  not  to  give  offense 
causes  offense,  while  a few  simple  conditions  observed  would  have 
precluded  all  discord,  and  secured  perfect  concord. 

The  usual  custom  is  to  start  directly  from  the  marriage  altar  on  a 
“ wedding  tour.7’  This  may  do  for  those  who  desire  and  can  afford 
it,  but  why  start  just  then  ? The  reversed  phase  of  Approbativeness 
gives  the  main  answer,  but  one  altogether  unworthy.  These  trips  are 
too  hurried  to  be  enjoyed,  or  to  allow  them  to  enjoy  each  other’s  soci- 
ety. After  they  have  become  better  acquainted,  and  partially  worn 
off  the  novelty  of  visiting  each  other’s  relatives,  such  a trip  may  do. 
Yet  can  not  a few  days  of  home  quiet  be  made  to  do  better  ? Which 
will  yield  the  most  pure  love-enjoyment?  is  their  practical  question. 
What  with  the  jostlings  and  vexations,  the  expenses  and  privations, 
the  fatigues  and  irregularities  inseparable  from  traveling,  at  least  to 
those  unaccustomed  to  it,  the  utility  of  such  a trip  is  at  least  doubtful. 
Yet  suit  yourselves. 

But  whatever  your  surroundings,  this  is  the  one  main  pre-requisite 
— that  you  give  yourselves  up  wholly  to  each  other , and  to  love.  Till  now 
you  have  been  making  love  at  arm’s  length,  but  now  both  should 
make  it  in  each  other’s  arms.  Not  till  now  has  the  full  tide  of  perfect 
love  fairly  set  in.  See  that  you  take  it  at  its  ebb,  and  waft  yourself 
on  its  bosom  to  conjugal  felicity.  As  your  wedding  should  be  ever 
memorable,  so  should  your  honeymoon  be  consecrated  to  love,  and 
nothing  but  love. 

Yet  why  restrict  this  love-feast  to  the  u honey  moon  ?”  Why  not 
make  it  a honey-annum  instead  ? Why  cut  it  short  ? 

Love  is  just  now  your  business — and  the  most  important  business 
of  your  whole  life ; therefore,  shape  business  to  love — not  love  to 
business.  That  was  a good  olden-times  custom  which  excused  the 
husband  from  war,  public  duties,  etc.,  for  a full  year  after  marriage, 
and  required  him  to  u stay  at  home”  and  il  comfort  his  wife.”  Would 
it  were  still  customary.  After  your  affections  are  once  fairly  estab- 
lished, they  will  grow  imperceptibly  without  special  nurture,  yet  they 
require  to  be  fairly  and  well  planted  first.  And  this  is  no  small  mat- 


382 


MARRIED  LIFE. 


ter — is,  in  fact,  the  greatest  labor  of  life.  And  how  infinitely  import- 
ant that  it  should  be  well  done  ? Yet  this  requires  time.  No  great 
work  ever  can  be  consummated  in  haste.  And  the  greater  the  work, 
the  more  prolonged  its  incipiency.  Please  think  how  great  the  life- 
labor  upon  which  you  are  just  entering  ! Then  how  infinitely  important 
that  it  be  done,  not  somewhere  near  right,  but  just  right ! Slight  any- 
thing else,  but  gi  ve  this  its  full  time.  Take  ample  time  to  make  this 
work  thorough.  If  it  were  a trifling  matter  or  momentary  affair,  you 
might  slight  its  beginning,  but  since  it  is  a life-long  and  infinitely 
potential  matter,  give  it  corresponding  time  and  attention.  More — 
give  it  your  own  selves.  Surrender  yourselves  up  wholly  to  it.  It 
must  have  your  whole  souls.  It  must  imbue  your  whole  being.  Then 
give  your  whole  being  to  it. 

Especially,  young  husband,  duly  consider  your  doting,  clinging, 
dependent  wife  ! She  has  just  forsaken  father  and  mother,  home  and 
friends,  for  you.  She  has  torn  herself  away  from  all  her  girlish  asso- 
ciations, and  thrown  her  whole  being  into  your  open  arms.  More, 
she  is  pouring  out  her  whole  heart  into  yours.  Then  should  you  not 
take  the  time,  at  least,  to  receive  it  ? Now  her  uxor,  be  uxorious. 
Take  full  time  to  hear  her  tale  of  love,  and  add  thereto  your  own. 
Give  her  ample  time  to  nestle  close  unto  your  very  heart,  and  inter- 
twine all  her  heart-strings  with  your  own.  And  as  forsaking  parents 
and  friends  has  softened,  perhaps  melted  her  soul,  let  this  cause  it  to 
fuse  in  a more  perfect  amalgam  into  your  own.  Be  not  so  cruel  as  to 
shake  her  off  just  now  for  business,  lor  anything,  but  let  her  have  at 
least  one  year  of  love. 

“But  how  shall  we  spend  this  whole  honey  year?” 

In  one  long  lovers’  holiday.  And  you  will  find  plenty  of  ways  to 
“kill  time,”  and  enjoy  the  year  together.  Nothing  deepens  and  per- 
petuates love  as  effectually  as  intermingling  it  with  any  and  all  our 
other  enjoyments.29  Take  many  and  long  lovers’  walks  together — and 
you  can  walk  twice  as  long  and  far  in  love  as  out  of  it8 — ascending 
together  this  eminence  to-day  to  enjoy  this  scene,  and  walking  to- 
morrow in4  loving  cadence  to  waft  your  love- whisperings  on  aurora’s 
gentle  zephyrs,  while  you  tread  together  nature’s  flower-spangled  car- 
pet of  green.  Next  day  pick  berries,  and  eat  fondly  together — and 
lovers  can  both  pick  and  eat  quantities  with  impunity18 — or  visit  the 
fruit-orchard,  feasting  on  its  dainty  peaches,  golden  pears,  or  delicious 
grapes.  Next  day  intermingle  riding  with  walking,  picking  bouquets, 
and  pressing  choice  flowers  as  mementoes  of  this  or  that  delightful 
ramble.  Meanwhile,  take  along  your  “ Botany,”  “ Geology,”  or 
“ Phrenology,”  and  study  as  well  as  admire  nature  together.  She  is 


THE  FIRST  YEAR  AFTER  MARRIAGE. 


383 


the  great  cementer  of  hearts,46  and  to  study  her  facts,  laws,  and  won- 
drous workings  unites  the  affections  far  more  effectually  than  merely 
to  enjoy  without  this  study.  Above  all,  read  together,  and  comment 
as  you  read,  this  volume,  and  practice  what  you  read,  for  Phrenology 
is  the  great  matrimonial  teacher. 

Take  alniir.  your  hammer  to  help  you  study  mineralogy  and  the 
earth's  formation,  and  learn  in  her  rocks  and  strata  the  history  of  her 
birth,  formation,  progress,  and  age,  and  read  her  future  from  her 
present,  besides  learning  from  each  and  all  these  natural  handiworks 
the  divine  attributes  of  their  Author,  only  that  you  may  worship  Him 
together,  and  thank  Him  for  each  other. 

Then  walk  abroad  together  as  departing  day  throws  his  mellow 
twilight  over  mountain  top  and  valley  deep.  Commune  with  nature 
in  vesper’s  departing  twilight,  till  yon  “ queen  of  night'’’  rises  to  throw 
her  soft  silvery  shades  over  your  enchanted  pathway,  and  re-deepen 
your  love  for  each  other  by  leading  you  “ through  nature  up  to  nature’s 
God.”  Or  gaze  on  heaven’s  star-spangled  arch  in  solemn  awe,  while 
you  adore  the  majesty  and  power,  infinite  and  eternal,  of  Him  who 
gave  them  being  ! 

Another  work  also  awaits.  Your  future  life  must  have  its  plans, 
else  all  will  be  confusion.  And  these  plannings  must  be  mutual — the 
joint  production  of  both — in  order  that  both  may  aid  each  other  in 
their  execution.  You  are  to  stick  your  stakes,  draw  your  lines,  lay 
down  your  rules,  and  say  definitely  both  just  what  you  propose  to  do, 
and  how  to  do  it.  As  there  are  many  different  kinds  of  fruits,  and 
each  kind,  as  the  apple,  has  every  diversity  of  different  flavors,  so  you 
have  now  to  decide,  as  it  were,  on  the  complexion  and  flavor  you  would 
impart  to  your  marriage.  Or,  as  if  in  preparing  a meal — suppose  your 
wedding — you  could  say,  “We  will  have  this  dainty,  and  not  that — 
can  flavor  this  this  way,  and  that  that,”  so  you  should  now  lay  out 
and  lay  off  your  future  course,  touching  business — what  each  shall 
become  and  do,  both  absolutely,  and  as  regards  each  other.  Nor  need 
you  exclude  imagination  from  your  counsels.  She  may  properly  soar 
on  her  Pegasian  wings,  and  build  her  fairy  castles,  yet  subject  to  rea- 
son and  circumstances. 

To  detail.  What  a difference  between  different  married  pairs  ! 
How  differently  they  treat  each  other!  How  opposite  their  mode  of 
doing  the  same  things  ! One  pair  falls  into  this  mutual  habit,  another 
into  that.  Some  habitually  eat,  retire,  rise  together,  others  at  different 
times.  In  some  the  man  waits  on,  in  others  requires  to  be  waited  on, 
etc.  You  therefore  require  to  settle  whether  wife  shall  cook  or  wash, 
)r  hire  them  done;  which  shall  get  the  wood  and  water,  or  whether 


381 


MARRIED  LIFE. 


both,  or  a servant;  whether  you  shall  live  more,  or  less,  on  vegetables 
and  meats,  or  fruits  and  cereals ; furnish  house  and  live  this  way,  or 
that;  open  each  other’s  letters,  or  each  their  own;  or  whether  you 
shall  establish  a partial  or  a complete  copartnership;  whether  go  to 
this  church  or  that,  or,  if  you  have  different  religious  tastes,  which 
shall  go  whh  the  other;  whether  wife  shall  go  to  parties,  and  husband 
to  counting- :*oom  or  club,  or  whether  both  shall  go  or  stay  together, 
and  a thousand  like  arrangements,  are  to  be  settled  to  your  mutual 
satisfaction.  Or,  in  case  you  disagree,  you  are  to  decide  on  the  condi- 
tions of  that  disagreement.  And  the  more  completely  even  all  these 
little  matters  are  arranged  in  the  beginning,  the  better  for  both  parties 
ever  afterward. 

96.  WEDDING  ANNIVERSARIES,  AND  BIRTH-DAY  PRESENTS. 

Annual  commemorations  of  all  important  events — political  and 
religious,  public  and  private — are  both  natural,  and  promotive  of  the 
events  commemorated.  Then  how  appropriate  in  itself,  and  promotive 
of  their  mutual  affection,  the  annual  celebration  of  their  marriage  ! 
What  better  way  to  “ keep  it  in  perpetual  remembrance  forever  ?”  If 
at  all  congenial,  no  other  event  of  their  entire  lives  will  equally  de- 
serve this  commemoration,  which  will  but  prepare  the  vray  for  the 
“ silver”  and  “golden”  weddings  in  which  old  friends,  relatives,  and 
descendants  should  participate — a custom  prompted  by  their  matrimo- 
nial spirit,  of  which  it  is  promotive. 

These  annual  weddings  may  be  either  inter  nos.  or,  like  the  wed- 
ding, have  their  guests,  eatables,  etc.,  as  will  best  redouble  their  hap- 
piness. 

Mutual  presents  also  constitute  a most  pleasing  memento  of  these 
anniversaries.  It  matters  little  what:  so  that  they  are  proffered  and 
accepted  as  expressions  and  witnesses  of  their  mutual  affections. 
They  may  be  costly  or  cheap,  as  they  can  afford,  or  most  valuable 
intrinsically,  yet  “lack  the  one  thing  needful” — love;  or  they  may 
cost  but  a farthing,  or  be  wrought  by  the  donor’s  own  fond  hand — all 
material  is,  that  they  express  love,  and  consist  in  something  imperish- 
able, in  order  that  they  may  be  treasured  up  for  all  time  to  come,  and 
accumulate  as  time  rolls  on. 

They  may  also  celebrate  each  other’s  birth-days  in  like  manner, 
and  add  other  like  presents  at  each  if  they  please.  All  help  cherish 
love. 

And  the  parents  may  appropriately  write  them,  at  least  at  their  first 
anniversary,  a letter  of  congratulation  and  advice,  prompted  by  a spirit 
manifested  in  the  following: 


WEDDING  ANNIVERSARIES,  AND  BIRTH-DAY  PRESENTS.  385 


Very  dear  Children — In  pursuing  the  journey  of  life,  we  naturally 
ascend  various  promontories,  from  which  we  can  both  review  the  past 
and  survey  the  future.  Such  a matrimonial  eminence  you  to-day 
ascended,  in  this  the  first  anniversary  of  your  marriage.  Let  it  be 
improved  to  read  in  its  past,  lessons  for  promoting  its  future.  Con- 
cerning all  your  feelings  and  conduct  toward  each  other  during  this 
your  first  year,  ask  yourselves,  individually,  “How  far  have  I lived 
up  to  nature’s  conjugal  requirements,  and  the  dictates  of  unalloyed 
love  ? Have  I lived  clear  up  to  the  true  spirit  of  a perfect  husband 
or  wife?  If  I could  but  re-live  it,  wherein  could  I improve  it?” 
And  let  these  answers  prompt  and  guide  your  coming  years.  Have 
all  your  sayings  and  doings  been  calculated  to  cement  that  sacred  sen- 
timent of  unmingled  love  in  which  alone  all  conjugal  union  consists? 
Have  you  ever,  or  never,  said  or  done  any  one  thing  calculated  to 
wound  each  other’s  feelings  ? This  being  loved  devotedly  is  indeed 
most  glorious.  Only  gray  hairs  can  appreciate  how  glorious.  Then 
bear  in  mind  that  all  the  sayings  and  doings  of  each  day  and  hou^ 
like  numerous  and  various  business  items,  go  to  make  up  the  final 
summary  of  your  love.  It  is  not  enough  not  completely  to  break  the 
silken  cords  of  love.  They  should  by  no  means  ever  be  strained,  for 
they  are  too  sacred  even  to  allow  the  testing  of  their  strength.  Not 
to  accuse  either,  but  only  to  start  your  own  inquiries  as  to  wherein 
and  how  far  you  may  have  erred,  in  order  to  prompt  the  resolution  to 
“ sin  no  more.”  As  far  as  you  have  lived  perfect  conjugal  lives,  you 
have  your  own  personal  reward  in  the  ether’s  love,  but  wherein  and 
as  far  as  you  have  failed,  you  have  brought  its  penalty  upon  your  own 
soul.  And  it  is  indeed  severe  and  certain. 

And  you,  our  very  dear  daughter,  please  answer,  in  the  deep  recesses 
of  your  own  consciousness,  these  home  questions.  Have  you  thus  far 
been  to  your  husband  a perfect  wife  ? On  your  husband’s  love  hangs 
all  your  happiness.  And  on  your  treatment  of  him  hangs  his  love. 
It  is  not  enough  that  you  do  not  alienate  him.  If  ascending  a preci- 
pice, below  which  Niagara’s  angry  current  chafed  to  engulf  you. 
would  you  be  willing  to  stumble,  even  though  you  knew  your  loved 
one  stood  ready  to  save  you  ? Ask  yourself  whether,  if  he  had  treated 
you  exactly  as  you  had  treated  him,  you  would  not  have  been  aggra- 
vated, possibly  offended  ? Or  suppose  he  had  comported  himself  the 
same  to  you  as  you  have  to  him,  and  both  had  gone  on  in  the  same 
way,  would  not  your  present  and  future  love  and  happiness  have  been 
marred  thereby  ? 

Above  all,  it  is  not  meet  that  a wife  trifle  with  the  affections  of  her 
husband,  because  she  is  more  dependent  on  his  love  than  he  on  hers. 

17 


386 


MARRIED  LIFE. 


Besides,  as  woman  is  the  terrestrial  angel,  embodiment,  and  example 
of  love,  is  it  not  more  for  yon  not  only  not  to  alienate,  hut,  instead,  to 
cherish  his  love  than  he  yours,  and  to  set  a perfect  example  of  a per- 
fect love-life  ? And  for  you  to  depart  therefrom  is  more  fatal  to  your 
well-being  than  for  him.  Gn  what  beauty  does  sun  shine  as  beautiful 
as  on  a perfect  female  love-life  ? How  endearing  to  him  ? How 
happy  to  you  ? 

I know,  indeed,  a sin  repented  of  and  forsaken  may  be  made  to 
improve  the  sinner,86  If,  and  as  far  as  you  have  lived  a perfect  con- 
jugal life,  you  have  your  reward  in  his  redoubled  affection. 

In  order  to  aid  this  self-examination,  and  give  it  a practical  turn, 
please  answer  these  questions  away  down  deep  in  the  inner  recesses 
of  your  own  soul. 

First,  u Wherein  and  how  far  have  all  my  feelings,  actions,  looks,- 
sayings,  and  conduct  been  prompted  by  pure,  simple,  unalloyed  conju- 
gal love,  and  nothing  but  love } or,  per  contra , how  far  have  I allowed 
any  conflicting  sentiments  to  overrule  and  mar  a perfect  love 
u Perfect./’  because  a linsey-woolsey  love,  a blow-hot-and-blow-cold- 
love,  a love  partly  of  gold,  silver,  brass,  iron,  clay,  and  dirt,  all  inter- 
mingled, a love  marred  by  hard  feelings  and  discord,  though  better 
than  none,  utterly  fails  to  yield  that  happiness  or  attain  the  ends 
secured  by  a perfect  love.  Let  others  create  and  be  satisfied  with  this 
mongrel  love,  hut  let  it  be  yours  to  awaken  naught  hut  reciprocal 
affection  in  that  sacred  bosom  on  which  you  are  to  lean  through  life- 
forever.  And  request  him  to  tell  you  frankly  times  and  places,  whats 
and  whys — and  loye  never  forgets — you  may  have  inadvertently 
stung  his  feelings,  or  wounded  his  love,  and  guard  against  like  offenses 
in  the  future. 

Secondly,  u What  can  I,  shall  I do  in  the  future?  By  what  out- 
line 'principles  be  governed?”  By  the  re  consecration  of  your  entire 
being — all  that  you  are  and  can  become — to  him  and  his  interests.  By 
becoming  his  true  co-worker  and  helpmeet  in  everything.  By  saying, 
doing  every  single  thing  in  the  name  of  unalloyed  affection.  By  ex- 
terminating every  unhappy  feeling  from  your  soul,  as  you  would  poi- 
sonous weeds  from  among  your  choicest  flowers  and  fruits.  By 
becoming  and  making  him  just  as  happy  as  it  lies  in  your  power  to 
do.  By  perpetually  re-perfecting  yourself,  that  he  may  find,  day 
after  day,  some  new  and  fresh  evidence  of  progress,  and  incentive  to 
love. 

And  remember,  it  is  the  perpetual  prayer  of  your  doting  parents, 
that  you  may  be  enabled  to  live  your  second  marriage  year  far  better 
than  the  first,  and  re-improve  with  every  new  year  of  this  life,  that 


RE-INCREASING  LOVE  BY  ITS  RE-DECLARATION. 


387 


you  may  but  fit  yourself  for  a still  truer  and  happier  conjugality 
hereafter. 

97.  RE-INCREASING  LOVE  BY  ITS  RE-DECLARATION. 

Expression  is  a first  law  of  Nature.  Her  heat,  cold,  facts,  laws— 
all  her  operations  declare  themselves.  Love,  too,  is  declarative;  it 
does,  must  express  itself.  To  suppress  its  outgoing  is  to  stifle  its  up- 
rising. Like  pent-up  powder  ignited,  it  must  burst  its  prison,  or  die. 

Words  constitute  one  of  its  greatest  and  most  natural  expressions. 
One  can  hardly  love  long  without  telling  that  love,  and  continuing  to 
re-tell  it  to  the  loved  one,  as  also  craving  its  reciprocity.  This  re- 
telling re-increases,  because  it  re-delights.  Is  like  adding  new  fuel  to 
old  flames.42  Is  like  the  verb  in  language,  and  is  due  from  each  to 
each,  and  their  first  mutual  duty.  And  how  simple  a means  of  its 
perpetual  re-increase  ! Whereas,  ceasing  to  re-declare  it  perpetually 
is  like  that  fire  non-supplied  with  fuel,  which,  therefore,  goes  down 
and  goes  out — is  signing  its  own  death-warrant. 

Nor  should  anything  be  allowed  to  prevent  its  recuperation.  Its 
first  full,  verbal  declaration,  by  word  or  pen,  gives  a world  of  pleasure, 
and  thereby  enkindles  it  in  the  other.72  Then  why  not  every  re-decla- 
ration by  word,  look,  and  deed  re-increase  it  ? It  does,  must.  And  as 
this  love  is  the  great  paramount  condition  of  conjugality  and  all  its 
pleasures  and  benefits,6  of  course  its  perpetuity  should  be  equally 
paramount.  Its  first  declaration  is  by  no  means  enough,  nor  at  all  to 
be  so  understood  afterward. 

And  herein  consists  the  greatest  error  of  both  lovers  and  the  mar- 
ried. Each  has  declared  their  love,  yet  stowed  away  that  declaration 
as  a sacred  archive  of  the  past,  rarely  ever  afterward  to  be  repeated. 
Is  not  this  mutual  coyness  a mutual  wrong?  Each  loves,  and  pre- 
supposes the  other  knows  it,  while  the  other  is  perpetually  re-doubting 
its  existence  because  of  its  non-expression.  If  she  really  did  love 
me  she  would  say  so,55  is  his  suppressed  feeling.  u He  used  to  kiss  me 
when  he  loved  me,  but  as  he  kisses  no  more,  therefore  he  loves  no 
more,55  is  her  practical  conclusion. 

Moreover,  since  its  first  declaration,  many  hard  feelings,  perhaps 
open  “spats,5566  have  transpired,  and  have  been  mutually  overlooked. 
Yet  as  neither  has  expressed  much  love  since,  both  take  it  for  granted 
that  the  other  has  ceased  to  love,  and  this  chills  the  love  of  each,  till 
both  settle  back  into  an  appearance  of  indifference.  They  took  lovers5 
walks  once,  but  take  no  more.  Then  they  were  talkative,  but  are 
now  demure.  They  part  and  meet  several  times  a day,  go  out,  come 
in,  retire,  and  rise,  without  one  loving  word,  and  though  kind  enough, 


388 


MARRIED  LIFE. 


friendly  enough,  and  all  that,  yet  as  far  as  concerns  any  expression  of 
love,  both  are  as  perfectly  indifferent  to  each  other  as  if  unsexed  • not 
one  love-smile  or  love-tone,  any  more  than  if  one  were  fish,  the  other 
fowl.  What  each  desires  of  the  other  is  asked  for,  done  for,  freely 
enough,  but  with  not  one  expression  of  tenderness.  They  can  and  do 
talk  freely  enough  on  all  other  subjects,  but  never  one  word  about 
their  love.  They  eat  together,  work  together,  go  to  church  together, 
and  are  often  together,  hut  if  either  should  impress  a genuine  hearty 
love-kiss  upon  the  other’s  cheek,  the  kissed  one  would  be  as  perfectly 
amazed  as  if  a clap  of  thunder  had  startled  them  on  a cloudless  day, 
and  the  kisser  be  astonished  most.  And  yet,  mirabile  dictu , both, 
away  down  at  the  core  of  their  hearts,  really  do  love  each  other. 
But  like  buried  fire,  no  “ sparks,”  no  heat,  come  to  the  surface.  And 
thus  their  love  smolders  on,  and  often  smolders  outV 

Yet  how  many  such  there  are!  But  why  thus?  Because  both 
have  neglected  to  supply  the  other’s  love  with  its  indispensable  fuel. 
Both  have  burned  out  their  first  love,  buried  its  fires  under  its  own 
ashes,  and  just  live  along,  neither  hot  nor  cold,  neither  dead  nor 
falive,  but  buried  in  the  ashes  of  its  own  suspended  animation. 

“ Then  what  shall  we  do?” 

Rekindle  first  love  by  re-adding  the  fuel  of  its  perpetual  expression 
to  that  which  first  gave  it  being.  Nor  need  it  take  long  to  rekindle  it 
to  more  than  its  first  glowing  brightness,  simply  by  its  re-expression. 
As  you  once  did,  do  so  again-— that  is,  re-make  love. 

“But  who  shall  begin?” 

Either,  both,  but  at  least  one . “If  you  don’t,  I will.”  And  the 
affectionate  kiss  is  both  its  beginning  and  continuance.  It  is  at  once 
the  most  natural  and  expressive  declaration  of  love.  Try  this  experi- 
ment. As  you  go  out,  come  in,  retire,  rise,  or  approach  each  other, 
just  kiss  each  other.  Father  and  daughter  often  do  this.  And  to 
those  in  a hearty  state  of  love  it  is  as  natural  as  breathing. 

And  as  proper.  Is  it  proper  for  husband  and  wife  to  love  ? If  not, 
then  pray  what  is  proper?  And  how  manifestly  improper  to  live 
together  without  loving  ? 

But  is  it  thus  proper  to  love,  and  not  quite  as  proper  to  manifest 
that  love?  And  the  height  of  impropriety  not  to?  Is  it  not  quite  as 
proper  for  each  sex  to  hold  the  other  in  exalted  estimation  as  to  reason, 
or  worship,  or  talk?  And  how  manifestly  proper  for  every  man  and 
woman  who  have  selected  each  other  as  objects  of  mutual  and  per- 
petual affection  to  express  that  affection  as  perpetually  as  to  breathe, 
or  think  ? Why  not  its  non-expression  quite  as  improper  as  to  stifle 
the  expression  of  Benevolence  or  Ideality  ? 


RE-INCREASING  LOVE  BY  ITS  RE-DECLARATION. 


389 


Besides,  for  what  was  man  created  a masculine  but  to  love  woman, 
and  woman  a feminine  but  to  love  man?  His  entire  masculinity  cen- 
ters in  loving  her,  and  her  femininity  in  loving  him.  And  the  more 
they  love,  the  more  they  re-sex  themselves,  or  improve  their  mascu- 
line and  feminine  constitutions.5  6 

Then,  by  all  that  is  appropriate  and  inherent  in  love,  is  expressing 
that  love  both  proper  and  beautiful.  Nothing  more  so.  And  the 
more  proper,  the  more  hearty.  Nor  is  anything  as  hearty  as  the  kiss. 
No  propriety  is  more  proper,  no  ornament  more  becoming,  no  virtue 
more  virtuous.  And  the  more  impressive  and  expressive,  the  more 
proper. 

u But  if  my  husband  should  kiss  me,  Fd  box  his  ears,  and  spit  in 
his  face  besides,57  say  many  mechanical  wives.  u There,  do  have  done 
with  that  disgusting  hugging  and  kissing,  you  love-sick  simpleton,  or 
do  be  content  with  one  kiss,77  say  others. 

u Husband  ?77  Wife  ?’7  only  things , rather.  For  such  are  neuter 
genders.6  47  Their  sexuality  toward  each  other  dead,  except  possibly 
lingering  in  its  personal  form.  Hence  their  indifference. 

But  its  revival  can  he  effected  by  its  re-cultivation,  and  this  by  its 
re-expression.  An  easy  way  to  effect  a great  mutual  good.  The  only 
trouble  lies  in  u breaking  the  ice .77  Come  now,  just  begin , by  each 
proffering  and  reciprocating  a cordial  kiss — not  as  if  afraid  or  ashamed, 
but  u with  an  appetite”  There  now.  See  that  smile  lighting  up  her 
countenance,  even  already  ! Then  try  again,  and  keep  trying,  and 
add  thereto  other  expressions  of  your  affections  • and  as  he  naturally 
leads  off  in  love-making  before  marriage,  obviously  she  should  take 
the  lead  afterward,  because  the  natural  angel  of  the  affections. 

And  wTatch  every  opportunity  to  tell  each  other  how  much  each 
thinks  of  the  other,  and  for  what,  because  this  encourages  its  re- adding 
to  and  re-becoming.  Alwrays  praise  each  other,  but  never  blame.21 
Nothing  as  effectually  re-kindles  love  as  praise,  or  hate  as  censure. 

Besides,  is  not  praise  due  from  each  to  each,  if  earned  by  good 
actions,  as  much  as  that  dollar  for  that  hard  day7s  work  ? Why  not 
Approbativencss  entitled  to  its  pay  for  well-doing,  as  much  as  Acquis- 
itiveness to  its?  And  why  not  to  letting  it  go  to  protest  as  palpable  a 
wrong  as  to  neglect  to  pay  pecuniary  dues  ? Your  wife  has  done  her 
best  to  get  you  a good  dinner.  Then  is  she  not  as  much,  as  justly 
entitled  to  her  pay  in  praise,  as  that  grocer  in  dollars  for  flour? 
Bestow  it,  and  you  will  be  surprised  to  find  how  very  much  she  sets 
by  it.  It  will  render  her  so  happy,  unless  her  love  is  already  chilled 
out  by  neglect,  that  she  can  hardly  contain  herself.  Really  foolishly 
so.  But  why  not  Approbativeness  as  much  delighted  by  its  pay  as 


390 


MARRIED  LIFE. 


Acquisitiveness  by  its  ? And  how  easy  to  pay  such  dues  ? Yet  how 
rarely  done  by  either ! 

But  how  awfully  cutting,  even  maddening,  when,  after  she  has  done 
her  best,  he  not  only  says  nothing  in  praise,  but,  instead,  blames  ? u I 
tried  my  best  to  please  him  in  everything  for  one  full  year  after  mar- 
riage - but  my  meat  was  over-salted  yesterday,  but  is  raw  to-day; 
this  is  wrong  here,  and  that  bad  there.  I tried  the  harder,  only  to  fare 
the  worse.  I fretted  over  it,  cried  over  it  till  my  eyes  were  swollen, 
and  it  seemed  as  if  my  heart  would  break.  I saw  I must  either  break 
down  under  it,  and  give  up  to  die,  or  else  fight  it  off.  I chose  the  lat- 
ter.* I steeled  my  heart  against  him  and  his  eternal  fault-finding,  and 
scolded  back.  And  a wretched  life  we  have  lived.  Required  again 
to  choose  between  this  course  and  death,  I am  not  certain  I should  not 
say,  Let  me  die,j;  said  a superb  wife  two  years  after  marriage. 

Is  this  picture  ? Is  it  not  diurnal  fact  ? 

Nor  all  on  her  side,  either.  How  many  men  are  henpecked,  who 
deserve  only  praise  and  love  ? But  we  anticipate.  We  only  repeat, 
pay  all  conjugal  debts  of  praise,  as  much  as  other  debts  by  dollars. 
And  make  each,  as  they  really  are,  equally  matters  of  conscientious- 
ness. As  you  u praise  God??  for  good  received  from  Him,  so  praise 
wife  or  husband  for  what  good  you  receive  from  them.  And  this  is 
the  best  means  of  obtaining  more.14 

98.  CHERISHING  EACH  OTHER’S  LOVE  A MORAL  DUTY. 

Man  owes  duties — parental  to  children,  filial  to  parents,  benevolent 
to  the  distressed,  pecuniary  to  debtors,  and  moral  to  his  God.  Yet  of 
all  these  human  duties,  what  as  obligatory  as  those  due  between  those 
who  have  voluntarily  assumed  toward  each  other  the  conjugal  rela- 
tions ? When  you  have  entered  into  a bounden  engagement  to  pay  at 
a given  time  for  goods  delivered,  does  not  every  natural  human  senti- 
ment; equally  with  the  laws  of  the  land,  require  you  to  make  the 
stipulated  payment  promptly  ? 

Then,  when  a woman  has  given  her  affections,  her  whole  being,  to 
a man,  under  his  solemn  promises,  both  implied  and  expressed  in  secret 
and  in  public,  that  he  will  repay  her  in  and  by  bestowing  his  own  on 
her,  does  not  every  human  obligation  conspire  to  demand  your  fulfill- 
ment of  your  vows  to  “ love  and  cherish  her  till  parted  by  death  ?77 
What  human  duties  as  strong,  as  lasting?  Is  your  obligation  to  pay 
your  bank-note  a tithe  as  binding?  Or  does  a monetary  process  dis- 


* Right.  Self-preservation  is  the  first  law  of  nature.  Anything  better  than  giving  up 
to  die. 


CHERISHING  EACH  OTHER’S  LOVE  A MORAL  DUTY.  391 


grace  you  a tithe  as  much  as  a woman’s  love  protest?  True,  your 
creditor  requires  his  pay  much,  but  does  not  your  wife  need  her  heart 
pay  most  ? True,  he  would  be  discommoded,  perhaps  rendered  a pecu- 
niary bankrupt,  by  your  non-payment : but  will  not  your  non-payment 
to  her  render  hers  a love-bankrupt  for  life  ? He  might  recover — she 
never.  And  your  love  renders  her  a thousand-fold  happier,  and  is 
more  necessary,  and  that  to  her  whole  future  life,Sec*H*  than  your  dol- 
lars are,  or  can  be  to  him.  Her  love-element  is  her  all.  This  per- 
ished, all  perishes.  Or,  if  she  barely  survives,  her  life  is  only 
automatic.  What  infinite  damage  your  non-payment  of  this  heart- 
obligation  does  her  1 

Besides,  both  the  laws  of  the  land,  the  customs  of  society,  and 
especially  the  very  nature  of  love,44  prevents  her  getting  any  adequate 
supply  of  this  love-sentiment,  except  from  you.  Her  love  is  as  much 
a part  of  her  soul-being  as  her  heart  of  her  bodily  structure.*8  And 
this  want  is  as  imperious*9  She  could  have  loved  A,  B,  or  C,  but 
neglected  each  and  all  to  consecrate  her  love-element,  and  therewith 
her  entire  being,  to  you  alone.  And  did  not  you,  also,  consecrate 
yours  to  her  ? Your  compact  to  her  was  the  most  sacred  human  being 
can  make  to  human,  because  that  of  male  to  female,  and  in  matters 
as  paramount  as  love.8  Your  obligation  to  a woman  is  stronger  than 
to  a man.  Then  how  much  stronger  your  affectsonal?  By  all  the 
sacredness  of  love,  is  that  of  its  fulfillment,  and  the  crime  of  its  viola- 
tion. 

You  have  vowed  to  supply  her  with  food,  and  placed  her  in  circum- 
stances -which  preclude  her  obtaining  it  from  any  other  source.  You  then 
shut  and  lock  her  up,  and  keep  the  keys,  yet  allow  her  barely  enough 
to  prevent  downright  starvation.  Day  after  day  you  deny  her  food, 
yet  you  compel  her  to  starve  on  slowly  but  surely — starve  to  death  ! 
All  her  other  faculties  and  hopes  also  perish  with  this.Sec*n*  Horrid 
monster,  thus  to  starve  out  an  agonizing  wife  to  a lingering  death  ! 
But  is  it  not  as  great  a crime  to  starve  her  affections  as  her  appetite  ? 
True,  man  oftenest  becomes  absorbed  in  business,  woman  in  dress  and 
display  : or,  perhaps,  gives  as  much  of  her  time  and  soul  to  children 
as  he  to  business,  and  as  little  to  him  as  he  of  his  to  her.  Yet  two 
wrongs  never  make  a right.  Instead,  both  coming  together,  as  here, 
they  aggravate  each  other.  The  more  remiss  either,  the  more  assidu- 
ous the  other  should  become.  To  return  neglect  for  neglect  is  to 
return  L:  evil  for  evil.”  The  golden  rule  is  better — to  return  i:  good 
for  evil,7'  or  love  for  neglect.  Few  but  can  thereby  be  thawed  out  and 
mellowed  down  in  this  crucible  of  affection.  At  least,  woman  should 
do  her  very  best  to  retain  those  loving  ways  and  manners  by  which 


392 


MARRIED  LIFE, 


she  first  drew  forth  his  love*  And  the  one  loved  least  should  try 
hardest. 

Yet  often  the  other  party  fails  duly  to  appreciate  the  excellences  of 
the  loving  one.  The  paralytic  state  of  the  affections  in  one  or  both 
often  leaves  them  oblivious  to  many  conjugal  excellences  which  ought 
to  awaken  both  the  gratitude  and  love  of  the  other.  They  are  like 
one  whose  paralyzed  stomach  fails  to  appreciate  the  dainties  set  before 
them,  whereas,  is  it  not  the  duty  of  each  to  appreciate  and  love  what  is 
lovable  in  the  other  ? And  the  one  who  fails  duly  to  appreciate,  soon 
declines  in  the  manifestations  of  these  lovely  qualities.14 

The  plain  fact  is,  probably  no  human  faculty  is  as  dormant,  suffers 
as  much  from  paralysis,  is  as  imperfectly  developed,  or  as  often  and 
as  effectually  retroverted,  as  this  love-element. 

“But  these  hissings  and  coquettings,  these  fondlings,  and  all  this 
love-making,  though  they  may  do  well  enough  for  young  love-cracked 
lads  and  lassies,  or  those  in  their  honeymoon,  are  utterly  beneath  the 
staid  dignity  of  married  life,  besides  being  intrinsically  improper  and 
sickening  outside  of  the  boudoir.75 

Our  answer  is  final.  First,  if  woman  wants  to  be  made  love  to,  it  is 
man’s  place  to  make  it,  and  if  she  wants  to  be  caressed,  he  should  help, 
not  hinder.  She  is  the  natural  umpire  of  love  and  all  its  properties, 
because  the  most  loving.  Then  should  not  man  pattern  after  her,  and 
follow  suit?  Then  show  me  the  well  and  normally-sexed  woman 
who  does  not  love  to  be  made  love  to,  and  caressed  by  him  who  has 
her  heart,  and  “that  before  folks,77  provided  custom  did  not  frown 
thereon.  You  can  not  do  it,  for  there  are  none  such.  Only  “neuter77 
genders  ever  do  or  can.  Woman,  speak  out  on  this  point.  Tell  all 
the  world  in  general,  and  your  own  husband  in  special,  just  how  you 
desire  them  to  comport  themselves  toward  you. 

Secondly,  and  conclusively,  it  is  right  and  proper  that  the  high- 
est state  of  pure  love  should  both  exist , and  perpetually  re-increase 
between  the  married.  They  should  love  each  other  just  as  young 
lovers  do,  only  as  much  more  so,  as  they  are  older.42  Then,  whatever 
it  is  proper  to  feel , is  it  not  equally  proper  to  express?  and  express 
when  and  as  we  feel  ? And  therefore  to  manifest  in  all  the  tender  “ bil- 
lings and  cooings77  of  pure  and  perfect  love  u before  folks,77  whatever 
love  it  is  proper  to  feel  before  them. 

But  the  trouble  lies  here.  Love  becomes  carnalized  soon  after  mar- 
riage, and  therefore , from  mere  shame  of  its  deformity,  shuns  the  public 
gaze.  But  the  purer  and  stronger  it  is,  the  more  gushingly  and  frankly 
does  it  express  itself,  “ in  season  and  out  of  season,  at  home  and 
abroad,  alone  and  before  all  beholders,77  because  inherently  conscious 


BUSINESS  VS.  LOVE. 


398 


of  its  innocence  and  appropriateness.46  And  if  husbands  and  wives 
should  manifest  much  more  of  these  loving  courtesies  before  others, 
they  would  both  inexpressibly  enhance  its  Platonic  form  and  diminish 
its  more  objectional  manifestation.  That  is,  its  habitual  manifestation 
in  this  Platonic  phase  would  forestall  and  prevent  its  more  passional 
and  excessive,  and  relieve  its  personal  and  animal,  form.  Woman, 
what  say  you  to  this  proposed  change  ? Husbands  and  wives,  be  per- 
suaded to  make  the  re-cherishing  of  each  other’s  affections  your  very 
first  life-business.  And  let  your  past  remissness  only  render  you  the 
more  assiduous  hereafter.  And  you  certainly  ought  to  know  by  this 
time,  discerning  as  you  are,  how  to  re-awaken  each  other’s  deadened 
affections.  Think  over  just  how  you  would  proceed  if,  to-day,  un- 
married, and  anxiously  waiting  to  find  a conjugal  mate,  you  had  found 
one  exactly  to  your  liking,  and  calling  into  requisition  all  your  facul- 
ties, and  setting  yourself  at  work  in  your  very  handsomest  style  to 
gain  his  or  her  heart  and  hand,  and  then  practice  accordingly  in 
respect  to  each  other.  Begin  by  talking  over  with  each  other  the 
desirableness  of  the  change,  and  best  mode  of  effecting  it.  Put  it  on 
an  intellectual  base.  Read  over  this  section  together,  and  both  vie 
with  each  other  in  getting  up  a new  love  affair  between  yourselves, 
and  each  make  yourselves  as  lovely  to  the  other  as  possible.  Take 
lovers’  walks,  as  of  yore.  Talk  together,  ride  together,  be  happy 
together,  and  treat  each  other  just  as  you  used  to  in  your  young  love, 
and  as  you  now  see  young  lovers  comport  themselves  together.  But 
for  specific  directions  see  the  three  love  rules  presently  to  be 
given.104 10 10?* 

99.  BUSINESS  VS.  LOVE. 

i:  But  while  I know  I need  the  recreation,  and  would  gladly  enjoy  my 
honeymoon,  and  take  time  to  cherish  my  wife’s  affections  by  love’s 
walks,  etc.,  yet  how  can  I ? My  family  need  every  dollar  I can 
make.  My  business,  too,  is  started,  and  requires  me  at  its  helm.  I 
am  so  pressed  with  business  that  my  time  is  too  precious  to  be  wasted 
on  these  love  trifles.  I must  make  and  pay  debts,  roll  up  wealth,  fur- 
nish my  family  the  means  of  living  in  style,  answer  correspondence, 
watch  clerks,  outgoes,  incomes,  etc.,  and  do  lots  of  business  besides. 
I really  can  not  spare  the  time  to  take  lovers’  walks,  escort  xvife  and 
daughters,  and  cherish  their  affections.” 

Then,  in  all  conscience,  at  least,  unlock  her  closed  soul.  Get  a 
divorce.  Let  her  relieve  herself  from  affectional  starvation.  Yet 
this,  though  even  a lesser  wrong,  would  be  monstrous.  What  right 
have  you  to  inflict  on  her  all  this  private  laceration  of  her  feelings,  as 


394 


MARRIED  LIFE. 


well  as  public  odium  consequent  thereon  ? And  that  after  you  have 
well-nigh  cut  off  all  her  other  opportunities  for  finding  this  love-sus- 
tenance elsewhere  ? If  you  neglected  her  sick  body,  you  would  abhor 
yourself,  and  be  abhorred  by  all  who  knew  it  ; but  now,  that  you 
neglect  and  derange  only  her  mind,  you  are,  forsooth,  honored  as  a 
pattern  of  industry  and  probity  ! And  she  pines  on  and  dies  out, 
unaware  what  her  real  trouble  is,  or  who  caused  it.  She  thinks,  poor 
confiding  victim,  she  has  disorder  of  the  stomach,  or  liver,  or  nerves, 
■whereas  you  are  slowly  killing  her  off  by  disordering  her  heart.  Lock 
her  up  and  deny  her  food,  which  is  to  body  what  love  is  to  mind,  and 
you  have  the  enormity  of  your  cruelty  and  robbery,  only  in  the  phys- 
ical, instead  of  the  mental  form.  Better  away  with  business,  dismiss 
clerks,  and  let  your  speculations  go  to  the  dogs,  than  thus  torture  and 
kill  that  precious  wife,  for  what  are  they  all  in  comparison  with  her  ? 

Or  is  this  the  way  to  secure  even  your  own  happiness,  or  that  of 
your  family?  Ask  her  how  many  dollars  will  make  good  this  death 
of  her  affections  ? Ask  yourself  how  much  in  business,  how  many 
dollars  will  make  good,  even  to  yourself,  the  disappointed  or  re- 
versed state  of  her  love  ?45  46  47  That  is,  how  much  happier  would  you 
be  in  your  wealth  without  her  love,  or  in  her  love  with  less  wealth  ? 

More,  you  are  a double  loser.  You  are  losing  both  her  love  and 
your  dollars.  I make  this  declaration — fling  it  into  the  teeth  of  the 
world — put  it  before  the  largest  human  experience — that  he  who  duly 
loves  a woman  in  purity,  can  do  far  more  work , drive  better  bargains, 
wear  more  and  longer,  be  keener  in  business,  and  every  way  a better 
business  man,  as  wrell  as  more  successful  in  amassing  wealth,  in  and 
by  loving  a wife  and  nurturing  her  affections,  than  if  he  neglects  her. 

And  on  this  principle,  among  others,  that  the  human  faculties  must 
be  diverted  to  be  efficient — for  a bow  always  bent  loses  its  strength — 
that  perpetual  plodding  is  fatal  to  vigorous  action;  that  what  is  made 
up  in  time  is  lost  ten  times  over  in  snap  and  spirit ; that  human 
nature  must  have  amusements,  and  that  the  domestic  affections  consti- 
tute its  very  best  form — that  their  hearty  exercise  marvelously  pro- 
motes that  of  the  intellectual.  This  principle  is  proved  elsewhere, 
but  suffice  it  here  to  sum  it  up  thus:  Let  A and  B start  married  life 
and  business  together,  and  every  way  equal — in  capital,  in  talents,  in 
everything — except  that  A shall  heartily  love  his, wife,  and  spend  two 
hours  every  day  in  nurturing  her  and  his  conjugal  affections — riling, 
walking,  frolicking,  visiting,  going  to  concerts,  the  lecture-room,  and 
the  like — anywhere  they  please,  to  keep  up  a genuine  conjugal  love. 
A will  in  ten  years  be  far  in  advance  of  B in  dollar s,  in  credit,  in 
health,  in  mental  soundness  and  clearness  of  judgment,  in  each  and 


BUSINESS  VS.  LOVE. 


395 


all  the  attributes  of  physical,  mental,  and  moral  advancement,  and 
have  a tenfold  better  and  happier  wife,  besides,  than  B,  and  all  this  in 
addition  to  all  the  direct  aid  derived  from  talking  over  proposed  plans 
with  her,~acting  on  her  suggestions — for  u two  heads  are  always  better 
than  one,”  especially  when  both  are  in  love — and  being  aided  in  a 
thousand  nameless  ways  by  her  silent  but  efficient  co-operation.  And 
this  perpetually  re-increases  with  time.  Even  as  a pecuniary  invest- 
ment, it  has  no  equal. 

But  how  infinitely  better  A’s  wife,  as  such,  than  B’s  ! However 
splendid  a woman  may  be  by  nature,  when  her  affections  die  or  stray, 
she  is  of  little  account,  at  least  to  him  as  his  wife.  Would  to  God 
husbands  could  realize  the  longitude  of  this  problem— how  worthless 
she  becomes  without  affection  for  him,  but  how  infinitely  valuable 
therewith ! And  the  more  valuable,  the  more  affectionate. 

Young  America’s  fatal  error  lies  in  hastening  to  amass  wealth.  In 
his  rush  after  the  u almighty  dollar,”  besides  breaking  down  his  con- 
stitution, he  starves  out  his  own  and  wife’s  affections.  Though  she 
has  left  home,  parents,  and  all  she  holds  dear  for  him,  yet  he  now 
leaves  her  for  business.  She  yields  to  that  stern  necessity,  which 
keeps  her  loved  one  so  much  from  her  open  arms.  But  she  does  so  wish 
she  could  have  at  least  a little , if  only  a little,  of  his  time  and  soul. 
It  is  so  hard  to  stay  all  alone,  seeing  no  one  from  morning  till  night, 
week  after  week.  And  when  you  are  at  home  your  mind  is  all  on 
business,  business,  business.  You  may  be  gaining  finely  in  dollars, 
but  losing  in  her  love,  which  now  begins  to  pine.  Nothing  can  prevent 
it.  Her  loneliness  renders  her  almost  frantic.  She  little  realizes  the 
cause  of  her  misery,  or  how  to  obviate  it.  Yet  for  all  it  is  slowly 
but  surely  eating  out  her  very  vitals.  She  is  neglected  for  business, 
and  though  not  exactly  conscious  of  this  neglect,  yet  begins  to  feel 
restless,  even  hard.  Nor  is  there  any  telling  how’  much  young  wives 
really  do  suffer  in  and  by  this  chilling  starvation  of  their  young  love. 
And  this  decline  of  the  fires  of  love,  for  want  of  fuel,  allows  animosi- 
ties, which  a vigorous  love  would  keep  at  bay,  to  take  their  place. 

Besides,  you,  perplexed  with  cares  and  fatigued  by  struggles,  some- 
times come  home  cross-grained.  Be  it  that  your  long-continued  and 
heroic  efforts  for  her  have  induced  this  irritability,  she  sees  only  the 
crossness,  and  suffers  just  as  much  on  this  account  as  if  it  were  not 
induced  by  your  loving  labors  for  her. 

But  we  have  seen  that  her  affections  die  out  unless  perpetually  re-fed. 
This  condition  is  an  absolute  finality.  Woman  lives  on  love.  It  is 
her  meat  and  drink,  day  and  night,  from  its  first  dawnings  to  her  latest 
breath.  Unless  she  lives  on  love,  she  docs  not.  can  not.  live  at  all. 


MARRIED  LIFE. 


396 


but  only  stays  and  mopes.  To  starve  that  is  to  starve  all,  while 
nourishing  it  nourishes  all.  It  is  to  her  whole  being  what  lubrication 
is  to  machinery.  Deprived  of  it,  the  best  of  feminine  material 
staunches  or  becomes  retroverted.46  47  But  supplied  therewith,  even 
a poor  feminine  becomes  a good  wife.  Words  utterly  fail  to  delineate 
the  practical  difference  between  the  same  woman  loving  and  loved,  or 
hating  and  hated.  Her  affections  are  the  key  to  her  whole  being,  to 
lock  or  unlock  all  the  good  or  bad,  and  re-increase  both. 

How  many  dollars  is  that  child  worth?  Can  they  measure  its 
priceless  value  ? They  but  mock  it.  The  mere  attempt  is  but  profa- 
nation. 

But  is  not  that  wife,  suppose  she  were  all  devotion  to  you,  worth 
quite  as  much?  In  fact,  the  social  organs  are  so  much  larger  than 
Acquisitiveness,  that  no  money  can  at  all  express  the  value  of  a good 
child,  or  wife,  or  husband.  And  the  more  they  love  or  are  beloved, 
the  more  precious  they  become. 

But  mutual  alienations  detract  correspondingly  from  their  value, 
while  hatred  renders  them  as  much  more  a curse  than  no  wife  or  child, 
as  they  are  the  better  when  loving  and  beloved.  Their  value  depends 
on,  and  rises  or  falls  in  proportion  to  the  amount  of  love  interchanged. 
Of  course,  in  case  a given  amount  of  affection  renders  a wife  worth  a 
hundred  thousand  dollars,  more  or  less,  a hated,  hating  one  is  like  a 
hundred-thousand-dollar- debt,  hanging  like  a perpetual  millstone- 
incubus,  from  which  there  is  no  deliverance.  Therefore,  losing  a 
wife’s  love  is  a greater  loss  than  her  death,  this  being  a mere  loss, 
while  that,  besides  being  as  great  a loss  per  se:  prevents  you  marrying 
another,  and  chains  you  to  a putrifying  carcass  while  she  lives. 
Even  losing  but  a little  of  a wife’s  love  is  an  immeasurable  loss, 
while  gaining  only  a little  in  her  affections  is  worth  more  than  thou- 
sands, because  it  renders  you  happier,  besides  augmenting  hers  and 
your  children’s  happiness. 

Then,  first  count  the  cost,  and  strike  the  balance  as  to  the  difference 
between  a lovely  and  a hateful  wife.  Next,  u cipher  out,”  ye 
shrewd  business  men,  the  value  of  a good  wife.  Solomon  placed  it 
u far  above  rubies,”  and  rubies  are  far  above  your  store  trash.  Yet 
even  he  did  not  duly  estimate  her  full  value.  Next,  by  addition  and 
subtraction,  aided  by  the  Rule  of  Three,  u cipher  out”  how  much  that 
man  gains  who,  by  delving  early  and  late  at  his  eternal  ^business,” 
spoils  a good  ivife:  in  and  by  letting  her  affections  run  down,  perhaps 
die  out — at  least  either  starves  or  reverses  her  love.  Next,  by  addi- 
tion and  multiplication,  find  out  how  much  there  is  gained  by  cherish- 
ing his  wife’s  Jove,  and  thereby  perpetually  i e-improving  both  her  and 


CONJUGAL  ETIQUETTE. 


397 


himself.  Dollars  can  not  measure  such  problems.  What  shall  it 
profit  a man  if,  in  gaining  the  whole  world,  he  spoils  or  loses  a good 
wife  ? And  yet  most  of  our  shrewdest  (?)  business  men  are  daily 
pocketing  this  very  loss  ! 

No,  husband,  young  and  old,  the  very  best  business  u operation”  of 
your  whole  life  is  that  which  establishes  a perpetual  and  enduring 
love  between  yourself  and  that  woman  you  have  selected  for  your 
conjugal  life-mate. 

That  is  valuable  which  renders  happy,  and  in  proportion  thereto.72 
Then  how  valueless  dollar-happiness  in  opposition  to  conjugal  happi- 
ness. Then,  you  shrewd  financier,  begin,  if  only  as  a “ speculation,” 
to  nurture  your  wife’s  affections. 

101.  CONJUGAL  ETIQUETTE. 

Since  all  treatment  of  man  by  man  has  its  right  and  wrong,  and 
since  Nature  requires  special  treatment  between  those  of  opposite 
sexes,14  there  must  of  course  be,  and  is,  a right  and  wrong  conjugal 
comportment  due  between  husbands  and  wives.  Their  mutual  rela- 
tions require  and  impose  a special  line  of  conduct  toward  each  other. 
And  this  right  treatment  must,  and  does,  reward  itself  by  enhancing 
their  love  and  happiness,  while  all  wrong  etiquette,  being  a breach  of 
Nature’s  marital  requisitions,  does,  and  must,  punish  itself  by  conju- 
gal alienations  and  unhappiness.  Indeed,  more  of  the  dislikes,  heart- 
burnings, and  even  infidelities  of  married  life  are  consequent  on  a 
wrong  conjugal  life  than  selection.  In  the  very  nature  of  things  and 
of  love,  the  right  behavior  of  either  must  necessarily  re- enamor  the 
other,  while  all  wrong  conduct  between  them  inevitably  offends  the 
sufferer,  and  reacts  on  the  perpetrator.  All  his  right  comportment 
toward  her  insensibly  but  effectually  endears  her  to  him,  while  all 
wrong  treatment  always  does,  and  necessarily  must,  little  by  little, 
wear  out  the  tenderest  love,  and  engender  alienations  instead. 

More ; the  fusing  power  of  love,  when  allowed  all  its  natural 
facilities,  is  sufficient  to  melt  down  and  reconcile  almost  any  amount 
of  natural  differences^ — sufficient  to  enable  a very  savage  man  and 
refined  woman  to  live  fondly  together.  Much  more  those  of  the  same 
color,  nation,  and  general  character  and  habits,  provided  they  treat 
each  other  in  the  natural  language  of  love.  Not  that  natural  conge- 
niality is  not  most  important,  but  that  a right  treatment  is  more  so, 
and  can  be  made  to  overcome  almost  any  amount  of  natural  unfitness. 
Indeed,  we  solemnly  declare  it  as  our  deliberate  conviciion,  that  a 
large  proportion  of  all  conjugal  discords  are  either  consequent  on  a 
wrong  conjugal  treatment,  cr  at  least  could  be  overcome  by  a light 


898 


MARRIED  LIFE. 


one  Each  unconsciously  both  gives  and  takes  offense  without  either 
knowing  wherein  or  wherefor,  while  a right  treatment  would,  instead, 
have  involuntarily  re-enamored  both.  Yet  their  ignorance  of  these 
matters  no  way  prevents  their  fatality. 

How  infinitely  important,  therefore,  that  all  who  marry  know 
beforehand  in  what  a right  conjugal  treatment  consists  ! Yet  how 
utterly  ignorant  almost  all  are  of  this  subject ! Then,  since  this  right 
treatment  is  a natural  ordinance,  and  therefore  must  have  its  govern- 
ing laws,  what  first  principles  regulate  this  whole  matter  ? 

Precisely  those  which  regulate  the  general  treatment  of  the  sexes 
toward  each  other.  The  individual  husband  is  to  his  wife  precisely 
what  the  male  sex  is  to  the  female.  Of  course  that  same  base  of 
treatment  due  between  the  sexes  is  doubly  due  between  husbands  and 
wives.  But  having  already  expounded  this  general  treatment.14  and 
also  that  due  between  lovers,90  it  remains  only  to  apply  these  sexual 
laws  to  married  life,  which  is  but  the  embodiment  and  most  complete 
exercise  and  expression  of  each  and  all  the  sexual  feelings,  manners, 
and  institutes.  Whatever  is  due  from  the  male  to  the  female  is  doubly 
due  between  those  who  court,  but  most  between  husbands  and  wives. 
That  is,  husbands  and  wives  should  treat  each  other  exactly  as  the 
most  perfect  man  and  woman  should  treat  each  other,  only  more  so. 

How,  then,  would  the  most  perfectly  sexcd  man  and  thorough-bred 
gentleman  treat  the  most  perfect  woman?  And  she  him? 

They  should  first  esteem  each  other  highly,  not  for  their  human  traits 
merely,  but  far  more  so  for  their  sexual  endowments  and  virtues6 — she 
him  for  his  gentlemanly  comportment,  manliness,  nobleness,  talents, 
and  masculine  excellence,  and  he  her  for  her  purity,  gushing  emotions, 
refinement,  moral  virtues,  and  all  her  other  female  charms  and  excel- 
lences. Each  not  only  instinctively  perceives,  but  also  magnifies,  all 
the  human  and  sexual  attractions  of  the  other.35  This  naturally 
begets  an  exalted  regard  for  each  other,  along  with  the  highest  mutual 
respect.  Would  one  angry  frown  distort  his  pleasant  countenance,  or 
harsh  word  escape  his  smiling  lips,  or  coarse  act  mar  his  polished 
bearing?  The  farthest  possible  therefrom.  Would  not  his  keen 
vision  discern  her  every  charm  ? And  commend  them,  too  ? Or,  obliged 
to  see  her  faults,  would  he  reproach  her  therefor?  Would  he  not 
draw  over  them  the  mantle  of  charity,  and  overshadow  them  with  her 
many  virtues?  Would  he  not  almost  rather  tear  out  his  tongue  than 
slur  or  tease,  much  more  scold  her  ? Does  a gentleman  ever  satirize 
a lady  ? Or  is  she  sarcastic  on  him  ? Would  she  magnify  his  faults,  or 
pout,  or  become  offended,  even  if  he  did  do  wrong? 

But  suppose  their  mutual  admiration  should  re-increase  and  ripen 


CONJUGAL  ETIQUETTE. 


399 


into  a perfect  love  and  congenial  marriage,  would  they  not  treat  each 
other  precisely  the  same  as  before,  only  still  more  so  ? So  far  from 
the  least  vulgarity  escaping  him  in  word  or  act,  her  native  purity 
would  chasten  every  look  and  feeling,  as  if  in  the  presence  of  an  angel. 
And  the  more  the  more  he  loved.  As  men  are  more  refined  and  less 
vulgar  with  men  than  alone,  and  much  more  when  with  women  than 
men — as  no  gentlemen  are  ever  coarse  or  gross  in  the  company  of 
ladies,  how  much  less  the  fond  husband  in  that  of  his  idolized  wife  ? 
And  she  in  his  ? 

Yet  how  often  do  legal  husbands  take  liberties  and  perpetrate  im- 
proprieties, even  downright  vulgarities — smoking,  chewing,  blowing 
out , even  actually  swearing,  etc. — before  their  wives,  as  though  privi- 
leged characters,  which  they  would  no  more  do  before  ladies  than 
forfeit  their  gentlemanly  character.  As  though  their  wives  were  not 
ladies,  whereas  they  deserve  all  the  treatment  due  to  ladies,  still  only 
more  exalted,  and  yet  wonder  why  they  are  not  loved,  whereas  the 
same  treatment  to  ladies  would  banish  them  at  once  from  all  respect- 
able society.  And  are  not  wives  also  often  much  more  neat,  tidy, 
particular,  and  every  way  more  captivating  at  parties  than  when  at 
home?  And  in  drawing-room  than  in  boudoir?  Yet  what  can  a# 
thoroughly  disgust  a husband  as  commonness  of  manners,  slatternly 
attire,  violent  temper,  or  anything  unladylike,  much  more,  disgusting 
in  his  wife  ? Please,  ye  married,  apply  this  principle  to  your  own 
nursery  and  dormitory  manners  and  language  toward  each  other.  Are 
not  too  many  husbands  really  loaferish,  at  least  anything  but  gentle- 
manly, in  their  behavior  toward  their  wives?  And  do  not  wives  do 
before,  or  to  their  husbands,  things  so  unladylike,  so  ungenteel,  that 
they  would  feel  compelled  to  cut  any  lady  friend  who  should  do  the 
same  before  a gentleman,  and  what  they  would  not  have  done  before 
their  negro  hostler  ? Love  can  never  co-exist  with  such  ungentlemanly 
and  unladylike  treatment,  but,  existing,  will  soon  be  killed  thereby.  As 
water  overcomes  fire,  or  fire  water,  so  love  must  either  banish  all  such 
improprieties,  or  be  banished  by  them,  for  they  are  antipodal. 

Or  is  the  true  husband  ever  more  gallant  toward  the  ladies  than 
toward  his  wife?  Never  ! only  the  fungus  husband.  For  him  to  be 
ever  so  genteel  and  gallant  toward  other  ladies,  so  spruce,  talkative, 
gay,  lively,  and  complimentary,  but  only  tame  in  manners  and  com- 
monplace— perhaps  not  even  that,  but  downright  rude  toward  wife — 
is  a conjugal  outrage,  and  will  forestall  farther  love,  besides  killing 
existing  affection.  Still,  no  matter  how  polite  he  may  be  to  others, 
provided  he  is  still  more  so  to  wife.  Or  for  wives  to  put  on  their  sweet- 
est smiles  and  most  fascinating  manners  toward  other  men.  and  behave 


400 


MARRIED  LIFE. 


so  prettily,  almost  coquettishly,  toward  others,  but  settle  back,  when 
in  husband’s  company,  into  a commonplace,  ungenteel,  indifferent, 
perhaps  repellant,  if  not  actually  offensive  style  of  manners  and  com- 
portment, inevitably  must  and  does  wound  his  pride,  reverses  love, 
and  engender  disgust  and  hatred.  Yet  the  more  fascinating  in  com- 
pany, the  better,  provided  she  is  still  more  ladylike,  sweet,  and  capti- 
vating toward  husband. 

Not  only  is  benevolence  due  from  all  human  beings  to  all,  and 
doubly  from  all  males  to  all  females,14  and  trebly  between  those  in 
love90 — as  the  true  male  always  and  everywhere  treats  the  female 
considerately,  tenderly,  and  sacrifices  his  own  comfort  on  the  altar  of 
her  happiness,  and  the  more  in  exact  proportion  as  he  is  the  true  male 
and  in  love — so  the  true  husband  can  not  pay  too  much  attention  to 
his  wife’s  little  wants.  He  ought  ere  this  to  have  learned  well  and 
minutely  what  she  likes  and  dislikes,  and  to  provide  the  one,  but 
avoid  the  other.  And  as  the  true  gallant  never  waits  to  be  asked  to 
do  this  or  that  for  a lady,  but,  instead,  is  ever  on  the  alert  to  anticipate 
her  every  want,  and  proffer  it  supply,  nor  that  grudgingly,  but  as 
though  her  acceptance  would  do  him  a special  favor  * and  as  a lover 
sliould  be  still  more  attentive  to  his  loved  one’s  wants,  and  his  eyes 
still  more  eagle  to  perceive,  heart  still  more  willing,  and  hands  more 
nimble  in  their  supply,  how  much  more  the  true  husband  ! Is  not 
this  but  the  natural  language  and  impulse  of  love  ? And  the  more  as 
it  becomes  the  stronger  ? Indeed,  is  not  this  the  main  means  of  ex- 
pressing his  love  for  her,  and  eliciting  hers  for  him  ? He  may  not  be 
able  to  manifest  it  by  any  great  sacrifice,  yet  what  loving  husband  but 
can  read  every  wrant  of  his  loved  wife,  in  word,  in  look,  in  manner, 
and  by  nameless  little  courtesies  at  table,  in  parlor,  in  nursery,  in  bou- 
doir, and  especially  in  company,  both  manifest  his  love  for  her,  and 
re-enkindle  her  love  and  gratitude  for  him  ? An  illustrative  anecdote  : 

A septuagenarian  pair  of  friends — among  whom  are  found  many 
of  the  finest  samples  of  conjugal  manners — in  visiting  the  author’s 
wife,  when  taking  their  leave,  he  said : 

<£  Deborah,  will  thee  be  at  the  door  in  about  five  minutes?” 

u Yes,  Stephen.” 

Arrived,  turning  the  wheel  so  as  to  facilitate  her  ingress,  he  half 
clasped  her  in  his  arms,  and  half  lifted  her  in  ; and  having  gone  all 
around  to  so  tuck  in  buffalo  robe  and  blanket  tightly  around  her  feet 
as  if  to  exclude  the  least  puff  of  air  from  discommoding  her,  and  all 
with  the  utmost  tenderness,  as  jf  she  were  his  choicest  jewel,  and 
inexpressibly  precious,  he  seated  himself  and  drove  off.  Yet  their 
grandchildren  were  grown  up. 


CONJUGAL  ETIQUETTE. 


401 


Now,  is  not  this  the  true  way  every  loving  husband  should  and  will 
treat  his  to  him  infinitely  precious  wife  ? Should  he  not  treat  her  as 
his  darling  pet,  his  idol,  his  other  self,  and  the  mother  of  his  angel 
children,  the  partner  of  all  his  joys  and  sorrows,  and  as  though 
nothing  in  his  power  to  do  for  her  were  good  enough  for  her  ? Then, 
husbands,  wishing  to  treat  your  wives  as  true  husbands  should  do, 
retire  within  your  own  souls,  and  ask  your  own  consciousness,  while 
in  a warm  state  of  affection,  just  how  the  most  perfect  man  and  gen- 
tleman would  treat  the  most  perfect  lady,  and  lover  sweet-heart, 
and  then  comport  yourselves  toward  your  wives  in  the  same  manner, 
only  more  so. 

And  is  not  such  treatment  also  your  manifest  duty?  Does  not 
all  of  your  natural  conjugal  relations  absolutely  require  and  demand 
it  ? As  the  inherent  dependence  of  helpless  child  on  parent  obligates 
him  to  provide  for  its  creature  comforts,  so  does  not  a like  dependence  of 
wife  on  husband  impose  on  him,  by  the  same  natural  law,  a like  moral 
duty  ? And  he  is  derelict  to  her  who  does  not  fulfill  it.  He  perpetrates 
a sin  of  omission  against  her  and  his  God. 

“ But  while  this  seems  all  right  theoretically,  it  imposes  on  him 
burdens  too  great  to  be  borne.  None  can  even  begin  to  live  up 
thereto.” 

Not  so.  Instead,  it  is  perfectly  easy  and  natural  to  those  tenderly 
in  love . Nor  will  it  be  a task,  but  a luxury.  Is  so  natural,  that  it 
11  whistles  itself.”  Can  not  be  helped.  All  required  to  prompt  all  this 
and  much  more  is  simply  a deep,  abiding  affection.  And  this  com- 
portment will  obtain  between  all  who  love,  and  exactly  in  that  degree. 

But  as  love  wanes,  this  style  of  deportment  proportionally  declines. 
Indifferent  manners  accompany  an  indifferent  heart,  but  reversed  love 
engenders  hate,56  which  renders  their  manners  perfectly  hateful. 
Though  he  who  dislikes  his  wife  may  try  to,  and  think  he  does,  treat 
her  about  right,  and  do  his  whole  duty,  yet  his  entire  comportment 
toward  her  is  abominable.  Neither  may  be  able  to  specify  just 
wherein,  yet  every  look  and  act  will  be  not  merely  ungentlemanly, 
but  a perpetual  insult,  and  perfectly  odious. 

t£  But  this  alleged  dependence  of  wife  on  husband  is  artificial,  not 
natural — is  imposed  by  wrong  legal  and  societary  usages — is,  indeed, 
one  of  woman’s  most  paralytic  conditions.  She  should  be  independent 
of  him,”  say  many  woman’s  rights’  advocates. 

By  no  means.  Nor  he  of  her.  Their  mutual  relations  render  them 
mutually  dependent.  Yet  her  most,  because  her  maternal  relations 
require  her  to  do  ten  times  more  things,  little  and  great,  for  them  than 
he  ever  can  do.  They  also  draw  largely  on  her  strength,  and  exhaust 


402 


MARRIED  LIFE. 


her  vitality.  She  therefore  needs  and  deserves  succor  from  her  hus- 
band and  their  father.  As  the  prolific  vine,  too  heavily  laden  to  sup- 
port and  hold  up  her  fruit  to  the  necessary  action  of  air  and  sun, 
requires  the  brawny  oak  around  which  to  cling,  on  whose  sturdy 
limbs  to  hang  out  her  ripening  load,  so  every  female  requires  some 
male  to  help  sustain  and  encourage  her  in  this  her  exhausting  mater- 
nal function.  Hence  nature  makes  it  a great  luxury  in  him  to  bestow, 
and  in  her  to  receive,  his  aid  and  support.  And  requires  the  true 
male  to  give  to:  not  receive  from,  the  female,  throughout  human,  ani- 
mal, and  vegetable  life.  He  naturally  cherishes  her  more  than  she 
him,  and  sacrifices  his  comfort  on  the  altar  of  her  happiness  more 
than  she  hers  on  that  of  his. 

Not  that  she  should  not  also  cater  to  his  creature  comforts,28  14  61 
but  he  most  to  hers.  That  both  should  serve  each  other  is  obvious,28 
but  is  it  not  more  his  place  and  privilege  to  care  for  her  and  their  mu- 
tual children,  than  for  her  to  protect  him  and  them  ? As,  when  bear 
or  tiger  attacks  swine-herd,  their  young  rush  to  the  center  of  a ring, 
and  their  mothers  form  next,  while  the  bristly,  sturdy  masculines 
naturally  take  its  outside,  and  expose  themselves  to  the  greatest 
danger  ■ as  gallant  cock  attacks  marauding  hawk  with  beak  and  spur, 
as  well  as  crows  off  danger,  and  crows  over  it,  besides  scratching  for 
hen,  never  she  for  him  ' so  husband  should  cater  still  more  to  the 
comfort  of  wife  and  children  than  she  or  they  to  his.  And  as  much  more 
as  man  is  superior  to  beast.  I saw  in  Herr  Driesbach’s  menagerie  a 
nursling  monkey,  when  it  craved  its  night’s  rest,  cuddle  into  its  fond 
mother’s  folding  arms,  both  facing  each,  with  its  head  bent  under  her 
arms,  which  were  folded  gently  around  it  and  down  its  back,  while 
still  larger  father  took  precisely  the  same  relative  and  folding  position 
toward  both — a wheel  within  a wheel — but  he  the  external  protector 
and  nurse  of  both  her  and  it,  while  all  slept  most  tenderly  and  cosily 
together.  The  sexual  law  obviously  is,  that  while  she  should  do 
most  for  their  young,  he  should  help  them  by  helping  her — a provision 
beautiful  in  itself,  and  promotive  of  the  happiness  of  all  parties. 
Then,  by  all  the  love  he  naturally  bears  them,  should  he  naturally 
sustain  and  do  for  them  by  doing  for  her.  And  thereby  express  his 
gratitude  to  her  for  her  still  greater  labors  for  them. 

But  are  all  these  courtesies  due  from  him  to  her?  Are  not  about 
as  many  due  from  her  to  him?  Of  pleasant,  winning,  inviting  man- 
ners, even  more  ? Is  not  woman  more  the  angel  of  pleasant  looks  an^ 
winning  behavior  than  man?  And  all  that. the. female  sex  is  to  soci- 
ety, wife  is  to  husband,  only  as  much  more  so,  as  she  should  love  most. 
If  an  indifferent  husband  is  a nonentity,  how  much  better  is  an  indif- 


CONJUGAL  ETIQUETTE. 


403 


ferent  wife  ? She  should  win  attentions  if  she  wishes  them.  As  no 
lady  is  entitled  to  any  more  courtesies  than  her  loveliness  induces 
gentlemen  to  proffer  as  a free-will  offering,  so  no  wife  is  really  entitled 
to  any  more  attention  from  her  husband  than  her  loveliness  prompts 
him  to  bestow.  Her  indifference  to  him  compels  his  indifference  to 
her ) for  how  can  the  male  continue  to  bestow  courtesies  on  the  female 
who  does  not  receive  them  pleasantly  ? Their  passive  reception  fore- 
stalls future  ones.  Let  an  anecdote  illustrate  : 

A young  married  couple  from  Boston,  spending  their  honeymoon  at 
the  American  House,  Buffalo,  he  always  very  gallantly  moved  her 
chair  as  she  took  her  seat  at  table,  waited  on  her  himself  as  far  as 
possible,  and  saw  to  it  that  servants  waited  on  her  in  double  quick 
time  as  to  the  balance,  and  comported  himself  toward  her  in  every 
way  in  a perfect  conjugal  manner,  but  I observed  with  real  pain  that 
she  received  his  gallant  attentions  in  a merely  passive  manner,  without 
paying  for  them  by  any  pleasant  thanks  or  winning  smiles,  and  said 
to  wife,  “ They  will  not  long  be  continued. ??  Nor  were  they.  For 
meeting  them  at  another  table  a few  weeks  afterward,  he  had  discon- 
tinued them.  And  doubtless  that  forlorn  woman  is  to-day  pining  in 
secret  because  he  has  ceased  to  treat  her  as  tenderly  as  of  yore,  and 
sighing  over  the  difference  between  young  lovers  before  marriage,  and 
these  same  men  after  their  honeymoon  has  set,  little  realizing  that  she 
herself  forestalled  and  killed  them  by  her  passive  reception  of  them. 
Wives,  may  not  the  indifference  of  some  of  your  husbands  have  a like 
cause  ? 

“ But  we  wives  and  mothers  have  so  many  little  cares  and  vexa- 
tions— re-aggravated  by  their  very  insignificance — that  we  can  not  be 
always  as  winning  and  pleasant  as  careless  c sweet  sixteens.’  None 
realize  how  much  we  have  to  sour  our  temper. 

But  does  fretting  over  trouble  remove  it  ? Does  it  not  aggravate  it  ? 
And,  worst  of  all,  alienate  husband?  He  may  pity,  even  love  from 
sympathy,  as  he  would  a sick  child,56  86  but  like  one  eating  what  is 
embittered  because  he  can  get  no  better,  or  else  overlooking  the  minor 
bitterness  on  account  of  its  greater  sweetness,  yet  how  much  better  if 
all  sweet?  A fussy,  feesy,  fidgety,  fretful  wife  is  a masculine  abomi- 
nation. Men  do  not  love,  can  but  hate  shrews,  but  can  not  help  lov- 
ing loveliness. 

The  ordinance  of  Nature  obviously  is  that  both  should  behave 
toward  each  other  like  two  turtle-doves — always  in  the  natural  lan- 
guage of  perfect  affection,  as  if  both  were  perfectly  happy  in  each 
other,  and  desired  to  render  the  other  so. 

Then  would  you  have  them  always  billing  and  cooing  ? Perfectly 


404 


MARRIED  LIFE. 


sickish  ! It  is  sickening,  even  c indelicate,7  if  not  positively  immodest 
enough,  for  young  lovers  and  those  in  their  honeymoon  to  he  all  so 
loving  and  lovely  before  folks.  And  they  soon  sicken  themselves  of  it, 
too,  and  discontinue  it.77 

Yet  is  not  this  affectionate  manner  but  the  outgushing  of  a natural 
hearty  love  ? Is  it  not  pre-eminently  manly  in  a husband  to  love  his 
wife?  Then  is  it  not  as  manly  to  express  this  love?  And  express 
all , and  as  he  feels?  And  is  it  not  equally  feminine  in  her  to  ten- 
derly love  her  husband  ? And  equally  so  to  manifest  her  outgushing 
tenderness  ? Is  love  loathsome,  that  it  must  he  restricted  to  secrecy  ? 
Lust  is.  But  love  is  the  purest  of  human  virtues.  Nor  does  it  fulfill 
a mission  more  lovely  than  when  reflecting  this  natural  language  of 
affection.  To  those  whose  sexualities  are  perverted,  it  is  indelicate. 
But  only  because  of  their  indelicate  optics ,46  And  if  husbands  and 
wives  would  but  manifest  their  love  more  before  folks  in  these 11  billings 
and  cooings,77  they  would  experience  far  less  of  its  animal  aspect. 
These  young  lovers  are  true  to  the  mating  instinct.  And  the  discon- 
tinuance of  these  love  attentions  proclaims  the  paralysis  of  their  love  * 
for  they  can  no  more  help  this  its  natural  language  and  manner,  in 
proportion  as  they  love,  than  help  laughing  when  merry,  or  shivering 
when  cold. 

But  if  sun  lights  up  any  one  sight  a little  more  odious  than  any 
other,  it  is  neither  savage  torture,  nor  mother  drowning  her  child  in 
the  Ganges,  but  indifferent  or  repellant  conjugal  manners.  Are  even 
lion  and  lioness,  tiger  and  tigress,  ever  indifferent,  much  more  spiteful, 
toward  each  other  ? Notwithstanding  all  their  native  ferocity,  all  is 
kindness  and  gentleness  toward  each  other.  Show  me  one  hostile, 
even  indifferent  animal  pair,  and — but  such  monstrosities  are  found 
nowhere  except  among  human  brutes,  and  when  thus  found,  are  more 
brutal  than  even  savage  beast  can  be.  As  much  more  so  as  man 
should  be  a higher — yet  often  is  a lower — sample  of  conjugality  than 
animal.  Every  woman  whose  husband  is  indifferent  is  entitled  by 
nature’s  laws  to  a divorce — is  divorced  practically ; for  this  indiffer- 
ence is  his  divorce  of  her.  And  her  indifference  toward  him  is  his 
divorce  of  her — is  a practical  abandonment  of  the  other  party  by  the 
indifferent  one.  What  smut  or  ergot  is  to  grain,  poison  to  food,  and  sin 
to  virtue,  conjugal  neglect  or  coldness  is  to  a true  conjugality.  But 
what  rich,  luscious  fruit  is  to  eye  and  taste,  are  these  billings  and 
cooings — copied  from  the  turtle-dove,  that  best  sample  of  a vine  conju- 
gality— to  wedlock.  Why,  it  is  the  very  nature  and  embodiment 
of  love,  as  well  as  its  great  promoter.  For  what  was  a man  created 
manly  and  given  a man’s  heart  but  to  love  his  wife,  and  manifest 


CONJUGAL  ETIQUETTE. 


405 


that  love?  Nor  can  he  who  loves  help  it.  And  it  was  to  reciprocate 
these  affectionate,  or  love  tokens,  that  woman  was  created  feminine 
and  charming.  And  the  conjugal  state  is  the  truest  and  only  legitimate 
place  for  their  exercise.  And  those  are  truest  to  manliness  or  woman- 
liness who  experience  or  act  out  the  most,  and  in  the  best  manner. 

This  calls  up  kissing  each  other,  both  before  others  and  alone — that 
most  natural  expression  and  incentive  of  love.  Then,  by  as  much  as 
they  should  love  each  other,  should  they  express  this  love  by  this  its 
most  natural  manifestation,  and  that  right  heartily. 

Said  Mrs.  Atherton,  wife  of  a New  Hampshire  senator,  on  perusing 
this  idea  on  the  last  page  of  the  first  edition  of  u Love  and  Parentage,'7 
that  husbands  and  wives  should  kiss  each  other  as  he  went  to,  returned 
from  business,  pleasure,  and  the  last  thing  before  sleep,  and  first  after 
waking — u The  man  who  penned  that  deserves  to  be  immortalized  for 
urging  the  very  point  of  conjugal  etiquette  the  most  important,  but 
least  practiced,  and  the  want  of  which  is  the  great  extinguisher  of 
love  after  marriage.77 

But  Pd  spit  in  my  husband7s  face  if  he  should  undertake  to  kiss 
me,77  said  a married  thing  on  hearing  this  sentiment. 

Up  to  their  marriage,  even  through  their  honeymoon,  they  do  recip- 
rocate this  heartiest  expression  of  love,  but  soon  settle  back  into  seem- 
ing indifference,  because,  as  love  dies  when  not  supplied  by  its  natural 
fuel,97  98  so  the  non-supply  of  this  and  other  like  love-incentives 
starves  this  sentiment  to  death  ! 

Yet  its  re-supply  will  re-enkindle  it.  Husbands,  in  six  months  you 
could  revive  your  wives7  love  to  almost  pristine  warmth,  just  by  re- 
proffering these  gallantries.  And  wives,  try  their  effects  on  your 
indifferent  husbands.  Thaw  them  out  thereby.  Methodist-like,  come, 
join  this  matrimonial  church  u on  six  months7  trial.77  Can  you  not 
hold  out  at  least  that  long?  And  if  you  can.  you  will  find  the  next 
stadium  easier,  and  the  last  easiest. 

More.  Does  not  this  indifference  account  for  both  alienations  and 
infidelities  ? After  love  has  been  once  awakened,  it  must  continue,  or 
starve.41  *0  48  It  should  be  directed  to  its  first  object,41  but,  becoming 
estranged  from  it,  must  seek  another,  or  die  out.45  48  Does  not  this  law 
explain  Mrs.  Gurney7s  sad  fall?  Her  parliamentary  husband,  though 
as  kind  to  her  as  husband  need  be  to  wife,  regaling  her  with  country 
and  city  pleasures  ad  libitum , was  likely  too  busy  to  lavish  on  her 
those  little  attentions  so  agreeable  to  woman,  and  promotive  of  love. 
But  her  groom,  by  bestowing  them,  revives  her  dormant  love  senti- 
ment, completely  fascinates  her,  and  induces  her  to  abandon  husband, 
family,  position,  everything  dear  to  her,  that  she  might  continue  to 


406 


MARRIED  LIFE. 


revel  in  those  little  gallantries  which,  if  they  had  been  supplied  from 
their  legitimate  source,  would  doubtless  have  had  no  charms  for  her. 
We  do  not  aver  that  she  was  thus  neglected,  but  her  fail  suggests  it, 
and  this  law  perfectly  explains  and  accounts  for  it. 

102.  THE  CARDINAL  CONJUGAL  RULE. 

u But  can  you  not  furnish  us  with  some  general  rule , applicable  in 
all  cases,  and  constituting  an  infallible  guide,  by  which  to  regulate 
both  our  general  and  our  detailed  conduct  toward  each  other  ? Most 
natural  truths,  mathematical  in  particular,  have  their  formulas , ap- 
plicable in  all  cases,  and  reducible  to  some  axiomatic  form  of  expres- 
sion. Exists  there  not  some  such  a matrimonial  formula? 

There  does.  It  is  this  : Observe  nature's  normal  sexual  instincts. 

Or  thus.  The  male  sex,  as  a whole,  is  to  the  female  what  the  indi- 
vidual husband  is  to  the  wife.  Therefore  whatever  is  due  and  proper 
from  either  sex  to  the  other,  is  doubly  due  from  each  sexual  mate  to 
the  other  in  conjugality.  That  is,  all  the  general  relations  of  the 
sexes  to  each  other  obtain  in  wedlock,  only  to  a much  greater  degree. 

Or  thus  : All  in  man.  that  attracts  either  woman  in  general,  or  wife 
in  particular,  is  his  masculine  sexuality,  mental  and  moral,  of  course, 
included.  And  all  in  woman  that  enamors  man  in  general,  or 
husband  in  particular,  is  the  manifestation  of  genuine  feminine  char- 
acter.6 That  this  is  the  only  fundamental  principle  and  base  of  all 
sexual  attraction  and  love  is  obvious,  yet  has  been  already  proved 
so  often,  and  referred  to  so  fully,  that  we  here  would  require  only  to 
apply  it  to  the  case  in  hand— -or  rather  to  illustrate  it. 

I sit  down  to  eat  what  I suppose  to  be  delicious.  But  it  has  been 
intermixed  with  something  bitter.  Just  what  it  is,  or  how  it  came 
there,  I know  not.  But  only  that  it  is  bitter,  because  1 taste  it.  Or  1 
may  hardly  be  conscious  that  1 do  taste  it,  and  yet  instinctively  feel 
that  something  is  wrong,  but  for  which  I should  relish  it  much  better. 
Or  a meal  I thought  only  common  has  been  flavored  with  something 
really  sweet  and  luscious.  Just  what'it  is  I know  not,  but  only  that 
it  “ goes  to  the  right  spot.JJ  I may  hardly  be  conscious  of  its  intrinsic 
goodness,  but  feel  it  for  all. 

Now  the  sexuality  of  each  sex  is  to  the  other  what  this  lusciousness 
is  to  food.  When  a weli-sexed  wife  is  true  to  her  primitive  feminine 
instinct,  and  expresses  it  fully  and  normally,  her  normal  husband  can 
not  help  perceiving  this  her  inherent  loveliness,  and  being  enamored 
thereby.  Exactly  what  delights  him  he  knows  not,  yet  its  practical 
effect  is  as  if  he  knew.  Not  as  great,  perhaps,  because  not  as  fully 
appreciated,  but  felt  and  loved  for  all.  All  her  ten  thousand  little 


THE  CARDINAL  CONJUGAL  RULE. 


407 


ways  and  modes  of  thought  and  expression  so  charm  him  that  he  can 
not  rest  satisfied  unless  continually  imbibing  her  lovable  emanations. 
It  is  this  natural  expression  of  her  normal  sexuality  which  thus  sea* 
sons  all  she  says  asd  does,  and  awakens  and  re- intensifies  his  love. 
She  is  true  to  that  feminine  nature  which  he  was  created  man  to 
admire  and  love,  and  which  his  masculinity  perceives  and  relishes. 
In  order  fully  to  understand  these  points,  please  re-read.5  6 7 69 

Yet  our  subject  has  still  another  phase.  Perhaps  he  is  in  so 
unsexed  a mood  as  not  only  not  to  relish  her  sexuality,  but  only  to  be 
aggravated  thereby.  Like  a depraved  stomach,  craving  what  is  inju- 
rious, but  loathing  what  is  intrinsically  good — -like  reversed  Conscien* 
Dousness,  hating  the  truth,  and  “refusing  to  come  to  the  light,  because 
its  deeds  are  evil”-~so  the  right  sexuality  of  his  wife  may  reprove  his 
perverted  sexuality,  and  thereby  her  loving  ways  become  hateful  to 
him,  And  the  more  lovely  she  is,  the  more  he  hates  her.  Nor  would 
he  love  her  wrong  manifestation  either.  No  matter  if  even  similar 
to  his  own.  He  hates  both  bad  and  good — both  himself  and  her — - 
because  of  this  perverted  phase  of  his  own  sexuality.46  69  Poor  man  ! 
Yet  he  heaps  perpetual  blame  on  her,  and  really  does  feel  that  she  is 
just  a little  the  very  worst  woman  in  all  this  world,  and  all  simply 
because  he  is  the  very  worst  man.46  As  those  internally  conscious  of 
their  own  frailty  are  the  most  jealous,  because  of  their  wrong  sexual 
mood,  so  he  feels  thus  indignant  toward  her  only  because  inherently 
hateful  in  and  of  himself. 

Or,  instead,  she  departs  from  a truly  feminine  comportment.  This 
is  to  him  sexual  bitterness.  He  keeps  feeling,  6: 1 don’t  like  this  or 
that,”  yet  knows  not  either  why  or  how.  He  may  not  even  know 
what  he  does  dislike,  but  becomes  irritable,  combative,  and  cross- 
grained  about  everything.  He  may  not  analyze  his  feelings,  but  there 
they  are  for  all. 

And  the  converse  as  regards  woman.  And,  as  “'gaping  is  catch- 
ing,” this  hatefulness  of  either  thereby  necessarily  engenders  that  of 
the  other.  The  reversed  sexuality  of  either  reverses  that  of  the  other 
— on  the  principle  that  fire  spreads,  and  that  each  organ,  when  re- 
versed. causes  retroverted  action  in  the  other. 

,£  Then  by  what  touchstone  can  we  try  all  our  every-day  little 
actions,  sayings,  and  manifestations  toward  each  other?” 

Thus — mark  it  well,  for  it  is  an  infallible  test,  and  as  broad,  yet 
specific,  as  any  other  scientific  formula  or  axiom,  that  every  word, 
look,  act  of  a true  marriage  is,  must  be,  the  offspring  and  expression 
of  unalloyed  love.  That  whatever  is  antagonistic  to  love  always  does, 
must  be,  wrong.  More  that  whatever  is,  does,  and  necessarily  must, 


408 


MARRIED  LIFE. 


alienate.  And  in  every  single  instance.  And  to  a degree  commensu- 
rate with  its  departure  from  this  love-type. 

Now  take  that  last  sentence  you  uttered,  act  you  did,  and  ask  your- 
self, Did  a true  womanly  or  masculine  spirit  conceive  and  express 
that  sentence,  or  perform  that  act?  If  so,  it  re-awakens  love.  But 
if  not,  it  will,  must,  should  alienate.  Now  test  all  your  little  actions 
and  feelings  by  this  single  touchstone,  and  you  have  in  your  answer 
the  u marks5*  of  conjugal  merit  and  demerit. 

Or,  what  amounts  to  the  same  thing,  just  ask  yourself  whether  the 
most  perfect  husband  or  wife  would  have  said  or  done  what  you  have 
just  said,  done?  Or,  if  you  had  been  an  unprejudiced  observer,  what 
would  you  have  thought  of  it?  Or,  if  this  same  thing  had  been  said 
or  done  to  yourself  by  your  partner?  So,  if  you  would  be  absolutely 
perfect  as  a husband  or  wife,  just  retire  within  your  own  selves,  and 
try  to  think  or  feel  just  exactly  how  a perfect  husband  or  wife  should 
or  would  treat  the  other  party,  and  then  “ go  thou  and  do  likewise.” 

103.  MOLDING  AND  IMPROVING  EACH  OTHER. 

Conformity  is  a first  natural  function  of  each  and  all  the  affec- 
tions. Friendship  naturally  produces  assimilation.  Children  invol- 
untarily become  like  those  they  love,  And  thus  of  people  and  minis- 
ter, of  one  and  all.  How  natural  to  pattern  after  those  we  admire  ! 
We  like  their  ways,  doctrines,  characters,  and  therefore  naturally 
become  like  them. 

This  mutual  conformity  obtains  more  especially  between  the  sexes. 
All  the  tastes  and  habits  of  each  sex  are  but  the  reflection  of  those  of 
the  other.  In  those  places  where  ladies  think  it  no  harm  for  men  to 
drink,  or  only  a funny  joke  for  them  to  get  “ tight,”  especially  where 
they  drink  wine  with  them,  the  young  men  will  drink  to  kill;  yet 
wherever  the  ladies  frown  on  drinking,  the  men  are  temperate.  And 
thus  of  all  other  masculine  habits.  The  male  sex  loves  to  be  beloved 
by  the  feminine,  and  therefore  conforms  to  their  standard  of  likes  and 
dislikes,  as  the  natural  means  of  enlisting  their  kind  regards. 

So  the  female  sex  conforms  to  the  tastes  of  men.  Thus,  as  long 
and  as  far  as  men  admire  small  waists,  the  ladies  tighten  their  stays 
every  morning,  and  re-tighten  them  every  night,  though  they  almost 
torture  their  breaths  out  of  their  bodies.  Let  a courting  young  man 
express  admiration  for  small  waists,  and  his  lady-love  will  cheerfully 
suffer  real  agony  in  thus  conforming  her  waists  to  his  standard,  while 
her  tastes  constitute  his  strongest  possible  incentive  to  conform  himself 
thereto. 

And  why  do  women  dress  thus  fashionably  (?).  fantastically,  and 


MOLDING  AND  IMPROVING  EACH  OTHER. 


409 


run  tandem  after  u accomplishments,57  but  because  men  smile  more 
sweetly  on  those  thus  gayly  dressed,  and  bow  more  gracefully  to  fash- 
ionable women  without  sense,  than  to  those  of  genuine  talents  and 
worth  without  style  ? And  this  conformity  of  the  sexes  to  each  other 
is  a most  beautiful  natural  institute.  And  gives  to  each  sex  a perfect 
control  over  the  habits  of  the  other,  besides  re-enamoring  each  of  the 
other. 

Since,  therefore,  the  devoted  husband  is  to  his  wife  what  the  male 
sex  is  to  the  female,97  and  since  the  sexes  thus  naturally  conform  to 
each  other,  much  more  should  individual  lovers,  and  the  married. 
And  the  more,  the  more  devotedly  they  love.  And  they  actually  do. 
Nature  ordains  and  compels  it.  It  is  her  means  of  establishing  that 
oneness  requisite  to  the  mutual  transmission  of  their  qualities  to  their 
children.6  To  love  dearly  without  it  is  impossible. 

Moreover,  each  sex  is  a much  better  judge  of  the  excellences  of  the 
other  than  either  of  its  own.  As  he  who  loves  a horse  better  than 
dog  is  therefore  a better  judge  of  equine  qualities  than  canine,  while 
he  who  loves  dogs  best  estimates  canine  best,  so  by  the  love  the 
female  bears,  should  bear  to  the  male,  is  she  therefore  a better  judge 
of  masculine  excellences  than  of  feminine.  And  vice  verm  of  man’s 
judgment  as  to  feminine  virtues. 

With  double  force  does  this  principle  apply  to  lovers  and  the  mar- 
ried. By  all  his  love  for  her  is  his  judgment  of  her  excellences  better 
than  hers  of  her  own.  Further:  by  the  love  she  would  awaken  in 
him,  should,  and  will  she,  conform  herself  to  his  standard  of  female 
loveliness,  instead  of  to  her  own.  And  by  as  much  as  he  would  be 
loved  by  her,  must  he  become  what  she  deems  lovable.  What  could 
be  clearer,  or  more  intrinsically  beautiful? 

Then,  should  not  each  study  the  tastes  of  the  other,  and  endeavor 
to  conform  thereto  ? Is  not  this  indisputably  the  first  instinct  of  each  ? 
And  both  proportionate  to  love,  and  inseparable  therefrom  ? 

Then  let  each  vie  with  the  other  as  to  who  shall  conform  the  most 
completely  to  the  other.  Each  should  be  like  potter’s  clay,  perfectly 
tempered,  and  all  ready  to  be  molded  up  into  whatever  vessels  will 
best  please  the  other.  And  the  one  which  loves  the  most,  will  yield 
the  most.  Herein  consists  the  first  instincts  of  a genuine  love.  You, 
wife,  have  chosen  your  husband.  Your  greatest  desire  now  is — should 
be,  will  be,  in  a true  wife — to  render  yourself  just  as  complete  a wife 
as  possible.  Not  to  others  in  general,  but  to  him  in  special.  Then 
you  require  to  conform  yourself,  not  to  the  taste  of  others,  but  only  to 
his  taste,  likes,  character.  And  she  is  the  better  wife,  other  things 
being  equal,  who  conforms  most. 


18 


410 


MARRIED  LIFE. 


Besides*  go  back  to  your  own  experience.  Did  you  not  at  your 
marriage  soliloquize,  “ Now,  all  I can  do,  I will  do,  to  become  just 
what,  and  all  that,  my  dear  James  desires.  Though  I hate  to  wash 
and  cook,  yet  anything  to  please  him.  Since  he  likes  to  have  me  go 
to  his  church.  I go  gladly.  He  has  only  to  express  his  wishes,  to  give 
me  infinite  pleasure  to  comply  therewith.”  And  he  is  equally  con- 
formatory  to  her  tastes.  And  those  who  love  devotedly,  yield  even  to 
the  others  very  whims. 

Still  farther.  No  man  ever  does  or  can  evolve  his  own  excellences. 
They  do,  must  lie  dormant,  till  the  molding  hand  of  some  loving,  be- 
loved woman  eliminates  them.  It  is  only  by  her  that  he  can  be 
enabled  to  put  forth  his  natural  capacities.16  62  This  principle  under- 
lies our  entire  volume,  and  accords  with  the  practice  of  every  living 
man.  In  battle,  in  college,  in  church,  in  business,  in  everything, 
man’s  love  to  woman  in  general,  and  to  his  own  loved  one  in  special, 
alone  can  inspire  him  to  exert  all  hi3  capacities,  and  calls  out  all  his 
excellences. 

And  this  principle  applies  still  more  to  woman.  While  unloving 
and  unloved,  her  talents  however  brilliant,  her  virtues  however  ex- 
alted, lie  comparatively  dormant,  till  the  love  she  bears  to  some  mas- 
culine brings  them  forth,  and  renders  what  was  before  commonplace 
now  almost  divine.  Unloving,  unloved,  humanity  is  to  itself  when 
loved  what  leather  is  to  skin,  the  texture  only,  but  its  warm,  glowing 
life  extinct.  Therefore  your  wife’s  faults  are  yours,  and  yours  hers. 
It  is  not  for  her  to  obviate  her  own  as  much  as  for  you  to  obviate  them. 
Nor  yours  to  overcome  your  own  as  much  as  hers  to  overcome  yours. 
Not  but  that  each  should  help  obviate  their  own  much,  but  the  other’s 
more  and  most. 

When  this  principle  first  burst  upon  my  mind,  springing  to  my  feet, 
I involuntarily  exclaimed  u Eureka,”  and  that  day  set  about  molding 
out  my  wife’s  faults,  but  stopped  blaming  her  for  them,  because  I took 
that  blame  on  myself.  And  also  yielded  myself  to  be  molded  by  her, 
saying,  “ How  do  you  like  this  ? and  how  can  I improve  in  that  ? for  I 
would  render  myself  just  as  perfect,  and  therefore  lovable,  in  your 
eyes  as  it  lies  in  my  power  to  do.”  With  this  great  core  conjugal 
principle , oh,  all  ye  men,  be  duly  impressed.  Please  first  drink  in  its 
philosophy , and  then  put  it  in  daily  practice. 

But  since  my  wife  has  this,  that,  the  other  fault,  if  I yield  myself 
passively  to  her  molding  hand,  as  you  recommend,  she  will  mold  her 
own  faults  into  me,  not  my  faults  out.  How  then?” 

Mold  her  faults  out  by  this  very  law,  and  also  fortify  yourself 
against  their  reception,  yet  yield  other  points  to  her  molding  power. 


MOLDING  AND  IMPROVING  EACH  OTHER. 


411 


By  presupposition  you  chose  one  under  whose  influence  you  may  so 
place  yourself.52  Or  if  not,  must  take  one  of  these  consequences,  to 
go  unmolded,  undeveloped,  or  else  be  molded  into  error.  Either  horn 
is  awful,  but  one  inevitable. 

a But  would  you  have  either  sacrifice  their  own  identity  on  the  altar 
of  the  other’s  tastes  ? You  argue  the  doctrine  of  personality  with  abil- 
ity.65 What  is  any  one  worth  to  self  or  others  who,  chameleon-like, 
takes  color  from  conjugal  or  other  surroundings?  There  is  reason  in 
all  things;  yet  are  you  not  urging  a good  practice  too  far?” 

Let  the  most  perfect  give  the  most  practical  answer.  Too  much 
conformity  is  rarely  found,  and  hardly  possible. 

Still,  personality  is  a first  natural  law.  We  owe  our  first  human 
duties  to  ourselves,  one  of  which  is  to  preserve  our  own  entity  intact, 
and  allow  ourselves  to  be  molded  only  for  its  improvement.  Be  your- 
self, unless  you  can  become  better  in  and  by  conforming  to  conjugal 
partner.  Self-preservation  and  elevation  take  precedence  over  even 
conjugality.  Our  very  conjugal  duties  become  duties  only  in  and  by 
their  being  self-perfecting.  And  our  duty  to  God  is  only  that  to  self. 
If  your  conjugal  partner  has  some  marked  fault  which  you  do  not  or 
can  not  obviate,  on  no  account  conform  thereto.  But  this  only  presup 
poses  that  you  have  made  a poor  selection,  while  our  doctrine  of  being 
molded  presupposes  a good  one,  by  whom  you  may  safely  be  molded.52 

Having  selected  the  best  you  can,  next  set  yourself  about  so  molding 
him  or  her,  that  you  may  safely  yield  yourself  up  into  your  partner’s 
affectionate  hands. 

Furthermore.  No  small  part  of  the  discordance  of  the  married  life 
is  consequent  on  this  very  want  of  mutual  molding.  At  marriage 
each  presupposes  the  other  already  fashioned  to  their  liking,  whereas 
selection  is  as  if,  desiring  a beautiful  piece  of  choice  furniture  for 
life-long  use  and  admiration,  you  had  gone  through  the  forests,  and 
merely  chosen  the  green-tree  material,  which  must  now  be  felled,  and 
in  a particular  way,  cut  and  sawed  into  special  forms  adapted  to  the 
purpose  required,  and  then  seasoned,  worked  up,  painted,  and  placed 
in  accordance  with  your  special  likes.  Now,  in  the  very  nature  of 
things,  this  fashioning  must  be  done  after  marriage.  And  by  the  oppo- 
site party.  For  how  can  they  safely  either  mold  or  be  molded,  till 
they  have  mated?  But  their  marriage  once  guaranteed,  they  may 
now  set  themselves  about  this  mutual,  required  conformity.  Selection 
is  but  the  untempered  clay,  which  love  now  sets  about  fashioning  into 
its  beau-ideal  of  conjugal  affection. 

And  herein  consists  the  very  art  of  all  conjugal  arts,  the  great  labor 
of  all  marital  labors.  And  yet  the  very  one  universally  ignored. 


412 


MARRIED  LIFE. 


And  when  different  views  or  feelings  do  arise,  which  is  almost  a 
matter  of  course,  instead  of  trying  to  mold  out  the  bone  of  contention, 
both  become  indignant,  and  have  a ££ spat .?786  Perhaps  the  disputed 
point  has  never  come  up  before.  Neither  knew  the  wishes  of  the  other 
concerning  it,  and  of  course  could  not  have  become  alike,  even  if  they 
would.  An  affectionate  discussion  might  now’  obviate  it.  But  only 
an  affectionate  one.  If  they  can  meet  on  any  mutual  phase  of  it, 
they  should  by  all  means  thus  meet.  But  if  not,  come  as  near  together 
as  possible,  and  each  concede  to  the  other  that  most  sacred  of  all  human 
rights,  personal  decision  and  action.  Yet  each  should  vie  w’ith  the 
other  in  both  yielding  as  far  as  judgment  and  conscience  wrill  permit, 
and  then  leaving  the  other  his  or  her  own  master  as  to  the  balance. 
That  is,  obviating  the  difference  as  far  as  possible,  and  then  tolerating 
the  balance.  And  this  mutual  conformity  will  soon  superinduce  mu- 
tual similarity.  Said  Mrs.  , ££  When  I first  married,  I found  but 

a single  point  of  similarity  and  sympathy  between  myself  and  hus- 
band. I soon  found  that  discussing  our  differences  only  aggravated 
them,  and  adopted  this  inflexible  rule : never  to  argue  points  of  dis- 
similarity, but  simply  to  establish  harmony  on  the  one  point  in  which 
we  agreed.  This  soon  established  concord  on  another  key-note,  cher- 
ishing which  soon  brought  us  into  union  on  another,  and  so  on,  till 
now  every  discordant  note  has  become  concordant,  and  we  have  lived 
most  happily.”  Behold  the  triumph  of  conformity  ! 

Besides,  this  conformity  is  but  the  very  natural  outw’orkings  of  that 
sexual  element  in  wdiich  marriage  consists,  or,  rather,  its  very  embodi- 
ment. Please  re-peruse  6 with  reference  to  this  special  point.  It  em- 
braces the  very  marital  entity  itself,  besides  constituting  its  focal  center. 

Moreover,  in  this  molding  each  other  into  the  image  liked,  con- 
sists our  own  highest  pleasure.  Thus,  you  purchase  a horse,  a farm, 
a house.  The  very  love  you  bear  to  the  purchased  article  induces 
you  to  fit  or  train  it  to  your  liking.  And  howr  great  the  enjoyment  of 
re-setting  this  fence,  planting  out  those  trees,  making  that  garden  or 
flowrer-bed,  repairing  or  re-setting  this  and  that,  and  seeing  it  improve 
under  your  nurture  ! 

Howr  infinitely  more,  then,  is  this  true  of  husbands  and  W’ives  ! 
What  greater  pleasure  is  permitted  to  a doting  husband  than  to  see 
his  darling  wife  grow’  belter  and  more  lovable  day  by  day?  And  that 
under  his  own  fostering  culture?  Or  wThat  greater  pleasure  can  a 
wife  experience  than  in  seeing  her  idolized  husband  discontinue  this 
bad  habit,  and  adopt,  that  good  one,  and  grow  better  every  way,  under 
her  fostering  hands  ? Just  try  whether  you  ever  experienced  a greater 
luxury,  ye  who  have  not  already  experienced  it. 


MOLDING  AND  IMPROVING  EACH  OTHER. 


413 


And  this  molding  ought  to  begin  at  the  very  mating,  of  which  it 
forms  a conspicuous  part.78  Both  should  surrender  their  whole  being 
into  the  hands  of  the  other,  as  if  practically  saying  : “ Here  am  I — do 
with  me  as  you  please.  Only  take  me,  and  make  of  me  whatever  you 
would  love  me  the  better  for  being.77  Intelligent,  affectionate  reader, 
is  not  this  obviously  the  outworkings  of  a true  conjugality  ? 

And  if  delightful  thus  to  mold,  how  much  more  so  to  be  molded? 
What  greater  pleasure  can  a wife  experience  than  in  the  feeling,  “ My 
husband  has  correct  ideas  as  to  what  will  render  his  wife  perfect  in 
his  eyes,  and  I will  just  do  and  become  whatever  he  desires  ?77  And 
how  perfectly  glorious  to  feel  that  she  is  daily  improving  under  his 
tender  tuition  ! And  this  mating  period  is  the  very  time  to  stipulate 
for  such  mutual  improvements. 

An  Irish  servant-girl,  whose  hand  was  besought  in  marriage, 
replied : 

“Patrick,  before  I can  say  yes,  you  must  take  the  temperance 
pledge,  on  the  oath  of  the  cHoly  Catholic  Church.7  77 

“ But,  Kate,  I drink  only  at  ‘ Independence  and  Christmas,7  and 
then  only  with  a friend.  You  never  have  seen,  will  see  me  drunk.77 

“ But,  Patrick,  my  mind  is  made  up77 — for  she  had  learned  temper- 
ance lessons  from  the  “ Fowlers.77 

“Och,  Kate,  and  faith  since  it7s  you  that  asks  it,  and  I love  you 
so  much  more  than  liquor,  I will  sign  the  pledge.77  And  the  very 
next  time  he  visited  her  he  threw  Father  Mathew7s  temperance  medal 
into  her  lap,  joyfully  exclaiming:  “There,  Kate,  keep  that,  my  tem- 
perance pledge,  and  do  not  lose  it.77  She  added  : 

“Now,  Patrick,  I just  want  one  thing  more.  I am  determined 
never  to  have  to  keep  cleaning  up  after  a tobacco  chewer  or  smoker,63 
and  you  must  throw  away  your  pipe  and  quid.77 

“Faith,  Kate,  an7  it7s  a close  bargain  you7re  driving  with  me,  but 
as  I love  you  so  much  more  than  tobacco,  I will  quit  both.77  And 
he  did. 

But  another  temperance  girl,  seeing  her  betrothed  a little  too  merry 
wi  ,h  wine  at  an  evening  party,  she  sent  him  his  dismissal  next  morning, 
and  thereby  broke  both  his  heart  and  hers,  and  threwr  herself  away 
on  the  first  man  who  proposed,  lived  a most  WTetched  marital  life, 
and  got  divorced,  having  suffered  more  than  tongue  can  tell,  just 
because  she  pursued  this  wrong  matrimonial  course.  They  met  but 
once  afterward,  when  he  said,  falteringly — 

“Julia,  if  you  had  only  asked  me  never  to  drink  again,  I would 
have  sworn,  and  kept  my  oath.77 

Now,  which  of  these  girls  pursued  the  right  course  ? And  which 


414 


MARRIED  LIFE. 


got  paid  for  adopting  the  right,  and  which  punished  for  taking  the 
wrong  ? 

“Yet  Julia  doubtless  thereby  saved  herself  from  the  agonies  of 
being  a drunkard’s  wife  and  mother.” 

But  we  maintain  that  she  who  has  a man’s  hearty  love  can  per- 
suade him  into  and  out  of  almost  anything  she  pleases.  And  the 
strength  of  his  love  is  but  the  measure  of  her  power  over  him  to  wean 
him  from  this  vice,  entice  to  that  virtue,  and  fashion  him  to  her  liking. 
And  the  fact  that  love  is  the  all-absorbing  passion,  especially  of  those 
well  sexed,  her  power  over  him  becomes  both  magical  and  absolute. 

Behold  and  wonder  at  the  power  of  the  fascinating  coquette  over 
her  victim  ! She  picks  his  pockets  perpetually,  only  to  give  him 
additional  pleasure  in  re-filling  them  for  her.  She  makes  game  of 
him,  only  to  re-increase  her  power  to  lead  him  spell-bound,  charmed, 
whithersoever  she  pleases.  And  what  a perfect  fool  she  often  makes 
of  him  ! Then  how  much  more  can  a genuine  settled  love  be  made 
to  mold  its  participants  ! If  it  were  but  wielded  to  the  extent  it  is 
implanted  by  Nature,  it  would  be  amply  sufficient  to  enable  any  loved 
woman  to  mold  any  loving  man  into  any  image  possible  to  him  which 
she  may  desire.  He  becomes  her  willing  captive. 

Hence,  no  young  woman  need  fear  to  marry  any  man,  however  bad 
his  habits,  provided — and  this  proviso  is  absolute — he  loves  her. 
True,  all  the  better  if  his  habits  are  previously  good.  But  better 
accept  one  with  bad,  if  he  really  loves  her,  than  spoil  a human  being, 
and  possibly  herself,  by  discarding  him.  Nor  can  she  afford  to  throw 
away  so  precious  a golden  treasure  as  his  love.  And  all  because  it  is 
impaired  by  a slight  flaw.  Refine  it — not  throw  away  so  much  good 
on  account  of  a little  bad.  And  if  his  love  is  too  precious  to  you,  so 
is  he  too  precious  to  himself  to  be  ruined  by  being  cast  off. 

But  if  a young  woman  can  thus  mold  her  young  lover,  how  much  a 
loving,  loved  ivife  her  husband  ! And  the  more  as  they  advance  in 
life  and  love  together.42  The  fact  is,  Nature  puts  unlimited  power 
into  a wife’s  hands  over  her  husband’s  character.  Let  another  anec- 
dote exemplify  how  much. 

On  examining  publicly  the  head  of  Mr.  Poindexter,  a prominent 
public  citizen  of  New  Orleans,  and  a brother  of  the  Mississippi  poli- 
tician of  that  name,  and  describing  him  as  idiotic  in  colors,  endowed 
with  commanding  talents,  and  downright  obstinate,  yet  so  devoted  to 
wife  that  she  could  turn  and  mold  as  she  pleased,  after  affirming  how 
utterly  blank  his  perception  of  colors,  he  related  the  following  anec- 
dote : 

“ Soon  after  my  marriage  I took  my  wife  on  a wedding  tour  to  New 


MOLDING  AND  IMPROVING  EACH  OTHER, 


415 


York.  Keaa  being  then  the  theatrical  star.  I had  purchased  tickets, 
telling  wife  I was  going  over  to  the  Long  Island  races,  should  return 
to  supper,  and  wished  her  to  be  all  ready  to  accompany  me  to  the 
theater. 

11  But  meeting  several  of  my  old  Virginia  college  classmates  at  the 
races,  dinner  was  proposed,  partly  in  honor  of  my  marriage,  at  which 
wine  was  ordered  freely,  and  instead  of  returning  at  six,  I was  helped 
home  gloriously  tight  at  eleven.  Expecting  a curtain  lecture,  and  alL 
fortified  with  so  good  an  excuse,  I pushed  up-stairs,  so  that  our  first 
u spat”  might  not  oceur  “ before  folks.”  My  wife  soon  followed,  and 
on  beholding  my  plight,  instead  of  reproaching  me,  said,  tenderly  : 

“ Husband,  I am  sorry  to  see  you  so  ill.” 

Why  don't  you  say  ‘ tight, 5 and  done  with  it?”  I replied,  crossly, 
determined  to  bring  the  scolding  right  on. 

c* 1 Perhaps  I can  relieve  you.  Let  me  try.5  And  administered  a 
plantation  dose,  used  in  like  cases.  I was  soon  sound  asleep.  As  wife 
sat  up  most  of  the  night  to  watch  over  and  wait  on  me,  I woke  first, 
and  re-providing  myself  with  excuses,  waited  till  she  awoke,  when  she 
said,  fondly: 

“ £ Husband,  I hope  you  are  better  this  morning.’ 

£<  i As  well  as  one  ought  to  be  who  went  to  bed  drunk,5  I replied, 
determined  to  bring  on  the  Caudling  then  and  there.  Several  times 
before,  and  right  after  breakfast,  I tried  to  edge  in  my  excuses,  but  she 
adroitly,  yet  pleasantly,  turned  the  conversation,  I meanwhile  defer- 
ring my  morning  cigar  till  I had  been  castigated  and  justified  myself. 
At  length,  thinking  the  storm  was  brewing  only  to  redouble  its  fury, 
I made  up  my  mind  to  wait  till  it  came,  and  waited  on  eighteen  years 
for  the  first  allusion  to  it,  and  then,  as  I was  reproaching  a man 
for  getting  drunk  so  soon  after  marrying  so  fine  a wife,  she  playfully 
remarked,  with  a roguish  twinkle  of  the  eye,  £ True,  but  you  are 
hardly  the  one  to  throw  the  first  stone.5 

u Meanwhile,  I thought  since  I had  a wife  who  could  put  up  with 
my  coming  home  drunk,  and  be  just  as  kind  and  fond  for  all.  even 
without  requiring  any  excuse,  or  allowing  me  to  humble  myself  by 
making  an  apology,  she  should  never  again  see  me  in  that  sorry  plight. 
And  I have  yet  to  taste  the  first  intoxicating  drop  since.  Her  course 
alone  saved  me  from  a drunkard’s  grave. 

£:  A few  years  afterward,  as  I had  ordered  my  horse  one  Sunday 
morning  for  a hunt — a common  practice  in  Mississippi  then — wife 
inquired,  pleasantly : 

11 : Husband,  do  you  suppose  our  Charley  knows  that  to-day  is  the 
Sabbath  V 


416 


MARRIED  LIFE. 


u I replied,  1 Oh.  no,  not  yet,  he  is  too  young  for  that;  but  let  us 
see.  Charley,  here — what  day  is  to-day  ?’ 

u 4 Why,  it?s  Sunday , father.  Do  you  think  I am  such  a fool  that 
I don’t  know  Sunday  ?’ 

u I ordered  my  horse  back,  and  have  never  hunted  of  a Sunday  since. 

In  numberless  like  ways  she  has  obviated  fault  after  fault,  and 
cultivated  virtue  after  virtue,  till  I can  say  meaningly  that  but  for 
her  I should  have  led  a life  far  below  that  i have  led.  Much  of  the 
good  in  me  which  my  fellow-men  admire  I owe  to  her.” 

He  continued : “ After  her  death  I went  to  live  with  a newly-mar- 
ried son  of  one  of  my  intimate  friends,  who  habitually  remained  out 
late  nights.  His  wife  feeling  awfully,  tried  to  prevent  his  going  out 
by  hiding,  now  hat,  then  boots,  in  order  to  compel  him  to  stay  at 
home.  But  he  soon -got  cap  and  shoe  he  could  put  in  his  pocket,  and 
go  and  come  when  he  pleased.  She  broke  her  troubles  to  me,  asking, 
Ci  L What  shall  I do  ?7 

“I  answered:  4 Take  my  shaving  water-heater,  and  when  he 
returns  to-night,  have  some  hot  coffee  all  ready,  and  as  you  hear  him 
coming  up  the  steps,  do  not  wait  till  he  becomes  impatient  by  trying 
to  get  in,  but  have  your  hand  on  the  door-knob  first,  and  open  it  to 
him,  receiving  him  just  as  pleasantly  as  if  all  were  right;  have  his 
warm  slippers  and  easy  chair  all  ready,  and  wait  on  him  fondly,  and 
to-morrow  evening  try  to  make  your  own  company  so  agreeable  that 
he  will  voluntarily  prefer  it  to  that  of  the  club-rooom  or  gambling- 
table,  and  keep  trying  this  card  till  it  wins.7 

u She  tried  it,  and  has  her  reward  in  his  seldom  going  abroad  nights, 
and  being  but  too  happy  in  her  company  to  even  want  to  spend  an 
evening  away  from  her.77 

Woman,  does  not  this  disclose  a certain  means  of  obviating  the 
errors  and  evolving  the  virtues  of  a faulty  husband  ? But,  mark — 
and  the  principle  is  as  necessary  as  sun  to  day — you  must  employ 
love^all  love,  and  nothing  but  love.  No  intercommingling  of  Combat- 
iveness. That  will  surely  spoil  all,  reverse  all.  Yet  there  are  few 
men  who  can  not  be  molded  by  like  means.  Ye  wives  whose  hus- 
bands are  either  faulty,  or  not  quite  as  perfect  as  you  would  wish, 
first  set  your  wits  at  work  to  devise  and  execute  some  plan  on  this 
general  principle,  the  details  of  which  are  adapted  to  your  husband’s 
special  ease.  Nor  be  too  soon  discouraged.  And  you  may,  indeed, 
require  to  throw  yourself  out  of  your  present  cross-grained  humor,  of 
which  hereafter. 

And  now,  good-in tentioned  wife,  one  word  to  you.  Not  at  all  that 
I would  heap  all  the  blame  or  labor  on  you,  but  only  point  out  a first 


MOLDING  AND  IMPROVING  EACH  OTHER. 


417 


duty  of  every  wife.  You  acknowledge  and  fulfill  your  duty  to  cook, 
make,  mend,  and  keep  house  for  him.  But  are  you  not  wholly  over- 
looking one  much  greater?  You  complain  that  he  has  this  bad,  and 
lacks  that  good  trait,  so  that  you  can  hardly  live  with  him.  Now, 
lies  not  the  fault  after  ail  mainly  in  yourself?  Have  you  not  both 
omitted  to  develop  his  virtues,  and  actually  magnified  his  faults? 
Compare  him  now  with  what  he  was  at  your  marriage.  Does  not  his 
entire  natural  language  bespeak  his  sad  deterioration?  Yret  is  it  not 
less  his  place  to  improve  himself  than  yours  to  improve  him?  Not 
but  that  he  should  also  improve  himself.  But  we  have  already 
proved  that  each  sex  should  bring  out  the  excellences  of  the  other.™ 
Not  that  you  should  neglect  your  own  happiness  or  self-improvement, 
but  that  perfecting  him  should  constitute  your  great  life-work.  And 
will  not  this  re-increase  your  own  happiness  even  more  than  his  ? 
Indeed,  what  could  render  you  prouder  or  happier  than  his  improve- 
ment ? Or  more  miserable  than  his  faults? 

Once  more.  How  much  native  talents  suppose  you  he  possesses, 
now  lying  dormant  for  want  of  your  molding  hand  ? And  which 
nothing  else  can  evolve  ? Suppose  a real  knowing  woman  had  taken 
him  in  hand  when  you  did,  and,  first  employing  all  those  little  charm- 
ing words  and  enamoring  ways  a Delilah  or  a coquette  often  employs 
wrongly,  to  polish  his  manners,  encourage  his  hopes,  inspirit  him  to 
effort,  guide  his  judgment — in  short,  exert  over  him  all  those  influ- 
ences Nature  ordains  a loved  and  knowing  female  shall  wield  over 
her  loving  consort — how  much  more  of  a man — more  polished,  accom- 
plished, good,  loving,  lovable,  moral,  and  every  way  more  desirable 
and  less  faulty — would  he  have  become  than  he  now  is  ! 

Or  perhaps  you  have  given  too  much  time  and  strength  to  children, 
family,  and  work  to  have  much  left  for  him.  Not  that  mothers 
should  neglect  children  for  husband,  but  that  they  might  be  quite  as 
well  off  with  less  of  your  feezing  and  fussing,  and  he  much  the  better 
with  more  of  your  affections. 

Or  perhaps  he  has  some  small  flaw,  which  you  ought  to  perceive 
and  mold  out,  yet  which  now  detracts  much  from  both  his  lovableness 
and  success.  Or,  he  may  need  encouraging,  the  inciting  to  trust  him- 
self, and  attempt  more  than  he  naturally  inclines  to.  Or  perhaps 
some  fault  of  yours — temper,  extravagance,  low  spirits,  nervousness, 
etc. — hangs  like  a millstone  about  his  neck,  or  drives  him  to  drink 
or  bad  company.  Perhaps  some  fault  which  neither  he  nor  you  fairly 
realize.  Suppose  you  look  around  and  ask  him — at  least  canvass  this 
matter. 

This  much  is  certain — Phrenology  vouches  for  it — that  men  are 

18*  ^ 


418 


MARRIED  LIFE. 


much  better,  more  gifted,  moral,  and  every  way  superior  in  head  than 
life ; that  many  are  like  California  gold  twenty  years  ago,  undiscovered, 
much  more  unmined  * and  that  if  woman  understood  and  practiced 
this  “knack”  of  persuading  men  from  evil  to  good,  we  should  have 
ten  times  more  nobleness,  masculinity,  goodness,  and  talents  in  men, 
and  less  animality  and  debasement,  than  now.  Come,  woman,  be 
persuaded  to  think  of  this  problem,  of  his  requisitions,  and  your  best 
way  of  developing  his  native  excellences,  and  obviating  his  faults. 

Instead,  this  art  of  arts  of  the  female  and  wife  is  almost  wholly 
overlooked  in  married  life.  How  surprising  that  a gift,  an  art,  a duty, 
thus  instinctive  and  indigenous  to  female  nature,  should  have  so  de- 
clined as  almost  completely  to  be  lost  sight  of ! And  how  many  of 
you,  now  that  it  is  stated,  can  recognize  your  first  yearnings  in  this 
direction,  but  long  since  choked  out  and  perished  ! 

But  has  man  nothing  to  do  to  develop  the  native  beauties  and 
capacities  of  his  wife’s  character?  Is  not  his  perfecting  duty  to  her 
quite  as  great  as  hers  to  him  ? Even  more  ? For  he  has  many  other 
means  of  self-development  than  she.  You  stern  and  dictatorial,  she 
submissive,  your  force  has  caused  her  fawn-like  heart  to  quiver, 
and  even  shudder,  at  your  stern  and  absolute  way  of  speaking.  Yet 
it  is  so  natural  to  you  as  to  have  escaped  your  notice,  but  has  broken 
down  her  spirit,  and  rendered  her  a tame  nonentity. 

Or  sick  children,  or  overwork,  or  an  unsatisfied  state  of  her  love,  or 
one  or  another  of  a thousand  causes  have  crushed  her  spirits  into 
the  dust.  Having  thus  lost  her  own  native  character,  she  can  not 
exert  over  you  a true  conjugal  influence,  so  that  you  likewise  suffer  as 
well  as  she.  To  reinforce  this  from  another  stand-point. 

104.  THE  DETERIORATIONS  OF  WEDLOCK. 

“ Every  horse  shows  his  keeping.” 

That  a right  state  of  love  is  well-nigh  omnipotent  to  build  up  and 
develop  the  entire  being,  while  a wrong  state  deteriorates  and  breaks 
down  all,  is  the  cardinal  doctrine  of  this  volume.  None — not  even 
those  spoiled  thereby — begin  to  estimate  its  potency .Secs- IL  and  m- 

But  marriage  is  the  very  ultimate  of  love.  Only  in  it  can  love  ever 
begin  to  wield  anything  like  its  legitimate  power  for  good  over  its 
willing  subjects.  Not  only  can  no  human  being  ever  be  developed, 
except  in  and  by  marriage,37  38  39  40  but  its  self-perfecting  power  equals 
all  its  power  for  good  over  its  participants. 

Therefore  marriage  only  should,  and  a true  marriage  necessarily 
will,  render  its  devotees  every  way  happier,  better,  and  more  perfect, 


THE  DETERIORATIONS  OF  WEDLOCK. 


419 


as  men  and  women  and  human  beings,  than  they  were  before,  or  could 
have  become  without  it.  How  much,  none  begin  to  imagine. 

But,  instead,  how  often  does  it  render  its  victims  only  ’worse,  and 
still  worse,  and  “that  continually!”  Compare  those  married,  as  a 
class,  with  those  unmarried.  Scrutinize  them  physically.  Behold 
how  fresh,  rosy,  sprightly,  healthful,  and  full  of  life-po’wer  the  un- 
married, but  how  deficient  the  married  ! They  ought  to  be  the  most 
healthy,  yet  are  the  most  sickly,  or  at  least  broken-down.  Compare 
our  brisk,  quick-motioned,  glowing,  ruddy  young  men  with  our 
mechanical,  plodding,  slow-molded  married  men.  The  married  are 
lean,  unless  too  fat.  How  spiritless  their  walk  and  entire  physical 
tone  and  aspect,  as  compared  with  those  of  the  single  ! 

But  old  bachelors  are  worse  than  either.  That  is,  they  have  degen- 
erated more  for  want  of  marriage,  than  the  married  by  it.  Yet  this 
renders  the  married  none  the  less  so. 

But  the  female  sex  furnishes  by  far  the  most  painful  examples  of 
this  deterioration.  And  it  is  appalling  I Just  compare  women  with 
girls,  and  if  you  do  not  weep  agonizing  tears  of  blood,  where  are  your 
eyes  and  heart  ? Notwithstanding  all  the  female  constitutions  broken 
down  by  our  female  “ semetaries,”50  compare  fresh,  blooming,  bright- 
eyed, plump,  luscious-cheeked,  sweet  sixteens  and  seventeen^  with  our 
dried-up,  broken-down,  wasted,  shrunken,  shriveled,  pale  invalids  of 
twenty-five  and  upward.  Compare  their  different  expressions  of  coun- 
tenance. That  of  girls,  how  pleasant  and  sparkling,  but  that  of  the 
married,  how  wo-begone  and  melancholy  I Compare  their  laughter. 
That  of  girls  how  easily  excited,  abundant,  and  bubbling  right  up 
from  warm,  merry  hearts  almost  perpetually,  while  that  of  the  mar- 
ried how  rare,  how  mechanical,  how  half-stifled,  as  if  both  incongru- 
ous, yet  ten  sighs  to  one  laugh  ! Compare  their  beauty.  The  aspect 
of  the  married  how  staid  and  forbidding — that  of  girls  how  inviting  ! 
The  countenances  of  married  women,  too — how  few  but  wear  a sol- 
emn, melancholy,  mournful,  dejected,  forlorn  expression,  most  painful 
in  contrast  with  virgin  pleasantness  ! Compare  their  manners.  Those 
of  maidens  how  attractive,  captivating,  and  all  their  little  w~ays  and 
actions  how  agreeable,  almost  fascinating,  while  those  of  the  married 
how  cold,  repellant,  dissatisfied,  and  often  really  ugly  ! Compare  their 
“natural  language”  and  general  looks  and  appearance. 

But  our  pen  falters.  Only  hearts  of  stone  but  must  melt  in  view 
of  this  painful  contrast!  Not  that  there  are  no  exceptions,  but  that 
the  most  pitiable  deterioration  and  awful  blight  hangs  over  them  as  a 
class.  How  great,  let  the  inner  consciousness  of  most  attest.  Com- 
pare, 0 man,  woman,  what  you  your  own  self  are  now.  with  what  you 


420 


MARRIED  LIFE. 


were  then.  True,  your  descensus  averni  may  have  been  so  gradual  as 
to  have  escaped  notice,  but,  taking  genuine  humanity  as  your  touch- 
stone standard,  have  you  not  deteriorated  most  amazingly  in  spirit,  in 
tone,  in  memory,  in  self-elevation,  in  ambition,  in  aims,  in  the  glow 
and  ecstasy  of  humanity,  in  everything?  Just  take  your  human 
capacities,  admeasurements,  now  and  then.  Have  you  not  descended 
so  rapidly  as  to  have  almost  fallen,  and  landed  in  the  ditch  ? Next, 
admeasure  those  of  your  consort.  Is  your  husband,  0 wife,  a tithe 
as  spruce,  as  lively,  as  blithe  in  manners,  as  genteel,  as  noble,  as  aspir- 
ing, as  quick-witted  or  smart,  or  any  way  the  man  now  as  then  ? Or 
is  your  wife,  0 husband,  one  tenth  as  loving,  lovely,  gay,  happy, 
tasty,  charming,  or  any  way  the  woman  now  she  was  then  ? More. 
Besides  merely  declining,  has  she  not  actually  become  perverted? 
Then  so  patient,  now  how  crusty  ! Then  so  kind,  but  now  how  ill- 
natured  ! Then  how  altogether  lovely,  now  how  perhaps  altogether 
hateful ! Words  utterly  fail  to  depict  the  difference.  True,  this 
change  may  be  caused  in  part  by  the  different  optics  through  which 
you  view  him  or  her,46  yet  how  great  the  per  se  deterioration  and 
perversion  ! 

And  all  notwithstanding  that  marriage  not  only  naturally  promotes 
neither,  but  is  specifically  designed  and  adapted  to  improve  you  both 
in  every  single  aspect ! And  when,  besides,  this  improvement  is  so 
infinitely  desirable,  verily  Denmark  not  only  has  its  rotten  spot, 
but  is  nearly  all  rotten.  Nor  is  it  much  wonder  that  many  a warm- 
hearted, clear-headed  old  bachelor  and  maid,  seeing  these  appalling 
results  of  marriage,  notwithstanding  their  own  intense  heart-yearn- 
ings after  a congenial  mate,  shrink  from  it  as  from  signing  their  own 
death-warrant,  or  burying  themselves  alive.  Really  the  truth  may 
hardly  be  told  on  this  point,  lest  all,  in  sheer  self-preservation,  prefer 
all  the  slow  starvation  of  celibacy40  to  the  even  greater  evils  of  wed- 
lock. Husband  and  wife,  you  can  illy  afford  this  deterioration  of 
either  yourself  or  conjugal  mate.  You  could  far  better  afford  to  lose 
all  your  property,  down  to  your  household  furniture,  even  to  your 
right  hand  and  eye.  But  really  all  this  sacrifice  you  can  not  afford." 
Self-impairment  is  but  the  loss  of  self,  than  which  better  lose  all 
else  terrestrial.  And  the  loss  of  the  true  human  excellences  of  a con- 
jugal partner  is  hardly  less.  Oh  ! rich  and  poor,  one  and  all,  these 
losses  you  really  can  not  afford.  By  all  that  is  sacred  in  human  life 
you  should  provide  against  them,  or,  once  incurred,  let  their  restoration 
by  all  means  take  precedence  over  everything  else.  Could  a poor  car- 
man, whose  noble  horse  helps  him  earn  his  own  and  his  darlings7 
bread  and  shelter,  afford  to  see  him  run  down,  become  barely  able  to 


THE  DETERIORATIONS  OF  WEDLOCK, 


421 


drag  himself  about,  perhaps  die  ? Yet,  by  all  the  value  of  that  hus- 
band or  wife  over  that  horse,  is  this  comparison  inadequate. 

And  as  far  as  restoration  is  possible,  by  all  that  is  sacred  or  valu- 
able in  human  life,  is  his  or  her  re-improvement  desirable,  and  to  be 
effected,  at  whatever  sacrifice.  Restore  your  declining  wife  or  husband , 
at  whatever  expenditure  of  time,  of  dollars,  of  everything  promotive 
thereof.  The  best  investment  of  your  life.  You  who  have  lost  a 
valuable  wife  or  husband  alone  know  how  great  that  loss,  yet  is  not 
a decline  in  them  a proportionate  loss,  and  to  be  forestalled  ? 

“ But  how  ? You  actually  frighten  me.  I have  long  seen  my  bosom 
companion  lose  this  excellence,  and  increase  that  fault,  running  down 
in  health,  in  spirits,  in  ambition,  in  memory,  in  liveliness,  indeed 
throughout,  and  just  now  see  the  sword  hanging  right  over  my  head, 
suspended  only  by  a hair.  How  can  I escape  my  impending  doom?” 

Ascertain  and  obviate  its  causes.  As  u misfortune  rarely  comes 
single-handed,”  this  decline  doubtless  has  several.  They  may  be 
little  suspected,  even  by  their  pitiable  victim,  yet  are  just  as  real  and 
deadly  for  all.  Or  may  be  buried  away  down  in  the  deepest  recesses 
of  the  heart,  under  the  dire  resolve — **  Declare  my  fatal  secret, 
never  ! I will  die  game  !”  And  these  internal  cancers  are  the  most 
fatal.  “ I am  dying  for  want  of  some  sympathizing  friend  to  whom 
to  tell  my  trouble.  And  telling  would  so  relieve.  But  I will  die 
sooner  than  disclose.” 

Yet  a kind,  fond,  tender,  sympathizing  tone  and  manner  would  first 
soften,  and  then  extract  the  fatal  thorn,  and  thereby  restore.  Make 
each  other  perfe^T  confidants.  Or  it  may  have  been  caused  by  exces- 
sive and  protracted  labor — perpetual  cares-  of  business  or  family. 
Your  husband  may  be  borne  down  with  debt,  or  business  vexations,  or 
rendered  heart-sick  by  u hope  deferred.”  Or  his  stamina  may  be  giving 
way,  which  your  sympathy  or  co-operation  might  restore,  or  greatly 
alleviate.  Or  your  wife  may  have  become  completely  drained  of  her 
vital  energies  by  maternal  exhaustion,  or  sleepless  vigils  over  invalid 
children,  or  perpetual  nursery  exertions  of  every  kind,  superadded  to 
perpetual  daily  family  toils,  without  one  diverting  event  to  vary  that 
eternal  monotony  of  her  hourly,  yearly  task,  which  is  crushing  her  by 
its  bark-mill  perpetuity.  One  dead  drag,  drag,  drag  from  year  to  year. 
Or  her  Order,  or  economy,  or  false  fears,  or  one  or  another  excessive 
faculty — what  if  they  are  foolish  ? — have  broken  her  completely  down, 
and  rendered  her  a mere  wreck  of  what  she  once  was.  Or,  more 
likely,  she  may  have  lost  the  very  chit  of  her  being — her  life-motive 
— and  fallen  back,  virtually  paralyzed  in  spirit,  trying,  indeed,  to  do 
her  duty,  but  hardly  caring  whether  she  Jives  or  dies.  Or  perhaps 


422 


MARRIED  LIFE. 


your  stern,  authoritative,  imperious  manner  of  speaking  to  her — un- 
noticed by  you  because  natural,  or  induced  by  your  attempting  to  drive 
business  or  help — has  crushed  her  spirit.  At  first  her  fawn-like 
timidity  trembled  and  wept,  till  she  at  length,  yielding  like  the  tall 
sapling  loaded  with  snow,  and  bending  gradually  before  the  northwest 
blast,  it  has  become  bent  clear  down  to  the  ground^  and  kept  there  till 
a fixed  position  prevents  its  rising.  Or  your  prolonged  indifference87  08 
may  have  quenched  her  last  cherished  hope  of  obtaining  your  satisfied 
love,  and  left  her  virtually  heart-broken,48  yet  all  the  more  hopeless, 
because  marriage  precludes  all  other  love.  Or  whatever  these 
wife-crushing  influences  may  be,  ferret  them  out.  If  she  refuses  to 
declare  by  speech,  she  proclaims  them  in  action  and  natural  language, 
enough  for  you  to  perceive  them.  Perhaps,  probably,  you  induced 
them.  Unwittingly,  indeed,  but  really.  And  alone  can  remove. 

But  be  it  what  it  may,  in  the  name  of  crushed  and  bleeding  human- 
ity, in  the  name  of  her  w'ounded  angel-spirit,83  in  the  name  of  your 
own  impaired  happiness,  so  entwined  with  hers,  raise  up  that  drooping 
head.  Press  it  to  your  manly  breast,  and  let  it  rest  there,  while  you 
stroke  her  beating  temples  and  soothe  her  troubled  soul.  Love  her 
into  a lovely,  loving  mood.  Revive  that  crest-fallen  spirit.  Speak 
never  harshly,  but  only  tenderly,  as  love  always  speaks.  Re-tune  that 
unstrung  bow  by  the  tenderest  wooings  of  your  early  love.  Instead 
of  scolding,  pity  her  that  she  is  this,  or  is  not  that.  Perhaps 
your  eternal  fault-finding  has  crushed  her  thus.  More  likely  her  ex- 
cessive devotion  to  you  and  your  children.  Her  very  goodness  may 
have  rendered  her  almost  good  for  nothing,  till  restored.  Oh  ! do  not 
re-break  that  “ broken  reed.’7  Instead,  u quench  that  smoking  flax.77 
She  is  sick  in  spirit,  and  needs  cosseting.  Merely  your  sympathy 
may  suffice.  Or  she  may  require  a play  spell.  Or  her  disordered 
nerves  may  have  rendered  her  peevish  or  discouraged.  Probably  the 
only  required  restorative  is  the  anodyne  of  uxoriousness.  Wives  are 
oftener  sick  at  heart  than  anywhere  else,  while  affection  is  their 
only  required  restorative.  And  its  bestowal  is  so  grateful.  Its  resto- 
ration so  magical.  And  so  easy  with  all.  Just  try  its  power.  Most 
wives  have  a world  of  trouble,  real  or  imaginary — and  the  imaginary 
is  as  real  to  them  as  if  real — with  which  to  contend,  and  are  a thou- 
sand times  more  to  be  pitied  than  blamed.  All  their  apparent  depravi- 
ties are  often  deserving  as  much  of  pity,  and  as  little  of  blame,  as  the 
ravings  of  madmen — are  veritable  delirium  tremens,  and  though 
seeming  to  you  utterly  groundless  and  inexcusable,  are  really  as  genu- 
ine to  them  and  as  pitiable  as  the  imaginary  horrors  of  the  nightmare. 
We  little  realize  how  pitiable,  how  entitled  to  commiseration  and  par- 


THE  DETERIORATIONS  OF  WEDLOCK. 


423 


don  the  great  majority  of  wives,  though  to  us  seemingly  without  one 
cause  of  unhappiness,  and  surrounded  with  all  that  heart  could  wish. 
Let  their  glasses  once  form  your  optics,  and  the  view  changes.  As 
your  horse  is  as  virtually  frightened  by  seeing  a buffalo  skin  as  it 
would  be  by  seeing  a live  buffalo,  so  our  wives  are  often  rendered 
beside  themselves  by  some  very  scare-crow  sight,  as  terrible  to  them 
as  if  a lion  crouched  in  their  path,  and  growled  and  threatened  to 
spring  on  them. 

The  fact  is,  most* of  our  women  are  sickly — rendered  so  by  no  fault 
of  theirs,  but  by  the  customs  of  society — customs  imposed  on  them 
mainly  by  man,  and  therefore  nervous,  frigid,  fretful,  and  puling. 
Nor  is  there  any  curing  their  mental  characteristics  without  first 
curing  their  physical  cause.  Be  she  however  perfect  naturally,  she 
wears  or  rusts  out  unless  sustained  by  love,  while  a commonplace 
woman  becomes  lovely  when  loved.  Love  redoubles  all  her  virtues,  but 
obviates  all  her  faults.  Yet  reverse  her  love,  and  you  reverse,  spoil 
all,  rendering  the  very  lovely  hateful,  the  lively  sad,  the  bright  dull, 
the  smart  girls  good  for  nothing,  however  good,  the  virtuous  vicious, 
and  throw  all  the  faculties  into  their  painful,  sinful  state.  And,  oh  ! 
how  many  such  ! 

And  wife,  allow  yourself  to  be  loved,  restored.  ‘-Who  would  be 
free,  himself  must  strike  the  blow.”  In  short,  both  must  cherish  your 
own,  and  each  other’s  affections,  as  the  only  true  way  by  which  to 
prevent  and  restore  this  deterioration. 

Yet,  oh  ! husband,  learn  this  twice-reiterated  great  practical  truth  in  ' 
the  natural  history  of  the  female  sex,  that  affection  is  the  only  key  of 
her  character  : that  a happy  state  of  her  love  re-enhances  all  her  vir- 
tues, while  its  dissatisfied  state  redoubles  tenfold  all  her  faults,  dis- 
torts her  views  of  everything,  smothers  her  very  virtues,  and  spoils 
her,  physically  and  mentally,  from  cradle  to  grave.  Your  love  is  her 
nervous  panacea,  and  caresses  from  you  are  as  much  her  daily  spirit 
staff  of  life  as  bread  of  body.  Yet  how  many  starve  on  year  by  year, 
till  they  starve  out  and  perish,  because  unloving  and  unloved  !97  98 

And, 'husband,  should  you  not  feel  guilty  that  that  once  loving, 
charming  woman  has  declined  thus  on  your  hands?  If  she  had  only 
been  a horse,  she  would  not;  for  you  would  have  seen  and  forestalled 
its  very  commencement.  All  humanity  is  too  sacred  to  be  spoiled 
thus;  much  more  conjugal.  If  you  have  allowed  half  of  her  good 
traits  to  die,  you  have  allowed  her  to  be  half  killed,  and  are  there- 
fore guilty.  Equally  so  if  you  have  allowed  her  excellences  to 
become  perverted. 

Be  persuaded,  then,  0 husband,  0 wife,  by  all  the  power  of  a per- 


424 


MARRIED  LIFE. 


feet  love,  superadded  to  conjugal,  to  allow  your  conjugal  partner  to 
run  down  no  more,  but  both  to  address  yourselves  to  the  improvement 
of  each  other  in  real  earnest,  and  with  a zeal  worthy  the  end  sought 

105.  SELF-IMPROVING  HUSBANDS  AND  WIVES. 

All  nature  is  progressive.  Onward,  upward,  excelsior , is  her  univer- 
sal motto.  And  this  law  also  appertains  to  conjugal  affection.42  Yet 
love  must  have  its  fuel , else  jt  dies.98  99  Of  course  this  food  must 
also  be  progressive.  Young  lovers  find  much  to  awaken  admiration 
and  enkindle  love ; yet  as  nothing  should  ever  remain  stationary,  or 
retrograde,  so  love  fulfills  its  perfect  mission  only  when  it  re-increases 
with  every  succeeding  year  and  day  of  life.42 

But  in  order  thereto,  its  object  must  perpetually  redouble  its  loveli- 
ness. True,  a progressive  knowledge  of  each  other’s  excellences  may 
perpetually  redouble  their  admiration,  and  therefore  love  ;72  but  they 
once  fully  ascertained,  it  becomes  stationary,  unless  the  progress  of 
the  one  loved  redoubles  that  of  the  loving. 

And  this  is  due  from  and  to  each,  as  well  as  self.  As  none  should 
ever  be  satisfied  without  becoming  better  after  rising  and  before  retir- 
ing, so  neither  husbands  nor  wives  should  ever  be  content  without 
improving  themselves  daily  in  each  other’s  eyes.  On  her  husband’s 
every  return  home  from  business,  his  fond  wife  should  have  some 
newly- achieved  progress  to  show  him — some  new  work  begun,  or  old 
one  furthered  or  completed ; some  new  piece  of  music  commenced,  or 
former  one  perfected  : something  bettered  in  head-work,  hand- work,  or 
heart- work,  with  which  to  re-delight  her  admirer. 

And  he,  too,  should  be  able  to  u report  progress”  in  business,  in 
plans,  in  whatever  he  engages,  but  above  all  in  himself  And  how 
inexpressibly  delightful  to  both  this  perpetual  re-improvement;  yet 
painful  its  converse  ! But  surely  we  need  not  reinforce  its  desirable- 
ness. Then  what  is  its  one  greatest  instrumentality  ? 

Personal  effort.  Personality  is  a natural  law.  And  as  each 
must  eat,  breathe,  move,  live,  and  die  in  person , so,  while  husbands 
and  wives  should  assiduously  improve  each  other,  yet  the  helped 
should  also  help  themselves,  else  the  other’s  efforts  become  nugatory. 
Passivity  forestalls  progress.  Only  active  participancy  avails.  To 
illustrate  : 

A young  wife  is  unskilled  in  cookery.  Her  husband  desires  her  to 
learn  this  art.  He  should  first  inspire  her  to  learn  by  telling  her 
encouragingly  how  pleased  he  would  be  if  she  learned,  how  far  she 
has  succeeded,  and  wherein  she  can  re-improve.  Yet  her  own  effort 
is  the  main  agent  required.  All  progress  inheres  in  her  co-operatibn. 


SHAKING  EVERYTHING  TOGETHER. 


425 


And  how  right  heartily  should  she  put  her  own  u hands  to  the 
plow  !” 

Or,  he  chews  or  smokes  tobacco.  She  says : 

” My  George,  though  I love  you  now,  yet  how  much  better  if  you 
would  only  quit  using  that  poisonous  narcotic  !” 

He  replies : “ My  dear,  I love  you  devotedly,  and  desire  above  all 
things  to  be  beloved  in  return.  Then,  since  my  abandoning  this  habit 
will  enhance  your  love  for  me  and  please  you,  I will  try  to  quit  it. 
The  trial  may  be  severe,  but  your  encouragement  and  moral  support 
will  lighten  it.” 

u Yes,  my  George,  when  you  feel  tempted,  just  think  how  much  your 
resistance  will  delight  me,  and  that  my  spirit  is  with  you  to  help  you.” 

The  great  promoter  of  all  life  reforms  and  improvements  is  will - 
power.  True,  she  can  tone  up  his  will,  but  “ the  gods  help  only  those 
who  help  themselves  ” By  all  the  love  each  bears  the  other  will  each 
involuntarily,  and  should  each  laboriously  strive  to,  render  self  more 
and  still  more  perfect,  that  each  may  redouble  the  other’s  love. 

And  is  not  this  their  manifest  duty?  We  instinctively  look  for  re- 
doubling value  in  all  we  possess.  Much  more,  in  so  valuable  a pos- 
session. And  does  not  the  one  who  allows  him  or  herself  to  decline 
after  marriage,  perpetrate  an  unmitigated  wrong  on  the  other,  as  a 
husband  who  drinks  a little  at  marriage,  but  more  after  it,  or  a wife 
who,  amiable  at  marriage,  becomes  a scold  after  it?  True,  both 
u promise  to  take  for  better  or  for  worse,”  but  neither  once  thinks  of 
the  a worse”  part. 

Husbands,  wives,  old  and  young,  please  lay  this  unction  to  your 
own  hearts.  Are  you  better  or  worse  now  than  at  your  marriage,  or 
than  your  companion  was  led  to  suppose  you  were?  And  will  you 
not,  one  and  all,  begin  again  right  here  now  to  just  try  and  see  how 
much  you  can  enhance  your  own  merits,  as  the  only  true  way  to  sat- 
isfy and  redouble  the  other’s  love  ? And  make  up  for  any  past  delin- 
quencies by  redoubled  efforts  in  future  ? And  how  inexpressibly  glori- 
ous to  both  the  results,  far  on  in  the  future  of  life,  of  such  a course  ! 
Make  them  yours,  0 reader  ! 

106.  SHARING  EVERYTHING  TOGETHER. 

Mutuality  is  the  first  function  of  love.  When  perfect,  it  is  like 
<c  two  drops  of  water  which  can  not  be  separated,”  all  the  particles 
of  each  intermingling  whth  all  those  of  the  other.  This  sharing  is  the 
very  spirit  and  essence  of  marriage.  Its  rationale  and  only  primary 
object  both  requires  it,  and  renders  it  an  indispensability.6  Without 
it  the  only  end  of  the  sexuality  .and  of  all  love  becomes  a nullity 


426 


MARRIED  LIFE. 


Please  bear  in  mind  that  analysis  of  love  and  marriage  already 
given.5  6 and  learn  therefrom  the  philosophical  necessity  in  which  this 
community  of  everything  inheres. 

Recall,  also,  ye  who  have  ever  loved,  its  one  strongest  desire  and 
prompting — namely,  for  the  intermingling  of  all  your  thought,  feelings, 
actions,  interests,  everything.  You  desired  to  be  always  together. 
When  one  went  to  picnic  or  party,  both  must  go.  What  either  knows, 
the  other  too  must  know.  What  either  has  belongs  as  much  by  com- 
mon consent  to  the  other  as  to  its  possessor.  They  halve  everything 
and  share  all  in  common.  They  can  not  live  without  this  mutuality. 
The  more  they  love  the  more  they  experience  of  this  community  in 
everything.  Indeed,  this  oneness  is  love  and  marriage.6  82 

Behold,  once  more,  those  mated  birds.  When  one  hops,  the  other 
hops  too,  and  in  the  same  direction.  When  and  whither  one  flies, 
then  and  thither  the  other  also  flies.  Wherever  one  lights,  there  the  other 
also  lights.  And  on  the  same  bough  of  the  same  tree.  What  one  eats, 
that  the  other  likewise  eats  ; and  when  one  sings,  both  sing  together. 
This  mutuality  is  equally  true  of  all  other  mating  animals,  of  which 
deer,  lion,  tiger,  etc.,  furnish  illustrations.  All  animals  that  mate 
are  always  together. 

By  virtue  of  this  law  it  is  that  loving  wives  often  wait  till  their 
dinners  become  cold,  preferring  to  eat  them  cold  with  loved  husband 
to  eating  them  warm  alone.  The  loved  husband  also  neglects  or  hur- 
ries important  business  in  order  to  hasten  home  to  a seasonable  din- 
ner. How  often,  when  fond  wives  are  invited  to  a ride,  or  party,  or 
amusement  of  any  kind,  do  they  prefer  not  to  go  at  all  when  they 
can  not  accompany  husband,  because  they  can  enjoy  nothing  without 
him.  Is  it  not  strange  that  when  she  can  just  as  well  go  as  not,  and 
desires  to  go  desperately,  she  should  positively  decline,  however  much 
urged,  even  by  husband,  simply  because  she  instinctively  feels  that  it 
would  be  worthless  to  her  without  sharing  it  with  him.  A young 
wife  once  cried  as  if  her  heart  would  break,  just  because  her  husband 
had  obtained  a phrenological  delineation  alone,  without  inviting  her 
also,  thereby  evincing  this  first  and  highest  attestation  of  a genuine 
love.  This  probably  offended  him,  yet  was  true  conjugality  in  her. 
Please  analyze,  all  ye  who  have  experienced  this  divine  sentiment,  its 
first  instinctive  workings,  and  attest  whether  we  are  not  expounding 
its  very  tap-root.  Did  you  not  feel  as  if  you  had  given  off  a part  of 
your  own  very  self,  yet  taken  on  a part  of  your  loved  one’s  very 
being  ? That  you  desired  to  live  only  in,  and  for , and  with  each 
other  ? That  to  be  separated  was  like  tearing  your  very  self  in 
twain  ? 


SHARING  EVERYTHING  TOGETHER. 


427 


Moreover,  the  very  pleasures  of  wedlock  cluster  around  and  de- 
pend upon  this  very  sharing.  Let  each  take  a given  walk,  ride,  or 
pleasure  of  any  kind  separately,  and  measure  its  happiness.  Then 
share  these  same  pleasures  in  the  spirit  of  affection  'with  the  one  you 
love.  Does  not  this  sharing  redouble  its  pleasures  many  times  ? No  old 
bachelor  or  dissatisfied  husband,  none  who  have  no  woman  with  whom 
to  enjoy  life’s  luxuries  do,  can,  ought  to  enjoy  much  of  this  world’s 
pleasures.  Let  him  he  escorted  by  the  finest  livery,  served  by  the 
most  servile  servant,  feast  on  earth’s  choicest  dainties,  drink  her  cost- 
liest viands,  engage  in  labors  intrinsically  delightful,.  and  have  every- 
thing, even  all  things  heart  can  wish ; as  well  ride  on  an  ox-cart, 
eat  chips,  drink  dish-water,  or  work  the  tread-mill,  as  far  as  luxuries 
are  concerned.  Unless  a loved  woman  helps  him  enjoy  all,  accom- 
plish all,  he  can  enjoy  little,  accomplish  little,  and  is  almost  a non- 
entity. But,  shared  by  a loving  woman,  prisons  become  palaces, 
tasks,  pleasures,  and  all  things  delightful.  True,  a young  man  who 
knows  little  of  the  luxuries  of  this  feminine  sharing,  in  eating, 'talk- 
ing, walking,  etc.,  may  think  he  enjoys  much.  But  let  him  wait  till 
a rich  experience  has  taught  him  the  luxuries  of  this  sharing,  and  he 
will,  on  returning  to  former  lonely  habits,  involuntarily  exclaim, 
“ How  insipid  !” 

And  this  is  doubly  true  of  woman.  Let  her  who  has  no  masculine 
to  love  or  share  with,  dress  however  gayly,  or  sing  however  much  or 
sweetly,  or  do  or  be  whatever  else  she  pleases,  no  life-pleasures  really 
count  unless  shared  with  him  she  loves.  Enjoying  alone  is  like  talk- 
ing to  one’s  self — probably  better  than  nothing — but  how  spiritless 
when  compared  with  that  intermingling  here  urged  ! Most  insipid 
that  life,  that  anything,  everything,  not  thus  shared  ! And  most  pit- 
iable those,  married  or  single,  who  do  not  thus  share.40  But  give  it  to 
me  to  make  her  whom  I have  chosen,  and  who  has  chosen  me  to  a 
boon,  life-companionship,  my  privy  counselor  in  everything — to  con- 
fer with  her  as  to  what  to  do,  and  how  to  do  it,  and  become  as  my 
u Aaron  and  Hur,  to  hold  up  my  hands,”  and  encourage  my  heart,  to 
go  with  me  where  I must  go,  and  stay  with  me  where  I stay,  as  well 
as  help  me  do  what  I must  do,  and  to  enjoy  everything  in  life  to- 
gether. “ And  in  death  let  us  not  be  divided.” 

Of  course  the  more  perfectly  those  who  are  married  can  establish 
this  sharing  in  all  the  other  relations  of  life,  the  more  perfect  their 
love,  marriage,  and  offspring.6  72  And  any  failure  in  other  respects 
will  be  a failure  in  this,  the  heart’s  core  of  marriage.  To  detail. 


42B 


MARRIED  LIFE. 


SHARING  PECUNIARY  INTERESTS  AND  PURSE. 

Many  husbands  are  accustomed  to  give  their  wives  about  so  much 
money  about  so  often,  as  theirs  to  do  with  and  get  what  they  like  for 
themselves  or  family.  But  is  this  the  true  conjugal  course  ? Be  it 
that  they  are  even  liberal,  it  separates  those  pecuniary  interests  which 
ought  to  be  in  common.  Does  she  not  help  make  money  in  her  way 
as  much  as  you  in  yours  ? And  are  not  her  struggles,  at  least  in 
the  family,  quite  as  heroic  and  perpetual  as  yours  in  your  business  ? 
Then  are  not  your  earnings  common  property  ? And  should  they  not 
be  so  regarded  and  used  ? Should  she  not  go  to  the  purse  as  freely 
as  you  ? 

u But  she  would  then  break  me  in  a month.77 

Then  she  is  not  your  veritable  wife.  For  if  she  were,  she  would 
not  want  this  dress  or  that  luxury  unless  she  knew  either  that  you 
had  seen  or  liked  it,  or  else  bad  that  perfect  confidence  in  her  judg- 
ment which  satisfies  you  she  would  not  want  what  was  not  best. 
This  separation  of  pecuniary  interests  is  one  of  the  most  fatal  errors 
of  wedlock,  because,  by  inducing  a practical  business  divorce,  it  ini- 
tiates a divorce  in  all  their  other  interests  and  feelings.  In  business 
as  in  everything  else  it  is  ordained  that  the  husband  and  wife  should 
plan  together,  work  together,  and  be  interested  together  in  whatever 
interests  either. 

“ But  woman  has  no  business  tact,  judgment,  or  capacity.77 

That  she  too  often  has  not,  is  admitted.  Yet  it  is  mainly  because 
she  has  not  been  trained.  Admitted  that  she  has  not  man’s  planning 
powers  to  forecast  results,  or  method,  or  mathematical  gift,  yet  she 
has  more  tact  and  intuition  than  man,  as  well  as  a nicer  sense  of  per 
se  right — one  of  the  most  important  instrumentalities  of  ultimate  busi- 
ness success ; for  wrong  not  only  can  not  finally  prosper,  but  destroys 
itself. 

Moreover,  every  masculine  mind  requires  to  be  united  with  the 
feminine  in  order  to  take  a correct  view  of  anything.  Man  looks,  can 
look  at  things  only  from  the  masculine  stand-point,  and  woman  only 
from  the  feminine,  so  that  neither  can  take  a complete  view  of  any- 
thing except  in  and  by  uniting  their  views,  by  which  each  completes 
that  of  the  other. 

Besides,  u in  the  multitude  of  counsel  there  is  safety.77  All  need 
advice  in  most  things,  and  who  as  proper  to  give  it  as  a wife  or  hus- 
band ? By  presupposition  you  are  the  most  deeply  interested  in  each 
other’s  welfare,  and  this  is  everything  in  a counselor.  And  what  an 
indescribable  pleasure  to  both,  but  most  «.o  her,  to  talk  over  plans  and 


SHARING  PECUNIARY  INTERESTS  AND  PURSE. 


429 


prospects,  and  muse  together  on  prospective  eventualities  ? The  mere 
pleasure  of  the  conference  doubly  repays  its  trouble.  And  what  a lux- 
ury to  her  to  be  consulted  ! It  gratifies  her  Benevolence  that  she  can 
be  of  service,  her  pride  that  she  is  duly  esteemed,  and  renders  her  a 
u help-meet  for  requiring  of  her  to  help  carry  out  your  plans — the 
very  office  of  a wife— gives  her  a right  to  have  some  say  as  to  what  she 
shall  help  accomplish. 

This  “Woman’s  Rights”  idea  that  a wife  should  have  some  self- 
supporting  business  by  which  to  earn  her  own  pin-money,  is  wrong, 
because  based  on  the  false  idea  that  her  interests  are  separate  from 
his,  and  that  each  should  be  independent  of  the  other,  whereas  the 
true  conjugal  idea  is  that  both  should  be  mutually  dependent  on  each 
other.  As  marriage  too  often  is,  she  greatly  needs  this  self-support- 
ing independence.  Yet  not  as  it  should  be.  When  he  grudges  her 
every  dollar,  keeps  her  on  the  shortest  allowance,  or  berates  her  for 
spending  his  money  this  way  or  that,  they  had  better  obtain  a divorce 
in  everything  else  as  well  as  in  pecuniary  matters.  Yet  we  are  not 
now  giving  directions  in  cases  of  wrong  marriage,  but  presupposing  a 
right. 

Moreover,  a wife  ought  to  know  all  about  her  husband’s  business. 
Instead,  many  husbands  go  on  from  year  to  year  to  do  and  operate  in 
and  of  themselves,  without  telling  their  wives  one  word  about  their 
affairs.  u I know  no  more  about  my  husband’s  business  than  the 
dead,”  is  a common  saying  of  wives.  But  is  this  conjugal  ? Has  not 
a wife  a right  to  know  ? Does  not  both  duty  and  policy  require  it  ? 

11  But  if  my  wife  knew  all  about  my  affairs,  business  secrets  in- 
cluded, her  long  tongue  would  disclose  some  fatal  secret,  the  knowl- 
edge of  which  would  prove  my  ruin  !” 

Instead,  if  she  has  a personal  interest  in  keeping  the  secret,  she  will 
not  only  keep  it,  but  put  others  on  the  wrong  track.  Let  a knowing 
woman  alone  for  both  keeping  dark,  and  hiding  your  “ fatal  secrets”  in 
utter  impenetrability.  And  when  you  have  anything  to  do  requiring 
the  utmost  of  art,  policy,  management,  and  even  downright  intrigue, 
you  require  an  interested  woman’s  head  and  hand  in  its  device  and  ex- 
ecution. Nor  are  many  men  fit  to  manage  anything  intricate  or  com- 
plicated without  feminine  co-operation.  At  least,  any  man  will 
prosper  all  the  better  for  calling  in  the  aid  of  his  wife  in  his  business 
operations. 

The  merchants  of  Philadelphia  are  pre-eminently  successful,  doubt- 
less partly  because  many  of  their  stores  are  in  their  dwellings,  so  that 
when  obliged  to  be  absent,  wife  or  daughter  takes  the  place  of  hus- 
band or  father.  They  also  employ  many  female  clerks. 


430 


MARRIED  LIFE. 


But  Napoleon  Bonaparte  probably  furnishes  the  best  illustration,  on 
the  largest  scale,  of  the  u aid  and  comfort”  rendered  by  a true  wife. 
Josephine  was  indeed  a magnificent  woman.  She  accompanied  her 
husband  wherever  she  could,  and  was  his  chief  privy  counselor  in 
everything.  Colonel  Lehmanouski,  a Pole,  who  entered  the  military 
academy  with  him,  fought  one  hundred  and  seven  battles  under  him, 
was  his  body  servant,  and  knew  all  about  his  family  secrets,  in  a lec- 
ture on  Josephine,  one  of  a course  on  Bonaparte,  declared  u that  his 
success  was  due  as  much  to  her  as  him  ; that  he  was  often  rash  in  his 
boldness;  that  he  would  sometimes  devise  some  plans  sure  to  cause 
defeat ; that  the  remonstrances  of  all  his  generals  and  staff  had  no  effect 
on  him  ; and  that  he  never  finally  acted  on  any  measure  till  he  had  first 
submitted  his  plans  to  her  ; that  her  quick  instincts  'would  see  and 
point  out  any  defects,  which  he  would  perceive  and  obviate ; that 
when  his  army  knew  that  she  had  approved  any  measure,  they  were 
sure  of  its  feasibility  and  success;  that  his  downfall  was  induced  by 
his  divorce  ; that,  partially  prevented,  by  his  new  wife’s  jealousy,  from 
visiting  her  often,  and  out  from  under  her  influence,  he  planned  his 
expedition  to  Russia  without  her  full  sanction  ; that  she  advised  his 
wintering  in  Poland,  and  getting  fully  prepared  to  strike  a terrible 
blow  in  the  spring  ; that  when  on  his  lone  isle,  he  regretted  his  divorce 
as  the  one  fatal  error  of  his  life,  saying,  1 If  I had  only  clung  to  Jose- 
phine, and  taken  her  advice,  I should  now  have  governed  Europe.’  ” 
And  he  would.  A woman’s  co-operation  is  as  indispensable  to  a man’s 
success  as  blood  to  life.  And  those  who  have  none,  are  only  li  cold- 
blooded animals,”  unable  to  effect  much,  except  under  the  warm  sun 
of  prosperous  circumstances. 

Soon  after  the  Canadian  rebellion,  all  Canada  was  convulsed  with 
a proposition  to  unite  church  and  state,  as  in  the  mother  country — a 
most  unpopular  measure,  especially  with  the  masses,  but  almost  car- 
ried by  a series  of  most  powerful  articles  in  its  favor  which  kept  com- 
ing out  in  the  Pilot. , the  efficiency  of  which  was  due  to  this  circum- 
stance : their  author  was  a man  of  powerful  genius,  but  full  of  those 
rough  corners  and  glaring  imperfections  calculated  to  endanger  his 
cause.  But  his  wife,  an  eminently  gifted  and  literary  woman,  whose 
whole  heart  was  in  the  measure,  by  taking  his  undried  manuscripts 
between  his  pen  and  the  press,  re-wrote  this  passage,  erased  that,  and 
added  the  other,  thus  pruning  them  of  all  their  objectionable  points, 
and  superadding  her  polish  and  persuasiveness  to  his  virility,  till  to- 
gether they  almost  carried  their  point,  and  awakened  the  admiration 
even  of  their  opponents,  that  a cause  so  poor  could  be  advocated  so  ably. 

Our  farming  population  probably  come  nearest  to  Nature’s  conjugal 


CONJOINT  INTELLECTUAL  CULTURE. 


431 


co-operation  as  to  pecuniary  interests,  and  furnish  the  best  samples 
of  affectionate  wedlock — he  in  plowing,  sowing,  driving,  feeding,  and 
she  in  cooking,  milking,  churning,  and  saving,  and  both  making  com- 
mon cause  in  everything.  Should  not  all  follow  their  example  ? 

CONJOINT  INTELLECTUAL  CULTURE 

Constitutes  another,  and  that  probably  the  very  most  effectual  of  all, 
means  of  cementing  both  general  friendship  and  special  conjugal 
affection.  Dr.  Elder,  a clear-headed  thinker,  tells  the  following  anec- 
dote: u I once  persuaded  an  out-and-out  skeptic  and  a cast-iron 
orthodox  to  unite  with  me,  a radical,  in  reading  the  Bible  one  hour 
every  Sunday,  all  agreeing  to  stop  and  discuss,  in  a friendly  spirit, 
any  different  opinions  we  might  entertain  respecting  the  passages  read. 
Though  we  began  these  sittings  as  antagonistic  as  possible,  yet  we 
soon  found  that  we  differed  far  less  than  we  had  supposed,  and  ulti- 
mately discovered  quite  a similarity  between  our  opinions,  besides 
finally  becoming  warm  personal  friends.” 

The  members  of  debating  clubs,  literary  associations,  and  scientific 
societies,  especially  college  classmates,  by  studying  and  reciting  the 
same  subjects  together,  soon  come  to  form  those  deep  friendly  attach- 
ments which  after-years  only  redouble.  That  conjoint  intellectual 
improvement  promotes  affection  is  an  undoubted  law  of  mind. 

Then  to  apply  this  well-known  law  to  husband  and  wife  studying 
together.  Its  practical  effects  will  be  most  surprising.  However  dis- 
similar they  may  be,  if  they  do  not  really  hate,  let  them  but  read,  say 
this  volume,  together — and  this  one  is  peculiarly  appropriate — and 
discuss  temperately  its  respective  points,  both  saying  and  hearing 
kindly  all  they  have  to  say,  and  they  will  soon  find  their  views 
approaching  each  other,  their  hearts  growing  warm  together,  and  their 
supposed  insurmountable  differences  melting  silently  but  effectually 
away  before  the  perusal,  like  winter’s  snows  before  spring’s  sunshine. 
But  try  this  simple  experiment,  and  it  will  c*  fill  you  with  joy  un- 
speakable.” 

The  plain  fact,  plainly  stated,  is,  that  as  Nature’s  reproducing  econ- 
omies require  the  union  of  both,  so  they  also  require  them  to  co-operate 
together  in  everything  else,  in  order  that  their  co-operation  here  may  be 
complete.  Neither  should  lay  hand  or  heart  to  anything  without  the 
conjoint  assistance  of  the  other.  Together  they  should  plan  and  exe- 
cute, enjoy  and  suffer,  get  and  use,  and  establish  a perfect  amalgama- 
tion of  all  their  feelings  and  interests.  And  that  is  the  most  perfect 
marriage  which  the  most  perfectly  fulfills  this  primary  pre-requisition 
of  mutuality. 


432 


MARRIED  LIFE. 


But  mark,  this  sharing  can  be,  sometimes  is,  carried  too  far.  A 
wife  should  not  starve  because  her  husband  can  not  eat  with  her, 
nor  refuse  to  go  here  or  there  when  she  wants  to  and  can  go,  because 
he  can  not  go  too,  but  should  go  and  then  tell  him  all  about  it,  which 
is  sharing  it  writh  him  post  facto.  Wives  often  pine  at  home  whose 
health  and  spirits,  affections  even,  would  be  promoted  by  going  abroad. 
Better  go  with  husbands,  if  possible,  but  better  without  than  not  to 
go,  and  when  there,  enjoy  it  all  they  can. 

106.  EVILS  OF  NON-CO-OPERATION. 

All  broken  laws  punish  themselves.3  Co-operation  being  a primary 
requisite  of  marriage,  its  non-fulfillment  must  needs  induce  evils  as 
grievous  as  the  law  broken  is  fundamental  : and  so  it  does.  Its  pecu- 
niary evils  are  equaled  only  by  the  monetary  advantages  of  co-opera- 
tion. Let  the  following  anecdote  state  and  make  its  own  point. 

During  the  u hard  times,”  while  men  were  charging  them  on 
female  extravagances,  and  woman  retorting  by  charging  them  back  on 
wines,  cigars,  and  other  masculine  luxuries,  one  man  wrote  to  one  of 
the  papers  to  this  effect : 11  When  I married,  my  wife  and  I mutually 
concluded  to  appropriate  about  a thousand  dollars  to  our  domiciliary 
outfit,  and  selected  carpets,  furniture,  utensils,  everything,  to  our  per- 
fect satisfaction  for  that  sum.  I drove  right  into  business,  could  not 
take  time  to  receive  or  return  calls,  required  her  to  do  both,  and  to 
attend  parties  without  me  • until,  required  to  make  as  well  as  attend 
them,  she  complained  that  our  sofa,  carpets,  chairs,  good  enough  when 
we  started,  must  be  moved  back,  and  new  and  better  ones  procured. 
Now,  my  dilemma  is  this  : If  I yield  to  her  extravagances,  I fail  pe- 
cuniarily, and  lose  character,  position,  and  therefore  conjugal  happi- 
ness. But  if  I do  not,  I offend  her  ladyship,  and  have  no  domestic 
peace  of  my  life.  What  shall  I do  ?” 

He  had  committed  this  fundamental  error,  that  of  not  having  taken 
his  wife  along  with  him  into  business.  She  supposed  he  was  doing 
splendidly — that  hundreds  here  and  fifties  there  were  mere  trifles 
compared  with  his  income,  etc.  * whereas,  if  she  had  been  consulted 
as  to  this  and  that  li  operation,”  she  would  have  known  his — their— 
straits,  and  said,  u Never  mind,  husband,  I can  just  as  well  do  with- 
out this  as  not.”  Indeed,  co-operation  is  the  only  true  policy.  She 
requires  to  know  all  about  his  business  in  order  to  give  answers  and 
directions  often  required  in  his  absence.  Without  this  knowledge, 
either  her  directions  must  be  imperfect,  or  events  must  take  their 
natural  course.  Especially  in  case  of  his  death  does  she  require  to 
know  all  about  his  affairs,  in  order  to  forestall  rascally  cheats  from 


COMMUNITY  OF  KNOWLEDGE. 


433 


robbing  the  estate,  whom  her  knowledge  of  his  affairs  would  intimi- 
date, lest  they  be  caught.  Nor  is  there  any  telling  how  much  is  lost 
to  heirs  by  this  ignorance  of  wives  of  their  husband’s  pecuniary 
affairs  ! 

DIVERSIFIED  INTERESTS  ENGENDER  DISCORD. 

Let  him  devote  himself  to  books,  but  she  herself  to  housekeeping, 
till  each  comes  to  love  their  hobby — let  him  worship  finance,  she 
fashion;  he  politics,  she  religion;  or  he  be  much  from  home,  she  at 
home,  etc. ; by  going  to  different  places,  loving  different  things,  form- 
ing diverse  associations,  falling  into  opposite  lines  of  thought,  etc., 
they  finally  lose  all  sympathy  for  each  other,  and  come  to  be  no  more 
to  each  other  than  as  though  not  married — in  fact,  are  not82 — whereas  if 
the  same  cords  of  association  and  interest  had  vibrated  throughout  the 
beings  of  both,  the  resultant  harmony  would  have  redoubled  their 
love,  and  even  created  it,  if  it  had  not  previously  existed.  Exactly 
wherein  and  as  far  as  they  pursue  different  paths,  do  they  stray  from 
each  other  ; similar  ones,  are  drawn  from  each  other. 

COMMUNITY  OF  KNOWLEDGE 

Is  equally  re-enamoring,  but  diversity  estranging.  Most  who  marry, 
having  had  a similar  education,  and  starting  on  a common  plane,  can 
talk  in  delightful  concert  upon  the  same  subject,  and  are  substantially 
alike.  But  he  dashes  out  into  business,  the  very  struggles  of  which 
improve  him,  reads  the  papers,  keeps  up  with  current  news  and  im- 
provements, comes  in  business  and  societary  contact  with  men  of  mind 
and  experience,  and  imbibes  their  advanced  ideas  and  culture,  and  by 
various  like  means  becomes  every  way  superior  to  what  he  was  at 
marriage ; whereas  she,  confined  mostly  at  home,  sees  few  except 
servants,  or  those  on  or  below  her  intellectual  or  moral  plane,  perhaps 
declining  in  health,  and  becoming  cross-grained  and  nervous,  till  this 
relative  change  of  stand-point  has  destroyed  their  sympathy.  To  him 
her  ideas  are  now  so  insipid  as  to  disgust  as  much  as  they  once 
delighted.  He  wonders,  is  ashamed,  even  provoked,  that  his  wife 
should  be  so  ignorant,  so  crude,  so  actually  foolish;  but,  instead  of 
remedying  this  evil  by  teaching,  he  only  aggravates  it  by  blaming  her 
therefor.  Yet  what  else  could  she  have  become,  or  he  expected,  under 
the  circumstances?  If  he  had  furnished  her  with  papers,  intellectual 
associates,  etc.,  he  might  justly  have  blamed  her  for  her  inferiority, 
but  not  now.  And  as  everything  in  nature  grows,81  this  diversity  soon 
merges  into  dislike,  perhaps  even  hatred,  whereas,  if  she  had  known 
most  that  he  knew,  and  both  could  have  grown  together,  talked 

19 


434 


MARRIED  LIFE. 


together,  and  kept  along  together,  their  mutual  sympathy  and  affec- 
tion  would  have  re-increased  with  time. 

Two  brothers,  quite  alike  in  most  things,  married  twin  sisters,  but 
pursued  these  two  opposite  courses : A telling  his  wife  all  he  learned 
—at  dinner  what  he  had  seen  and  done  since  breakfast,  and  at  night, 
during  the  day,  his  heart  yearning  after  he  had  learned  anything  of 
interest  till  he  had  imparted  it  to  her — while  B kept  learning,  without 
communicating  any  of  his  self-improvement  or  business  affairs  to  his 
wife,  or  talking  to  her,  except  about  some  commonplace  home  affair. 
A,  by  thus  keeping  his  wife  growing  along  up  with  him  in  knowledge, 
in  spirit,  in  cultivation,  kept  their  mutual  affections  warm  and  fresh, 
while  B’s  declined  till  they  had  lost  all  affinity,  because  she  had  re- 
mained so  far  below  him  as  to  compel  him  to  look  down  on  her  with 
pity,  and  regret  that  he  was  tied  for  life  to  one  so  obviously  his  infe- 
rior. Her  condition  was  indeed  pitiable,  but  the  blame  was  his.  And 
u his  sin  had  found  him  out”  Let  another  anecdote  apply  this  law  in 
another  direction. 

The  next  day  after  hearing  this  point  enforced  at  a lecture  in 
Chicago,  a widow  said  to  Mrs.  F.  : 

u Your  husband’s  lecture  disclosed  just  the  very  origin  of  my  own  and 
husband’s  difficulty.  When  I married  him  I loved  him  some,  yet,  as 
I lived  on  with  him,  my  affections  re-increased,  till  my  whole  soul 
was  wrapped  up  in  complete  devotion  to  him,  when  he  one  day 
received  a letter  in  the  parlor,  which  I wanted  to  see — Eve’s  curios- 
ity”— no:  instead,  it  was  a wife’s  instinct,  and  right — “but  which  he 
refused,  till  I,  persisting,  he  finally  bluffed  me  off,  and  that  bluff  stuck 
a cold  dagger  to  my  very  soul,  when  I found  my  heart-strings  break- 
ing, one  after  another,  till  the  last  tie  that  bound  me  to  him  was 
severed,  when  hatred  supervened,  and  I was  glad  when  he  went  to 
the  store,  but  sorry  when  he  returned;  glad  when  he  went  to  New 
York  for  goods,  but  sorry  when  he  came  back — glad  when  he  died!” 
All  right.  “ He  began  it” — by  that  incipient  divorce  of  the  letter, 
which  effected  a like  divorce  throughout  all  their  other  relations,  and 
finally  broke  the  back  of  its  instigator.  As  gaping  is  catching , so 
divorce  in  this  matter  of  the  letter  initiated  a complete  divorce 
throughout,  and  spoiled  both. 

Another  illustration.  Said  an  eminent  lawyer  and  senator  : 

“ Professor,  you  really  must  jump  into  my  carriage,  and  tell  myself 
and  wife  all  about  ourselves.” 

Their  mental  daguerreotypes  were  so  closely  drawn,  and  differences 
so  accurately  delineated,  that  after  leaving,  he  said : 

u Wife,  that  phrenologist  who  can  draw  our  difficulties  so  accu- 


COMMUNITY  OF  KNOWLEDGE. 


435 


rately  can  prescribe  their  remedy.  Let’s  consult  him  again  on  this 
point.” 

After  broaching  their  subject-matter,  I replied — “ Come,  now  each 
tell  your  whole  story  frankly.”  He  began  by  saying,  that — 

“His  wife  was  fretful,  and  kept  all  the  time  complaining  of  this, 
that,  and  the  other,  that  she  came  to  him  about  servants,  and  every 
little  household  vexation,”  etc.,  till  she  finally  broke  in  thus : 

“ My  husband  comes  home  surly  and  grum,  combative  and — ” 

“Yes,  wfife,  I know  it;  it  is  incidental  to  my  business.  I can 
hardly  help  it.  I know’  it  is  wrong,  but  I get  all  het  up  in  the 
struggles  of  the  bar,  and  feel  thoroughly  provoked.  Never  mind  it.  It 
is  my  business , not  me.” — Husbands  should  never  bring  their  business 
troubles  across  their  thresholds.  Many,  provoked  by  outside  vexa- 
tions, come  home  surly,  and  vent  on  their  innocent  waives  and  children 
the  wrath  raised  by  an  ugly  customer,  whereas,  whatever  may  be 
their  business  vexations,  they  should  never  allow  one  angry  feeling 
to  cross  their  threshold.  Their  domicils  should  be  sacred,  and  kept 
inviolate  from  all  such  venomous  serpents.  Deposit  business  troubles 
along  with  your  hat  and  overcoat.  Some  hang  up  their  fiddles  on  the 
outside  of  their  front  door,  and  however  cheerful  and  pleasant  abroad, 
are  always  grum  and  dictatorial  within  doors,  whereas  all  should 
hang  it  up  inside , and  take  it  down  on  entering. 

“No,  that  is  not  all.  I could  excuse  that  much,  but  on  entering 
the  house  he  throw’s  head  back,  feet  up,  and  taking  the  last  paper, 
reads,  reads,  says  nothing  about  what  he  reads,  or  his  business,  or 
any  outside  new’s,  till,  dinner  announced,  he  eats  in  silence,  when, 
putting  on  his  hat,  he  says:  ‘Wife,  I shall  not  be  at  home  to  tea 
to-night.  Do  not  wrait  for  me,  or  even  sit  up,  for  I may  not  return 
till  quite  late.’ 

“He  says:  4 Here  is  a garden  and  gardener.  You  manage  both, 
and  see  that  garden  truck  enough  is  raised  for  the  family,’  whereas, 
if  he  w’ould  only  come  out  once  a w’eek,  show  some  interest  in  it,  say, 
4 That  is  well,  but  this  might  be  bettered  thus,’  I should  be  so  delighted. 
But  no. 

“ He  says : 4 Wife,  there  are  horses  and  groom.  Ride  out  when 
and  where  you  wish.  And  the  horses  wrill  be  all  the  better  for  daily 
exercise.’  Whereas,  if  he  would  only  ride  out  with  me  once  a week, 
the  memory  of  that  ride  would  so  sanctify  the  others  as  to  render 
them  also  delightful.  But  as  it  is,  I take  no  pleasure  in  them. 

“ He  says  : 4 Wife,  I furnish  money  enough  for  the  education  of  our 
children,  but  you  must  see  to  all  its  details — say  w’hat  studies,  teachers, 
everything.  I can  not  pother  with  it.  Whereas,  if  he  would  go  only 


436 


MARRIED  LIFE. 


once  per  quarter  to  the  examinations,  see  their  progress,  and  advise 
with  me,  both  I and  they  would  be  so  delighted : but  no,  he  is  so  tired 
or  busy. 

i:  He  says  : { Wife,  I furnish  money  plenty  to  get  just  such  and  as 
many  servants  as  you  want.  If  these  do  not  suit  you,  discharge 
them,  and  get  others,  hut  do  not  trouble  me  with  your  petty  household 
cares.7  Whereas,  if  he  would  only  hear  my  sad  tale,  and  sympathize 
with  me — but  no.  I must  worry  on  all  alone.  I am  perfectly  lonely, 
and  almost  crazy  for  want  of  some  one  with  whom  to  sympathize ,55 

Now  did  not  that  poor  woman  tell  the  secret  heart-history  of  wives 
in  untold  numbers  and  sorrows?  If  not  in  these  particular  things,  at 
least  in  the  general  facts  and  principles  of  their  case.  They  are  per- 
ishing by  slow  but  agonizing  inches  for  want  of  some  one,  if  only  a 
colored  servant,  wTith  whom  to  talk  over  their  pent-up  heart- troubles. 

No  man  knows,  can  know,  how  much  a genuine  helpmeet  woman 
really  does  help  till  he  has  lost  her  co-operation,  when  very  likely 
he  soon  stumbles  and  falls  for  want  of  it. 

Ye  men,  desirous  of  succeeding  in  your  respective  operations,  please 
duly  consider  and  bear  fully  in  mind  the  natural  law  illustrated  in 
this  anecdote,  and  avail  yourself  of  the  instrumentality  of  success 
herein  involved,  if  only  as  a speculation.  As  your  “ trump57  card  of 
success,  it  has  no  equal.  The  more  so,  because  when  a woman  loves 
a man,  her  spiritual  intuitions  are  all  quickened  and  called  into  action 
in  his  behalf,  so  that  she  becomes,  as  it  were,  a guardian  angel 
against  defeat,  and  a guide  to  success — his  u cloud  by  day,  and  pillar 
of  fire  by  night.55 

107.  PROMOTING  EACH  OTHER5S  HAPPINESS. 

Desire  to  render  each  other  happy  is  as  inherent  and  universal  a 
concomitant  of  love  as  gravity  of  matter.  And  as  indigenous  to  it  as 
heat  to  fire.  Nor  are,  or  ever  can  they,  be  separated.  Love  seeks 
and  lives  for  the  happiness  of  its  object  as  spontaneous  as  water  seeks 
its  level,  or  light  diffusion.  Attest,  all  ye  who  love  or  ever  have 
loved,  whether  your  one  very  strongest  love-prompting  and  instinct 
was  or  is  not  to  render  your  loved  one  happy.  All  well-constituted 
human  beings  naturally  seek  to  render  all  others  happy,  and  thereby 
promote  their  own.  But  this  is  doubly  the  natural  instinct  of  the 
sexes  as  regards  each  other.  Indeed,  what  but  this  prompts  those 
gallant  courtesies  and  pleasing  manners  so  natural  between  the 
sexes?14  Then  how  doubly  due  between  husbands  and  wives?28 
They  may,  indeed,  be  kind  toward  each  other  without  loving.  He 
may  give  her  plenty  of  money,  support  her  in  style,  gratify  even  her 


PROMOTING  EACH  OTHERS  HAPPINESS. 


437 


very  whims,  without  loving;  and  she  keep  his  house,  and  do  every- 
thing for  him  without  loving,  yet  it  is  no  more  possible  for  two  to  love 
without  laboring  to  render  each  other  happy  than  to  live  without 
breath. 

And  their  benevolent  efforts  ^re  the  measure  of  their  love.  And 
wax  and  wane  exactly  in  proportion  as  their  affections  increase  or 
diminish.  This  proportion  is  an  absolute  necessity.  And  this  affec- 
tional  Benevolence  bursts  right  out  and  bubbles  right  up  in  all  their 
minutest  actions  and  expressions  toward  each  other.  Its  eyes  are  full, 
its  lips  are  full,  its  hands  are  full,  its  heart  is  brimful  of  desire  to 
make  its  object  as  happy  as  possible.  And  this  desire  keeps  even  pace 
with  love. 

And  does  make  happy.  It  always  says,  “ Please  let  me  get  or  do 
this  or  that  for  you.  It  is  my  privilege . and  will  give  me  so  much 
pleasure.77  And  takes  far  more  pleasure  in  giving  than  receiving. 

Nor  is  it  ordained  that  either  should  render  self  as  happy  as  each 
the  other.  Nor  is  it  permitted  to  us  to  render  our  own  selves  a tithe 
as  happy  as  each  can  render  the  other.  Instead,  it  is  instituted  that 
he  shall  make  her  happy,  and  she  him.  True,  we  can  do  much  to 
promote  our  own  enjoyment,  but  our  sexual  mate  how  much  more  ! 
A wife  can  render  her  husband  ten  times  happier  than  he  can  possibly 
render  himself.  And  so  he  her.  And  how  infinitely  and  perfectly 
adapted  all  the  details  of  the  conjugal  state  to  this  promotion  of  the 
other's . enjoyment ! 14  And  thereby  our  own.  And  as  “it  is  more 
blessed  to  give  than  receive,77  even  from  strangers,  how  infinitely  more 
so  to  and  from  the  one  beloved  ! Indeed,  no  human  luxury  at  all 
equals  this. 

Moreover,  this  happiness  is  the  natural  food  of  love.  We  have 
already  seen  that  the  love  of  each  is  in  the  exact  ratio  of  the  happi- 
ness conferred  by  the  other.  This  happiness  is  the  natural  incentive 
and  promoter  of  love.82  Hence,  exactly  in  proportion  as  a wife  ren- 
ders her  husband  happy,  does  she  thereby  compel  him  to  love  her. 
Nor  can  he  help  himself.  Nor  will  he  desire  to.  “ Led  a willing 
captive/7  And  exactly  in  proportion  as  he  renders  her  happy,  does 
he  thereby  oblige  her  to  love  him.  Nor  can  she  help  it.  Nor  will  she 
desire  to.  Every  thrill  either  occasions  the  other,  but  redoubles  the 
happy  one’s  love. 

And,  per  contra , every  twinge  of  pain  either  gives  the  other,  engen- 
ders dislike.  Nor  is  there  any  help  for  it.  These  results  are  as  abso- 
lute and  certain  as  those  of  gravity,  because  equally  governed  by  a 
first  natural  law.  This  inference,  therefore,  is  perfectly  obvious,  that 
if  your  wife  makes  you  happy  three  or  five  in  the  scale  of  seven,  she 


488 


MARRIED  LIFE. 


thereby  induces  and  obliges  you  to  love  her  three  or  five  : whereas,  if 
she  makes  you  miserable  three  or  five,  she  thereby  compels  you  to  hate 
her  three  or  five.  Nor  can  any  will-power  of  either  prevent  this  fatal 
result,  any  more  than  will  can  prevent  our  smarting  at  the  touch  of 
fire. 

More.  If  she  makes  you  happy  five,  but  miserable  three,  you  love 
her  five,  but  hate  her  three  • whereas,  if  she  renders  you  happy  three, 
but  miserable  five,  she  obliges  you  to  hate  her  five,  but  love  her  only 
three.  So  she  who  makes  perfectly  miserable,  without  any  happiness, 
engenders  perfect  hatred  and  kills  love  dead,  whereas  she  who  makes 
perfectly  happy,  without  any  alloy  of  misery,  thereby  renders  his  love 
absolutely  perfect,  without  the  least  possible  dislike.  Nature’s  math- 
ematical equations  are  not  more  absolutely  infallible  than  are  those 
her  love  equations.  Please,  husbands,  wives,  duly  consider  the  prin- 
ciple here  involved. 

And  then  learn  therefrom  both  the  one  generic  cause  of  all  conjugal 
discords,  and  their  remedy;  as  well  as  the  certain  means  of  carrying  your 
love  on  and  up  to  any  required  extent  of  perfection.  Of  which  anon.108 

This  principle  shows  why  some  husbands  and  wives  can  neither  live 
together  nor  apart.  Certain  points  in  the  characters  of  each  render 
the  other  so  happy  as  to  involuntarily  draw  them  together.  Yet  cer- 
tain other  points  make  them  so  unhappy  that  they  can  not  remain 
together,  and  hence  quarrel  and  separate  to-day,  yet  come  together 
and  make  up  to-morrow — a process  they  keep  perpetually  repeating. 

Let  an  anecdote  reinforce  this  point.  A husband,  a year  or  so  after 
his  marriage — and  the  first  year  tells  the  story95 — taking  his  market- 
basket  on  his  arm  one  morning,  said  : 

“ 1 believe  I shall  get  a turkey  for  dinner  to  day.”  To  which  she 
replied  : 

“ Hadn’t  you  as  lief  get  a leg  of  lamb  ?” 

“No,  not  exactly.  I have  got  my  mind  set  on  turkey,  though  I 
suppose  I could  do  with  lamb,”  he  added ; to  which  she  replied  : 

“ I suppose  I could  do  with  turkey,  yet  very  much  prefer  lamb,  for 
I had  my  mouth  fixed  for  it.” 

“But,  come  to  think,  I had  a great  deal  rather  have  turkey  than 
lamb,”  he  retorted,  a little  crusty.  To  which  she  subjoined,  sharply: 

“ Well,  get  your  turkey.  I’ll  cook  it  for  you,  but  I don’t  want  it.” 

“ Then  I’ll  get  your  lamb,  but  I want  none  of  it.” 

And  he  got  the  lamb,  but  got  it  out  of  spite.  And  she  cooked  it  in 
spite,  and  of  course  not  very  tenderly,  that  day.  And  more  than  one 
bone  was  growled  over  at  that  dinner-table.  And  they  kept  up  their 
growling  and  snarling  till  a divorce  broke  up  their  marriage  and  fam- 


WHICH  SHALL  SERVE  > 


489 


ily,  yet  only  aggravated  their  mutual  hatred,  and  spoiled  the  happi- 
ness and  lives  of  both,  as  well  as  that  of  their  children  and  relatives. 

“But  this  is  too  great  a punishment  for  so  trivial  a sin.77 

Not  at  all ; for  whenever  in  Nature’s  economies  great  evils  follow 
from  any  wrong  course,  a commensurate  good  can  and  does  follow 
from  the  right  one.  All  Nature  grows81 — love  and  hate  included. 
This  grew.  But  it  might  just  as  well  have  grown  the  other  way , 
Suppose  he  had  said,  tenderly : 

“ Wife,  can  you  not  go  to  market  with  rne  to-da,y  ?77 

“ Husband,  I should  dearly  like  to  go,  but  our  dear  babe  occupies 
all  my  time.77 

“ Then,  wife,  what  shall  I get  you  for  dinner  to-day?77 

“Oh,  husband,  get  what  you  like.  Anything  that  will  suit  you 
will  please  me.77 

“ No,  my  dear  ; but  can  you  not  think  of  some  dainty  dish  you 
would  like  ?77 

“ Well,  husband,  if  you  see  nothing  else  in  market  you  like  any 
better,  you  may  get  a leg  of  lamb  if  you  please ; but  if  you  see  any- 
thing else  you  like  any  better,  get  what  you  like — that  will  suit  me.77 
And  he  would  have  got  the  lamb  as  before,  but  in  the  spirit  of  affec- 
tion. And  this  spirit  would  have  awakened  her  gratitude , and  there- 
fore love.  And  when  a woman  is  once  grateful,  she  returns  and 
re-returns  the  favor  for  the  thousandth  time,  and  yet  the  grateful 
fountain  overflows,  rendering  him  ten  thousand  times  happier  than  he 
could  have  rendered  himself.  And  this  principle  applies  equally  to 
man. 

Husband,  wife,  the  only  true  way  merely  to  secure  your  own 
happiness  is  to  devote  yourself  to  that  of  your  conjugal  partner. 
This  is  wedlock,  and  rewards  Itself.  And  answers  the  question — 

WHICH  SHALL  SERVE? 

The  one  that  loves  most.  For  the  one  that  loves  most  will  take  the 
most  delight  in  doing  the  most  to  promote  the  other’s  happiness. 
Among  savages,  woman  is  man’s  slave;  but  as  humanity  rises  in  the 
superior  scale,  the  male  treats  the  female  with  more  and  still  more 
tenderness:  so  the  higher  and  nobler  the  husband,  the  more  delicately 
and  considerately  will  he  treat  and  nurture  his  idolized  wufe.  Yet, 
having  already  discussed  a kindred  point,  and  shown  why  he  should 
do  more  to  promote  her  happiness  than  she  his,500  then,  in  the  name  of 
this  fundamental  lav/  of  love,  ye  who  mate,  let  your  mating  consist  in 
the  self-consecration  of  each  to  the  happiness  of  the  other.  Let  each 
live,  net  at  all  for  seif,  but  wholly  for  the  other.  All  that  each  can 


440 


MARRIED  LIFE. 


do  to  promote  the  creature  comforts  of  the  other  should  be  done.  In- 
dulge each  other  in  dress,  in  taste,  in  appetite,  in  fancies,  even  in 
whims,  anything,  everything  which  gives  the  other  pleasure. 

Yet  how  contrary  the  custom  of  too  many  husbands  ! Instead  of 
considering  their  wives  as  to  be  indulged , they  treat  them  as  if  only 
to  be  denied . But  does  affection  ever  deny  ? Is  not  indulgence  even 
its  greatest  privilege?  Does  doting  grandfather  ever  deny  darling 
grandson,  even  in  trifles  ? What  if  the  old  man  does  see  that  the 
boy  is 

“ Pleased  with  a rattle,  and  tickled  with  a straw,” 

does  he  not  give  rattle  and  straw  ? Nor  with  a — u Yo \x  fool : to  want 
such  things,77  but  as  if  delighted  to  see  him  enjoy  them.  Suppose  a 
true  husband  really  loved  wife,  and  she  loved  Phrenology,  but  he  did 
not,  instead  of  saying,  What  a fool  to  be  running  after  that  hum- 
bug!^ would  he  not  say,  instead,  “ Wife,  I am  so  glad  that  phrenologist 
has  come  to  towm,  so  that  you  can  enjoy  his  lectures  : for  anything  that 
makes  you  happy.  I will  even  go  myself,  if  only  to  see  and  help  you 
enjoy  yourself.77 

And  often,  indulging  a wife  in  some  merest  trifle,  in  itself  utterly 
insignificant,  will  make  her  so  happy,  and  fond,  and  kind  in  return ; 
whereas,  denying  her  in  some  little  matter,  will  sour  and  spoil  her 
throughout.  Husbands,  by  all  manner  of  means  indulge  them,  even 
in  trifles. 

And  herein  consists  your  own  greatest  life-luxury.  Let  your  mil- 
lionaire husband  take  all  the  pleasure  he  can  in  recounting  his  mil- 
lions, and  adding  thereto,  and  sating  all  his  other  desires,  yet  he  is  a 
poor,  unfortunate,  happiness- wrecked  pitiable,  who  either  has  no  wife 
on  whom  to  lavish  these  little  hourly,  momentary  courtesies,  or  else 
is  too  much  alienated  to  proffer  them,  except  with  a grudge.  He  is 
far  less  happy  than  that  laboring  man  who,  by  daily  toil,  finds  his 
own  highest  happiness  in  doing  for  that  woman  who  is  nursing  and 
rearing  their  darlings.  It  requires  something  besides  'dollars  to  render 
a man  happy.  It  takes  in  addition  a loving  wife.  And  of  all  the 
luxuries  permitted  to  mortal  man,  those  of  a well-sexed  and  loving, 
as  well  as  beloved  husband,  are  “chiefest  among  ten  thousand,  and 
altogether77  richest,  derived  from  promoting  the  happiness  of  his  dear 
wife.  Talk  about  luxury  without  this,  and  you  talk  nonsense.  Have 
all  other  luxuries  but  this,  and  you  have  only  trash.  Have  this,  and 
with  it,  it  hardly  matters  how  few  besides,  and  you  have  u all  things 
added  thereunto.77 

But  are  these  “chiefest77  duties  and  luxuries  all  his?  Are  they  not 


A PERFECT  UNION. 


441 


also  in  part  hers?  In  how  many  thousand  little  ways  does  nature, 
in  their  mutual  relations,  allow  her  to  promote  his  comfort  by  cater- 
ing to  his  appetites,18  57  by  making  home  a paradise,  etc.  ? But  above 
all,  in  his  greatest  life-luxury — that  of  being  loved  by  that  dear  being 
he  loves.  As  Christ  said  of  the  “ cup  of  cold  water,”  that  to  be 
acceptable,  it  must  be  proffered  “ in  my  name ,”  so,  do  little  or 
much,  anything,  everything  without  love,  and  it  amounts  to  nothing 
by  way  of  rendering  him  happy.  Be  it  that  she  rises  early,  sits  up 
late,  and  delves  and  drudges  “from  early  morning  till  late  at  night,” 
to  pander  to  his  creature  comforts,  she  must  do  all  in  the  “name  of 
love,”  else  the  more  miserable  she  renders  both.  And  the  same  is 
true  of  him.  Those  whose  kindnesses  are  not  prompted  by  a genuine 
affection  might  better  not  do,  because  such  action  is  merely  human, 
not  conjugal,  and  imposes  a feeling  of  obligation  on  the  recipient  most 
humiliating,  and  necessarily  painful,  and  hence  hate-engendering.72 
Rather  a wife  would  do  nothing,  than  do,  however  much  or  well, 
without  the  inspiration  of  affection. 

But  when  love  beams  in  her  eyes  and  flushes  her  cheek,  when, 
whether  she  does  little  or  much,  there  emanates  from  her  that  sacred 
aura,  or  charm,  or  halo,  as  indigenous  to  the  loving  woman  as  light 
to  sun,  which  sends  a calm,  quiet  thrill  of  unspeakable  delight 
throughout  his  being  to  animate  all,  inspirit  all,  enrapture  all,Sec-IL 
how  superlatively  blessed  does  she  render  him  who  basks  in  her  divine 
sunshine,  and,  by  its  little  expressions,  redouble  both  its  happiness, 
and  therefore  love  ! 

In  short,  each  sex  is  naturally  constituted  to  render  themselves 
exquisitely  happy  by  both  loving  and  being  loved,  or  by  that  blending 
of  their  mutual  entities  in  which  love  centers.6  In  this  consists  the 
Alpha  and  Omega  of  love-making,  and  all  who  put  it  in  practice, 
whether  old  or  young,  mated  or  married,  concordant  or  discordant, 
will  find  its  influence  magical  to  obviate  contention,  and  re-establish 
concord. 

108.  A PERFECT  UNION. 

Nature  is  perfect.  So  are  all  her  operations,  when  not  interfered 
with.  And  as  marriage  is  one  of  them,  every  true  marriage  is  per- 
fect. And  all  might  be,  would  be,  if  Nature’s  marital  requisitions 
were  fulfilled.  Are  in  exact  proportion  as  thus  fulfilled. 

And  the  difference  between  good  and  poor  is  far  greater  than  sup- 
posed. Applied  to  lands,  houses,  domestic  animals,  fruits,  everything. 
One  Delaware  grape-vine  is  worth  thousands  of  wi Idlings,  and  one 
good  pear  than  bushels  of  choke-pears.  Hence,  good  horses,  fruits, 

19* 


442 


MARRIED  LIFE. 


everything,  command  a price  far  above  that  of  common.  And  ought 
to  still  higher. 

Any  defect  or  imperfection,  too,  especially  in  any  good  article, 
detracts  from  both  its  real  value  and  our  estimation  far  more  than  the 
amount  of  the  defect.  Thus,  a fine  peach  having  a rotten  speck,  or  a 
nice  dress  a grease  spot,  or  a good  horse  one  lame  leg  or  bad  habit,  or 
good  house  a smoky  chimney  or  unhealthy  location,  etc.,  becomes 
almost  valueless,  compared  with  what  it  would  have  been  if  every  way 
just  the  same,  but  without  this  fault. 

How  pre-eminently  does  this  law  apply  to  husband  and  wife,  and 
the  effect  of  one  fault  on  love  ! Let  a husband  have  however  many 
excellences,  both  absolutely,  and  in  his  wife’s  eye,  but  marred  with  one 
fault,  as  drinking,  smoking,  chewing,  swearing,  sensuality,  gambling, 
or  any  other  single  bad  habit,  this  one  fault  overshadows  a multitude 
of  virtues,  and  well  nigh  spoils  all  his  many  excellences — perhaps 
renders  him  worse  than  nothing,  and  all  the  worse  the  better  he  is  by 
nature.  And  makes  his  wife  all  the  more  miserable  the  better  he  is  ; 
for,  but  for  these  virtues  she  would  not  have  loved,  or  could  now 
cease  loving,  whereas  this  fault,  like  bitter  in  food,  spoiling  all, 
averts  her  love  in  part,  and  thus  agonizes  her  more  than  all  hate 
could  do. 

Or  a wife  may  be  all  so  sweet,  so  fine  a housekeeper,  refined,  hand- 
some, and  however  much  besides,  yet  one  marked  fault  may  thor- 
oughly disgust  husband,  breed  alienations  throughout,  and  render  both 
perfectly  wretched,  or  at  least  seriously  detract  from  her  many  virtues. 

Or  a married  pair  may  get  on  well  enough  in  all  respects  but  one, 
and  though  they  do  not  exactly  t:  fall  out  by  the  wray,”  yet  how 
immeasurably  does  this  one  difference  detract  from  their  conjugal 
affection  and  happiness  ! And  how  almost  infinitely  the  happier  if 
that  one  difference  were  harmonized  ! Rest  assured.  0 ye  married, 
that  no  words  can  duly  admeasure  the  practical  importance  of  this 
point.  Nor  can  even  imagination.  If  in  some  half-dreamy,  some 
ecstatic  state  of  fancy,  you  should  give  reins  to  imagination,  and 
think  how  perfectly  happy  you  could  be  in  your  partner,  if  but  that 
one  difference  between  you  were  harmonized — you  could  be  happier 
than  the  utmost  imagination  can  depict.  But  our  pen  fails  us.  An- 
gelic language  might  fully  portray  the  desirableness  of  a perfect  love 
over  an  imperfect,  but  terrestrial  can  not.  Nor  can  even  the  deepest 
recesses  of  the  human  soul. 

11  Then,  in  God’s  name,  is  such  perfection  attainable?” 

Of  course  it  is.  To  suppose  not,  is  to  u charge  God  foolishly.” 
Are  His  other  works  perfect,  and  is  not  this,  His  highest..8  most  so?  It 


A PERFECT  UNION. 


448 


becomes  imperfect  only  when  man  spoils  it  by  ignoring  its  condi- 
tions. 

And  every  individual  marriage  might  be  thus  perfect.  Not  perhaps 
so  perfect  but  that  it  could  be  re-improved,  for  perfection  has  its  de- 
grees, and  may  be  perfectly  faultless,  yet  ever  re-improving.  All  that 
even  a God  could  do,  God  has  done  to  render  it  absolutely  perfect  in 
every  individual  case.  He  even  provides  for  healing  over  our  many 
errors,  as  for  healing  our  wounds,  and  restoring  broken  bones.  That 
is,  we  may  have  a perfect  marriage  even  after  having  broken 
many  of  its  conditions  3 for  Nature’s  recuperative  laws  apply  quite  as 
effectually  here  as  to  all  her  other  operations. 

In  the  name,  then,  of  the  blessedness  of  a perfect  love,  and  all  its 
power  over  human  life,11  how  can  this  paradise  be  retained?  or,  once 
lost,  regained  ?77 

Easily.  Pteader,  do  you  really  desire  to  live  an  absolutely  perfect 
conjugal  life?  Are  you  really  willing  to  rouse  yourself  to  make  the 
effort?  Passivity  will  never  attain  it — anything.  Desire  must  be 
accompanied  by  work.  Now,  how  much  exertion  are  you  willing  to 
put  forth  ? 

All  I can — go  on  a pilgrimage,  do,  and  sacrifice  everything,  be- 
come anything  in  its  attainment.77  And  who  has  a will  finds  a way. 

First,  then,  consecrate  yourself  to  this  great,  holy  work.  Make  it 
a life  motive  and  effort,  and  you  shall  reap  in  the  future  what,  and  in 
proportion  as  you  sow,  just  as  you  are  now  reaping  the  tares  of  past 
seeding:  for  Nature  is  infinitely  just,  infinitely  retributary,  infinitely 
rewardatory. 

And  it  is  most  desirable  also  that  your  husband  or  wife  join  you  in 
both  this  desire  and  the  efforts  needed  to  attain  it.  Here,  pre-emi- 
nently, u it  takes  two  to  make  a bargain.77  True,  neither  can  do 
much  alone,  but  how  much  more  both  together  ! Here,  most  of  all,  is 
the  help-meet , and  the  sharing  principle,  or  co-operation  promotive  of 
success.105  And  also  that  of  molding.102  Do  you  then  here  now 
resolve,  both  singly  and  together,  to  do  what,  and  all  you  well  can,  to 
render  your  conjugal  life  and  feelings  henceforth  perfect  ? 

c'm  Indeed  we  do,  vrith  all  our  hearts,  and  to  the  best  of  our  abilities. 
But  show  us  the  right  pathway,  and  we  will  walk  therein.77 

Then,  first,  re-read  together  Part  III.,  and  therein  learn  wherein 
you  have  erred,  and  correct  those  errors.  And  you  will  doubtless  there 
see  how  effectually,  though  unconsciously,  probably  both  have  really 
outraged  the  conjugal  conditions.  Then  repent  and  reform,  and  hence- 
forth lead  an  entirely  new  and  true  conjugal  life.  On  that  life  all 
depends.  The  best  of  intentions  avail  nothing  further  than  they  lead 


444 


MARRIED  LIFE. 


to  a right  treatment  of  eacli  other.  Perfect  that  treatment,  and  you 
thus  perfect  your  love.  Nor  is  there  any  possibility  of  perfecting  it 
without.  And  the  measure  of  that  treatment  will  be  the  exact  meas- 
ure of  that  perfect  conjugality.  The  work  is  now  in  your  own  hands  ; 
so  are  the  directions  for  its  accomplishment.  Let  time  tell  how  far 
you  attain  this  end  by  the  right  use  of  these  means. 

But  we  would  call  special  attention  to  that  last -mentioned,  and 
really  greatest , of  all  means  of  perfecting  love — as  a perfect  love  is  the 
only  staminate  means  of  conjugal  perfection — namely,  rendering  each 
other  happy.  This  condition  is  a sine  qua  non.  As  far  as  you  promote 
each  other’s  happiness,  do  you  inevitably  perfect  your  conjugality. 
But  no  further.  And  by  every  manner  of  device  by  which  either  can 
contrive  to  render  the  other  happy,  do  you  perpetually  re-enamor  the 
one  thus  made  happy.  And  also  the  maker;  for,  by  a law  of  mind, 
he  who  bestows  naturally  comes  to  like  his  beneficiary.  But  shun, 
as  a conjugal  viper,  whatever  pains  the  other,  or  yourself  in  view  of 
the  other.  A man,  the  conduct  of  his  wife  being  the  same,  can  render 
himself  the  more,  or  the  less,  happy  in  her.  And  so  she  in  him. 
Hence,  he  being  the  same  in  both  cases,  she  can  derive  the  more  pleas- 
ure, or  the  less,  from  him  and  his  conduct.  That  is,  can  so  look  upon 
the  very  same  things  so  as  to  become  happy  or  miserable  therein.  Now, 
it  makes  no  practical  difference  as  to  her  love  whether  he  makes  her 
happy  in  him,  or  she  herself  in  him.  All  material  is  the  happiness 
itself.  Hence,  while  each  should  do  their  utmost  to  make  the  other 
happy,  both  should  also  strive  to  make  themselves  hapgy  in  the  other. 
As  a farmer  may  have  land  exactly  adapted  to  raise  some  very  valu- 
able crop,  yet  not  raise  it,  not  even  know  he  can,  so  many  a husband 
has  a wife  whose  traits  are  exactly  adapted  to  render  him  happy, 
without  even  knowing  how  happy  he  could  become  in  her.  Much 
less  becoming.  May  even  so  look  at  and  treat  actually  good  traits 
as  to  make  himself  miserable  in  those  very  traits  in  which  he  might 
and  should  be  happy,  and  thus  actually  hate  her  for  the  very  same 
things  for  which  he  might  and  ought  to  love  her. 

109.  LOVE  SEASONS,  EVENINGS,  ETC. 

Periodicity  is  a universal  natural  law.39  Everything  in  nature 
has,  must  have,  its  appointed  time.  Regularity  is  most  promotive  of 
all  functions,  while  irregularity  is  destructive  of  all.  Of  course  this 
primitive  natural  law  appertains  to  love.  Has  already  been  shown  to 
belong  to  the  mating  period.39  But  has  Nature  appointed  a general 
season  to  begin  to  love,  namely,  about  the  twentieth  year  of  life,40  and 
has  she  not  also  appointed  special  seasons  for  its  continuance?  Shall 


LOVE-SEASONS,  EVENINGS,  ETC. 


445 


she  establish  given  times  for  eating,  sleeping,  laboring,  etc.,  and  not 
also  for  loving  ? Does  eating  regularly  promote  digestion,  and  sleep- 
ing on  time  promote  sleep,  and  shall  not  setting  apart  some  specific 
times  and  seasons  for  cherishing  love  not  also  promote  it?  If  not, 
why  not  ? Shall  annual  celebrations  of  weddings  promote  love  ?96  and 
shall  not  diurnal,  three  hundred  and  sixty-five  times  more?  Love 
must  be  fed,  or  starve  to  death.97  Then  why  not  nurture  it,  not  only 
daily,  but  also  at  stated  hours  of  each  day?  Choose  this  sacred  diur- 
nal hour  so  as  to  interfere  least  with  business,  but  choose  some  hour. 
That  the  custom  of  daily  family  worship  after  breakfast,  or  just  before 
retiring,  promotes  worship  by  uniting  time  with  Veneration,  is  a clear 
fact  and  sequence.  Then  would  not  consecrating  a certain  hour  of 
each  day  to  love-making  equally,  and  for  the  very  same  reason,  pro- 
mote love  ? Let  an  anecdote  both  illustrate  and  enforce  this  point. 

At  the  old  Franklin  House  dinner-table  in  Providence,  Pt.  I.,  I 
observed  a noble-looking  man  and  doting  father  waiting  upon  his 
thirteen-year-old  daughter,  and  “playing  the  agreeable’7  quite  as 
tenderly  and  genteelly  as  if  she  had  been  his  intended.  Always  making 
it  my  rule,  whenever  I observe  any  specialties  in  another,  to  start 
conversation  with  him,  that  I may  light  my  candle  by  his,  or  improve 
myself  from  his  peculiarities,*  I opened  a conversation  with  him,  cor- 
rectly pre-supposing  that  if  he  had  any  hobby,  he  would  soon  strike  it, 
which  he  had  and  did  ; and  which  was  a set  daily  season  for  enjoying 
his  family;  in  illustration  of  which  he  told  the  following  anecdote. 

“ My  mother  died  when  I was  about  twenty.  Calling  me  to  her 
death-bed  side,  and  taking  my  warm  hand  in  her  cold  one,  she  said, 
with  peculiar  emphasis,  * My  son,  heed  this  my  last  dying  advice — - 
that  you  make  the  enjoyment  of  your  family  your  first  and  great  life- 
object,  for  this  will  redouble  all  life’s  other  pleasures,  whereas  all 
others  without  this  will  be  of  little  value.  And  in  order  thereto, 
devote  a given  hour  each  day  to  family  enjoyments.  Learn  from  my 


* Samuel  Kirkham,  the  celebrated  author  of  “ Kirkliam’s  Grammar,”  “ Elocution,” 
etc.,  made  himself  a name  and  fortune  mainly  by  this  means.  Coming  across  a writing- 
master  remarkable  for  an  elegant  chirography,  he  followed  up  both  him  and  his  system, 
till,  super-adding  re-improvements,  he  became  one  of  the  best  of  writers.  Alighting  on 
a teacher  of  grammar  who  had  some  points  of  genuine  improvement  over  all  others, 
he  followed  him  till  he  had  learned  all  he  could  teach,  when,  super-adding  and  re-adjust- 
ing from  his  own  cogitations,  he  produced  a grammar  which  netted  him  $3,0(>0  per  year, 
and  sells  largely  even  yet.  He  pursued  a like  course  in  reference  to  elocution,  and 
finally,  coming  under  the  author’s  hands,  and  discerning  real  merit  in  his  teachings,  he 
“ tied  fast,”  and  followed  on  till  arrested  by  death — a course  heartily  recommended  to 
young  men ; with  these  remarks,  first,  copy  only  what  in  really  good , and,  second, 
lighting  your  candle  by  that  of  others,  while  it  takes  naught  from  their  brilliancy,  only 
re-adds  thereto,  and  augments  the  “ light  of  the  world.” 


446 


MARRIED  LIFE. 


sad  example.  Your  father  and  myself  started  out  in  life  determined 
to  make  domestic  enjoyment  our  one  great  life-object  j but  in  order 
thereto,  thought  we  would  labor  and  suffer,  no  matter  how  much,  in 
the  forenoon  of  life,  in  obtaining  a competence  on  which  to  retire,  that 
we  might  spend  its  afternoon  and  evening  in  domestic  felicity.  But 
he  is  dead,  and  here  I am  dying,  without  either  of  us  having  enjoyed 
the  only  single  end  of  all  our  toils  and  sacrifices  • so  that  I recommend 
you  to  make  sure  of  your-  family  pleasures  by  taking  them  u day  by 
day,”  as  you  go  along  through  life.’  I saw  the  force  of  her  advice,  and 
determined  to  follow  it,  and,  first  marrying  wisely,  consecrated  an 
hour  of  each  day  after  dinner  to  unalloyed  family  felicities.  If  the 
weather  favored  a ride,  and  we  preferred  it,  we  took  a pleasure  airing, 
or  a walk  through  grounds  or  garden ; but  if  it  stormed  without,  we 
took  our  u holy  hour”  in  parlor  or  nursery,  but  took  it.  If  friends 
were  visiting,  or  business  pressing,  both  must  stand  aside,  or  else  par- 
ticipate, for  I determined  to  allow  nothing  to  interfere  with  this  daily 
family  u love-feast.”  And  have  derived  more  life-pleasure  from  this 
simple  practice  than  from  all  my  business  pursuits,  speculations, 
everything  else  put  together.” 

This  struck  me  all  the  more  forcibly,  because,  at  our  own  matri- 
monial starting  in  life,  my  wife  would  often  say,  at  sunset,  u Come, 
husband,  let  us  drop,  you  your  pen,  I my  needle,  and  enjoy  a pleasant 
twilight  talk,  or  walk,  or  both.”  Would  we  had  kept  up  these  sea- 
sons. Their  memory,  even  now,  though  thirty  busy  years  have  inter- 
vened, forms  the  dearest  recollections  of  life.  And  are  resumed. 

Then,  ye  who  mate,  appoint  particular  seasons  to  “ meet  by  moon- 
light,” or  at  set  intervals,  if  you  live  contiguous,  say  as  you  go  to,  or 
return  from  business,  or  dinner — some  regular  time,  and  this  will  keep 
your  hearts  so  warm,  and  render  your  love  so  ecstatic  as  to  completely 
forestall  discontent.  And  all  ye  who  are  married,  just  try  it  for  only 
six  months,  till  you  can  begin  to  test  its  value  as  a love-incentive. 

Not  that  six  months  form  anything  like  a fair  trial,  for  the  longer 
the  more  sacred  becomes  the  association.  Such  holy  love-memories, 
indeed  all  affectional  associations,  grow  brighter  as  they  recede.  Dis- 
tance only  u lends  enchantment.” 

Then,  is  there  any  choice  as  to  the  season?  Yes,  obviously  a very 
great  one.  Undoubtedly,  by  far. 

Evenings  are  most  appropriate.  Nature  consecrates  night  to 
sleep.  But  as  sun  and  light  disappear  never  instantly,  but  always 
gradually,  so  we  should  obviously  not  rush  from  our  daily  struggles  to 
Morphean  slumbers.  We  need  some  go-between  preparation,  which 
shall  be  to  them  what  twilight  is  to  departing  day.  Some  delightful 


EVENING  FAMILY  AMUSEMENTS. 


447 


playspell-amusement  before  retiring  is  unmistakably  the  very  best 
promoter  of  11  Nature’s  great  restorer,”  and  thereby  of  additional  capa- 
city to  labor,  which  ever  is,  or  even  can  be.  The  advantages  of 
some  daily  recreation  we  shall  discuss  elsewhere.  It  is  marrow  to 
the  bones,  strength  to  body  and  mind,  balm  to  the  spirit,  and  the  very 
best  of  all  promoters  of  capacity  for  undergoing  subsequent  labors. 

Then,  what  recreating  season  as  obviously  appropriate  as  evening, 
and  means  as  effective  as  cherishing  the  affections?  No  man  ought 
ever  to  work  nights.  Those  who  pore  over  accounts  and  ledgers  by 
night  thereby  but  detract  a hundred-fold  from  their  capacity  to  work 
thereafter,  just  as  those  students  who  “ pore  over  the  midnight  lamp,” 
are  but  killing  the  goose  that  lays  the  golden  egg  of  power  to  study. 
The  very  way  to  gain  time  and  redouble  business  or  study  is  to 
recreate  evenings,  and  sleep  nights.  And  indulging  the  loves  in  the 
evening  naturally  soothes  the  care-worn  brow,  quiets  all  false  excite- 
ment, sweetens  the  temper,  and  prepares  for  sound  and  invigorating 
rest  better  than  anything  else  can  do.  As  a recreating  amusement  it 
has  no  equal.  Nor  as  a prolonger  of  life,  or  reinvigorator  of  all  the 
faculties.Sec- IL  "• 

EVENING  FAMILY  AMUSEMENTS, 

Then,  should  be  made  as  habitual  in  every  family  as  their  break- 
fast. Nothing  can  be  made  more  contributory  to  their  health  or  moral 
elevation,  by  contributing  to  their  affections.  Those  who  have  been 
happy  together,  thereby  come  naturally  to  love  each  other.  Those 
husbands  and  wives  who  enjoy  anything  together,  thereby  re-enamor 
themselves  of  each  other.42  Hence  evening  amusements  constitute 
love’s  most  nutritious  aliment.  So  precious  a means  of  its  re-increase 
should  on  no  account  be  unimproved.  None  can  afford  so  great  a loss. 
Every  one  should  be  treasured  up  as  the  miser  hoards  his  gold;  and 
made  the  most  of. 

They  may  be  enjoyed  at  home  or  abroad,  or  alternately,  as  is  most 
agreeable.  But  if  abroad,  must  be  dismissed  early,  so  as  to  promote, 
not  curtail  sleep.  But  as  children  do,  or  should  play  all  day,  they 
should  retire  with  the  sun. 

j Domestic  amusements  have  this  great  advantage  over  foreign — that 
the  wife  and  mother  can  participate  in  them.  She  is  too  often  obliged 
to  stay  at  home  to  u rock  the  cradle,”  whereas  she,  of  all  others, 
most  needs  recreation.  Confined  and  worried  all  day,  perhaps  by  a 
cross  or  sickly  babe,  her  mind  almost  agonized  by  anxieties,  and  pos- 
sibly nervousness,  she  needs  relaxation  more  than  he.  Doubtless,  the 
very  crossness  or  sickness  of  her  darling  is  due  to  her  perpetual  con- 


448 


MARRIED  LIFE. 


finement  and  worriment  over  its  cradle,  whereas  relieving  her  mind 
would  obviate  its  crossness  and  re-establish  its  health.  And  is  she 
not  the  most  entitled  to  it?  To  make  her  stay  behind  while  all  others 
go,  is  cruel.  Or  if  she  insists  on  staying,  husband  should  insist 
on  her  going,  or  else  stay  wfith  her,  unless  he  goes  to  hear  some 
phrenological  or  other  lecture*  or  gatherings,  etc.,  where  he  can  learn 
something  to  tell  and  improve  her.  She  is  legally  entitled  to  his  even- 
ing  company.  And  he  needs  hers  about  as  much  as  she  his.106 

££  But  would  you  have  all  those  husbands  stay  at  home  who  can  not 
take  their  sickly  or  confined  wives  abroad  ? Shall  both  suffer  because 
she  must  ?77 

Her  society  ought  to  be  his  greatest  pleasure.  And  will  be  where 
a true  love  exists.  And  where  it  does  not,  better  be  divorced.  Every 
true  husband  will  count  off  every  working  hour  till  he  can  hurry 
home  to  be  with  that  dear  woman  whom  he  so  dearly  loves. 

But  for  a husband,  after  being  gone  all  day,  to  go  from  supper  to 
billiards,  or  oyster  or  gaming  saloon,  or  theater,  or  party,  or  club- 
room,  or  ££  lodge,77  and  oblige  his  wife  to  stay  at  home  alone,  and  sit 
up  to  let  him  in,  perhaps  in  perpetual  fear,  or  anything  of  this  kind, 
is  a cool  cruelty  which  no  true  man  would  perpetrate  on  any  woman, 
much  less  his  wife.  Please,  husbands,  duly  consider  this  matter.  Turn 
the  tables.  You  stay,  and  let  her  be  gone  every  night,  and  see 
how  you  like  that.  And  our  wives  are  the  pitiable  victims  of  number- 
less like  cruelties  imposed  or  sanctioned  by  custom,  the  very  common- 
ness of  which  covers  the  evil  indeed,  but  only  aggravates  it. 

“ But  what  shall  a wTife  thus  afflicted  do  to  prevent  it  ?77 

Wives,  have  you  not  yet  learned  that  men  are  in  very  deed  more 
contrary  than  mules  ? And  as,  though  ££  one  man  may  lead  a jack 
to  water,  yet  ten  men  can  not  make  him  drink,77  so  a sweet  woman, 
much  more  wife,  can  persuade  and  entice  a husband,  yet  the 
more  she  drives  the  more  he  will  not  go.16  22  Those  blandishments 
by  which  Delila  managed  Samson  will  enable  almost  any  woman  to 
manage  any  man  who  loves  her,  and  whom  she  loves.  But  we  are 
nearing  a point  already  discussed,102  and  sum  up  this  point  by  adding — 

Man  was  never  ordained  to  spend  his  evenings  with  man,  but  always 
with  woman.  Men  who  spend  much  time  in  the  company  of  men 
alone,  soon  involuntarily  become  coarse,  gross,  boorish,  and  vulgar. 
u Man  with  man,  working  that  which  is  unseemly.77  How  different 
when  they  intermingle  in  promiscuous  society  ! As  cc  it  is  not  meet 
for  man  to  live  alone.77  so  men  demoralize  each  other.  Males  and 


As  public  amusements  merely,  they  are  public  benefactions. 


LOVERS'  WALKS,  RIDES,  TALKS,  ETC. 


449 


females  should  intermingle  in  their  amusements  as  much  as  in  any 
and  everything  else.  Nor  should  those  of  either  sex  allow  themselves 
to  go  much  into  the  company  of  their  own,  but  always  mostly  into 
that  of  the  opposite.  Nor  should  any  man  ever  go  where,  or  do  what, 
his  wife  may  not  share.105 

LOVERS1  WALKS,  RIDES,  TALKS,  ETC., 

Are  as  much  more  appropriate  between  husbands  and  wives  than 
lovers,  as  they  should  love  the  more.  By  furnishing  mental  diversion 
along  with  physical  exercise,  employing  that  principle  of  enjoying 
nature  together  already  repeated,  48  95  and  cherishing  each  others 
Jove98  by  sharing  the  same  pleasures,  they  become  pre-eminently 
promotive  of  both  love  and  health.  Husband  may  need  a turn  around 
a few  blocks,  or  stroll  through  a park,  or  walk  around  garden  or 
grounds  to  preserve  his  own  health,  while  wife  may  be  literally  dying 
by  inches  of  excessive  care  and  monotonous  toil,  and  in  really  perishing 
need  of  both  fresh  air  and  some  new  manifestation  of  husband’s  affec- 
tion to  sustain  her  drooping  strength  and  spirit. 

And  those  who  can  afford  the  expense,  should  take  wife  out  at  least 
every  pleasant  day,  if  only  a short  ride,  and  pile  in  all  the  little  ones. 
The  pleasurableness  of  riding  is  a proof  of  its  proportionate  utility. 

Amusements  attain  a like  end,  and  deserve  patronage.  And  our 
country  needs  some  cheap  pleasures,  where  parents  and  children  can 
resort,  meet  acquaintances,  dance  an  hour,  and  both  secure  health  and 
cement  affections.  In  this  respect  German  society,  saving  its  lager 
bier,  far  exceeds  American.  And  American  customs  ought  to  be 
remodeled.  At  least,  let  husbands  and  wives  make  love  daily , any- 
how, if  only  somehow . 

But,  leaving  you,  both  singly  and  together,  to  the  practical  solution 
of  this  eventful  problem — how  far  wrill  you  perfect  your  conjugal 
happiness  by  perfecting  your  own  and  each  other’s  love,  in  and  by 
living  a genuine  sexual  life,  we  reverse  the  tables  to  discuss — 


450 


CONJUGAL  ALIENATIONS. 


SECTION  XI. 

CONJUGAL  ALIENATIONS  : THEIR  CAUSES  AND  OBVIATION. 

110.  EXISTING  AMOUNT  OF  DISCORD. 

Again  our  pen  falters.  It  could  not  execute  all  its  task  if  it  would, 
and  would  not  if  it  could,  lest  it  dissuade  many  unmarried  from  mar- 
rying, justify  celibacy,  excuse  “ old  bachelors  and  maids,”  40  and 
forestall  the  multiplication  of  the  race.  More,  lest,  in  the  very  next 
generation,  much  more  subsequent  ones,  we  be  reputed  ignorant  or 
willful  slanderers  of  this  “ day  and  generation.”  “ There’s  a good 
time  coming,”  when  the  doctrines  of  this  volume  become  once 
understood  and  practiced,  when  few  unhappy  marriages  will  exist, 
and  the  many  will  wonder  how  there  ever  could  be  any,  and  call  the 
truth  as  it  now  exists  a lie.  Yet  at  least  a mere  “ peep  behind  the 
scenes”  becomes  our  painful  task,  that  we  may  “ point  out  a more 
excellent  way.” 

Nearly  thirty  years  ago,  we  said  to  a man  whose  social  faculties 
were  large,  but  evidently  dormant : 

“ Every  way  calculated  to  enjoy  the  conjugal  state,  but  either 
unhappily  married,  or  else  not  married  at  all,  for  your  love  element 
is  starving.”  “Not  married  at  all,”  he  replied. 

“ Why  not,  since  capable  of  being  so  happy  in  marriage  ?” 

“ Because  1 dare  not.  I once  belonged  to  a literary  club  of  thirty 
young  men,  in  Rochester,  N.  Y.,  one  of  the  bye-laws  of  which  was, 
that  within  a given  time  after  our  marriage  we  would  report  faith- 
fully to  the  club  whether  rendered  more,  or  less,  happy  since,  and  by, 
our  marriage.  Twenty-nine  sent  in  their  report,  and  all  but  one  or 
two  unfavorable,  and  seriously  advising  the  balance  not  to  marry  ; 
and  these  reported  that  in  some  things  they  were  more,  others  less, 
happy,  so  that  they  could  hardly  say  on  which  side  the  balance  really 
stood.” 

In  a dinner  conversation  on  this  subject  with  a highly  intelligent 
lady — a Fourierite,  who  had  traveled  extensively  and  was  thoroughly 
educated — I once  knew,  but  had  not  then  seen  for  many  years,  she 
remarked  to  the  effect,  that  “matrimony  was  a necessary  evil.” 


EXISTING  AMOUNT  OF  DISCORD. 


451 


££  I am  surprised  to  hear  you  utter  that  sentiment.55 

u I have  abundant  cause.  You  knew  my  sister  Kate.55 — I had 
known  the  family.  They  were  the  daughters  of  a distinguished  New 
York  M.D.,  and  moved  in  the  higher  circles.*5 — “ She  married  into 
one  of  £ the  first  families5  of  Boston.  Two  years  after  her  marriage — 
long  enough  for  her  to  form  her  circle  of  acquaintances — I spent  a year 
with  her,  and  took  special  pains  to  learn  the  marital  state  of  each  of 
her  acquaintances,  every  one  of  which,  save  one,  I found  more  or  less 
miserable ; and  some  more  perfectly  wretched  than  I had  supposed 
human  beings  could  become,  and  live.  I spent  another  year  with 
another  sister  in  Cincinnati,  and  with  like  results,  and  another  with 
another  in  Charleston,  S.  C.,  and  with  the  same  results,  and  have 
seen  so  many  miserable  but  so  few  happy  marriages  in  all  my  exten- 
sive travelings  and  observations  in  Europe  and  America,  that  I 
meaningly  pronounce  marriage  a L necessary  evil.5  55 

li  Then,  pray,  why  did  you  perpetrate  it  ?55 

u Merely  to  avoid  the  stigma  of  becoming  an  u old  maid,55  and  am 
right  glad  that  my  husband,  a Frenchman,  in  accordance  with  French 
customs,  chooses  to  occupy  one  suit  of  apartments,  while  I certainly 
prefer  to  occupy  another,  that  I may  keep  the  evils  of  marriage  at  the 
greatest  arm;s  length  possible.55 

I meet  sensible  maiden  ladies  by  thousands,  and  those  having  really 
hearty  love-sentiments,  who  not  only  justify  their  celibacy,  but  really 
scout  marriage  with,  u You  don5t  catch  me  marrying.  I5m  too  shrewd. 
I5ve  seen  too  much.  Show  me  one  happy  couple.  But  I can  show 

you  lots  that  quarrel  behind  the  curtain,  though  perhaps  pleasant 

enough  before  folks.55  And  how  many  shrewd  and  intelligent  bache- 
lors, who  take  a cool  business  view  of  this  matter,  who  would  jump 

at  marriage  for  its  u respectability,55  its  relief  from  the  odium  of  “ old 
bachelor,55  who  would  enjoy  home,  its  comforts,  and  children  heartily, 
nor  mind  the  cost,  if  they  could  see  any  way  to  make  it  pay,  not  in 
dollars,  but  in  happiness.  Or  even  escape  those  terrible  consequences 
it  has  inflicted  on  their  old  cronies — actually  preferring  to  fry  away 
their  lives,  lest  by  jumping  from  the  frying-pan  of  celibacy,  they  land 
in  the  fire  of  discord.  And  jokes,  public  and  private,  printed  and 
spoken,  to  the  effect : Married — poor  fellow  ! I pity  him.  He5ll  soon 

sup  sorrow.55 

And  how  many  mothers  say,  in  real  pity  and  tenderness  for  their 
young  daughters : £t  Dear  creatures  ! do  let  them  enjoy  themselves 
before  marriage,  their  only  happy  period,  for,  gracious  knows,  they 
will  be  miserable  enough  afterward.5589  And  how  very  many  do  just 
all  they  can  to  persuade  and  dissuade  from  marriage,  after  actually 


452 


CONJUGAL  ALIENATIONS. 


forbidding  it — all  because  their  own  marital  life  has  proved  so 
wretched  ! And  set  it  down  as  a u fixed  fact,”  that  whoever  advises 
others  never  to  marry,  does  so  only  because  their  own  marriage  has 
proved  so  very  disastrous  that  their  Benevolence  would  fain  save 
others  from  a like  fate.  And  oh,  how  many  such  throughout  all  com- 
munities ! 

The  number  of  divorces  applied  for  in  all  those  States  where  they 
are  obtainable  is  equally  significant.  Let  Indiana  answer  how  many 
throng  throughout  all  her  borders — about  one  in  every  ten — just  stay- 
ing only  just  long  enough  to  obtain  citizenship  and  a divorce.  And 
England,  since  the  amelioration  of  her  divorce  laws,  is  so  crowded 
with  applicants  as  to  have  been  obliged  to  appoint  additional  judges 
in  this  matter,  the  old  ones  being  utterly  inadequate  to  try  all  appli- 
cants— over  three  thousand  of  whom  are  pressing  their  claims  at  once, 
and  actually  blocking  up  the  courts. 

Yet  does  one  in  twenty  apply  who  would  gladly  do  so  but  for  the 
odium  attached  thereto,  or  the  breaking  up  of  families,  and  evils  to 
their  children,  or  business,  or  other  like  motives?  Not  one  in  fifty. 

My  profession  furnishes  me  rare  opportunities  for  ascertaining  the 
state  of  the  affections  of  the  married,  the  vast  majority  of  whom  I 
am  obliged  to  pronounce  seriously  dissatisfied.  I am  really  loth  to 
disclose  the  results  of  my  observations.  How  often,  alas  ! am  I con- 
sulted about  conjugal  differences,  whereas  these  are  the  last  things 
disclosed,  unless  compelled  by  aggravated  sufferings.  And  then  not 
telling  half  their  troubles.  But,  behind  and  below  all  there  is  a deep, 
dark  heart  secret — of  0 how  many  untold  thousands  ! — as  impene- 
trably closed  against  all  confessions  as  the  gates  of  Hades.  Though 
smoldering  fires  are  slowly  but  surely  charring  their  very  soul- vitals, 
they  keep  them  smothered  only  to  be  charred  the  more  fatally.  They 
would  part  with  life  sooner  than  with  their  buried  secret.  u I would 
sooner  commit  suicide  than  tell  my  father,  for  I would  not  make  him 
miserable  by  letting  him  know  how  wretched  I am.  He  thinks  I am 
happy,  but  would  not  let  me  stay  here  an  hour  if  he  only  knew  how 
horribly  I suffer,”  said  a wife  married  less  than  two  years.  The 
hearts  of  oh,  how  many  ! wretched  thousands  only  know  their  “ own 
bitterness.”  They  seem  gay,  and  enter  with  seeming  zest  into  life’s 
busy  scenes,  but  only  tap  their  heart-crust  in  some  unguarded  mo- 
ment, and  their  eyes  fill,  lips  quiver,  tears  flow,  and  hearts  melt,  and 
are  barely  able  to  maintain  this  incrustation.  And  how  many  men 
drive  business  as  if  business-crazy,  not  at  all  from  love  of  dollars, 
but  to  compel  soul-diversion  from  their  hidden  canker-worm.  And 
engage  no  wives  in  fashion’s  dizzy  whirl  from  a like  motive  ? And 


EXISTING  AMOUNT  OF  DISCORD. 


453 


seek  no  others  in  children  that  heart’s  ease  they  find  not  in  hus- 
band ? 

But,  reader,  you  yourself  can  form  a tolerably  correct  estimate  on 
this  point.  And  by  these  almost  infallible  signs — the  expressions  of 
the  countenance , whether  sad  or  cheerful ; in  a satisfied  or  dissatisfied 
state  of  love*9  by  the  tones  of  voice;10  by  the  cast  of  manners, 
whether  most  tender  or  indifferent;  by  the  genial,  light-hearted  buoy- 
ancy of  the  maiden,  or  the  wo-begone  melancholy  of  the  matron;  by 
the  bounding  step  of  the  virgin  in  contrast  with  the  measured,  solemn 
dragoon  tread  of  the  married — in  short,  by  the  general  aspects  of  mar- 
ried as  compared  with  single.103  True,  other  causes  contribute  to  this 
mournful,  actually  appalling,  sum-total,  but  this  is  the  great  staple 
cause.  And  a close  eye  can  tell  whether  any  given  sadness  arises 
from  conjugal  or  other  troubles.  My  heart  aches  and  softens  as  I 
write.  I would  fain  shut  my  eyes,  and  steel  my  heart,  yet  can  not. 
But  I would  remove  it,  and  unvail  this  dark  picture  only  to  show  how 
to  lighten  its  gloom. 

But  there  are  two  other  u signs  of  the  times” — sensuality  and 
philosophy.  Of  the  amount  and  extent  of  sexual  depravity  in  its  va- 
rious forms — crim.  cons .,  “adulteries,”  “ fornications,”  sodomy,  self- 
abuse, and  the  lustful  cravings  of  those,  married,  who  sin  in  thought 
only — and  “ he  that  looketh  on  a woman  to  lust  after  her  has  committed 
adultery  already  with  her  in  his  heart”— as  well  as  those  whose 
excesses  have  broken  them  down* sexually,  and  induced  this  class  of 
diseases,  of  which  nothing  is  as  productive  as  conjugal  dissatisfaction 
or  alienations,  or  anything  as  effective  a cure  as  a genuine  love — for 
the  sympathy  between  the  mental  and  physical  is  absolute  and  per- 
fect, of  which  in  Vol.  II. — and  let  doctors  say  how  many  are  diseased, 
yet  “ the  half  is  never  told,”  even  to  them — all,  and  much  more 
besides,  attest  the  lamentable,  the  widespread,  the  almost  universal, 
the  awful,  the  really  horrible  discontent  existing  between  the  married, 
all  which  a perfect  love  would  prevent  by  forestallment.36  42  45  10  48  83  86  103 

And  the  philosophies  of  a right  conjugal  treatment,  by  showing 
how  almost  universal  a wrong  conjugal  life,  show  how  correspond- 
ingly extensive  a wrong.  None  can  read  these  pages  understandingly 
without  seeing,  as  an  intellectual  proposition,  both  that  they  lay  down 
a right  treatment,  and  that  most  married  parties  daily,  and  almost 
hourly,  perfectly  outrage  these  marital  laws,  and  this  natural  com- 
portment of  true  love,  besides  seeing  therein  how  egregiously,  even 
fatally,  almost  all  depart  therefrom.  Verily,  “ all  are  gone  out  of  the 
way.  There  is  none  that  doeth  good — no,  not  one.” 

But  “is  there  no  balm  in  Gilead,  no  physician  there?”  Can  they 
be  cured  ? Or 


454 


CONJUGAL  ALIENATIONS. 


111.  HOW  FAR  ARE  DISCORDS  CURABLE? 

To  almost  any  extent  the  parties  themselves  desire^  and  will  under- 
standingly  attempt.  Nature’s  recuperative  powers  are  wonderful.48 
Can  be  made  to  cure  all  “broken  hearts.”  And  are  quite  as  applic- 
able in  wedlock  as  out  of  it — that  is,  if  the  parties  will  and  do  just 
right.  I give  it  as  my  deliberate  opinion,  I fling  it  out  to  the  world  as 
a flag  of  universal  truce  and  hope,  that  very  few  cases  of  discord, 
however  seemingly  settled  and  chronic  their  mutual  hate,  are  incorri- 
gible, but  can  be  made  to  yield  to  right  conjugo-medical  treatment — 
to  even  the  prescriptions  of  these  volumes.  And  for  these  obvious 
reasons : 

1.  The  discordant  naturally  look  upon  the  worst  side  of  their  part- 
ner’s faults,  and  their  own  grievances,  just  as  those  in  love  magnify 
loved  one’s  loveliness,  and  overlook  or  ignore  all  faults. 

2.  The  ^//'-perpetuating  power  of  love.42  Nature  begins  only  what 
she  is  every  way  able  to  complete.  She  will  never  put  her  hand  to 
the  plow  where  the  nature  of  things  will  oblige  her  to  look  back.  She 
will  not  let  those  even  begin  to  love  who  are  so  uncongenial  that  they 
really  can  not  continue,  and  even  re-increase  that  love.  Then,  ye 
who  have  ever  loved  each  other,  are  guaranteed  in  and  by  the  mere 
fact  of  your  having  once  loved,  that  you  can  restore  that  love,  and 
then  go  on  to  redouble  it,  ad  libitum.  And  that  all  difficulty  lies  in 
something  else  than  “natural  incompatibility;”  for  if  this  mutual 
aversion  had  been  instinctive,  it  would  have  acted  de  novo:  and  engen- 
dered mutual  dislike  at  first  sight.  No ; you  are  but  shirking  off 
upon  this  convenient  “ scape-goat”  of  “ inherent  antipathy,”  the  con- 
sequences of  your  own  mutual  abuse  of  each  other.  You  dislike  each 
other  because  you  have  mutually  wronged  each  other.  Evil  doers 
always  hate  their  victims.  This  is  a universal  law  and  fact.  And 
consequent  on  this  law  of  mind  that  A,  in  and  by  injuring  B,  reverses 
his  own  Conscientiousness  toward  B,  which  reverses  his  (A’s)  Com- 
bativeness, Destructiveness,  Friendship,  Approbativeness,  all  his 
faculties,  and  this  their  perverted  action  causes  and  constitutes  A’s 
hatred.  Show  me  him  who  heartily  hates  another,  and  I will  show 
you  one  he  has  abused  the  one  hated.  Among  neighbors,  he  is 
alwrays  the  most  faulty  who  finds  the  most  fault.46  It  wrould  seem  that 
the  abused  would  hate  most,  whereas,  instead,  this  abuse  throws  him 
on  his  native  dignity,  till  he  disdains  to  hate,  but  rises  in  his  own 
view  too  far  above  his  enemy  to  indulge  rancor,  or  take  revenge.  And 
hate  is  mutual  only  where  both  have  wronged  each  other.  Those  who 
never  wrong,  never  hate,  however  much  wronged  : but  those  who  are 


HOW  FAR  ARE  DISCORDS  CURABLE? 


456 


ever  wronging,  are  ever  hating,  and  because  of  their  own  self-con- 
victed consciences.  Header,  especially  conjugal,  please  examine  this 
principle , as  a first  natural  truth  of  universal  applicability.  And 
having  satisfied  yourself  that  it  is  a veritable  law,  as  it  most  certainly 
is,  just  apply  it  to  your  own  individual  conjugal  relations.  Of  course 
the  one  who  hates  most  has  wronged  most. 

“ But  this  can  not  be  true.  There  is  Mrs.  C — — , as  good  a woman 
as  ever  lived,  who  has  done  everything,  and  omitted  nothing,  that  the 
most  dutiful,  forbearing  wife  could  do,  yet  suffers  everything  at  the 
hands  of  her  husband.77 

Yet  are  you  quite  sure  she  has  not  done  him  the  greatest  wrong  ? 
He  has  strong  passions,  large  Amativeness  included.  Yet  likely  hers 
is  small,  or  has  never  fastened  on  him,  but  become  averted.  She  may 
have  been  born  with  little  of  it,  been  so  “ modestly”  educated  as  to 
have  withered  that  little,  become  enfeebled  physically,  not  only  expe- 
rienced little,  if  any,  of  this  the  very  heart7s-core  sentiment  of  mar- 
riage, and  that  which  is  attracted ,5  6 as  well  as  attracts,  and  thus  as 
utterly  failed  to  fulfill  her  natural  part  of  marriage  as  he  would  have 
done  if  he  had  given  her  no  food.  She  has  as  effectually  starved  out 
and  outraged  his  marital  heart7s-core  as  he  would  have  outraged  her 
person  if  he  had  left  her  houseless  or  clothesless,  after  having  cut  off 
all  possibility  of  her  supplying  herself.  True,  neither  may  dream 
what  the  real  trouble  is.  Or  she  may  be  too  weakly  in  body,  or  so 
very  nice,  delicate,  modest,  fastidious,  and  squeamish  as  to  be  “per- 
fectly disgusted77  with  his — to  her — vulgarity,  or  so  debilitated  or  dis- 
eased in  this  respect  as  involuntarily  to  shrink  from  or  repel  him,  yet 
how  deep,  how  aggravated  this  conjugal  sin  of  omission  she  perpetrates 
on  him  ! Very  likely  his  requisitions  are  excessive.  Then  her  error 
lay  partly  in  marrying  him  at  all.  Her  intentions  may  be  the  best 
possible,  but  punishment  just  as  great  for  all  as  if  she  took  poison 
unintentionally.  Or  her  debilitated  physical  condition  may  furnish 
abundant  moral  excuse,  yet  Nature  never  heeds  excuses.  “ Fulfill,  or 
suffer,77  is  her  inexorable  alternative.  Be  the  cause  what  it  may,  the 
omission  itself  is  fundamental , and  throws  a host  of  virtues  into  the 
shade,  exasperates  him  by  the  pent-up  fires  of  a strong  passion,  which, 
if  she  had  fully  met  from  the  first,  would  have  rendered  him  so  per- 
fectly satisfied  and  happy  that  he  could  not  have  done  or  said  enough 
in  her  behalf. 

Or,  possibly,  she  was  pressed  into  school  by  fond  but  misguided 
parents,  or  primpted  up  in  the  parlor,  or  “ accomplished77  to  kill, 
without  having  the  requisite  animal  stamina,  whereas,  if  she  had 
but  possessed  a vigorous  body,  either  with  or  without  these  gew-gaw 


456 


CONJUGAL  ALIENATIONS. 


accomplishments,  she  could  have  rendered  him  perfectly  satisfied,  and 
wielded  over  him  an  unbounded  influence  for  good.  The  real  fault 
lies  in  her  miserable  (fashionable)  education,  yet  its  consequent  alien- 
ations are  just  as  fatal  as  if  intentional.  True,  wives  have  ail  incal- 
culable amount  of  just  complaint  against  husbands,  for  sins  of  com- 
mission, whereas  husbands  often  have  quite  as  great  for  those  of 
omission,  and  especially  for  those  incidental  to  their  weakliness.  This 
all  so  meek  and  good  a wife  may  indeed  be  deeply  sinned  against,  but 
quite  likely  began  the  wrong,  either  by  “ having  done  many  things 
she  ought  not  to  have  done,  or,  more  likely,  by  having  neglected  to 
do  some  things  she  ought  to  have  done,”  and  hence  suffers  for  her  own 
sins.  Nature  is  never  so  unjust  as  to  punish  either  for  the  sins  of  the 
other;  but  always  and  only  the  guilty  one  for  his  or  her  own  sins. 

We  repeat — for  we  would  re-impress — “The  soul  that  is  dying 
most,  has  sinned  most,  and  that  suffers  or  is  hated  most,  is  so  because 
the  most  guilty  or  derelict. 

Examples  might  be  multiplied  ad  infinitum , but  have  we  not  made 
the  law  involved  too  apparent  to  require  further  proof  or  elucidation  ? 
And  to  set  the  hated  or  dissatisfied  upon  the  alert  to  ascertain  wherein 
he,  she,  may  have  sinned,  and  how  to  make  restitution,  and  restore 
themselves  to  happiness.  Another  proof  that  most  discords  can  be 
healed  is— 

3.  The  fusing,  assimilating  power  of  love,  when  allowed  its  perfect 
work,  is  almost  boundless107— a remark  already  made,  but  by  no 
means  at  all  appreciated,  can  not  be,  except  by  experiment. 

4.  Still  another  proof  that  most  discords  can  be  obviated  is  found 
in  their  causes , a few  of  which  we  proceed  to  expound ; and  as  they 
will  be  seen  to  be  obviatable,  of  course  equally  so  the  alienations  they 
engender.  Then  what  are  some  of  the  most  conspicuous  of  these 
causes  ? 

112.  THE  ANIMALIZATION  OF  LOVE. 

That  marriage  generally  becomes  the  grave  of  love  is  the  unquali- 
fied attestation  of  most  writers  — French,  German,  English,  and 
American,  male  and  female,  among  whom  are  Madame  de  Stael, 
Eugene  Sue,  Goethe,  Carlyle,  Harriet  Martineau,  Lord  Brougham, 
Mrs.  Childs,  Margaret  Fuller,  and  hosts  of  others  too  numerous  to 
mention,  and  is  re-confirmed  by  the  almost  universal  experience  of  all 
who  marry.  Let  the  married  readers  of  these  pages  put  this  declara- 
tion to  the  test  of  their  own  experience.  Did  you  not,  while  paying 
or  receiving  courtship’s  addresses,  involuntarily  feel,  “If  I could  only 
marry  that  one  I so  tenderly  love,  I should  be  just  about  the  happiest 


THE  ANIMALIZATION  OF  LOVE. 


467 


of  mortals?*7  Yet  how  many  now  feel  that  if  they  could  only  be  un- 
married, they  would  give  all  they  possess,  and  run  into  debt  as  much 
more  besides.  You  then  thought  your  companion  almost  superhuman 
in  everything.  What  do  you  now  think  ? 

But  let  this  final  and  absolute  test  admeasure  this  difference.  We 
involuntarily  behave  to  others  as  we  feel  toward  them.14  From  this 
sure  test  of  our  feelings  there  is  no  appeal.  It  is  both  absolute,  and 
easily  discerned. 

Then  let  the  vast  difference  in  the  behavior  of  those  in  their  court- 
ship and  honeymoon  be  contrasted  with  those  same  parties  two  years 
after  marriage.  The  beau  ever  ready  blandly  to  open  gate,  and  help 
sweetheart  over  fence  and  slough,  while  the  husband  ^did  not  think” 
True,  but  because  he  did  not  love.  The  lover  introduces  proudly,  but 
husband  and  wife  too  often  “forget/77 

Young  lovers  are  always  praising  each  other,  while  the  married 
very  often  reproach  each  other.  In  short,  the  entire  aspect  of  lovers 
is  so  bland,  so  courteous,  so  conciliatory,  so  fond,  so  familiar,  so  ten- 
der, so  kind,  “ so  altogether  lovely,77  while  that  of  the  married,  if  not 
repellant,  is  too  often  at  least  indifferent. 

Or  contrast  brides  with  married  women  as  to  the  natural  language 
of  love,  and  bridegrooms  with  men  married  a few  years.  This  natu- 
ral language  of  the  faculties  tells  no  lies.  Let  it  tell  its  own  sad 
story  of  the  decline  of  love  in  this  decline  of  its  expression.  But  we 
have  already  presented  a kindred  point.110 

Then  why  this  decline  ? It  must  have  its  cause.  And  that  cause 
commensurate  with  its  effects.  And  transpiring  about  the  same  time. 
And  adequate  and  adapted  to  produce  it. 

The  animalization  of  their  love  furnishes  the  main  answer.  Re- 
serving the  full  discussion  of  this  subject  for  our  next  volume,  we  will 
only  observe  here  that  true  human  love  is  of  the  mind  mainly,  be- 
cause, as  ''mind  makes  the  man,37  its  transmission  is  paramount,  and 
provided  for  by  true  love  appertaining  far  more  to  mind  than  person. 
Brute  love  is  mainly  personal,  because  animal  nature  is  mainly  to  be 
transmitted.  So  the  love  of  Chinese  and  Hottentot,  though  more 
mental  than  that  of  brute,  is  chiefly  carnal,  and  its  offspring  corre- 
spondingly sensual.  But  as  human  beings  rise  in  the  human  and 
mental  scale,  does  their  love  rise  from  the  sensual  plane  upon  the 
Platonic ; for  this  is  Nature’s  means  of  rendering  their  progeny  still 
more  elevated— a principle  assumed  here,  but  fully  proved  in  Vol.  II. 

Nature  therefore  destroys  carnal  love  in  and  by  its  very  carnality, 
that  she  may  prevent  its  propagating  the  animal  propensities  in  pre- 
dominance. Hence.  Nature  ordains  that  carnal  love  shall  die  by  its 

20 


458 


CONJUGAL  ALIENATIONS. 


own  hands,  while  mental  love  shall  perpetuate  itself  forever.42  All 
who  carnalize  their  love,  thereby  extinguish  it,  in  exactly  that  pro- 
portion. 

And  by  virtue  of  this  natural  law,  that  it  is  violent,  and  that  all 
violent  action  paralyzes  its  organs,  as  the  preventive  of  future  vio- 
lence. And  on  the  well-known  principle  of  the  paralysis  of  the  motor 
system  by  over-lifting.  As  over-eating  both  prostrates  the  stomach, 
and  sickens  it  of  food  : as  over-muscular  exertion  not  only  cuts  off 
muscular  capacity,  but  also  induces  inertia  * as  over-study  blunts  the 
over-taxed  organs;  as  looking  at  the  sun  blinds;  so  the  animalization 
of  love  both  sets  the  whole  system  on  fire,  and  consumes  its  own  self 
in  and  by  the  general  conflagration.  If  both  partake  of  this  carnal 
banquet,  they  soon  mutually  exhaust  each  other,  and  become  both 
sick  and  ashamed  of  themselves  and  paramour,  wiiich  induces  mutual 
disgust. 

Or  if  he  debases  his,  but  she  does  not  thus  degrade  hers,  he,  disap- 
pointed, for  reasons  to  be  given  in  Vol.  II.,  says:  “But  is  this  the 
loathsome  finale  of  that  voluptuous  love-feast  I have  sacrificed  so 
much  to  obtain  ? I had  imagined  elysian  pleasures,  but  find  my  sup- 
posed fruits  of  Paradise,  so  fair  without,  but  insipid,  even  loathsome. 
And  am  I then,  indeed,  tied  to  this  dead-and-alive  carcass  for  life  ??? 

While  she,  per  contra , soliloquizes  : “ Am  I,  then,  obliged  thus  to 
defile  and  brutalize  myself?  I could  and  wTould  bear  anything  else, 
but  against  this  self- degradation  my  whole  being  rebels,  and  from  it 
all  my  higher  faculties  shrink  back  with  horror  ! And  am  I,  then,  tied 
to  this  human  brute  for  life  ?” 

Not  so,  pure  mental  love.  As  our  owrn  inner  consciousness  sanc- 
tions all  right  action  of  all  our  faculties,  it  sanctions  this.  And  so 
far  from  irritating  and  paralyzing  mind  or  body,  it  diffuses  a balmy 
oil,  a holy  calm  throughout  the  entire  being,  which  braces  and  builds 
up  all.  Words  but  mock  this  subject.  Let  the  inner  consciousness 
of  those  who  have  any  experience  of  either  or  both  but  attest  these 
opposite  effects  of  love  and  lust.  And  let  those  who  now  find  their 
love  deteriorated  or  alienated,  run  along  back  through  memory’s  day- 
book and  ledger  to  the  exact  time  and  the  specific  cause,  and  in  most 
instances  the  answer  will  be  found  in  the  sensualization  of  love.  But 
having  already  applied  this  law  of  love  to  courtship,89  and  leaving  it 
to  the  experience  of  most  husbands  and  wives,  besides  reserving  its 
full  enforcement  for  our  next  volume,  we  barely  add  this  qualification 
that,  so  far  from  condemning  animal  love,  we  pronounce  it  a .cardinal 
element  of  all  true  love.  But  for  it  the  only  natural  result  of  both 
love  and  marriage,  and  the  entire  sexual  institute — propagation — 


PHYSICAL  AILMENTS. 


459 


would  remain  forever  unrealized,  and  the  very  race — all  forms  of  life 
— would  expire  with  the  present  generation.  It  is  to  love  what 
foundation  is  to  superstructure,  and. body  to  mind — an  absolute  indis- 
pensability. Those  without  it  are  not,  can  not  be,  married.  As  well 
marry  two  bar-posts,  as  far  as  marriage  proper  is  concerned,  as  those 
devoid  of  it.  Nor  can  it  well  be  too  great,  if  sanctified.6  There 
is  ten  times  more  danger  that  its  violent  excesses  at  first  will 
clog  and  paralyze  it,  like  one  almost  famished,  suddenly  supplied 
with  meats  and  drinks,  will  so  gorge  himself  as  to  break  down 
both  appetite  and  digestion  ever  after.  Nor  can  any  well  have 
too  much  of  it,  provided  they  only  have  still  more  of  the  mental.  We 
would  not  diminish  the  animal  form,  as  much  as  encourage  the  Pla- 
tonic. u Not  that  I loved  Brutus  less,  but  C cesar  more P Nor  at  all 
that  we  would  excuse,  much  less  praise,  those  who  are  deficient  in 
animal  love.  As  well  a body  deficient  in  bones.  Nor  that  those  are 
not  most  guilty  who  withhold,  or  fail  in,  this  conjugal  constituent, 
though  they  fulfill  every  other — provide  or  cook,  make  money  or  keep 
house,  anything,  everything  else  ; for  he  that  u sinneth  in  this  point  is 
guilty  of  all.”  And  this  sin  of  omission  necessarily  paves  the  way 
for  a thousand  heart-burnings  and  wrongs  which,  this  hearty,  would 
never  arise,  or,  arising,  be  immediately  overruled.  Have  animal  love, 
and  exercise  it,  but  sanctify  it  by  having  still  more  of  mental  cohabi- 
tation. And  let  inter-communion  of  mind  precede,  prompt,  and  over- 
rule physical  love.  But  enough  till  Yol.  II.  shall  expound  those  first 
principles  which  underlie  this  whole  subject. 

113.  PHYSICAL  AILMENTS 

Constitute  another  most  potential  and  wide-spread  cause  of  conjugal 
alienations.  All  abnormal  bodily  states  abnormalize  all  the  mental 
functions,  love  of  course  included.  Nervousness  begets  hatefulness.66 
Abnormal  action  always  repels,  while  normal  attracts.  Only  those 
can  fully  appreciate  this  point  who  comprehend  the  different  mental 
states  consequent  on  different  bodily  conditions.  Let  a woman,  as 
amiable  by  nature  as  the  houries,  become  sickly,  and  she  thereby 
necessarily  becomes  fidgety,  fretful,  fault-finding,  cross-grained,  and, 
unless  one  of  the  very  best  of  women,  really  hateful.  Equally  so  of 
men.  Many,  rendered  dyspeptic,  perhaps  by  over-exertion  for  family, 
thereby  become  perfect  churls.  All  goes  wrong,  because  they  are  in 
a wrong  moodP  Nothing  does,  nothing  can  please  them,  because  this 
abnormal  physical  state  dissatisfies  them  of  everything.  They  would 
grumble  if  in  Paradise.  But  cure  their  dyspepsia,  and  you  cure  their 
crossness.  Nor  are  they  any  more  blamable  therefor  than  the  ma- 


4G0 


CONJUGAL  ALIENATIONS. 


niac  for  his  ravings — both  being  consequent  on  depraved  physical  con- 
ditions. 

So  many  a woman,  having  broken  down  her  nervous  system  and 
health  by  her  excessive  devotion  to  family,  now  scolds  husband  and 
family  perpetually,  because  of  her  state.  Then  should  not  that  family 
at  least  bear  with  that  scolding?  It  is  not  really  her  that  scolds,  but 
only  that  very  labor  she  has  heretofore  put  forth  for  their  comfort. 
Then,  instead  of  retorting,  they  should  soothe  her,  and  seek  to  obviate 
this  effect  by  removing  its  cause,  instead  of  aggravating  both  by  re- 
turning evil  for  evil.  Sick  children  fret.  But  as  the  more  fretful  they 
are,  the  more  patiently  and  indulgently  should  they  be  treated,  so  with 
those  wives  whose  family  love  has  made  them  thus  cross  and  miser- 
able. 

But  we  can  not  even  begin  to  do  this  matter  justice  till  Yol.  II. 
shall  have  expounded  some  principles  which  bear  on  it.  Suffice  it 
that  we  state  it  here,  but  shall  there  show  how  true  this  law  and 
potential  this  cause  of  conjugal  alienations.  But,  after  all.  former 
pages  have  stated  the  main  causes  of  such  alienations. 

Please,  scolded  husband,  or  blamed  wife,  both  excuse  the  offending 
party,  and  also  learn  this  oft- enforced  lesson,  the  practical  nature  of 
sound  health  and  normal  bodily  conditions  in  both,  not  only  to  your 
own  happiness,  but  likewise  as  a condition  of  marital  happiness.  And 
then  do  your  very  best  to  restore  the  health  of  your  cross-grained  part- 
ner as  the  only  true  antidote  and  preventive  of  this  ugliness  of  tem- 
per. And  affection  is  the  best  of  all  mediums  in  such  cases.  Nor 
without  it  will  any  other  avail  much.  And  both  make  the  observance 
of  the  health  laws  a paramount  conjugal  duty,  and  also  watch  over 
each  others  health  with  eagle  vigil. 

114.  THE  PREPARATION. 

Before  new  houses  can  be  built  where  old  ones  stand,  or  even  old 
ones  remodeled,  often  much  of  the  old  requires  to  be  torn  down,  and  its 
old  rubbish  removed.  Pre-eminently  so  here.  Preparation  for  any- 
thing is  everything.  As  a Christ  must  have  a John,  so  restoration 
must  have  its  forerunner.  And  that  is,  must  be  desire.  Without 
this,  all  effort  must  prove  unavailing.  Then,  first,  catechise  your 
own  soul  thus : “ Wouldst  thou  be  made  whole  And  if  so,  how  much  ? 
How  great  an  effort , what  sacrifices  can  you  afford?  “Sacrifices!” 
None  are  needed.  Nature  pays  all  who,  having  wandered  from  her 
paths,  begin  to  return,  from  their  very  start  back.  Then,  “ Turn  ye, 
for  why  will  ye  die?”  For  in  the  very  turning  consists  the  life,  but 
in  continuance,  death. 


THE  PREPARATION. 


461 


But  if  you  do  not  desire  concord,  and  that  quite  earnestly,  drop 
this  whole  matter,  and  live  on  till  you  die  off.  61  Ephraim  is  joined 
to  his  idols.  Let  him  alone.57  And  there  are  those  who  have  either 
disliked  or  hated  so  long  and  heartily,  that  they  love  to  hate,  and 
would  not  know  what  to  do  with  themselves  if  they  had  not  a wife  or 
husband  to  scold  and  hate. 

Others,  again,  may  think  it  too  utterly  impossible  to  make  even  the 
very  attempt.  But  let  such  remember,  that  “faint  hearts  never  win;77 
that  nil  desperandi ; that 

“ While  the  lamp  holds  out  to  burn, 

The  vilest  sinner  may  return.” 

Further,  that  the  task  is  much  easier  than  you  imagine.  The 
trouble  lies  mainly  in  starting — rather,  in  resolving  to  start.  Love  is 
one  of  the  strongest  of  human  passions  ; and  by  all  its  power  is  restor- 
ation easy.  And  the  easier,  unless  its  obstacles  are  really  unsur- 
mountable,  in  exact  proportion  as  it  is  the  stronger.  Like  sliding 
down  hill,  once  started,  it  goes  itself.  And  re-increases  as  it  goes. 
Would  you  then  start  ? 

u Yes,  but  I can  not  start  alone.  It  takes  two  to  fulfill  this  bargain. 
Love  not  reciprocated  falls  back  dead.  It  must  be  on  both  sides  to 
exist  in  either.77 

Granted,  yet  quite  likely  your  companion  is  equally  desirous  of 
reviving  love,  yet  kept  back  by  the  same  excuses.  At  all  events, 
what  harm  in  ascertaining? 

“ But  how  can  I begin  ? We  never  speak  on  this  subject,  and  I am 
loth  to  break  the  ice.  Nor  do  I know  how  to.77 

Then  point  out  this  passage  to  your  companion,  and  request  its  pe- 
rusal, and  his  or  her  opinion.  Next  follow  up  with  that  softened 
manner  which  precedes  and  prepares  the  way  for  all  conciliations, 
request  that  you  both  talk  over — not  your  difficulties.  On  no  account 
whatever  are  they  to  be  even  called  up.  This  will  only  retard  the 
whole  matter,  induce  mutual  recriminations  and  re-alienate  — but 
simply  the  desirableness  of  a revival  of  your  love.  Cut  off  all  issues 
but  this.  Without  much  doubt,  both  will  express  u an  earnest  desire 
for  the  re-establishment  of  affection,  but77 — keep  out  those  “ buts.77 
They  have  yet  no  place.  Settle  simply  whether  you  would  be  recon- 
ciled if  you  could.  And  how  much.  And  both  make  a clean  breast  of 
your  feelings  and  desires  on  this  point.  Quite  likely  each  will  be  sur- 
prised to  find  the  other  willing  and  anxious,  yet  each  supposing  the  other 
party  the  reluctant  one,  while  each  is  re^Uy panting  for  a reconciliation. 

If  so,  restoration  is  easy,  for  where  there  is  a will  there  can  be  found 
a way . Here  wills  are  hard,  but  ways  easy.  Quite  likely  each  will 


462 


CONJUGAL  ALIENATIONS. 


find  the  other  so  glad  to  rush  right  into  the  arms  of  the  other,  if  but 
certain  that  the  other  would  only  receive.  u 0,  I would  give  the 
world  if,  as  I go  home  to-night,  I could  go  right  Uj3  to  my  wife  as  of 
old,  and  encircling  her  in  my  arms,  kiss  and  caress,  and  be  kissed  and 
caressed  by  her.57  Yet,  quite  likely  she  is  feeling  precisely  the  same 
sentiment  toward  you.  At  all  events,  suppose  you  just  try.  Ap- 
proaching her  tenderly,  and  proffering  a fond  kiss,  can  certainly  break 
no  bones.  Try  it.  Or  you,  wife,  pursue  a like  course  toward  your 
husband.  If  either  find  any  lingering  fondness  still  remaining  any- 
where about  your  heart-strings,  why,  express  it.97  Sometimes  be- 
clouded sun  reappears  suddenly.  Probably  either  could  break  the 
fatal  spell  which  separates  you,  in  one  minute,  just  by  one  frank  prof- 
fer of  affection. 

Yet  the  other,  if  at  all  willing  to  be  reconciled,  should  meet  half 
way , and  more.  Let  no  drawback  come  in  just  now  to  quench  love’s 
rising  flame,  but  both  help  re-enkindle  it.  Or  it  may  be  best  to  appoint 
a day  and  hour  for  this  conference.  If  so,  preface  and  accompany  it 
with  a walk,  a ride,  a feast  of  some  good  edibles,18  or  some  mutually 
pleasant  associations.  And  if  you  find  yourselves  throwing  any  blame 
on  the  other,  stop  at  once)  or  else  adjourn.  First,  settle  whether  you 
would  be  reconciled,  and  next  whether  each  will  try.  And  how 
much. 

These  two  questions — desire  and  effort — once  fairly  settled  affirma- 
tively, your  task  is  quite  easy,  and  love  revival  certain,  unless  you 
spoil  it  by  some  subsequent  bad  management.  Your  next  step  is  to 

115.  U AGREE  TO  DISAGREE.77 

Toleration  is  a first  law  of  love.  Quite  likely  your  very  differences 
grew  out  of  this  very  intolerance.  The  days  of  intolerance  are  num- 
bered, but  not  yet  finished.  The  followers  and  victims  of  Procrustes 
and  his  iron  bedstead  still  abound.  Man  is  naturally  a tyrant,  and 
having  no  other  chance  to  dominate,  often  lords  it  over  wife  and  chil- 
dren * whereas  she,  exceedingly  rigid  and  puritanical,  feels  that  her 
views  are  right , and  no  mistake,  and  is  so  very  rigid  that  she  can  and 
will  tolerate  no  departure  therefrom.  But  he  holds  different  views. 
Yet  she  insists  that  he  shall  conform  to  her  standard,  and  cuts  off  his 
legs,  if  too  long,  or  stretches  them,  if  too  short,  for  her  iron  bedstead, 
by  her  conscientious  frown  and  indignation.  Quite  likely  she  is  just 
as  conscientious  in  this  whole  matter  as  human  being  can  be;  yet 
wrong,  because  so  scrupulous.62  Was  not  Saul  of  Tarsus  both? 
Those  who  hang  witches  are  not  all  dead  yet. 

Yet  deserve  to  die.  No  human  being  has  any  right  to  intermeddle 


« AGREE  TO  DISAGREE.” 


463 


with  another’s  conscience  in  anything,  much  more  husbands  and 
wives.  i:  To  his  own  Master,”  in  heaven,  he  standeth  or  falleth. 
Individuality  is  a sacred  inalienable  birthright.  To  interfere,  or  be 
interfered  with,  is  tyranny  on  the  one  hand,  and  slavery  on  the  other. 
The  very  last  things  that  should  ever  obtain  in  wedlock.  Life  is  not 
more  sacred  than  personality.  No  wife  has  the  least  right  to  inter- 
fere with  any  of  the  doctrines  or  practices  of  her  husband,  except  in 
self-defense.  All  she  may  say  is,  u I should  like  you  better  if  thus, 
and  so,”  but  never  compel  him.  No?-  he  her.  Our  selfhood  is  infi- 
nitely sacred,  infinitely  precious  to  us,  and  should  be  preserved  invio- 
late. As  far  as  they  can  conform  to  each  other  they  should,  yet 
neither  should  require  any  more  than  the  other  proffers  voluntarily. 

Yet  do  husbands  always  obey  this  law  of  their  wives’  individuality? 
Do  they  not  often  actually  crush  out  their  wives’  will  ? Mrs.  Reuben 
Webb,  of  Philadelphia,  a Friend,  in  obtaining  signatures  of  her  sex  to 
a petition  for  the  abolition  of  capital  punishment,  says,  4i  A large 
proportion  of  those  to  whom  I apply  say,  4 I should  like  to  sign  it,  for 
I think  this  hanging  horrid,  but  dare  not  till  I get  my  husband’s  con- 
sent, for  he  forbids  my  doing  anything  except  by  his  permission.’  ” 
None  realize  how  many  women  are  all  cowed  down  by  having  had 
their  wills  completely  crushed  out  by  dogmatical  husbands. 

Yet  a wife  thus  crushed  is  good  for  nothing  to  herself  or  husband. 
In  order  that  she  may  mold  him  for  good,  she  must  impress  her  own 
spirit  upon  him,  and  to  this  end  must  be  herself.  This  is  more  to  his 
interest  than  hers.  And  surely  a woman  is  the  last  thing  on  earth 
over  whom  a true  man  would  desire  to  lord  it.  Then  how  much 
more  a wife  ? 

Yet,  are  there  no  w'ives  who  insist  that  their  husbands  shall  toe 
their  mark?  No  husbands  so  thoroughly  henpecked  as  not  to  have 
any  soul  of  their  own  left?  And  yet  those  wives  piously  thinking 
all  the  while  that  they  are  doing  them  God’s  service  ! And  these 
husbands  wisely  surrendering  at  discretion,  rather  than  contend. 
And  what  government  as  really  tyrannical  as  u petticoat  govern- 
ment ?” 

Quite  likely  both  are  lording  it  over  each  other — victimized,  yet 
victimizing.  Now  this  will  never  do.  Both  must  live  and  let  live 
This  is  manifestly  the  law  of  love.  Or,  if  they  are  too  far  apart  in 
their  views  to  thus  tolerate,  yet  love  for  all,  better  separate.  At  all 
events,  if  they  desire  a reconciliation,  such  mutual  toleration  is  abso- 
lutely indispensable.  Concede  his  point,  or  break  up  the  conference. 
Or  if  you  do  not,  it  will  break  you. 

lt  But  this  point  conceded,  what  next  ?”  Mutually  agree  to 


464 


CONJUGAL  ALIENATIONS. 


116.  BURY  ALL  BONES  OF  CONTENTION. 

Never  again  call  them  up.  You  have  picked  and  growled,  perhaps 
snarled  over  them  too  long  already.  And  every  time  you  tear  open, 
you  re-irritate  this  old  gangrene.  It  will  heal  fastest  when  let  alone. 
As  the  very  best  dressing  of  any  wound  is  its  own  blood,  so  the  less  you 
say  about  your  differences,  the  less  you  re-provoke  each  other  to  hate. 

Then  come  now  both  together,  dig  a grave  for  their  final  interment. 
And  one  large  enough  to  hold  them  all.  And  deep  enough  to  absorb 
all  their  stench.  And  both  pitch  them  all  in,  and  bury  them  forever  ! 
But  make  no  mound,  and  erect  no  stone  of  remembrance,  but  strew 
flower  seeds  all  round  and  about  their  sepulcher,  that  the  decay  of  the 
one  may  enhance  the  bloom  and  fragrance  of  the  other.  And  both 
mutually  swear  that  you  will  never  again  designedly  re-inter  them. 
Re-disturbing  their  putrid  carcasses  will  only  re-double  their  nau- 
seating disease-breeding  fumes,  without  attaining  one  good  end.  Not 
only  inter  them,  but  mutually  anathematize  the  one  who  first  ex- 
humes them,  or  aids  in  their  resurrection.  Or,  if  either  begins,  let 
the  other  change  the  subject , but  on  no  account  justify  self,  or  retort 
on  the  other.  This  direction  is  absolute.  Implicitly  follow  this  ad- 
vice, or  abandon  all  hope  of  re-establishing  concord.  No  middle 
ground  remains.  Will  you  do  it?  At  least  try  your  best?  And  if 
so,  your  restoration  is  sure,  but  impossible  without.  Neither  must 
even  attempt  to  justify  self,  much  more  impeach  the  other.  Your 
differences  are  to  be  banished,  even  from  your  memories.  Much 
more  from  your  conversations.  Let  them  be  to  both  as  though  they 
had  never  been.  Let  bygones  be  bygones.  Let  the  Lethean  river 
flow  over  them  forever  ! Even  their  closest  remembrances  only  re- 
harden your  own  heart,  and  unfit  you  for  subsequent  affections. 
But  what  next  ? 

117.  NURTURE  YOUR  AFFECTIONS. 

As  all  there  is  in  and  of  marriage  centers  in  love  ;4  82  as  the  more 
love  the  less  alienation,  and  less  more;  as  all  marital  happiness 
and  blessings  spring  from  love  alone,  while  all  alienations  are  con- 
sequent on  its  absence,  of  course  exactly  in  proportion  as  you  estab- 
lish affection,  you  increase  concord,  but  banish  discord.  Since  love 
constitutes  the  entire  Alpha  and  Omega  of  wedlock,  of  course  its  pro- 
motion both  prevents  all  alienations,  and  re-establishes  unity.  What 
can  be  plainer?  Try  its  practical  workings  ten  thousand  times,  and 
every  time  its  concordant  effects  will  prove  actually  magical. 

11  But  exactly  what  must  we  do?” 


INCOMPATIBILITY. 


465 


Exactly  what  you  would  if  just  mated,™  and  first  beginning  to  get 
yourselves  and  each  other  thoroughly  in  love.  How  would  you  pro- 
ceed if  just  commencing  your  .courtship?  In  short,  adopt  all  those 
love  appliances  prescribed  in  Sec.  IX.,  and  more  especially  97  to  109. 
Either  of  the  directions  of  Molding,102  Sharing,106  or  Making  Happy107 
will  accomplish  the  task.  Much  more  all  combined.  Especially 
with  a “right  etiquette”  superadded.100  Only  just  faithfully  try 
them,  and  you  will  be  perfectly  astonished  at  their  blessed  eventuality. 

“ But  what  is  our  starting-point  ?” 

Ascertain  some  one  or  more  grounds  of  common  feeling  and  interest, 
and  cherish  that  quietly  but  steadily,  and  this  will  soon  become  a 
stepping-stone  to  some  other  community  of  sentiment  by  which  to 
plant  yourselves  on  some  other  common  ground.  But  we  need  not 
repeat.  Re-read  and  practice  Part  III.,  and,  avoiding  its  warnings, 
practice  its  precepts,  and  month  by  month,  and  year  after  year,  you 
will  find  your  affections  gradually  establishing  themselves,  and  you 
growing  up  together  into  a perfect  love. 

“ But  our  alienation  is  so  chronic,  and  so  deep-seated,  that  its  obvi- 
ation seems  impossible.” 

Not  at  all.  A chronic  disease  will,  indeed,  require  more  time  and 
pains  for  effecting  a cure  than  a recent  one,  but  none  can  form  any 
idea  of  the  power  of  these  principles  to  restore  love,  till  experience 
shall  have  proved  their  efficacy. 

“ But  we  have  little  congeniality,  while  nearly  all  our  respective 
characteristics  in  either  repel  those  of  the  other.  There  exists 
between  us  not  only  no  congeniality,  but,  instead,  an  utter 

118.  INCOMPATIBILITY. 

That  many  who  are  married  are  really  very  dissimilar,  and  natu- 
rally uncongenial,  is  readily  admitted,  yet  it  is  an  undoubted  truth 
that  much  seemingly  natural  incompatibility  is  but  the  legitimate 
outworking  of  a wrong  treatment  of  each  other,  and  which  a right 
conjugal  life  would  have  obviated.  Their  wrong  conduct  toward  each 
other  has  engendered  this  “uncongeniality,”  which  a right  conjugal 
life  would  have  harmonized.  Unconjugality  causes  nine  tenths  of  all 
alleged  uncongenialities,  which  could  be  easily  obviated  by  a true 
love-life. 

An  absolute  proof  of  this  is  that  you  once  loved.  You  were  not  so 
antagonistic  but  that  you  could  begin  to  love.  Now  love  is  self-per- 
petuating, if  allowed  its  perfect  work.  Nature  will  not  begin  what 
she  can  not,  if  not  interfered  with,  perfect.42 111  If  your  incompatibility 
were  real  and  natural,  it  would  have  begotten  a mutual  aversion  from 

20* 


460 


CONJUGAL  ALIENATIONS. 


the  first.  You  were  in  sympathy  once.  Then  what  prevented  your 
affections  from  redoubling  with  years  ?42  Your  own  mutual  abuse  of 
each  other.110  You  inflicted  mutual  misery  on  each  other,  and  thereby 
generated  your  mutual  a incompatibility.77  You  are  u uncongenial” 
because  you  have  been  unconjugal.  And  can  doubtless  re-establish 
congeniality  by  returning  to  a true  conjugality.100 

u But  we  never  really  loved — only  thought  so.  We  had  no  sooner 
fairly  began  to  compare  notes  but  we  found  our  tastes,  ideas,  feelings, 
doctrines,  totally  unlike.  And  they  grow  more  so.77 

Ah,  there  it  is.  They  grow  the  more  so  because  perpetually  re- 
provoked by  mutual  wrongs,  whereas  a mutually  right  treatment 
would  have  healed , instead  of  aggravating,  these  incompatibilities. 

u But  our  love  began  in  a youthful  passion — 4 infatuation1 — only  to 
end  in  disgust.  We  were  simply  love-struck — you  call  it  Amativeness 
— which,  subsiding,  left  our  marital  craft  high  and  dry  on  the  beach 
of  1 uncongeniality.7  77 

But  that  same  “ Amativeness,77  rightly  managed,  could  have  been 
made  to  re-bind  you  perpetually  together  forever,  if  you  had  not 
broken  its  laws. 

“ But  I married  from  filial  obedience,  and  to  please  my  parents, 
knowing  from  the  first  that  no  natural  sympathy  existed  between  us.77 

Then,  poor  miserable  sinner,53  55  77  find  your  answer  in  Section  XI., 
unless,  which  is  quite  likely,  Sections  IX.  and  X.  show  you  how  you 
can  even  yet  establish  a fair  share  of  conjugal  harmony.  If  your  in- 
compatibility has  superinduced  a mutual  chronic  disgust  or  loathing, 
it  may  not  be  worth  your  while  to  even  attempt  to  establish  love.  Of 
this  you  are  the  best  judges.  And  yet  you  will  doubtless  find  the 
task  both  more  easy,  and  even  more  desirable,  than  you  now  suppose. 
At  all  events,  it  is  well  worth  the  canvass.114 

Still,  if  you  really  feel  that  you  can  not  or  will  not  establish  at 
least  a partial  love-base,  agree  to  disagree,  and  either  live  apart,  at 
least  as  separate  as  you  well  can,  or  else,  if  possible,  obtain  a divorce. 

Meanwhile,  make  the  best  of  what  is.  Love  as  far  as  you  can,  but, 
certainly,  by  no  law  of  mind  is  it  necessary  that  you  hate.  And  if 
you  can  live  without  hate,  you  can  get  on  passably. 

But  have  you  become  parents  together  ? If  so,  you  have  nature7s 
voucher  that  you  can  at  least  live  without  animosity,  and  with  pass- 
able affection.  But  of  this  anon. 

Finally,  you  can  at  farthest,  and  in  any  and  all  events,  treat  each 
other  politely.  Hatred  you  certainly  need  not  indulge.  Nor  even  dis- 
like. And  as  all  your  miseries  grow  out  of  animosities,  if  you  put 
yourselves  on  that  high  human  ground  of  i:  turning  the  other  cheek,77 


INCOMPATIBILITY 


467 


and  li  doing  as  you  would  be  done  by” — -and  what  Christian  but  believes 
this  possible — you  will  not,  at  all  events,  be  made  miserable  in  each 
other.  As  far  as  you  affect  each  other  at  all,  you  create  and  experi- 
ence only  pleasure.  Be  your  dislikes  however  marked,  you  surely 
need  not  wrangle — need  not  even  express  those  dislikes.  Ought  you 
to  dislike  any  creature  of  God,  however  bad  ? Then  shall  the  mascu- 
line and  feminine  hate  each  other  ? God  forbid  ! Humanity  forbids. 
Your  sexual  relationship  forbids.  Most  of  all , one  with  whom  you  have 
ever  interchanged  the  endearments  of  love.  Pity,  if  you  must,  but  hate 
never.  Or,  if  you  will,  nature  will  curse  you  in  and  by  that  hate. 

Or  take  two  truly  polite,  refined  persons,  say  Frenchmen — the  most 
polite  of  people.  They  dislike  each  other,  yet  are  compelled  often  to 
transact  business  together.  Would  they  wrangle  ? Must  they  even 
feel  animosity  ? Why  not  associate  as  far  as  possible,  but  agree  to  dis- 
agree as  to  the  balance  ? Much  more,  if  a true  gentleman  and  an 
elevated,  refined  lady.  Most  of  all  if  they  have  loved  each  other,  and 
their  common  children.  The  mere  fact  of  a former  affection  ought 
forever  to  forestall  and  preclude  animosity.  And  nine  cases  in  every  ten 
of  this  u incompatibility”  are  but  devilability . And  the  one  who  feels 
most  of  this  incompatibility  is  usually  the  most  " hateful  and  devilish.” 

Yet  that  there  are  cases  of  real  genuine  native,  inborn  uncongeni- 
alities is  admitted — as  where  one  has  a high,  another  a low  head,  one 
a moral,  the  other  an  immoral  proclivity,  when  one  is  talented,  the 
other  simple,  one  coarse,  the  other  fine,  etc.  But  how  came  you  not 
to  see  these  glaring  discrepancies  before  your  marriage  ? 

u Because  infatuated  by  love.” 

Then  get  infatuated  again,  and  you  will  again  lose  sight  of  these 
incompatibilities.  And,  after  all,  the  trouble  lies  far  less  in  supposed 
inherent  uncongenialities  than  in  the  state  of  your  own  minds. 

But,  pray,  what  prevents  you  establishing  a partial  union  ? Why 
not  unite  as  far  as  you  are  congenial,  yet  each  leave  the  other  to  act 
separately  cii  points  of  dissimilarity?  Why  not,  if  you  disagree  on 
religion  or  politics,  or  tastes,  or  moral  or  other  questions,  each  accord 
to  the  other  the  largest  individuality;  yet  as  far  as  you  can  unite 
on  any  other  points,  assiduously  study  that  union  ? Thus,  there  are, 
of  course,  interests  you  can  share  in  common,  and  grounds  for  com- 
munity of  feeling.  Unite  on  those,  but  mutually  understand  that  you 
go  thus  far  together,  yet  each  leave  the  other  free  to  seek  their  own 
pleasures,  and  act  out  their  own  nature,  in  reference  to  these  discord- 
ant elements. 

This  is  obviously  the  true  policy,  the  self-interest  of  both,  as  well 
as  genuine  Christianity.  Any  other  course  will  prove  detrimental  to 


408 


CONJUGAL  ALIENATIONS. 


both,  and  barren  of  all  good.  In  no  event,  and  on  no  account,  should 
you  wrangle.  Mutual  animosities  and  recriminations  are  both  sui- 
cidal, and  destructive  of  each  other.  No  circumstances,  nothing  on 
earth,  can  justify  marital  contentions.  Like  two  dogs  biting  each 
other,  even  the  conqueror  pays  too  much  for  his  conquest. 

“ Then,  must  I break  down,  and  give  up  to  die  ?77 

No,  never.  Stand  up  in  the  integrity  of  your  own  will-power. 
Preserve  that  as  you  would  your  very  life,  of  which  it  is  the  very 
chit,  inviolate.  But  maintaining  your  own  personality  intact  is  one 
thing,  and  fighting  each  other  is  quite  another. 

“But  my  husband  drinks,  or  is  unfaithful’77  or  “ My  wife,  though 
possibly  virtuous,  is  at  least  unmistakably  too  utterly  hateful  to  be 
tolerated.77 

Though  we  are  no  apologists  for  infidelity  on  either  side,  or  for 
countenancing  any  gross  sin,  yet  a hearty  persevering  effort  to  reform 
your  companion  may  be  better  for  both  parties  than  abandonment.  If 
our  heavenly  Father  should  abandon  us  all  on  account  of  any  one  of 
our  numerous  sins,  on  whom  would  he  not  turn  his  back  forever  ? 
Then  shall  we,  ourselves  fallible,  stand  ready  to  abandon  a conjugal 
partner,  perhaps  the  father  or  mother  of  our  dear  children,  just  for 
some  one  sin,  though  even  grievous  ? I know  many  women  say,  “ If 
my  husband  should  prove  untrue  once,  I could  not,  would  not  live 
with  or  trust  him  again.77  But  is  this  the  best,  even  the  selfish 
policy  of  the  aggrieved  ? Our  Bible  contains  a broader  range  of  phil- 
osophies than  any  ascribe  to  it.  Its  cardinal  doctrine  of  forgiveness 
is  true  humanity  as  well  as  Christianity.  And  quite  as  beneficial  to 
forgiver  as  forgiven.  And  is  nowhere  as  beneficial  or  necessary  as 
in  marriage.  And  love  prompts  it.  Show  me  an  inexorable  wife  and 
I will  show  you  a child  of  Satan,  but  one  who  forgives  is  angelic. 
And  so  of  husbands.  An  unforgiving  spirit  makes  matters  worse  for 
both  parties  and  all  concerned,  while  forgiveness,  especially  of  those 
who  confess  and  promise  reform,  is  both  best  for  all,  a manifest  God- 
like, God-commanded  duty.  And  those  who  refuse  it  are  guilty,  and 
will  themselves  suffer  deeply  therefor.  How  can  those  who  will  not 
forgive  even  a fellow-being,  much  more  a conjugal  partner,  ask  for- 
giveness of  God  ? Nor  matters  it  what  or  how  great  the  sin. 

119.  PATTERN  HUSBANDS  AND  WIVES. 

To  attain  the  highest  possible  skill  or  perfection  in  any  art  or  vo- 
cation we  may  espouse,  ought  to  be  the  paramount  object  of  one  and 
all  Who  attempt  anything.  Are  you  a farmer,  a mechanic,  an  artisan, 
or  workman  of  any  kind.  “ do  with  thy  might  whatsoever  thy  hands 


PATTERN  HUSBANDS  AND  WIVES. 


469 


find  to  do.”  “ I will  do  my  very  best,”  should  be  the  perpetual 
resolve  of  all,  in  everything  attempted. 

Then  why  not  apply  this  u excelsior  ” principle  to  marriage  ? Why 
not  every  girl  resolve,  u I will  fit  myself  to  become  just  as  good  a 
wife  as  it  lies  in  my  power  to  become,”  and  every  wife  determine  to 
render  herself  just  as  perfect  in  her  conjugal  relations  as  possible? 
And  why  not  every  young  man  say,  " I will  indeed  try  much  to  ex- 
cel in  my  business,  but  more  to  prepare  myself  to  be  faultless  as  a 
prospective  husband,  and  most  to  cultivate  whatever  will  improve  me 
as  a future  husband,  nor  do  one  thing  to  injure  my  conjugal  fitness.” 
And  as  a knowledge  of  any  art  is  indispensable  to  perfection  in  it, 
why  not  study  the  conjugal  art?  And  give  your  being  to  it  besides. 
Or,  one  may  u know  the  right,  and  yet  the  wrong  pursue.”  Every 
husband  and  wife  should  both  resolve  to  do  their  best,  and  study  to  in- 
form themselves  as  to  -what  is  perfect  and  imperfect  as  to  conjugality, 
but  make  its  practice  an  enthusiasm,  a passion.  As  one  who  would 
get  rich  must  throw  his  whole  soul  right  into  the  “ almighty  dollar,” 
and  thus  of  learning,  of  piety,  of  anything,  everything,  so  pre-eminently 
of  marriage.  What  perfection  more  perfect,  what  art  or  attainment 
more  exalted,  than  a true  conjugal  life?3  6 6 Then,  ye  who  would  be 
happy  in  and  by  marriage,  give  head  and  heart , mind  and  body,  time 
and  talents,  in  short,  your  whole  being,  right  into  living  a perfect  love- 
life.  Nor  do  one  thing  contrary  thereto. 

And  why  not  also  get  up  a generous  conjugal  rivalry  among  each 
other?  If  I can  not  excel  you  in  finance,  or  whatever  you  are  doing, 
or  you  me  in  Phrenology,  may  we  not  still  establish  a noble  rivalry 
as  to  who  shall  live  up  nearest  to  Nature’s  conjugal  institutes?  Why 
not  each  be  emulous — u strive  together  for  the  mastery”  of  perfect 
companionship  ? Why  not  every  wife  vie  with  her  husband,  and  he 
with  her,  and  each  with  all  other  husbands  and  wives,  as  to  which  shall 
earn  the  prize  medal  on  Nature’s  air-grounds,  for  living  nearest  and 
truest  to  her  perfect  conjugal  requisitions,  instead  of,  as  now,  to  be- 
come richest,  or  greatest,  or  the  most  fashionable,  or  give  the  most 
costly  parties,  or  eclipse  all  rivals  in  other  respects  ? 

And  as  heart  follows  head,2  and  life  heart,  get  and  keep  your  feelings 
right  toward  your  companion,  and  this  will  rectify  your  conduct — a 
truth  more  true  as  applied  to  marriage  than  courtship.90  First  make 
the  tree  good,  then  shall  the  fruit  be  good  likewise.” 

And  that  this  volume  may  go  forth  to  teach  true  conjugal  doctrines, 
and  inspire  its  readers  to  a truer  and  higher  conjugal  life  and  spirit, 
is  the  great  wish  of  its  author.  And  ye  whom  it  benefits,  spread  its 
beneficial  influence  by  extending  its  circulation. 


470 


LOVE. 


The  following,  from  The  Banner  of  Light , by  Miss  Lizzie  Doten, 
so  poetically,  yet  forcibly,  expresses  the  sentiments  of  this  entire  vol- 
ume, as  to  furnish  its  fitting  finale  : 

LOVE. 

Oh,  world  ! somewhat  I have  to  say  to  thee. 

Oh,  sin-sick,  heart-sick,  soul-sick,  love-sick  world  ! 

So  ailing  art  thou,  both  in  part  and  particle, 

That  solid  truth  thy  stomach  ill  digests. 

Yet,  since  thou  art  my  mother,  I will  love  thee, 

And,  fearless  of  thy  frowns,  will  “ speak  right  on.’' 

That  which  belongs  to  all  men  is  least  prized  ; 

The  thing  most  common  is  least  understood. 

That  which  is  deep  and  silent  is  divine  ; 

And  there  is  naught  on  earth  so  craved,  so  common, 

So  misunderstood,  or  so  divine,  as  love. 

When  meted  in  proportion  to  man’s  need, 

Measure  for  measure,  it  doth  clarify, 

Exalt,  and  make  him  equal  of  the  gods. 

He  feeds  upon  ambrosia,  and  his  drink 
Is  nectar  ; high  Olympus  can  not  yield 
Delights  more  grateful  to  his  soul  and  sense. 

Parnassus  fails  his  rapture  to  express, 

And  Helicon  hath  less  of  inspiration. 

But,  prithee,  should  he  chance  to  drink  too  deep 
Of  tne  exhilarating  draught — 

Should  plunge  him,  head  and  ears, 

Into  the  middle  of  this  weltering  flood — 

Mark,  then,  what  marvelous  diversions  from 
The  center  of  his  gravity  ensue. 

Judgment  is  scouted,  sober  common-sense 
Yields  to  imagination’s  airy  flights  ; 

Upon  swift-winged  hippogriffs  he  mounts, 

To  seek  the  fair  Arcadia  of  his  dreams. 

He  builds  him  castles,  basks  in  moonshine,  “ feeds 
Among  the  lilies,”  pours  his  passion  forth 
In  amorous  canticles  and  burning  sighs, 

Makes  him  a bed  of  roses,  and  lies  down 
To  revel  in  the  rainbow-colored  dreams — 

Until  some  turn,  some  ill-begotten  chance, 

Most  unexpectedly  invades  his  peace, 

And  castles,  moonshine,  roses,  rainbows  fly, 

And  leave  him  to  the  stern  realities  of  life. 

Alas  ! poor  human  nature  ! Even  fools 
Must  learn  through  sad  experience  to  be  wise. 


LOVE. 


471 


Love  is  the  highest  attribute  of  Deity  ; 

And  he  who  loves  divinely  is  most  blest. 

It  purge th  passion  from  the  soul  and  sense, 

And  makes  the  man  a unit  in  himself ; 

Head,  eyes,  hands,  heart,  all  work  in  unison  ; 

And  beasts,  and  savages,  and  rudest  hinds, 

All  feel,  alike,  its  exercise  of  power. 

Ambition  can  not  walk  with  it ; 

For  he  who  learns  to  love  himself  aright,  loves  all, 
And  finds  preferment  in  the  general  weal. 

Though,  Proteus-like,  it  take  a thousand  forms, 

It  doth  o’ercome  the  evil  with  its  good, 

Casteth  out  devils,  sensuality,  and  sin, 

And  green-eyed  jealousy,  and  hate  ; and  like 
Chrysostom,  golden-mouthed,  it  doth  attune 
The  words  of  common  speech  to  sweet  accord, 

And  gives  significance  to  simplest  things. 

It  buddeth  out  in  infancy, 

Like  fresh-blown  violets  in  the  early  spring, 

And  giveth  form  and  fashion  to  all  life. 

For,  by  its  character,  it  doth  decide 

What  elements  and  essences  the  soul 

Shall  draw  from  contact  with  material  things. 

As  roses  draw  their  blushes,  lilies  whiteness, 

Violets  their  azure,  from  the  same  dull  earth, 

So  love  extracts  the  sweetnesses  of  life, 

And  doth  so  mingle  all  within  her  crucible, 

That  she  creates  the  difference  between 
Immortal  souls.  The  fiery  heart  of  youth, 

Full  of  high  aims  and  generous  purposes  of  good, 
Swells  like  the  ocean  waves  beneath  the  moon, 

And  brooketh  no  restraint,  until  it  find 
Its  living  counterpart,  and  mcrgeth  all 
It  hath  of  manliness  and  might 
Into  a second  and  a dearer  self. 

So  goes  the  world  ; and  strong  necessity 
Creates  the  law  of  action,  whose  results 
Join  issue  with  the  love  of  God  himself. 

Oh,  jealous,  wanton,  ill-conceited  world  ! 

How  little  dost  thou  understand  the  deep 
Significance  of  love  ! 

Thou  hast  defiled  thyself  with  gross  perversions, 
Until  the  purity  of  love  is  but  a jest, 

And  standeth  with  the  fantasy  of  fools. 


472 


LOVE. 


But  I would  take  thee,  dear  humanity, 

And  set  thee  face  to  face  with  perfect  Love. 

She  is  thy  mother.  Love  and  wisdom  met, 

United  by  strong  power. 

The  world  sprang  forth  from  chaos ; and  the  love 
Which  brought  thee  into  being,  doth  sustain  thee  still. 
The  monad  and  the  angel  rest  alike 
Within  its  all-embracing  arms  ; and  life, 

And  death,  and  all  the  changes  of  this  mortal  state, 
Are  cradled  at  the  footstool  of  this  power. 

Then,  sweet  humanity,  thou  favored  child, 

Look  up  ! an  everlasting  chain 

Doth  bind  thee  to  the  mighty  heart  of  all. 

Love’s  labor  never  can  be  lost. 

That  which  created  shall  perfect  and  save  ; 

And  that  which  hath  such  poor  expression  here, 

Shall  find  fruition  in  a higher  sphere. 


CONTENTS. 


PAGE 

Preface  to  the  Three  Books 8 

Introduction  to  the  Three  Books 5 

Dedication  18 

Preface  to  Matrimony 15 

Introduction  to  Matrimony . 19 


PART  I. — LOVE. 

SECTION  I. 

ANALYSIS  OF  THE  LOYE  ELEMENT. 

Sexuality.— A Universal,  Inherent  Element 29 

Amativeness  as  Embodying  this  Sexual  Element 82 

Analysis  of  Love,  or  Mutual  Attraction  of  the  Sexes 88 


SECTION  II. 

POWER  OF  THE  LOYE  ELEMENT  OYER  HUMAN  HAPPINESS  AND 

DESTINY. 

Rationale  of  the  Power  of  Love 45 

Influence  of  Love  over  the  Body,  and  its  Functions 45 

Power  of  Love  over  the  Muscular  System 48 

The  Merry  Dance 49 

Circulation  as  Affected  by  Love 50 

Sleep  as  Affected  by  Love 50 

The  Laugh  of  Love  and  Disappointment 51 

Love  Beautifies  ; Disappointment  renders  Homely 51 

Love  Heightens  the  Expressions  of  the  Countenance 52 

Love  equally  Affects  the  Intonations 52 

Fathers  and  Daughters  Loving  Each  Other 54 

Mothers  Loving  their  Sons,  and  Sons  Mothers 60 

Brothers  and  Sisters,  Boys  and  Girls,  and  Young  People 68 

Love  Improves  the  Mariners;  or,  Sexual  Etiquette 75 

Love  as  Influencing  the  Mental  Faculties 90 

Influence  of  Love  on  Combativeness  and  Destructiveness 91 

Love  Prolongs,  but  Disappointment  Shortens,  Life 93 

Love  Promotes,  Disappointment  Impairs,  Digestion 93 

Acquisitiveness  Enkindled  by  Love . 95 

Love  Enhances  or  Deadens  Secretiveness  and  Cautiousness. 97 

Approbativeness  Quickened  by  Love 98 

Love  Increases  Self-Esteem 101 

Love  Increases  or  Deadens  Firmness. 102 

Conscientiousness  Enlivened  by  Love 102 

Influence  of  Love  on  Hope  and  Despair 103 

Spirituality  Enkindled  by  Love H'6 

Yeneration  Enkindled  or  Deadened  by  Love 107 

Benevolence  Enhanced  by  Love,  but  Hardened  by  Disappointment ...  107 

Construetivene.'S,  Ideality,  and  Sublimity  Enhanced  by  Love 109 

Imitation  and  Mirth  Increased  by  Love.. ." Ill 

Mirth  Awakened  by  Love  112 

Love  Promotes  Observation,  Form,  Size,  Weight,  and  Color  * 112 


ii 


CONTENTS. 


PAGE 

Order,  Time,  and  Tune  Reincreased  by  Love 113 

Memory  Intensified  by  Love ]14 

Love  Awakens  Language  and  Reason 115 

Agreeableness  and  Human  Nature  Enhanced  by  Love 116 

Love  Builds  Up  or  Breaks  Down  the  Entire  Being 118 

Love  Controls  the  Destinies  of  the  Race 123 


SECTION  III. 

THE  LAWS  AND  CONDITIONS  OF  LOVE. 

Love  Universal  and  Imperious 125 

Love  and  Marriage  Obligatory  on  All 127 

Marriage  the  Natural  Sphere  of  Love 128 

Nature’s  True  Time  to  Love  and  Marry 131 

Old-Bachelorism  and  Old-Maidism 143 

Females  Leading  Off  in  Courtship . . 147 

Old  Bachelors 148 


SECTION  IV. 

PAIRING  A NATURAL  INSTITUTE : OR  EXCLUSIVE  LOVE  VS 
PROMISCUOUS. 

Conjugality;  or  the  Pairing  Instinct 156 

Pairing  as  Affecting  the  Number  and  Quality  of  Mankind  159 

Jealousy  based  in  Exclusiveness 160 

Matrimony  as  Creating  Homes  and  Families 161 

Love  Self-Perpetuating 161 

Love  Instinctively  Dual,  not  Plural 167 

First  Love 171 

The  Mine-and-Thine  Intuition  of  Love 172 

The  Penalties  of  Perverted  Love 175 

Jealousy:  Its  Cause  and  Cure 179 

The  Retroverted  Phase  of  Love 182 

Averted  Love  in  Wedlock 187 

The  Lethargic  or  Deadened  State  of  Love 188 

Broken  Hearts;  and  How  to  Heal  Them 191 

Second  Marriages : Seldom  Necessary 203 

Second  Marriages  are  Desirable 205 

Mourning  for  the  Dead  and  Absent 211 


PART  II. — SELECTION. 

SECTION  V. 

THE  DECISION,  AND  ITS  ARBITERS;  OR,  RELATIVE  AND  ABSOLUTE 
RIGHTS  OF  PARENTS,  CHILDREN,  AND  RELATIVES,  IN  THEIR  OWN, 
AND  EACH  OTHERS’,  MATRIMONIAL  CHOICE. 

Importance  of  a Right  Selection 219 

Rights  of  Parents,  Children,  and  Relatives  Respecting  Their  Own  and  Each  Other’s 

Selections 226 

Parents  should  Promote,  not  Prevent,  their  Children’s  Selections 229 

Self  the  Final  Umpire 235 

SECTION  VI. 

GENERAL  MARITAL  QUALIFICATIONS. 

What  of  the  Constitution  and  Health  ? . . 237 

Female  Boarding-Schools,  aud  Attire ! 243 

Feminine  Feebleness  !. 244 

Industrious  and  Housekeeping  Qualities 246 

Marrying  for  Money. . 248 

Handsome  and  Plain ; or  Belles,  Beaux,  Beauties,  etc  254 

Communicating  Talents  : Music 256 


CONTENTS. 


iii 


PAGE 

x’Jiolarship,  Intelligence,  and  Sense 259 

.1  ral  Stamina  Indispensable 260 

reposition  or  Temper,  Kindness,  etc 261 

/ersonal  Habits,  Neatness,  etc 263 

The  Marriage  of  Cousins 265 

Important  Difference  in  Age 266 

Normal  and  Abnormal  States. . . 269 

Sudden  Love  and  Marriage 271 

A Vigorous  and  Normal  Sexuality 272 

SECTION  VII. 

SPECIFIC  CONJUGAL  ADAPTATIONS ; OR  WHO  CAN  AND  CAN  NOT, 
LOVE  WHOM?  AND  WHY? 

Duty  of  Parents  to  endow  their  Offspring  Hereditarily 275 

Diversity,  a Law  of  Nature  and  Marriage 278 

Similarity,  the  Paramount  Condition 280 

Cases  in  which  Dissimilarities  are  Advisable 287 

Wherein  Both  should  Resemble,  and  Differ  From,  Each  Other,  and  Why 295 

How  to  Find  those  Adapted  to  Us 301 

Who  should  Marry  Whom  ; and  Why 304 

Intuition,  or  u the  Light  Within,”  the  Final  Umpire 313 

The  Proposal,  Acceptance,  and  Vow 317 

Parental  Consent,  Elopements,  and  Relatives 323 

Dismissal  of  Lovers 327 

Breaches  of  Promise 830 


PART  III. 

COURTSHIP,  AND  MARRIED  LIFE  I THEIR  FATAL  ERRORS,  AND 
RIGHT  MANAGEMENT. 

SECTION  VIII. 

WRONG  COURTSHIP ; AND  ITS  FATAL  CONSEQUENCES. 

Importance  of  a Right  Courtship 333 

Love  Constitutes  Marriage 336 

Courtship’s  First  Error — Loving  Before  Engaging. 340 

Sorter  Courting,  and  Sorter  Not , 346 

Trying  Each  Other’s  Love  : Teasing 347 

Love-Spats 349 

Every-Day  Clothes  vs.  False  Appearances 354 

Presents  Before  Engagement 357 

Day  vs.  Night  Courtship.  Sunday  Evenings 858 

Taking  and  Allowing  “ Liberties”" 361 

SECTION  IX. 

COURTSHIP  PROPER ; AND  THE  TRUE  MODE  OF  CONDUCTING  IT. 

Its  First  Condition  : an  Exalted  Estimate  of  Each  Other 865 

An  Exalted  Regard  for  Each  Other 865 

Assimilation  and  Preparation 367 

How  Long  shall  Courtship  Continue  ? 371 

SECTION  X. 

MARRIED  LIFE : ITS  QUICKSANDS,  AND  THE  TRUE  MODE  OF 
CONDUCTING  IT. 

The  Wedding 373 

Sons  and  Daughters-in-Law 876 

The  First  Year  after  Marriage  380 


CONTENTS. 


iv 


PAGE 

"Wedding  Anniversaries,  and  Birth-Day  Presents 884 

Re-increasing  Love  by  its  Re-declaration 887 

Cherishing  Each  Other’s  Love  a Moral  Duty 390 

Business  vs.  Love 398 

Conjugal  Etiquette 397 

The  Cardinal  Conjugal  Rule 406 

Molding  and  Improving  Each  Other 408 

The  Deteriorations  of  Wedlock 418 

Self-improving  Husbands  and  Wives 424 

Sharing  Everything  Together 425 

Sharing  Pecuniary  Interests  and  Purse 428 

Conjoint  Intellectual  Culture 431 

Evils  of  Non-Co-operation 432 

Diversified  Interests  Engender  Discord 433 

Community  of  Knowledge 483 

Promoting  Each  Other’s  Happiness 436 

Which  shall  Serve? 439 

A Perfect  Union 441 

Love-Seasons,  Evenings,  etc 444 

Evening  Family  Amusements 447 

Lovers’  W alks,  Rides,  Talks,  etc 449 


SECTION  XI. 

CONJUGAL  ALIENATIONS  ; THEIR  CAUSES  AND  OBYIATION. 

Existing  Amount  of  Discord 450 

How  far  are  Discords  Curable? 454 

The  Animalization  of  Love 456 

Physical  Ailments 459 

The  Preparation 461 

“ Agree  to  Disagree” 462 

Bury  all  Bones  of  Contention 464 

Nurture  Your  Affections 465 

An  Uttered  Incompatibility 466 

Incompatibility 468 

Pattern  Husbands  and  Wives 469 

Love 471 


